This Was Your Life: The Agnostic Diver

This comic strip is the 4th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.
this was your life

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:

Transcript

A man wearing a blue jump suit and a green cap stands on a cloud next to an elaborate gate. From a distance he hears shouting.

Scuba Diver: Help me! I’m drowning! Somebody help me!

Stranger: You’re not drowning. You already drowned.

Scuba Diver: Dang it. I’m dead. Hey, are those the pearly gates to Heaven?

Stranger: Well, let’s just say I’m the guy you need to talk to.

Scuba Diver: So, uh. What do you want to talk about?

Stranger: What do you think God’s name is?

Scuba Diver: The thing about that is, I’m agnostic. So I leave open the possibility for the existence of God, but I won’t put a name to something I don’t know.

Stranger: Hmmm. That leaves me in a bit of a pickle.

Scuba Diver: Why is that?

Stranger: Well, you see, God does exist, but God is too big for a name. So you got that part right, but you didn’t have dogmatic faith in God’s existence.

Scuba Diver: What does it matter if I have dogmatic faith in God’s existence?

Stranger: Hahahahaha. That’s a stupid question. I mean, how can your creator do anything else nice for you if you don’t have unwavering belief in something you’re impossibly ignorant of?

Scuba Diver: My point exactly. That doesn’t make any sense.

Stranger: Says you. Anyway, the topic is moot. Now here’s what’s going to happen. Normally, everyone who guesses God’s name wrong or doesn’t believe in God simply turns into a ghost and has to spend the rest of eternity passively watching the universe run its course. And people who get God’s name right, get to experience every moment of awareness every other living thing has ever and will ever experience. Since you were kind of half right about God, I’ll let you pick how you want to spend the next few trillion years.

Scuba Diver: Holy crap, that’s heavy. One the one hand, I don’t want to experience all the suffering of every living creature in time and space… but since that seems to be the reward, I’m suspicious about how agonizing it would be to be a passive observer forever.

Stranger: Well… it’s not forever. Just until all the atoms in the universe reach a temperature of -459.67 degrees Fahrenheit.

Scuba Diver: What happens after that?

Just then, a man wearing a blue jump suit, green hat and long, fake beard appears out of a burst of flames.

Scuba Diver: Eeeek!

Bearded Stranger: What’s going on here? Holy Crap! Were you screwing with the dead while I was on break?

Stranger: Noooo.

Scuba Diver: He was just helping me decide whether I want to experience every living organisms’ existence or be a ghostly observer until the end of the universe.

Bearded Stranger: Since when do mortals get to choose their fate?

Stranger: Well, Scuba Steve over here is an agnostic, and I mean, what do you do with an agnostic?

Bearded Stranger: Hmmm. That’s a good question.

Scuba Diver: Seriously, guys? This issue has never come up before?

Bearded Stranger: Of course it has. The truth is it doesn’t matter what you believe. Everyone just goes into a nonexistent sleep until the universe blinks out of existence.

Scuba Diver: What do you mean, “until?” What happens after that?

Stranger: That’s for us to know, and you to find out.

Bearded Stranger: NOW BE GONE!

The scuba diver disappears in a burst of flames while the two strangers giggle.

Bearded Stranger: Now that he’s gone, would you care to explain yourself?

Stranger: You were right, Loki. It really is fun lying to the dead just before sending them off.

Bearded Stranger: You know, I’m fine with karma coming back to bite me in the ass, but I’m a masochist like that. I’m surprised you’re willing to reap what you know you’re sowing.

Stranger: Man, as boring as it is up here, a little adversity would just be a welcome adventure. Send in the next one.

Bearded Stranger: Alright, I’m going to pretend to be on break again.

THE END


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