This was your life: The Racist

This comic strip is the 12th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.

 racist

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:

Transcript: 

On an endless stretch of cloud there is an endless white picket fence. In the middle of the fence is a spot where several boards are missing, creating a passage through the fence. Standing in the break in the fence stands a short demon with pointy ears who is covered in blood. There is also blood splattered all over the fence around him. Behind the fence is a man with a long white beard. He’s wearing a blue jumpsuit and a green hat. Standing next to him is another man wearing a blue jump suit, green hat and glasses.  A man wearing an astronaut uniform approaches them.

Racist: Excuse me. I think I might be… whoa! There’s a lot of blood on this fence.

Loki: Don’t mind that. It’s nothing.

Racist: What about the demon covered in blood? Should I be worried about that.?

Stranger: He’s not a problem as long as you don’t make any sudden movements or cross this fence.

Racist: I think I might have just died along with two of my other crew mates.

Loki: Yep. All of that just happened.

Racist: Can you tell me what happened to my other crew mates?

Stranger: They’re both suffering an eternity of needless agony at the hands of a loving god because they failed the test.

Racist: *Gasp* What test?

Loki: If the weight of your sins are too heavy, you will fall through the clouds and down into The Great Darkness, and you will never see the paradise behind this fence.

Racist: Oh, no! Please tell me masturbating isn’t a sin.

Loki: There are only three sins.

Stranger: The first and greatest sin is believing in mythology.

Racist: Wait. What?

Loki: You obviously can’t get into Heaven unless you believe in the right god, and every religion is mythology. So if you believe in religion, you get that wrong.

Racist: Well, I never really believed in religion.

Stranger: Then when we run your credit score you should be fine there.

Racist: Okaaay. So what are the other two sins?

Loki: The second sin is not having children.

Racist: Seriously?

Stranger: Serious as a heart attack.

Loki: The meaning of life is to create more life. It defeats the purpose of living if you don’t have kids. When you get horny, that’s The Holy Spirit speaking God’s will to you, and woe unto those who hear but do not listen.

Racist: So everyone who didn’t have kids is suffering for all eternity?

Loki: Ass well they should be. Not reproducing is morally equivalent to murdering every possible descendant who would have existed had you done your biological duty. The consequences of such a failure are potentially infinite, and so must be the punishment.

Racist: What about people who can’t have kids?

Stranger: Yep. They go into the pit too.

Racist: But that’s not fair.

Loki: Yeah, well, life’s not fair.

Stranger: God works in mysterious ways, don’t you know?

Demon: And nobody asked you.

Racist: I had kids, but they died tragically before they reproduced. So where does that leave me?

Stranger: Hey, you did your part. The buck falls on your kids, and therefore they’re never going to stop being tortured.

Racist: I think I’m going to be sick.

Loki: And the third sin is racism.

Racist: … You mean like…

Stranger: Like good old fashioned, skin-hating racism.

Racist: Why is racism on the list, but killing isn’t?

Loki: There are times when killing is justified, like self-defense or when another ethnic group is living on the land promised to your ethnic group by God. And you know, everybody was born with different intelligence levels and different life experiences. Most serial killers had lives so shockingly horrible that they practically didn’t have a choice in what they became.

Racist: Are you saying it’s okay to be a serial killer?

Stranger: All we’re saying is that you have to take everything into account.

Racist: This moral test is absurd to the point of being unbelievable.

Demon: Hey, look who thinks he’s smarter than God.

Loki: Even if life came with an instruction book, your puny mind couldn’t comprehend the true and total cosmic basis of morality.

Stranger: So in God’s infinite wisdom and compassion, he dumbed down the rules to three simple things he figured you couldn’t get wrong.

Racist: But you just said that God tortures people forever if they can’t have kids, and it’s okay to kill other ethnic groups for living in the wrong place.

Stranger: So? What’s your point?

Racist: Those rules aren’t wise or compassionate, and ethnic cleansing is specifically racist, which makes God and astounding hypocrite.

Stranger: None of this is contradictory or hypocritical at all. It’s just mysterious.

Racist: Maybe I’m missing something here. Explain to me how what you’re saying isn’t completely nuts.

Stranger: No. You just have to have faith.

Demon: You do have faith in God, don’t you? Go ahead. Say you don’t. Make my day.

Racist: Uuuuuuf course I have faith in God. I just wish I understood why a racist god is against racism.

Loki: Life is war, and moral accountability gets blurred in the fog of war, but the simplest, most obvious moral truth in the universe is that racism is stupid. If you can’t figure that out then you’re defective, and you gotta go.

Stranger: Same goes for any ethnic group that stands in the way of God’s people building God’s brick and mortar house on Earth.

Racist: I still don’t get it.

Loki: Nobody expected you to. Now would the blood soaked demon please run this gentleman’s credit history report?

Demon: It shall be done. Beep beep boop beep boop boop bop. It is finished.

Loki: And what does the report say?

Demon: It says we got ourselves a big ole’ fat racist over here. There’s no point denying it. The all seeing eye knows how damn racist you are.

Racist: But I support Israel’s genocidal campaign against the Palestinians. So I’m on God’s side.

Loki: God never said anyone could kill anyone else and take their land, dummy.

Stranger: Now let’s talk about how racist you are against illegal immigrants with darker skin than you, which ironically, there aren’t very many of.

Racist But they’re taking our jobs!

Stranger: I’m confused as to why you get mad when human beings move from one place to another place an then beat other human beings in job interviews.

Loki: Do you get mad at people who move from one state to another? Do you want to scream at absolutely everyone who turns in a job application at the same place as you?

Stranger: Immigrants don’t deserve the chance to compete with me. I can’t even begin to list all the rights and opportunities that should be available to me and nobody else.

Loki: So you’re saying that human beings don’t deserve the same rights and opportunities as human beings? Real classy. That’s the definition of oppression.

Demon: How do you not see how illogical your worldview is?

Racist: You’re all hypocrites. I mean, let’s be honest. Stereotypes exist for a reason, and there are some neighborhoods you wouldn’t want to raise your kids in.

Stranger: You can make anyone dangerous by trapping them in a hopeless, desperate environment, but that’s got nothing to do with skin color. You do realize why people have different color skin, don’t you?

Racist: Yes. Er, maybe. Why?

Stranger: Skin color is caused by pigmented cells produced by your body to protect itself from the sun.

Racist: Duh, I knew that.

Loki: And how did you figure that has any correlation with behavior?

Racist: Our brains are different too.

Loki: You mean the cosmic super computer in your head that magically assembled itself out of inanimate vibrating energy?

Racist: Yes…. That.

Loki: You think you got a better one than everyone else, and that gives you the right to be mean to other people and deny them the same basic dignities you take for granted?

Racist: Ummmm. Yes?

Loki: Why the hell would an infinitely wise and loving God create His children in a tiered ranking caste system based on any criteria, let alone one as meaningless as skin color?

Stranger: I think you’re friggin hopeless, and Heaven is too good for you.

Demon: You’re a huge disappointment to your mother and I.

Racist: Please don’t drop me through the clouds into The Great Darkness. I apologize for being so damn racist. I’ll never do it again. I love everyone.

Loki: Oh, well in that case, you’re forgiven.

Racist: Really?

Demon: Haven’t you been listening to anything these guys have been saying? God is logical and merciful.

Loki: Yeah. Everyone deserves a second chance, and God doesn’t want to have to torture you for all eternity. He only does it when you don’t leave him any other choice.

Racist: God still seems like a bit of a hypocrite, but who am I to question God, right? Sooo, which way is Heaven?

Demon: Pass through the fecne and keep walking towards the clouds. In time you will meet a sphinx. Speak with it.

Racist: You’re not going to eat me if I pass through the fence?

Demon: What!? Just because of the way I look, you think I go around eating people? Are you being racist again?

Racist: Well, you are covered in blood.

Demon: I’m the janitor. I was cleaning this mess up before you showed up and started walking everywhere I just mopped.

Racist: I didn’t think your kind could be janitors.

Demon: Oh, my kind, huh? And my kind isn’t good enough to be janitors, huh?

Racist: Can I just go now?

Demon: I think you should.

500 years later the racist is still wandering among endless clouds.

Racist: Where the hell is that damn sphinx?

500 more years later the racist finds a house cat who is the size of a bus.

Racist: Oh my God! Are you the sphinx? Can you help me? I’ve been so alone for so long.

Sphinx: * sniff * sniff * Do you smell that?

Racist: No. What?

Sphinx: Something around here smells awfully racist.

The End.


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