This Was Your Life: The Conspiracy Theorist

This comic is episode 10 in an ongoing series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased. 

 conspiracy theorist

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:

Transcript: 

On an endless stretch of cloud there is an endless white picket fence. In the middle of the fence is a spot where several boards are missing, creating a passage through the fence. Standing behind the fence is a man with a long white beard. He’s wearing a blue jumpsuit and a green hat. Another man is running towards him wearing a blue jump suit, green hat and glasses.

Stranger: I’m coming. I’m coming.

Loki: Hurry up. The death day boy is here.

Stranger: Loki, you jerk. He’s way over there wandering around staring at the clouds like Whinnie the Pooh. You didn’t have to make me run.

Loki:April fools!

A man wearing a red, flame resistant suit, carrying to large jugs of water approaches.

Conspiracy Theorist: Oh, hey there.

Loki: You made it! Great job!

Stranger: Good work! Way to go!

Conspiracy Theorist: Where am I? who are you? What’s going on?

Loki: You’re dead, and these are the pearly gates. We’re angels whose sole reason for existing is to answer your questions.

Conspiracy Theorist: Have the pearly gates always been a hole in a white picket fence?

Stranger: The original fence was literally pearl, but eventually it got so hopelessly stained with blood that everyone confused it for the gates to hell. So we replaced them.

Conspiracy Theorist: Uh, why was the entrance to Heaven covered in blood?

Stranger: Haven’t you read the Torah? God used to be a blood-snorting, murderous psychopath, but don’t worry. God sacrificed himself to himself so he could snort his own blood. Now God is love, and everything is kittens and rainbows up here.

Conspiracy Theorist: That story sounds a bit suspicious.

Loki: Says the conspiracy theorist with 3 locks on your door, a wall covered in newspaper clippings, 2 bug out bags and a ham radio. Which raises the point, Mr. Doomsday Prepper, you’re not going to need those cans of water anymore, not that they helped you in the first place.

Conspiracy Theorist: I’ll just hold onto these anyway. Thanks. Now how about some of those answers you promised?

Stranger: Of course. That’s what we’re here for. What do you want to know?

Conspiracy Theorist: Was I right about every conspiracy theory I believed in?

Stranger: Sorry about that, buddy. It turns out most of what you believed in was only half true at best.

Loki: But it’s not important how well you did. What’s important is that you showed up and tried your best.

Stranger: Everyone gets a trophy in the afterlife… metaphorically speaking. And absolutely no one’s soul gets tortured and sacrificed… in that order or visa/versa.

Conspiracy Theorist: Uh, that’s nice, but I’m so confused. What conspiracy theories did I believe in that aren’t true? What about Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, aliens, elvis, Billy the Kid, ghosts, the Latter Day Saints, the Shroud of Turin or the non-decomposed body of the dead saint they have on display in a glass case at The Vatican?

Stranger: Well, aliens are real, and so are U.F.O.s, but aliens have never been to Earth, and U.F.O.s are just experimental government technology built by humans with your tax dollars that you’re not supposed to know about.

Loki: Everything else you mentioned were hoaxes invented by human sociopaths to profit off the gullible.

Conspiracy Theorist: You’re so closed minded. Where’s your sense of wonder and curiosity.

Stranger:  Reality is wonderful and curious enough without having to make up bullshit.

Conspiracy Theorist: What about the Kennedy assassination, 9/11, Benghazi, Area 51, the secret moon base, the N.S.A. and Men in Black?

Loki: We could spend decades telling you real stories about the United States government that are crazier than any of the misinformed, short-sighted speculations you believe in.

Conspiracy Theorist: I think you’re lying to me. There’s something else going on here, isn’t there? You’re hiding the truth!

Loki: *sigh*

Stranger: Okay, you’re right. We are hiding the truth, but it’s only because we wanted to protect you.

Conspiracy Theorist: Protect me from what?

Loki: Yourself, obviously. You can’t handle the truth. Hearing it will only trigger your cognitive dissonance, causing you to reject the truth and hold onto your delusions even stronger. The whole process will just be painful and pointless.

Conspiracy Theorist: I don’t believe you, but I’m not sure what to believe.

Stranger: Like he was saying, your mind is too small to comprehend the truth even if you were willing. You were born lost and destined to stay that way.

Conspiracy Theorist: So what you’re trying to say to me is…

Loki: … that you’re basically retarded.

Conspiracy Theorist: And how does that affect my afterlife?

Stranger: You’re not much good to yourself, let alone the spiritual realm. So we’re just going to have to take you out behind the barn and put you down… metaphorically speaking.

Conspiracy Theorist: What!? That’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard! What do you monsters do to actual retarded people?

Loki: They’re actually the only sane people on Earth. They’re so much smarter than you that their genius seems unintelligible. That’s how they trick you into catering to their every need while they get on with the real work humanity was created for.

Conspiracy Theorist: That’s the most ridiculous, outrageous thing I’ve ever heard.

Stranger: Says the guy with a tinfoil hat at home.

Conspiracy Theorist: This can’t be true. I demand proof!

Stranger: Ha ha ha ha.

Loki: Oh, now you want proof? Why not just blindly accept the first explanation a self-proclaimed authority figure tells you?

Conspiracy Theorist: That’s not how you arrive at truth.

Stranger: Ha ha ha ha. Stop it. You’re killing me.

Loki: Everyone’s a hypocrite when it’s convenient.

Conspiracy Theorist: So I’m just going to get put down like a dog, and that’s it? There’s no compensation, no justice, no meaning to my existence? I was just damned to be a failure since before I was born?

Loki: Are the lives of the plants that lived and died to feed you worthless and meaningless just because they never achieved enlightenment, became one with everything and lived forever?

Conspiracy Theorist: Well, sort of.

Stranger: Well, you’re wrong, and actually, your sacrifice will be compensated, justified and meaningful.

Conspiracy Theorist: What do you mean, “sacrifice?”

Stranger: Uh… I mean, uh… your metaphorical sacrifice. Ha ha.

Loki: Uh… yeah… you know him, always speaking in metaphors. What a mystic, that guy.

Conspiracy Theorist: I actually don’t know or trust either of you. Can I speak to someone else?

Loki: Sure. Didn’t we tell you? We’re angels whose sole reason for existing is to summon the spirit guide who will escort you to the halls of feasting, where you can eat as much as you want and never get full.

Stranger: And you can get as fat as you want, and there will always be an endless supply of fresh, nubile virgins desperate to please you.

A short demon with pointy ears appears in the whole in the fence. He’s holding a string with an assortment of multi-colored balloons attached to it.

Demon: Who’s a big death day boy? You are. You’re a big boy. Does the big death day boy want a pretty balloon? Well? Don’t you want your balloon? Don’t you want it? Don’t you want it?

Conspiracy Theorist: NO!

The demon lets go of the balloons, and they start to float away.

Demon: Oh no! Your balloons are flying away!

Loki: Look up at your pretty balloons flying away.

Stranger: Look up at the sky.

A huge dragon head comes out of the clouds from behind the conspiracy theorist and eats him leaving blood streaks all over fence.

Loki: Well, that was fun. Now hurry up and get all this blood cleaned up before the next client arrives.

Demon: Sorry. I’m actually on vacation with my family in Aruba right now, and I gotta get back.

Loki: That’s interesting, because I happen to know for a fact that you don’t have a family.

Demon: Damn it.

Loki: I’ll tell you what though. I’ll make you a bet, and if you win…

Demon: I’ll clean the fence. I’d rather die than lose another bet to you, Loki.

The End.


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