My Theory On Every Major Conspiracy Theory

Aliens

The universe is too large for there to not be other life forms. However, it’s also too large for aliens to receive radio transmission from Earth, let alone visit us without spaceships capable of faster than light travel. The chances of aliens knowing Earth exists is slim but not impossible. Until we have more definitive proof, there’s no reason to believe aliens have been near Earth.

I’m 99.9% certain aliens have never set foot on our planet, because if they had, we all would have died from the space flu, and they would have died from the human flu. For this reason, I expect we’ll never be allowed to land on other planets inhabited by intelligent life, and they will never want to land on ours.

UFOs

There’s a good chance alien spacecraft have flown by Earth. I want to believe they’ve been captured on film, and I’ve seen some pretty crazy videos of UFOs, but until aliens make contact with us, the simplest explanation of UFOs is, they’re man-made.

Consider that the SR-71 Blackbird was invented in 1964 and wasn’t declassified until 1980. The F-117 Nighthawk was invented in 1975 and wasn’t declassified until 1989. So for decades, sky watchers could see strange shaped aircraft traveling faster than any aircraft known to the public.

It’s fair to assume that in any given year, the U.S. Air Force currently has classified aircraft technology 20 years ahead of what the public knows about. If I were in charge of keeping these aircraft secret, I would spread rumors they’re alien spacecraft to deflect attention from the truth.

Area 51

Area 51 is a real Air Force base located in a remote, deserted part of Nevada. Many strange aircraft have been seen in the skies nearby, and there are widespread rumors that it does, or did, contain the wreckage of an alien spacecraft and the bodies of its extraterrestrial passengers.

Some locals living near Aviano Air Force Base, Italy also believe the Air Force is hiding the body of a dead alien in an underground bunker there too. I was stationed at Aviano for two years with a top secret security clearance. I can assure you, life on base is normal and mundane. My guess is that a work day in Area 51 is closer to my experiences than the way Hollywood portrays it.

Since we know man-made aircraft, 20 years more technologically advanced than commercial airplanes, like the SR-71 Blackbird, are tested at Area 51, there’s a common sense explanation for why people keep seeing UFOs around there. I’m sure whatever is in Area 51 is mind blowing, but I doubt it has anything to do with aliens.

The Illuminati

The Illuminati was a real secret society in Germany during the 17th century that included royalty and other celebrities of the time. Their goal was to, “oppose superstition, obscurantism, religious influence over public life and abuses of state power.” Basically, they were humanitarian intellectuals committed to promoting truth and empowering the masses.

Conspiracy theorists believe this group still exists, but now they want to take over the world and oppress everyone. There’s no evidence this is true. So it would be stupid to take it seriously.

The Freemasons

The Masonic Lodge was originally a fraternal brotherhood in Europe dating back to the 14th century. It was partly a social club and partly a union for mason workers. It spread to America in the 17th century, where its members included many famous politicians and leaders of industry.

Conspiracy theorists believe it still has members at the highest level of government who worship Satan and want to control and oppress the world. You can still find Masonic Lodges operating all over America today, but they’re just a slightly more cultish version of the Rotary Club or Kiwanis Club. They’re basically Cub Scouts for grown-ups. You can join their silly meet-up group and climb the ranks, but you won’t find a secret conspiracy at the top of the pyramid. You’ll just find a bunch of suburban Christians having boring meetings.

Reptilians

Former sports broadcaster, turned professional conspiracy theorist, David Icke, popularized the idea that the world is controlled by shape-shifting aliens called Reptilians. There’s no evidence of this, and anyone who believes in Reptilians either needs to go back to school to learn logic or see a therapist.

If you believe in Reptilians, you’re a gullible, weak-minded fool who will believe anything. The Reptilian conspiracy theory is like Pizzagate. It’s a story invented by a professional liar who has to keep selling stories to keep getting paid.

American secret societies

America has a number of known secret fraternities like the Skull and Bones club, Bilderberg Group and Bohemian Grove, that include many politicians and leaders of industry. Conspiracy theorists believe these semi-secret organizations control the world or are plotting to.

The truth is, these are just groups of rich people who want to help each other get richer. They have a lot of power since they have a lot of money, but the world is bigger than them. China, India, and other world superpowers undoubtedly have their own little clubs for rich assholes, but none of them control the entire world, and it’s doubtful any of them want to.

All they want is for their businesses to make more money. They’ve undoubtedly done some shady things like fighting unions and environmental regulations and keeping the minimum wage at poverty levels. They probably congratulate themselves for ruling the world, but they don’t, nor do they need to.

The moon landing was faked
NASA faked some pictures and video of astronauts on the moon, but they did it because they didn’t have enough real footage to satisfy the public’s interest. Neil Degrasse Tyson does a better job than I could of explaining why it would be easier to go to the moon than to fake all the footage.

JFK

It’s possible there was more than one shooter involved in the JFK assassination, but nobody knows why JFK got shot. It’s doubtful any more evidence will come to light. So we’re just going to have to accept the fact that we’ll never know the whole truth.

Moon bases

In 2001, I was enlisted in the U.S. Air Force, stationed at Aviano Air Force Base, Italy. There, I met a man who claimed to have met a man whose job was to airbrush details out of government photos before the invention of Photoshop. This person claimed to have airbrushed bases out of pictures taken on the dark side of the moon. This story is proof of nothing, but it sure sounds cool. Frankly, I’d be disappointed in aliens and our government if there aren’t any permanent structures on the moon, but there’s no reason to believe there are until we have any real evidence.

The September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks 

On September 11, 2001, members of the terrorist organization, Al-Qaeda, hijacked several commercial airliners and flew them into the Twin Towers and the Pentagon in a coordinated terrorist attack. Conspiracy theorists claim this was really an inside job, created by the American government as a false flag attack to justify war in the Middle East.

It’s not crazy to believe the American government is capable of this, because they used a false flag attack in the Gulf of Tonkin to justify starting the Vietnam War. It also drew up plans for Operation Northwoods, in which the CIA would commit a false flag attack on American civilians so the Department of Defense could justify going to war with Cuba. The plan was never enacted, but its real evidence of how low the American Government’s moral standards are. Given that the American government also invented false evidence and lied about its justification to go to war with Iraq, there’s no reason to trust anything the American government says.

Having said that, at best, we have evidence a crime was committed, and the American government had the means and motive to do it, but if the government were put on trial, there wouldn’t be enough evidence to convict them. If anything shady happened on September 11th, we’ll probably never know the whole truth. So we shouldn’t act like we do.

 

HAARP

In 1993, the American military built a ridiculously huge and expensive array of antennas in Alaska called the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Project, or HAARP. Officially, their primary goal was to see if they could use the atmosphere as a giant radar or communication device. Eventually, the program was shut down and sold to a college. Conspiracy theorists believe the American military was using HAARP to weaponize the weather.

It’s not crazy to believe the American military would try to weaponize the weather. They weaponized dolphins and tried to weaponize psychics. The people running the Department of Defense would weaponize their mothers if they could. The fact that they defunded HAARP and sold the equipment to a college, means they couldn’t find a way to do anything with the atmosphere… for now.

The American government is spying on you

It used to be a joke that people who believe the government is spying on them are tinfoil hat-wearing, paranoid lunatics. In 2013, Edward Snowden, one of the government employees who spied on Americans, leaked conclusive evidence that the government is spying on everyone and constantly trying to get better at it. It’s no longer a conspiracy theory that the American government is spying on you. At this point, it’s crazier to trust the American government than to distrust it.

The Communist agenda

Karl Marx said that Communism must be spread by the sword, because everyone deserves to be free, and if they’re not, it’s a moral imperative to overthrow their oppressors. This was part of America’s justification for going to war with Vietnam and for putting an embargo on Cuba for decades. The more countries that became Communist, the bigger of an alliance they could form. If enough countries got together, they could overthrow America, which again, their mission statement says they’re obligated to do.

Communist aggression is a thing of the past though, and it only ever really existed in the Russian revolution. Once Lenin and Stalin got in power, they ran Russia as a dictatorship and called it Communism, which is the same thing that happened in China, Vietnam, Cuba and every other country that ever called itself Communist. Communism has never actually been tried, and nobody is even attempting to try anymore. “Communist” China is the sweatshop capital of the world. That’s as Capitalist as it gets, and the farthest thing from Communism.

American conservatives will scream about how Communists want to take over America, but most American Communists are the kind of suburban mall rats who would pay $20 for a Che Guevara T-shirt printed in a Chinese sweat shop. They don’t have much of a clue what Communism is or how to implement it. The Communist spirit is dead, and anyone worried about it has had smoke blown up their butt by a fear mongering shock jocks who probably doesn’t know what Communism is either, other than a trigger word that excites conservatives.

The Socialist agenda

Socialism means shared ownership of the means of production. Co-op stores that are owned and operated by their employees are Socialist businesses. If a government takes ownership of a business, like Venezuela has done with its oil industry, that would be Socialist if Hugo Chavez paid every citizen an equal share of the profits.

Taking government control of a business and then putting the profits into the government’s coffers is Nationalizing the business, not Socializing it. If any of that money goes into politicians’ pockets, or to pay for their pet projects, then that would constitute a dictatorship.

“Socialized medicine” like Britain’s National Health System, is a misnomer. It’s Nationalized health care, not Socialized. The people don’t own the hospitals or make a profit from them. They just pay taxes for a service. Getting access to things like roads, schools or welfare, in exchange for paying taxes, isn’t Socialism.

A welfare state isn’t a Socialist state. It’s just a poorly run economy that fails to address the reason people are poor, which is that they’re underpaid by their employers. Socialism would actually fix the problems inherent in a welfare state, which is probably why rich people starting calling welfare, Socialism. This way, employees will demonize the solution to the problem their employers created.

Whenever you hear a conservative scream about the Socialist agenda to take over America and turn it into a welfare state, you’re hearing one economically illiterate fool echoing economically illiterate bullshit he heard a pro-capitalist, fear mongering shock jock say on TV. The only real Socialist agenda you’ll find in America is the Co-op movement, which can and does exist harmoniously with Capitalism.

Obama is a Muslim Socialist and illegal immigrant

If you ever believed Obama was a Muslim, Socialist or illegal immigrant, you need to stop watching whatever TV shows you’ve been watching, because you’ve been duped by a fear mongering shock jocks who will tell you whatever trigger words will get you to keep watching their show.

If Obama were a Muslim or a Socialist, he’s the worst one ever. His illegal wars have killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims and set the Muslim world back decades. His economic policies were pro-Capitalist. He even went as far as allowing the Occupy Wall Street protests to be illegally and violently shut down.

Obama’s sin is that he was a professional campaigner who worked for rich lobbyists. He’s a Capitalist’s wet dream and millionaire himself. Furthermore, Obamacare wasn’t Socialist. He didn’t give people ownership of health insurance companies. He forced the public to pay private companies for a shitty product. That’s Capitalism operating at its most predatory extreme.

The liberal agenda

Conservative Americans often complain about the “liberal agenda” to destroy America by turning it into a gay-loving, anti-Christian welfare state. If you believe this, you’ve been duped again by fear mongering shock jocks who make meaningless statements to scare viewers into watching more television.

Liberals don’t want to destroy America. It’s crazy that there are actually people who believe legions of faceless liberals are meeting up and conspiring to destroy America for no other reason than, they’re evil. Reread that last sentence, and replace “liberals” with “Jews,” and “America” with “Germany.” People who believe liberals are evil worry me, and the people who keep telling them liberals are a threat to their survival and deserve to be hated, terrify me.

The conservative agenda

The majority of American conservatives get most of their news from Fox News, which claims to be fair and balanced, but is bombastically pro-conservative, pro-Republican, pro-Capitalism and pro-American. It’s equally anti-liberal, anti-Democrat, anti-economic equality, anti-science and anti-immigrants.

Fox’s news segments contain slander, logical fallacies, misdirection, false-flag scares, emotional hype, misdirection and lies. This doesn’t happen because Fox is full of amateur journalists. Bullshit is the product Fox sells, and it has bullshit broken down to a science.

Fox news is so consistent in its agenda and dishonesty, it looks like there’ s a conspiracy among its leaders to create a civil war between conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats. It makes you wonder what’s really going on, and what’s the mastermind’s end game? The truth is easy to deduce if you look at the history of its founders Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes.

Rupert Murdoch was born in Australia in 1931. He inherited a fortune from his father and spent the 1950’s and 60’s buying up tabloid newspapers in Australia, which he consolidated under a parent company, News Corp. In the early 70’s, he bought up the major tabloids in Britain and the United States, adding them to News Corp. roster of sensationalist, fake news magazines. News Corp. was convicted of criminal charges for corruption, hacking and stealing in all three countries.

Roger Ailes was born in America in 1940. He started as a production assistant at a local news station in Ohio, where he was promoted several times, earning him the credentials to produce a daytime television talk show. In 1968, Ailes became a professional political campaign manager. He managed Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan’s presidential campaigns, and he advised George H. Bush, George W. Bush and Donald Trump.

So Fox News was founded by an international tabloid kingpin, who sells lies for a living, and the public relations manager of the Republican Party. When you put them together, you get sensationalist Republican propaganda with the journalistic integrity of a tabloid.

Basically, these two men pulled off a plan to create a television network that indoctrinates its viewers into basing their identity and beliefs on the Republican Party’s political agenda. This is corruption and treason at the highest level. It created a fake culture war that real people have died in. It’s driving the country to the brink of civil war. It orchestrated the launch of the longest war in America’s history. It’s the source of the war on science, which could destroy humanity. And it got Donald Trump elected president.

Why the hell would two men do that? Are they trying to destroy the world? No. They’re just businessmen doing what they do. Rupert Murdoch wanted to sell newspapers and TV shows, and Roger Ailes wanted to produce TV shows. By teaming up with the Republican Party, Murdoch and Ailes got loyal customers, and the Republican Party got loyal voters. They all got a lot richer, and that’s what it’s all about.
Chemtrails

Some conspiracy theorists believe the government is putting chemicals into airplanes and crop dusting the world in an attempt to kill civilians or make them stupid. There’s no evidence of it, and worrying about it wastes time you could be worrying about all the poisonous chemicals that are in practically every product you buy at your local grocery store. Even those are only part of a conspiracy to sell the cheapest product at the highest price to make the companies selling them richer.

Fluoride

Governments have been putting fluoride in drinking water for decades to help strengthen people’s teeth. While fluoride is good for your teeth, consuming it will harm your brain and make you stupid. Guards at Soviet gulags intentionally put fluoride in the water to make the prisoners less sharp and more docile.

Are American politicians putting fluoride in drinking water to make the population stupid or because they’re stupid? This is one of those conspiracy theories that is probably best solved using Hanlon’s Razor, which states, “Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to incompetence.”

You shouldn’t drink tap water anyway. Every piece of equipment involved in getting that water to your house was built by the lowest bidder. It contains toxins from a hundred different sources, due to a hundred different people’s bad decisions.

The War on Drugs isn’t about drugs. It’s a war on people.

There’s a popular rumor, especially in the African-American community, that the government introduced hard drugs into the ghetto and set high prison sentences for drug users as a way to oppress the black community.

John Ehrlichman, a former aide to Richard Nixon, confirmed this when he confessed, “We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin. And then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.”

The war on drugs has always been a war on people. If it’s a war on African Americans specifically, the perpetrators have an unlimited tolerance for collateral damage. The War on Drugs causes suffering to people of every color, and it had done as much harm to Colombia as it has to Chicago. Even if African Americans were singled out, it wasn’t because of the color of their skin. If the majority of African Americans were die-hard Republicans who supported Nixon’s agendas, he would have pandered to them instead of attacking them.

The war on drugs may have been invented by racists, but Barack Obama had 8 years to end it. He held that torch tight and passed it dutifully. The only reason he did, was because he accepted campaign donations and promises from war dogs, many of whom were children in 1971, when Nixon basically used a false flag attack to declare war on Democrats and liberals. At this point, the war on drugs is just a pork barrel project that got too fat to kill. That’s as deep as the conspiracy goes.

Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster and other local legends
Scientists discover new species every year. It’s possible we’ll find an unbelievably large stealthy creature, but until we capture one, there’s no reason to say they exist. That’s how sanity works.

The Holocaust never happened

Some conspiracy theorists believe the Holocaust never happened, and the story was invented by Jews to help justify invading Palestine and creating the modern nation of Israel. Much like faking the moon landing, it would be easier to kill 6 million people than to create a fake story which nobody involved ever leaked the truth about.

We already have cures for most diseases
Some conspiracy theorists believe the shadow government that rules the world already has the cure for AIDS, cancer and most other diseases. There’s no need to bring shadow governments into this. We know for a fact drug companies are withholding medicine, or at least over-pricing them, to force people to keep buying their product. That’s how Capitalism works.

Every business owner decides independently to do whatever it takes to sell their product to as many people as possible, as often as possible, for as much profit as possible. So, yes. There is a conspiracy to withhold medicine, but there’s no central mastermind behind it. There’s just a bunch of rich sociopaths like Martin Shkreli, who have no problem screwing the poor and sick to make a lot of money.

This concept also applies to the conspiracy theory that the government is suppressing technology that would give us unlimited energy so that we remain dependent on oil. I’m sure big oil companies have covered up new technologies. They’ve lobbied heavily against solar and wind power. The politicians they make campaign contributions to have colluded to help them keep the world dependent on their product, but that’s not unique to the fossil fuel industry. Every industry bribes politicians to give them an advantage over their competition. Politicians aren’t colluding in this because it’s all part of their master plan. It’s just that their priorities are up for public auction.

The war on Islam

America has been waging war in the Middle East for decades, and it often kills with disregard for collateral damage. This has led many Muslims to the conclusion America is at war with Islam. Muslim terrorist cults like Al-Qaeda and ISIS help spread this rumor to recruit gullible, poor, ignorant, disenfranchised young people.

It’s ironic that some American conservatives believe Barack Obama is a Muslim, since he’s responsible for the deaths of enough Muslims to convince the Islamic world that America is at war with their religion. Obama isn’t a Muslim, and the American military isn’t waging a holy war. America just has an industrial war complex that’s wagging the dog.

Boeing and Lockheed Martin can’t sell more weapons to the government if America’s not at war. The Middle East is the most convenient place to wage perpetual war since it’s full of weak, unlikable political leaders and radical sectarian death cults, who nobody minds getting shot. The fact that they’re Muslim is irrelevant to the weapons industry. They’d declare war on mothers and say it’s for freedom if it would convince the American government to buy more bullets.

America is an aggressive empire bent on world domination

Americans don’t think of their country as an evil empire, but there is a popular belief in many countries that America is an empire bent on world domination. As proof, they point to the fact that America toppled their government by force or by subterfuge, took their natural resources and outsourced sweatshops to their country.

Technically, America behaves like an evil empire, but what is America? Who is making all the evil decisions, and why? There is no evil genius or central committee. Remember, American politics is an auction house. America’s actions are for sale to the highest bidder. That doesn’t mean the richest person controls it. That means every rich person in the world can pay to play America like a video game. America is controlled by a bunch of monkeys paying to slap the country’s steering wheel. All these monkeys want the same thing: money.

America could do a much better job of taking over the world by military force if its government was well organized and focused. But there is no focus. The American military is a headless robot being taken on a joy ride by a line of rich guys. Those guys aren’t trying to take over the world. They just want to make the world more friendly to their profit margin. Their company is the empire they’re building. If America looks like an empire, it’s because there are a bunch of imperial companies wearing America like a glove.
Tools of the global elite

The World Trade Organization, International Monetary Fund and the World Bank are international organizations ostensibly devoted to economic prosperity. In reality, they cripple third world countries with tariffs, loans and bureaucracy. Technically, this constitutes a global conspiracy to control the world. However, there’s no evil genius at the top of the pyramid twirling his mustache. There’s just a gang of rich countries holding down poor countries, which is how the world has always worked.

Zionism

In order to understand Zionism, you need to know a little Jewish history. Thousands of years ago, the nation of Israel was conquered by Assyria, Babylonia and Rome, in that order. Each time the Jews were exiled, they picked themselves up by the bootstraps, got organized and retook their homeland.

Rome sent the Jews into exile around 70AD, and they lived in immigrant communities around the world until the 19th century, when a bunch of Jews got together and decided they were going to re-establish a Jewish state. They called the dream of returning to their homeland and reestablishing a Jewish state, Zionism.

The goal of Zionism was accomplished in 1948, when the well-organized Zionists gathered millions of dollars in donations from other Jews around the world, created an army and lobbied the world’s super powers to recognize the new Jewish government and not defend Palestine when Israel invaded the country, toppled the old government, committed ethnic cleansing on the Palestinian population and put the survivors in concentration camps.

Some anti-Semites believe that was really just the first step of Zionism, and the real goal is total world domination. That sounds sinister and unbelievable until you realize that every country wants to rule the world. However, most ordinary citizens just want to survive and take care of their family.

In every country, there are people want to build an empire, and there are those who don’t. Israel can’t even figure out a final solution to the Palestinian problem. Israel is never going to take over the world, and I’m sure most Jews know this, if they ever even thought about it at all. At this point, America is the world’s superpower, and Israel is one of America’s allies. So they got the next best thing. I believe most Jews are content with this.

The Jews run Hollywood

Many people have noticed there are a lot of Jewish names in Hollywood movie credits, which has led some to jump to the conclusion the Jews run Hollywood and are using movies to brainwash the world. There may be a lot of Jews in Hollywood, but that probably only means there’s a conspiracy among Jews to enter profitable industries, which is what everyone in the world wants. Judging by the low quality of movies coming out of Hollywood, I’d say the only conspiracy among them is to make cheap products that appeal to gullible consumers with low intellectual standards, which is what every business owner in the world wants.

Antisemitism

Some Jewish conspiracy theorists believe there’s a worldwide movement to oppress the Jews, and anyone who criticizes any Jew or the Israeli government is prejudice. The reality is, everyone is a little racist, but most people are too busy worrying about themselves to worry about other groups. Jews may be disappointed to learn how little anyone really thinks about them.

There are a lot of religions and ethnic groups around the world who have victim complexes and pull the prejudice card so often it never gets put back in the deck. Sometimes they really are being victimized, like when Nazis put Jews in concentration camps, but sometimes ethnic groups play the victim card to deflect valid criticisms.

For example, I’ve liked every Jew I’ve ever met, but I don’t like the fact that the Jewish government in Israel is putting Palestinians in concentration camps. That’s not me be being anti-Semitic. That’s me pointing out a cut-and-dry violation of the Geneva Convention and the Declaration of Human Rights. If there’s a conspiracy here, it’s not that anti-Semitism is epidemic, it’s that political spin, bullshit excuses and lack of accountability are epidemic.
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Basic training is brainwashing

At some point in your life, someone has told you basic training is brainwashing. If you’ve never read a book on brainwashing or been through basic training, you probably thought to yourself, “I guess I could see how that kind of makes sense.” Then you never really thought about it again. If you did go through basic training, and someone told you it’s brainwashing, you probably told them they’re an idiot.

Most civilians and veterans haven’t read any books on brainwashing. Since neither side knows what brainwashing is, neither can prove their case, even if they’ve been through basic training. The only way to settle this argument is to go through basic training and take a checklist of brainwashing techniques with you. Then see if you find any of the red flags and check them off the list.

If you do that, you’ll check off every single criterion. Basic training is the perfection of brainwashing. To make matters creepier, if you take a checklist of a cult and walk around a military base looking for its red flags, you’ll check off every criterion on that list as well.

Basic training is the indoctrination process of a tax payer-funded death cult. This isn’t an opinion or a theory. Basic training literally fits the definition of brainwashing, and the military’s behaviors fit the definition of a cult. This fact isn’t controversial due to lack of evidence. It’s controversial because it civilians can’t accept they’re funding a death cult that commits human right violations on their heroes, and military members can’t accept it for the same reasons Scientologists can’t admit they belong to a cult.

Global warming and the war on science

Lobbyists from the fossil fuel industry legally bribed Republican politicians to repeal environmental protection laws, because they made producing energy more expensive and thus less profitable. But those politicians couldn’t legalize pollution, because that would look evil, and they would lose voters.

The most important thing in the world to a professional campaigner is their image. So they called up the guy they pay to manage their image, Roger Ailes and told him they need their voters to oppose environmental protection laws. Ailes told his business partner, Rupert Murdoch, who owns Fox News. They used all Rupert Murdoch’s tabloid tricks to convince half of America to believe in a strawman argument about climate change so they’d support Republicans passing laws that help fossil fuel companies make more money by not having to spend it cleaning and reducing the pollution they create.

We shouldn’t even be arguing about climate change. The term was invented by employees of Murdoch and Ailes to trick people into not saying “global warming,” because “climate change” doesn’t sound deadly. But even “global warming” is a distraction from the real issue, which is pollution.

Pollution is poison. The more poison there is in the environment, the more things will die from it. The less poison there is, the fewer things will die from it. That’s true regardless of whether or not climate change is real, and there’s too much poison in our environment already.

 

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Should Transsexuals Be Allowed In The Military?

Note: I served in the U.S. Air Force from 2000-2007. My job code was 3C0X1 (Communications computer systems operator). My highest rank was E-5 (Staff Sergeant), and I received an honorable discharge.

On July 26, 2017, president Trump Tweeted, “After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military. Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail. Thank you.” The typos are Trump’s, not mine.

 

Tweets by Donald Trump on July 26, 2017: "After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Governmetn will not accept or allow... Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military. Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming... victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail. Thank you."

 

This is a bold, historic decision on a philosophically profound topic that is going to cause a lot of heated arguments, and most of them will overlook the nuance of all the issues involved.

For starters, how can we have an academic discussion about this, when Donald Trump didn’t make his decision based on rigorous academic analysis? He just thought it would make his supporters happy and keep his opponents distracted while he does even more absurd things. It’s sad that Trump made America have this conversation in this way and that Fox News is going to continue to frame the debate in an impossibly unproductive way.

To make things more confusing, both sides are both a little bit right and a little bit wrong, but the biggest problems caused by having transsexuals in the military, exist because of deeper rooted flaws in America’s government and military. So splitting hairs over this issue distracts attention from the real problem more than it achieves social justice.

Trump and his generals were wrong to ban any man who wants to rock a pixie cut, but they were correct that the logistical cost/benefit analysis of paying for transgender soldiers’ treatments, doesn’t add up. There are valid reasons why this is inhumane, but the purpose of the military is to kill people.

It’s easier to become an officer with a degree in engineering than psychology because officers aren’t there to worry about their subordinate’s journey to self-actualization. An officer’s job is to calculate risks, formulate plans and be as emotionless as possible while sending their troops to their deaths.

The military already treats troops in ways that violate the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and America’s own employee protection laws. The military views and treats its troops like disposable numbers, not human beings. So getting your snowflake print panties in a twist over it being unfair that the military isn’t sensitive to the needs of transsexuals, is like being offended that an indifferent, sin-eating death machine didn’t invite you to its birthday party.

If you’re just now getting angry that the military doesn’t care about people’s feelings, then you must be too privileged and sheltered to have ever seen the reality of war or how the U.S. military works.

If you’re going to be pissed about how the military treats the troops, focus that anger towards the fact that the Uniform Code of Military Justice strips troops of their basic human rights and the military operates exactly like a cult with a Colonial caste system.

Regardless of whether my description of the military is true, and even if it is and could be fixed, war is still a battle of resources, and every decision requires a cost/benefit analysis of how to spend money. Troops cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to train and equip.

On top of that, troops have access to 100% nationalized healthcare. All of their essential medical needs are completely free, and the more they get hurt on the job, the more free healthcare they’ll receive after leaving the military. You can even qualify for a medical discharge with free healthcare for life, for certain non-service-related medical problems.

Under this system, any transsexual who joins the military would be automatically guaranteed free healthcare for life. As expensive as sex changes are, it would be stupid for every transsexual to not try to get an administrative job in the Air Force at a stateside base.

The military budget is already so large it’s bankrupting the country. This is not the time to lower entry standards to accommodate anyone who is more expensive to provide medical care to.

Troops are a massive financial investment, which makes them a liability to the bottom line of the war effort. This is why you have to go undergo a full medical physical before enlisting. The cost/benefit analysis of accepting people with high health risks doesn’t add up.

This is why people with flat feet aren’t allowed to enlist. Nobody has ever protested about that blatant instance of discrimination because everyone collectively shrugged their shoulders and said, “Yeah, people who can’t walk long distances probably wouldn’t make good long distance walkers.”

If you’d ever been to a war zone, you wouldn’t think you’re helping transsexuals by opening that “opportunity” to them. War is the most stressful experience a human being can go through. It’s so profoundly difficult, recruits have to be mentally broken and psychologically reprogrammed to accept the absurdity of their actions. Even then, or because of it, the suicide rate of veterans is above average.

The suicide rate of transsexuals is already higher than normal as well. The worst place in the world for them to successfully transition their mind and body, is in a war zone, where they’ll be struggling to hold onto their humanity under the stress of constant fear and loss, and living in a totalitarian cult that views them as a disposable liability.

Fighting to get transsexuals in the military isn’t doing cis gender troops any favors either. Every soldier needs to be as clear-headed and focused as possible. Nobody on the battlefield should be on any kind of pill or injection that alters their mind and mood. When failure is not an option, it would be irresponsible to everyone, to allow a transitioning transgender to fight. Keeping them out of harm’s way would be the most humane thing to do for them and everyone else.

I would have supported Trump if he said that, but he’s obviously an opportunistic bigot who would throw his own mother under a bus if it got a cheer from a crowd. He did raise an interesting point he didn’t realize though. If the best military strategy is to minimize the expense of troops, then it would be more efficient if women were either not allowed in the military, or served on segregated bases.

 

"Of course segregation of the sexes is unethical... but maybe if you want to win wars, you have to do unethical things."

 

Females’ medical costs and risks are higher than men. And they have the option to separate from the military when they have a child. If every member of the military had that option, it would make warfare impossible and defeat the purpose of the dishonorable discharge, since everyone would have a legitimate way to get out of the military in nine months.

Plus, women are physically weaker than men. Female troops have lower fitness and grooming standards than men, which means taxpayers are spending more money to put weaker, more vulnerable soldiers on the battlefield who can quit with a year’s notice at any time.

Yes, women have proven themselves more than capable in combat, but if we look at women as numbers, you could put more men on the battlefield for less money with less risk of having to take them out for medical issues. From that point of view, the cost/benefit analysis of having female soldiers doesn’t add up.

So if we’re going to ban transsexuals from serving because of the high cost, the logic follows that we should do the same to women. If we accept the higher cost and liability of female soldiers, then why not transsexuals?

It was completely unnecessary for Trump to ban transsexuals from serving in any capacity in the military. Every base has hotels that are staffed by civilian contractors, who don’t get free medical care. To deny transsexuals the opportunity to change pillow cases at Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota, is cut-and-dry Jim Crow-style oppression.

We wouldn’t be going down this moral rabbit hole at all if every single American civilian had the same access to healthcare as the troops, Congress, and the president. Unfortunately, that solution would be too expensive under America’s current health care system, in which insurance companies have inflated medical costs beyond affordability.

However, if the American government passed regulations making healthcare less expensive instead of less attainable, we could easily afford to cover everyone’s medical needs by nationalizing the healthcare industry completely or by rationing a set amount of free care each year. Then cost wouldn’t be a barrier to transsexuals, or anyone else with medical conditions, serving in the military.

Another reason we can’t afford to provide taxpayers with unlimited access to health care is because we’re spending so much money on the military to wage perpetual war in the most financially inefficient way possible. America’s industrial war complex is a cash cow bloated with fraud, waste, and abuse.

If you’re worried about how much money it costs to send a transsexual soldier to a war zone, you would be mortified to learn how much it costs to send a healthy civilian contractor. Transsexuals are the least of the military’s budget problems. It’s losing money through a sieve everywhere it has boots on the ground.

The biggest money trails lead to the blue-chip defense companies like Raytheon, Boeing, Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics and Northrop Grumman. So if you’re truly passionate about saving military money and lives, then you should be screaming to get defense money out of politics.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

Military Mind Control
Military Philosophy
Police Brutality
America is not the good guy

 


An Old Man From Jersey Explains: The Social Contract

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

 

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An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Does Free Will Exist?

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life
The Meaning of Life
How to Think Like a Genius
Knowledge and Learning
Biker Philosophy
My Tweets About Philosophy 

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, kid?

KID

Is there such a thing as free will?

OLD MAN

Would it change the way you live if I say yes or no?

KID

I’d feel a lot better if you said yes.

OLD MAN

Then yes, free will exists.

KID

You gotta prove it first.

OLD MAN

Okay, I’m 100% positive that free will does not exist.

KID

But you just said it does exist. What gives?

OLD MAN

The more convinced a person is that they’re right the more likely it is that they’re wrong. So if I’m 100% convinced free will does not exist then it probably does.

KID

OMG! How many logical fallacies were in that statement? Give me some hard evidence.

OLD MAN

Suppose I did make an elegant, logical, convincing argument one way or the other. Supposed you spent the rest of your life trying and failing to disprove my explanation. Suppose I won a Nobel prize for my theory and had it certified as God’s truth by the pope and the Dali Lama. Would any of that make my theory true?

KID

…close enough anyway.

OLD MAN

Wrong.

KID

You’re not going to tell me whether or not free will exists, are you?

OLD MAN

Flip a coin. Heads it does, tails it doesn’t. Either way, life goes on.

KID

Well I say free will doesn’t exist. Our decisions are the product of the casual nature of our environment. Our choices only appear to be ours because we can’t see all the cosmic dominoes hitting us in the back, pushing us this way and that.

OLD MAN

You’re free to think that if you want.

KID

No I’m not.

 

 

OLD MAN

Hmmm. Funny that you just admitted you don’t have total knowledge of how the universe operates yet you’ve completely convinced yourself that you know how the universe operates. I wonder what the chances are you’re wrong.

KID

I see what you did there, and I don’t like it.

OLD MAN

If you’d already made up your mind I don’t see why you came and asked me in the first place.

KID

I figured there was a 50/50 chance you’d reinforce my preconceived expectations. Anyway, I’m still set on the conclusion that free will doesn’t exist. So how do I go on living with the weight of my insignificance ever on my shoulders?

OLD MAN

Do what you were going to do anyway and blame it on fate when you screw up?

KID

Genius!

OLD MAN

Just know that that excuse isn’t going to get you out of trouble with your mother for getting home late tonight.

KID

Curses.


An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Philosophy

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life
The Meaning of Life
How to Think Like a Genius
Knowledge and Learning
Biker Philosophy
My Tweets About Philosophy 

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, kid?

KID

Can you explain philosophy to me?

OLD MAN

Where do you want me to start from?

KID

From the beginning.

OLD MAN

In the beginning, humans were just like all the other dumb animals shivering in the cold, unable to speak or build tools. all we did all day was look for something to eat and someone to fu…aall in love with.  Over generations though, our brains grew, and as our brains grew they got better at thinking. We figured out how to communicate, make tools, devise strategy, form complex relationships, create art, that kind of stuff.

KID

OMG! What does this have to do with anything?

OLD MAN

You wanted me to start at the beginning. So that’s what’s happening. Now try to imagine what life was like for those human beings who were alive just after we learned to talk and write but before history began. They were completely lost and bewildered by the universe. Nothing made sense. What’s the sun? What’s lightning? How are babies made? Why do we get sick? What happens after death? They had all these questions with no answers. So people started asking questions.

KID

So philosophers are people who ask questions?

OLD MAN

Yeah, but that’s oversimplified near the point of being wrong.

KID

What’s that supposed to mean?

OLD MAN

So anybody who builds a house is a carpenter, right?

KID

Sounds about right.

OLD MAN

Well, anyone can nail a few boards together and make a roof over their head, but if you did that you’d end up with a dilapidated shanty that’s going to fall down and kill you in your sleep. It takes a lot more to be a proper carpenter and make a proper house.

KID

I see where you’re going with this. A  philosopher is someone who got a P.H.d. in philosophy and has been published professionally!

OLD MAN

So there weren’t any philosophers before humans invented the P.H.D. or the printing press?

KID

How else can you prove you’re a philosopher?

OLD MAN

Are the only real fighters the ones who win sponsored championship fights?

KID

I guess you can make a living as a fighter without being a household name.

OLD MAN

Are the only real fighters the ones who get paid?

KID

So you’re saying anyone who seriously devotes their life to asking questions about the nature of life and the universe is a philosopher?

OLD MAN

Yeah, but don’t you want to hear the rest of the story?

KID

Well, Veggie Tales doesn’t start for another hour. So I guess I got time to hear this.

OLD MAN

So back in the day, thousands of years before the invention of the printing press, people had all these simple questions about the universe like, “why does it rain?” but they didn’t know all the variables in the equation. So they came up with the best answers they could using the variables they had.

KID

Hold on. Why are we talking about figuring out why rain falls? That’s a scientific question, not a philosophical one.

OLD MAN

You can get a P.H.D. in science. Do you know what P.H.D. stands for?

KID

No.

OLD MAN

It stands for “philosophiae doctor” or “Doctor of philosophy.”

KID

Can’t you get a p.h.d. in religion? Does that mean anyone who asks religious questions is a philosopher too?

OLD MAN

I was just getting to that. Before the discovery of the periodic table of elements, philosophers deduced that rain was caused by magic, monsters and invisible sky people.

KID

How does that make religion philosophy?

OLD MAN

…the same way slapping together a children’s clubhouse out of junk is carpentry. It wouldn’t be incorrect to say that religion, which is just a more flattering word for mythology, was man’s first attempt at philosophy.

KID

So where did philosophy go from there?

OLD MAN

Back when humans didn’t know anything about the universe, any question you asked about pretty much anything was groundbreaking, and we hadn’t divided the body of human knowledge into categories like astronomy, medicine, geology, microbiology, physics, etc.

KID

So it was all just lumped under theoretical philosophy?

OLD MAN

Exactly, and it was pretty chaotic. Alchemists were trying to turn poop into gold. Barbers doubled as doctors. Politicians consulted oracles.

KID

What changed?

OLD MAN

Eventually, humans started noticing patterns in the universe. The moon, stars, and sun moved predictably. Certain medicines worked on certain ailments. Fortune tellers were recognized as frauds, and people noticed prayer worked as effectively as random chance. So people developed a systematic method of analyzing the universe and testing hypotheses for truth.

KID

So philosophy created science. I never thought of it that way before. So if philosophy splintered into science, math, medicine and all that then what do professional philosophers do these days?

OLD MAN

Nowadays they try to answer the questions that don’t fit in any of the boxes the philosophers of yesteryear compartmentalized the universe into. Some of the questions they ask may not even have answers.

KID

That doesn’t sound very useful.

OLD MAN

Does philosophy have to be useful?

KID

Isn’t sitting around congratulating yourself all day for thinking about useless things the same as mental masturbation?

OLD MAN

I can’t disprove that, but the point is moot anyway. Philosophy is useful for lots of things.

KID

Are there any other professions that dogmatically defend their right to be empirically useless while insisting they’re vitally useful?

OLD MAN

…religion?

KID

That reminds me. If theologians study books written by dead prophets to get their P.H.D. in religion then what do philosophers study to get their P.H.D. in philosophy?

OLD MAN

They study logic…and professionally published books written by dead philosophers who had P.H.D.s or some equivalent.

KID

How much time do they spend constantly rehashing the same old tired and suspiciously archaic ideas?

OLD MAN

…all I can say is, some more than others.

KID

Let me come at this from another angle. If I read the whole bible ten times will that make me a Christian?

OLD MAN

…not in and of itself, no.

KID

What if I get a piece of paper saying I studied all those people?

OLD MAN

Give me $70,000, and I’ll give you a piece of paper saying you’re the queen of the universe.

KID

So what do I have to do to prove I’m a real philosopher?

OLD MAN

Take a step back. Life isn’t about proving you’re a philosopher.

KID

So what’s life about then?

OLD MAN

For someone who doesn’t know why you’re here or what you should be doing now that you’re here, life is about using what you’ve got to get life figured out to the best of your ability to live your life as well as possible and leave the world a better place for future humans to do even better for themselves in.

KID

Great! Now give me step by step instructions on how to do that.

OLD MAN

If you believe everything I tell you then you’ll be a follower. If you put everything you learn to the test of truth and continue positing your own questions, answering them and challenging them then you’ll be a philosopher.

KID

So which questions should I start with?

OLD MAN

I’d start by asking myself what the most important question I can ask myself is and then work down from there.

KID

So when do I get to start congratulating myself for asking useless questions and rubbing in other people’s faces how I can quote more archaic books than them?

OLD MAN

You’ll have to use your own discretion to balance that between how much time you have in this life, how much suffering is in the world and how much you care about solving the real world problems that cause people to suffer.

KID

One last question. If I have the mental capacity to solve real-world problems and help people, does that mean I have an obligation to?

OLD MAN

Good question. You may make a philosopher yet.


An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Religions

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, kid?

KID

Can you explain religion to me?

OLD MAN

Which one?

KID

…all of them.

OLD MAN

Well Christians say Hindus worship mythology, and Hindus say Christians worship mythology. Mormons say Muslims worship mythology, and Muslims say Mormons worship mythology…

KID

Hold the phone. Are you saying all religion is mythology?

OLD MAN

I’m just pointing out that there’s a consensus among all the religions…except maybe Caodaism…that religion is mythology.

KID

But one of them has to be right, look at how many people believe!

OLD MAN

By your reasoning the religion with the most believers must be the true one, but that changes from time to time.

KID

So what happens if the one true religion changes after you die?

OLD MAN

…my point exactly.

KID

Can’t I count on God to lead me to the one true religion?

OLD MAN

That approach will most likely lead you to the religion that has the most social influence in the area you were raised in.

KID

Isn’t there any reliable way to test for truth?

OLD MAN

…the scientific method?

KID

But I read on Facebook that science is evil and unreliable!

OLD MAN

Do you believe water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit? Do you believe light travels at 186,282 miles per second? Do you believe the planets orbit the sun? Do you believe volcanos are caused by magma bursting through the earth’s crust? Do you believe in gravity? Do you believe drinking Drano will kill you, and do you even know the science behind why drinking Drano will kill you?

KID

Yes to all the questions except the last one.

OLD MAN

Believing in science 99% of the time and then contradicting yourself the one time you need a cop-out excuse isn’t a valid form of argument. That’s a defense mechanism.

KID

Why are you so mean to religious people?

OLD MAN

I just pointed out the obvious. You’re the one that shot the messenger, which again, is a defense mechanism.

KID

So science isn’t evil…it’s just indifferent, like a neutral, objective third party?

OLD MAN

It has to be since the whole point of science is to study an indifferent universe.

KID

So which religion passes this objective test for truth that we rely on in every other aspect of our lives?

OLD MAN

Just to be clear, can we rephrase that question to ask which religious book passes the same test for truth we rely on in every other aspect of our lives?

KID

Do we really need to make that distinction?

OLD MAN

We can fact check words that are written down and hold them accountable. Arguing over what you personally feel your religion is to you is like arguing with a bipolar ghost with multiple personality disorders who is in denial.

KID

Okay, drama queen. So which religious book passes the test of scientific inquiry?

OLD MAN

None of them.

KID

So you’re saying God isn’t real?

OLD MAN

I didn’t say that.

KID

So you’re saying there is a god, but the one true prophet has yet to transcribe the true word of the lord through divine inspiration?

OLD MAN

I definitely didn’t say that.

KID

Why can’t you give me a straight answer?

OLD MAN

…You could ask God the same question.

KID

I pray every night, and God never answers.

OLD MAN

…well there you go.

KID

Does that prove God doesn’t exist?

OLD MAN

Dead dads and deadbeat dads are indistinguishable to orphans.

KID

What if God is like a rich, loving dad who only seems to have abandoned his children when in reality he let them leave the nest to grow up on their own?

OLD MAN

I’m just curious, do the orphans have to know or believe who their dad is in order to receive their inheritance? Or will the dad throw them in the gutter if they don’t figure out who he is before he comes to bail them out of the orphanage he stranded them in?

KID

That dad sounds like a douche bag, and the bible says, “A father’s love is a love without end, amen.”

OLD MAN

You may be surprised to learn that several self-proclaimed prophets wrote down in some pretty popular religious books that God is, as you say, a douche bag.

KID

Well, if a self-proclaimed prophet wrote it down then it must be true. I mean, how can we understand the nature of the universe or the difference between right and wrong without prophets to teach us our creator’s expectations for us?

OLD MAN

…are we still ignoring the fact that there’s a consensus among all the prophets that religion is mythology?

KID

Yes.

OLD MAN

You want rules? Here you go. Rule number one. Don’t put your hand on a hot stove.

KID

Did a prophet write that rule down?

OLD MAN

Did we need one to?

KID

We need someone to tell us how to live.

OLD MAN

…spoken like a true victim of battered-person syndrome.

KID

I don’t know what that means, but I stand by my statement.

OLD MAN

Then maybe you should worship the I.R.S. It’s got millions of rules, and they’re constantly being updated.

KID

The I.R.S. is evil. They take all your money, and their rules don’t even make sense half the time.

 

OLD MAN

…Funny how often that happens when one person gets to tell another person how to live.

KID

The fact remains, I can’t be held responsible for deciding how to live.

OLD MAN

…then what’s the point of leaving the nest?

KID

…to learn obedience?

OLD MAN

…you mean like a slave?

KID

God gave us the free will to choose to accept or reject him.

OLD MAN

Telling people, “Do what I say or die.” doesn’t give them free will. It gives them a tyrannical ultimatum.

KID

Is there anything we can know for sure outside of what the prophets told us?

OLD MAN

…so far water has frozen at 32 degrees Fahrenheit every time I’ve checked.

KID

Ah Ha! If that’s an unchangeable rule then God must have made it!

OLD MAN

…which god was that then?

KID

If a rose is a rose by any other name then so is the force that determines the freezing point of water.

OLD MAN

…then why name the rose at all?

KID

I need a concrete answer to bring closure to this issue, and you haven’t given me any yet.

OLD MAN

…are you talking to me or god?

KID

The point is there has to be more to life than being stranded in an indifferent universe where you have to figure out everything for yourself and take responsibility for your own conclusions.

OLD MAN

…you say that like it’s a bad thing. You seem to be navigating life just fine so far, and you can’t even quote a religious book accurately. Is this really about defending religion?

KID

I’m just scared of death, and I’m projecting my fears the only way my elders taught me to. But mainly I’m afraid of going to hell. Isn’t it better to wager on religion and be wrong than wager against it and be wrong?

OLD MAN

So which religion do you wager on?

KID

…The one that makes the best promises and the worst threats?

OLD MAN

…and fails the test of science and takes all your money and has a bunch of rules that don’t even make any sense?

KID

But if I strip away all my preconceived beliefs then what am I left with?

OLD MAN

…freedom?

KID

Are you the devil trying to trick me?

OLD MAN

I could ask you the same question, but if you’re constantly disagreeing with the people whose job it is to indifferently, objectively point out the obvious then at some point you might consider the possibility that the source of the confusion is that you’re wrong.

KID

I’m going to have to go home and think about this.

OLD MAN

…funny you were created with the capacity to do that.


An Old Man From Jersey Explains: What Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg?

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten year old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, KID?

KID

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

OLD MAN

Is the chicken a male or female?

KID

A female, duh. Male chickens don’t lay eggs.

OLD MAN

So which came first, the female chicken that laid the egg or the male chicken that impregnated the female chicken?

KID

There would have to be two more chicken to have them…and two before them…and two before them.

OLD MAN

You figured it out. There’s chickens all the way down.

KID

Well, let’s say time only stretches into the future.

OLD MAN

You’re assuming time exists.

KID

Seeing as how I have to be home at six, and this is taking longer than I thought, let’s assume time exists. So where did the first two chickens come from?

OLD MAN

…the same place as everything else?

KID

So what existed before everything else?

OLD MAN

…Potential?

KID

What about time? Did that exist before anything else?

OLD MAN

Potentially.

KID

Was the universe born from its own potential?

OLD MAN

Well, if you’re going to assume the universe had a beginning, or a birth as you put it, I reckon you can assume whatever else you want.

KID

How could it not have a beginning?

OLD MAN

You don’t want time to have an end, but you expect it to have a beginning?

KID

Which option gives me and the chickens a definite beginning in time and an eternal future?

OLD MAN

The beginning of time is the end of time. The chicken is the egg. Time and space are a loop.

KID

I’ll take it.

OLD MAN

Got any more questions?

KID

Well… I had one, but I guess you sorta already answered it.

OLD MAN

Yeah, what was that?

KID

If God created the universe then who created God?

OLD MAN

…assuming there is a god.

KID

I’m going home now.


An Old Man From Jersey Explains: How To Grow Up

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, kid?

KID

Can you explain how to grow up to me?

OLD MAN

Where do you want me to start from?

KID

From the beginning.

OLD MAN

If you don’t define your end goal you can’t define the process to achieve it. So the first thing you have to do is define what a grown up is.

KID

So what’s a grown up?

OLD MAN

You’re assuming there’s really such thing as a grown up. It might just be a term that old people invented to subjugate young people.

KID

I’m not buying it. There’s definitely a difference between me and my mom.

OLD MAN

Well, your mom has learned how to survive in the particular environment she lives in, and she’s taken responsibility for her survival as well as yours. So there’s that, but it doesn’t necessarily make her a higher form of life than anyone who made the mistake of being born after her.

KID

So all I have to do to grow up is learn how to survive and take responsibility for my survival? I’m already learning all that in school. Does that mean all I have to do to grow up is graduate?

OLD MAN

The skills necessary to survive change every day as technological advancements, social, political and economic evolution change the world we live in. So by your reasoning, if and when the skills you learned in school become obsolete then you’ll regress back to childhood….assuming you went to a good school and actually learned everything your teachers taught you in the first place. You would also revert to childhood if you moved to a foreign country where your life skills aren’t applicable.

KID

Is all that really true?

OLD MAN

…only if you choose to define adults and children by mastery of their environment.

KID

But what’s the point of it all if I’m just surviving to grow up and growing up to survive?

OLD MAN

…maybe there’s more to life than becoming the prefect product of your environment.

KID

Like what?

OLD MAN

Like becoming yourself.

KID

Why’s that important?

OLD MAN

It’s the same for you and me as it is for a flower. You grow to your full potential and bloom, not because it accomplishes anything else in the world but just for the sake of experiencing the majesty of existing for its own sake, and since what you experience is defined by who you are then in order to experience life to its fullest potential you have to become you to your fullest potential.

KID

So that’s what it means to be a grown up? you have to become you to the fullest extent possible?

OLD MAN

…only if you choose to define adults and children by their level of self actualization.

KID

By that definition are you an adult?

OLD MAN

I’m not dumb enough to claim to be anything but lost, but if you want some good examples of people I’d consider grown ups then study Leonardo Da Vinci, Socrates, Benjamin Franklin, Confucius, people like that.

KID

I don’t know all of those people, but the ones I do know were really, really smart. I mean, they were born smart. I won’t ever be that smart.

OLD MAN

If you put as much effort into studying as you do making excuses and defending where you’re at you could become smarter than all those people put together.

KID

Would you just tell me what I need to study to grow up and become myself like those guys did?

OLD MAN

Just study what those guys studied.

KID

What did they study?

OLD MAN

Everything.

KID

When do I finish my studies?

OLD MAN

Never.

KID

But if I never finish then what’s the point?

OLD MAN

Everything you will ever think or do is based on your knowledge. The more you know the more you are and the more you can do. The less you know the less you are and the less you can do.

KID

But where will all that knowledge get me?

OLD MAN

It’ll bring you back to where you started and you’ll know where you are. Then you’ll have perspective. With perspective you’ll have direction, and with direction your actions will finally have meaning.

KID

What if I’d rather do something else with my life?

OLD MAN

That’s up to you, but how can you define your wants if you haven’t defined yourself?

KID

How can I be anyone but myself?

OLD MAN

A seed is not a flower.

KID

What about the wants I have right now? Aren’t they valid?

OLD MAN

Sure. Just remember that whatever path you take, you bet your life on.


An Old Man From Jersey Explains: The Meaning Of Life

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

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An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life
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Knowledge and Learning
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My Tweets About Philosophy 

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey Mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, Kid?

KID

Can you explain life to me?

OLD MAN

Where do you want me to start from?

KID

From the beginning.

OLD MAN

Okay, now look. If I offered you 100 billion dollars to do it, and I promised to kill your whole family if you didn’t then would you do it?

KID

Um, yeah.

OLD MAN

That’s right. You wouldn’t even have to think about it or work up the motivation because there would be no choice There’d just be one path in front of you.

KID

The heck does this have to do with life?

OLD MAN

If you don’t understand how important life is or why then you won’t have the appropriate motivation to take life as seriously as you should. Then you won’t put the appropriate amount of effort into living, but if you truly, truly understood the value of life then you wouldn’t have to debate with yourself or work up the strength to sacrifice any of the relative temptations of the world to pursue life’s highest purpose. Your motivation would be so strong there’d only be one choice, one path before you. So the first lesson you need to learn about life is how valuable it is and why.

KID

Cool beans. So how valuable is life?

OLD MAN

How old are you, kid?

KID

I’m ten and a half years old going on eleven.

OLD MAN

No you’re not. You’re closer to 14 billion years old. All the stuff in your body was there at the Big Bang. Galaxies rose and fell around you as you floated to a place where the atoms in your body could finally come together in a way that makes you, you.

KID

So you’re saying I was meant to be here since the beginning of time?

OLD MAN

…that or you’re infinitely lucky to be here.

KID

So I’m either destined or lucky to come all this way just to die!? What’s the point of existing for a second if I’m not going to exist forever? Doesn’t the brevity of life make life pointless?

OLD MAN

The finite amount of time you get to live here is infinitely valuable because of its scarcity alone. You asked me how valuable life is. Well, here’s my answer. It’s infinitely valuable.

KID

Gosh, that’s a burden of responsibility bordering on a guilt trip.

OLD MAN

…ironic that it’s coming from an indifferent universe. Anyway, given that every second of your short, irreplaceable life is infinitely valuable, that makes the following question infinitely important: What’s the most important thing you can do with your life?

KID

I don’t know how to read a clock much less answer that question.

OLD MAN

Then find someone who knows the meaning of life and ask them.

KID

Who knows the meaning of life?

OLD MAN

Nobody.

KID

In all of human history?

OLD MAN

Nobody. Ever. Anywhwere. Did you get an instruction book to life when you were born that explained everything? No, well, nobody else did either. Nobody has any idea what’s going on. There are no experts, no authorities, no grown ups.

KID

My mom knows the answer to any question I ask her. And if she didn’t know what’s right and wrong then how could she spank me for doing wrong?

OLD MAN

We might get taller, and we might memorize a lot of facts, but philosophically we’re al stuck at 5 years old guessing at life and faking our maturity level until we start believing whatever it is we’re doing is what humans are supposed to be doing.

KID

So…you’re saying you’re not the person to ask about the meaning of life?

OLD MAN

Ask as many people as many questions as you can, but never take anything for granted, because you’re fate is your responsibility. It’s up to you to figure out the meaning of life.

KID

But you just said nobody ever figured it out.

OLD MAN

…sucks, don’t it?

KID

So that’s life? You’re born lost. The End. Hope it don’t suck to be you.

OLD MAN

You watch too much anime. So what if we don’t know why we’re here? The point is we’re still here. We still gotta do something. Since we don’t have anything more important to do than figure out what we’re supposed to be doing then we may as well spend our lives figuring that out.

KID

But if we can’t figure out why we’re here then how do we figure out what to do now that we’re here?

OLD MAN

There are things we can know about ourselves and the universe we’ve found ourselves stranded in. The more of those things we know the better we can live. We might not be able to prove we lived ight according to the ultimate maxim, but we can do something good with what we’ve got, and that which a man can do he should do.

KID

Sounds good. So where do I start my education?

OLD MAN

You can’t understand how a car works until you understand the parts that make up a car. Same thing with life. And what’s life then? Life is being a walking, talking, breathing, thinking creature stranded in this great, big, beautiful, lonely, indifferent universe.

KID

So I should become a mechanic? Got it.

OLD MAN

If you want to understand life then you gotta understand the universe that gave birth to you and that you live in. Learn all the science you can, because that’ll teach you the facts that everything else is built on.

KID

So once I become a super scientist then where do I point my telescope to start studying the meaning of life?

OLD MAN

That grass you’re standing on is alive. Why don’t you just ask it?

KID

Hey grass! why are you alive? It didn’t answer.

OLD MAN

Did it do anything?

KID

No. It just sat there and grew.

OLD MAN

Well there you go then.

KID

Are you saying the meaning of life is to just sit here and grow?

OLD MAN

I’m just pointing out what life does.

KID

But our lives would be pointless if all we did was just get big, grow old and die like grass.

OLD MAN

So you’re saying this grass’s life is meaningless?

KID

The life of grass has meaning because it’s a part of the food chain.

OLD MAN

…and whatever life form is at the top of the food chain has the most meaningful life, right?

KID

Exactly, but does that mean if more advanced aliens come along it’ll make my life worthless?

OLD MAN

But does that mean if more advanced aliens come along it’ll make my life worthless?

KID

Okay, I take that back. Life is inherently valuable to each individual life form simply because it’s alive.

OLD MAN

Now that that’s settled the grass is still growing into taller grass. What are you growing into?

KID

A taller human?

OLD MAN

That’s your body. What about your mind? What about your identity?

KID

I am what I am.

OLD MAN

That’s good that you acknowledge you’re a product of your environment. Now you need to acknowledge that you’ve yet to blossom into a significantly independent identity.

KID

Do they teach how to do that in school?

OLD MAN

I’d suggest enrolling in some online psychology classes.

KID

Now are you saying the meaning of life is to be a psychologist?

OLD MAN

The grass is here to be grass, and you’re here to be you. If you have questions about how to be you then I suggest you talk to the people who study “yous.”

KID

That’s painfully logical. So who am I supposed to be trying to become while I’m here?

OLD MAN

I suspect the point is that you get to pick.

KID

There’s no wrong answer?

OLD MAN

Well, you’re the one who is going to have to live with yourself. so You get what you got.

KID

So that’s life then?

OLD MAN

…I didn’t say to take my word for it.

 

 


An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Philosophy

So I was sitting on the front steps to my apartment building the other day watching the people walk by when this kid comes up to me and says, “Hey mister.”

I say, “What do you want, kid?”

He says, “Can you explain philosophy to me?”

I think about it for a minute, and then I ask him, “Where do you want me to start from?”

“From the beginning.” The kid says.

So I think about it some more and decide this is the first thing a kid needs to understand about philosophy.

“In the beginning humans were just dumb animals shivering in the cold, unable to speak or build tools, and all we did all day was look for something to eat and someone to fu…aall in love with. Ugh Hmmph. Our minds were raw awareness and emotion.

Over generations though our brains grew, and as our brains grew they got better at thinking. We figured out how to communicate, make tools, devise strategy, form complex relationships, create art, that kind of stuff.

Once we were able to pass on knowledge from generation to generation by word of mouth and especially by writing our knowledge started to compound. After that…”

“Hey, what’s this have to do with anything?”
“Seriously, kid? Let me finish my story, and you might find out a thing or three.”

“Sorry.”

“You’re gonna be if you interrupt me again. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.

Try to imagine what life was like for those human beings who were alive just after we learned to talk and write but before history began. They were completely lost and bewildered by the universe. Nothing made sense. What’s the sun? What is lightening? How are babies made? Why do we get sick? What happens after death? They had all these questions with no answers. So people started asking questions.”

“So philosophers are people who ask questions. Got it. Thanks. I’ll see ya later.”

“Hold your horses, kid. Get back here. Yeah, philosophers are people who ask questions, but that’s oversimplified to the point of being wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, anyone who builds a house is a carpenter, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, anyone can nail a few boards together and make a roof over their head, but if you did that you’d end up with a dilapidated shanty that’s going to fall down and kill you in your sleep. It takes a lot more to be a proper carpenter and make a proper house. Same thing with philosophers. Want me to explain?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“There’s a good boy. You’ll go far if you can exercise a little curiosity and patience.

So, as I was sayin’, people started asking questions about the universe. ‘What’s this?’ ‘Why does this happen that way?’ ‘What happens if I do this?’ Yadda yadda yadda.”

“But the sun and lightening and getting sick and all that’s science. You’re talking about scientists, not philosophers.”

“Hey, weren’t you the one who said you didn’t know what a philosopher is? I’m trying to tell you.

In the early days we didn’t distinguish between philosophers, scientists, psychologists, mathematicians and whatever else. There were just people who were trying to get it all figured out. The people who were trying to get it figured out where philosophers.

Only problem was that they weren’t very good at it. They were like shitty carpenters trying to build a house. So they came up with a lot of shoddy explanations for things like, thunder is made by giants in the sky shouting. Sickness is caused by evil spirits. The universe was created in six days, and bad things happen because a naked lady in a magical garden ate a magical apple given to her by a talking snake…”

“Wait a minute! You’re talking bad about Jesus. And that’s not philosophy. That’s religion. And you said philosophers were scientists, not preachers. My mom says…”

“I know what your mom says. At least, I can guess. But your both wrong, and I haven’t contradicted myself. Religion was invented by philosophers using what little knowledge they had to make sense of the world around them. Sometimes they did it with good intentions. Sometimes they did it with selfish intentions that hurt other people. That’s water under the bridge at this point. The point is that they were trying to find truth and make sense of life. They just weren’t very good at it.

Anyone who asks questions in the search for truth is a philosopher, but only the people who follow solid, useful rules when asking questions are real philosophers in the same sense that only the people who build houses using solid, useful rules are real carpenters. You see how I’m actually going somewhere with this? I’m not jerking your chain here.

And just like with a house, the most important thing to figure out first is how to make the foundation. The second most important thing is the structure. Then there’s the functional details, then the aesthetic details. Then, once you’ve mastered the fundamentals you can start getting theoretical with your designs because only then are you not going to build some piece of crap that’s going to fall down. Again, it’s the same thing with human beings’ understanding of the universe and life. Good philosophers ask and answer the most important, fundamental questions first.

Anyway, the first philosophers were theologians…that’s people who make up religions or more accurately, mythology. Then, as human knowledge improved theologians lagged behind in solid truth seeking and scientists took up where they left off. Once scientists answered the most fundamental questions and coming up with math, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and what have you then the latest brand of philosophers turned their attention to psychology, sociology, anthropology and metaphysics.”

“So those old guys with pipes who talk about things nobody can understand are the real philosophers?”

“You tell me, kid.

No. Never mind. I’ll tell you.

After humans had been preserving and passing on knowledge for roughly 10,000 years there came a point where most of the cut and dry questions had been answered. That laid the foundation for certain thinkers with the money to afford an education and the time on their hands to sit around speculating on the nature of reality.

That, in and of itself, was a good thing. The only problem was that, like with mythology,  there were a lot of people who took these thinkers’ questions/conclusions as authoritative. So a lot of people stopped searching for truth in the fundamental sense and just regurgitated…”

“What’s regujidaded mean?”

“It means to throw up something you ate.”

“Oh.”

“Anyways, people started regurgitating these thinkers questions and answers over and over and over, and they got so caught up in reanalyzing these old questions that they never asked new questions and found new questions with new answers.”

“But if they were smart enough to understand all that stuff that nobody else understands then how come they weren’t smart enough to figure out that they were just rejugilating old stuff and not doing anything new and useful and answering the rest of the questions?”

“Good question, kid. You just might make a philosopher yet. I’ll tell ya why. Because of human nature.”

“Human nature?”

“Oh yeah, kid. Let me ask you a question. Do you respect your mother?”

“You bet I do.”

“Why?”

“Uh, because she’s my mom, duh.”

“Exactly. Now, I know your mother is a good woman, but you’d respect her no matter what because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?”

“Yeah. Well, wait…”

“Nope. No backtracking. Then you’re just kidding yourself. The truth is that it’s in our instincts to respect our elders. It’s not usually right, because most of our elders are douche bags, but that’s the way it is. We grow up all of our lives hearing that this person or that person is the cat’s pajamas and we take it to be true. Then when anyone questions that person we assume the dissenter is stupid or crazy.

That’s what happened with the old philosphers’ ideas. They gained a social status of authority, and all of a sudden everyone assumed the ideas had actual authority. Plus, the people regurgitating these theories prided themselves with being open minded, logical and superior to nonthinkers so much that their arrogance blinded them to their ignorance.”

“So you’re saying they’re all stupid?”

“Hey, all I’m saying is this. The fact of the matter is that if any of the celebrities of modern philosophy found out how idolized, analyzed and defended they are today they’d shit a brick. Pardon my French. There’s no doubt in my mind that if they would have known what was going to happen to their work they would have thrown away everything they ever wrote and forced future generations to reinvent the wheel because that would be better than everyone spending several hundred years spinning their wheels.”

“…well…gosh. But if there’s still wheels to spin then they didn’t have it all figured out. If those guys didn’t have it all figured out and they were so smart then I’ll never have a chance of getting anything figured out.”

“Well, I guess you may as well just shit in your hand and give up, huh?”

“…”

“Kid, don’t sell yourself short. Can you ask a question?”

“…yeah.”

“Then you can be a philosopher. The key to becoming a real philosopher is the same as it was 10,000 years ago. All you have to do is ask yourself, ‘What is the biggest problem you’re facing today?’.”

“The biggest problem I’m facing today is my grades in school.”

“Then focus on that. If Galileo hadn’t focused on his school he might never have figured out that the earth isn’t the center of the universe.”

“But aren’t we supposed to ask the highest questions?”

“Never mind the obvious fact that we don’t know what the highest level questions are. If Galileo had got stuck on asking metaphysical questions once he finished school then he might never have figured out that the earth isn’t the center of the universe. Then we’d all still be worshiping mythology and locking our neighbors in giant metal masks for gossiping.”

“But…”

“No buts. Forget about the questions or answers your elders settled on.  Forget about what people think is smart. Try to answer the most immediately important questions. Once you’ve answered those you can move on to answering the next most immediately important questions. Build on truth after truth. That’s the only way you’ll ever be able to understand the highest truths. If you try to jump straight to the end you’re going to end up just as misguided as the fools who invented the mythological concept of sin.

Don’t let your search for truth get boxed in and suffocated by the canon of religious or academic dogmatists. Don’t be afraid to reinvent the wheel ,because it’s human nature to get stuck using broken wheels passed down from more primitive, ignorant and authoritarian generations. But no matter what you do, just remember this one thing…”

“What’s that?”

“Don’t tell your mother I told you any of this.”

See what other questions the old man from Jersey has answered: