This Was Your Life: The Hedonist

This comic strip is the 4th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.Hedonist

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:

Transcript:

Two men, Loki and The Stranger are standing next to a large, ornate gate on an endless cloud. They are both wearing blue overalls and green caps. The only physical difference between them is, Loki has a long, white beard, and The Stranger does not. They are approached by a hedonist wearing a skydiving jumpsuit.

Hedonist: THE FINAL RIIIIIIDE!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!

Loki: The ride ain’t over.

Hedonist: Howdy, friends. Does this gate lead to another ride?

The Stranger: By your definition of the word, “ride,” yes.

Hedonist: Alright, let’s do this, baby. I got one more jump in me.

Loki: Great. Just show us your ticket, and we’ll let you right through.

Hedonist: Uh… I don’t seem to have my ticket on me.

The Stranger: What!? The old woman from Aruba didn’t give you your ticket when you completed the quest chain?

Loki: The old woman from Aruba is a N.P.C. She’s incapable of forgetting. He must have lost it, which means he’ll have to go on the lost ticket quest.

Hedonist: What woman from Aruba? What’s a N.P.C. You fellas aren’t making any sense.

Loki: Oh, I see… He doesn’t have a ticket, because he never completed the quest chain.

The Stranger: Ahhhh.

Hedonist: Ya’ll are making me real nervous here.

The Stranger: There was a specific series of tasks you were supposed to complete before death that would unlock the next level. Since you failed to complete the assigned tasks, you lost the game.

Loki: No extra lives. No respawns.

The Stranger: So tell us, what did you spend your invaluable, irreplaceable time in the realm of existence on?

Loki: Yeah, what was more important than the quest?

Hedonist: Man, I don’t know what ya’ll are talking about. My quest was to live, and dang it I did. As soon as I was born I hit the ground running. I had more sex, more fun, more adventure, more thrills, chills and spills than a alcoholic vampire stuntman. See, when I was a little boy, I asked my momma what life was for, and she said life was for living. So I said, “Momma, that’s what I’m going to do.” And I never let my momma down.

The Stranger: Wow. I’m actually kind of misty eyed. That was… That was beautiful.

Loki: You know who else is misty eyed? All the starving children lined up outside the gates. How much did that jumpsuit cost? How many gardens do you think that money would buy?

The Stranger: Hold on. I’m on jumpsuit’s side. I mean, what’s more important, having fun or bringing other people’s quality of life up to a level where their existence isn’t a gruesome gauntlet of agonizing torture?

Loki: Some would argue the latter.

The Stranger: But the point of saving lives is so we they can live life to the fullest. And most of those kids were going to die anyway. No sense wasting this guy’s potential scooping water out of a sinking ship.

Loki: Well, I can’t say you don’t make a valid point.

Hedonist: Are you guys friggin screwing with me?

The Stranger: Let’s be fair. Sure, he failed half the test, but he should be rewarded for the half that he did win.

Loki: Fair enough. What shall his reward be, then?

Stranger: Mortal, if you had just one wish, what would it be?

Hedonist: I’ve always wished I could fly through the air like a rocket.

Loki: Granted!

Fire erupts from the bottom of the hedonist’s feet, and begins to lift off the ground.

Stranger: So… you’re free to fly around literally as long as you want. You’ll never thirst, hunger or hurt.

Hedonist: Thaaaaanks Guuuuuys.

Loki: And whenever you’re ready to endure the horrible agony your inactions have inflicted on others, just pop back by and we’ll send you on your next ride.

Hedonist: Wait, what?

Stranger: Again, take all the time you need. You can put this off as long as you want.

The hedonist flies away, propelled by his rocket feet.

Loki: How long do you think he’ll run from Hell?

Stranger: He’s brave. I only give him a few thousand years. How crazy do you think he’s going to drive himself?

Loki: Crazy enough to decide it’s a good idea to go to Hell.

Stranger: He sure is going to be relieved when he finds out we were lying about suffering the consequences of his inactions.

Loki: Well, he’s not going to be relieved, because he won’t be anything. He won’t know…

Stranger: Oh, stop it, Loki. You know what I meant.

The End.


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