This Was Your Life: The Faith Healer

This comic strip is the 11th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.

Faith Healer

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:

Transcript

Loki and his friend stand in front of an opening in an endless, waist-high, white picket fence on an endless cloud. There is a hole in the fence near them for people to walk through. Loki and his friend are wearing blue jump suits and green hats. Loki has a long white beard.

Loki: So then I said to Jormungandr, “That’s what your mom said.”

Stranger: Hahahaah

A man in an orange work vest approaches the hole in the gate.

Faith Healer: Take me into the light, great spirit.

Loki: What the deuce?

Stranger: Hey, who goes there?

Faith Healer: Where am I? Are you my spirit guides?

Loki: We’ll ask the questions here. Who the hell are you, and what are you doing here?

Faith Healer: My name is Moon Child, and I passed here from the other side. I’m looking for the spirit who will guide me to the next plane of existence.

Loki: Well, we guard the pearly gates that lead to the afterlife.

Faith Healer: Uh, so where are the pearly gates?

Loki: You’re looking at them.

Stranger: Yeah, after people stopped worshiping ocean gods, the pearl started confusing people. So…

Loki: Periodically we update the gates to fit with the times.

Faith Healer: Oh, okay. Well, can I come in?

Loki: The problem with that is, you’re not even supposed to be here. So we need to figure out what happened to you first.

Stranger: How did you die?

Faith Healer: Oh, I died of an easily treatable pancreatic tumor.

Loki: Ah, that’s the source of confusion. You weren’t supposed to die for another 37 years.

Stranger: How you died is insignificant, but we need to understand why you died before we can decide where to send you.

Faith Healer: Surprisingly, none of the treatments I used cured my disease. So I just dropped dead at work.

Loki: Hmmm. That’s odd. What treatments were you using?

Faith Healer: I tried everything from homeopathy to reflexology, accupressure, reiki, shiatsu, crystal therapy, craniosacral therapy, magnetic bracelets, laying of hands, oiji boards, faith healing… the list goes on.

Loki: Well no wonder you died. All of those treatments you just mentioned are completely useless outside of the placebo effect.

Faith Healer: What!? You guys are so close minded. How dare you diss pseudo-scientific medical treatments. They absolutely work, and that’s a fact.

Stranger: Oh? If those treatments are so factually accurate, then why doesn’t the mainstream scientific community embrace them?

Faith Healer: Because the scientific community is a bunch of close-minded A-holes who are involved in a conspiracy to reject alternative medicine so they can sell more expensive drugs that don’t do anything but hurt you worse.

Loki: Oh my God! This is huge news! This changes everything!

Stranger: Quick, give us the reproducible, double-blind, peer-reviewed experiments you’re basing your conclusions on so we can show them to everyone and set the world straight.

Faith Healer: Okay. There a ton of famous gurus who agree that all of this is true, and people have been using these methods for thousands of years. So they must be true.

Stranger: I must not have made myself clear. I wasn’t asking for logical fallacies. I was asking for reliable evidence.

Faith Healer: Like I was saying, there’s tons of evidence out there that backs up the effectiveness of non-traditional and faith-based healing methods.

Loki: Such as…

Faith Healer: There’s all these books that state my preconceived conclusions as fact, and there’s people all over the world who believe in it too. So you’d be stupid to doubt it.

Loki: *sigh*

Faith Healer: Just look at all the emotionally inciting case studies alone. There was that one amputee who grew their arm back after praying to God. I heard of another lady who was cured of crippling back pains after a charismatic millionaire preacher laid hands on her. So what do you have to say about that?

Loki: The amputee thing never happened… ever.

Stranger: And the person with lower back pain was already seeing a doctor. More importantly though, she changed her lifestyle after being told she’d burn in hell if she didn’t. She just allowed her body to heal itself.

Faith Healer: You guys sound like a couple of arrogant, meat-eating atheists. You’re all, “Oooh, I want fact-based evidence. Ooooh.”

Stranger: Hold on. Now I’m really confused.

Loki: Yeah, you’re kind of acting like you don’t believe in science, which is weird.

Stranger: Because you totally do believe in science.

Loki: You believe the earth rotates around the sun. You believe in atoms. You believe in the technology that runs the internet, and you believe in the science behind poison labels.

Stranger: But when it comes to medicine and spirituality you just don’t seem to give a crap about scientific rigor.

Faith Healer: Excuse me, Judgey Micjudgerton, but what does science have to do with the afterlife?

Stranger: A lot, actually.

Loki: You see, when you’re alive your brain grows, and your personality grows with it. When you die, your personality is set for all eternity.

Stranger:If you strive to be a mature, intelligent, sane person then that’s how you get to spend eternity.

Loki: But if you never push yourself you end up spending your whole life and all eternity as an impetuous, irrational child.

Stranger: Sort of like Edward and Bella from the “Twilight” series.

Loki: Science itself is just knowledge of your environment, but scientific thinking is sane thinking.

Stranger: Which means you’re basically bat shit crazy, and now you always will be.

Loki: Not only that, but you’re also going to spend eternity with other people of the same mental caliber as you.

Stranger: Paradise and Utopia are defined by the quality of people you find there, and your ignorance would degrade the sane people’s experience.

Loki: So we’re going to have to ostracize you with the rest of your kind.

Faith Healer: Whatever. I’ve always said I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. I’d much rather spend my time with people like me instead of a bunch of stuffy elitists.

Loki: You say that because you have no frame of reference to understand what it’s like to be sane and complete. I assure you, you’re missing out bigger than you’ll ever know.

Faith Healer: Now hold it right there, mister…

Loki: Silence mortal. We’ve heard enough. Judgement has been passed.

Stranger: We will now summon your spirit guide, which will escort you to the realm of kidults. AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE!

A gremlin appears in a fiery explosion.

Gremlin: Why did you jerks call me? I’m on vacation with my family in Aruba.

Stranger: Your client showed up 37 years early.

Gremlin: Typical. Well, buddy, I’m taking you on what I like to call, “the scenic route” to the afterlife. Let’s go.

The gremlin leaves with the man.

Stranger: What a waste of potential.

Loki: Such a shame.

Stranger: So, do you know what “the scenic route” is?

Loki: That’s where you get to see what your life would have been like if you had applied yourself.

Stranger: Ouch. That’s gonna hurt.

The End.


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