A Modest Proposal on the Moral Imperative of Teacher Accountability

America is at the peak of its reign as the greatest nation in the world/history. Having solved all other problems it’s finally turned its wise, benevolent gaze towards solving the education crises that has been slowly eroding our children’s future….and with it, the future of the entire world. The 2 fundamental problems with education in America, as anyone can see, are the teachers and teachers’ unions. The solutions, which is even more obvious, are more standardized testing and teacher accountability.

This approach to education reform is simple to the point of being elegant. Children take tests, which prove they’ve memorized all the information necessary to survive and thrive in the open, dynamic world they’ll spend the rest of their lives in. If a child fails their tests, it must be because their teacher wasn’t good enough. So that teacher needs to have reprimands filed in their permanent record to establish a paper trail so they can ultimately be fired and blacklisted. Then a fresh teacher straight out of college can come in and give the students a proper education that will set them up to succeed at their standardized tests and thus life.

The solution to the education crisis is so blatantly clear, the only question left is, why don’t we expand this proven method to every other public service sector? If police fail to lower crime in an area, they need to be fired so we can bring in new recruits who know how to get the job done. If social workers fail to pull %88 of their clients out of poverty then why should we pay them? Put a black mark on their permanent record so they can never work in their field again. If a state fails to meet Utopian benchmarks of quality of living, we need to hold the people accountable who were responsible for the well being of the people. Fire the mayors, the governors and congressmen. Give them jobs they can handle. Give them jobs surveying state parks, and if they find any garbage then fire the grounds keepers for not doing their jobs. I believe that if George W. Bush were still in office he would accept the same level of accountability for the office of president and do so with with confidence and courage.

And what about the unions? Why stop with teachers’ unions? The bottom line is that if you’re alive then you don’t have anything to complain about. After all, you could be dead. We know how much teachers’ belly-aching about their wages keeping up with inflation or being allowed to “control” their classroom or being “protected” from “false allegations” from “disgruntled” students is wasting tax payer resources. We know unions are just trying to smash-and-grab whatever they can get out of the system. Thank God our elected officials have had the foresight to head off the unquenchable beast that is the teachers’ union. I pray they have the foresight to eliminate all unions everywhere. How do people not understand that we have elected officials to look out for our best interest? Unions are redundant and wasteful. All they do is add an extra cog in a streamlined system, and add an avoidable avenue for corruption to weasel its way into government.

I’m glad to see that America if finally getting back on track, and I look forward to getting where that road leads us. I can’t wait for the day that not only our school systems are standardized and privatized but the entire government as well. Let’s face it. In order to get the best police chiefs, mayors, congressmen, generals and presidents we have to offer them the same incentives the private sector offers. We need for-profit police departments, for-profit prisons, for-profit health and safety regulatory institutions, for-profit militaries (that’s right, plural), and a for-profit judicial, legislative and executive branch of governemnt. And we need a for-profit accountability department that meticulously scrutinizes everyone’s performance to ensure maximum productivity….or else what are we doing here?

As a matter of fact, I believe 3-strikes is a bit lenient. In a perfect world I’d like to see students and parents held to the same standards as teachers. If a student fails their standardized tests then we should cut to the chase and send them, their parents and their teachers straight past the poor house to the prison sweat shops. If they fail to make their quotas there then we march them out to a field with the prison warden and shoot all 4 four of them in their heads like the lame work horses they are.  I could be wrong, but that’s the only way I see to ensure everyone is accountable and successful. And the only way we’re ever going to build a Utopian society is if everyone is accountable and successful.

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3 responses to “A Modest Proposal on the Moral Imperative of Teacher Accountability

  • DepressionTube

    This makes me sad. I almost thought this was an actual thing, and I was so excited. Then you said something about Bush in a positive light, and I was thinking, “Huh? Well if this one guy likes him for some reason, then maybe Bush wasn’t a complete dumbass somehow.” But with all the “Thank god’s” and the scare quotes around ” ‘false allegations,’ ” “elected officials who work for interests,” I was like. Ah man. This is sarcastic. So what is your real proposal, or at least your criticism of the Republican viewpoint, or whatever viewpoint this is a critism of. Or is this just a late April fools thing?


    • wise sloth

      No Child Left Behind and the push to privatize schools are lowering the quality of education in America while using teachers as a scapegoat for the problems predatory education profiteering has caused. My solution would be to give all the money spent on testing to the Khan Academy so that it can develop free online classes on every subject. That would provide every school with all the educational resources necessary to supplement whatever shortcomings they may have. It would also allow student progress to be documented and tracked accurately for free without wasting teachers’ time or punishing them when students fail for reasons beyond their teachers’ control.


      • DepressionTube

        Holy shit! Thanks for the link, man. I’ve spent a lot of time just randomly looking for YT videos on math, that have nothing to do with what I’m trying to learn, and now I have this. Thank you, very much, good sir.


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