Category Archives: Deep thoughts by The Wise Sloth

Tweets by The Wise Sloth: Feb 2017-April 2017

  • My entire life I haven’t been waiting to see what problem my president solves next, I’ve been waiting to see what problem he creates next.
  • Watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles growing up, it always confused me that the smartest member of the team wasn’t the leader.
  • Bruce Wayne should have hired 10,000 mercenaries and a wise council to fight evil instead of spending millions on a one-man vigilante fetish
  • “Teaching kids that the Earth is 6k years old is like teaching them that the distance across the United States is 17 feet.” Lawrence Krauss (paraphrased)
  • The more you tell yourself the world is on your shoulders, the more it will feel like it.
  • It might save the world if everyone criticizes three things about their group every time they criticize one thing about another group.
  • If your plan to fight poverty involves making the rich, richer, you don’t understand economics.
  • Moderate Americans and Muslims should strategize to redouble their efforts to educate their extreme members instead of passively enabling them
  • It baffles me how people absorb news and wisdom from around the world on phones, then use the same apps to say technology is tearing us apart.
  • You can tell the size of someone’s weed habit by the size of their grinder.

  • Just once I’d like to hear an American president tell all Americans to not act like victims and throw tantrums when their flaws are exposed.
  • The road to bankruptcy and debt is paved with “opportunities of a lifetime.”
  • America’s education system is so broken, it would be better to go 100% digital and close all brick and mortar schools.
  • The more rules you have to follow that stress you out, the more likely your soldiers and/or politicians must be failing at their job.
  • The more often and intensely you’re afraid of accidentally or unintentionally breaking the law, the more likely you live in a police state.
  • It baffles me that in 2017 there are still people who believe politicians care about what people who haven’t given them money think.
  • If you believe your bank cares about you, you’re wildly mistaken. Their job isn’t to help you get money. Their job is to take your money.
  • We need yard work appreciation day, where he who does all the yard work relaxes while his family experiences his pain for one day each year.
  • Most self-help, motivation and leadership books either teach how to be a more enthusiastic slave or slaver.
  • I want an app that calculates the shortest path and with the least amount of turns to mow your lawn.
  • “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. It’s your convictions that make you vulnerable to lies.”
  • “If the same kind of thing keeps happening to you over and over, it’s probably not other people or random chance.”

  • I love how freedom of religion prevents oppression but hate how much it’s used to justify oppressing those who want to be free from religion
  • I bet most people in North Korea don’t put any stock in the book, “The Secret.”
  • “The most dangerous lie is the one closest to the truth.”
  • If the Easter Bunny were a unicorn, we wouldn’t celebrate Easter, because it would force us to confront the fact that we celebrate mythology
  • You’d think humans would have learned by now, when a politician asks for more power, it’s for their benefit, at your expense.
  • Either all your exes are jerks or nobody wants to stay with a spoiled brat who throws hate-tantrums every time you don’t get what you want.
  • Radical SJWs and feminists need to embrace Abraham Lincoln’s words, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
  • Americans need licenses to do anything but go to church. As long as that line isn’t crossed, we accept having to apply/pay for our freedoms.
  • I wish Americans were as concerned with the freedom to buy medicine without a prescription as they are about freedom of religion.
  • It would solve so many problems later in life if schools taught children how to take a hint.
  • “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.”David Brinkley
  • “People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” Unknown
  • The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them.” Jim Henson
  • The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work.” Harry Golden
  • Just once I’d like to hear America’s celebrity doctors say America’s health care system could be fixed by doctors boycotting insurance.

  • You cross a line and do something to your soul when you wear sweat pants to a strip club.
  • You can’t pretend you’re not old anymore after you start meeting kids who are too young to remember the things that defined your childhood.
  • The more you find yourself telling people to give your hero a second chance, the more likely you should give your hero a second look.
  • The more passionately you support any American politician, the more you should doubt your objectivity and double check you’re not wrong.
  • Americans have proven they can’t protest without rioting. It’s about time they try something different.
  • There tends to be an inverse correlation between the amount of time you spend complaining and the amount of time you spend doing something.
  • Just because someone says something you disagree with, that doesn’t mean they’re against you. They may just be for facts, and you’re wrong.
  • “The real problem of humanity … we have Palaeolithic emotions; medieval institutions; and godlike technology.”
  • I wish humanity was as passionate about devoting resources to emigrating off Earth as we are stopping people from immigrating around Earth.
  • “We will not believe more than we know, and we will not live higher than our beliefs.”
  • When Christians say they don’t know or believe the Bible unambiguously approves of slavery, I assume they’re totally Biblically illiterate.
  • It’s baffling how many parents give their children religious books they’ve never read as their primary instruction book on life.
  • It’s baffling how few parents have written instruction books for life to give to their children.
  • Every time you watch a TV commercial, you get dumber.
  • If you still trust American news stations after the 2016 POTUS election, your standards of journalistic ethics are catastrophically low.
  • Wisdom is too important to wait for it to fall into your lap. Not constantly seeking/collecting it is how you stay an idiot your whole life.
  • If you can’t make yourself happy, you will inevitably make your lover miserable.
  • There are two types of rules: 1. Time-tested best practices for accomplishing a goal 2. Bullshit someone made up to control others

  • The longer you complain about being a victim, but have no plan to fix anything, the more likely you just have a delusional victim complex.
  • Give Trump a chance, they said. Every chance he’s had, he proved his worst critics right. How many more chances does he get?
  • America would be a very different place if Trump’s supporters were as critical of him as they were of Obama.
  • Trump bombed Syria for using WMDs. Then he uses a MOAB in Afghanistan, which has never been used because it fits the criteria of a WMD.
  • The quickest way to piss off someone in a cult is to tell them they’re in a cult.
  • Schools should have classes that teach you how/why not to throw tantrums when you don’t get what you want.
  • The easiest way to distract Americans is to make a controversial, heart-wrenching human interest story go viral.
  • A guy getting kicked off an overbooked flight is not the most important thing happening today and not what everyone should be talking about.
  • Aliens would be baffled by how much comedy humans watch on TV while our world is dying from wars, corruption, atrocities, oppression and waste

  • Proving to people you’re right all the time is more likely a symptom of your insecurity and shortsightedness than strength and genius.
  • Politicians and soldiers should be as concerned about protecting us from insurance companies as they are about protecting us from terrorists
  • If politicians could be dishonorably discharged for negligence, bad conduct and crime, all of America’s congress would qualify for one.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician advocate setting limits to how many laws a politician can break before being dishonorably discharged
  • “The price of originality is criticism. The value of originality is priceless.”
  • American culture teaches children to question how things have always been done almost as much as it teaches them traditions are sacrosanct.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician talk about the need for grocery store reform because the system we got is creating obesity and poverty
  • Masculinity is toxic, said no feminist to their mechanics, plumbers, or soldiers ever.
  • Congressmen/women, who are picked by voters in single states, get to decide laws that affect every other state. Totally defeats the purpose.
  • At least once in my life, I’d like to hear a politician say voters should have the ability to veto politicians out of office by popular vote.
  • The reason cheerleaders exist is to cover up the fact that sports are boring.
  • If massage therapists have to do continuing education to keep their job, so should Congress.
  • My high school history teacher once told my class America was founded by criminals, slaves and religious freaks. It seems nothing has changed.
  • Growing experiences tend to come with growing pains. Accept it. Embrace it. Get on with it.

  • When a woman complains to you about a problem, don’t offer solutions and rationalizations. Just actively listen. All you have to do is wait.
  • Writers have two choices: 1. Write about the most important topics they can. 2. Write things that distract people from more important topics
  • The angrier the poor get at the rich, the more the media tells them to be angry at another group of people.
  • If you believe there’s a liberal conspiracy to destroy America, the problem is you believe anything any fear-peddling shock jock sells you.
  • Knowledge is knowing the right answers. Wisdom is asking the right questions.
  • Rod Serling’s monologs in “The Twilight Zone” tend to make as much sense as The Ultimate Warrior’s monologs in the WWF.

  • Your job is more of an opportunity for your employer than for you.
  • Women, you can’t make your boyfriend or husband better by bitching at him. You can only do that by loving, supporting and building him up.
  • Anyone pissed about white privilege would have their jealousy cured by spending a week living with me in my trailer by the train tracks.
  • The more times you’ve justified beating someone smaller than you, the more likely you’re a god damn ass hole.
  • The more attention you pay to sports, the less important things you learn or act on.
  • Neither God or our ancestors would be proud of how our economy is designed to fuck people harder, the poorer they are.
  • No matter where you live, if you’re proud of being in the majority, you’re probably proud of being a gullible, surface-thinking idiot.
  • If there are an infinite number of universes, then there’s a universe out there somewhere where each of us have had sex with Bill Nye.
  • Some people are confident in social situations because they practice success. Other people are confident because they just don’t give a fuck
  • If you’re hyperactive and can’t stay still, and you don’t have a hobby, you’re leaving money and meaning on the table.
  • If Putin helped Trump win the election, it was probably more to help America fail than to help Trump succeed.
  • I wish the Republican Party would stop putting on pretenses and just change their name to the Fox News Party.
  • When someone asks for forgiveness for something they’re not really sorry for, they’re really asking for permission.
  • Trump could improve his approval rating quicker and easier by solving a few simple real problems than by grandstanding and sideshowing.

 

  • Today’s excuses become tomorrow’s regrets.
  • How do you create 1 rich person? By creating 10 poor people.
  • I wonder how many homes and gardens could have been built with the money America has spent spying on its citizens.
  • As long as there are for-profit prisons, ticket quotas and a war on drugs, there are no good cops, only accomplices to crime at best.
  • If you contradict everything I say, I’m going to give up trying to talk to you.
  • Despite what their advertisements and website say, anyone who would charge you 30% interest is not your friend.
  • If we protect people from hunger as zealously as we protect them from having their feelings hurt, we’d all love life and probably each other.
  • Elton John’s music would have been more interesting if he was goth.
  • We promote and incentivize women getting in STEM fields for equality, but where’s the push for gender equality in all the most deadly jobs?
  • Luckily, in America, the First Amendment allows you to speak freely about all your other rights the RNC and DNC are constantly taking away.
  • Every month hundreds of millions of Americans celebrate their freedom by living paycheck to paycheck.
  • Life according to conservativism: Blindly defending Democrats = sheep. Blindly defending Republicans = patriot. Not defending either = slacker
  • Just once I wish someone watching reality TV would drop their head in their hands and mumble, “Fuck. I’m what’s wrong with this world.”

  • Every year Americans celebrate their freedom by paying hundreds of dollars to renew their professional licenses that arbitrarily expired.
  • It’s ironic when Muslims say Islam is a religion of peace, since Muslim extremists have killed more Muslims than non-Muslims by magnitudes.
  • The dumber the individual, the dumber the whole. We all have a personal and civic responsibility to not be stupid.
  • The more emotional a news host is, the more likely they’re a shock jock.
  • American presidents are as synonymous with dishonesty as American military recruiters are.
  • Whatever your favorite radio DJ personalities are most excited about, you should not be.
  • For some reason, people hate it when you wear black shoes with a brown belt or visa/versa. It doesn’t make any sense, but be prepared for it
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more male you are, the better life is.”
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more white you are, the better life is.”
  • The angrier and more frightened watching the news makes you, the less likely you’re watching real journalistic new reporting.
  • If your plan to make the world better is to kill, incarcerate or deport all the bad guys, you’re probably one of the bad guys.

 


Wisdom is asking the most important questions, and it’s a moral imperative.

Knowledge is having the right answer to a question. Wisdom is figuring out the right answer to the right question. The more you know, the wiser you can become, but until you use a piece of knowledge in a question, it’s just inert information in a data set waiting to be queried. You have to ask yourself questions and use the knowledge in your brain as the variables in the equations in order for your knowledge to serve a purpose.

The more important the question, the more valuable it, and the knowledge required to answer it, becomes, but tallying the sum total of your knowledge is futile. The only thing that really matters is you came up with the best answer to the best question to have the most positive affect on your life. If you’re doing that, then you’re moving forward in life and shouldn’t have time to rest on your laurels anyway.

You can appear wise if you happen to know the right answer to a lot of random questions, but if the question is unimportant, then the only people who would praise you for mastering futility are fools. That’s not the definition of genius. That’s the definition of insanity.

Nobody will ever ask you all the most important questions in life. You’re the only one who can do that for you. If you don’t make a habit out of asking yourself, “What is the most important question I can ask?” then you’re a ship lost at sea, not because you can’t sail, but because you don’t.

Wise people appear to be two steps ahead of everyone else because they’ve already asked themselves the most important questions before they came up, and they’re focused and driven because it doesn’t take external motivation to do what’s most important to you. Far from needing a push, you’ll make excuses to justify doing what’s really most important to you. It takes motivation to act against your beliefs. That’s why there are so many backsliding religious people. Religion is hard to do because it requires a lot of cognitive dissonance to believe in something that fails the test of truth.

Since thinkers have already taken it upon themselves to thoroughly question what’s logically most important in life, they’re more likely to be working towards a logical end goal. People who don’t make a habit of asking themselves, “What’s most important in life?” are unlikely to be toiling towards or defending a logical goal. That’s ultimately how you measure the difference between wisdom and foolishness: by the value of the end goal. You can accomplish everything you set out to by being clever as a fox, but if your goals are unimportant, then you’re just the world’s sharpest fool.

So ask yourself, “What’s the most important question I can ask?” Think about that for the rest of your life. While you’re doing it, bear in mind, the only way to answer a question is to ask more questions, and the more skilled you are at asking questions, the better answers you can deduce. So initially, the most important question you can ask yourself is, “How do you ask a question?” Like most questions, there are a lot of answers, and some are more useful than others. If you need a place to start, I wrote a guide which offers one perspective, and there are thousands more  on Amazon.

As you question your way to enlightenment, you’d be wise to question your answers. Our brains trip us up with schemas, biases, logical fallacies, and all sorts of other reasons to be irrational. To make enlightenment more difficult, many of life’s questions have multiple right answers. Some questions have answers that can’t be proven, but have to be asked anyway. And the most important question you can ask right now may not be the same as anyone else. Plus, no matter how much we learn about life, our understanding will always be at least 99.9% incomplete.

We’re all on lost on our own seemingly futile journey customized to our own life, but we’re also all in the same boat. We’re studying the same data set and sharing the stakes. So a lot of our goals/questions will line up. Sometimes corroborating your answers with someone else is proof you’re on the right track. Other times it’s a sign we’re all making the same mistake.

One thing most of us can agree on is, if a lion is charging at you, then the most important question you can ask yourself is, “How do I not get eaten by this lion?” because if you die, then you’re out of the game. So to the extent that life is valuable, it’s important for you to ask yourself, “Am I about to die?” If the answer is “yes,” then the next most important question you can ask is, “How can I prevent that?” If the answer to the first question was “no,” then the next question you need to ask is, “Are other people about to die, and if so, how can I prevent that without getting myself killed in the process?”

You may be a murderous psychopath who views other humans as soulless piles of atoms, or you may be a sociopath who measures the value of others by how you can use them to get what you want. You may be a religious zealot who measures the value of other people by how many of your favorite prophet’s rules they break, or you may be an abused, broken child in an adult’s body, who hates the world for everything it’s done to you. No matter what you think of anyone else, the bigger picture is that we’re all in this together. It takes a collaborative effort to advance humanity. The more people die, the fewer allies we have to accomplish mankind’s long-term goals. We can’t survive, let alone colonize new planets with utopian village theme parks if we don’t work together, but first we have to save each other.

We all need to survive, and right now the sky is looming with apocalyptic threats so obvious you can’t take your eyes off them. The answer to the question, “Is something coming to kill us?” is “Yes.”

I’ll save you some time decoding the matrix of cluster fucks that are strangling the world. The lynchpin of the world’s problems is poverty. Understand that and everything else will fall into perspective. Fix it, and all its satellite problems will fall away.

But what happens after we fix all the world’s problems and establish utopian settlements on Mars? What’s the next most important question we should ask ourselves then? We’ll see when we get there, but one question we should be prepared to ask is, “What’s the greatest threat to the perfect world?”

It would be logical to prepare ahead of time for an asteroid or futuristic Hitler, but the root of all evil is ignorance. If you build a perfect city and fill it with fools, the first thing they’d do is tear it all down with sincerely good intentions. We’ll never live in anything resembling utopia until everyone is wise. That doesn’t mean we all agree on the same answers, just that we’re all talented, self-driven question-askers who are asking ourselves the most important questions.

Before we become wise enough to live in utopia though, we have become wise enough to create it. Plus, if we all became as genius as possible, we wouldn’t even need to solve half the world’s problems, because we’d be smart enough to not do those stupid things in the first place. This means, the most important thing we can do to create and protect utopia is to learn new things and ask new questions today. The better learning resources we have, the faster and further we can improve ourselves.

This means it’s of paramount importance everyone do something to improve education. There are some free online schools, that could use donations, but every nation in the world should be putting money in a single fund to create one online school with the budget of a small country. If your politician isn’t talking about something like that, you should tell them to start or replace them with someone who does.

With or without the perfect education tool, it’s still up to the individual to decide to teach themselves by any means necessary. It’s a moral imperative everyone asks themselves every day, “What’s the most important thing I can teach myself today?” because you won’t grow until you do, and when you don’t grow, the world doesn’t either. The less you grow, the more the world is full of idiots.

scumbag us

It’s worth speculating what would you do if you became an uberman and all the world’s problems were solved. What’s the most important question you can ask when there’s no threat to distract you… or when death is unavoidable? You’re here, and you’re going to die eventually. There’s more to life than just surviving and preparing. If you only live for tomorrow, you put off living indefinitely. There’s value in the moment, and there’s value to who you are independent from what you can do for society.

Whoever you become is who you have to live with. Who you are is how you experience reality right now, and for the rest of the fleeting moments in your life regardless of anything going on anywhere outside your skin. There’s no point training to be the perfect problem solver, student, worker, artist, citizen or parent if you’re not becoming the perfect you. I could be wrong, but sooner or later, the most important question you can ask yourself may be, “How do I become more me?”

What do you do after that? Well, if you can be your favorite you in the present moment, then afterwards, you’ll have the perfect past to look back on.

Everything I’ve said up to this point may feel more like a guilt trip than an inspirational speech. Nobody can just jump up, become an ubermensch and build an intergalactic empire, but I’m not begging or demanding you to carry a burden. I’m pointing out what an opportunity life is. Every question you ask is a step forward, and the more steps you take, the farther you get. Climbing that mountain yields at least three rewards: the experience of the journey, getting to see above the clouds and being able to say you did it. That’s life, and it doesn’t happen on accident.`

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Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #25

Apparently that's all going on in the world right now.

Apparently that’s all going on in the world right now.

Ask and you shall recieve. If you dont', leave.

Ask and you shall receive. If you dont’, leave.

Because you're so self absorbed

Because you’re so self absorbed

Didn't mention the misery of the poor though.

Didn’t mention the misery of the poor though.

Don't kid yourself.

Don’t kid yourself.

Every time. Every. Time.

Every time. Every. Time.

I'm going to have those words stuck in my head.

I’m going to have those words stuck in my head.

I don't even know why we still watch those

I don’t even know why we still watch those

Let's see what they say next time.

Let’s see what they say next time.

Luckily that's legal.

Luckily that’s legal.

No mention of what happened to journalistic integrity though

No mention of what happened to journalistic integrity though

Now I want to buy stuff I don't need.

Now I want to buy stuff I don’t need.

Sales are just softer gouging anyway.

Sales are just softer gouging anyway.

See a therapist.

See a therapist.

Setting the tone for the day.

Setting the tone for the day

That's what we're teaching our children.

That’s what we’re teaching our children.

That's why we voted for them, right

That’s why we voted for them, right

There's no escaping the bla blas.

There’s no escaping the bla blas.

We have a responsibility to lie to children, don't we?

We have a responsibility to lie to children, don’t we?

Here's looking at you, Reddit.

Here’s looking at you, Reddit.

How to make your own deep thoughts memes

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Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #24

Script:

Deep Thought #1

What did that one news anchor say?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #2

Wish your significant other knew how to please you sexually?

You wouldn’t have to wish if you just told them what you wanted.

Deep Thought #3

If you think the people you’ve hurt in the past should just forgive you and get over it…

You’ll probably never stop being an asshole.

Deep Thought #4

What did that one sports announcer say?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #5

There’s such thing as functioning alcoholics.

…but not fully functioning alcoholics.

Deep Thought #6

What did they say in that one political press release?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #7

Ridiculing people you perceive as dumber than you doesn’t prove you’re smart.

…just petty.

Deep Thought #8

What were the words to that one pop song?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #9

What did they say in that one presidential debate?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #10

What did they say on that one television show?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #11

Look! There’s a sale at that fast food restaurant!

Come on, everybody! Poison is on sale!

Deep Thought #12

What did that one newspaper say?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #13

What were the words to that one commercial?

They were, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #14

Every dollar a company spends advertising their low prices and good intentions…

was earned by overcharging or underpaying someone.

Deep Thought #15

You’re not winning if you successfully guilt trip your lover into changing their behavior by whining and acting hurt.

You’re a parasite.

Deep Thought #16

What did that one morning radio DJ say?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #17

What did they say in that one movie?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #18

What did that one leader of the country say?

They said, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #19

What were the words to that one billboard?

They were, “Bla bla bla bla.”

Deep Thought #20

Let’s make all adults on children’s shows act like goofy, neutered youth pastors.

That way kids will grow up with completely incorrect assumptions about adults and adulthood. 🙂


Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #24

 

 

...who hates yourself.

and as expensive as possible

and don't expect any compensation  for demeaning yourself

but at least you'll be oblivious to your oppression

But if you ever dreamed of complicity in blowing up brown people....

 

 

Call it Freedom Terrorism

It will help you move mountains.

Jesus, now that I've found you, how much of my income do you want

Let's make it a day of mourning

like poverty

Luckily, no politicians will stop businesses from selling it to you.

Men don't have one either.

otherwise you're fucked.

point your finger at yourself

Thanks. Now go die.

What does that make me?

that's why I don't lose sleep over your hunger and fear

that's worth paying $20 for an album

Which makes it even more important than celebrity gossip.

How to make your own deep thoughts memes

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Transcript:

Deep Thought # 1

Bullying other people doesn’t prove you’re a bad ass.

It proves you’re a dumb ass.

Deep Thought # 2

Our goal at this college is to help you succeed.

…and to make registration as complicated as possible.

Deep Thought # 3

Be yourself and follow your dreams.

…except when you’re serving customers. Then put your wants and dignity aside and act like you’re happy to eat their shit.

Deep Thought # 4

I’m only going to pay you the bare minimum legally required of me.

…because I’m the bare minimum of a human being.

Deep Thought # 5

If you believe in yourself and the power of your dreams…

…statistically speaking you will still spend the rest of your life as a wage slave.

Deep Thought # 6

Join the U.S. Air Force, and we’ll make all your dreams come tre.

…except for the one about not being complicit in the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians.

Deep Thought # 7

What’s another word for militarizing your police force?

“Terrorism”

Deep Thought # 8

The easiest super power you can learn:

Looking at things from other people’s perspective.

Deep Thought # 9

Excuse me. Can you tell me where I can find Jesus?

Sure, you’ll find him right over there, next to the con artist collecting donations.

Deep Thought # 10

This inspirational pop song makes me feel like a champion with the eye of the tiger who can spread my wings and fly!

I’m so glad I have something to help me pretend like I won’t be a degraded wage slave my entire life.

Deep Thought # 11

Why is Black Friday in America called “Black Friday?”

Because it’s a celebration of everything that’s wrong with American society.

Deep Thought # 12

We’d better not allow cussing or nudity on television.

Because if we allowed that to happen we might have to harp on problems that actually matter.

Deep Thought # 13

Damn, this soda tastes good.

…and by “soda” I mean, over-the-counter addictive poison.

Deep Thought # 14

“If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.”

Women, your period is not a loophole around this rule.

Deep Thought # 15

The two biggest problems in this country are the threat of desperate people losing their guns and rich people losing their tax breaks.

…said no homeless person ever.

Deep Thought # 16

If you elect me president I’ll make all your dreams come true.

…if you’re rich.

Deep Thought # 17

If you have to bitch at your significant other before they even get out of the bed in the morning…

…then you are the problem.

Deep Thought # 18

Because of all your hard work my company has grown into a multi million dollar global corporation.

Too bad I don’t have to compensate you with any of the equity you created.

Deep Thought # 19

Anytime someone thanks me for fighting for their freedom…

I think, man, you lost freedoms during the years I was in the military.

Deep Thought # 20

Why do you keep harping on the issue of poverty?

Because it’s the greatest source of unnecessary misery in the world.


Deep thoughts by The Wise Sloth #23

Transcript

Deep Thought # 1

Pleasure is evil and horrible!

Says the miserable curmudgeon who can’t wait to die because they believe they’ll spend the rest of eternity in a permanent state of pleasure.

Deep Thought # 2

These protesters are demanding fair wages and accurate representation in government!

Quick, pepper spray and beat the shit out of these anarchists!

Deep Thought # 3

You know what would be really funny?

If we teach our kids that sex is disgusting and evil as we spend our entire lives chasing sex.

Deep Thought # 4

Poor people who don’t want to work their entire lives are lazy and irresponsible.

Rich people who don’t want to work their entire lives are making the most out of their lives.

Deep Thought # 5

You work 40 hours per week making other people’s lives better? Me too!

Well, try to enjoy your lobster. I’ll try to enjoy my Ramen noodles.

Deep Thought # 6

Forcing everyone to buy health insurance is socialism!

…said no socialist ever.

Deep Thought # 7

You failed your philosophy paper for making up ideas of your own without referencing…

dead philosophers who made up ideas of their own.

Deep Thought # 8

Suburbia is so exciting and fulfilling that I don’t even want to watch television.

…said no suburbanite ever.

Deep Thought # 9

Don’t worry. Here at Wells Fargo we only charge you $10 per month for your checking account if you don’t have at least $300 direct deposited each month.

Well, it’s good to know that you’re only screwing over the poorest of the poor.

Deep Thought # 10

I’m not a gold digger, but I expect my man to make more money than me.

No, you are. You’re a greedy, selfish gold digger with golden vagina syndrome.

Deep Thought # 11

Talking snakes. Talking donkeys. Magic hair. Gods impregnating women and turning water into booze…

Nah, that doesn’t sound like mythology at all.

Deep Thought # 12

Don’t worry, citizen. I’m here for your protection!

And by “your protection” I mean, “to meet my quota.”

Deep Thought # 13

I’m so relieved that you have an excuse for everything…

…and that I can replace you with someone who doesn’t.

Deep Thought # 14

That thing that celebrity did was so shocking and scandalous it’s all everyone is talking about!

Really? It’s more shocking and scandalous than the continent-sized pile of trash floating in our depleted ocean?

Deep Thought # 15

Teacher, if I’m never going to use this information then why are you teaching it to me let alone testing me on it?

Because if I stood up for what’s right I’d just get fired and nothing would change anyway.

Deep Thought # 16

Internet Pro Tip:

When someone asks a question on a forum, don’t post a response saying, “I don’t know.”

Deep Thought # 17

I know this sounds counter intuitive, but…

…yelling at children does not make them better people.

Deep Thought # 18

If you didn’t want your lover to leave you…

…You shouldn’t have treated them like shit.

Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth # 1
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Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #19
Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth $20
Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #21
Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #22


Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #22

and thus have no basis for comparison

Don't assume an asshole would understand this statement.

Don't eat it.

Just give me a reason to buy crap I don't need.

or go to church.

Reason solves more problems than aggression.

Retirement funds are for losers.

That's a bad example since Jesus approved of slavery.

That's also why you don't get breaks.

That's not change we can believe in either.

Then someone else goes on furlough.

You're only kidding yourself.

Transcript:

Deep Thought #1

New Rule: You don’t get to say you live in the best country in the world if you’ve never been to another country.

Deep Thought #2

Tell a good person they’re an asshole and they’ll feel hurt and apologize. Tell an asshole they’re an asshole and they’ll argue with you and try to prove they’re right and you’re wrong.

Deep Thought #3

What’s another word for “fast food?” “Poison.” The word you’re looking for is “poison.”

Deep Thought #4

Hey, let’s go buy a bunch of holiday decorations and doodads! Because ,you know… we’re consumer whores.

Deep Thought #5

Want to wast your life doing something meaningless but you’re too old for video games? just watch sports.

Deep Thought #6

If you’re mad enough to scream…. there’s a 90% chance the problem is that you’re over-reacting.

Deep Thought #7

Hello, poor person trying to look rich. Nice Escalade you got there.

Deep Thought #8

Jesus wasn’t Caucasian. So hanging a picture of a white Jesus in your house is sort of like hanging a picture of a white Martin Luther King Jr. in your house.

Deep Thought #9

How come we have to be at work for ten hours a day instead of like seven? Because your employer’s profit margin is more important than your life.

Deep Thought #10

Under Obamacare American citizens will be fined if they don’t buy health insurance. That’s no Socialism. That’s predatory capitalism at its finest.

Deep Thought #11

If you fail to do your job you will be fired…. Unless you’re a Congressman.

Deep Thought #12

You don’t go looking for trouble, but trouble always seems to find you. Now, wait. The problem is that you always go looking for trouble.

How to make your own deep thoughts memes
Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth # 1
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Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #11
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Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #14
Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #15
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Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #19
Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #20

Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #21


Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #21

aka freedom drones.

And use more citations and less original ideas.

But you will anyway.

Just like you don't respect women.

or Detroit or Mississippi.

or not.

or people from Diego Garcia.

Please please please please

Righteousness 1 - Morality 0

So we should probably do something about that.

The legal way!

and their baggage

Transcript:

Deep Thought #1

I think we can all agree it’s unconscionable to use chemical weapons to kill civilians. You’re supposed to use drones.

Deep Thought #2

I’m sorry. Your college essay sounds conversational and accessible. You’re going to have to make it pretentiously unreadable if you expect to get an “A.”

Deep Thought #3

New Rule: If you’ve never been to a country with strict gun control laws then you don’t get to shout about how bad gun control laws are.

Deep Thought #4

Oh, you believe women should be punished for taking their shirt off? Then no, I don’t respect your beliefs.

Deep Thought #5

This is the greatest country in the world!! Said no one who lives in Compton.

Deep Thought #6

I’ve got it! I’ll cuss out people on the internet who don’t believe the same things I do! That’ll show them how superior me and my beliefs are!

Deep Thought #7

I love how devoted America is to freedom! Said no Cuban or Palestinian ever.

Deep Thought #8

Would someone please make a new Facebook application.. one that blocks baby pictures.

Deep Thought #9

Remember, it’s never okay to hurt other people…. unless you’re punishing them for doing something you disagree with.

Deep Thought #10

The call to action raised by global warming is to reduce pollution. The call to action raised by climate change deniers is more pollution. Hey, even if global warming isn’t real, pollution is still bad.

Deep Thought #11

It’s unconscionable to kil yourself with illegal drugs. You should kill yourself with alcohol and tobacco!

Deep Thought #12

Women get to be swept off their feet and carried into the sunset. Men get to carry women.

How to make your own deep thoughts memes
Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth # 1
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Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #11
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Deep Thoughts by The Wise Sloth #22


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