A Baby Boomer Explains Life

Note: The purpose of this comic is not to insinuate that every single person born between 1946 and 1964 thinks and acts the exact same way. However, the generalizations made in this comic are based on behaviors and attitudes that are common enough to warrant reflection and discussion. Baby Boomers

Transcript

Kid: Hey, mister.

Boomer: What do you want, kid?

Kid: Can you explain life to me?

Boomer: What’s in it for me?

Kid: Uh, you get to feel good about sharing knowledge and making the world a better place?

Boomer: Wow, you kids these days are such whiny, lazy, entitled brats, always looking for a handout.

Kid: Is that the only advice you have?

Boomer: And you’re disrespectful. But don’t worry. I’ll pass on all the wisdom of my generation.

Kid: Wow. Thank you for your generosity. If I could find a job I’d fund your social security.

Boomer: The first thing you need to know about life is that the universe was created by an egotistical, chauvinistic, murderous deity who acts exactly like a tribal leader from an ancient civilization.

Kid: Cool beans. What’s his name?

Boomer: It doesn’t matter what you call him. What’s important is that you hate everyone who calls him by a different name.

Kid: I guess I’ll just call him by the same name my neighbors use.

Boomer: Very popular choice.

Kid: So what does God want me to do with my life?

Boomer: Well, besides oppressing anyone who doesn’t call him by the same name as you, you need to give all your money to his spokesmen, have as little fun as possible, hate yourself, spend all day reaffirming to yourself how great God is and try your hardest to force your beliefs on others.

Kid: Why does God want us to do all that?

Boomer: Because humans are worthless scum who don’t deserve to be loved. So it’s our duty to grovel at our creator’s feet, beg for salvation and try not to piss him off anymore than we already have.

Kid: So, basically I have no potential to fulfill?

Boomer: Just worry about filling his spokesmen’s bank accounts.

Kid: Got it. What else do I need to know about life?

Boomer: We may all be equally worthless in the eyes of God, but here on earth, the older you are, the better you are. Since you’re younger than me, you’re a second class citizen compared to me. You have to do everything I say, never question me and constantly massage my ego.

Kid: What do I do if someone younger than me tries to act like we’re equal?

Boomer: You have the God-given right, nay, obligation, to beat them.

Kid: Will that make them better people?

Boomer: Spare the rod, spoil the child, I always say.

Kid: Please sir, tell me more about how to become a responsible adult.

Boomer: Get this tattooed on your forehead: Greed is good.

Kid: Are you for serious?

Boomer: The richest human on the planet is the ideal human. The poorest human on the planet is worth less than the food it takes to keep them alive.

Kid: So I should worship the rich and vilify the poor? What about rich people who get their money by exploiting others?

Boomer: You’re not listening. Virtue is measured by the size of your bank account, not by your actions.

Kid: So how do I get rich?

Boomer: By exploiting your workers and customers.

Kid: And what if I don’t want to do that?

Boomer: Then you’ll always be a lazy, irresponsible, entitled, worthless dirt bag who deserves a life of emptiness and pain.

Kid: Is there no way to redeem myself?

Boomer: The most responsible thing a member of the lower class.. I mean, working class… can do is to work as long and hard as possible without ever complaining or asking for anything.

Kid: So, for the poor, responsibility is measured in subservience?

Boomer: Arbeit macht frei, I always say.

Kid: Pardon my insolence, sir, but is this the best system we can come up with?

Boomer: Never for a moment doubt that you live in the best country in the world. You have the best economy, the most rights, the most freedom, the most joy and opportunity than anyone else has ever had anywhere.

Kid: I’m confused. It seems like our entire system is based on slavery.

Boomer: Let me clear up your confusion. You’re an ungrateful, unpatriotic traitor who doesn’t deserve to eat the crumbs that fall from my table. Now shut up and get back to work.

Kid: I would, but you outsourced all the jobs to countries where slavery is less ambiguous. Seriously though, let’s think outside the box and see if we can’t imagine a better world.

Boomer: You’re still not listening. Thinking outside the box isn’t mature. Thinking for yourself isn’t mature. Standing up for yourself isn’t mature. Wanting to change the world isn’t mature. It’s not your place to change anything. Your place is at work, doing what you’re told.

Kid: Is there no way I can play a part in improving the world?

Boomer: Yes. You see, the way you make the world better is by jailing or killing all the bad guys. So pay your taxes. Support the troops, and obey the rules. Then everything will be fine.

Kid: Hmmm. Actually, I think I might immigrate to another country.

Boomer: It’s nearly impossible for poor people to immigrate, and even if you could, you’d just end up being a rich person’s slave over there.

Kid: What can I do to make the best out of being a prisoner in the freest country in history?

Boomer: Spend money, of course! Spend all your money, and then borrow more money. Fill your house with things you don’t need to impress people you don’t like.

Kid: But if I spend all my money I’ll never get rich. Then I’ll have to work my butt off for crumbs for the rest of my life.

Boomer: You’re getting very sleepy. You want to spend all your money. There is a hole in your soul that can only be filled by designer goods. Shopping is happiness.

Kid: Shopping is happiness. Subservience is maturity. I am a worthless, lazy entitled second class citizen.

Boomer: Very good, my young disciple. I can teach you no more.

The End.

If you liked or hated this comic, you may feel the same way about these other comics:

A Brief History of the Working Class

A Story About Marijuana Prohibition

The Island of Mana

The Land Lord

Taxation Without Representation

Some are more equal than others

Life after George Washington

Basic Training Explained

The Officer Corps explained

The back end of the S.O.P.A. issue

7 Steps to becoming a billionaire (a response to people who say protesters should just get jobs)

Americans getting hand outs

Intervention with a Pop Star: Part 1

Intervention with a Pop Star: Part 2

The Equality Myth

The Tent Issue

Veterans protesting in Oakland

Protesting in America

Political Campaign Finance 101

Economics 101

University 101

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Free Will

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Growing Up

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Life

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: The Chicken and the Egg

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Religion

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Philosophy

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: The Social Contract

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Is Man Inherently Good or Evil?

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Occupy LOL Street: A Brave New Village

Occupy LOL Street: The Butterfly Effect

Occupy LOL Street: A For Anonymous

Occupy LOL Street: The People’s Party

Occupy LOL Street and the Constitutional Convention

Occupy LOL Street and the Plight of the Homeless

Occupy LOL Street: The LOL Cats Save Christmas

Occupy LOL Street: The Freedom Flotilla

Occupy LOL Street: The Burden of Responsibility

Occupy LOL Street: The Guilded Age

Occupy LOL Street: The Wizard of LULZ

Occupy LOL Street: Adventures in Lobbying


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