See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:
- This was your life: A Christian Woman
- This was your life: A Christian Fireman
- This was your life: An Agnostic Diver
- This was your life: The Hedonist
- This was your life: The Martyrs
- This was your life: The Selfless Servant
- This was your life: An Atheist
- This was your life: Two Randoms
- This was your life: The Billionaire
- This was your life: Spiritual But Not Religious
- This was your life: The Faith Healer
- This was your life: The Racist
- This was your life: The Nonconformist
- This was your life: A Liberal and a Conservative
- This was your life: The Modern Artist
- This was your life: The Vegetarian
- This was your life: The Satanist
- This was your life: The Obama Christmas Special
- This was your life: The Pope and The Dali Lama
- This was your life: The Puritan
A man wearing a blue jump suit and a green hat stands before a large set of gates on an endless cloud. An Asian looking man wearing a pilot’s uniform approaches him.
Pilot: I’m coming. I’m coming.
Stranger: I got nowhere to be.
Pilot: Sorry I’m late.
Stranger: You’re not late, and unnecessary apologizing is one of my pet peeves.
Pilot: I understand and will not apologize again.
Stranger: A quick and obedient learner. You must have gone far in life.
Pilot: I never left Orange County, California, actually. I had too many responsibilities at home and school.
Stranger: Yeah, I know your whole story. Too bad flight school didn’t work out. I’m going to cut right to the chase here. The way this works is, you tell us what you believe, and then we judge you.
Pilot: Yes, sir.
Stranger: And don’t call me, “sir.” I ain’t your daddy.
Pilot: Very well. My beliefs are a combination of concepts I cherry picked mostly from Eastern religions and upper class American suburban Christianity.
Stranger: Go on.
Pilot: All things are one. Do no harm. Grow. Be here now, and serve selflessly with honor.
Stranger: Oh man, you were knocking balls out of the park left and right. But uh… I’m going to need you to clarify that last little bit about selflessness and honor before I can give you the green light.
Pilot: It is man’s responsibility, our duty, to serve others. It is an opportunity to be honorable. By giving we redeem ourselves and reap karma. We become complete not through gaining, but by letting go of our own wants. That is the way.
Stranger: Wow. Your beliefs are specific enough to be a strawman argument.
Pilot: Like I said, I cherry picked the beliefs that were convenient for me.
Stranger: Here’s the thing, Bob. Overall, I love where you’re coming from. Your heart’s in the right place too, but you take being generous and humble to the point of being a willing slave. I hate to knock you for trying to do the right thing, but… humans just weren’t created to be slaves. I just don’t know what to do with you.
Loki appears between the two men in a fiery explosion. He has a long, white beard, and he is wearing a blue jump suit and a green hat.
Loki: Never fear. Tech support is here.
Pilot: Pleased to meet you, sir.
Loki: What’s the situation?
Stranger: Old boy, over here is a pretty decent human being. Buuuuut he has this philosophy about being duty-bound and honor-driven to subjugate himself to others.
Loki: Let us not rush to judgement. Tell us, mortal, if all men are equal, then who deserves the honor to be served by another?
Pilot: Your elders, especially your parents. Bosses, holy men, politicians, police. Authority figures in general, but you could help anyone in need.
Loki: Random charity aside, what did the authority figures in the realm of existence do to deserve your fealty?
Pilot: They worked hard and smart. They made sacrifices and earned their positions. I respect their character and strive to be as successful as them.
Stranger: The company your dad works for sells safety equipment that both your dad and his boss know is faulty.
Pilot: They dishonor themselves, but even if I cannot respect the person, I must still respect the rank.
Loki: And why is that?
Pilot: Because it is my place.
Loki: I’ve heard enough testimony. It is not your place to bow to anyone. You were created to stand, and in that regard you have failed your creator.
Pilot: I apologize, sir. I accept my punishment, whatever it is.
Stranger: Oh, bearded one, this is like kicking a puppy. Maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt and cut him some slack.
Loki: Mortal, did you always do what you thought was right?
Pilot: Yes, sir.
Loki: Gatekeeper, did the mortal’s good intentions ever have any negative repercussions?
Stranger: Only that he helped perpetuate a monetary caste system in which the religious masses enthusiastically slave away endlessly for their economic masters, when ironically, the key to fulfilling their potential is to break the chains of ambiguous slavery and create a more humanitarian economy to pass down to future generations.
Pilot: But I didn’t know I was doing that.
Loki: Welllllll, in that case… I cannot decide your fate, mortal. Keep walking. At the third gate you will meet a sphinx. Speak with him.
Pilot: Thank you, sir. Good day to you, sir.
The pilot leaves.
Stranger: Who’s working gate four today?
Loki: Dirty Charlie.
Stranger: Oh, man. Dirty Charlie is going to mind fuck that guy until his eye sockets implode.
Loki: I know, right?