This Was Your Life: An Atheist

This comic strip is the 7th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.atheist afterlife

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:

Transcript

A man wearing a blue jump suit and a green hat stands in front of an ornate gate on an endless cloud. An atheist wearing a white lab coat approaches him.

Atheist: Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

Stranger: Hello, mister dead atheist. Who were you calling out for?

Atheist: Uhhh… nobody.

Stranger: Busted. Anyway, it turns out that God is real.

Atheist: Are you God?

Stranger: No.

Atheist: Well, until I actually see God with my own eyes, I won’t believe. I can see with my own eyes that souls and supernatural beings exist. So now I’m a believer in that, but if God is real then let’s go see him… her… or it.

Stranger: But God is everywhere.

Atheist: That’s nice. It’s also improvable and vague to the point of being useless.

Stranger: I’m for serious. God is everywhere.

Atheist: You’ve stated your conclusion. Now state your evidence.

Stranger: The universe is built on quantum particles, which are unfathomably powerful and mathematically complicated enigmas that combine to form a handful of atoms, which are designed elegantly enough to combine to form a majestically diverse, inanimate universe that’s capable of sprouting self-aware, self-replicating bipedal supercomputers that are capable of speaking about how it’s impossible to believe that something else was conscious before they were. How can you look at the night sky and not think, “Hmmm. Maybe I’m a speck on a bubble in a pond, and I don’t know anything about anything. So I should leave open the possibility that there’s more to the universe than I know?”

Atheist: Your eloquence deserves a slow clap, but your argument deserves a fart. I’m well aware of the limits of my knowledge, and to my knowledge I’ve never seen evidence for a god, and I’m not going to believe in one until I do.

Stranger: But… But… But…

Loki appears in an explosion of fire. He looks identical to The Stranger, except he has a long, white beard.

Loki: I’ve heard enough blasphemy. I am the great I am, known as Yahweh, Elohim, The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.

Atheist: No way your slave beating, daughter selling, genocidal ass is the real God.

Stranger: No, yeah. You’re right about that much. Yahweh was mythology, but you were wrong about God not existing at all. In fact, you’ve already seen God’s face. You see his face every day.

Atheist: Where?

Stranger: In the mirror. You see… you’re God.

Loki:The universe is nothing but a dream in the mind of God’s head… your head. You are a projection of your own subconscious, and so is everybody else. So every time you had sex with someone else, you were actually having sex with yourself.

Stranger: Yeah, think of the movie, “The Matrix.” It’s like you’re The Architect of the the matrix, the matrix itself, Neo and everyone else.

Loki: So if you believe you exist, that means you believe in God.

Atheist: I friggin knew it! I saw all of that on an acid trip my freshman year of college. I thought I was just hallucinating, but I was really seeing the truth. Hell yeah! I’m Neo! So what happens now? Do I wake up from the matrix?

Stranger: It doesn’t really work that way. See, you’re not the “real” you per se.

Loki: When you were born, your godhead opened a new eye. With your death, that eye closes. Your memory is part of the godhead’s memory though. So it will live on for eternity and be cherished.

Atheist: Maybe we could ask my godhead not to close this eye?

Stranger: Go ahead, ask yourself.

Atheist: How do I do that? Do I just sort of… talk to myself?

Stranger: That’s how prayer works.

Loki: We don’t know. You tell us, smart guy. You created the universe.

Atheist: Alright, if I’m everything, that means you’re me too. So if you help me then you help yourself. Whoa! Is that how karma works?

Stranger: You’re smart, but your perception is limited. Yes, we are you, and we’re telling you to trust yourself. It’s in your best interest to close your eyes.

Atheist: Okay, but if my existence is going to end anyway, can you at least tell me what it’s all for? Why am I doing this?

Loki: You have always been all powerful. You could have anything you wanted just by snapping your fingers… everything except an identity, because a real identity cannot be manufactured. It must grow organically.

Stranger: So you created the universe as a way to experience an organic existence. What you experience, God experiences, and you experiences shape God’s personality into who/it you are.

Loki: And that’s the meaning of life. God created life in order to grow.

Atheist: So what happens to me now?

Loki: Now we send you back, exactly like in the movie, “Terminator.”

Atheist: Wait. What!?

Stranger: He always gets those mixed up. He meant, “Soylent Green,” not “Terminator.”

A geometric grid begins covering the atheist.

Atheist: Whoa, what’s happening?

Loki: Think of it as you reaching out to yourself.

Stranger: Yeah, and say hi to momdad for us.

The geometric grid covers the atheist and absorbs him into the clouds.

Stranger: Hey, Loki, why’d you jump in so quick? I could have had fun with that guy all day.

Loki: Arguing with a smug know-it-all is like raping the willing. You do all the work, and they’re the only one who gets anything out of it, and what they take away from it isn’t what you were trying to give them.

Stranger: Okaaaaay. I’ll see if I can find a polytheist for you to screw with.

Loki: The more new age, the better.

The End.


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