Tag Archives: twitter

Tweets by The Wise Sloth: Feb 2017-April 2017

  • My entire life I haven’t been waiting to see what problem my president solves next, I’ve been waiting to see what problem he creates next.
  • Watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles growing up, it always confused me that the smartest member of the team wasn’t the leader.
  • Bruce Wayne should have hired 10,000 mercenaries and a wise council to fight evil instead of spending millions on a one-man vigilante fetish
  • “Teaching kids that the Earth is 6k years old is like teaching them that the distance across the United States is 17 feet.” Lawrence Krauss (paraphrased)
  • The more you tell yourself the world is on your shoulders, the more it will feel like it.
  • It might save the world if everyone criticizes three things about their group every time they criticize one thing about another group.
  • If your plan to fight poverty involves making the rich, richer, you don’t understand economics.
  • Moderate Americans and Muslims should strategize to redouble their efforts to educate their extreme members instead of passively enabling them
  • It baffles me how people absorb news and wisdom from around the world on phones, then use the same apps to say technology is tearing us apart.
  • You can tell the size of someone’s weed habit by the size of their grinder.

  • Just once I’d like to hear an American president tell all Americans to not act like victims and throw tantrums when their flaws are exposed.
  • The road to bankruptcy and debt is paved with “opportunities of a lifetime.”
  • America’s education system is so broken, it would be better to go 100% digital and close all brick and mortar schools.
  • The more rules you have to follow that stress you out, the more likely your soldiers and/or politicians must be failing at their job.
  • The more often and intensely you’re afraid of accidentally or unintentionally breaking the law, the more likely you live in a police state.
  • It baffles me that in 2017 there are still people who believe politicians care about what people who haven’t given them money think.
  • If you believe your bank cares about you, you’re wildly mistaken. Their job isn’t to help you get money. Their job is to take your money.
  • We need yard work appreciation day, where he who does all the yard work relaxes while his family experiences his pain for one day each year.
  • Most self-help, motivation and leadership books either teach how to be a more enthusiastic slave or slaver.
  • I want an app that calculates the shortest path and with the least amount of turns to mow your lawn.
  • “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. It’s your convictions that make you vulnerable to lies.”
  • “If the same kind of thing keeps happening to you over and over, it’s probably not other people or random chance.”

  • I love how freedom of religion prevents oppression but hate how much it’s used to justify oppressing those who want to be free from religion
  • I bet most people in North Korea don’t put any stock in the book, “The Secret.”
  • “The most dangerous lie is the one closest to the truth.”
  • If the Easter Bunny were a unicorn, we wouldn’t celebrate Easter, because it would force us to confront the fact that we celebrate mythology
  • You’d think humans would have learned by now, when a politician asks for more power, it’s for their benefit, at your expense.
  • Either all your exes are jerks or nobody wants to stay with a spoiled brat who throws hate-tantrums every time you don’t get what you want.
  • Radical SJWs and feminists need to embrace Abraham Lincoln’s words, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
  • Americans need licenses to do anything but go to church. As long as that line isn’t crossed, we accept having to apply/pay for our freedoms.
  • I wish Americans were as concerned with the freedom to buy medicine without a prescription as they are about freedom of religion.
  • It would solve so many problems later in life if schools taught children how to take a hint.
  • “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.”David Brinkley
  • “People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” Unknown
  • The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them.” Jim Henson
  • The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work.” Harry Golden
  • Just once I’d like to hear America’s celebrity doctors say America’s health care system could be fixed by doctors boycotting insurance.

  • You cross a line and do something to your soul when you wear sweat pants to a strip club.
  • You can’t pretend you’re not old anymore after you start meeting kids who are too young to remember the things that defined your childhood.
  • The more you find yourself telling people to give your hero a second chance, the more likely you should give your hero a second look.
  • The more passionately you support any American politician, the more you should doubt your objectivity and double check you’re not wrong.
  • Americans have proven they can’t protest without rioting. It’s about time they try something different.
  • There tends to be an inverse correlation between the amount of time you spend complaining and the amount of time you spend doing something.
  • Just because someone says something you disagree with, that doesn’t mean they’re against you. They may just be for facts, and you’re wrong.
  • “The real problem of humanity … we have Palaeolithic emotions; medieval institutions; and godlike technology.”
  • I wish humanity was as passionate about devoting resources to emigrating off Earth as we are stopping people from immigrating around Earth.
  • “We will not believe more than we know, and we will not live higher than our beliefs.”
  • When Christians say they don’t know or believe the Bible unambiguously approves of slavery, I assume they’re totally Biblically illiterate.
  • It’s baffling how many parents give their children religious books they’ve never read as their primary instruction book on life.
  • It’s baffling how few parents have written instruction books for life to give to their children.
  • Every time you watch a TV commercial, you get dumber.
  • If you still trust American news stations after the 2016 POTUS election, your standards of journalistic ethics are catastrophically low.
  • Wisdom is too important to wait for it to fall into your lap. Not constantly seeking/collecting it is how you stay an idiot your whole life.
  • If you can’t make yourself happy, you will inevitably make your lover miserable.
  • There are two types of rules: 1. Time-tested best practices for accomplishing a goal 2. Bullshit someone made up to control others

  • The longer you complain about being a victim, but have no plan to fix anything, the more likely you just have a delusional victim complex.
  • Give Trump a chance, they said. Every chance he’s had, he proved his worst critics right. How many more chances does he get?
  • America would be a very different place if Trump’s supporters were as critical of him as they were of Obama.
  • Trump bombed Syria for using WMDs. Then he uses a MOAB in Afghanistan, which has never been used because it fits the criteria of a WMD.
  • The quickest way to piss off someone in a cult is to tell them they’re in a cult.
  • Schools should have classes that teach you how/why not to throw tantrums when you don’t get what you want.
  • The easiest way to distract Americans is to make a controversial, heart-wrenching human interest story go viral.
  • A guy getting kicked off an overbooked flight is not the most important thing happening today and not what everyone should be talking about.
  • Aliens would be baffled by how much comedy humans watch on TV while our world is dying from wars, corruption, atrocities, oppression and waste

  • Proving to people you’re right all the time is more likely a symptom of your insecurity and shortsightedness than strength and genius.
  • Politicians and soldiers should be as concerned about protecting us from insurance companies as they are about protecting us from terrorists
  • If politicians could be dishonorably discharged for negligence, bad conduct and crime, all of America’s congress would qualify for one.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician advocate setting limits to how many laws a politician can break before being dishonorably discharged
  • “The price of originality is criticism. The value of originality is priceless.”
  • American culture teaches children to question how things have always been done almost as much as it teaches them traditions are sacrosanct.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician talk about the need for grocery store reform because the system we got is creating obesity and poverty
  • Masculinity is toxic, said no feminist to their mechanics, plumbers, or soldiers ever.
  • Congressmen/women, who are picked by voters in single states, get to decide laws that affect every other state. Totally defeats the purpose.
  • At least once in my life, I’d like to hear a politician say voters should have the ability to veto politicians out of office by popular vote.
  • The reason cheerleaders exist is to cover up the fact that sports are boring.
  • If massage therapists have to do continuing education to keep their job, so should Congress.
  • My high school history teacher once told my class America was founded by criminals, slaves and religious freaks. It seems nothing has changed.
  • Growing experiences tend to come with growing pains. Accept it. Embrace it. Get on with it.

  • When a woman complains to you about a problem, don’t offer solutions and rationalizations. Just actively listen. All you have to do is wait.
  • Writers have two choices: 1. Write about the most important topics they can. 2. Write things that distract people from more important topics
  • The angrier the poor get at the rich, the more the media tells them to be angry at another group of people.
  • If you believe there’s a liberal conspiracy to destroy America, the problem is you believe anything any fear-peddling shock jock sells you.
  • Knowledge is knowing the right answers. Wisdom is asking the right questions.
  • Rod Serling’s monologs in “The Twilight Zone” tend to make as much sense as The Ultimate Warrior’s monologs in the WWF.

  • Your job is more of an opportunity for your employer than for you.
  • Women, you can’t make your boyfriend or husband better by bitching at him. You can only do that by loving, supporting and building him up.
  • Anyone pissed about white privilege would have their jealousy cured by spending a week living with me in my trailer by the train tracks.
  • The more times you’ve justified beating someone smaller than you, the more likely you’re a god damn ass hole.
  • The more attention you pay to sports, the less important things you learn or act on.
  • Neither God or our ancestors would be proud of how our economy is designed to fuck people harder, the poorer they are.
  • No matter where you live, if you’re proud of being in the majority, you’re probably proud of being a gullible, surface-thinking idiot.
  • If there are an infinite number of universes, then there’s a universe out there somewhere where each of us have had sex with Bill Nye.
  • Some people are confident in social situations because they practice success. Other people are confident because they just don’t give a fuck
  • If you’re hyperactive and can’t stay still, and you don’t have a hobby, you’re leaving money and meaning on the table.
  • If Putin helped Trump win the election, it was probably more to help America fail than to help Trump succeed.
  • I wish the Republican Party would stop putting on pretenses and just change their name to the Fox News Party.
  • When someone asks for forgiveness for something they’re not really sorry for, they’re really asking for permission.
  • Trump could improve his approval rating quicker and easier by solving a few simple real problems than by grandstanding and sideshowing.

 

  • Today’s excuses become tomorrow’s regrets.
  • How do you create 1 rich person? By creating 10 poor people.
  • I wonder how many homes and gardens could have been built with the money America has spent spying on its citizens.
  • As long as there are for-profit prisons, ticket quotas and a war on drugs, there are no good cops, only accomplices to crime at best.
  • If you contradict everything I say, I’m going to give up trying to talk to you.
  • Despite what their advertisements and website say, anyone who would charge you 30% interest is not your friend.
  • If we protect people from hunger as zealously as we protect them from having their feelings hurt, we’d all love life and probably each other.
  • Elton John’s music would have been more interesting if he was goth.
  • We promote and incentivize women getting in STEM fields for equality, but where’s the push for gender equality in all the most deadly jobs?
  • Luckily, in America, the First Amendment allows you to speak freely about all your other rights the RNC and DNC are constantly taking away.
  • Every month hundreds of millions of Americans celebrate their freedom by living paycheck to paycheck.
  • Life according to conservativism: Blindly defending Democrats = sheep. Blindly defending Republicans = patriot. Not defending either = slacker
  • Just once I wish someone watching reality TV would drop their head in their hands and mumble, “Fuck. I’m what’s wrong with this world.”

  • Every year Americans celebrate their freedom by paying hundreds of dollars to renew their professional licenses that arbitrarily expired.
  • It’s ironic when Muslims say Islam is a religion of peace, since Muslim extremists have killed more Muslims than non-Muslims by magnitudes.
  • The dumber the individual, the dumber the whole. We all have a personal and civic responsibility to not be stupid.
  • The more emotional a news host is, the more likely they’re a shock jock.
  • American presidents are as synonymous with dishonesty as American military recruiters are.
  • Whatever your favorite radio DJ personalities are most excited about, you should not be.
  • For some reason, people hate it when you wear black shoes with a brown belt or visa/versa. It doesn’t make any sense, but be prepared for it
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more male you are, the better life is.”
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more white you are, the better life is.”
  • The angrier and more frightened watching the news makes you, the less likely you’re watching real journalistic new reporting.
  • If your plan to make the world better is to kill, incarcerate or deport all the bad guys, you’re probably one of the bad guys.

 


Tweets by The Wise Sloth: Sept 2016-Feb 2017

Click here to view my first collection of Tweets, or visit my Twitter page.

  • Whenever I fail at something, I imagine myself as a young Babe Ruth striking out.
  • Everyone has hurt someone. So we may as well either preemptively hate everyone or forgive everyone.
  • It defeats the purpose of getting/having/keeping someone in your life if you have to go out of your way to live up to their expectations.
  • Everytime you feel you’ve won an argument, there’s a 50/50 chance you just dogmatically defended your completely wrong self-serving delusion.
  • When you’re ready for meaningful change to happen in the world, stop watching meaningless, petty movies, TV shows and Youtube channels.
  • Just once I’d like to hear an American president address the fact that Americans live in constant fear of their own police force.
  • Instead of having a Republican and Democratic party, how about a Male and Female, or Young and Old, or Employer and Employee, or anything else?
  • White people aren’t the source of the world’s historical or modern systemic problems. Capitalists are. The problem is greed, not race.
  • When I hear people say, “I’m tired of hearing people talk about Trump,” I think, “Not talking about politics is how we ended up with Trump.”
  • Trump had the same effect on Americans talking about politics that J.K. Rowling had on kids reading books.
  • Why don’t liberals like Trump? They’re either biased or they see the same objective reasons the rest of the entire fucking world does.
  • I bet we could reduce the number of panic attacks in America by at least 80% by not requiring everyone to live in almost constant debt.
  • When men don’t get pussy, they turn into werewolves. When women don’t get dick, they turn into banshees.
  • I’m starting to suspect Trump has been on a coke bender since he got elected and hasn’t slept the whole time he’s been in office.
  • Join me on Patreon 
  • With everything wrong in the world today, you’ll explode if you don’t master the art of being mad without feeling mad.
  • Our culture is a patriarchy designed to oppress and degrade women, said no florist on Valentine’s Day ever.
  • Failure = practice.
  • It’s not male politicians holding women’s liberation back. It’s religious politicians.
  • When I hear how much it cost to make a movie, I wonder how many farms and homeless shelters humanity could have built instead.
  • You are not the sum of the way people have treated you.
  • Feminism had me at gender equality but lost me at kill all the white men.
  • Most Americans are more intensly and frequently afraid of seeing an American cop or doctor than a foreign terrorist.
  • Most Americans haven’t been to Europe, Africa or the Middle East, but most of them have been to their local police station.

  • I want my tax dollars to be spent paying a group of writers to write a book titled, “Survival Guide to Life.”
  • Relationships are mazes, not train tracks. There’s no backtracking in a maze. There’s only moving forward with what you’ve learned.
  • Every year on Super Bowl Sunday I celebrate sanity by not watching the Super Bowl.
  • Masturbating is like cooking. You can prepare a fine meal or grab a burger to go. Call me crazy, but I prefer Thanksgiving over fast food.
  • The psychology of why 94 deaths from terrorism are scarier than 301,797 deaths from guns 
  • We should start calling social justice warriors, “The Alt-Left.”
  • If America must spend billions of dollars giving stuff away for free, medical texts books should be near the top of the list.
  • It defeats the purpose of ingesting something if it has zero calories.
  • The Chain of Obedience

 

  • “Experience has taught me that you only have two options in life:
    1. Kick life in the balls.
    2. Get kicked in the balls by life.”
  • I’m going to start periodically posting “words of the day” that are good to know. Today’s word is,”splinternet.”
  • The simplest and most perfect explanation of privilege I have ever seen
  • Women obsess over men pleasing them emotionally, and men obsess over pleasing women physically. #oops
  • It’s worth noting that, while Trump got sworn in as president, thousands of Americans were reading my blog about how to go down on a girl.
  • My blog, “How to go down on a girl” got 100k views today. If you haven’t read it, you’re missing out.

  • The rich fear bankruptcy more than bullets. If you want to motivate a rich person, then “speak their language.”
  • If only allowing current high school honor students to serve in Congress would seriously make America better, then why not seriously do it?
  • Raising taxes on addictive substances works every time… at making addicts poorer and/or turning to cheaper, more dangerous substitutes.
  • Getting mad at people when you don’t get what you want usually indicates you’re the selfish bad guy, and your enemy is the real victim.
  • Your character is reflected and created by what you talk about. This applies to your social media posts too. Share genius or be foolish.
  • People only argue semantics when they don’t have a real argument.
  • Everyone could eliminate at least half their problems by just shutting their mouth and not bitching and complaining about bullshit.
  • Science is just drawing conclusions from evidence. The only time people hate evidence-ology is when they’re refusing to admit they’re wrong.
  • We have 50 names for sexual orientations, but if you put anyone alone on an island for the rest of their life with anything, they’ll fuck it.
  • Nowadays, every time I drink milk I wonder what percentage of the bouquet of flavors I’ve come to know and love is the taste of udder pus.
  • We’re going to feel real sheepish if it turns out life was never anything more than just a birthday present from God.
  • This is an actual book you can buy on Amazon: President Domald Loch Ness Tromp Pounds America’s Butt
  • If you don’t think happy thoughts when things suck, then life is just pretty much always going to suck.

  • The fastest, easiest, best shortcut to climbing a mountain, still usually involves climbing a mountain.
  • To the extent I’m disappointed in America voting for Trump, I’m proud of them for not voting for Clinton.
  • If you’re going to boycott companies associated with Trump, boycott the RNC and DNC. Don’t keep paying the people who got us here.

  • Would someone please invent a website that exports my Twitter, Reddit, Facebook and Medium feeds into one scrolling wall?
  • Blind faith is more likely to lead you over a cliff than to the promised land.
  • Trump isn’t the problem. He’s a symptom of capitalism. Even if liberal Democrats could “beat” him, capitalism will send us more like him.
  • Instead of using school time to teach kids how to celebrate nonsensical holidays, let’s teach them how to solve problems during that time.
  • Learning how to overcome fear is more important than learning the quadratic equation. Yet schools are more likely to teach the latter.
  • Obama acting nonchalant about the first black president handing over power to a mentally unstable bigot, demonstrates his mastery of lying.
  • Hillary Clinton telling all Americans to just go with Donald Trump’s flow proves she couldn’t care less about the American people.
  • Trumps promises in his acceptance speech would have been more reassuring if he didn’t speak like a confused, semi-literate child.
  • The smile on Hillary Clinton’s face during her concession speech demonstrates her mastery of the art of lying in public with a straight face.
  • Trump’s plan to make America great again may as well have been to start a civil war, because it looks like that’s what he’ll do.
  • If you don’t like America, then leave. Oh, wait. You can’t, because America’s oppressive economy keeps you living paycheck to paycheck.
  • Right now I’m more proud to have a permanent residency visa to New Zealand than I am to be an American citizen.
  • I told friends jokingly I would prefer a Trump presidency over Clinton because he’ll bring a quicker apocalypse. The joke isn’t as funny now America elected a joke for president. Now the joke is on the American people.
  • Nobody who is laughing today will be laughing 4 years from now.
  • I’ve been saying for a year Hillary would win because of corruption. Turns out the system is less corrupt and more stupid than I thought.

  • I suspected Donald Trump was nominated to scare people into voting for Hillary Clinton, but what if it was the other way around?
  • @TheSafestSpace: Cultural appropriation destroys cultures by sharing their best ideas with other cultures…
  • Americans, don’t forget to exercise your right to vote on rigged elections today… if you’re into that sort of thing.
  • I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that life is just a reality TV show that God and angels have been binge-watching on celestial televisions.
  • You can tell an economy is broken if it costs a month’s wages to fulfill annual responsibilities like car repair and dental work.
  • It wouldn’t be so important to “get your shit together” as young as possible, if the system wasn’t designed to set you up for failure.
  • The sentence, “I like my ice crushed, but he likes his cubed,” isn’t interesting at all… unless an identical twin says it.
  • Christianity would benefit from churches paying taxes, because it would reduce con artists’ incentive to open churches and preach bullshit.
  • Life is more about what you are than what you have.
  • You go on vacation to find relief, only to find more of the same extortionate price gouging that was stressing you out in your home town.
  • Corporations won’t let politicians give us election day off. Why should they lose a day of our labor to vote on what they already decided?
  • Election day should be a national holiday almost as much as elections shouldn’t be rigged.
  • I wish Fitbit could make a device that, instead of measuring your heart rate, measures what a entitled, whiney, unrelenting asshole you are.
  • The more non-violent protesters cops arrest, the more they make violence inevitable by proving non-violence is not an option.
  • Soldiers giveth freedom, and police taketh away.
  • Every social justice warrior’s posts on social media are made on devices invented by men, assembled by slaves, bought from capitalists.
  • American style freedom: In New Orleans, you can walk down the street drinking a beer, but can’t buy it without an ID, even if you’re elderly.
  • I bet God dies inside a little every time humans pave over more nature to build more strip malls and suburbs.
  • Americans dress like other cultures on Halloween because consumerism is America’s culture.
  • There’s a fine line between courage and stupidity.
  • Bourbon Street in New Orleans looks like a dream at night. It looks like a broken dream in the day light.
  • Anytime you send food back at a restaurant, assume whatever you get back has spit in it, even if your complaint was valid.
  • Doing things that improve your life = worldly success. Succeeding at the expense of other people’s quality of life = existential failure.
  • Those who entertain the most ideas without evidence see farthest. Those who believe the most ideas without evidence, see shortest.
  • Expect a man to do recurring yard work and nobody bats an eye. Expect a woman to do recurring housework and everybody loses their mind.
  • When you speak angrily to your lover, you may get what you want, but they’ll walk away feeling like your enemy or victim.
  • The dullest pencil has a better memory than the sharpest mind.
  • If any religion has instructions on killing, it’d be foolish to say, “As long as nobody gets hurt, who cares what religion people believe?”
  • The popularity of click-and-wait smart phone games proves if humans don’t have stress in our life, we’ll create it.
  • It really illustrates who the government works for when cops arrest people protesting big businesses siezing and building on their land.
  • Dangerous adults aren’t created when society fails to censor kids from bad ethics, but when society fails to teach kids functional ethics.
  • Demanding that the 1% pay reparations to the poor would be more accurate than demanding white men pay reparations to everyone.
  • I don’t want a white history month, but if we’re going to have a double standard, let’s admit it officially with a white bashing month.

  • Lucky for me, living in the ghetto shelters me from meeting anyone pretentious enough to tell a complete stranger to check their priviledge.
  • This is your brain on religion.
  • Few politicians still support Trump. Less support fixing how/why the candidate selection process is designed to nominate deplorable people.
  • It’s not an election if there are only two choices, both bad, but one so bad it would be insane to vote for them.That’s a bait and switch.
  • American CEOs and investors tend to profit far more than American workers each time America goes to war.
  • Politicians shouldn’t brag about lowering unemployment by creating new minimum wage jobs, because they’re bragging about expanding slavery.
  • If you knew which subcultures distrust/defame cops most, you could surely predict which ones cops are least likely to trust.
  • Radio DJs play commercials and vapid pop music. So their job is to spread intellectual dystopia in the minds of the public. #NotYourFriends
  • Police didn’t invent the stereotype that blacks are dangerous. Black gangsters spread that until it created the need for #BlackLivesMatters.
  • The more breaks you take from life’s problems to watch mindless TV, the more you put off solving the problems hurting you and humanity.
  • Morality police criminalize breaking archaic, harmless taboos in TV but don’t criminalize commercials, which teach harmful irresponsibility.
  • When everything costs $, $ is the means to freedom and empowerment. When businesses extort customers and employees, profits become oppression.
  • Employers and politicians that create poverty, deny people hope and self worth, which is unnatural, unnecessary and a step below murder.
  • News agencies still acting like the presidential election is legitimate and free, and aren’t demanding new candidates, are part of the problem.
  • You rarely hear people who eat right and exercise regularly, complain about chronic fatigue.
  • Exercising makes you sweat. Sweat removes toxins from your body. Not exercising keeps toxins in your body affecting mood, energy and health.

  • It seems convenient that an unpalatable presidential nominee, who is depending on the female vote, is running against a cartoon mysoginist.
  • Everyone loves freedom until you do something they wouldn’t. Then freedom is offensive and frightening.
  • How I Figured Out Christianity is Not Real
  • The more crappy TV you watch, the crappier your thoughts will tend to be.
  • Soldiers protect you from terrorists. Cops protect you from criminals, and Congress protects big business’s profit margins from you.
  • Politicians call people who kill Americans, cowards. If that’s true, it’s more cowardly when they sell corporations the power to write laws.
  • On a long enough time scale, everyone is an immigrant. But in basically every country and culture in the world it’s popular to hate immigrants.
  • Imagine you were given the freedom to vote between a gorilla and the mean cheerleader for senior class president #2016election #notarealvote
  • Hero + need + opportunity + condition + plan + decision.. drives hero to fulfill condition requirements to get that which satisfies the need.
  • Everyone should accept everyone wearing whatever they want. Nobody should accept anyone forcing anyone to wear something they don’t want to.
  • What some people call, “depravity,” other people call, “thinking outside the box.”
  • It’s possible to cope with everything being overpriced, but not when everything gets more overpriced the more of a necessity it is.
  • Unicorns are mentioned 9 times in the Bible. How many times does it need to be before it raises reasonable suspicion the Bible is mythology?
  • Writer’s block is just anxiety and panic attacks. To master the art of getting through writer’s block, Google “steps to overcoming anxiety.”
  • I hope one day I get to see a Broadway show titled, “Poverty: The Musical.”
  • If Facebook has taught us anything, it’s that the first person to make a movie called “Cats VS Babies” is going to make a lot of money.
  • How many redundant studies do we need to reconfirm the known fact that porn doesn’t cause psychological harm before we stop policing it?
  • You might think it says something good about society that we look at more cats on the internet than porn, but I worry about our cat fetish.
  • I loved the Ninja Turtles as a kid. Less after I realized if they came to my house, we’d probably never get the smell of sewer shit out.
  • When I watched the Matrix I was like, robots can build virtual reality biomass battery farms but not a tall pole to put solar panels on?
  • Every time I watch a movie where humans fight aliens, the whole time I’m like, both sides would have died immediately from the other’s germs.
  • Think of humans as wind-up chimps on autopilot who don’t realize they’re on autopilot. Everything everyone does will make much more sense.
  • If equally hurtful when banks fine you for having $0 in your bank account, as it is when loan officers and credit card companies do it.
  • Psychological classical conditioning changes human behavior, which builds neural pathways we pass onto children, conditioning their behavior
  • There’s a legal limit to the amount of rodent and insect parts allowed to be present in food sold in stores where, you know, vegetarians shop.
  • “Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you’re right. More likely it means you’ve been wrong a long time.” Keith Wagner
  • RT @elisadoucette: Drinking game for tonite’s debate is to chug a bottle when it starts and try to mask the reality that we actually let it happen.
  • The prouder you are of the company you work for, the more evidence there is you have Stockholm Syndrome.
  • Every writer should tweet to gain experience condensing sentences to the bare essentials.
  • Suburbia sentences you to perpetual debt, which sentences you to perpetual fear and work, resulting in permanent loss of hope and freedom.
  • Living in suburbia requires you to perpetually buy/replace/repair expensive stuff you must work to pay for. It’s like living in a labor camp.
  • If you’re the only person in the world you care about, then why should anyone care about you? #parasite #karma

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