This was your life: A Conservative and a Liberal

This comic strip is the 14th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.

liberal conservative

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:

Transcript: 

Two men dressed in orange jump suits are walking on an endless stretch of cloud.

Conservative: Uh oh. What’s going on?

Liberal: I think we may have strangled each other past the point of passing out.

A fiery explosion appears in front of them. The smoke clears revealing a man with a long white beard. His name is Loki, and he’s wearing a blue jumpsuit and a green hat. Standing next to him is another man wearing a blue jumpsuit, a green hat and glasses.

Loki: Halt! Who goes there?

Conservative: I’m an American conservative.

Liberal: And I’m an American liberal.

Conservative: What happens to us now that we’re dead?

Loki: Every Sunday school child knows what happens after death. You get judged.

Liberal: Sunday school? Are you saying that Yahweh is God?

Stranger: Silence, mortal! You just lost a point. It is not your place to know God’s true name or see his true face.

Liberal: Sorry, but you just said, “he.” Are you saying that God is a male?

Loki: You were told to be silent, mortal. You just lost another point.

Conservative: Yeah, shut up, idiot.

Stranger: Actually, I’m going to give him back a point and take one of yours for being rude.

Conservative: What are these points for?

Stranger: You were told to be silent. I’m taking another point.

Conservative: Nu uh. You told this guy to be quiet, not me.

Stranger: You just lost another point. Want to make it three? I can do this all day.

Conservative: *gulp*

Stranger: Now, Mr. Noisy Conservative, in three sentences or less, tell us what you stood for in life.

Conservative: I’m better than people who were born in other countries, and war is the only path to peace. Everyone should be forced to live according to modern, western, pseudo-Christian values, and if I can’t force my beliefs onto others, that means I’m persecuted. Everything bad that happens in the world is liberals’ fault, and anyone who disagrees with me in an unpatriotic traitor who doesn’t deserve to live in my country.

Loki: That’s the most cruel and selfish list of priorities I’ve ever heard. Aren’t you supposed to be a Christian?

Conservative: Exactly. Jesus was a gun-toting, xenophobic, “Atlas Shrugged” thumping sociopath, don’t you know?

Loki: You’re obviously insane. Moving on. Mr. Liberal, tell us what you stood for.

Liberal: Everyone is equal and deserves the same rights, dignities, mercy and opportunities. Laws need to be more progressive, empowering, kind and representative of the will of the masses. But my family and I come first, and there’s pretty much no principle I won’t sell out the moment it’s convenient.

Loki: You’ve got your head screwed on halfway right. I’m not too impressed with your commitment to mediocrity though.

Liberal: But I volunteered at a cat shelter once a month. I gave money to homeless people a couple of times. I bitched about homophobes and voted every year.

Stranger: Congratulations. You get the Band-Aid award for not really fixing anything.

Liberal: Will that get me into Heaven?

Loki: Team Liberal just lost two points. I ask the questions around here. Now, what other question would you like to ask us?

Liberal: What exactly does one have to do to get into Heaven?

Loki: Excellent question. Now, Team Conservative, what is your question?

Conservative: Which one of us had the best political ideology?

Loki: Another excellent question. Too bad you’re not going to listen to the answer sine it’s not what you already believe.

Stranger: The answers to both of your questions are intertwined, because whatever you bind on earth is also bound in Heaven.

Conservative: Hey, didn’t the Bible say something about that? Yeah, it came right after that part where Jesus was explaining to the twelve wise men why it’s immoral to raise the minimum wage or require businesses to follow safety regulations.

Loki: Life is so much better when you don’t talk. As I was saying before Team Conservative lost ten points, it is also written to give unto God what is God’s and give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.

Stranger: What these two passages mean is that you shape Heaven by how you shape the world, and nothing shapes the world more than politics. So your political actions shape the Heaven you experience.

Conservative: That’s a bit of a stretch, isn’t it?

Stranger: Did I mention that I work for Fox News?

Conservative: Never mind. It makes perfect sense, and I’m going to shout it at people as irrefutable fact.

Stranger: We know. We know.

Loki: So let’s talk about what kind of political leaders you voted into office.

Liberal: I voted in progressives who are trying to make the world a better place…

Conservative: By creating a welfare state!

Liberal: God damnit! You keep saying that, but nobody in the entire world is arguing for a welfare state. That’s a strawman argument you made up and won’t get off of.

Loki: Twenty five points from Team Liberal for using the lord’s name in vain, and another ten points for oppressing Team Conservative.

Liberal: Grrrrrrr.

Loki: Speaking of Team Conservative, what politicians did you vote for?

Conservative: I voted for war hawks, homophobes, xenophobes and corporate puppets who were committed to spoiling the rich at the expense of the poor.

Loki: Whatever. Were they for or against abortion?

Conservative: They were against it.

Loki: What about you, Team Liberal? Were your politicians for or against abortion?

Liberal: My politicians and I are pro-choice.

Stranger: One hundred points from Team Liberal!

Liberal: What!?

Stranger: Just kidding. One hundred points from Team Conservative.

Conservative: That’s not fair! What are these points for anyway?

Loki: They’re as meaningless as the final score of the Super Bowl.

Conservative: I love the Super Bowl!

Liberal: I love the Super Bowl too! But are you saying that you’re just screwing with us?

Stranger: Yep. Exactly.

Liberal: I’ve had about enough of this. I demand some real answers. What’s going on here? Where’s Heaven?

Stranger: Every educated adult knows what happens after you die… nothing. Life just ends, and that’s it.

Loki: There’s no afterlife, dummy.

Conservative: Then why are we walking on clouds?

Loki: Because we were bored, but no we’re getting bored of you.

Stranger: You better hope someone else takes an interest in you… not that either of you are good for much except maintaining the status quo.

Conservative: But what about all that stuff about binding Caesar in Heaven?

Loki: You only get one life. Mortality is Heaven… or Hell, depending on what you choose to make it.

Stranger: And you choose what kind of a world you live in by who you elect to political office.

Loki: You could have lived in a world where nobody suffers or hungers, and everybody spends more time on hobbies and sex than they do working. Instead, you both elected corporate puppets committed to spoiling the rich at the expense of the poor. And you spent your entire lives bickering about each other instead of addressing the real source of your real problems.

Stranger: Hope you liked the taste of the cake you baked, because it’s the only one you get.

Liberal: Is there anything we can do to redeem ourselves?

Loki: Ask and ye shall receive. Summon the redeemer.

Stranger: DAAAY OH! ME SAY DAAAYAAAAY OOOOOOH!

A fiery explosion engulfs Loki and The Stranger. When the smoke clears they’re gone, and in their place is an orange house cat the size of a bus.

Conservative: Who are you?

Dirty Charlie: I have many names. Some call me, “The Redeemer.” Others call me… “Dirty Charlie.”

Liberal: Really?

Dirty Charlie: No. Nobody calls me, “The Redeemer.” I do have two tickets to paradise though. Now take off your pants before I get bored.

The end.


Feel free to leave a comment.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: