Category Archives: Inspirational and Self-Help

My middle of the road theory on sexual morality and gender labels

If an American turned on their television in the 1950’s, they’d see women cooking and cleaning the house, and men going to work in business suits. Boys played with toy guns, and girls played with dolls. There were only two choices for sex and gender, but it wasn’t really a choice, because the genitals you were born with determined how society expected you to behave.  If you were born with a penis, you acted like Ward Clever, and if you were born with a vagina, you acted like June Clever.

In the 1950’s, American television culture was so prudish, sitcoms weren’t allowed to show married heterosexual couples in the same bed.  So husbands and wives were always portrayed sleeping in separate twin-sized beds, fully clothed. When the children who grew up watching “Leave it to Beaver” became adults, they considered the sitcom, “Three’s Company” obscene, because it showed a single man living with two single females. To the old timers’ dismay, “Three’s Company” was popular enough with the younger generation to last eight seasons.

In 2004, the Baby Boomers who grew up on “Three’s Company” considered “The L Word” obscene because it showed promiscuous lesbians living together and getting married. The only reason “The L Word” was allowed on television at all, was because it aired on late night cable, far from the impressionable eyes of children.

It didn’t take another twenty years for society to accept the next next jump in which sexual norms are allowed to be shown on television. In less than a decade, the bonds of tradition loosened to the point that NBC (a family-oriented channel) produced, “The New Normal,” a sitcom in which two gay men hire a woman to be a surrogate mother for their child.

If that wasn’t enough to give Baby Boomers heart attacks, they also had to come to terms with  shows like “Ru Paul’s Drag Race” and “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” in which transsexuals openly demand to be celebrated. To the old timers’ dismay, both of those shows are so popular with young people, they’ve already lasted more seasons than “Three’s Company.”

In the history of mankind, society has never changed this fast. The reason this is happening now, is because technology is spreading information to people, who are learning more, faster than ever. Radio and TV were unprecedented, but the invention of the internet sped up communication exponentially, and its pace is still compounding. If things are changing so fast right now your head is spinning, it’s going to have spun completely off your body in twenty years, because this whirlwind of change is only going to get faster.

Sexual orientation and gender norms have always been debated, but the conversation has never been this polarized or violent. The reason the national dialogue on sex and gender isn’t as calm as it was in the 1990’s is because we’re all in uncharted territory. The young, progressive liberals leading the charge are as lost as the elderly conservative curmudgeons who are holding onto tradition. Moderates in the middle are wondering who is less wrong.

For example, you used to be considered a liberal progressive if you believed in women’s right to work or homosexuals’ right to marry, but if the progressive social justice warriors get their way in 2017, when you fill out a job application that asks your gender, it will have to include 50-80 different types of gender pronouns your coworkers will have to address you by, according to your choice.

Don’t ask me to explain this chart. I don’t know.

To some of America’s social justice warriors, those pronouns aren’t enough to accurately label everyone. So they invented a chart explaining how sex and gender are part of a spectrum, which children can use to determine the nature of their gender and sexuality. Every American agrees freedom of choice is a good thing, but even moderate liberals laugh and cringe at The Gender Unicorn.

There actually is a degree of truth to the fluidity of sex and gender, but it’s more nuanced than social justice warriors or Christians are ready to admit. For starters, the traditional way of thinking about sex and gender is that there are only two possibilities. You’re either a boy with a penis or a girl with a vagina. Life isn’t that simple. Sex organs are determined by chromosomes. If you have an XY chromosome, you’ll be born with a penis and all the hormones that make you think and act masculine. If you have  XX chromosomes, you’ll be born with a vagina and all the chromosomes that make you think and act feminine.

However, people are often born with a mismatched combination of chromosomes like XXY, XXXY, or just X. These genetic codes create mixed signals within people’s body. Some combinations will cause someone to have the body of one sex, but the mental wiring of the other.  This makes them feel like they’re living in the wrong body, and no amount of will-power or philosophizing is going to change that. In these cases, getting a sex change is a drastic, but legitimate, choice.

Some conservatives argue this saying, “You may have the choice to cut your dick off, but how is that not insane?” Well, insanity is defined as “a pattern of mental or behavioral patterns that may be abnormal to social norms and definitely causes someone to be a danger to themselves or others.”

Chopping your dick off is definitely abnormal. It’s probably not going to cause you to harm other people, but the suicide rate among transsexuals is above average. So technically, being a transsexual fits the definition of insanity, but so does autism and ADHD. Down syndrome and neurofibromatosis are caused by abnormal chromosomes. So if you’re going to hate transsexuals for being born with a more difficult genetic makeup to manage than the average person, then you need to hate almost everybody.

Some transsexuals don’t have abnormal chromosomes, but their life experiences convinced them to seek a new identity. For example, I once met a man who got a sex change and lived as a woman. He was molested repeatedly by his father as a child, and he told me that at one point, when he was being raped, it was like a switch went off in his head. He remembered thinking, “Daddy has sex with mommy, and daddy is having sex with me. So I must be a mommy.” The rest of his life was a downward spiral into confusion and self-destructive behavior. Technically, this person’s thoughts and behavior fit the definition of insanity, but if you’re going to hate him for that, you’re not trying to understand anything, and you’re one of the bad guys.  Even if he made the wrong decision, that doesn’t mean he deserves to be hated.

On a lighter note, I once met a teenage girl who identified as a man, but she spent her evenings shopping for shoes on her smart phone and doing everything girls do, including dating guys. She got swept up in the social movement for sexual equality before she was old enough to understand genetics and found a niche that gave her an identity even though it didn’t truly fit her. She’ll undoubtedly grow out of it, like I grew out of my heavy metal phase.Does this make her an insane piece of shit who deserves to be spat on? No. She’s just a naive kid trying to find herself, like the rest of us.

Her story doesn’t change the fact that there are more than two types of chromosome patterns humans can be born with. Transsexuals are real. If you can’t accept that, then you don’t believe in reality, which fits the definition of insanity. At the same time though, you don’t get to decide you’re a real transsexual just because it’s trendy.

If the poser transsexual I mentioned above wants to wear pants instead of dresses, and get a job instead of raising children, her decision is amoral, not immoral. Scottish men wear kilts. Arab men wear a long, flowing garb called a thawb, which looks dress-like to Westerners. Different cultures all over the world, and throughout history, have assigned different gender roles to men and women, including how they dress, act and work.

These kind of gender differences are social constructs that we have social pressure to follow but no moral obligation. Anyone can dress however they want. Clothing patterns are a non-issue. If you believe you have a divine duty to enforce your parents’ dress code on everyone else, you’re intellectually lazy at best, and insane at worst.

Granted, telling a preschooler they get to choose how to define their sexuality and gender role for the rest of their life is setting them up for failure. If you tell a five year old boy he can be whatever he wants, he’s more likely to choose to be a dinosaur than a girl.

Kids don’t know what the hell is going on, and this is all the more reason we shouldn’t encourage girls to wear dresses and play with Barbies, and boys to wear pants and play with action figures. We’re indoctrinating kids with gender roles that wouldn’t matter if they were broken. In the cosmic scale of things, the clothes you wear don’t matter. They’re useful, but it’s unnecessary to force people to wear clothes that fit your fleeting cultural upbringing.

Another unnecessary social construct is the idea that everyone under the age of eighteen is going to be traumatized by seeing genitals. No other animal on the planet gets worked up over seeing genitals, and children who grow up in nudist colonies don’t leave traumatized. Their curse is having to live the rest of their lives wondering why everyone else is so uptight.

The solution to whether or not trans men should be allowed to use women’s bathrooms is to remove all gender segregation and let men and women piss, shit and shower together. This sounds outrageous if you’ve never experienced it, but that’s not because it’s crazy. It’s because you’ve been indoctrinated with your society’s cultural norms. If everyone walked around naked together, like in the shower scene in “Starship Troopers,” we would all just get on with our lives and not worry about other people’s bodies.

At some point, someone may get raped by sharing bathrooms, but I sincerely believe there will be less rapes overall because society’s sexual frustration level will be lower across the board. If we’re going to segregate the sexes and force people to hide their skin, then we can’t condemn cultures that force women to cover their entire bodies. They’re doing the same thing as you. They’ve just taken your moderate style of oppression and ran with it to its inevitable conclusion.

Who you choose to have sex with is just as much of a non-issue as what clothes you wear or who sees your genitals. Sexual attraction is partly determined by hormones and partly by choice. Either way, if you get stranded on a deserted island for the rest of your life, eventually, you’re going to fuck whatever is there, even if your only companion is a sheep.

It’s an understatement to say everyone is bi-sexual. Humans are omni-sexual. The most accurate way to define humans isn’t heterosexual or homosexual. We’re all just fuck bots. When you remove the social pressure to only have one type of sex, people will fuck just about anything. This isn’t immoral. It’s amoral. It doesn’t matter where you stick your dick, what you stick inside of you, or what orifice you stick it in… as long as nobody gets hurt or is forced to do something against their will.

Everyone over the age of thirty has thought, even just for a second, about fucking something that isn’t a member of the opposite sex. Most of us have fucked our hand or a toy, but we don’t have a special name for that, because we don’t care. Imagine if we told people that if you ever think about having sex with a pocket pussy, it makes you a latex-ophile, which is how you must have been born and thus how you have to identify yourself and behave.

There are undoubtedly millions of men and women who had a passing thought that they might like to have intercourse with someone of their own sex. But because society says only gay people think about that, people often assume their one-off fantasy must mean they’re gay and therefore have to wear rainbow flags and act flamboyant. If we’d all grown up believing humans are just horny fuck bots and it doesn’t matter how you achieve orgasm, we’d all get on with our lives and not end up basing our personality on our sexual fantasies.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to identify as gay. Some people have the right cocktail of hormones that predispose them to wanting to have gay sex. However, they’re not going to burst into flames if they decide to have heterosexual intercourse. So all I’m saying is it’s unnecessary to force people into conforming to a social group that fits their fantasies. Many militant homosexuals and heterosexuals alike are guilty of forcing this dichotomy on others.

In conclusion, progressives are correct that there are more than two choices for how to live. However, forcing people to pick one of eighty labels, and then demonizing people who don’t, is oppressive in exactly the same way as forcing people to pick between one of two labels and demonizing those who don’t fit your expectations. The left has become guilty of enforcing too many labels, and the right has been guilty of enforcing too few. The solution is to get rid of the need for any labels by not giving a fuck about other people.

Most people who read this probably won’t agree with half of what I’ve said, but I believe history will vindicate me. I believe the future will look like Star Trek, where everyone wears gender neutral onesies because people will have stopped worrying about socially constructed gender differences. There will also be men who wear dresses and women who wear combat boots. Everyone will be showering with each other and having casual sex. The world won’t end. Life will go on, and everyone will get more of what they want.

Most people alive today will be glad they won’t live to see the new world, because they can’t let go of their traditions, which are based on archaic and intellectually lazy labels for sex and gender. If it’s any consolation, your children won’t have to pick their gender identity on a unicorn chart, and adults won’t have to pick between eighty different labels when they fill out employment applications, because nobody will care enough to make that distinction.

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Tweets by The Wise Sloth: Feb 2017-April 2017

  • My entire life I haven’t been waiting to see what problem my president solves next, I’ve been waiting to see what problem he creates next.
  • Watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles growing up, it always confused me that the smartest member of the team wasn’t the leader.
  • Bruce Wayne should have hired 10,000 mercenaries and a wise council to fight evil instead of spending millions on a one-man vigilante fetish
  • “Teaching kids that the Earth is 6k years old is like teaching them that the distance across the United States is 17 feet.” Lawrence Krauss (paraphrased)
  • The more you tell yourself the world is on your shoulders, the more it will feel like it.
  • It might save the world if everyone criticizes three things about their group every time they criticize one thing about another group.
  • If your plan to fight poverty involves making the rich, richer, you don’t understand economics.
  • Moderate Americans and Muslims should strategize to redouble their efforts to educate their extreme members instead of passively enabling them
  • It baffles me how people absorb news and wisdom from around the world on phones, then use the same apps to say technology is tearing us apart.
  • You can tell the size of someone’s weed habit by the size of their grinder.

  • Just once I’d like to hear an American president tell all Americans to not act like victims and throw tantrums when their flaws are exposed.
  • The road to bankruptcy and debt is paved with “opportunities of a lifetime.”
  • America’s education system is so broken, it would be better to go 100% digital and close all brick and mortar schools.
  • The more rules you have to follow that stress you out, the more likely your soldiers and/or politicians must be failing at their job.
  • The more often and intensely you’re afraid of accidentally or unintentionally breaking the law, the more likely you live in a police state.
  • It baffles me that in 2017 there are still people who believe politicians care about what people who haven’t given them money think.
  • If you believe your bank cares about you, you’re wildly mistaken. Their job isn’t to help you get money. Their job is to take your money.
  • We need yard work appreciation day, where he who does all the yard work relaxes while his family experiences his pain for one day each year.
  • Most self-help, motivation and leadership books either teach how to be a more enthusiastic slave or slaver.
  • I want an app that calculates the shortest path and with the least amount of turns to mow your lawn.
  • “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. It’s your convictions that make you vulnerable to lies.”
  • “If the same kind of thing keeps happening to you over and over, it’s probably not other people or random chance.”

  • I love how freedom of religion prevents oppression but hate how much it’s used to justify oppressing those who want to be free from religion
  • I bet most people in North Korea don’t put any stock in the book, “The Secret.”
  • “The most dangerous lie is the one closest to the truth.”
  • If the Easter Bunny were a unicorn, we wouldn’t celebrate Easter, because it would force us to confront the fact that we celebrate mythology
  • You’d think humans would have learned by now, when a politician asks for more power, it’s for their benefit, at your expense.
  • Either all your exes are jerks or nobody wants to stay with a spoiled brat who throws hate-tantrums every time you don’t get what you want.
  • Radical SJWs and feminists need to embrace Abraham Lincoln’s words, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
  • Americans need licenses to do anything but go to church. As long as that line isn’t crossed, we accept having to apply/pay for our freedoms.
  • I wish Americans were as concerned with the freedom to buy medicine without a prescription as they are about freedom of religion.
  • It would solve so many problems later in life if schools taught children how to take a hint.
  • “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.”David Brinkley
  • “People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” Unknown
  • The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them.” Jim Henson
  • The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work.” Harry Golden
  • Just once I’d like to hear America’s celebrity doctors say America’s health care system could be fixed by doctors boycotting insurance.

  • You cross a line and do something to your soul when you wear sweat pants to a strip club.
  • You can’t pretend you’re not old anymore after you start meeting kids who are too young to remember the things that defined your childhood.
  • The more you find yourself telling people to give your hero a second chance, the more likely you should give your hero a second look.
  • The more passionately you support any American politician, the more you should doubt your objectivity and double check you’re not wrong.
  • Americans have proven they can’t protest without rioting. It’s about time they try something different.
  • There tends to be an inverse correlation between the amount of time you spend complaining and the amount of time you spend doing something.
  • Just because someone says something you disagree with, that doesn’t mean they’re against you. They may just be for facts, and you’re wrong.
  • “The real problem of humanity … we have Palaeolithic emotions; medieval institutions; and godlike technology.”
  • I wish humanity was as passionate about devoting resources to emigrating off Earth as we are stopping people from immigrating around Earth.
  • “We will not believe more than we know, and we will not live higher than our beliefs.”
  • When Christians say they don’t know or believe the Bible unambiguously approves of slavery, I assume they’re totally Biblically illiterate.
  • It’s baffling how many parents give their children religious books they’ve never read as their primary instruction book on life.
  • It’s baffling how few parents have written instruction books for life to give to their children.
  • Every time you watch a TV commercial, you get dumber.
  • If you still trust American news stations after the 2016 POTUS election, your standards of journalistic ethics are catastrophically low.
  • Wisdom is too important to wait for it to fall into your lap. Not constantly seeking/collecting it is how you stay an idiot your whole life.
  • If you can’t make yourself happy, you will inevitably make your lover miserable.
  • There are two types of rules: 1. Time-tested best practices for accomplishing a goal 2. Bullshit someone made up to control others

  • The longer you complain about being a victim, but have no plan to fix anything, the more likely you just have a delusional victim complex.
  • Give Trump a chance, they said. Every chance he’s had, he proved his worst critics right. How many more chances does he get?
  • America would be a very different place if Trump’s supporters were as critical of him as they were of Obama.
  • Trump bombed Syria for using WMDs. Then he uses a MOAB in Afghanistan, which has never been used because it fits the criteria of a WMD.
  • The quickest way to piss off someone in a cult is to tell them they’re in a cult.
  • Schools should have classes that teach you how/why not to throw tantrums when you don’t get what you want.
  • The easiest way to distract Americans is to make a controversial, heart-wrenching human interest story go viral.
  • A guy getting kicked off an overbooked flight is not the most important thing happening today and not what everyone should be talking about.
  • Aliens would be baffled by how much comedy humans watch on TV while our world is dying from wars, corruption, atrocities, oppression and waste

  • Proving to people you’re right all the time is more likely a symptom of your insecurity and shortsightedness than strength and genius.
  • Politicians and soldiers should be as concerned about protecting us from insurance companies as they are about protecting us from terrorists
  • If politicians could be dishonorably discharged for negligence, bad conduct and crime, all of America’s congress would qualify for one.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician advocate setting limits to how many laws a politician can break before being dishonorably discharged
  • “The price of originality is criticism. The value of originality is priceless.”
  • American culture teaches children to question how things have always been done almost as much as it teaches them traditions are sacrosanct.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician talk about the need for grocery store reform because the system we got is creating obesity and poverty
  • Masculinity is toxic, said no feminist to their mechanics, plumbers, or soldiers ever.
  • Congressmen/women, who are picked by voters in single states, get to decide laws that affect every other state. Totally defeats the purpose.
  • At least once in my life, I’d like to hear a politician say voters should have the ability to veto politicians out of office by popular vote.
  • The reason cheerleaders exist is to cover up the fact that sports are boring.
  • If massage therapists have to do continuing education to keep their job, so should Congress.
  • My high school history teacher once told my class America was founded by criminals, slaves and religious freaks. It seems nothing has changed.
  • Growing experiences tend to come with growing pains. Accept it. Embrace it. Get on with it.

  • When a woman complains to you about a problem, don’t offer solutions and rationalizations. Just actively listen. All you have to do is wait.
  • Writers have two choices: 1. Write about the most important topics they can. 2. Write things that distract people from more important topics
  • The angrier the poor get at the rich, the more the media tells them to be angry at another group of people.
  • If you believe there’s a liberal conspiracy to destroy America, the problem is you believe anything any fear-peddling shock jock sells you.
  • Knowledge is knowing the right answers. Wisdom is asking the right questions.
  • Rod Serling’s monologs in “The Twilight Zone” tend to make as much sense as The Ultimate Warrior’s monologs in the WWF.

  • Your job is more of an opportunity for your employer than for you.
  • Women, you can’t make your boyfriend or husband better by bitching at him. You can only do that by loving, supporting and building him up.
  • Anyone pissed about white privilege would have their jealousy cured by spending a week living with me in my trailer by the train tracks.
  • The more times you’ve justified beating someone smaller than you, the more likely you’re a god damn ass hole.
  • The more attention you pay to sports, the less important things you learn or act on.
  • Neither God or our ancestors would be proud of how our economy is designed to fuck people harder, the poorer they are.
  • No matter where you live, if you’re proud of being in the majority, you’re probably proud of being a gullible, surface-thinking idiot.
  • If there are an infinite number of universes, then there’s a universe out there somewhere where each of us have had sex with Bill Nye.
  • Some people are confident in social situations because they practice success. Other people are confident because they just don’t give a fuck
  • If you’re hyperactive and can’t stay still, and you don’t have a hobby, you’re leaving money and meaning on the table.
  • If Putin helped Trump win the election, it was probably more to help America fail than to help Trump succeed.
  • I wish the Republican Party would stop putting on pretenses and just change their name to the Fox News Party.
  • When someone asks for forgiveness for something they’re not really sorry for, they’re really asking for permission.
  • Trump could improve his approval rating quicker and easier by solving a few simple real problems than by grandstanding and sideshowing.

 

  • Today’s excuses become tomorrow’s regrets.
  • How do you create 1 rich person? By creating 10 poor people.
  • I wonder how many homes and gardens could have been built with the money America has spent spying on its citizens.
  • As long as there are for-profit prisons, ticket quotas and a war on drugs, there are no good cops, only accomplices to crime at best.
  • If you contradict everything I say, I’m going to give up trying to talk to you.
  • Despite what their advertisements and website say, anyone who would charge you 30% interest is not your friend.
  • If we protect people from hunger as zealously as we protect them from having their feelings hurt, we’d all love life and probably each other.
  • Elton John’s music would have been more interesting if he was goth.
  • We promote and incentivize women getting in STEM fields for equality, but where’s the push for gender equality in all the most deadly jobs?
  • Luckily, in America, the First Amendment allows you to speak freely about all your other rights the RNC and DNC are constantly taking away.
  • Every month hundreds of millions of Americans celebrate their freedom by living paycheck to paycheck.
  • Life according to conservativism: Blindly defending Democrats = sheep. Blindly defending Republicans = patriot. Not defending either = slacker
  • Just once I wish someone watching reality TV would drop their head in their hands and mumble, “Fuck. I’m what’s wrong with this world.”

  • Every year Americans celebrate their freedom by paying hundreds of dollars to renew their professional licenses that arbitrarily expired.
  • It’s ironic when Muslims say Islam is a religion of peace, since Muslim extremists have killed more Muslims than non-Muslims by magnitudes.
  • The dumber the individual, the dumber the whole. We all have a personal and civic responsibility to not be stupid.
  • The more emotional a news host is, the more likely they’re a shock jock.
  • American presidents are as synonymous with dishonesty as American military recruiters are.
  • Whatever your favorite radio DJ personalities are most excited about, you should not be.
  • For some reason, people hate it when you wear black shoes with a brown belt or visa/versa. It doesn’t make any sense, but be prepared for it
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more male you are, the better life is.”
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more white you are, the better life is.”
  • The angrier and more frightened watching the news makes you, the less likely you’re watching real journalistic new reporting.
  • If your plan to make the world better is to kill, incarcerate or deport all the bad guys, you’re probably one of the bad guys.

 


Tales From The Wise Sloth: The Time I Got HIV

In 2005 I was a Senior Airman (rank E-4) in the U.S. Air Force. My job title was 3C0X1, aka Communications Computer Systems Operator, aka all-purpose computer nerd. I was stationed at Sembach Air Base, which is located in Southwest Germany, about a twenty minute drive from both Ramstein Air Base and the Army’s Landstuhl Medical Center.

smoke break

Since Ramstein is the largest Air Force base in Europe, and Landstuhl is the largest military hospital outside the continental United States, this is where the military sends all the wounded soldiers from the Middle East. Several times a year, Sembach would have a blood drive due to the high volume of blood needed for all the incoming wounded soldiers. I love the idea of giving blood, but every time I do, my blood spews out so fast I get light headed, nauseous and almost pass out. They always have to elevate my head and put a cold pack on my neck, which is pretty embarrassing. However, that first world problem pales in comparison to soldiers needing emergency transfusions. So I did my duty and opened my veins for my brothers and sisters.

Another reason I’m hesitant to give blood is because I had hepatitis when I was four years old. It wasn’t sexually transmitted, and I recovered from it. Multiple blood tests have shown it’s not in my system anymore. I couldn’t have enlisted if it was, but I always worried my blood might be dirty. However, this didn’t stop me from giving blood, because they test every donation for diseases. So if there was anything there, they’d catch it.

Since the military had already tested and inoculated me for everything you can be tested and inoculated for, I didn’t give my blood donation a second thought until a few weeks later when I stopped by the base post office to check my mail on my lunch break. That day I received an official letter from the military, which I had to sign for. This was highly unusual. So my heart rate was a little elevated when I opened the letter. My mind raced, trying to guess what I may have gotten in trouble for.

The news was much worse than I imagined. To my horror, the letter said my recent blood donation had tested positive for HIV, and I needed to contact the medical squadron as soon as possible to have another test done to confirm the results. By the time I finished reading the document, my head was spinning and darkness filled my peripheral vision.

I went back to work and tried to go through the rest of my day acting like nothing was wrong, but my head felt like a black hole, as if everything good had been sucked out of my life, leaving an existential vacuum in its place. Nothing mattered anymore. I was no longer working towards retirement. All of my hopes and dreams were unreachable. There was nothing left for me to do but wait to die… and give the bad news to my family, friends and most recent sexual partners.

Unable to face reality, I let a week pass without contacting the medical squadron. I walked through each day in a daze, watching what happened to me from a thousand miles away. I made a list of my sexual partners, which wasn’t long. I decided who the most likely culprit to give me this horrible disease was, a promiscuous Air Force girl from my previous base. I obsessed over who else I may have accidentally infected by having any kind of physical contact with, which I knew wasn’t possible, but my mind was stuck in panic mode.

I’d already had my last will and testament drawn up by a military lawyer a year earlier. So I didn’t have to worry about that, but I spent dozens of hours plotting my final words and trying to decide what to do with the few years I had left. As I ate tasteless food or carried on pointless small talk with my coworkers, I thought about my regrets and everything I wouldn’t get to do in the future. I didn’t try bargaining with God, because that would have been pointless. I was already a dead man walking. All I could do was make the most of my fleeting time and try to cry as little as possible. Mostly I thought about those poor souls I’d infected and needed to hurry up and pass on the tragic news to.

I didn’t want to tell anyone my secret until I knew for sure I had HIV. Lucky for them, even though I was dragging my feet, the Air Force wasn’t. A female nurse called me at work and asked if I’d received an official letter recently. I said, “Yes.” The nurse asked me what it was about, and I replied I’d rather not say out loud. I knew my boss, whose office sat caddy-corner from my desk, eavesdropped on my conversations. The nurse asked me to say the first letter of the pertinent word, and I said, “H.” After confirming she didn’t need to break the bad news to me herself, she scheduled an appointment at Ramstein a few days later for me to give more blood for further testing.

On the day of the test I told my boss I had to go to Ramstein for a routine medical checkup. Twenty minutes later I sulked into the medical clinic. As a male nurse quietly drew my blood, I asked how accurate the initial test was. He looked me in the eyes and said in a meaningful tone of voice, “Ninety-seven percent.”

I went home that night and got drunk, as I’d done every night for the past week. Even with all the lights in my apartment on, everything looked dark. It was like living in the Twilight Zone, where the rules of the universe were different for me, and not in a good way. The only ray of hope my mind could latch onto was that there had been a mistake, but I couldn’t take a three percent chance of a fluke happening seriously.  I’d have better odds of winning the lottery.

Fast forward several more months of bleakness, despair and blood tests. As fate would have it, I did win the Twilight Zone lottery. A ninety-seven percent accurate HIV test means three percent of the people who take it, win an existential nightmare that ends with them receiving a new lease on life. I’ve had more STD tests since then, and they all confirm I never had HIV. Plus, all of my sexual partners from that time are healthy and alive.

Part of my brain tells me I should be mad at the world for giving me a false death sentence, but in the end, it was a blessing in disguise. I almost feel bad for anyone who hasn’t had to go through that. It’s so easy to take life for granted and let the years slip by without really thinking about what’s important or how you should spend what little time you have on Earth. I basically got my mid-life crisis out of the way at the age of 25.

People told me I was crazy when I immigrated to New Zealand at the age of 29 despite having never visited the country. In my mind, the risk of not experiencing life to its fullest outweighed anything that could possibly go wrong. I only spent three years in New Zealand, and during that time a lot of things did go wrong, but experience has taught me, you’re not having an adventure if everything goes right. And as a wiser man than myself once said, “The summer would not be so sweet, were it not for the winter.” When bad things happen to me, and those two pieces of wisdom don’t put things into perspective, I can always remind myself, at least I don’t have AIDS.

The other thing I took away from this experience is that it’s important to leave something good behind when you inevitably die. I don’t have any money to shower the poor with, but the one thing I do have is wisdom gained through often unpleasant experiences that I don’t want to be in vain. This is a big part of why I’m in such a mad dash to write as much as I can regardless of how little it pays. I hope my blog and books inspire, enlighten and entertain you. That’s all I need to take to my grave.

P.S.

Here’s a link to a free copy of my E-book, “Why: An Agnostic Perspective on the Meaning of Life.”

If you liked this story, you may like these other Tales From The Wise Sloth:


An imagined conversation with my abusive, narcissistic father

I haven’t spoken to my father in over ten years, and I’ve often imagined how our next conversation may go, if it ever happens. I needed to vent this for a while, but I didn’t because it’s TMI. I’m doing it anyway, not to be emo or fish for sympathy. My hope is that, if anyone else raised by an abusive, narcissistic parent reads this, it might make them feel less alone and less crazy.

If you identified with this post, you may enjoy the Reddit forum, “Raised by Narcissists.”


Tips on conversation: Part 1

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Talking isn’t a competition. It’s an opportunity.

Humans have a tendency to approach conversations like a competition where the winner is whoever proves themselves the coolest, smartest, most successful, or most charming. But life isn’t a competition for social status. It’s nice when people like you, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Nor are you under any obligation to like or impress anyone else. Think about it. How many times as someone completely changed your life after you impressed them in a conversation? Unless you’re married, probably never.

Trying to impress everybody is futile, because you’re completely incompatible with at least half of the people you meet. So you were never going to be friends anyway, and most of the people you do get to know will be gone from your life in a few years, rendering their opinion of you meaningless eventually.

There are more enjoyable and useful kinds of conversations  you can have than dick waving competitions. Use conversation as an opportunity to learn, have fun and connect with others. That’s what they’re for.

Nobody is out to judge you.

Nobody who cares about you will judge you, and nobody else cares enough about you to judge you. Ultimately, you’re just another face in the crowd who isn’t going to be around in a few years. Everyone is obsessed with themselves. When they talk to you, they’re only paying half attention to what you’re saying. The rest of their mind is busy thinking about their own needs and insecurities.

In fact, strangers are more likely to want to give you the benefit of the doubt, because we all want to believe we live in a good world, full of good people. When you meet someone new, don’t you hope they turn out to be nice and enjoyable? When you introduce yourself to someone, they’re most likely crossing their fingers, thinking, “Please, let this person be one of the good guys.” They don’t want you to impress them. They mostly just want you to not make their life harder.

It’s true, there are people out there who will judge you, but those people usually judge everyone. Habitually judging others is dysfunctional behavior that has more of a negative impact on the perpetrator’s life than the victims’. That kind of behavior fits the definition of a mental disorder. It’s not a sign of evil. It’s a condition that requires treatment. So when a judge-aholic looks down on you, don’t take it any more personally or seriously than you would someone with an eating disorder judging the size of your meal.

Nobody sees the real you. 

If society’s dress code required everyone to wear masks all the time, we would all be more confident. Hiding our faces makes us feel safer, because nobody can see the real “us.” The more anonymous we feel, the more permission we give ourselves to act as bold in real life as we would on an internet message board. This is ironic, because nobody will ever see anyone for who they really are. Everyone has a completely unique universe in their mind that only sound can escape. Trying to understand who a person is by talking to them, is like an astronomer trying to study the night sky using an ear horn.

Our internal universes are so unique and inaccessible, it’s impossible for us to accurately imagine what reality is like from anyone else’s perspective. Since we can’t see people for who they are, we fill in the blanks with patterns from our own universe. So no matter what you do or say, when anyone looks at you, they mostly see themselves. The way they treat you usually has more to do with how they treat themselves, than how you deserve to be treated. So take advantage of your anonymity to act outside your comfort zone, and don’t worry about what people say to a mirror.

The scarier talking to people is, the more you should seek help.

Talking to people isn’t war. Nobody wants your worst-case fears to come true. They don’t even want to think about it. They just want to feel good. Even if conversations do go bad, in the long run it doesn’t matter. Stressing out about failing in conversations is an irrational fear. That’s the definition of a “phobia,” specifically, social anxiety disorder.

Social anxiety exists only in your mind. You can turn it off like a light by thinking about anything else. If that doesn’t work, read some books on coping with social anxiety disorder and insecurity. If that doesn’t work, go see a mental health professional. Relief will only come as quickly as you pursue it.

The more you look at things from other people’s point of view, the less lost you’ll be. 

I learned some of the advice in this list from books, but I picked most of it up from watching people and trying to imagine life from their point of view. It’s easy, fun and enlightening. The more you understand where people are coming from, the better you can communicate with them. The less you understand them, the more lost you’ll be. If you don’t make a conscious decision to habitually look at conversations from other people’s point of view, you’ll always be lost.

Relax. We’re all apes here.

Some of my advice may seem contradictory, pessimistic or arrogant, but there’s a logical, impartial explanation for all of this. For example, I say people are unique, unknowable universes, but you can figure them out by watching them. I say people deserve love, but we’re all obsessed with ourselves. I say people are lost, ignorant and selfish, which raises the question, why don’t I live alone in the woods if everyone is so intolerably dumber than me?

Relax. I never said I was better than anyone else. The truth is, we’re all basically apes. We’re really clever apes, but our thought processes and motives are primitive enough to be predictable.

Apes are going to ape. That’s no reason to hate them. We may be goofy creatures, but we’re also cosmic miracles. The fact that we exist at all is reason enough to love us.

No matter how much better anyone thinks they are than anyone else, we’re all apes at the end of the day. There’s no reason to feel superior or inferior to anyone else. Nor is there any reason to stress over winning the approval of other apes. If someone ever throws shit at you, take it as personally as you would an ape throwing shit at you. If someone treats you divinely, cherish it. In the meantime, relax.

People would rather hear what they have to say than what you have to say.

When people talk to you, it’s like you’re standing behind an opaque mirror, and they’re talking to a reflection of themselves superimposed over a hazy outline of you. They’ve been talking to themselves their entire life, because they’re all they know of the universe. Being the only thing in their universe, their lives revolve around themselves, and they’re the most important thing in their universe.

People want to talk about what’s most important to them, which means anyone without social anxiety disorder probably wants to talk about themselves. Usually, they don’t even want to have a two-way conversation. They just want to talk about themselves and have you listen, smile, nod and compliment them.

The more you talk about yourself, the less they’re going to feel like they’re getting out of the conversation. After a few minutes they’re going to lose interest and spend the rest of the conversation impatiently waiting for their turn to talk or for the conversation to be over. Impressing people in conversation requires almost no talking at all. The only thing you have to do is find out what aspect of their life they want to talk about and ask them about it. The harder you try to blow their mind with what you have to say, the more likely you’ll convince them you’re an arrogant bore.

Flattery will get you everywhere.

People may be unique and unknowable universes, but making them feel good is simple. Just make them feel good about themselves. Give them the approval they so desperately yearn for. Flatter them.

Look at their wardrobe and how they present themselves. Find whatever they put the most thought and energy into and compliment it. Part of them doesn’t even care if you’re sincere or smooth about it. They just want positive reinforcement.

It looks desperate if you constantly praise people, but they won’t hate you for it. More likely, they’ll feel bad for you that you feel the need to impress your equals. However, you can stealthily give them subtle positive reinforcement by smiling, looking them in the eye, laughing and agreeing with them.

This doesn’t mean you should act like a Stepford Wife. If you’re talking to a violent racist, you shouldn’t be laughing and agreeing with what they say. But as a general rule, if you want people to approve of you, then approve of them. They wish you would.

Your name is the sweetest sound you can hear in any language.

Everyone is existentially lost in an incomprehensible universe waiting to die an unexplainable death. We don’t even know if we really exist or if this is just a simulation in a dream. Even living in a city, surrounded by people, you can feel utterly meaningless if nobody ever says your name.

Hearing someone say your name verifies your existence, and connects you to society. It makes you feel popular, important, and worth knowing. When you hear your name, for that moment, the attention is on you. You’re the belle of the ball. We all want to feel that, and we rarely do.

Saying someone’s name is more than just existential flattery. It’s the difference between a stranger and an acquaintance. The more you hear someone say your name, the more a part of their life you’ll be. To build a long lasting relationship with someone, you have to say their name.

Don’t constantly tell people your life story.

Very few people really want to know your life story. It bores everyone else. It also eliminates your mystery and anonymity. The less people know about you, the more they have to fill in the blanks with speculation. We tend to assume people are more perfect than they are. The less we know about them, the more we build them up. This is why teenage girls get so obsessed with boy bands. Since she’ll never meet the boy in person to find out what he’s really like, she falls in love with a mental construction of her ideal boyfriend. To far lesser degrees, everyone you know has done the same thing to you. The more they know about you, the more they see you as a regular, flawed person.

I’m not saying you should strive to be fake or aloof. You should have at least one confidant who knows your entire life story and all your secrets, and you should share your stories freely with the people you want to build life bonds with. But in casual conversation with acquaintances and strangers, you have more to lose than you have to gain by constantly spilling all your beans and cramming them down people’s throats.

Don’t constantly tell people your traumas, dramas and dark secrets. 

Nobody wants to hear about the best vacation you ever took. They really don’t want to hear about the worst things that have happened, are happening, or might happen in your life. All they want, is to feel good.

Hearing your horrible stories will force them to visualize unpleasant things. Then they’ll feel sad for you and guilty that they can’t save you. Then they’ll feel anxious as they try to come up with a solution to your problem. Then they’ll feel frustrated when you don’t take their advice. Then they’ll feel afraid you’re going to ask them for something. When the conversation is over, they’ll feel relief that you’re not battering their psyche like an emotional tornado. After they leave your company, they’ll continue feeling bad. If this happens enough times, they’ll avoid you.

Nobody wants to feel your pain. They want to feel your joy. If you can’t make people laugh, the least you could do is not go out of your way to burden them with your problems. If you need to talk about your problems, you should talk to a therapist.

Don’t constantly bitch about anything. 

Your life might be great, but there’s something else wrong in the world that pisses you off, like your government, immigrants, your lover, your boss, the opposite sex, young people, etc. Nobody wants to hear about it. Nobody cares that you’re upset. They care about making it through the day as happily as possible.

When you bitch about anything, you put a rain cloud over your audience’s head. You may be right about what you’re saying, and it may be important, but depressing the people you hang out with isn’t going to fix the world’s problems. It’s just going to earn you a reputation as an emotionally draining whiner.

Nobody wants to hear you brag.

You can impress people by bragging for a few minutes. The longer you try after that, the more it’ll have the opposite effect. You’d think people’s admiration of you would be proportional to how awesome of a life you’ve lived. But the more amazing your life is than theirs, the more your success highlights the shortcomings in their life. That makes them feel unfulfilled, which makes them feel guilty. Then they resent you for rubbing it in. Then they dismiss their emotional pain by blaming you and labeling you an arrogant brat who thinks life is a dick waving competition and always hogs the conversation telling your life story that nobody wanted to hear in the first place.

If you do have some really great stories that are genuinely interesting, wait until the most poignant time to share them, preferably when someone asks. Your stories will be far more impressive and digestible if you save them. Then people will be amazed you lived a more interesting life than they thought. Then they’ll fill in the rest of the blanks in your life with more positive speculation.

Don’t one-up people’s stories.

It’s painful enough to hear someone deliver a monologue about how much better they are than you. It’s even worse when they try to trump all of your stories. This is the fastest way to convince people you’re not worth talking to.

Be vigilant not to constantly auto-contradict people.

Having anything you say shot down is annoying. Yet many people’s default manner of speaking is to contradict everything anyone says. They believe they’re being smart by finding exceptions and holes in other people’s statements, but their efforts accomplish nothing. They don’t learn, teach or stand for anything, and it shows. Even if you’re right, your audience probably wouldn’t listen. The only thing they’re going to learn is that you’re impossible to talk to.

Don’t play the devil’s advocate.

Some people don’t realize they’re stuck on auto-contradict. Others make it a point to say things they don’t even believe because they’re on a mission to poke holes in people’s conversation. If you call them out on it, they may say they want to help stupid people correct their ignorance, which may be true, but their deeper motivations are sadism, self-centeredness and insecurity.

If your audience really is ignorant, then taunting them is like belittling a child because he hasn’t gone to college yet. Even if they’re too stupid to see what a misguided fraud you are, your actions still prove you’re a bad person in the greater scheme of life.

If your audience is smarter than you think, which they probably are, they’ll see through your shallow game. Even if they don’t, they’re going to remember how you made them feel. If you didn’t make them feel good, they’re not going to try to be a positive force in your life.

Don’t gossip or bitch about other people behind their backs.

It’s common knowledge that anyone who gossips to you, will also gossip about you. Every time you gossip, you’re convincing your audience you’re not trustworthy. And, obviously, you can only talk about other people so many times before it gets back to one of them. On the other hand, if you never do wrong by people, then that’s what people are going to say about you, and respect is going to come back to you.

Constantly bringing up negative information doesn’t help you or your audience achieve happiness. Sure, gossiping is a guilty pleasure, but it pales in comparison to the good feeling you get from talking about the positives in life. There are enough that focusing on the negative is like going to a rose garden and looking for dog shit to sniff.

 If you liked this post, you may like these:

Tips on conversation: Part 2

Advice on relationships

Advice on living


Tips on conversation: Part 2

Conversation

Talking about touchy subjects ends in absurdity often, violence sometimes and cohesion rarely.

There’s an old saying, “Never talk about politics or religion.” This is because nobody has the exact same beliefs, and we tend to defend our beliefs more than we question them. We behave this way partly because we’re cognitive misers and party because we’ve been indoctrinated not to question certain topics. Either way, talking about those topics is more likely to end in conflict than cohesion. However, people are more likely to avoid conflict than jump at the chance to escalate it. So you’ll probably spend the whole conversation dancing around taboos, trying not to offend each other.

The whole exercise was probably futile to begin with, because most people only have a vague idea what they believe. So the deeper you dig, the more excuses and flimsy justifications you’re likely to find than useful or interesting knowledge.

Disagree respectfully.

By some people’s definition, an enemy is anyone who disagrees with them. Yet, everyone disagrees with everyone on something. If you perceive disagreements as battle lines, you’ll have to go war with everyone, and the only thing that would accomplish is making enemies out of all your potential allies and friends.

The chances of you changing anyone’s mind about anything are slim. The odds fall to zero the moment you speak disrespectfully towards them, but the more polite you are, the more kindly they’ll have to view you and your ideology.

Even if you can’t convert them on the spot, you may plant a seed that will germinate later. Regardless, you can still win their respect by treating them with respect and presenting your arguments professionally.

The only person who wins an argument is the one who learns something.

Since you’re unlikely to change people’s minds about anything, and it usually doesn’t really matter whether or not you do, the only thing you stand to gain by arguing is learning something yourself. And since arguments usually happen when both people are half right, the fact that you’re arguing in the first place, probably means you need to learn something. Fighting the other person is the worst way to accomplish that goal.

Accepting responsibility for your actions will get you out of trouble better than making excuses.  

The topic of hundreds, if not thousands, of conversations you’ll have throughout your life will be about how you did something wrong. People tend to instinctively defend themselves when criticized, which is one of the worst things a person can do to themselves. When people say to your face, that you did something wrong, they’re almost always at least half right. Their criticism is like a gift from God, because it warns you what’s wrong with you and tells you what you need to fix, before you suffer any real consequences. Getting defensive and/or fighting the people who try to hold you accountable is like fighting a doctor who is trying to remove the knife you stabbed yourself with.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who make excuses and those who don’t need to. The more excuses you make, the less people will take you seriously. If you want to impress people, then listen to them, and admit when you’re wrong. You might think weaseling out of accountability lets you save face, but it really just makes you look like a weasel. If you accept responsibility for your actions, admit when you’re wrong and fix your flaws, the people you once disappointed will come to look up to you.

 Take advice. 

You can learn how to fix your flaws before they get you in trouble. You probably ask people for advice all the time. The more you bitch about your problems, the more advice people are going to give you whether you want it or not, because that’s the only way they can unburden themselves of the problems you’re dumping on them. People’s advice is rarely 100% true, but it’s also rarely 100% useless. You have nothing to gain by rejecting advice and everything to gain from embracing it.

Don’t give much advice.

Everybody needs advice, but people rarely take it, even when they ask for it. Trying to give someone advice, or expecting them to take it, almost always ends in nothing but frustration for the giver. You’re more likely to burn a bridge than save a life. I’m not saying you should never give people advice. I’m just saying, be aware that you’re playing with fire. If you start to see smoke coming out of the other person’s ears, stop.

Ask for advice. 

People like to give advice, as long as you listen to them and take what they say to heart. It’s flattering and creates a meaningful connection between the confidant and confessor. Plus, it just feels good to help people.

This is convenient, because you need advice. You’re so lost, you don’t even know how lost you are. Everyone around you is a treasure chest of information waiting to be opened. Not asking for advice is leaving money on the table.

Don’t let people constantly dump their problems on you. 

You should try to help whoever you can, because all life is equally valuable. So it’s as good to help others as it is to help yourself. This also means it’s important for you to make the most of your own life, and it’s a waste of your invaluable time and energy to coddle people who just want to bitch about everything with no intention of changing anything.

It doesn’t even help the person with the “apocalypse of the week,” because it enables their parasitic behavior. As long as they have a willing host, they’ll stay an emotionally crippled parasite forever, guaranteeing their trivial problems will always be your emergencies.

People tend to mimic your emotional tone.

Humans learn about the world by mimicking others. Even as adults, we’ll stand up if everyone in the room stands up. It’s almost impossible to frown in a room full of laughing people, and it’s just as hard to laugh in a room full of crying faces.

Behavior is contagious. This doesn’t mean you always act like the last person you spoke too, but you will get swept up in their emotion. For example, if you meet someone who is crying, you’re going to react with sadness. If you someone screams at you, you’re going to want to scream back. When someone shows you kindness and love, you’re probably going to be nice to them.

If you want people to like you and be nice to you, then approach them with happiness and friendship. If you want someone to listen to you, don’t scream at them. If you don’t want people to be stressed out and anxious around you, don’t act like everything is always hopeless.

Everyone uses and reacts to emotional tones differently.

As children, we tend to assume everyone is more or less exactly like us. We reason that if we’re all human, then we must all express emotions the same, but we’re all unique snowflakes when it comes to that. For instance, you’d think you could judge how mad a person is by how loud they raise their voice, but some people shout when they’re not mad, while other people perceive any outburst over a whisper to be apocalyptic.

It’s harder than you’d think to accurately assess people’s emotional state or intentions. So it’s a generally good idea to stay on guard not to let yourself get swept up by people’s emotions. Hear them out while wearing a dumb leopard expression on your face. If there really is an emergency, getting swept up in their hysteria won’t help you fix it. On the same token, don’t shout at people or react to minor inconveniences with excessive emotion. Even if you’re calm in your head, you’re freaking everyone out.

Don’t interrupt.

You’d think it goes without saying not to interrupt people when they’re talking, but it happens every day, because the point of being rude is you don’t think about how your actions affect other people.

Look at conversations from the other person’s point of view. They’re in it for what they can get out of it. They probably feel insecure and want to prove their worth. They’re just hoping someone validates their existence by saying their name and complimenting them. No matter how you look at it, they just want to have an experience that makes them happy.

When you interrupt someone, you may as well stop the whole conversation, point to the person you just interrupted and declare whatever they’re saying isn’t important because they’re not important. Then carry on the conversation.

Nobody deserves to be made to feel unimportant. It’s unjust and will probably make an enemy out of the person you cut down. Plus, observers are more likely to view you as rude, than as the savior of the conversation.

You don’t have to lie to kick it.

Lying to make yourself look better never works in the long run. Eventually people will see what you’re doing and lose respect for you. If they do believe all your outlandish stories, they’ll resent you for making them feel inferior or just for talking about yourself all the time.

People don’t stay friends with the people who impress them the most. They stay friends with the people they’re most comfortable around and don’t have to compete with. If you believe you need to constantly impress your friends, the problem is either in your head, or you need new friends.

Cops, blood, sex and drugs.

If you’re ever in a group that’s either struggling to keep a conversation going, or the topic is boring, ask if anybody has any good stories about themselves or a friend involving cops, blood, sex and/or drugs. You’d be surprised how many stories everyone has involving those topics. They’re as fun to tell as they are to hear. Plus, it creates a meaningful connection with people when they share mildly taboo information about themselves. However, the more formal the social gathering, the more inappropriate it would be to raise these topics.

Always have a few jokes up your sleeve.

Jokes are always enjoyable, but it’s rare to hear one person tell more than five jokes in a single conversation. Anyone can memorize five jokes to have ready. You don’t need to tell a joke in every conversation, and you certainly shouldn’t tell the same five jokes every time you talk. Tell a joke if someone asks, if it’s relevant to the current topic or to bridge a silent gap in conversation. People will like you for it, and your conversation will be more fun.

You are what you talk about.

If all you ever talk about is children’s cartoons, then that’s what your mind will consist of. If all you ever talk about is how angry you are about injustice, you’ll live in a bitterly unjust universe. If all you ever talk about is pop culture, your life will amount to a television commercial. If you spend your whole life bitching about other people, then you fit the definition of a bitch.

If you always speak nicely to people, you’ll feel nice, and you’ll have nice memories to look back on. If you ask everyone for advice, your mind will fill up with superpowers. If you meet people from all over the world and listen to their stories, you internal universe will become as colorful as a Holi festival.

Mind your karma ghosts.

The emotional impact of how you treat people lasts long after you’re gone. If someone walks away from you happy, they’ll probably be nicer to the next person they meet. If someone walks away from you angry, they’ll probably be meaner to the next person they meet. The bigger an impact you have on people, the longer they carry the ghosts of your actions with them. The memory of a single conversation with you could pop up in their mind periodically for the rest of their life, bringing those old feelings back to the surface, like a ghost from the past haunting them.

Your actions have ripple effects that extend across time and space. Every time you make someone feel good, you make the world better. Every time you make someone feel bad, you make the world worse.

Mind your appearance.

The cleaner and more professional you look, the more professionally people will assume they should interact with you. The more sexually attractive you are, the more people will try to woo you and overlook your flaws.

The sloppier you dress, the less seriously people will take you. The more you dress like a stereotypical violent criminal, the more people will be afraid of you. The blander you dress, the less you’ll excite people.

The weirder you look, the more likely people are to reject or dismiss you, which can be a blessing or a curse, because the more you look like the person you’re talking to, the more likely they’ll accept you… and hold you accountable to the cultural standards and values of people who dress like you. In other words, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, but if you don’t want to be held to Roman standards, don’t dress like a Roman, but don’t be surprised when the Romans don’t accept you.

Surround yourself with people who enjoy talking about the same things as you. 

Conversation is an opportunity to learn, have fun and build connections. If you’re constantly bored by the conversations you have with the people in your life, then you probably need to surround yourself with new people who want to talk about the same things as you. Life is too short, and the potential for joy is too great, to spend time with people you don’t find interesting.

Cutting people out of your life doesn’t mean you think you’re better than them. There’s no such thing as “the best people.” There’s just the best people for you. The people you’ll enjoy talking to the most tend to be the ones who share most of your interests as strongly as you.

If you liked this post, you may like these:

Tips on conversation: Part 1

Advice on relationships

Advice on living


Tweets by The Wise Sloth

I haven’t been posting much lately because I’ve been spending 5-10 hours per day working on a book about how to write film scripts using formula plot templates. I still have at least 100 hours of work left on that before I finish it. So it may be another month before I have time to write any blogs. I wanted to post something though. So I exported, cleaned up and pasted all my original tweets from my Twitter feed, which you can subscribe to here: https://twitter.com/the_wise_sloth. I hope it brings you minutes of enjoyment. I’ll be updating my blog as soon as I can, but I promise the book I’m writing will be worth the wait.

the wise sloth

  • If you pay your employees 1/10 of the profit they earn your company per hour, don’t be surprised if they give 1/10 a fuck about your company.
  • A good guy wouldn’t destroy someone’s life because they own a plant, but any cop would.
  • A good guy wouldn’t take all of a poor person’s money because they don’t have a sticker on their car, but any cop would.
  • If it’s important to drug test the janitors on Capitol Hill, it’s important to drug test the people who vote on declarations of war.
  • The only person in the American military who isn’t required to take drug tests is the commander in chief. #OfAllPeople #RoomForOneMore
  • Congress should be held to at least the same standard of testing, tracking and consequences as testing companies hold preteen students to.
  • Lifelong political positions discriminate against young voters by locking in their parents’ generations’ representation in government.
  • If it’s vital that the president be limited to 2 terms, wouldn’t the same reasons apply to every elected position?
  • Some people really like Joe Biden. Other people really like having the most qualified citizens in the highest offices of government.
  • The president picking a vice president is like an ugly girl picking which fat friend she brings to the club to make her look better.
  • Adulting consists mainly of fulfilling contrived responsibilities that exist only because governments, bosses and bankers are exploiting us.
  • Patting yourself on the back is like shaking your dick after peeing. If you do it more than twice, you’re jerking off.
  • If you’re not making time to do the things you love, the reason it feels like you’re not really living is because you haven’t started.
  • When anyone starts jerking themselves off about how smart they are to you, stop them and say, “Hey, we all got supercomputers in our heads.”
  • Everyone knows more about something than anyone else. Nobody knows squat about everything. Our minds are as unique as our faces.
  • Getting defensive and arguing every time someone tries to correct you or give you advice won’t get you as far in life as you seem to think.
  • Rabbits are basically genitals with a digestive system.
  • Those who hold tightest to their beliefs, improve them the least.
  • Your kids will freak out over the same size problems as you, to the same extent as you. Don’t show them how to be a spoiled, whiny bitch.
  • Everyone holds factually inaccurate beliefs. Only those who question their beliefs get to find out which ones are wrong.
  • Would an all-loving God create an eternal paradise for dead bunnies to perpetually eat, poop & hump? Or would there be no reason to bother?
  • The bigger a movement gets, the more idiots join, until the idiots are the majority and have enough power in numbers to define the movement.
  • The 40 hour work week is cripples children, and thus our future, by not giving parents enough time to raise their kids properly.
  • At some point you have to stop bitching about the hand you were dealt and get on with playing the game the best you can with what you got.
  • Voting in America’s 2016 presidential election is tantamount to voting on whether America should go to war with Iran or Mexico.
  • I’m not voting, but if I did, I’d vote for Hillary Clinton, only because I’d prefer the apocalypse she’ll bring to the one Trump would bring.
  • Rent is a system that allows poor people to pay rich people’s mortgages.
  • Debt hurts more Americans than drugs and terrorism combined. If there were a war on debt, the American government would fight on debt’s side.
  • Most major professional organizations have a code of ethics based on safety & respect that didn’t come from religion #EthicsWithoutReligion
  • The 2016 American presidential election isn’t a choice between the lesser of two evils. It’s a choice between two different flavors of evil.
  • You can spend today fretting about what was or is… or you can spend today creating what will be.
  • Everyone can use some extra help from God, but people who think, study and work hard need it much less, if any.
  • Wishful thinking = having faith everything will magically turn out okay. Strength = having faith you can make everything turn out okay.
  • Reading motivational books without reading problem solving books is like putting fuel in your car without knowing how/where/why to drive.
  • Solving your problems takes motivation to enact a solution, but first you need to use problem solving skills to find the solution.
  • Grey Hound charges an $18 “gift fee” if you buy someone a ticket. In other words, they extort you for helping a loved one in need. #greed
  • If the right to vote, work, love, own a gun or live on your own terms can be taken away then they’re not rights. They’re privileges at best.
  • Imagine if social justice warriors put as much effort into fighting hunger, homelessness and slavery as they do sheltering their feelings.
  • If you want your man to do/not do something, bitching at him will get you the bare minimum. A blow job will get you 110%. #LifeHack #Karma
  • If you’re going to spend the next hour or so feeling depressed about how empty and hopeless everything is, do it while exercising. #LifeHack
  • If a God gave us free will, it probably wasn’t with the expectation that we use it to sit around begging God to do everything for us.
  • It’s like anything else… You don’t pray to God to fix your computer. You call a computer tech.
  • God answered all your prayers by giving you a brain to solve your problems with and the hands and feet to implement the solutions.
  • All things are possible to those who turn off the TV, get up off their ass, go do something and never quit.
  • By all means, complain when life sucks, but complain while you’re doing something about it.
  • When things are good, tell yourself they’re good. When things are bad, tell yourself good things are possible.
  • 90% of the time I log into Twitter it says the log in is suspicious & E-mails me a verification code to enter. #NotHelping #IsItJustMe #FWP
  • If your government can withhold or revoke it, then it’s a privilege, not a right.
  • The quality and quantity of art produced by a nation increases with the quality and quantity of drugs available to its artists.
  • Healthy habits aren’t a burden. They’re an opportunity.
  • If America can’t progress because the RNC & DNC can’t work together then the solution is to end the RNC & DNC.
  • A phobia is an irrational fear that negatively affects your life. That’s insanity. Before picking a religion, vet it for irrational fears.
  • We all break most of the rules of most religions constantly. Singling out one taboo and crusading against it is spiritually futile.
  • It’s going to be a big moment in women’s history when Hillary Clinton is the first woman to steal an American presidential election.
  • You can’t become the leader of a democracy by rigging an election, because then it’s not a democracy.
  • You can measure how horrible of a person you are by how small an inconvenience it takes to make you mean.
  • We’re born with potential, not talent. Abnormally high talent comes only from abnormally frequent, persistent study and practice.
  • Renters are as good as indentured servants to their land lords.
  • When a business owner takes home more $ than all the employees who operate the business, that’s slavery.
  • America would feel more like the land of the free if you didn’t get yelled at and punished for not mowing your lawn.
  • It’s not sedition if a politician acts against the will & interest of the people. It is if a person complains about corruption too much.
  • As long as prices are set by supply & demand, the most important things will be the most unaffordable.
  • Businesses call their employees “partners” because they wouldn’t be as proud if their name tag said “wage slave.”
  • Police have unmarked cars so… you can’t spot them coming to serve and protect you?
  • I’d vote for a politician whose goal while in office is to make presidential nominees great again.
  • The higher your hourly wage is than your employees’ or clients’ daily wage, the more you’re responsible for income inequality.
  • 50% of America’s children live in poverty. How many more need to before our political parties are fired?
  • RNC & DNC’s job is to pick the best presidential candidates, and they pick the 2 most egotistical, unethical, divisive celebs. #youhadonejob
  • Fastest way to reduce the number of police shootings: Reduce the number of pointless victimless crimes cops have to engage people over.
  • How to solve all the crises in the Middle East: Every country pays into a fund to turn the Middle East into the world’s largest farm.
  • Austerity creates religions. Luxury kills them. If you’re comfy and happy, you don’t need anyone to sell you hope.
  • Neither Donald Trump or HIllary Clinton can make America great again. Only the American people can do that.
  • Everyone should be eligible to apply for any government position. Why pay for something you’re not allowed to use?
  • There should only be one thing you have to do to become a presidential candidate: Pass the hardest government test MIT can come up with.
  • In 2016 Americans are voting for which apocalypse they want. Your vote is a gun in your mouth. Protest by not voting. Don’t pull the trigger
  • How about the people pick presidential primary candidates, instead of the RNC & DNC, because they fucking suck at it.
  • The government picked the two most polar opposite yet equally vile people for Americans to pick between for president, like they want riots.
  • The way you make your children feel when they’re young is pretty much how they’ll feel when they’re old.
  • Friendly mechanics are psychopaths. They smile at you as they extort you in your time of need so they can have a more luxurious retirement.
  • The more dogmatically you label yourself the good guy and someone else the bad guy, the more capable of evil you become.
  • Donald Trump buys politicians, and Hillary Clinton sells her political power. Together they represent what’s wrong with campaign financing.
  • If your loved ones never call out your flaws, they’re either too horrible to want to help you, or they know you’re too horrible to listen.
  • Don’t ask why some people have so much figured out. Ask yourself what you’ve been doing that’s more important than getting life figured out.
  • Why is wine the only beverage humans have invented snobby rules about how you’re supposed to consume it?
  • God doesn’t give you strength. You give yourself permission to be strong (but deny yourself credit) by convincing yourself God did it.
  • With great power comes great accountability… unless you’re running for president of the United States. That comes with great immunity.
  • Is Hillary Clinton fit to serve in the military, much less lead it? I doubt anyone who’s had a top security clearance (like me) believes so.
  • The FBI found Hillary Clinton guilty of misconduct but cleared her of wrongdoing. This proves the government is ramrodding her into POTUS.
  • Breaking rules a soldier would get an Article 15, demotion and loss of security clearance for disqualifies you from being commander in chief.
  • When the country with the largest prison population celebrates its freedoms, it’s celebrating a delusion.
  • America’s police celebrate America’s freedoms every July 4th by giving tickets to citizens for drinking and using fireworks too liberally.
  • The NSA wished Americans a happy Independence Day yesterday on Twitter. No need to tell them what you wished for. They already know.
  • It defeats the purpose of having a system if the system makes everyone too busy/poor to exercise, eat healthy or have a secure retirement.
  • July 4th is the day Americans are supposed to take time to appreciate their freedoms… even if they’re not free to take that time off work.
  • Democracy is broken in America when the people have to pick between two presidential candidates nobody would have picked to be candidates.
  • I bet Chinese kids who make fireworks look down on American kids, who can’t be trusted to use the fireworks they made, without supervision.
  • Refusing to question rules/orders doesn’t make you morally strong/pure but intellectually weak/lazy.
  • When someone tells you to respect authority, they’re really telling you to embrace subjugation.
  • You don’t hear maggots at the bottom of trash bags asking why life isn’t fair. Well, we’re maggots at the bottom of a cosmic trash bag.
  • Health insurance protects you from extortion if you get sick by extorting you if you stay healthy.
  • If you earn minimum wage, plan to work at least 5 months per year to save towards your landlord’s retirement.
  • If you earn minimum wage, plan to spends 3 months per year working and saving towards your car mechanic’s retirement.
  • It doesn’t prove easy access to guns keeps us safer when a gun bought from Wal-Mart is used to stop a shooter who bought a gun at Wal-Mart.
  • The British defeated the Maoris by selling them guns, which they slaughtered each other with. Corporations did the same thing to Americans.
  • Putting money in a church offering plate doesn’t show God how much you care. It just shows men in expensive clothes how gullible you are.
  • Putting money in a church offering plate doesn’t grease God’s palms, just the clergy’s.
  • Every 4 years the world should donate their Olympic budgets to building a free mega school instead of investing it in sweat and fraud.
  • When the cheapest rent you can find costs at least two weeks of your wages, your politicians aren’t doing their jobs.
  • You can’t become a pro until you’ve made all the rookie mistakes.
  • If you think about the solutions to your problems more than the causes, you’re going to have a better time.
  • In order to stay limber you have to move limber.
  • If you pay rent, you’re effectively an indentured servant to your landlord.
  • If Bernie Sanders can beat Hillary Clinton in the popular vote and still lose, you’d be foolish to think Donald Trump’s polls matter either.
  • The question you should be asking isn’t, “Why are immigrants being let in my country?” but “Why isn’t everyone allowed to go everywhere?”
  • The world’s problems have many seeds, but most of them wouldn’t have grown into banyan trees without being watered thoroughly with poverty.
  • Hospitals give patients bills inflated with insanely high bullshit charges and are surprised when so few customers just don’t pay. #fuckyou2
  • The police are doing a pretty good job at protecting me from illegal robbery. They’re doing a terrible job protecting me from legal robbery.
  • If the US government ever actually makes guns illegal, it won’t be to control gun advocates. It will be to bait them into a civil war.
  • We can accept you being fat, but no amount of social justice awareness can convince your organs to.
  • Any government that selects Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump as its two favorite people has it priorities hopelessly screwed up.
  • Money has no inherent value. Billionaires devote their time to exploiting people, robbing them of their time, to horde the illusion of value
  • They say capitalism isn’t perfect, but it’s the best we’ve got. So I guess we need to replace it with something that’s never been done.
  • If you hate the Quran for saying it’s okay to kill non-Muslims, then you should hate the Torah for saying it’s okay to kill non-Jews.
  • Everyone deserves respect, but the fat acceptance movement is morally equivalent to a smoker’s acceptance movement.
  • If you charge people who drive a $3,000 car, $3,000 for an hour of work. You’re why they’re struggling to survive and can’t have nice things
  • Slaves pick the vegetables you would buy at the grocery store if they weren’t too expensive. That’s how capitalism works.
  • It sucks that whenever there’s a mass shooting, one of the first questions it raises is, “What freedoms will we lose now?”
  • Most Wal Mart workers barely make enough $ to survive. The owners have as much $ as a small country. That’s how trickle down economics works.
  • Knowledge is memorizing a road map of Europe. Wisdom is being able to find the easiest route to Amsterdam.
  • A wise man asks himself what the most important questions are, and then tries to solve them.
  • A man is knowledgeable if he can recite the answers to many questions, but he is a fool if he can’t answer the most important questions.
  • If you find yourself celebrating the deaths of innocent civilians, it’s time to consider you might be one of the bad guys.
  • Uncle Sam lets us to vote on which hand he punches us in the dick with. If we don’t vote, we can’t complain when the decision is made for us
  • You need to forgive yourself, not convince yourself that God has.
  • Personal organizer/planning books and motivational speakers exist to help you manage and cope with your slavery.
  • Obamacare solves the problem of unaffordable healthcare by selling unaffordable insurance that doesn’t cover the cost of healthcare.
  • Americans don’t pick who runs for president, and delegates pick who wins. We don’t choose our presidents. They’re forced on us.
  • “The NRA advocates mutually assured destruction as the best way to guarantee our safety. Their motto should be “Salvation through fear.”
  • Sticking to a decision requires a reason, not will power.
  • American politicians who are against election fraud should be against super delegates, whose sole purpose is to rig elections.
  • Capitalism posits that we can achieve the greatest good by competing with each other for survival instead of cooperating.
  • The less you aspire to learn, the less you will become.
  • Americans don’t suffer and die because there aren’t enough rules, but because there are too many.
  • There are more jobs that don’t pay a living wage than there are that do. That’s now how an economy is supposed to work.
  • When that which is good for the economy isn’t good for the workers, you’ve got the wrong kind of economy.
  • Muhammad Ali punched people in the face for a living. He distracted us from our real problems, which have gotten worse while we zoned out.
  • If Palestinians were gorillas, America would be sending its children to save them.
  • You wouldn’t be arguing if your opponent were willing to listen.Arguing is just a test to see who’ll shout loudest and who’ll give up first.
  • Everyone is smarter than the average person about at least one thing.
  • The more people you correct on chat forums and message boards, the more likely you’re just an arrogant idiot.
  • Memorial Day is the perfect day to ask why America has more prisoners than any other country.
  • Big businesses have more to be thankful for on Memorial day than the average wage slave worker.
  • Today we remember all the striking workers shot by the National Guard and civilians shot by police. Or not.
  • Money should be a luxury, not a necessity.
  • If you value life, then treat it with respect. Boom. Morality explained.
  • You don’t need a religious book to prove life is valuable. Humans knew that before we taught ourselves how to speak.
  • Anyone who educates themself is a hero.
  • Your favorite show is the least important thing happening in the world.
  • If you can’t vote directly on how 100% of your taxes are spent, then you don’t own your government. It owns you.
  • A country only cares about its people as much as it cares about its prisoners.
  • When wine connoisseurs talk about the do’s and don’ts of drinking wine, I think, “Man, I don’t try to tell you how you should use ketchup.”
  • The poorer you are, the more people you know who hate their jobs. The richer you are, the more people you know who take 2 hour lunch breaks.
  • Paying five year’s wages for a life saving operation is the epitome of extortion.
  • Doctors give you life via medicine and surgery then take it away via bills.
  • Strip malls are the new cotton fields.
  • I’m writing a blog attempting to define what art is. Trying to describe a meta mind-fuck is taxing my brain.
  • The Bible doesn’t say, “If you want to be perfect, oppress gays.” It says, “If you want to be perfect, give away everything you own.”
  • The bigger the ego, the smaller the mind.
  • Your tax dollars would keep you a lot safer if the government paid for all your groceries instead of putting patrol cars on every street.
  • I hope the next version of Windows comes with a feature that let’s you turn off Windows rearranging your desktop icons all the time.
  • Either the Iraq war was started by dumb people screwing up or smart people being evil. Either way, America needs a better political system.
  • I worry Disney makes all their heroes royalty because they want us to glorify rulers & believe we’re royal too, not the slaves we really are
  • I worry how much work will be left for authors when Google’s A.I. learns how to write books.
  • There’s a special place in Hell for whoever decided to charge for parking at hospitals.
  • Not being able to afford to survive is a more imminent threat to Americans than terrorism. The source of that problem is in Washington DC.
  • What you want your government to be like matters more than what your forefathers wanted their government to be like.
  • If welfare can pay more than a job, that’s not a sign we live in a welfare state. It’s a sign we live in a slave state.
  • Every time you talk about the latest dead celebrity, you distract attention and dialogue away from the world’s real problems.
  • When your government takes away your freedoms for your own good, they’re taking the position that freedom is no good.
  • Banks are too big to fail. The poor are set up to fail.
  • Every time you leave a black spot on someone else, you leave a black spot on your soul/psyche.
  • The cuter an animal is, the more likely humans are to put it in a cage.
  • The only person who really wins in an argument is the one who learns something.
  • America isn’t designed to set you up for retirement. It’s designed to set you up for bankruptcy.
  • If you have to worry about the police protecting you from yourself, you’re not free.
  • The TSA would help more people if it sold its scanners and bought farm land and paid its staff to farm and give free food to the poor.
  • Poor Americans live in greater daily fear of the threat of starvation than the threat of terrorism.
  • America tried to use a winner-take-all voting system to represent the will of a nation so diverse it’s known as “the great melting pot.”
  • You are what you eat. If you eat processes food, you will become cancerous.
  • I feel like it’s only a matter of time before Microsoft starts selling advertising space on your boot up and log in screens.
  • If you want to feel free then think of police quotas as freedom quotas.
  • You’ll be told America is the land of the free until you try to enter one of its national parks. Then you’ll be told to pay up or piss off.
  • It’s hard to get high on life when life is the suburbs.
  • America’s military will fight anyone who tries to take away Americans’ freedoms… everyone except employers. Then they back ’em.
  • Quickest way to make a Christian happy: Let them try to convert you. Quickest way to make a Christian angry: Try to convert them.
  • If you must have faith in someone, have faith in someone who questions their own ideas, not someone who threatens you for questioning them.
  • America has a drug epidemic because it has a hopelessness epidemic.
  • I have the freedom of speech and religion! Can’t wait to exercise them when bills don’t have me chained to my day job.
  • Poor Americans live with more fear than freedoms.
  • Building a $25 billion garden would solve more problems than building a $25 billion wall between America and Mexico.
  • The Earth doesn’t have enough resources to sustain an economy in which everything you consume comes in a bag and a box.
  • If you still have to go to work when you’re sick, you don’t live in the land of the free.
  • The true value of a company isn’t determined by its stock price but by the quality of life of its employees and customers.
  • 1 Timothy 6: “All who are under the yoke of slavery should consider their masters worthy of full respect.” That’s in the Bible.
  • Someone who plans to use anything you say against you in a court of law is not there to serve and protect you.
  • If your life feels like a rat race, then you don’t live in the land of the free.
  • The less alcohol you drink, the better your body will feel when you’re sober.
  • There are millions of people who have never eaten anything that didn’t come out of a bag or a box. #notmyutopia
  • Network with fools and you’ll reap with fools. Network with succeeders and you’ll reap with succeeders.
  • The more your political candidate blames the nation’s problems on a minority group, the more you should compare them to historical tyrants.
  • The more your leaders say you should be obedient to their ideology the more you should question them.
  • Suburbia is the perfection of for-profit prisons.
  • Let’s everyone (except the homeless, prisoners, soldiers, slaves, refugees, and terminally ill) celebrate another apocalypse-free year.
  • If you’re always bitching it’s because you’re always looking for things to bitch about.
  • I know a guy who had a warrant issued for his arrest for not mowing his lawn. #landofthefree
  • If you join the military, never forget that you’re fighting to defend a $7.25 minimum wage.
  • Holding other people accountable for how you feel disempowers you and burdens them.
  • If you have time to bitch about other people, you have time to do anything else that doesn’t waste your time being petty and negative.
  • Christmas is about pretending it’s about love or religion while you’re really just being a gullible consumer whore who is in denial.
  • No one but you is responsible for you throwing a tantrum.
  • Strange that Jesus supposedly came to Earth to save humanity, yet he endorsed slavery. #notmysavior
  • The more expensive of a car you drive to church the more you’re defeating the purpose.
  • I think it was Jesus who said, “If you want treasure in Heaven, then go, sell all your church’s multimedia equipment and give to the poor.”
  • There’s a direct correlation between how much a person looks at things from others’ point of view and their tendency to kindness/hurtfulness
  • How do you spot a consumer whore? By all the Star Wars merchandise they own.
  • Everyone knows something you don’t, even the greatest fool you loath.
  • Why is it that the most entitled, spoiled, bitchy customers are always either the richest or the poorest customers?
  • Friends playing on their phones around you is either a sign technology is tearing us apart or Candy Crush is just more interesting than you.
  • The slogan of every subdivision and strip mall construction company should be: “Building an unsustainable tomorrow, today.”
  • Capitalism doesn’t hate socialism and communism because they’re a threat to mankind but because they’re a threat to executives’ profits.
  • You can get your video game character to level 60 or your real self in real life to level 60. Pick one.
  • If you have time to talk about what you’re going to do, then you have time to do it.
  • Any store that sells cigarettes will gladly kill you for money.
  • It takes less time to be calm than it does to panic.
  • What if life is just God’s television?
  • TV commercials are just sales pitches from con artists.
  • Let’s hope and pray people stop believing in mythologies.
  • If your religious beliefs aren’t based on reality then you deserve to be treated like you believe in mythology.
  • I served in the U.S. Air Force from 2000-2007. Don’t thank me for my service. Americans lost freedoms on my watch.
  • All of tomorrow’s geniuses are stubborn idiots today.
  • If you want to turn a bad person good, educating them is far more effective than scaring them.
  • Most of the largest nations in the world have troops fighting in the Middle East. Isn’t that the definition of World War 3?
  • You’ve learned something everywhere you’ve been. If you don’t write it down, it’s only a matter of time until you forget.
  • I wish Hollywood would make a dating advice show starring Danny Trejo.
  • Ideas should be questioned to death, not defended to the death.
  • Let’s just eliminate university and make public high school 4 years longer. It’ll be cheaper, and we’d get a better education.
  • God isn’t cruel. The universe just doesn’t revolve around you or us.
  • Companies that are big enough to fund every congressperson’s career are too big to fail.
  • Imagine if we all loved each other as much as we love our pets.
  • Success requires energy. Does your lifestyle boost or drain your energy? There might be a correlation.
  • There is no problem that can’t be solved without being an ass hole.
  • Labor Day isn’t a celebration of freedom. It’s a distraction from the reality that we’re all wage slaves.
  • Every city in the world has opportunities that only exist there and nowhere else. Take advantage of yours.
  • Sending people to jail for using drugs is like shooting them in the face to protect them from shooting themselves in the foot.
  • The amount you are more or less stupid then anyone else is fractions of a degree.
  • Maybe the U.S.A. shouldn’t have more citizens in prison than any country in the world.
  • The Baby Boomers didn’t start the fire, but they kept it burning bright. Then my generation took the torch obediently and enthusiastically.
  • Nobody you knew yesterday is the same person today.
  • The less you stretch and use your muscles the more they’ll hurt.
  • Repetitive pains in peoples’ bodies are usually caused by their repetitive lifestyle.
  • The more you ask yourself what’s most important in life, the better you’ll understand that and live accordingly.
  • If you have a good reason to be mean to someone, it doesn’t mean you’re justified. It means you’re great at justifying being an asshole.
  • If you’re afraid of your police then you probably don’t live in the land of the free.
  • Christianity summarized:Obey God. Have faith in Him or He kills you. He loves you. Ask anything, but don’t expect a reply. Give Him money.
  • The Bible hasn’t lasted for centuries because it passes the test for truth. It lasted so long because it forbids you from questioning it.
  • If you’re going to gamble your money away, the stock market is way more exciting than lottery tickets.
  • If you meet a dragon, don’t have a fire- breathing contest with it.
  • Most car accidents happen within 10 miles of people’s home because most people can’t afford to drive more than 10 miles away from home.
  • When Americans aren’t in prison they have more than twice the space at home.
  • The question isn’t, what does it mean when someone tells you they love you. The question is, what do they mean when they say, “I love you.”
  • The better you are at making people happy, the more the world will be your oyster.
  • If life doesn’t give you excuses to be happy, you just have to do it yourself or be miserable forever.
  • When a few people are stressed and pissed, change a few things. When most people are, change the fundamentals.
  • Thinking is as important to your immediate survival as exercising. In the long run it’s more important.
  • The Bible is against homosexuality and adultery, but you will never ever hear a Christian rail against adulterers marrying. Ever.
  • The more you tell people how much smarter you are than most people, the more likely you’re just dumb and arrogant.
  • Step one of everything you will ever do is to love yourself.
  • When you drink and smoke to celebrate life you celebrate life by killing yourself and lowering your potential to make the most out of life.
  • I sometimes wonder: If God exists, did God create everything just to see some good artwork, hear some good music, have some great sex, etc.?
  • If you want your lover to live, work and love you to their fullest, then build them up constantly. If you want the opposite, tear them down.
  • Every human’s quality of life is directly proportional to the number of humans who are in a lifelong quest for truth and knowledge.
  • Your lover doesn’t listen to you when you shout at them because they’re deafened by the sound of you fucking up your relationship.
  • The more mistakes you make doing something, the more qualified you become to master that thing.
  • Cussing people out on the internet proves nothing except that you desperately need to take a conflict resolution class.
  • If you think people who aren’t like you should emigrate, you should petition your government to make emigration not damn near impossible.
  • The more you talk about movies and celebrities, the more you distract from the problems you watch movies to escape from in the first place.
  • If you believe in God and want to thank Him/Her/It for helping you in your time of need, then help someone else. Words are just lip service.
  • Nobody replies to your Facebook posts asking who your real friends are because they unfollowed you for posting dumb shit all the time.
  • Ignorance of sex is more dangerous than sex.
  • Believing in things there is no evidence for doesn’t make you open minded. It makes you gullible.
  • Ask your Christian friends to explain Leviticus 19: 20-22 to you.
  • If God is everything, then God is experiencing what we are. Think about that next time you’re mean to someone.
  • Life’s tough. Life’s tougher when you get furious over semantics.
  • The more paranoid your lover is of you cheating on them, the more likely they’re already cheating on you.
  • You won’t find total peace in sobriety, but you will find far less peace in addiction.
  • Constantly listen to old songs that your brain already associates with previous experiences and thoughts? You may be living in the past.
  • “I did the best I could,” is usually an excuse used by people who didn’t do the best they could.
  • How do atheists know which rules to follow? The same way Christians know which rules in the Bible not to follow.
  • Oh my God! You’re a real vampire! Said no dentist ever.
  • Everyone is partly good & bad. You can choose to focus/dwell on either side. Both are right, but beware where both paths lead you.
  • You can’t improve your relationship by bitching.
  • America should change its slogan from “the land of the free” to “arbeit macht frei.”
  • The more time you put into thinking about things that make you sad and angry, the sadder and angrier you’ll probably be.
  • The more effort you put into thinking about things that make you happy and inspire you, the happier and more inspired you’ll probably be.
  • The Bible says divorce is evil because women are property. If you don’t believe in slavery, there’s no Biblical reason not to get divorced.
  • Every soldier who ever died, died in vain every time a cop punishes a tax payer for a victimless crime.
  • The more you believe that tearing down a customer service employees is justified, the bleaker of a person you probably are inside.
  • If you don’t have a plan how you’re going to make life better for yourself, it won’t.
  • If you can find out where a person came from and where they want to go, then you can predict what they’ll likely do in-between.
  • The best competitors show up to very few competitions you compete in. Sometimes bad competitors win because they’re the only people there.
  • Poisoning yourself constantly is a great way to weaken your immune system.
  • If America were the land of the free nobody would have to work 40 hours per week or die homeless.
  • I don’t know why people riot, but I have noticed that I un-oppressed people rarely do.
  • “I did the best I could,” is usually an excuse used by people who didn’t do the best they could.
  • Machines designed specifically to kill people don’t kill people. People kill people with machines designed specifically to kill people.
  • Writer = idea maker + communicator.
  • Each thought only comes around once a lifetime. Unless no part of you cares about them being lost/remembered, write them down. Last chance.
  • The more angry someone is at you, the less likely you’re at fault and the more likely you’re a victim of them projecting.
  • You probably think about the same few topics occasionally, every day. You may want to spend more time asking what topics are more important
  • The most productive way to be in love with your lover isn’t to be as infatuated as possible with them as all the time.
  • If you had shitty parents, you should seek therapy. If you know someone who had shitty parents, they should seek therapy.
  • Bragging is far more likely to convince people you’re a pompous ass than a bad ass.
  • You’ll almost always be swamped with important, pressing issues. Festering over people who wronged you ages ago is never a priority.
  • You won’t find total peace in sobriety, but you will find far less peace in addiction.
  • Someone who isn’t thinking rationally won’t come to a rational conclusion even if you serve it to them on a silver platter.
  • The difference between confident and cocky is that the first means, “I got it covered.” The second says, “I’m better than you.”
  • Every time you’re rude to someone you burn a bridge to an ally.
  • If you’ve got time to come up with excuses, you’ve got time to come up with solutions.
  • You can measure how horrible you’re capable of being by adding up all the situations where you believe being mean to others is justified.
  • The more you complain about a problem, the less you’re probably doing anything about it.
  • The sources of people’s unhappiness are usually found in their lifestyle. If you’re unhappy, that’s where your life probably needs change.
  • Tyranny cannot exist unless good people uphold bad laws in the name of duty and patriotism.
  • You can measure how unfulfilling your country is by how much television you watch.
  • If you think the world is divided between “us and them,” I guarantee you’re one of them.
  • If more than 2 people have called you an asshole, it’s probably because you are.
  • The more times you use the word “fuck” in an argument, the less favorable the outcome is likely to be for you.
  • The more often you brag about how smart you are, the more wrong you probably are.
  • Children need and want answers just as much as adults, but all they get from adults are mythologies and psychotic cartoons. #farfromutopia
  • In case you didn’t learn this in elementary school, the secret to long life is keeping all your organ systems healthy all the time.
  • The future matters more than the past.
  • Marriage is more dangerous than driving. You should have to take a 6 month marriage education course before getting a marriage license.
  • If America is a land “of the people, by the people, for the people,” then why is it a gruesome fucking rat race?
  • To better understand why you are the way you are, ask your parents to explain in detail what your life was like between ages 1-5.
  • In nobody’s utopia do people fear the police. In everyone’s dystopia the general public fears the police. #howareyourpolice?
  • If there is no afterlife then we were created to be a spectacle or because mortality is more precious than we understand.
  • “When a real estate agent says: “”Are you a first time home buyer?” What a real estate agent means: “Are you a first time debt prisoner?”
  • If you can organize a country to vote for a president every 4 years then you can organize a country to vote on important issues every year.
  • When you don’t bring up the problem in the room you become part of the problem. Do something long enough and you’ll come to accept/defend it
  • The biggest problem in the world right now is that not enough people are talking enough about the biggest problems in the world enough.
  • Kids, don’t get too excited about getting into the adult world and being treated like an adult. You never stop getting treated like a kid.
  • If you think poor people are all lazy and irresponsible, consider that majority of people on Earth are poor. Maybe the problem is systemic.
  • Every time a cop gives a ticket to meet a quota they defeat the purpose of police existing.
  • It’s not that young people don’t know what they want to do with their lives. It’s that they don’t know which shit job they should settle for
  • You are what you eat. In possibly unrelated news, you’re probably also going to die of cancer.
  • If America is the land of the free, then those must be freedom fines, freedom fees and freedom tickets I keep getting.
  • Making cars wait as you walk across the road all slow and gangsta lets strangers know you’re selfish, petty and insecure, not tough.
  • Crushing people’s hand when you shake it is a great way to let people know you have to make a dick waving competition out of everything.
  • Nothing was ever built on excuses.
  • Nobody wants you to impress them. They just want you to entertain and flatter them.
  • No problem has ever been solved or improved by alcohol.
  • Hurting someone all the time trains them to feel hurt and angry all the time.
  • If someone is mean to you because you did something wrong, it’s not because you did something wrong; its because they’re mean.
  • Surrounding yourself with good people is like cheating at life. Surrounding yourself with bad people is like cheating at failure.
  • Everyone who’s opinion of you, you worry about, will die one day. Then their opinion won’t matter one damn bit, as it never did.
  • If your lover acts obsessively possessive, suspicious and jealous, they’re cheating on you. I guarantee it.
  • There’s no point arguing with people who value winning more than truth, which in my experience, is most people.
  • The word “theology” is just “mythology” rebranded to not sound exactly like what it really is.
  • Disregarding useful advice just because the person giving it is a fool or a hypocrite is foolishness. You can learn something from anyone.
  • An honest history book would call The Spanish Inquisition, The Christian Inquisition and The Crusades, The Christian Wars.
  • If it’s a sin to question your government then it’s a sin to fix corruption.
  • It takes every cop and soldier working together with the best of intentions to prop up a corrupt government.
  • Poverty isn’t an accidental byproduct of capitalism. It’s 99% of the point.
  • If you base one iota of your identity around your affiliation with a pro sports team, you’re a woefully gullible consumer whore.
  • The rich terrorize and hurt more poor people everyday than the most extreme Jihadist could ever hope to achieve.
  • The more you don’t want to hear you’re wrong, the more you’re probably wrong.
  • If you’ve never asked yourself what you would do with your free time if you won the lottery then you may not have defined your destiny.
  • You learn and grow more from listening than from talking.
  • Obsessing over how much you’re worth squanders time you could spend getting on with your life.
  • If you’re always angrily proving you’re right, you’re probably actually angrily defending your misconceptions.
  • Chronic drug use is not a recipe for chronic stress relief. It’s a recipe for chronic cell death.
  • Everybody who knows you knows what’s wrong with you, but they won’t tell you because they know you won’t listen.
  • Not being able to see or think straight is your body’s way of telling you that you’re killing it with poison.
  • Just because you haven’t done something doesn’t mean you can’t do that thing.
  • Everybody doesn’t have what it takes to make it in a cut-throat economy. So maybe we shouldn’t have a cut-throat economy.
  • If someone accuses you of doing something bad and you get aggressively defense, you’re not looking at the situation from their point of view.
  • If your solution to an interpersonal problem involves you being a dick head, it’s going to backfire. I guarantee it.
  • A government capable of building roads for all its tax payers is capable of building homes for all its tax payers.
  • Monthly bills didn’t exist until humans made them. If humans are can make the Internet we should be able to make a world without bills.
  • Reality is bigger than the culture you were raised in.
  • Rules were invented to serve people, not the other way around.
  • Part of growing up is learning to bring closure to bad memories without the involvement of the people who gave you those memories.
  • If someone tells you that you fucked up, there’s more than a 50% chance they’re not completely wrong.
  • If you can’t figure out a better way to respond to anger than with hatred… You’re obviously not trying .
  • If you go to a job interview in America, don’t say, “I’m a creative thinker.” Instead, say, “I love to work.” They want slaves, not thinkers
  • When you get bored, clean your house. You need to do it anyway. You have the time, and you’ll feel good about it afterwards.
  • You’re more likely to succeed as an author by writing 100 books that are 90% perfect than writing 1 book that is 100% perfect.
  • Believing in Christianity doesn’t require faith without evidence. It requires denial of overwhelming evidence. #christianityismythology
  • Everyone detests arrogant people. Know that when you walk around acting like you’re better than everyone…everyone is looking down on you.
  • You can only be mean to someone so many times before they act mean back to you. Same goes with being kind.
  • The more you celebrate your lover the more they’ll celebrate you. The more you disparage your lover the more they’ll disparage you.
  • Only a gullible fool or someone who doesn’t want you to know a truth would tell you skepticism is a character flaw.
  • For every 1 thing you tell your lover you don’t like about them, tell them 1,000 things you do like about them.
  • I’m not saying don’t help people. Just be aware that giving people constructive criticism is more likely to piss them off than help them.
  • If you hate yourself, your life is going to suck no matter what… until you deal with why you hate yourself.
  • The reason you have unexplainable muscle pains is because you do the same things with your body every day.
  • Your day will probably be as wonderful as you are.
  • Most poor people aren’t poor because they’re lazy. They’re poor because rich people horded all the money and created a false scarcity.
  • Cheating is just taking the shortest path from Point A to Point B. This rule applies to accomplishing goals with imposed limits,not fidelity
  • Your dreams are waiting for you to stop making excuses.
  • If you could learn anything, what would you learn? If you’re not already learning it, why aren’t you?
  • “What’s important in life?” you ask. Well, keep asking yourself that for the rest of your life, and hope your answer isn’t totally wrong.
  • Learn something new every day and it’s only a matter of time until you become a better person… especially if you learn important things.
  • Knowledge is just retaining rote facts. Wisdom is finding/deducing rote facts that help you accomplish the most important goal in life.
  • If you do one thing all day, every day, it’s only a matter of time until you become professionally good at that thing.
  • Neanderthals probably went extinct because Homo Sapiens committed genocide… which would probably make a pretty cool movie.
  • It’s harder to appreciate life when you’re poisoning your body everyday.
  • The cure for lethargy is activity.
  • Control your thoughts and you control your destiny. What’s more important than your destiny? .
  • Don’t expect life to just calm you down,center and focus your attention everyday.If you don’t consciously do that yourself it won’t happen.
  • You could hold on tightly to all the regrets, grievances and pains of your past forever… but what would be the point?
  • Everyone deserves a second chance, but be aware that almost nobody ever changes.
  • The people who hurt you in the past don’t exist anymore… and neither do the people they hurt.
  • Whatever tone of voice you use with someone, they’ll probably use the same one back.
  • My blog shows me the words people Google before clicking my blog. Every week someone asks the internet, “Why am I surrounded by idiots?”
  • My blog, “How to go down on a girl” gets about 5,000 hits per month. “How to go down on a guy” gets about 900. I find this interesting.
  • America has over 2 million prisoners (mostly nonviolent drug offenders)… who all wish someone was fighting for their freedom.
  • The biggest problem in most people’s lives is their lack of problem solving skills.
  • The latest pope is doing a terrible job of pretending to have a direct connection with the creator of the universe.
  • I wish someone would make a horror movie about giant cats with snake fangs or dogs with shark heads.
  • A lack of faith in the unproven is not a character flaw. Not rigorously scrutinizing things before believing them is.
  • Women are more likely to talk about how men should love them despite their weight than they are to talk about how much they love fat guys.
  • If you drink and smoke every day… that’s probably all you’ll ever be able to afford to do.
  • Having a bad day is not a valid excuse to be hurtful to other people. But any 10 year old could have told you that.
  • Your body is 98% water.You’re a walking waterfall. Everything your body does uses water.Drink 2 liters of water daily or die sick.
  • We should replace the phrase on the American dollar, “In God we trust,” with “God save the poor from the rich.”
  • When someone says, “I’ll pray for you.” What they’re really saying is, “I’ll do nothing for you while being self-righteous about it.”
  • Imagine what the world would be like if the masses got as worked up over poverty (or any issue that matters) as they do over sports.
  • Most important thing happening in America today: A few brain damaged rich guys are carrying a ball back and forth between two lines.
  • When you watch television you pass up opportunities to succeed at life by investing your time watching other people succeed at life.
  • If you choose to bail someone out every time they screw up, their problems will always be your problems and yours alone.
  • An apology is not a substitute for changing bad behavior.
  • In a world where everything costs money, it stings to go anywhere or do anything.
  • You’d be surprised what people will give you sometimes if you just ask.
  • How do Atheists know which rules to follow? The same way Christians know which rules in the Bible not to follow.
  • There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who have an excuse for everything, and those who don’t have to make excuses.
  • Smart men started The War in Iraq, which only accomplished destabilizing the middle east. Makes you wonder if that was the whole point.
  • Our soldiers have been protecting our freedoms by killing foreign goat herders while our police and politicians take our freedoms away.
  • As a veteran,I feel sick and guilty when Americans thank me for “fighting” for their freedom.You lost freedoms on my watch.
  • If someone pushes you down, it’s their fault you’re down. If you don’t do everything you can to get up, it’s your fault you’re still down.
  • Republicans won’t stand to hear anyone saying one unkind word about America or its leaders… unless you say all the hateful things they do.
  • This is what I think everytime I hear someone say the minimum wage is too high or shouldn’t exist: http://t.co/A5cM8AaNEQ
  • Women, you don’t have to manipulate men to do what you want. Just give him a blowjob. He’ll do whatever you want and love you more too.
  • Trying something new is usually preferable to doing something old. Even if you don’t like it, you still learn something new. That’s winning.
  • Capitalism defines the value of human life as being equal to the least amount of money the most desperate person will work for to survive.
  • If you only care about yourself, you don’t give other people much reason to care about you. In fact, you give them good reason not to.
  • Packaged foods that takes longer than a year to expire are basically M.R.E.’s and should only be eaten in emergency survival situations.
  • Statistically speaking, you should be gravely concerned about your inability to accept responsibility for your actions.
  • How to be an adult: Realize that your age has no bearing on how much other people should respect you or how much you should respect them.
  • How to be an adult: Don’t get hurt, defensive and belligerent when someone informs you you’re wrong about something. Instead, say thank you.
  • Why are promiscuous men called studs while promiscuous women are called sluts? That’s because women shame their competition while men don’t
  • Some people say it’s inherently immoral to criticize religion… but nobody says its wrong to criticize mythology. #allreligionismythology
  • If you’re going to spend money on anything, buy good shoes and a good bed. You’ll spend half your life in one, and half in the other.
  • If you play the song “Let It Go” from Disney’s “Frozen” while watching internet porn, the lyrics will sync with the action every time.
  • 99% of men masturbate. That’s 99% of the men you’ve shaken hands with.
  • Shortest explanation of USA politics: Most elected politicians are professional campaigners who work almost exclusively for their donors.
  • I bet Thomas Edison, Ben Franklin, and Isaac Netwon would be happy that their work led to the Internet, which is mainly used to share porn.
  • Jesus came to earth with infinite cosmic power… which he used to make more booze without having to run to the store or pay for it.
  • When Jesus said, “He who is without sin, throw the first stone…” He was criticizing the law… the infallible, divine law that HE wrote.
  • First God says to kill fornicators. Then God comes to Earth to save the world by impregnating a virgin. Way to make your job harder, God.
  • Shortest summary of the Bible: God used to be a blood snorting psychopath, but he killed himself and snorted his own blood. Now God is love.
  • I’ve watched excuses ruin more people’s lives than anything else.

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