Tag Archives: loki taunts the dead

This Was Your Life: Two Social Justice Warriors

This is the 30th episode in an ongoing series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased at the gate to the afterlife.  

sjw small

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This was your life: Hitler

This is the 27th episode in an ongoing series in which Loki taunts the recently deceased.

Hitler comic

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This Was Your Life: Hillary Clinton And Donald Trump

This is the 25th comic in an ongoing series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt mortals. 

CLINTON AND TRUMP

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This Was Your Life: The Jew

This is the 23rd comic in an ongoing series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.

Click anywhere on the comic to enlarge it.

this was your life the jew

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This was your life: The Racist

This comic strip is the 12th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.

 racist

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Transcript: 

On an endless stretch of cloud there is an endless white picket fence. In the middle of the fence is a spot where several boards are missing, creating a passage through the fence. Standing in the break in the fence stands a short demon with pointy ears who is covered in blood. There is also blood splattered all over the fence around him. Behind the fence is a man with a long white beard. He’s wearing a blue jumpsuit and a green hat. Standing next to him is another man wearing a blue jump suit, green hat and glasses.  A man wearing an astronaut uniform approaches them.

Racist: Excuse me. I think I might be… whoa! There’s a lot of blood on this fence.

Loki: Don’t mind that. It’s nothing.

Racist: What about the demon covered in blood? Should I be worried about that.?

Stranger: He’s not a problem as long as you don’t make any sudden movements or cross this fence.

Racist: I think I might have just died along with two of my other crew mates.

Loki: Yep. All of that just happened.

Racist: Can you tell me what happened to my other crew mates?

Stranger: They’re both suffering an eternity of needless agony at the hands of a loving god because they failed the test.

Racist: *Gasp* What test?

Loki: If the weight of your sins are too heavy, you will fall through the clouds and down into The Great Darkness, and you will never see the paradise behind this fence.

Racist: Oh, no! Please tell me masturbating isn’t a sin.

Loki: There are only three sins.

Stranger: The first and greatest sin is believing in mythology.

Racist: Wait. What?

Loki: You obviously can’t get into Heaven unless you believe in the right god, and every religion is mythology. So if you believe in religion, you get that wrong.

Racist: Well, I never really believed in religion.

Stranger: Then when we run your credit score you should be fine there.

Racist: Okaaay. So what are the other two sins?

Loki: The second sin is not having children.

Racist: Seriously?

Stranger: Serious as a heart attack.

Loki: The meaning of life is to create more life. It defeats the purpose of living if you don’t have kids. When you get horny, that’s The Holy Spirit speaking God’s will to you, and woe unto those who hear but do not listen.

Racist: So everyone who didn’t have kids is suffering for all eternity?

Loki: Ass well they should be. Not reproducing is morally equivalent to murdering every possible descendant who would have existed had you done your biological duty. The consequences of such a failure are potentially infinite, and so must be the punishment.

Racist: What about people who can’t have kids?

Stranger: Yep. They go into the pit too.

Racist: But that’s not fair.

Loki: Yeah, well, life’s not fair.

Stranger: God works in mysterious ways, don’t you know?

Demon: And nobody asked you.

Racist: I had kids, but they died tragically before they reproduced. So where does that leave me?

Stranger: Hey, you did your part. The buck falls on your kids, and therefore they’re never going to stop being tortured.

Racist: I think I’m going to be sick.

Loki: And the third sin is racism.

Racist: … You mean like…

Stranger: Like good old fashioned, skin-hating racism.

Racist: Why is racism on the list, but killing isn’t?

Loki: There are times when killing is justified, like self-defense or when another ethnic group is living on the land promised to your ethnic group by God. And you know, everybody was born with different intelligence levels and different life experiences. Most serial killers had lives so shockingly horrible that they practically didn’t have a choice in what they became.

Racist: Are you saying it’s okay to be a serial killer?

Stranger: All we’re saying is that you have to take everything into account.

Racist: This moral test is absurd to the point of being unbelievable.

Demon: Hey, look who thinks he’s smarter than God.

Loki: Even if life came with an instruction book, your puny mind couldn’t comprehend the true and total cosmic basis of morality.

Stranger: So in God’s infinite wisdom and compassion, he dumbed down the rules to three simple things he figured you couldn’t get wrong.

Racist: But you just said that God tortures people forever if they can’t have kids, and it’s okay to kill other ethnic groups for living in the wrong place.

Stranger: So? What’s your point?

Racist: Those rules aren’t wise or compassionate, and ethnic cleansing is specifically racist, which makes God and astounding hypocrite.

Stranger: None of this is contradictory or hypocritical at all. It’s just mysterious.

Racist: Maybe I’m missing something here. Explain to me how what you’re saying isn’t completely nuts.

Stranger: No. You just have to have faith.

Demon: You do have faith in God, don’t you? Go ahead. Say you don’t. Make my day.

Racist: Uuuuuuf course I have faith in God. I just wish I understood why a racist god is against racism.

Loki: Life is war, and moral accountability gets blurred in the fog of war, but the simplest, most obvious moral truth in the universe is that racism is stupid. If you can’t figure that out then you’re defective, and you gotta go.

Stranger: Same goes for any ethnic group that stands in the way of God’s people building God’s brick and mortar house on Earth.

Racist: I still don’t get it.

Loki: Nobody expected you to. Now would the blood soaked demon please run this gentleman’s credit history report?

Demon: It shall be done. Beep beep boop beep boop boop bop. It is finished.

Loki: And what does the report say?

Demon: It says we got ourselves a big ole’ fat racist over here. There’s no point denying it. The all seeing eye knows how damn racist you are.

Racist: But I support Israel’s genocidal campaign against the Palestinians. So I’m on God’s side.

Loki: God never said anyone could kill anyone else and take their land, dummy.

Stranger: Now let’s talk about how racist you are against illegal immigrants with darker skin than you, which ironically, there aren’t very many of.

Racist But they’re taking our jobs!

Stranger: I’m confused as to why you get mad when human beings move from one place to another place an then beat other human beings in job interviews.

Loki: Do you get mad at people who move from one state to another? Do you want to scream at absolutely everyone who turns in a job application at the same place as you?

Stranger: Immigrants don’t deserve the chance to compete with me. I can’t even begin to list all the rights and opportunities that should be available to me and nobody else.

Loki: So you’re saying that human beings don’t deserve the same rights and opportunities as human beings? Real classy. That’s the definition of oppression.

Demon: How do you not see how illogical your worldview is?

Racist: You’re all hypocrites. I mean, let’s be honest. Stereotypes exist for a reason, and there are some neighborhoods you wouldn’t want to raise your kids in.

Stranger: You can make anyone dangerous by trapping them in a hopeless, desperate environment, but that’s got nothing to do with skin color. You do realize why people have different color skin, don’t you?

Racist: Yes. Er, maybe. Why?

Stranger: Skin color is caused by pigmented cells produced by your body to protect itself from the sun.

Racist: Duh, I knew that.

Loki: And how did you figure that has any correlation with behavior?

Racist: Our brains are different too.

Loki: You mean the cosmic super computer in your head that magically assembled itself out of inanimate vibrating energy?

Racist: Yes…. That.

Loki: You think you got a better one than everyone else, and that gives you the right to be mean to other people and deny them the same basic dignities you take for granted?

Racist: Ummmm. Yes?

Loki: Why the hell would an infinitely wise and loving God create His children in a tiered ranking caste system based on any criteria, let alone one as meaningless as skin color?

Stranger: I think you’re friggin hopeless, and Heaven is too good for you.

Demon: You’re a huge disappointment to your mother and I.

Racist: Please don’t drop me through the clouds into The Great Darkness. I apologize for being so damn racist. I’ll never do it again. I love everyone.

Loki: Oh, well in that case, you’re forgiven.

Racist: Really?

Demon: Haven’t you been listening to anything these guys have been saying? God is logical and merciful.

Loki: Yeah. Everyone deserves a second chance, and God doesn’t want to have to torture you for all eternity. He only does it when you don’t leave him any other choice.

Racist: God still seems like a bit of a hypocrite, but who am I to question God, right? Sooo, which way is Heaven?

Demon: Pass through the fecne and keep walking towards the clouds. In time you will meet a sphinx. Speak with it.

Racist: You’re not going to eat me if I pass through the fence?

Demon: What!? Just because of the way I look, you think I go around eating people? Are you being racist again?

Racist: Well, you are covered in blood.

Demon: I’m the janitor. I was cleaning this mess up before you showed up and started walking everywhere I just mopped.

Racist: I didn’t think your kind could be janitors.

Demon: Oh, my kind, huh? And my kind isn’t good enough to be janitors, huh?

Racist: Can I just go now?

Demon: I think you should.

500 years later the racist is still wandering among endless clouds.

Racist: Where the hell is that damn sphinx?

500 more years later the racist finds a house cat who is the size of a bus.

Racist: Oh my God! Are you the sphinx? Can you help me? I’ve been so alone for so long.

Sphinx: * sniff * sniff * Do you smell that?

Racist: No. What?

Sphinx: Something around here smells awfully racist.

The End.


This Was Your Life: Spiritual But Not Religious

This comic strip is the 10th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.spiritual but not religious

Transcript

Loki and his friend stand in front of an opening in an endless fence on an endless cloud. Three traffic cones block the path through the fence. Loki and his friend are wearing blue jump suits and green hats. Loki has a long white beard. A woman approaches them.

Woman: The clouds are so pretty.

Stranger: This way, butterfly.

Loki: Before you say anything, I just want to say, don’t panic. You just passed out, and this is all a dream.

Woman: Whew. What a relief.

Loki: Just kidding. You totally crossed the wrong wires and blew up. These are The Pearly Gates, and we are…

Woman: What gates?

Stranger: Oh, uh. They’re under repair.

Woman: Can’t God fix them?

Loki: Who said God exists?

Woman: So God doesn’t exist?

Loki: The more important question is, what did you believe?

Stranger: Does God exist? What’s the meaning of life? What makes a man? What is the true measure of morality? Why do doves cry?

Woman: Well, I think that we all just have to do our best and be kind to one another.

Stranger: And…

Woman: That’s it.

Loki: What do you mean, that’s it?

Woman: That’s the extent of my understanding and philosophy on life.

Loki: You mean to tell me, you had a cosmic supercomputer in your head for 29 years, and the extent of your worldview can be summed up in a sentence that’s vague to the point of being useless?

Stranger: What do you call this belief system of yours, nihilism?

Woman: I’m spiritual but not religious.

Loki:What does that even mean?

Woman: It means I find wonder and awe in the universe, but…

Stranger: But that wonder and awe never affect your actions in any significant way.

Woman: What? Like going to church? I’ve never really felt drawn to major religions.

Loki: Which is just as well. If you had bothered to read them you’d know they’re all mythologies.

Stranger: But did you ever think about the purpose of life outside of organized religion?

Loki: Well, I just think that there are some things in life that we weren’t mean to know. You know?

Stranger: So how do you decide what to do if you have no compass whatsoever?

Woman: I go to work in the mornings. I go home in the evenings. I watch TV and buy things. I like to hang out with friends and go to movies.

Stranger: Is that what you were planning on doing with the rest of your life?

Woman: What else would I do with my life?

Loki: Okaaaaaay. Ma’am, I’m going to need you to step away for a few minutes while my associate and I confer.

Woman: Okey dokey.

The woman leaves.

Stranger: What are you doing? This wasn’t in the script.

Loki: This woman is brain dead. She’s living on autopilot. She’s the embodiment of the word, “sheeple.”

Stranger: Exactly. She’s easy prey to screw with. I mean, we could tell her anything.

Loki: We may as well be mocking a brick wall. I take no joy in this. I’m leaving.

Loki leaves.

Stranger: Don’t friggin bail on me! This was your idea in the first place.

Stranger: Hey, lady. You can come back now.

Woman: Okay. Where’s your friend at?

Stranger: He uh, got called away on very important business in the underworld.

Woman: So what were you two talking about?

Stranger:  We uh, were trying to decide if there was any reason to go easy on you.

Woman: What!? But I never did anything bad.

Stranger: The problem is you never did anything… at all. 14 billion years went into creating you. From the quantum particles, to the atoms, to the molecules, to the cells that make up your body, a God-like level of genius, power and time went into your design. You were given control of an impossibly robust machine, and you used it to watch TV, go shopping and hang out?

Woman: Well, what else was I supposed to do?

Loki: What were you supposed to do!? What were you supposed to do!?

Woman: Is that your friend?

Stranger: Ugh.

Loki: What do you use a hammer for? To hit nails. What do you use a toaster for? To toast bread. What do you use an autonomous, bipedal supercomputer with opposable thumbs for? To watch TV and out!? Are you kidding me?

Woman: You’re back from the underworld awfully quick.

Stranger: Speaking of the underworld, it looks like they’re paging me. Gotta go.

Loki:Wait. What?

Stranger: Have fun with your client, sucker.

Loki: Well played. Well played.

Woman: You’re not very organized around here.

Loki: Silence, mortal. We work in mysterious ways. Back to the matter at hand. The problem is that you fulfilled basically zero of your potential. Do you have any idea how many souls would have killed to be in your body? Do you have any idea how many souls would have used your body to solve world hunger and build an enlightened galactic empire? Oh, how they’ve cringed in the darkness watching you squander one of the few golden tickets acting like a child and binging on candy.

Woman: But I’m just a simple girl from a simple town. I was never destined for greatness.

Stranger: Greatness!? Greatness!? Forget about Greatness!!!

Woman: I think your friend is back.

Loki: Yeah, I got that. Thanks.

Stranger: You couldn’t have become the queen of the world if you tried, but you were given a gift with certain potential. And what you could do… you didn’t.

Woman: So… am I in trouble?

Loki: Personally, I don’t care what happens to you. I’m leaving.

Stranger: Dammit.

Loki leaves.

Woman: What’s going on? Who are you guys, exactly?

Stranger: Uhhhhh. I’m uhhhhh. Gotta go. Bye.

The Stranger leaves.

Woman: Are you coming back? So… should I just wait here? Or should I go ahead and let myself through the gate? Okay, I’ll just step over these cones then.

The woman steps over the cones and crosses to the other side of the fence.

Woman: Hmmm. Should I go left or right?

Stranger: Trespasser! Trespasser!

Loki: She’s trespassing on the holy land!

Stranger: Blasphemy! Blasphemy!

Woman: Oh, dear.

Loki: We have failed to protect the gate while it was under renovation, and now the cosmic balance has been upset!

Stranger: This realm is now doomed to eons of darkness where there will be constant weeping and gnashing of teeth!

Loki: Aaaaaaaagh! Run for your lives! Save yourself!

Stranger: Aaaaaaagh!

Loki and The Stranger run away, leaving the woman by herself.

Stranger: Uh, guys? Guys?

The End.


This Was Your Life: Two Randoms

This comic strip is the 8th episode in a series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased.silly beliefs

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:

Transcript

Two astronauts suddenly find themselves walking on an endless cloud. They approach a large, ornate set of gates. Standing in front of the gates are two men wearing blue jump suits and green hats. One man has a long, white beard.

Astronaut 1: Houston, we have a problem. Houston, do you copy?

Stranger: Give it up, guys. There’s no reception down here.

Loki: You need to change service providers. I got full bars.

Astronaut 1: Ah, dang it. Looks like we’re dead.

Astronaut 2: I guess we failed the mission.

Stranger: Water under the bridge, fellas. Now that you’re here, do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?

Astronaut 1: Let’s start with the good news first.

Stranger: The mission failure wasn’t your fault. In fact, both of you did pretty much everything right in life. You pushed yourself almost to the limits of your potential and accomplished many things that made the world a better place. So kudos to you.

Astronaut 2: That’s interesting you’re congratulating both of us, because we believe in different religions. So one of us must be wrong.

Loki: That’s the bad news. Would you believe it if we told you that you’re both wrong?

Astronaut 1: But my religion has been around for centuries. It has over a billion followers. Surely’ it’s the word of God.

Astronaut 2: And my religion was founded by a modern day prophet. God spoke through him and continues to speak through our council of elders.

Stranger: *sigh*

Astronaut 2: What’s that dramatic sigh for?

Loki: For as smart as you two are, you sure believe real hard in some easily falsifiable information.

Stranger: One of you believes in a pantheon of off-the-wall gods that fit the definition of mythology exactly.

Loki: And the other believes in a prophet who was a known con artist and whose story is as flimsy as wet toilet paper.

Astronaut 1: *Gasp*

Astronaut 2: How dare you judge us!!!

Stranger: Simmer down, princess. There’s no punity or condescension in our words. It’s just a cold, simple fact that your beliefs are based more on man’s imagination than reality.

Astronaut 1: You can’t say that to us! Who do you think you are? It’s our right to believe in what we feel is true, and we’re entitled to freedom from persecution.

Astronaut 2: Yeah, the mayor of prejudiceville just called. He wants to give you the key to the city.

Loki: *sigh*

Stranger: Sure, you can have the freedom to believe in things that are obviously untrue, but your rights don’t make untrue things true.

Loki: Neither does the strength of your conviction or intensity of your moral outrage.

Astronaut 1: Well, maybe we’re not wrong. Maybe we’re all right, and each religion offers one piece of the puzzle.

Stranger: Uh, yeah. When you put together all the religions humans have created, they form a clear picture of mythology.

Astronaut 2: But as long as our beliefs aren’t hurting anyone, what does it matter if we base our lives on random, absurd fantasies?

Stranger: Because you’re wasting your invaluable time chasing fantasy-based goals. You may as well just devote your life to playing World of Warcraft.

Astronaut 2:Now that’s definitely not fair. We have church bake sales all the time to raise money for all the poor people whose prayers were never answered by God.

Stranger: If everyone who ever believed in mythology, had devoted their lives to studying the universe, asking questions and questioning their answers, humans would have eliminated poverty and colonized Mars long ago.

Loki: Instead, you spent your lives going through meaningless motions, talking to yourselves and not fulfilling your highest potential.

Stranger: And humanity can’t fulfill its potential unless every individual fulfills theirs.

Astronaut 1: I’ve had just about enough of your condescending rudeness. You’re a big fat jerk, and I feel sorry for people like you.

Loki: Yeah, you’re not being persecuted. Your righteous indignation is really just cognitive dissonance rejecting reality.

Astronaut 1: I can’t tell you how butt hurt I am right now. I think I’m going to cry.

Astronaut 2: Look what you’ve done, jerk. Is that what you wanted? Well, I hope you’re happy now.

Stranger: You’re right. I’m sorry I tried to point out that two plus two equals four when I should have just respected your right to believe that two plus two equals three, five, or whatever random number you happen to feel drawn to.

Astronaut 1: Apology accepted.

Astronaut 2: So what happens now? Do we both get to go through the pearly gates to Heaven?

Loki: Hold on, Speedy. The Cosmos demand one final test before you can enter eternal paradise.

Astronaut 1: What’s the final test?

Stranger: You two have to beat us in a staring contest.

Astronaut 1: You obviously just made that up. It’s completely random.

Stranger: No more random than anything else you believe about life and death. But unlike the rest of your beliefs, this is real.

Loki: Just so you know, my record for staring is 7 million years, but luckily for you, I’m getting impatient in my old age.

The end.


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