Category Archives: Lists

Deep Tweets by The Wise Sloth #4

When you’re learning a skill, don’t worry about failing. Just worry about not quitting.

Typically, you can’t be drunk and working towards self-actualization at the same time.

The less sober you are, the less focused on fulfilling the meaning of your life you are.

If you’re thinking of quirky ways to offer your employees conditional bonuses, it’s probably because you don’t pay them what they deserve.

The longer we debate/compare Capitalism, Socialism and Communism, the less time we spend designing a new system tailored to today’s needs.

A day you don’t teach yourself knowledge that helps you achieve your ultimate goal, is a day wasted.

The more someone hates you, the more likely you and them are both partially right.

The more you believe that only the natives in your country deserve to live and work there, the less you believe all humans are one family.

The more you shit test your lover, bitch at them and tear them down, the more threatened you should feel by sex robots. #theredpill

Every time you watch dumb TV shows or listen to dumb music, you vote for the world being dumb. Ultimately, that’s a vote for extinction.

The more you hate a group of people, the more you should question the motives of the people who warned you about that group… regardless.

The office building you dream about paradise from used to be paradise before an office building was built on it.

The more passionately you defend your beliefs, the more passionately you should question your beliefs.

The more you believe your culture should be imposed on the entire world, the more likely you’re a gullible follower in a terroristic cult.

The more you try to make your lover feel guilty, the more you fail at being a good lover.

If you didn’t compliment your lover today, you failed at being a good lover today.

If you didn’t tell your lover how much you value them today, you failed at being a good lover today.

The more you believe God ordained that your culture should be practiced on the land you were born on, the more gullible you probably are.

The more you believe that people who aren’t exactly like you are the root of your country’s problems, the more gullible you probably are.

The more you devote your life to policing other people’s sex lives, the less you devote your life to policing deadly human rights abuses.

I’m not saying, “Don’t challenge other people’s beliefs,” but you’d improve the world more by challenging your own beliefs.

The more you believe victimless crimes should be policed by the government, the less you believe in freedom.

In January 2017, Texas made it illegal to have a 3rd break light out. If this was for safety, all vehicles would be required to have them.

“Socialism = employee ownership of businesses with profit sharing

Socialism does not = nationalizing businesses to create a welfare state”

If you haven’t sold everything you own and given it all to the poor, don’t tell me you’re a Christian.

If the politicians and the media didn’t divide America into “left” and “right,” nobody else would.

I predict that by 2020, the price of literally everything you buy will include a “service charge” and/or “processing fee.”

If you argue that anyone who is anti-Trump is anti-America, then you must argue that anyone who is anti-Obama is anti-America. #trump

It’s cool that the poor live better than ever before, but getting hung up on that fact ignores that they still live in perpetual fear.


Your employees might have more pride in your company if you gave them paychecks they can feel proud of.

CNN being an embarrassment of a news outlet doesn’t change the fact that Donald Trump is an embarrassment of a president. #cnnblackmail

Don’t expect people you’re not nice to, to be nice to you.

Every American who hates immigrants, doesn’t tell the waiter at their favorite authentic Asian and Mexican food restaurants about it.

The Hollywood movie plot outline structure 

Charisma is a virtue, but the more intoxicatingly charismatic your leader is, the more likely they’re a sociopath and you’re gullible.

The more involved with a religious organization you are, the more useful it will be to you to study the red flags of cults and mythology.

Life won’t get better for the majority until sharing is more mainstream than greed.

You have more to gain by disproving your argument than by disproving your enemy’s.

Science is just theories, but religion is just mythology.

Religious people are like alcoholics. They can be functioning but not fully functioning.

If you’ve never Googled, “how to think objectively, reasonably and/or logically,” the evidence says you should assume you can’t…but should

TV shows with commercials are tantamount to commercials for commercials.

If you have to worry about your government taking away your access to health care, patriotism might be more suicidal than virtuous.

How much longer can we pretend Donald Trump is a real president? And by “we,” I mean, “Donald Trump.”

Stories are like Celtic knots. You can make good ones without planning, but there’s a limit to the elegance you can achieve. #writing

If you find yourself reluctantly admitting you were wrong about Trump being great, consider you were wrong about G. W. Bush being great also

Tales from The Wise Sloth: My UFO story 

Justifying hurting people is always justifying being one of the bad guys.

The more you think you know, the less it proves you do.

Nobody would know technology is tearing us apart, if technology hadn’t connected us.

The more famous you become, the less accurately you’ll be remembered.

You can overcome the punches the world throws at you. When you beat yourself up, you don’t have a fighting chance.

It’s surprising how many times you can have an excuse that sounds perfect on paper but doesn’t really apply or mean shit in reality.

Just because you took a class in college doesn’t mean you know shit about shit.

High schools really need to teach classes on defining and maintaing your self-worth.

I predict in 2020 Elizabeth Warren will beat Paul Ryan to be the U.S. president. Then she’ll change America about as much as Obama did.

Whoever told you not to ask questions and be skeptical probably also told you to give them money.

I’m ready for politicians to declare war on bills.

Any story of God coming to Earth in human form that involves God making booze for a party was probably written solely by humans.

If God is all-powerful and wants to forgive us, he never needed to sacrifice himself to himself before he could allow himself to forgive us.

It’s not mature to learn how to follow orders if you’re taught to obey psychopathic , sociopathic, greedy, megalomaniac, idiot leaders.

You’ll never be able to live in your dream home because you spent it building the dream homes of your favorite businesses’ owners.

Why hasn’t Hollywood made a TV series about a redneck MacGuyver yet? Emphasis on the word, “yet.”

It’s only a matter of time until we see a movie about Google inventing an artificial intelligence based on the internet’s hive mind.

Think about about how “successfully” L. Ron Hubbard invented his own religious cult. Then imagine what Alex Jones could accomplish.

Watching/waiting for politicians to do something right is slower and more exhausting than watching software installation progress bars. Sad.

When politicians tell you someone is coming to kill your family, it’s to distract you from noticing someone who is coming to take your money

You can’t come up with good ideas without coming up with bad ideas in the process.

Thinking about good things generally makes you feel good. Thinking about bad things generally makes you feel bad.

When I watched “Cool as Ice” at a drive-in movie theater, I didn’t know how old saying that would make me sound some day.

If you’ve ever heard of the town, Paris, TX and wonder what it’s like, I can tell you from experience, it’s the red neck Twilight Zone.

Invent a game like “Magic: The Gathering,” except instead of battling monsters, you do/learn what it takes to succeed in relationships.

If we need soldiers to be able to get dishonorable discharges, it must be more important for politicians to be subject to the same standard.

Don’t die without having told as many people as possible the most important knowledge you learned in your life.

Whenever someone says you have to give them a yes or no answer right now, say no.


It’s amazing how bad of a person you can be when you convince yourself you’re a ideal person.

Everyone is: 1.Insane 2. A child 3. So lost they don’t know how lost they are. When you understand that, dealing with people gets easier

If you’re not reading or listening to new knowledge daily, then don’t expect yourself to become much less idiotic.

The angrier you behave on the internet, the more you need to talk to a therapist about your past traumas.

FYI: Just because you had a child doesn’t mean you’re an adult.

It shouldn’t surprise you that Billionaires make bad presidents. All their professional experience revolves around exploiting the public.

Just once I’d like a politician to declare war on bullshit charges in bills like “processing fees,” “service fees,” etc.

I wish every page, video, picture and audio file on the internet had a button on it that lets you rank its quality and usefulness.

In a perfect world we would have instructional classes in school on dating, sex and masturbation.

Unless your goal is throwing away allies, you’re not winning anything by being mean to strangers.

The meaner your leadership philosophy is, the more you’re going to inspire your team to hate you and want you to fail.

In a perfect economy there would be no middle men.

People who don’t want to fuck you don’t go out of their way to talk to you.

Companies tell you their product is happiness, but they know what they’re really selling you is poverty.

My theory on why so many women have rape fantasies

I would have watched “Care Bears” when I was a kid if one of them was named “Jean Claude Van Damme Heart.”

Most meth users I’ve met aren’t idle. They work at jobs that almost require meth to make it through an exhausting, soul crushing work day

What I think about Satan 

Instead of staffing government mostly with lawyers , we should staff it mostly with computer programmers. Couldn’t be any worse.

If you believe in superstition, it shows you don’t think. Also, the belief that cuss words are evil is superstitious.

America is like a rice cake covered with Nutella, sweet and unfilling.

When I was taught how to eat a fancy dinner with redundant silverware, I thought, “Man, rich people have so few problems they create them.”

Don’t give parents tax breaks. Pay them through the DOE so they can be held accountable like teachers for their kids’ academic failures.

They tell you to go to college to learn. They don’t tell you half your professors will just teach you their shitty life story.

Poverty will always be epidemic as long as the rich make the rules.

Deep Tweets by The Wise Sloth: #1#2#3

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My theory on just about every conspiracy theory


The universe is too large for there to not be other life forms. However, it’s also too large for aliens to receive radio transmission from Earth, let alone visit us without spaceships capable of faster than light travel. The chances of aliens knowing Earth exists is slim but not impossible. Until we have more definitive proof, there’s no reason to believe aliens have been near Earth.

I’m 99.9% certain aliens have never set foot on our planet, because if they had, we all would have died from the space flu, and they would have died from the human flu. For this reason, I expect we’ll never be allowed to land on other planets inhabited by intelligent life, and they will never want to land on ours.


There’s a good chance alien spacecraft have flown by Earth. I want to believe they’ve been captured on film, and I’ve seen some pretty crazy videos of UFOs, but until aliens make contact with us, the simplest explanation of UFOs is, they’re man-made.

Consider that the SR-71 Blackbird was invented in 1964 and wasn’t declassified until 1980. The F-117 Nighthawk was invented in 1975 and wasn’t declassified until 1989. So for decades, sky watchers could see strange shaped aircraft traveling faster than any aircraft known to the public.

It’s fair to assume that in any given year, the U.S. Air Force currently has classified aircraft technology 20 years ahead of what the public knows about. If I were in charge of keeping these aircraft secret, I would spread rumors they’re alien spacecraft to deflect attention from the truth.

Area 51

Area 51 is a real Air Force base located in a remote, deserted part of Nevada. Many strange aircraft have been seen in the skies nearby, and there are widespread rumors that it does, or did, contain the wreckage of an alien spacecraft and the bodies of its extraterrestrial passengers.

Some locals living near Aviano Air Force Base, Italy also believe the Air Force is hiding the body of a dead alien in an underground bunker there too. I was stationed at Aviano for two years with a top secret security clearance. I can assure you, life on base is normal and mundane. My guess is that a work day in Area 51 is closer to my experiences than the way Hollywood portrays it.

Since we know man-made aircraft, 20 years more technologically advanced than commercial airplanes, like the SR-71 Blackbird, are tested at Area 51, there’s a common sense explanation for why people keep seeing UFOs around there. I’m sure whatever is in Area 51 is mind blowing, but I doubt it has anything to do with aliens.

The Illuminati

The Illuminati was a real secret society in Germany during the 17th century that included royalty and other celebrities of the time. Their goal was to, “oppose superstition, obscurantism, religious influence over public life and abuses of state power.” Basically, they were humanitarian intellectuals committed to promoting truth and empowering the masses.

Conspiracy theorists believe this group still exists, but now they want to take over the world and oppress everyone. There’s no evidence this is true. So it would be stupid to take it seriously.

The Freemasons

The Masonic Lodge was originally a fraternal brotherhood in Europe dating back to the 14th century. It was partly a social club and partly a union for mason workers. It spread to America in the 17th century, where its members included many famous politicians and leaders of industry.

Conspiracy theorists believe it still has members at the highest level of government who worship Satan and want to control and oppress the world. You can still find Masonic Lodges operating all over America today, but they’re just a slightly more cultish version of the Rotary Club or Kiwanis Club. They’re basically Cub Scouts for grown-ups. You can join their silly meet-up group and climb the ranks, but you won’t find a secret conspiracy at the top of the pyramid. You’ll just find a bunch of suburban Christians having boring meetings.


Former sports broadcaster, turned professional conspiracy theorist, David Icke, popularized the idea that the world is controlled by shape-shifting aliens called Reptilians. There’s no evidence of this, and anyone who believes in Reptilians either needs to go back to school to learn logic or see a therapist.

If you believe in Reptilians, you’re a gullible, weak-minded fool who will believe anything. The Reptilian conspiracy theory is like Pizzagate. It’s a story invented by a professional liar who has to keep selling stories to keep getting paid.

American secret societies

America has a number of known secret fraternities like the Skull and Bones club, Bilderberg Group and Bohemian Grove, that include many politicians and leaders of industry. Conspiracy theorists believe these semi-secret organizations control the world or are plotting to.

The truth is, these are just groups of rich people who want to help each other get richer. They have a lot of power since they have a lot of money, but the world is bigger than them. China, India, and other world superpowers undoubtedly have their own little clubs for rich assholes, but none of them control the entire world, and it’s doubtful any of them want to.

All they want is for their businesses to make more money. They’ve undoubtedly done some shady things like fighting unions and environmental regulations and keeping the minimum wage at poverty levels. They probably congratulate themselves for ruling the world, but they don’t, nor do they need to.

The moon landing was faked
NASA faked some pictures and video of astronauts on the moon, but they did it because they didn’t have enough real footage to satisfy the public’s interest. Neil Degrasse Tyson does a better job than I could of explaining why it would be easier to go to the moon than to fake all the footage.


It’s possible there was more than one shooter involved in the JFK assassination, but nobody knows why JFK got shot. It’s doubtful any more evidence will come to light. So we’re just going to have to accept the fact that we’ll never know the whole truth.

Moon bases

In 2001, I was enlisted in the U.S. Air Force, stationed at Aviano Air Force Base, Italy. There, I met a man who claimed to have met a man whose job was to airbrush details out of government photos before the invention of Photoshop. This person claimed to have airbrushed bases out of pictures taken on the dark side of the moon. This story is proof of nothing, but it sure sounds cool. Frankly, I’d be disappointed in aliens and our government if there aren’t any permanent structures on the moon, but there’s no reason to believe there are until we have any real evidence.

The September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks 

On September 11, 2001, members of the terrorist organization, Al-Qaeda, hijacked several commercial airliners and flew them into the Twin Towers and the Pentagon in a coordinated terrorist attack. Conspiracy theorists claim this was really an inside job, created by the American government as a false flag attack to justify war in the Middle East.

It’s not crazy to believe the American government is capable of this, because they used a false flag attack in the Gulf of Tonkin to justify starting the Vietnam War. It also drew up plans for Operation Northwoods, in which the CIA would commit a false flag attack on American civilians so the Department of Defense could justify going to war with Cuba. The plan was never enacted, but its real evidence of how low the American Government’s moral standards are. Given that the American government also invented false evidence and lied about its justification to go to war with Iraq, there’s no reason to trust anything the American government says.

Having said that, at best, we have evidence a crime was committed, and the American government had the means and motive to do it, but if the government were put on trial, there wouldn’t be enough evidence to convict them. If anything shady happened on September 11th, we’ll probably never know the whole truth. So we shouldn’t act like we do.



In 1993, the American military built a ridiculously huge and expensive array of antennas in Alaska called the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Project, or HAARP. Officially, their primary goal was to see if they could use the atmosphere as a giant radar or communication device. Eventually, the program was shut down and sold to a college. Conspiracy theorists believe the American military was using HAARP to weaponize the weather.

It’s not crazy to believe the American military would try to weaponize the weather. They weaponized dolphins and tried to weaponize psychics. The people running the Department of Defense would weaponize their mothers if they could. The fact that they defunded HAARP and sold the equipment to a college, means they couldn’t find a way to do anything with the atmosphere… for now.

The American government is spying on you

It used to be a joke that people who believe the government is spying on them are tinfoil hat-wearing, paranoid lunatics. In 2013, Edward Snowden, one of the government employees who spied on Americans, leaked conclusive evidence that the government is spying on everyone and constantly trying to get better at it. It’s no longer a conspiracy theory that the American government is spying on you. At this point, it’s crazier to trust the American government than to distrust it.

The Communist agenda

Karl Marx said that Communism must be spread by the sword, because everyone deserves to be free, and if they’re not, it’s a moral imperative to overthrow their oppressors. This was part of America’s justification for going to war with Vietnam and for putting an embargo on Cuba for decades. The more countries that became Communist, the bigger of an alliance they could form. If enough countries got together, they could overthrow America, which again, their mission statement says they’re obligated to do.

Communist aggression is a thing of the past though, and it only ever really existed in the Russian revolution. Once Lenin and Stalin got in power, they ran Russia as a dictatorship and called it Communism, which is the same thing that happened in China, Vietnam, Cuba and every other country that ever called itself Communist. Communism has never actually been tried, and nobody is even attempting to try anymore. “Communist” China is the sweatshop capital of the world. That’s as Capitalist as it gets, and the farthest thing from Communism.

American conservatives will scream about how Communists want to take over America, but most American Communists are the kind of suburban mall rats who would pay $20 for a Che Guevara T-shirt printed in a Chinese sweat shop. They don’t have much of a clue what Communism is or how to implement it. The Communist spirit is dead, and anyone worried about it has had smoke blown up their butt by a fear mongering shock jocks who probably doesn’t know what Communism is either, other than a trigger word that excites conservatives.

The Socialist agenda

Socialism means shared ownership of the means of production. Co-op stores that are owned and operated by their employees are Socialist businesses. If a government takes ownership of a business, like Venezuela has done with its oil industry, that would be Socialist if Hugo Chavez paid every citizen an equal share of the profits.

Taking government control of a business and then putting the profits into the government’s coffers is Nationalizing the business, not Socializing it. If any of that money goes into politicians’ pockets, or to pay for their pet projects, then that would constitute a dictatorship.

“Socialized medicine” like Britain’s National Health System, is a misnomer. It’s Nationalized health care, not Socialized. The people don’t own the hospitals or make a profit from them. They just pay taxes for a service. Getting access to things like roads, schools or welfare, in exchange for paying taxes, isn’t Socialism.

A welfare state isn’t a Socialist state. It’s just a poorly run economy that fails to address the reason people are poor, which is that they’re underpaid by their employers. Socialism would actually fix the problems inherent in a welfare state, which is probably why rich people starting calling welfare, Socialism. This way, employees will demonize the solution to the problem their employers created.

Whenever you hear a conservative scream about the Socialist agenda to take over America and turn it into a welfare state, you’re hearing one economically illiterate fool echoing economically illiterate bullshit he heard a pro-capitalist, fear mongering shock jock say on TV. The only real Socialist agenda you’ll find in America is the Co-op movement, which can and does exist harmoniously with Capitalism.

Obama is a Muslim Socialist and illegal immigrant

If you ever believed Obama was a Muslim, Socialist or illegal immigrant, you need to stop watching whatever TV shows you’ve been watching, because you’ve been duped by a fear mongering shock jocks who will tell you whatever trigger words will get you to keep watching their show.

If Obama were a Muslim or a Socialist, he’s the worst one ever. His illegal wars have killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims and set the Muslim world back decades. His economic policies were pro-Capitalist. He even went as far as allowing the Occupy Wall Street protests to be illegally and violently shut down.

Obama’s sin is that he was a professional campaigner who worked for rich lobbyists. He’s a Capitalist’s wet dream and millionaire himself. Furthermore, Obamacare wasn’t Socialist. He didn’t give people ownership of health insurance companies. He forced the public to pay private companies for a shitty product. That’s Capitalism operating at its most predatory extreme.

The liberal agenda

Conservative Americans often complain about the “liberal agenda” to destroy America by turning it into a gay-loving, anti-Christian welfare state. If you believe this, you’ve been duped again by fear mongering shock jocks who make meaningless statements to scare viewers into watching more television.

Liberals don’t want to destroy America. It’s crazy that there are actually people who believe legions of faceless liberals are meeting up and conspiring to destroy America for no other reason than, they’re evil. Reread that last sentence, and replace “liberals” with “Jews,” and “America” with “Germany.” People who believe liberals are evil worry me, and the people who keep telling them liberals are a threat to their survival and deserve to be hated, terrify me.

The conservative agenda

The majority of American conservatives get most of their news from Fox News, which claims to be fair and balanced, but is bombastically pro-conservative, pro-Republican, pro-Capitalism and pro-American. It’s equally anti-liberal, anti-Democrat, anti-economic equality, anti-science and anti-immigrants.

Fox’s news segments contain slander, logical fallacies, misdirection, false-flag scares, emotional hype, misdirection and lies. This doesn’t happen because Fox is full of amateur journalists. Bullshit is the product Fox sells, and it has bullshit broken down to a science.

Fox news is so consistent in its agenda and dishonesty, it looks like there’ s a conspiracy among its leaders to create a civil war between conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats. It makes you wonder what’s really going on, and what’s the mastermind’s end game? The truth is easy to deduce if you look at the history of its founders Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes.

Rupert Murdoch was born in Australia in 1931. He inherited a fortune from his father and spent the 1950’s and 60’s buying up tabloid newspapers in Australia, which he consolidated under a parent company, News Corp. In the early 70’s, he bought up the major tabloids in Britain and the United States, adding them to News Corp. roster of sensationalist, fake news magazines. News Corp. was convicted of criminal charges for corruption, hacking and stealing in all three countries.

Roger Ailes was born in America in 1940. He started as a production assistant at a local news station in Ohio, where he was promoted several times, earning him the credentials to produce a daytime television talk show. In 1968, Ailes became a professional political campaign manager. He managed Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan’s presidential campaigns, and he advised George H. Bush, George W. Bush and Donald Trump.

So Fox News was founded by an international tabloid kingpin, who sells lies for a living, and the public relations manager of the Republican Party. When you put them together, you get sensationalist Republican propaganda with the journalistic integrity of a tabloid.

Basically, these two men pulled off a plan to create a television network that indoctrinates its viewers into basing their identity and beliefs on the Republican Party’s political agenda. This is corruption and treason at the highest level. It created a fake culture war that real people have died in. It’s driving the country to the brink of civil war. It orchestrated the launch of the longest war in America’s history. It’s the source of the war on science, which could destroy humanity. And it got Donald Trump elected president.

Why the hell would two men do that? Are they trying to destroy the world? No. They’re just businessmen doing what they do. Rupert Murdoch wanted to sell newspapers and TV shows, and Roger Ailes wanted to produce TV shows. By teaming up with the Republican Party, Murdoch and Ailes got loyal customers, and the Republican Party got loyal voters. They all got a lot richer, and that’s what it’s all about.

Some conspiracy theorists believe the government is putting chemicals into airplanes and crop dusting the world in an attempt to kill civilians or make them stupid. There’s no evidence of it, and worrying about it wastes time you could be worrying about all the poisonous chemicals that are in practically every product you buy at your local grocery store. Even those are only part of a conspiracy to sell the cheapest product at the highest price to make the companies selling them richer.


Governments have been putting fluoride in drinking water for decades to help strengthen people’s teeth. While fluoride is good for your teeth, consuming it will harm your brain and make you stupid. Guards at Soviet gulags intentionally put fluoride in the water to make the prisoners less sharp and more docile.

Are American politicians putting fluoride in drinking water to make the population stupid or because they’re stupid? This is one of those conspiracy theories that is probably best solved using Hanlon’s Razor, which states, “Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to incompetence.”

You shouldn’t drink tap water anyway. Every piece of equipment involved in getting that water to your house was built by the lowest bidder. It contains toxins from a hundred different sources, due to a hundred different people’s bad decisions.

The War on Drugs isn’t about drugs. It’s a war on people.

There’s a popular rumor, especially in the African-American community, that the government introduced hard drugs into the ghetto and set high prison sentences for drug users as a way to oppress the black community.

John Ehrlichman, a former aide to Richard Nixon, confirmed this when he confessed, “We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin. And then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.”

The war on drugs has always been a war on people. If it’s a war on African Americans specifically, the perpetrators have an unlimited tolerance for collateral damage. The War on Drugs causes suffering to people of every color, and it had done as much harm to Colombia as it has to Chicago. Even if African Americans were singled out, it wasn’t because of the color of their skin. If the majority of African Americans were die-hard Republicans who supported Nixon’s agendas, he would have pandered to them instead of attacking them.

The war on drugs may have been invented by racists, but Barack Obama had 8 years to end it. He held that torch tight and passed it dutifully. The only reason he did, was because he accepted campaign donations and promises from war dogs, many of whom were children in 1971, when Nixon basically used a false flag attack to declare war on Democrats and liberals. At this point, the war on drugs is just a pork barrel project that got too fat to kill. That’s as deep as the conspiracy goes.

Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster and other local legends
Scientists discover new species every year. It’s possible we’ll find an unbelievably large stealthy creature, but until we capture one, there’s no reason to say they exist. That’s how sanity works.

The Holocaust never happened

Some conspiracy theorists believe the Holocaust never happened, and the story was invented by Jews to help justify invading Palestine and creating the modern nation of Israel. Much like faking the moon landing, it would be easier to kill 6 million people than to create a fake story which nobody involved ever leaked the truth about.

We already have cures for most diseases
Some conspiracy theorists believe the shadow government that rules the world already has the cure for AIDS, cancer and most other diseases. There’s no need to bring shadow governments into this. We know for a fact drug companies are withholding medicine, or at least over-pricing them, to force people to keep buying their product. That’s how Capitalism works.

Every business owner decides independently to do whatever it takes to sell their product to as many people as possible, as often as possible, for as much profit as possible. So, yes. There is a conspiracy to withhold medicine, but there’s no central mastermind behind it. There’s just a bunch of rich sociopaths like Martin Shkreli, who have no problem screwing the poor and sick to make a lot of money.

This concept also applies to the conspiracy theory that the government is suppressing technology that would give us unlimited energy so that we remain dependent on oil. I’m sure big oil companies have covered up new technologies. They’ve lobbied heavily against solar and wind power. The politicians they make campaign contributions to have colluded to help them keep the world dependent on their product, but that’s not unique to the fossil fuel industry. Every industry bribes politicians to give them an advantage over their competition. Politicians aren’t colluding in this because it’s all part of their master plan. It’s just that their priorities are up for public auction.

The war on Islam

America has been waging war in the Middle East for decades, and it often kills with disregard for collateral damage. This has led many Muslims to the conclusion America is at war with Islam. Muslim terrorist cults like Al-Queda and ISIS help spread this rumor to recruit gullible, poor, ignorant, disenfranchised young people.

It’s ironic that some American conservatives believe Barack Obama is a Muslim, since he’s responsible for the deaths of enough Muslims to convince the Islamic world that America is at war with their religion. Obama isn’t a Muslim, and the American military isn’t waging a holy war. America just has an industrial war complex that’s wagging the dog.

Boeing and Lockheed Martin can’t sell more weapons to the government if America’s not at war. The Middle East is the most convenient place to wage perpetual war since it’s full of weak, unlikable political leaders and radical sectarian death cults, who nobody minds getting shot. The fact that they’re Muslim is irrelevant to the weapons industry. They’d declare war on mothers and say it’s for freedom if it would convince the American government to buy more bullets.

America is an aggressive empire bent on world domination

Americans don’t think of their country as an evil empire, but there is a popular belief in many countries that America is an empire bent on world domination. As proof, they point to the fact that America toppled their government by force or by subterfuge, took their natural resources and outsourced sweatshops to their country.

Technically, America behaves like an evil empire, but what is America? Who is making all the evil decisions, and why? There is no evil genius or central committee. Remember, American politics is an auction house. America’s actions are for sale to the highest bidder. That doesn’t mean the richest person controls it. That means every rich person in the world can pay to play America like a video game. America is controlled by a bunch of monkeys paying to slap the country’s steering wheel. All these monkeys want the same thing: money.

America could do a much better job of taking over the world by military force if its government was well organized and focused. But there is no focus. The American military is a headless robot being taken on a joy ride by a line of rich guys. Those guys aren’t trying to take over the world. They just want to make the world more friendly to their profit margin. Their company is the empire they’re building. If America looks like an empire, it’s because there are a bunch of imperial companies wearing America like a glove.
Tools of the global elite

The World Trade Organization, International Monetary Fund and the World Bank are international organizations ostensibly devoted to economic prosperity. In reality, they cripple third world countries with tariffs, loans and bureaucracy. Technically, this constitutes a global conspiracy to control the world. However, there’s no evil genius at the top of the pyramid twirling his mustache. There’s just a gang of rich countries holding down poor countries, which is how the world has always worked.


In order to understand Zionism, you need to know a little Jewish history. Thousands of years ago, the nation of Israel was conquered by Assyria, Babylonia and Rome, in that order. Each time the Jews were exiled, they picked themselves up by the bootstraps, got organized and retook their homeland.

Rome sent the Jews into exile around 70AD, and they lived in immigrant communities around the world until the 19th century, when a bunch of Jews got together and decided they were going to re-establish a Jewish state. They called the dream of returning to their homeland and reestablishing a Jewish state, Zionism.

The goal of Zionism was accomplished in 1948, when the well-organized Zionists gathered millions of dollars in donations from other Jews around the world, created an army and lobbied the world’s super powers to recognize the new Jewish government and not defend Palestine when Israel invaded the country, toppled the old government, committed ethnic cleansing on the Palestinian population and put the survivors in concentration camps.

Some anti-Semites believe that was really just the first step of Zionism, and the real goal is total world domination. That sounds sinister and unbelievable until you realize that every country wants to rule the world. However, most ordinary citizens just want to survive and take care of their family.

In every country, there are people want to build an empire, and there are those who don’t. Israel can’t even figure out a final solution to the Palestinian problem. Israel is never going to take over the world, and I’m sure most Jews know this, if they ever even thought about it at all. At this point, America is the world’s superpower, and Israel is one of America’s allies. So they got the next best thing. I believe most Jews are content with this.

The Jews run Hollywood

Many people have noticed there are a lot of Jewish names in Hollywood movie credits, which has led some to jump to the conclusion the Jews run Hollywood and are using movies to brainwash the world. There may be a lot of Jews in Hollywood, but that probably only means there’s a conspiracy among Jews to enter profitable industries, which is what everyone in the world wants. Judging by the low quality of movies coming out of Hollywood, I’d say the only conspiracy among them is to make cheap products that appeal to gullible consumers with low intellectual standards, which is what every business owner in the world wants.


Some Jewish conspiracy theorists believe there’s a worldwide movement to oppress the Jews, and anyone who criticizes any Jew or the Israeli government is prejudice. The reality is, everyone is a little racist, but most people are too busy worrying about themselves to worry about other groups. Jews may be disappointed to learn how little anyone really thinks about them.

There are a lot of religions and ethnic groups around the world who have victim complexes and pull the prejudice card so often it never gets put back in the deck. Sometimes they really are being victimized, like when Nazis put Jews in concentration camps, but sometimes ethnic groups play the victim card to deflect valid criticisms.

For example, I’ve liked every Jew I’ve ever met, but I don’t like the fact that the Jewish government in Israel is putting Palestinians in concentration camps. That’s not me be being anti-Semitic. That’s me pointing out a cut-and-dry violation of the Geneva Convention and the Declaration of Human Rights. If there’s a conspiracy here, it’s not that anti-Semitism is epidemic, it’s that political spin, bullshit excuses and lack of accountability are epidemic.
Basic training is brainwashing

At some point in your life, someone has told you basic training is brainwashing. If you’ve never read a book on brainwashing or been through basic training, you probably thought to yourself, “I guess I could see how that kind of makes sense.” Then you never really thought about it again. If you did go through basic training, and someone told you it’s brainwashing, you probably told them they’re an idiot.

Most civilians and veterans haven’t read any books on brainwashing. Since neither side knows what brainwashing is, neither can prove their case, even if they’ve been through basic training. The only way to settle this argument is to go through basic training and take a checklist of brainwashing techniques with you. Then see if you find any of the red flags and check them off the list.

If you do that, you’ll check off every single criterion. Basic training is the perfection of brainwashing. To make matters creepier, if you take a checklist of a cult and walk around a military base looking for its red flags, you’ll check off every criterion on that list as well.

Basic training is the indoctrination process of a tax payer-funded death cult. This isn’t an opinion or a theory. Basic training literally fits the definition of brainwashing, and the military’s behaviors fit the definition of a cult. This fact isn’t controversial due to lack of evidence. It’s controversial because it civilians can’t accept they’re funding a death cult that commits human right violations on their heroes, and military members can’t accept it for the same reasons Scientologists can’t admit they belong to a cult.

Global warming and the war on science

Lobbyists from the fossil fuel industry legally bribed Republican politicians to repeal environmental protection laws, because they made producing energy more expensive and thus less profitable. But those politicians couldn’t legalize pollution, because that would look evil, and they would lose voters.

The most important thing in the world to a professional campaigner is their image. So they called up the guy they pay to manage their image, Roger Ailes and told him they need their voters to oppose environmental protection laws. Ailes told his business partner, Rupert Murdoch, who owns Fox News. They used all Rupert Murdoch’s tabloid tricks to convince half of America to believe in a strawman argument about climate change so they’d support Republicans passing laws that help fossil fuel companies make more money by not having to spend it cleaning and reducing the pollution they create.

We shouldn’t even be arguing about climate change. The term was invented by employees of Murdoch and Ailes to trick people into not saying “global warming,” because “climate change” doesn’t sound deadly. But even “global warming” is a distraction from the real issue, which is pollution.

Pollution is poison. The more poison there is in the environment, the more things will die from it. The less poison there is, the fewer things will die from it. That’s true regardless of whether or not climate change is real, and there’s too much poison in our environment already.

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Tweets by The Wise Sloth: Feb 2017-April 2017

  • My entire life I haven’t been waiting to see what problem my president solves next, I’ve been waiting to see what problem he creates next.
  • Watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles growing up, it always confused me that the smartest member of the team wasn’t the leader.
  • Bruce Wayne should have hired 10,000 mercenaries and a wise council to fight evil instead of spending millions on a one-man vigilante fetish
  • “Teaching kids that the Earth is 6k years old is like teaching them that the distance across the United States is 17 feet.” Lawrence Krauss (paraphrased)
  • The more you tell yourself the world is on your shoulders, the more it will feel like it.
  • It might save the world if everyone criticizes three things about their group every time they criticize one thing about another group.
  • If your plan to fight poverty involves making the rich, richer, you don’t understand economics.
  • Moderate Americans and Muslims should strategize to redouble their efforts to educate their extreme members instead of passively enabling them
  • It baffles me how people absorb news and wisdom from around the world on phones, then use the same apps to say technology is tearing us apart.
  • You can tell the size of someone’s weed habit by the size of their grinder.

  • Just once I’d like to hear an American president tell all Americans to not act like victims and throw tantrums when their flaws are exposed.
  • The road to bankruptcy and debt is paved with “opportunities of a lifetime.”
  • America’s education system is so broken, it would be better to go 100% digital and close all brick and mortar schools.
  • The more rules you have to follow that stress you out, the more likely your soldiers and/or politicians must be failing at their job.
  • The more often and intensely you’re afraid of accidentally or unintentionally breaking the law, the more likely you live in a police state.
  • It baffles me that in 2017 there are still people who believe politicians care about what people who haven’t given them money think.
  • If you believe your bank cares about you, you’re wildly mistaken. Their job isn’t to help you get money. Their job is to take your money.
  • We need yard work appreciation day, where he who does all the yard work relaxes while his family experiences his pain for one day each year.
  • Most self-help, motivation and leadership books either teach how to be a more enthusiastic slave or slaver.
  • I want an app that calculates the shortest path and with the least amount of turns to mow your lawn.
  • “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. It’s your convictions that make you vulnerable to lies.”
  • “If the same kind of thing keeps happening to you over and over, it’s probably not other people or random chance.”

  • I love how freedom of religion prevents oppression but hate how much it’s used to justify oppressing those who want to be free from religion
  • I bet most people in North Korea don’t put any stock in the book, “The Secret.”
  • “The most dangerous lie is the one closest to the truth.”
  • If the Easter Bunny were a unicorn, we wouldn’t celebrate Easter, because it would force us to confront the fact that we celebrate mythology
  • You’d think humans would have learned by now, when a politician asks for more power, it’s for their benefit, at your expense.
  • Either all your exes are jerks or nobody wants to stay with a spoiled brat who throws hate-tantrums every time you don’t get what you want.
  • Radical SJWs and feminists need to embrace Abraham Lincoln’s words, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
  • Americans need licenses to do anything but go to church. As long as that line isn’t crossed, we accept having to apply/pay for our freedoms.
  • I wish Americans were as concerned with the freedom to buy medicine without a prescription as they are about freedom of religion.
  • It would solve so many problems later in life if schools taught children how to take a hint.
  • “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.”David Brinkley
  • “People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” Unknown
  • The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them.” Jim Henson
  • The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work.” Harry Golden
  • Just once I’d like to hear America’s celebrity doctors say America’s health care system could be fixed by doctors boycotting insurance.

  • You cross a line and do something to your soul when you wear sweat pants to a strip club.
  • You can’t pretend you’re not old anymore after you start meeting kids who are too young to remember the things that defined your childhood.
  • The more you find yourself telling people to give your hero a second chance, the more likely you should give your hero a second look.
  • The more passionately you support any American politician, the more you should doubt your objectivity and double check you’re not wrong.
  • Americans have proven they can’t protest without rioting. It’s about time they try something different.
  • There tends to be an inverse correlation between the amount of time you spend complaining and the amount of time you spend doing something.
  • Just because someone says something you disagree with, that doesn’t mean they’re against you. They may just be for facts, and you’re wrong.
  • “The real problem of humanity … we have Palaeolithic emotions; medieval institutions; and godlike technology.”
  • I wish humanity was as passionate about devoting resources to emigrating off Earth as we are stopping people from immigrating around Earth.
  • “We will not believe more than we know, and we will not live higher than our beliefs.”
  • When Christians say they don’t know or believe the Bible unambiguously approves of slavery, I assume they’re totally Biblically illiterate.
  • It’s baffling how many parents give their children religious books they’ve never read as their primary instruction book on life.
  • It’s baffling how few parents have written instruction books for life to give to their children.
  • Every time you watch a TV commercial, you get dumber.
  • If you still trust American news stations after the 2016 POTUS election, your standards of journalistic ethics are catastrophically low.
  • Wisdom is too important to wait for it to fall into your lap. Not constantly seeking/collecting it is how you stay an idiot your whole life.
  • If you can’t make yourself happy, you will inevitably make your lover miserable.
  • There are two types of rules: 1. Time-tested best practices for accomplishing a goal 2. Bullshit someone made up to control others

  • The longer you complain about being a victim, but have no plan to fix anything, the more likely you just have a delusional victim complex.
  • Give Trump a chance, they said. Every chance he’s had, he proved his worst critics right. How many more chances does he get?
  • America would be a very different place if Trump’s supporters were as critical of him as they were of Obama.
  • Trump bombed Syria for using WMDs. Then he uses a MOAB in Afghanistan, which has never been used because it fits the criteria of a WMD.
  • The quickest way to piss off someone in a cult is to tell them they’re in a cult.
  • Schools should have classes that teach you how/why not to throw tantrums when you don’t get what you want.
  • The easiest way to distract Americans is to make a controversial, heart-wrenching human interest story go viral.
  • A guy getting kicked off an overbooked flight is not the most important thing happening today and not what everyone should be talking about.
  • Aliens would be baffled by how much comedy humans watch on TV while our world is dying from wars, corruption, atrocities, oppression and waste

  • Proving to people you’re right all the time is more likely a symptom of your insecurity and shortsightedness than strength and genius.
  • Politicians and soldiers should be as concerned about protecting us from insurance companies as they are about protecting us from terrorists
  • If politicians could be dishonorably discharged for negligence, bad conduct and crime, all of America’s congress would qualify for one.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician advocate setting limits to how many laws a politician can break before being dishonorably discharged
  • “The price of originality is criticism. The value of originality is priceless.”
  • American culture teaches children to question how things have always been done almost as much as it teaches them traditions are sacrosanct.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician talk about the need for grocery store reform because the system we got is creating obesity and poverty
  • Masculinity is toxic, said no feminist to their mechanics, plumbers, or soldiers ever.
  • Congressmen/women, who are picked by voters in single states, get to decide laws that affect every other state. Totally defeats the purpose.
  • At least once in my life, I’d like to hear a politician say voters should have the ability to veto politicians out of office by popular vote.
  • The reason cheerleaders exist is to cover up the fact that sports are boring.
  • If massage therapists have to do continuing education to keep their job, so should Congress.
  • My high school history teacher once told my class America was founded by criminals, slaves and religious freaks. It seems nothing has changed.
  • Growing experiences tend to come with growing pains. Accept it. Embrace it. Get on with it.

  • When a woman complains to you about a problem, don’t offer solutions and rationalizations. Just actively listen. All you have to do is wait.
  • Writers have two choices: 1. Write about the most important topics they can. 2. Write things that distract people from more important topics
  • The angrier the poor get at the rich, the more the media tells them to be angry at another group of people.
  • If you believe there’s a liberal conspiracy to destroy America, the problem is you believe anything any fear-peddling shock jock sells you.
  • Knowledge is knowing the right answers. Wisdom is asking the right questions.
  • Rod Serling’s monologs in “The Twilight Zone” tend to make as much sense as The Ultimate Warrior’s monologs in the WWF.

  • Your job is more of an opportunity for your employer than for you.
  • Women, you can’t make your boyfriend or husband better by bitching at him. You can only do that by loving, supporting and building him up.
  • Anyone pissed about white privilege would have their jealousy cured by spending a week living with me in my trailer by the train tracks.
  • The more times you’ve justified beating someone smaller than you, the more likely you’re a god damn ass hole.
  • The more attention you pay to sports, the less important things you learn or act on.
  • Neither God or our ancestors would be proud of how our economy is designed to fuck people harder, the poorer they are.
  • No matter where you live, if you’re proud of being in the majority, you’re probably proud of being a gullible, surface-thinking idiot.
  • If there are an infinite number of universes, then there’s a universe out there somewhere where each of us have had sex with Bill Nye.
  • Some people are confident in social situations because they practice success. Other people are confident because they just don’t give a fuck
  • If you’re hyperactive and can’t stay still, and you don’t have a hobby, you’re leaving money and meaning on the table.
  • If Putin helped Trump win the election, it was probably more to help America fail than to help Trump succeed.
  • I wish the Republican Party would stop putting on pretenses and just change their name to the Fox News Party.
  • When someone asks for forgiveness for something they’re not really sorry for, they’re really asking for permission.
  • Trump could improve his approval rating quicker and easier by solving a few simple real problems than by grandstanding and sideshowing.


  • Today’s excuses become tomorrow’s regrets.
  • How do you create 1 rich person? By creating 10 poor people.
  • I wonder how many homes and gardens could have been built with the money America has spent spying on its citizens.
  • As long as there are for-profit prisons, ticket quotas and a war on drugs, there are no good cops, only accomplices to crime at best.
  • If you contradict everything I say, I’m going to give up trying to talk to you.
  • Despite what their advertisements and website say, anyone who would charge you 30% interest is not your friend.
  • If we protect people from hunger as zealously as we protect them from having their feelings hurt, we’d all love life and probably each other.
  • Elton John’s music would have been more interesting if he was goth.
  • We promote and incentivize women getting in STEM fields for equality, but where’s the push for gender equality in all the most deadly jobs?
  • Luckily, in America, the First Amendment allows you to speak freely about all your other rights the RNC and DNC are constantly taking away.
  • Every month hundreds of millions of Americans celebrate their freedom by living paycheck to paycheck.
  • Life according to conservativism: Blindly defending Democrats = sheep. Blindly defending Republicans = patriot. Not defending either = slacker
  • Just once I wish someone watching reality TV would drop their head in their hands and mumble, “Fuck. I’m what’s wrong with this world.”

  • Every year Americans celebrate their freedom by paying hundreds of dollars to renew their professional licenses that arbitrarily expired.
  • It’s ironic when Muslims say Islam is a religion of peace, since Muslim extremists have killed more Muslims than non-Muslims by magnitudes.
  • The dumber the individual, the dumber the whole. We all have a personal and civic responsibility to not be stupid.
  • The more emotional a news host is, the more likely they’re a shock jock.
  • American presidents are as synonymous with dishonesty as American military recruiters are.
  • Whatever your favorite radio DJ personalities are most excited about, you should not be.
  • For some reason, people hate it when you wear black shoes with a brown belt or visa/versa. It doesn’t make any sense, but be prepared for it
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more male you are, the better life is.”
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more white you are, the better life is.”
  • The angrier and more frightened watching the news makes you, the less likely you’re watching real journalistic new reporting.
  • If your plan to make the world better is to kill, incarcerate or deport all the bad guys, you’re probably one of the bad guys.


Questions Christians have to struggle with that non-believers can answer in three words

It’s possible for Christians to answer all of the questions listed below, but those explanations will be thousands of words longs, and they’ll be full of speculations and mental gymnastics. Non-believers can explain every single one of these questions elegantly and completely in three words: Christianity is mythology.

The principle of Occam’s Razor states, “… among competing hypotheses that predict equally well, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected. Other, more complicated solutions may ultimately prove to provide better predictions, but—in the absence of differences in predictive ability—the fewer assumptions that are made, the better.”

It’s possible that all the complicated, speculative explanations Christian apologeticists have reverse-engineered to answer the Bible’s hard questions are true, but if we’re being intellectually honest with ourselves, the probability of that being the case is extremely slim. If you find yourself having to go to absurd lengths to explain your way around objective criticisms of your beliefs, at some point you should ask yourself if the reason your answers have to be so round-about is because reality is that complicated, or because you’re trying to explain your way around reality.

  1. What is the Holy Trinity?
  2. What does it mean that Jesus is the son of God?
  3. Why does God want blood sacrifices?
  4. Why did Jesus say, “God, why have you forsaken me,” before he died?
  5. Was the universe really created in 6 days, about 6000 years ago?
  6. Was the Garden of Eden real? If not, is original sin real? If not, why did Jesus have to die?
  7. Did the entire world really flood, and did Noah really fit two of every animal on a boat for 40 days?
  8. Why did the story of Noah’s ark first appear in the Epic of Gilgamesh?
  9. Why does God kill people for petty reasons in the Old Testament?
  10. Why are there no longer talking animals?
  11. Why are there no more prophets?
  12. Should you eat shellfish and wear clothes with mixed fabrics?
  13. Why can’t people perform miracles at will anymore?
  14. What is sin?
  15. Does God approve of polygamy?
  16. What did Jesus mean when he said he came to fulfill the law, not to abolish it?
  17. Why was it so important to God to include long lists of lineages in His one book of instructions to humans?
  18. Why does God approve of slavery?
  19. Why did Jesus turn water into wine instead of doing more important things with his infinite powers and short time on Earth?
  20. Why does the God say to stone adulterers to death and then say, “He who is without sin, throw the first stone?”
  21. Does God have a plan for you?
  22. What would God want you to do?
  23. Does God give people signs?
  24. Should you go to church?
  25. Should you give money to churches?
  26. Which church, if any, does God approve of, and how do you know?
  27. How do you repress your sexual instincts?
  28. Why is it so important to God that you repress your sexual instincts?
  29. How much fun and self-indulgence is too much?
  30. Should you punish yourself for sinning?
  31. How can you love sinners and non-believers if they’re evil and deserve to go to Hell?
  32. How do you cope with the fact that most of the people you know and love are going to Hell?
  33. Why do you need to be baptized?
  34. Do babies who haven’t been baptized or believe in Jesus go to Hell?
  35. Do people who never heard of Jesus go to Hell?
  36. Do mentally handicapped people go to Hell?
  37. Should you pray to an all-powerful, all-knowing being?
  38. What does anything in the book of Revelation mean?
  39. Do you only need faith to be saved, or do you need good works also?
  40. Should you give away everything you own? If not, how much should you give away?
  41. Why aren’t there any first hand accounts of Jesus’s existence?
  42. Why were the Jews God’s chosen people?
  43. Why would God choose one ethnic group as his favorite group of people?
  44. Why did God need a house built for him in Jerusalem?
  45. Why are there contradictions in the Bible?
  46. How do you know you can trust The Council of Nicaea?

However you felt about this post, you’ll probably feel the same way about these:

The Bible is mythology

Christianity is bad for you and society

Churches and Christian Culture

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Ways not to define your self-worth

By how much smarter you are than anyone else

It’s impossible to overstate how important knowledge is. The sum of your knowledge shapes your personality and abilities.  So having an encyclopedic amount of knowledge in your brain will truly make you a stronger, more complete person. However, being smart doesn’t warrant being conceited, because being conceited about your intelligence is shortsighted and illogical on multiple levels.

There’s more to know about life than your brain is capable of comprehending. Bragging about being the smartest person in the room is like an ant bragging about being the smartest ant in the hive. All it proves is how little you really understand about life.

Even if you know that you don’t know everything, you may still be tempted to feel better than other people if you’re the foremost expert in your field, but that just means you’re great at one or a few things. Most people are really good at one or two things, and everybody knows about all sorts of things that you never will. Being really good at something doesn’t make you any better than anyone else. All it proves is that you’re doing something while you’re alive, and you were supposed to be doing something anyway. So bragging about knowing something is jerking yourself off for doing the mandatory minimum.

By all means, strive to become a genius. That’s what you’re supposed to be doing, but how far you’ve walked your path doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else. The person next to you is just another animated pile of stardust, on their own, private quest to figure out what the heck they’re doing here.  If you’re smart enough to understand the value of life you wouldn’t place others beneath you because of their IQ level. You would treat everyone with the full respect and appreciation that a living, breathing, conscious animated pile of start dust deserves.

By how less smart you are than everyone else

If you’re not academically inclined, don’t judge yourself contemptibly. You don’t have to be as smart as anyone else to justify your existence. Your worth is not determined by your test scores or anyone else’s. The value of your existence stems from the fact that you’re in a unique position in all of space and time to do something that nobody else can do: become you. You don’t need to match other people’s success. You just need to find what interests you and learn what you can about it for your own personal sake.

By the size of your bank account

Money has no inherent worth. It’s a symbolic medium of exchange that represents whatever it can be traded for, which is almost everything. Since money is so powerful, the more of it you have, the more people will love, forgive, respect, worship, fear and obey you. If you have enough money to effectively wield the power of a demigod, and people are always treating you like one, eventually you might start identifying as one.

If you don’t have any money, and you have to work like a slave for a rich boss who treats you like a subhuman creature, you might start to feel like a subhuman creature. If you spend long enough unable to afford good food, housing, clothes, transportation or leisure, eventually you may forget or just stop believing that life could be any other way. After you get used to living like a subhuman, you might start to identify as a subhuman.

These assumptions are shortsighted though, because while money affects what you can do in a monetary economy, it doesn’t affect what you inherently, fundamentally are, because what you are, is a mind with a body that grew out of an inexplicable spinning wad of atoms. You’re a phenomenal cosmic miracle mystery, the existence of which raises profound questions and possibilities. The root of your value extends all the way back to before the big ban, but money is just dust in the wind.

While having money/debt can’t define what you are, what you do with it does. Your spending habits are your choices. They’re based on your values and are indicative of your prime prerogative. If you choose to spend your life jerking yourself off over how much money you have and hording overpriced designer widgets, instead of solving the world’s problems, you’re going to look like an infantile jerkoff to whatever created you. If you do choose to use your money to solve the fundamental problems facing humanity, there’s no telling how far your actions will echo.

By how much power you have over other people

If you live long enough, you’re going to find yourself in a position of authority over someone else. You’ll have the power to inflict real world consequences on that person if they don’t obey you, and you’ll be able to point to real world reasons why your authority is justified. The longer you spend in a position of authority and the more authority you have, the more you’ll get used to it. Eventually your brain will just take the social hierarchy you and everyone else lives by for granted. If/when that happens, you’re likely to assume that you really do deserve power over people… and that the people beneath you deserve to be controlled by you.

The fact that one person can control another has no bearing on the intrinsic worth of either person. We’re all equal. Our ancestors just taught our elders to teach us customs that stratify humanity into tiers where certain people have control over other people’s lives. These customs don’t reflect the intrinsic nature of reality. They’re just the rules of a game that people made up. Authority is a social contract between equal beings deserving of equal respect.

By how much power other people have over you

If you live long enough, eventually you’ll find yourself at the bottom of a pyramid shaped authority structure. Often times the people with power over you will force you to perform gestures of subservience to them like bowing, saluting, addressing them as “Mr.,” “Mr.” “Sir,” “Ma’am,” “Your Honor,” etc. If you get used to treating other people like they’re a higher form of life than you, then eventually you’re likely to start believing it, which is why these customs were created in the first place, to subjugate the subjugate-able. When your superiors have the authority and resources to threaten, punish and control you, it seems all the more real that they’re more than you. But like I said in the previous section, the power structures around you are made up. Your position in society doesn’t define your intrinsic worth.

Make no mistake though, you can’t just go around telling your parents, bosses and police that their authority is a fraudulent pyramid scheme, and you don’t have to obey them. If you do that they’ll draw on the real world resources available to them to punish you in a very real way. And sometimes they should for your own good. So, sure, fight the system if it’s doing more harm to you than good, but understand that you have to play by the rules to survive. Just try not to let it get you down. You’re worth more than your superiors say you are, and they’re not worth as much as they think they are.

By your beauty or lack thereof

Beauty isn’t a force of nature woven into the fabric of the universe like gravity, space or light. It’s an idea that exists nowhere else in the universe except the neurons of animals’ brains. It’s not even an original idea. It’s an instinct that was preprogrammed in our brains as a rote survival mechanism. So on a lot of levels, when we look at something in awe, lust or disgust, it’s nothing personal. You shouldn’t be too flattered or offended by preprogrammed knee-jerk selfish reactions that happen in the brains of tiny animals.

Tiny animals we may be, but we’re still important. If you cut the integumentary system off of a human and look at what’s under our skin, you’ll see a machine so complex it defies all explanation. The design of the human body is as complex as the design of the solar system we live in. Your body is a force of nature strong enough to conquer light and gravity, which in my opinion makes you worth more than a star, more than a galaxy.

On the cosmic scale of things, it’s a nonevent if someone (including you) likes or dislikes the way your integumentary system looks. Your base worth is already infinitely valuable. So anyone’s opinion of your is already irrelevant.

Granted, it’s hard to stay optimistic when people call you ugly names and treat you like you’re worth less than them. All I can say is, try to keep in perspective what’s happening and what’s truly important. All that really matters is that you achieve your life goals. That’s how you earn a more personally meaningful life. People’s opinion of you is just one rote side-detail you pass by on the highway of life that leads to your dreams.

By your age or lack thereof

The fact that you just happened to be born before or after someone else has no bearing on the intrinsic value of either person. Being old may give you authority/responsibility over younger people, but that has no bearing on the intrinsic value of either person either. Your personal experiences/accomplishments have no bearing on anyone else’s life other than your own. Nobody owes you anything just because you were born before them and did stuff while you were around. You don’t owe anyone older than you any more honors than they owe you. We’re all equals on different stages of the same journey. There’s simply no sane reason to conclude that the chronological stage of one’s journey has any positive or negative affect on the worth of a separate being.

Without comparing yourself to others, you might still judge yourself for being too young or too old.  If you do, you might want to take a camping trip and rethink how you define your self-worth. People are like trees. Young and old trees don’t suck more than adult trees. They’re all just trees that, when placed next to each other make a beautiful forest. Granted, it’s hard to be so optimistic when you’re getting spanked by your parent or staring at the wall of a retirement home thinking about how you don’t have any time, friends, family, money or energy left. The truth is, sometimes life sucks. That’s the cost of living. Luckily, your comfort level isn’t synonymous with the value of your life.

By your success

Being successful is useful, and you should feel proud of your accomplishments. However, having success doesn’t change what you are any more than having money, beauty or authority does for all the same reasons. Success isn’t a force of nature. It’s a perception that doesn’t exist anywhere else except in your mind, and your idea of success is different from everyone else’s. So if you believe you’re successful, it’s only because you’ve achieved your personal goals. That doesn’t mean you’re worth more than the day you were born or that you’re worth more than anyone else who hasn’t achieved what you’ve achieved.

Also, just because you’ve achieved something doesn’t mean the thing you achieved matters. There are a lot of people out there constantly succeeding, yet constantly failing to achieve anything meaningful in life.

By your failures

It’s easy to view your failures as proof that you’re incapable, inferior, defective, and worthless. But again, this is just your perception. The goals you’re failing to achieve may not even be important, and you might be beating yourself up for failing to live a counterproductive lifestyle.

Any goal you want to achieve requires mastery of some skill, and the only way to hone a skill is by practicing. Only by doing things wrong can you learn how to do them right. There’s really no such thing as failure. There’s only the learning processes. So if you’re failing at something, that means you’re on the path to mastery. Granted, it might not feel like you’re mastering anything if say, your marriage fails and you lose your house, but your tragedy will teach you lessons that could have prevented your loss if you’d known them earlier. Look, no sports team gets to win every game, but the only way to win after a loss is to keep playing and apply the lessons that cost you so dearly to learn.

Suppose you did screw up big once or twice or a thousand times, and you learned all the lessons you should have from those mistakes… but you still feel guilty for screwing up so bad in the first place at all. If that’s the case, your heart is in the right place, but your perception is shortsighted. You wouldn’t have made the mistakes you made then if you knew the things you knew now. Since you didn’t know the things you know now, there’s no way you could have made the right decisions then. You hadn’t experienced enough of life to know the right thing to do, and the only way you were ever going to learn about life is by experiencing it unprepared. Sure, if you screwed up, then on some level, that’s bad or else it wouldn’t need to be corrected, but on the cosmic scale of things, failure is growth.

By how much you’re mistreated

The subconscious processes in your brain tend to associate the way you’re treated with your self-image. That’s just human nature. Maybe it’s a design flaw, or maybe there’s a higher purpose. We don’t know. However, we do know that if you take a pair of identical twin babies and raise one in an abusive house and another in a loving house, the one in the loving house will grow up with higher self-esteem. So the difference isn’t the individual, it’s the environment.

You can only base your perception of reality on what you’ve learned from your environment, but even though you’re a product of your environment, you’re more than that. You have the capacity to consciously build on what you’ve learned. So if a lifetime of abuse has left you feeling depressed, you should see a mental health professional and learn the facts of life that weren’t handed to you by the people you ended up surrounded by. One of the things a mental health professional will likely teach you is that when people are abusive, they’re usually just projecting their own fears, traumas, stresses and negative self-image. In other words, people don’t treat you according to who you are. They treat you according to who they perceive you to be, which is a shadow of who they see themselves to be.

By what ancient mythology says you’re worth

Humans have invented thousands of religions, but none of them pass every test for truth. They all contain scientifically inaccurate claims, speculation, contradictions, absurdities and moral values that reflect the cultures that produced them. There isn’t one single religion that humans could rediscover and recreate exactly the way it was originally written, because they’re all based on the personal experiences, values, prejudices, misunderstandings and speculations of the original authors.

Every religion humans have ever created contain enough evidence to fit the definition of mythology. Sometimes mythologies teach us that God loves us, but they tend to also teach us that we don’t deserve to be loved by God. They tend to teach that we’re sinners who need to atone for our evil ways. Often times they teach us that humans can be divided into the righteous and the wicked or the high caste and the low caste. These claims can’t be backed up with empirical evidence. They’re just ideas created by people who don’t understand their place in the universe. I’m not saying that I understand our place in the universe, but I do know that you shouldn’t base your self-worth on any belief system which passes the mythology test.

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Why your muscles hurt

You might be suffering from repetitive strain injury

You probably live in suburbia, where you wake up every morning on an old mattress. You get out of bed, put on your work clothes and an old pair of shoes. You make breakfast standing up in your kitchen, and sit at a table to eat it. Then you sit in your car and hold your hands on the steering wheel and drive to work, where you spend all day doing the exact same thing you did every day before. Then you sit in your car and hold your hands on the steering wheel as you drive home and spend the better part of your evening sitting on a couch or at a desk.

If you hold your body in the same positions all day every day, and you perform the same motions with your limbs all day every day, it’s only a matter of time until the muscles you overuse get tight and knotted, and the muscles you use less, atrophy. When that happens, your tight muscles will pull and hold your skeleton in a contorted position that your atrophied muscles are powerless to prevent. Your body will try to correct the contortion by tightening other muscle groups in an increasingly counterproductive attempt to straighten your body. The longer this goes on, the worse your muscles will hurt.

Simply varying your daily routine can reduce muscle strain and prevent muscle pain… but there are only so many different ways you can sit in a chair, hold a steering wheel or perform your job. For most people, it’s impossible to completely avoid repetitive stress injury. You can minimize and treat it though by varying your routine and following the rest of the advice in this list.

You might want to buy better shoes, pillows and mattresses.

Your brain is constantly figuring out how hard it needs to tell every muscle in your body to flex in order to keep you from just falling to the floor like a puddle of jelly. Your brain also constantly figures out which muscles it needs to flex in order to hold your body in a position where you can walk straight with your eyes level.

When external factors like cheap shoes, a cheap bed, or a serious injury tilts the posture of your skeleton off balance, the muscles in your body automatically tighten/loosen to hold your skeleton in a way that allows you to walk forward with your eyes level despite whatever factors are throwing your posture off.

Another way bad posture can cause muscle pain is by creating an imbalance in your fascia. Every individual muscle in your body is basically shrink-wrapped in stretchy film called fascia, and every group of muscles is wrapped in an additional layer of fascia. Where two muscles meet, their fascia connects. These bags don’t flex like muscles; they just passively conform to whatever shape they’re stretched in. If your skeleton is tilted off balance in the same way, every day, eventually your fascia is going to get over/under stretched around the muscles you over/under use. These awkwardly stretched/stressed bags are going to pinch your muscles, causing pain. And since all of the fascia bags around your muscles are ultimately connected, that means stretching the fascia in the top of your body can pull the fascia at the bottom of your body, causing pain in a completely separate location from where the real problem is. The longer your fascia conforms to bad posture, the more it sets and becomes tougher and less pliable. That will reinforce the bad posture that’s stressing your muscles and causing you pain.

You’re going to spend half your life in your shoes, and the other half in your bed. If they don’t support your body ergonomically, you will develop muscle injury and pain. So spending money on a good bed, good pillows and good shoes will bring your more happiness than buying pretty much anything else that costs less than $1,000.

You might want to stretch more.

Each of your muscles is made up of millions of fibers that are about as thick as a strand of hair. Muscle fibers are made of living cells that consume food, generate energy, die and need to be replaced. Each fiber is also made of thousands of microscopic chambers that contain moving parts that latch onto each other when injected with calcium and release when the calcium is drained. When you strain your muscles, they become inflamed, which can constrict the microscopic chambers in your muscle fibers and cause them to seize up. This will trap the calcium being used to activate the machinery in your muscle fiber chambers to get trapped there, which means that fiber won’t be able to relax. To make matters worse, since your muscle fibers are living cells, they’re always producing waste, and eventually they all die. If the chambers of your muscle fibers are damaged and locked up, your body won’t be able to flush out all the cellular poop and dead cells. All the toxic debris in your muscles will cause inflammation and pain to the surrounding areas.

Simply stretching your muscles can do a lot to unjam the dysfunctional compartments in your muscle fibers. Probably more important than that though, stretching lengthens the constricted fascia around your muscles that is pinching and suffocating them.

Taking yoga classes could be one of the best things you ever do for yourself. If you’re just not going to do yoga, you would probably benefit from doing some simple military stretches daily. If nothing else, make a point to stretch your limbs out like a cat when you get out of bed. Every little bit helps.

You might want to exercise more.

Every organ system in your body is intimately connected. The healthier one of them is, the healthier they all are. The sicker one is, the sicker they all are. Exercise makes all of your organ systems healthier. The healthier your heart and circulatory system are, the better your body can send oxygen to your muscles, remove waste, repair itself and fight disease. The better your bones are, the stronger of a connection your muscles will have with your bones. If the pulleys that are wrapped all around your skeleton aren’t firmly attached, you’re going to have a wobbly pulley system, and something is going to tear eventually. If your respiratory system isn’t working well, you’re going to have a hard time getting oxygen to your thirsty muscles. If your digestive system isn’t working well, you’re not going to be able to get energy to your tired muscles. I’m not saying exercising will cure every problem in every organ system. I’m just saying, if you want to avoid pain, you should be exercising.

When you work out your muscles, it immediately stimulates blood flow in your muscles, which helps flush in things your muscles need and flush out things they don’t. It also breaks up stagnant tissue, preventing fibrous tissue build, and it stretches your fascia, which prevents it from hardening. Of course, exercise makes your muscles grow, and the stronger your muscles are, the less likely they are to hurt after doing simple physical activities.  When all of your muscles are strong, then the ones you overwork a little too much won’t have such a disastrous effect on weaker opposing muscle groups. Then your muscles will be able to hold your skeleton straighter, and you’ll never experience the chain reaction of connected muscle groups seizing up to correct each other’s bad posture.

You might want to drink more water.

There are several trillion cells in your body, and several billion of them die every day. All the cells in your body are replaced every few months. Your cells are about 78% water, and everything they do requires water. In order to feed all your healthy cells and flush out your body, there’s about 100,000 miles of tubes crammed in your body that circulate about 5 liters of blood through your body about 50 times a day. Your blood is about 92% water, and your kidneys remove about 2 liters of waste-water from your blood stream every day in the form of urine.

Your entire body is about 60% water, which means you’re basically a walking waterfall. If you don’t drink enough water, the micro-machinery in your body won’t be able to grow to full size, function at full capacity, feed, clean or rebuild itself properly. This negatively affects every cell in your body. To put it in perspective, dehydration is worse for your body than smoking. I’m not saying that drinking water will cure all your health problems. I’m just saying, if you want to avoid pain, you should be drinking about 2 liters of water every day.

You might want to improve your diet.

The human body is more complicated than the Internet. It’s made up of reproducing, regenerating cells that perform millions of unique actions that require different nutrients. Bones build themselves with calcium, and muscles use calcium to contract. Most of your cells use protein, and all your cells use glucose for energy. Antioxidants keep the atomic structure of your cells stable. This list could go on for thousands of pages. The point is, eating healthy is responsible for a reason. Your body is a complex machine that requires specific types and quantities of nutrients to operate efficiently. If you don’t give your body what it needs, it won’t work correctly, and it will create pain to alert you to the problem. If you do eat healthily, every organ system in your body will work better and be more able to overcome any pain-inducing problems within its self.

Your muscles and skeleton are designed to work best at your optimal body weight. An unhealthy diet that puts on unnecessary weight will naturally strain your bones and muscles. Eating healthily will help you lose weight and improve your organ system functions better than dieting or exercising alone. This doesn’t mean you don’t have to exercise. It just means that until you’re eating healthily, you won’t be able to achieve and maintain your ideal body weight or enjoy all the benefits of having healthy organ systems no matter what else you do. If you’re already eating healthy and you’re not losing weight, talk to your doctor about what else you can do achieve your health goals. If you choose to drink sodas and eat fast food every day, understand that it’s only a matter of time before you develop muscle pains. If you accept that, then that’s your prerogative. It’s none of my business how you choose to live your life, but I (and your doctor) really think you’d be happier if you fed your body more of what it needs and less of what it doesn’t. That’s all I have to say about that. Do with it what you will.

You might want a massage

Massage isn’t just for rich, spoiled spouses who want to be pampered. Almost everyone in the world can benefit tremendously from massage. I would go as far as saying that it’s as important to see a massage therapist as it is to see a dentist. Massage relaxes and lengthens your overworked muscles and tones your underworked ones. It breaks up adhesions and lengthens your fascia. It stimulates blood flow, which helps nourish and clean your muscles. It also stimulates lymph flow, which increases the speed at which your body removes toxic material from your body. Just the simple act of a compassionate human touch has positive physical effects on your organ systems. Plus, it’s emotionally rewarding and stress reducing. Most importantly, your massage therapists can identify over/underworked muscles in your body and work with you to develop a plan to help you avoid recreating the same muscle pains in the future. If your muscles are hurting, you should seriously consider seeing someone who is professionally trained and licensed to fix muscle pain.

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