Two Positive Ladies #5

 

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

Script:

Comic # 1

Lady #1: I got sexually aroused watching a television program. So I’m going to need you to censor it for everyone.

Lady #2: Can you prove that sexual arousal is mentally unhealthy?

Lady #1: Why would I need to do that?

Lady #2: Haven’t you heard, dear? We’re basing social policy on social science now.

Lady #1: But what about all of our primitive subjective cultural taboos?

Lady #2: Don’t worry, dear. You can keep those. You just can’t force them on everyone else.

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I’ve just had another eureka moment!

Lady #2: What was it, dear?

Lady #1: We should require prisons to have to treat human beings as well, if not better than, we require kennels to treat dogs.

Lady #2: My goodness, you’re clever.

Comic # 3

Lady #1: If I vote for a politician, does that politician have to behave the way I want her to?

Lady #2: No, dear. Not at all. How would she even know how all of her voters wanted her to behave?

Lady #1: So how does my vote count if it doesn’t actually lead to my views being represented?

Lady #2: …

Lady #1: Well?

Lady #2: I”m thinking, dear.

Comic # 4

Lady #1: I’ve decided that the survival of life on the planet is more important than corporate profits.

Lady #2: And I’ve decided to lower the age limit for running for political office to eleven years old.

Lady #1: Why is that, dear?

Lady #2: Well, my grand daughter already figured out that the survival of life on the planet is more important than corporate profits.

Lady #1: Wow. Kids think fast. Maybe we should put an age cap on running for office as well.

Comic # 5

Lady #1: Remind me again why we went to war with the Middle East.

Lady #2: I’m afraid the official story has changed so many times nobody is really quite sure any more.

Lady #1: New rule: Any politician who sends troops to a foreign country is automatically put on trial until he can prove conclusively that military action was absolutely, vitally necessary.

Lady #2: In that case I’ll stop telling my nephew, “It’s not for you to question why but to do or die.”

Comic # 6

Lady #1: I hate to sound like a negative-nancy, but I hate living in the suburbs.

Lady #2: Don’t feel bad, dear. Everyone knows suburbs are a terrible way to partition a city.

Lady #1: Why are we still building them then?

Lady #2: In order to become a politician who decides these things you have to be an expert at speaking, not at managing a civilization.

Lady #1: That’s it. From now on, in order to run for office you have to be qualified to manage a civilization.

Lady #2: The lobbyists will be so disappointed.

Comic # 7

Lady #1: How do you determine the value of a stock?

Lady #2: It ends up being worth whatever people will pay for it.

Lady #1: And a stock represents ownership in a company?

Lady #2: Not the way you’re thinking, no. It’s just a number on a computer.

Lady #1: So how do I get rich off of stocks?

Lady #2: By owning businesses that sell them.

Lady #2: I thought stocks existed to give poor people a chance at making money.

Lady #1: Let me put it this way. You don’t build a casino so the gamblers can get rich.

Comic # 8

Lady #1: Shooting sprees seem to be in fashion this season.

Lady #2: That’s it. I’m calling a family meeting.

Lady #1: Nobody is excused from the meeting until we get to the bottom of this.

Lady #2: What if somebody is offended. Can they be excused then?

Lady #1: Not even if they have to use the little girl’s room.

Lady #2: But I’ve just had tea!

Comic # 9

Lady #1: Quick, we’ve got to do something! It’s worse than we thought!

Lady #2: What’s worse than we thought, dear?

Lady #1: The conditions people are living in!

Lady #2: Settle down, dear. We’re fine.

Lady #1: There’s no time to explain. You’ll just have to see for yourself. Follow me.

Lady #2: Where are we going?

Lady #2: Mississippi.

Comic # 10

Lady #1: Let’s pretend we live in a perfect world.

Lady #2: Okay, I’m pretending.

Lady #1: Did you hear they’re not going to make another season of “Jersey Shore” or anything else like it?

Lady #2: “Jersey Shore?” Was that some kind of nature program?


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