Deep Thoughts by the Wise Sloth

An atheist and a theist went on safari to Africa. When they walked out of the bush they found themselves face to face with an elephant. Having been raised in a small, remote town, they had never seen or heard of elephants before.

The theist said, “This is an ostrich.”

The atheist said, “Prove it.”

Smugly, the theist said, “I cannot, but I believe it. So it must be true.”

Smugly, the atheist replied, “But since you cannot prove this an ostrich then that proves ostriches don’t exist.”

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Freedom necessitates someone being allowed to do something that someone else doesn’t like. More to the point, freedom necessitates someone being allowed to do something taht someone else hates. More often than not, laws are determined by what mainstream society deems appropriate and taboo. Freedom necessitates allowing what the mainstream opposes, and whatever the mainstream opposes they label evil. So freedom necessitates allowing evil. More to the point, freedom necessitates facilitating what you consider evil.

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There are a lot of things wrong with the American government, but unlike in many countries, in America you have the freedom of speech to express your complaints against the government.

At the same time, unlike in many countries, in America there are secret police employed by the government to eavesdrop on all the citizens and bust down their door and arrest them and take them to secret prisons where they torture them if anyone exercise their freedom of speech to criticize the government too liberally.

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In recent years there’s been a debate about whether or not American citizens are entitled to receive free health care….in exchange for the taxes they pay. There has been no debate, however, as to whether or not Americans deserve the right to choose to fund unjust wars that destabilize weaker countries so that multinational corporations can exploit the defeated countries’ natural and human resources. So far the verdict is this: Americans don’t deserve to pay for free health care, but they do deserve to fund terrorism.

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The Western and Eastern nations have a lot of opposing views on life, and these opposing views have caused a lot of conflict in the world, but there’s one thing that both the East and West agree on (for the most part) and that’s that boobies are evil. Boobies? Really? I’ve done the moral calculations over and over, and I can’t see one reason why more boobies wouldn’t make the world a better place. It really shouldn’t come as any suprise that when the world is controlled by old people who are so detached from reality that theyeu think boobies are so evil there has to be laws on the books regulating them, of course those friggid, delusional old people are going to screw everything else up too.

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The two surest ways to piss off a modern mainstream academic philosopher is to posit one of two conclusions:

1. Philosophy is useless.

2. Philosophy must be useful.

Both work equally as well.

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If teachers are held accountable when their students fail then why aren’t banks held accountable when their borrowers default on their loans? If the government is so concerned with protecting people from themselves that it sends people to jail for smoking weed then why aren’t people sent to jail for borrowing money to buy things they don’t need? If drug dealers are sent to jail for selling drugs that people don’t need but just make them feel better even though it hurts them then why aren’t bankers sent to jail for giving people loans they don’t need and can’t afford? A grocery store couldn’t charge you for not spending money at their store. A restaurant couldn’t charge you for not spending enough money on your dinner. So why can banks charge you for not having enough money in their bank?

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It’s accepted that people aren’t mentally mature enough to understand driving until they’re 16. They’re not mentally mature enough to understand sex or voting until they’re 18. They’re not mature enough to understand alcohol until they’re 21. So why is it legal to send 5 year old children to Sunday school?

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You can’t really say saints are selfless and sinners are selfish. They’re both motivated by the exact same thing: the calculated payoff.

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Christmas is big business. Business is war. War is hell. Christmas is hell.

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It’s easier to reinvent the wheel than to squeeze a dollar out of a dime or fit a square peg in a round hole.

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Voting defined: the right to choose who represents corporate interests

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When you point out enough logical reasons why the Bible isn’t the word of God but  merely a work of culturally biased literarture that’s part early history (warped by the “telephone game” effect), part superstitious, mythological explanations of natural phenomenon by scientifically ignorant, primitive people, part bedtime stories intended to teach social norms to children, part governmental law cloaked with the authority of a vengeful phantom, part Middle Eastern philosophy tempered with a bit of GrecoRoman philosophy and part brazen social manipulation…Christians often use the logic-stopping argument that belief in God gives them comfort in an uncertain and lonely universe…so you should quit being such a buzzkill.

Really? You take comfort in belief in a God that drowned all but a handful of people in the world and had them repopulate society incestuously, said it was okay to beat your slaves as long as you don’t kill them, considers women to be property, designed  (almost) all of us to be sex addicts and then told us sex was evil, pranked one of his most devout followers into killing his own son and then told him he was just joking at the last minute, killed another one of his most devout followers’ family and gave him the black aids just to see if he’d mind, told another of his most devout followers to live in the desert and suffer from malnutrition and exposure his whole life until he got his head chopped off, had his own son (or himself depending on how you look at it) nailed to a piece of freakin wood after a full day of torture, says that no matter how well you behave you’ll always be a miserable scummy failure in His eyes and all but promises to throw you into a lake of fire where you’ll burn for all eternity for losing at a game you didn’t even ask to play? Man, what’s your idea of discomfort?

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If school is supposed to prepare children for life…then why isn’t “wisdom” one of the core classes?

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I don’t think American politicians can justify spending over half the federal budget on the military anymore by using the argument, “We’re protecting the freedom of our citizens…”when America leads the world in number of foreign invasions.

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So a black man was elected president of the USA. I guess now drug users and prostitutes are the most oppressed minorities in the Western world.

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Solving a real world problem that serves a useful external purpose is like ejaculating for the sake of having a baby. Solving a purely theoretical puzzle with no real world application, which is only useful as a personal exercise, is like ejaculating for the sake of ejaculating. That’s mental masturbation.

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Over the years I’ve learned that anytime a salesman tells you they’re going to do you a favor or offer you the deal of a lifetime…that’s your cue to run like hell.

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If a system, be it a school, business, economy, government, club, sports team, marriage, religion, computer network or even a physical building ever reaches the point where it’s on the verge of collapse…that indicates that the problem lies in the fundamentals of the system, not the fine tuning.

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I’ve always had this nagging suspicion about people who avidly use the “tough love” method to teach students, athletes, children, criminals, soldiers, etc. I have no doubt that at the end of the day they honestly mean to help individuals become better people and make society a better place. But I suspect that in the heat of the moment they savor getting to hurt people and relish having a justifiable excuse to get away with it.

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It’s been said at least a million times that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. It’s also been said at least a million times that America is the world’s greatest super power. Well, what did you expect would happen?

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In the past century, if people had obsessed about wisdom half as much as we’ve obsessed about love…this world would already be Utopian.

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Praying is a lot like crying. Sometimes it does you good emotionally…just so long as you understand that it doesn’t do shit to fix the problems that fucked your life up in the first place.

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The fact that we can’t decide whether or not health care is a right is because we haven’t established a firm guideline that lays out what factors determine our rights. All we have is, “All men are created equal and we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” So the determining guidelines for establishing our rights are a couple of vague, over generalized, malleable, subjective feel good lyrics to a children’s song. No wonder our entire justice system is more jumbled and twisted than a Brazilian power line.

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The most important things in life are the foundations on which everything else is built, and the foundations are the simplest things in life. So if you find yourself worrying about something extremely complicated…there’s a fairly certain chance that you’re worrying about something relatively unimportant.

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Don’t think of yourself as a television viewer. Think of yourself as a television consumer. You are consuming what you watch and its becoming part of you just like the hamburger you consume with your mouth gets digested and becomes a part of you. If the fast food you consume has toxins in it then those toxins are going to get integrated into your body and make you sick. If the television you consume has stupid in it then that stupid is going to get integrated into your mind and make you sick. The people quickest to defend fast food and say, “a little is okay” are the people who eat fast food the most and are probably already well on their way to getting chronic diabetic cancer disorder syndrome. The people quickest to defend television and say “a little is okay” are the people who consume TV the most and are probably already well on their way to getting stupid.

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Modern day philosophy students sneer at religious people because religious people only regurgitate othere people’s ideas…yet philosophers these days base their careers on regurgitating Descart, Hegel, Nietzche, Kant, etc.

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Instead of sentencing criminals to sit in jail for years on end, force them to work entry level service jobs for half that time. They’ll be able to earn valuable job skills while suffering hard labor and indignity. I guarantee crime rates will drop.

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There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who figure shit out as they go along…And those who make shit up as they go along. Rarely will you meet the former.

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Proving that someone is a hypocrite…doesn’t prove they were wrong about what they said.

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The other day I said to my boss,“Hey boss, do you have a second?” He reflexively barked,“NO!” I noticed he had a book laying on his desk right beside him. The title said, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” It made me wonder what chapter he was on.

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You deserve everything you could ever possibly want…but you don’t deserve to have it just handed to you on a silver platter.

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If (for argument’s sake) the only feasible way to get quality health care is by paying for health insurance then how about we get rid of private health insurance and make it so each state has one public health insurance plan that covers everybody and is regulated by the government to ensure fairness and equal opportunity. Then, once or twice a year the state takes all the excess profits made by its insurance plan and gives all that money to all the hospitals, free clinics, etc. in that state to buy better equipment and subsidize doctors’ wages so the hospitals don’t have to charge an arm and a leg to provide quality health care. Wouldn’t that be better than having the excess profits go to buy third party insurance providers more cocaine, hookers, and yachts?

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I was thinking back to all the bosses I’ve ever had at any of my jobs when I realized…the higher education system in America is a complete fucking failure.

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I was inching my way through the afternoon rush hour commute from work today when I got stuck at a red light. I got to looking around at all the other people around me sitting in their cars…when I noticed the only person smiling was the panhandler.

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If you want to know what life is going to be like after the apocalypse…go visit a Mexican flea market.

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In regards to the question of legalization, the health benefits of marijuana…are as irrelevant as the health benefits of cigarettes.

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Wouldn’t it make more sense for the fines you get from the police for breaking the law to be based on your income instead of a flat rate? Think about it. If you make $900 per month, and you get a $150 speeding ticket you’re getting fined 16% of your livelihood. However, you make $10,000 per month then a $150 fine would be 1.5% of your livelihood. So poor people are getting harsher punishments than rich people as if they’d committed a greater crime.

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Poor people in other countries must be amazed at the gall and/or cognitive dissonance of Americans who insist their nation is based on Christian values…when we live in a consumer culture that hinges on the beliefs/expectations that the customer is always right and you can have it all without sacrificing anything.

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I think the type of television shows that start with the disclaimer “for mature audiences only” sends a confusing message to children about the meaning of the word “mature.”

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So it’s legal to sell people cigarettes that will kill them in the long run…but once a smoker becomes terminally ill it’s illegal to help him kill himself quickly. I don’t think enforcing morality is the real issue here.

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New rule: If you eat fast food or drink sodas you don’t get to criticize people for smoking or boozing.

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A lot of religious people ask how you can have a moral code if you’re not religious. If you are religious then just ask yourself why you ignore all the retarded moral codes in your religion.

Then you’ll have your answer.

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You always hear old people complaining about how spoiled, ungrateful, and undisciplined kids are these days…but you never hear old people complaining about what a bad job their generation did as parents.

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Anyone who thinks the people in our society respect the inherent value of their fellow man enough that another holocaust is impossible…has obviously never been on an internet chat forum.

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Ironic that we Americans spend most of our childhood yearning to move out of our parents’ house as soon as possible so they can’t nag us and tell us how to live any longer…and yet once we’re on our own we race to find true love and get married as quickly as possible…to someone who will nag us and tell us how to live for the rest of our lives.

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We shouldn’t teach evolution as fact. There are other competing theories that deserve consideration. We should give children the freedom of choice to consider all their options and decide for themselves what they believe without pressuring them. In fact, we should encourage them to consider all the alternatives as vigorously as possible. Now reread that paragraph, but replace the word “evolution,” with “the Bible.”

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I want you to imagine this in your mind as vividly in as possible…Imagine if president Barack Obama were to issue a press release stating that he alone possesses the power to speak to God. The next day he issues a press release telling the entire world that everyone (even other world leaders) have to address him as “The Father.” He even goes as far as declaring that it’s a privilege to kiss his hand. And just so it’s impossible to ignore this behavior he starts wearing giant hats and wizard robes and walks around with a staff.

Seriously. If that were to actually happen in real life what do you think would happen next? The entire world would discredit him. He’d be thrown out of office, sent to a mental institute and never be able to hold any position of authority ever again. And everybody in every corner of the earth would laugh at that crazy sonofabitch, and everybody who knew him personally would distance themselves as far as possible from him.

So honestly then, why hasn’t the Pope been locked up in a padded room where he belongs yet?

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Are you qualified to run the government? Do you understand the intricacies of foreign relations, tariffs, trade laws, etc? Do understand local civil law? Could you write a 100 page dissertation on ethics that could pass the strictest test of logic? Do you know exactly how every office in your government works and relates to every other offices? Are you an expert on military strategy? How much of the Constitution, Bill of Rights, or Geneva Convention can you quote? Are you in debt? If you don’t know enough about finance to balance your own budget could you balance an entire nation’s budget? Are you qualified to run the government? No. Am I? No. Are we qualified to elect the CEO of a multinational fortune 500 company? No. So seriously, what makes us qualified to recognize and pick the most qualified political candidates to run our government if we don’t know what the hell we’re picking them to do or how they’re supposed to do it?

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People who accuse you of being close minded are usually just pissed off that you don’t believe exactly what they believe.

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The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his dick. The quickest way to a woman’s vagina is through her heart.

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Why is it that when people within our own culture practice different morals we have no problem labeling them as immoral deviants and throwing them in jail…yet when people in foreign countries practice different morals we say, “You can’t judge other people’s cultures because that’s ethnocentric?”

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If you shoot for the moon and miss, at least you’ll land among the stars…that or you’ll plummet to the earth and all your hopes and dreams will burn up during reentry into the atmosphere until there’s nothing left to hold onto when you finally smash into the earth and hit rock bottom…

But if your hopes and dreams had just been to buy a trailer on the outskirts of town, a used pickup truck, and mini fridge you probably would have successfully fulfilled your dreams long ago.

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Some people say that if you’re exposed to pornography it’ll warp your mind and cause you to do all sorts of depraved, unethical, and dangerous things. Okay, so then what’s all the pedophile rapist priests’ excuse?

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Imagine if I were to come up to you today and say, “This March 25th we’ll be starting a new holiday. In order to celebrate it you’ll need to spend between say $2,000 and $20,000. If you don’t go along with it then you’re a miserly old scrooge who deserves to be visited by 3 ghosts who will tell you what a piece of shit you are and how you’ve wasted your whole life.”

If I did that you’d probably tell me to go fuck myself and that you have enough problems of your own let alone being forced to pay a shit load of money you don’t have on a made up holiday. The only difference between the aforementioned scenario and Christmas is that you were told about Christmas yesterday, and I just told you about the March 25th holiday today.

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The government really goes out of its way to take away our freedoms in order to protect ourselves from ourselves. You can’t smoke weed. You can’t buy alcohol or cigarettes until a certain age. You have to wear a seat belt. You can’t have sex with prostitutes. You can’t gamble in ceratin areas. You can’t even cross the street until the light says you can. The list goes on and on…but if the government is so concerned about keeping us from screwing up our lives then why is marriage still legal?

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Diamonds cost thousands of dollars because they’re so rare, but you can buy them at any Wal-Mart. You can’t buy a dildo at Wal-Mart. Looks to me like dildos are more precious than diamonds.

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So there’s this huge debate raging between thousands, if not millions, of intellectuals about whether or not the book of Genesis is scientifically accurate. Millions of dollars have been spent on it. Thousands of papers have been written on it. Laws have been passed on it. Careers have been created and ended by it…and yet nobody ever brings up the talking snake in the magic garden that’s supposed to be guarded by a flying sword to this day.

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Ever since the invention of photographic cameras people all over the world have been taking pictures of UFOs. There are only three ways to explain the existence of these photos:

1. They were all manipulated. However, this seems unlikely since so many different people from different cultures have seen UFOs. Even last year in Texas a priest and a sherrif swore they saw one.

2. There are aliens from another planet who are visiting our planet, and there’s a worldwide conspiracy involving most of the first world governements to cover it up. While it’s statistically likely that there is alien life somewhere in the universe the chances of them finding us and hiding using the help of our governements is absurdly small.

3. One or more of our militaries right here on earth invented a radical form of propulsion engine and isn’t sharing the knowledge with the rest of us for greedy reasons. If the simplest explanation is usually the right one then this is the most likely explanation for the existence of UFOs. We even know for a fact that the American government kept the Blackbird, unmanned UAVs and stealth aircraft secret for decades.

Now, what’s another term for a vehicle that hovers and flies through the air? A flying car, that’s what! Our governments have had the flying car for years and isn’t letting us poor, miserable inner city commuters get our hands on it. I want my fucking flying car already.

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I think Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Graham Bell, and Thomas Edison would be pleased to know that the culmination of their inventions half a century or more later is the existence of a technologically marvelous worldwide communication network comprised of interconnected hubs and lines all over the world, transcending national boundaries and cultural differences…and its primary use is to swap nudie videos.

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Sometimes when I’m eating and nobody else around me is eating I pretend I’m a cave man…and all the women there see me as the most desirable mate because I have food and none of the other cavemen do.

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If a child ever asks you what prayer is and how it works tell them it’s like God giving you a “dutch rudder.”


One response to “Deep Thoughts by the Wise Sloth

  • DepressionTube

    Nice. All the tiny articles in one neat package. I think its safe to say I’m addicted to your work. This is to the point where I downloaded your book, and am afraid to finish it, lest I can’t read any more new content. Silly I suppose. I looked up “dutch rudder.” L!

    Like

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