Why women like assholes

Why do women like jerks? Well, that question may be a bit misleading. For starters, you have to ask yourself, are the guys who are getting all the girls really jerks? Or do you just perceive them as jerks because they got the girl and you didn’t? Could it be that you’re just too narrow minded to acknowledge your own blatant flaws and thus feel the need to project flaws onto successful people who are successful because they actually have something over you? Think about that.

It’s also important to note that not all women are the same, and they’re not all looking for the exact same traits in the guys they partner with. So you can’t just say that all women like jerks. It may just be that the girls you’re chasing are looking for a different kind of man than you, and it may not be that they’re looking for jerks. They’re just looking for guys who happen to be really different than you. So the problem may be that you’re just frustrated because you’re socially inept and are chasing after girls you have nothing in common with who like guys who are nothing like you.

To be fair though, if you send a standard jock and a standard nerd into just about any house party or bar, you can bet the jock will come out at the end of the night with more girls’ phone numbers. There are several reasons for this. The first one is simple evolutionary psychology. Our brains are hardwired to be sexually attracted to the healthiest mate. So someone who is in great shape automatically has an advantage over a pasty, fragile nerd. This doesn’t mean that women are shallow. Men do the same thing, and neither of us can help it. In fact, far from being shallow, it’s smart from an evolutionary point of view. It’s best for the group that the strongest survive and pass on their genes. That’s life. Deal with it or suffer the consequences, but don’t be surprised. When frail, nerdy guys complain that women like muscular men they sound like fat women who complain that men like fit women. The problem isn’t that the opposite sex is shallow. The problem is that you’re unhealthy, and if you can’t take care of your body then why should the opposite sex expect you to be able to do anything else right?

Evolutionary psychology goes farther than pheromones and muscles. It extends to how you present yourself. All women aren’t shallow, but all women have needs. Their brain is constantly subconsciously weighing up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Everyone needs security, and thus everyone craves security. In addition to being secure, everyone is subconsciously compelled to achieve self-actualization. They may not think of it in that clinical of terms. They probably just know that they want to be themselves, and they want to accomplish their dreams in life. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, if they don’t want to be themselves and accomplish their dreams then there’s something wrong with them. So when girls see two guys in a room: one wearing clothing indicative of financial and social success, and one wearing a comic convention T-shirt, they instantly know how far both of those guys could potentially help them fulfill their dreams, and unless their dream is to go to a comic convention, they’re probably going to pick the guy wearing the designer clothes. You can accuse women of being shallow for this, but can you really fault them for being practical?

Another simple reason why women end up hooking up with jocks over nerds is because you can’t win if you don’t play. 99 times out of 100 a woman is only going to give her number to the guy who asks for it. If you spend the whole night in the corner by the snack table eyeing up the girls and scowling at the guys then you don’t have any room to complain that no girl will talk to you. After all, you didn’t talk to them. You’ve reaped exactly what you’ve sown: nothing.

If you want to understand the girl’s perspective then look at the situation from her perspective. She’s not dumb. She knows every guy is horny. She knows when she goes into a bar, all the guys: young, old, jock, nerd, whatever has an interest in her, and she knows it’s awkward to just walk up to someone you don’t know, start a conversation and face possible rejection. She sympathizes with you, at least, she would if you weren’t lurking at the snack table staring at her like a serial killer. The point is that when someone does have the balls to take the risk to approach her she’s got to respect that. It shows courage and initiative, and if you show courage and initiative in that simple action then she has to assume you can show courage and initiative in other aspects of life, but if you don’t have the courage or initiative to talk to a girl you’re interested in then there’s a good chance you won’t show courage and initiative in other aspects of life.

Now, that guy you just saw hitting on your dream girl might get shot down, but she’s not the only girl he’s ever going to hit on. He knows you have to strike out a few times between every home run, but unlike the nerd at the snack table, this doesn’t discourage him because he knows he’s playing a numbers game. He might not get that girl, but he’ll get a girl simply because he’s persistent. The nerd won’t get any girl simply because he didn’t play the dating game -he went home with his tail between his legs and played video games with his insecure guy friends.

And before you get on your high horse about how love shouldn’t be a game and you have too much self-respect to be a whore, you should know that life is a game. Nerdy gamers should know that more than anyone. Chances are you’ve watched “A Beautiful Mind” a few times. Everything you do has an element of game theory in it. Whether or not you win at life depends on whether or not you play the game and how well you play it. Giving up, bitching and blaming the world for your failures is not how you win the game. Understanding your environment, taking calculated risks and learning from your mistakes is. If you’re so smart, how did the jocks figure that out and you didn’t?

Another reason not to get high and mighty about calling players whores is because even if you’re just looking for “the one,” you have no way to know which girl is the one unless you talk to them. Those jocks might turn down as many girls as they get turned down by because they’re looking for “the one” too, and they know they’re never going to find her unless they put themselves out there and get their “feet” wet. So maybe it’s not that they’re whores, maybe it’s that you’re frigid.

I’ve been pretty hard on the nerds and pretty forgiving with everyone else so far. Here’s where that stops. I’ve known a lot of players, and I’ve picked their brains about their methods. A lot of them aren’t successful because they have such a deep repertoire of virtues. A lot of them are narcissistic sociopaths who have no moral inhibitions or concern for other people’s feelings. All they’re concerned about is getting laid, and being narcissistic sociopaths, they’ve spent their lives studying people and learning what behaviors people react positively to. They know what women like, and they’ve learned to pretend to be that guy. The secret to their success is lying, and that does make them jerks.

Players tell girls what they (the girls) want to hear. Yes, this is immoral, but you’d be a hypocrite to condemn them for it. Everyone paints over their faults, wears masks and puts their best foot forward. Some people are just better at it than others. Any girl who would fall for a player’s bullshit lies isn’t worth dating. If a jock takes the prettiest girl home by feeding her bullshit all night, he just did you a favor by taking the dumbest girl in the room out of the dating pool leaving the genuine people behind for you to scoop up.

Unfortunately, some girls are worse at seeing through the illusion than others, and tragically, some girls don’t even care. We were all raised on big promises. We all grew up expecting life to be like a fairy tale, but the farther into the real world we get the more we realize fantasy is fiction, and reality is tough. Honestly, life is disappointing sometimes, and some people would rather live a comfortable lie than a hard truth. Just look at how popular religion is. Those jocks are like charismatic, big-tent revival preachers. They know they’re selling a lie, but it’s a lie that some people desperately want. In that respect, they’re doing those bobble-headed bimbos a favor. Those girls are getting exactly what they want and exactly what they deserve. So again I say, if the girl of your dreams falls head over heels with a douche bag it’s because she’s a douche bag too. Quit building her up into the person you wish she was. She’s not worth worrying about.

Let’s get a little more philosophical now. I’ll try to keep this short. Nobody knows the meaning of life. Nobody knows what the hell we’re doing here. Nobody knows shit about shit. We all grow up mimicking what everyone else around us is doing and convincing ourselves that’s “the way.” Wise men know that they know nothing. Fools believe they’ve got everything figured out and everything under control. This gives fools misplaced confidence, but it does give them confidence. So one big reason that jock was able to strut into the room, break through all the social barriers and grab the prize was because he was emboldened by his own ignorance. You can fault him for his ignorance, but at the end of the night, he did get the girl, and you went home with a hard on.

And maybe that girl wasn’t completely naive. Maybe she saw through his bravado. Maybe she wasn’t looking for a comfortable lie or a meal ticket. Maybe she wanted a nice guy to listen to her and introduce her to Anime. Maybe she’s disappointed in you for not talking to her. There are a lot of maybes in this equation, but one thing is sure, at the end of the night, she’s got to weigh all the variables and pick the best answer. The guy she went home with might not be as smart as you. His ignorance might extend to other aspects of his life that cause him to do stupid, unkind things on a regular basis. He might not be as caring (or co-dependent) as you. But he did a lot of things right that you didn’t. He showed initiative. He showed self-confidence. He showed interest. He bought her drinks and proved in some small way that he can take care of her. He made her feel special, and he proved that he wanted to make her feel special. And he proved that he can navigate the social system.

Lurking by the snack table all night, you proved yourself to be a pussy. She did what she had to, to look out for herself and get as much as she can out of this short, hard life. Sure, she had to settle for a semi-Neanderthal, and she’ll probably have regrets, but in the end she’ll probably be better off than if she’d settled for a pussy.  She’ll definitely have experienced more to life than cowering by the snack table with you.

At any rate, she knows that when it’s finally time to settle down and raise a family with a boring, well-paid nerd, you’ll still be single and waiting for her. So why not have some fun right now with a muscular, horse-cocked stud who will buy her drinks all night and not get psychotically clingy tomorrow?

Sometimes it’s not your fault, and you may have dodged a bullet instead of missing an opportunity. There are some women out there who, unfortunately, were raised in abusive houses. So all they know about love is abuse, and they subconsciously gravitate towards people who treated them the way their emotionally and/or physically abusive guardians did when they were a child. Women who do this aren’t stupid, and they don’t deserve to be looked down on. They deserve and need to see a therapist to help them cope productively with their past trauma, and they need to learn how to change their behavior patterns. Until then, there’s not much (if anything) a nice guy can do to save them from their past. Even if a nice guy could secure a girlfriend like this, it would be rocky and probably end sooner rather than later. I’m not saying broken women don’t deserve love, but we all need to love ourselves before we can love others.

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6 responses to “Why women like assholes

  • Lucy Moore

    I think your arguments about cults are very well reasoned. However, I would ask you to consider when thinking about topics like the article above the fact that many people in the disabled community (mental and physical) hear the tone expressed in this article all their lives; the “fact” that they are a burden, that they should get off their lazy behinds and do something (which may be beyond their capabilities) and that the fact that people don’t like them is just the way the world works. This is true in spite of the fact that many have to ration the capacity to do things the way a poor person (or not-so-wealthy person, depending on their level of disability) rations money. Also, the abilities of both mentally and physically disabled people fluctuate, so that they may be energy “rich” one day and energy “poor” the next. The Spoon Theory is an explanation of this concept in which the “currency” is represented by spoons. I suggest Googling it.
    (Case in point about fluctuation: I know a woman with leg problems who was able to go to a Thanksgiving celebration with the ability to walk and, even though she took a car to the place and did very little walking, her walking ability still all but disappeared without warning during the gathering and she only just made it back home with the aid of a cane and two family members helping her. This woman is fat, but when you have a disability like that, you cannot just exercise it all away.). Also, many autistic men cannot just decide to be good enough at social skills to get the girls; they have to try, and even some of those who try their hardest to be more social fail to be good enough to live up to those kinds of standards. Even if they do, it can be very exhausting for them (I know, as I am autistic myself).
    As for the evolutionary argument, a few things:
    1. “Survival of the fittest” is not a mandate, it is simply an explanation of how those POPULATIONS who are the best adapted for their environment become so because the best adapted individuals have the most children. These adaptations can vary drastically, and nowhere does it say that every individual has to be a “prime” or even “mediocre” specimen.
    2. If a population is capable of supporting individuals with wide-ranging abilities, it will. If humans kill themselves off, it probably won’t be because of disabled individuals, but rather high-powered individuals with their fingers on the button.
    3. Since even severely disabled people have to still have quite a few viable genes (or they wouldn’t even be alive), there is no excuse for eugenics (i.e. preventing “stupid people” from being born) as we don’t know what genes will ultimately be adaptive, and besides, if an individual receives assistance for living, it is not cheating because if it were, not only would humans be “cheating” by using tools, mammals would be “cheating” simply by being nurtured by mothers.
    4. There is actually evidence that various animals will gravitate towards those whose looks (and possibly behaviors) are similar to theirs, so pretty people will marry pretty people and the reason homely people will go with homely people is not necessarily just because they are stuck with them, but rather because, for some reason, such people may appeal to them for qualities they themselves have (This is why some muscular men like women with large calves). This is probably also why artists will marry each other, nerds will marry nerds, etc. This is not a hard-and-fast rule, mind you.
    5. Animals that expect to mate for life will reject partners for being too aggressive. I have seen it happen with pigeons (female pigeons usually play coy and walk away when they are considering a male, but will fly away when they reject him). In one instance, a male pigeon appeared to be flirting too aggressively, in another, an exceptionally iridescent pigeon did nothing more than stick his neck out without doing the courtship dance that I suspect was well within his capacity, and in two instances, the male “walked in” on a female pigeon who was preening. In all three of those times, the female pigeon flew away, effectively saying “hell no”.

    Also, as a (demisexual) woman myself, I can honestly say that if I see any man being the kind of asshole you described, I would practically flee in the opposite direction (though with a lot less panic).
    Actually, such men remind me of Gaston, from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, a supreme asshole jock who gets every girl except the one he wants (Belle) because Belle does not like his conceited, narcissistic manner (not to mention, romantic Belle would be easier to win than many of the women that the Gastons of the world try and fail to get because they treat people like garbage. Yes, Disney movies may be “childish” but many people have either seen them or will see them when they have kids someday.
    Also, such men may easily snag girls, but the girls will just as easily slip through their fingers because they are sick of the men’s behavior,

    Seeing as you’re a guy, I think it is worth asking women who have had good relationships what they think about this sort of thing.


  • Elsa Weissinger

    It says: “The point is that when someone does have the balls to take the risk to approach her she’s got to respect that. It shows courage and initiative,” and I competely agree. The problem is that when the girl shows her respect for this and just wants to be nice to the guy who approached her, but he does not interest her any further (not that there is something wrong about him, it’s just that he’s not her type), her kindness might be misinterpreted as an interest by the guy. And he might think he’s entitled to push some limits, just because he thinks she likes him, when in fact she’s just being nice and friendly (without objectively exceeding the friend line, of course).


  • kaurman

    I really enjoyed this article, particularly the part about making the first move. Perhaps it might be interesting to have a whole article about why men are nearly always expected to make the first move.


  • pafman

    Yep, I completely agree with this!


  • MagicChris



  • Marc B

    I like your theoryy, I am also enjoying your blog, keep up the nice work


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