This Was Your Life: Two Randoms

This comic strip is the 8th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.silly beliefs

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:

Transcript

Two astronauts suddenly find themselves walking on an endless cloud. They approach a large, ornate set of gates. Standing in front of the gates are two men wearing blue jump suits and green hats. One man has a long, white beard.

Astronaut 1: Houston, we have a problem. Houston, do you copy?

Stranger: Give it up, guys. There’s no reception down here.

Loki: You need to change service providers. I got full bars.

Astronaut 1: Ah, dang it. Looks like we’re dead.

Astronaut 2: I guess we failed the mission.

Stranger: Water under the bridge, fellas. Now that you’re here, do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?

Astronaut 1: Let’s start with the good news first.

Stranger: The mission failure wasn’t your fault. In fact, both of you did pretty much everything right in life. You pushed yourself almost to the limits of your potential and accomplished many things that made the world a better place. So kudos to you.

Astronaut 2: That’s interesting you’re congratulating both of us, because we believe in different religions. So one of us must be wrong.

Loki: That’s the bad news. Would you believe it if we told you that you’re both wrong?

Astronaut 1: But my religion has been around for centuries. It has over a billion followers. Surely’ it’s the word of God.

Astronaut 2: And my religion was founded by a modern day prophet. God spoke through him and continues to speak through our council of elders.

Stranger: *sigh*

Astronaut 2: What’s that dramatic sigh for?

Loki: For as smart as you two are, you sure believe real hard in some easily falsifiable information.

Stranger: One of you believes in a pantheon of off-the-wall gods that fit the definition of mythology exactly.

Loki: And the other believes in a prophet who was a known con artist and whose story is as flimsy as wet toilet paper.

Astronaut 1: *Gasp*

Astronaut 2: How dare you judge us!!!

Stranger: Simmer down, princess. There’s no punity or condescension in our words. It’s just a cold, simple fact that your beliefs are based more on man’s imagination than reality.

Astronaut 1: You can’t say that to us! Who do you think you are? It’s our right to believe in what we feel is true, and we’re entitled to freedom from persecution.

Astronaut 2: Yeah, the mayor of prejudiceville just called. He wants to give you the key to the city.

Loki: *sigh*

Stranger: Sure, you can have the freedom to believe in things that are obviously untrue, but your rights don’t make untrue things true.

Loki: Neither does the strength of your conviction or intensity of your moral outrage.

Astronaut 1: Well, maybe we’re not wrong. Maybe we’re all right, and each religion offers one piece of the puzzle.

Stranger: Uh, yeah. When you put together all the religions humans have created, they form a clear picture of mythology.

Astronaut 2: But as long as our beliefs aren’t hurting anyone, what does it matter if we base our lives on random, absurd fantasies?

Stranger: Because you’re wasting your invaluable time chasing fantasy-based goals. You may as well just devote your life to playing World of Warcraft.

Astronaut 2:Now that’s definitely not fair. We have church bake sales all the time to raise money for all the poor people whose prayers were never answered by God.

Stranger: If everyone who ever believed in mythology, had devoted their lives to studying the universe, asking questions and questioning their answers, humans would have eliminated poverty and colonized Mars long ago.

Loki: Instead, you spent your lives going through meaningless motions, talking to yourselves and not fulfilling your highest potential.

Stranger: And humanity can’t fulfill its potential unless every individual fulfills theirs.

Astronaut 1: I’ve had just about enough of your condescending rudeness. You’re a big fat jerk, and I feel sorry for people like you.

Loki: Yeah, you’re not being persecuted. Your righteous indignation is really just cognitive dissonance rejecting reality.

Astronaut 1: I can’t tell you how butt hurt I am right now. I think I’m going to cry.

Astronaut 2: Look what you’ve done, jerk. Is that what you wanted? Well, I hope you’re happy now.

Stranger: You’re right. I’m sorry I tried to point out that two plus two equals four when I should have just respected your right to believe that two plus two equals three, five, or whatever random number you happen to feel drawn to.

Astronaut 1: Apology accepted.

Astronaut 2: So what happens now? Do we both get to go through the pearly gates to Heaven?

Loki: Hold on, Speedy. The Cosmos demand one final test before you can enter eternal paradise.

Astronaut 1: What’s the final test?

Stranger: You two have to beat us in a staring contest.

Astronaut 1: You obviously just made that up. It’s completely random.

Stranger: No more random than anything else you believe about life and death. But unlike the rest of your beliefs, this is real.

Loki: Just so you know, my record for staring is 7 million years, but luckily for you, I’m getting impatient in my old age.

The end.


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