Two Conservative Ladies #9

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

Comic # 1

Lady #1: I saw a Muslim on the news burning an American flag and saying that America is waging a holy war against Islam.

Lady #2: Muslims are so silly. I’ve been saying all along we should just bomb them back to the stone age.

Lady #1: But that’s what Obama has been doing… and isn’t Obama a Muslim?

Lady #2: Of course, dear.

Lady #1: But why would a Muslim wage war on Muslims?

Lady #2: Well… Obviously he’s just the worst Muslim ever.

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I’m fiscally conservative but socially liberal.

Lady #2: What is that supposed to mean, dear?

Lady #1: It means I want to help everybody except the poor.

Comic # 3

Lady #1: Do you think overcharging our customers and underpaying our workers entitles us to a tax break?

Lady #2: The issue is moot, dear.

Lady #1: Why is that?

Lady #2: Funding politician’ campaigns entitles us to whatever we want.

Comic # 4

Lady #1: Remind me again why we love capitalism and hate socialism so much?

Lady #2: Okay, pretend you’re a worker and not a trust fund baby.

Lady #1: Okay, I’m pretending.

Lady #2: When your boss gets to keep all your money, that’s capitalism. When you get to keep all your money, that’s socialism.

Lady #1: Ahhh. Yep. Better not let that catch on.

Comic # 5

Lady #1: Can you really call a country the land of the free when it has more prisoners than any other country?

Lady #2: Try to stop me.

Comic # 6

Lady #1: Getting all your news from Jon Stewart and “The Daily Show” is exactly the same as getting all your news from Fox News.

Lady #2: I didn’t realize Jon Stewart told so many out-and-out lies.

Lady #1: You were just supposed to agree with my statement, not analyze it.

Comic # 7

Lady #1: Why don’t we let seventeen year olds vote?

Lady #2: Obviously, they’re too god damned stupid to vote responsibly.

Lady #1: But turning 18 doesn’t prove you’re smart.

Lady #2: Why not require voters to take actual competency exams before being allowed to vote? Or why not disqualify senile old people from being able to vote?

Lady #1: …

Lady #2: Oh, wait. Never mind.

Comic # 8

Lady #1: My daughter is so excited! This is the first year she’s getting to vote!

Lady #2: Why is she so excited about that?

Lady #1: Because she’s on the Electoral College.

Comic # 9

Lady #1: So explain to me how you plan to do your job.

Lady #2: No, and fuck you for asking.

Lady #1: Well, I’d never hire you to work for me, but I’ll sure vote for you to be president.

Comic # 10

Lady #1: Things are getting out of hand out there! People are talking about voting for a third party all over the place! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?

Lady #2: Uhhh. Buy them out if they ever get in office.

Lady #1: Oh yeah. I forgot how easy corruption is.

Comic # 11

Lady #1: There’s only one thing I hate worse than the liberal news.

Lady #2: What’s that, dear?

Lady #1: How liberals won’t listen to conservative news since they’re all hopelessly biased.