Author Archives: wise sloth

My middle of the road theory on sexual morality and gender labels

If an American turned on their television in the 1950’s, they’d see women cooking and cleaning the house, and men going to work in business suits. Boys played with toy guns, and girls played with dolls. There were only two choices for sex and gender, but it wasn’t really a choice, because the genitals you were born with determined how society expected you to behave.  If you were born with a penis, you acted like Ward Clever, and if you were born with a vagina, you acted like June Clever.

In the 1950’s, American television culture was so prudish, sitcoms weren’t allowed to show married heterosexual couples in the same bed.  So husbands and wives were always portrayed sleeping in separate twin-sized beds, fully clothed. When the children who grew up watching “Leave it to Beaver” became adults, they considered the sitcom, “Three’s Company” obscene, because it showed a single man living with two single females. To the old timers’ dismay, “Three’s Company” was popular enough with the younger generation to last eight seasons.

In 2004, the Baby Boomers who grew up on “Three’s Company” considered “The L Word” obscene because it showed promiscuous lesbians living together and getting married. The only reason “The L Word” was allowed on television at all, was because it aired on late night cable, far from the impressionable eyes of children.

It didn’t take another twenty years for society to accept the next next jump in which sexual norms are allowed to be shown on television. In less than a decade, the bonds of tradition loosened to the point that NBC (a family-oriented channel) produced, “The New Normal,” a sitcom in which two gay men hire a woman to be a surrogate mother for their child.

If that wasn’t enough to give Baby Boomers heart attacks, they also had to come to terms with  shows like “Ru Paul’s Drag Race” and “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” in which transsexuals openly demand to be celebrated. To the old timers’ dismay, both of those shows are so popular with young people, they’ve already lasted more seasons than “Three’s Company.”

In the history of mankind, society has never changed this fast. The reason this is happening now, is because technology is spreading information to people, who are learning more, faster than ever. Radio and TV were unprecedented, but the invention of the internet sped up communication exponentially, and its pace is still compounding. If things are changing so fast right now your head is spinning, it’s going to have spun completely off your body in twenty years, because this whirlwind of change is only going to get faster.

Sexual orientation and gender norms have always been debated, but the conversation has never been this polarized or violent. The reason the national dialogue on sex and gender isn’t as calm as it was in the 1990’s is because we’re all in uncharted territory. The young, progressive liberals leading the charge are as lost as the elderly conservative curmudgeons who are holding onto tradition. Moderates in the middle are wondering who is less wrong.

For example, you used to be considered a liberal progressive if you believed in women’s right to work or homosexuals’ right to marry, but if the progressive social justice warriors get their way in 2017, when you fill out a job application that asks your gender, it will have to include 50-80 different types of gender pronouns your coworkers will have to address you by, according to your choice.

Don’t ask me to explain this chart. I don’t know.

To some of America’s social justice warriors, those pronouns aren’t enough to accurately label everyone. So they invented a chart explaining how sex and gender are part of a spectrum, which children can use to determine the nature of their gender and sexuality. Every American agrees freedom of choice is a good thing, but even moderate liberals laugh and cringe at The Gender Unicorn.

There actually is a degree of truth to the fluidity of sex and gender, but it’s more nuanced than social justice warriors or Christians are ready to admit. For starters, the traditional way of thinking about sex and gender is that there are only two possibilities. You’re either a boy with a penis or a girl with a vagina. Life isn’t that simple. Sex organs are determined by chromosomes. If you have an XY chromosome, you’ll be born with a penis and all the hormones that make you think and act masculine. If you have  XX chromosomes, you’ll be born with a vagina and all the chromosomes that make you think and act feminine.

However, people are often born with a mismatched combination of chromosomes like XXY, XXXY, or just X. These genetic codes create mixed signals within people’s body. Some combinations will cause someone to have the body of one sex, but the mental wiring of the other.  This makes them feel like they’re living in the wrong body, and no amount of will-power or philosophizing is going to change that. In these cases, getting a sex change is a drastic, but legitimate, choice.

Some conservatives argue this saying, “You may have the choice to cut your dick off, but how is that not insane?” Well, insanity is defined as “a pattern of mental or behavioral patterns that may be abnormal to social norms and definitely causes someone to be a danger to themselves or others.”

Chopping your dick off is definitely abnormal. It’s probably not going to cause you to harm other people, but the suicide rate among transsexuals is above average. So technically, being a transsexual fits the definition of insanity, but so does autism and ADHD. Down syndrome and neurofibromatosis are caused by abnormal chromosomes. So if you’re going to hate transsexuals for being born with a more difficult genetic makeup to manage than the average person, then you need to hate almost everybody.

Some transsexuals don’t have abnormal chromosomes, but their life experiences convinced them to seek a new identity. For example, I once met a man who got a sex change and lived as a woman. He was molested repeatedly by his father as a child, and he told me that at one point, when he was being raped, it was like a switch went off in his head. He remembered thinking, “Daddy has sex with mommy, and daddy is having sex with me. So I must be a mommy.” The rest of his life was a downward spiral into confusion and self-destructive behavior. Technically, this person’s thoughts and behavior fit the definition of insanity, but if you’re going to hate him for that, you’re not trying to understand anything, and you’re one of the bad guys.  Even if he made the wrong decision, that doesn’t mean he deserves to be hated.

On a lighter note, I once met a teenage girl who identified as a man, but she spent her evenings shopping for shoes on her smart phone and doing everything girls do, including dating guys. She got swept up in the social movement for sexual equality before she was old enough to understand genetics and found a niche that gave her an identity even though it didn’t truly fit her. She’ll undoubtedly grow out of it, like I grew out of my heavy metal phase.Does this make her an insane piece of shit who deserves to be spat on? No. She’s just a naive kid trying to find herself, like the rest of us.

Her story doesn’t change the fact that there are more than two types of chromosome patterns humans can be born with. Transsexuals are real. If you can’t accept that, then you don’t believe in reality, which fits the definition of insanity. At the same time though, you don’t get to decide you’re a real transsexual just because it’s trendy.

If the poser transsexual I mentioned above wants to wear pants instead of dresses, and get a job instead of raising children, her decision is amoral, not immoral. Scottish men wear kilts. Arab men wear a long, flowing garb called a thawb, which looks dress-like to Westerners. Different cultures all over the world, and throughout history, have assigned different gender roles to men and women, including how they dress, act and work.

These kind of gender differences are social constructs that we have social pressure to follow but no moral obligation. Anyone can dress however they want. Clothing patterns are a non-issue. If you believe you have a divine duty to enforce your parents’ dress code on everyone else, you’re intellectually lazy at best, and insane at worst.

Granted, telling a preschooler they get to choose how to define their sexuality and gender role for the rest of their life is setting them up for failure. If you tell a five year old boy he can be whatever he wants, he’s more likely to choose to be a dinosaur than a girl.

Kids don’t know what the hell is going on, and this is all the more reason we shouldn’t encourage girls to wear dresses and play with Barbies, and boys to wear pants and play with action figures. We’re indoctrinating kids with gender roles that wouldn’t matter if they were broken. In the cosmic scale of things, the clothes you wear don’t matter. They’re useful, but it’s unnecessary to force people to wear clothes that fit your fleeting cultural upbringing.

Another unnecessary social construct is the idea that everyone under the age of eighteen is going to be traumatized by seeing genitals. No other animal on the planet gets worked up over seeing genitals, and children who grow up in nudist colonies don’t leave traumatized. Their curse is having to live the rest of their lives wondering why everyone else is so uptight.

The solution to whether or not trans men should be allowed to use women’s bathrooms is to remove all gender segregation and let men and women piss, shit and shower together. This sounds outrageous if you’ve never experienced it, but that’s not because it’s crazy. It’s because you’ve been indoctrinated with your society’s cultural norms. If everyone walked around naked together, like in the shower scene in “Starship Troopers,” we would all just get on with our lives and not worry about other people’s bodies.

At some point, someone may get raped by sharing bathrooms, but I sincerely believe there will be less rapes overall because society’s sexual frustration level will be lower across the board. If we’re going to segregate the sexes and force people to hide their skin, then we can’t condemn cultures that force women to cover their entire bodies. They’re doing the same thing as you. They’ve just taken your moderate style of oppression and ran with it to its inevitable conclusion.

Who you choose to have sex with is just as much of a non-issue as what clothes you wear or who sees your genitals. Sexual attraction is partly determined by hormones and partly by choice. Either way, if you get stranded on a deserted island for the rest of your life, eventually, you’re going to fuck whatever is there, even if your only companion is a sheep.

It’s an understatement to say everyone is bi-sexual. Humans are omni-sexual. The most accurate way to define humans isn’t heterosexual or homosexual. We’re all just fuck bots. When you remove the social pressure to only have one type of sex, people will fuck just about anything. This isn’t immoral. It’s amoral. It doesn’t matter where you stick your dick, what you stick inside of you, or what orifice you stick it in… as long as nobody gets hurt or is forced to do something against their will.

Everyone over the age of thirty has thought, even just for a second, about fucking something that isn’t a member of the opposite sex. Most of us have fucked our hand or a toy, but we don’t have a special name for that, because we don’t care. Imagine if we told people that if you ever think about having sex with a pocket pussy, it makes you a latex-ophile, which is how you must have been born and thus how you have to identify yourself and behave.

There are undoubtedly millions of men and women who had a passing thought that they might like to have intercourse with someone of their own sex. But because society says only gay people think about that, people often assume their one-off fantasy must mean they’re gay and therefore have to wear rainbow flags and act flamboyant. If we’d all grown up believing humans are just horny fuck bots and it doesn’t matter how you achieve orgasm, we’d all get on with our lives and not end up basing our personality on our sexual fantasies.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to identify as gay. Some people have the right cocktail of hormones that predispose them to wanting to have gay sex. However, they’re not going to burst into flames if they decide to have heterosexual intercourse. So all I’m saying is it’s unnecessary to force people into conforming to a social group that fits their fantasies. Many militant homosexuals and heterosexuals alike are guilty of forcing this dichotomy on others.

In conclusion, progressives are correct that there are more than two choices for how to live. However, forcing people to pick one of eighty labels, and then demonizing people who don’t, is oppressive in exactly the same way as forcing people to pick between one of two labels and demonizing those who don’t fit your expectations. The left has become guilty of enforcing too many labels, and the right has been guilty of enforcing too few. The solution is to get rid of the need for any labels by not giving a fuck about other people.

Most people who read this probably won’t agree with half of what I’ve said, but I believe history will vindicate me. I believe the future will look like Star Trek, where everyone wears gender neutral onesies because people will have stopped worrying about socially constructed gender differences. There will also be men who wear dresses and women who wear combat boots. Everyone will be showering with each other and having casual sex. The world won’t end. Life will go on, and everyone will get more of what they want.

Most people alive today will be glad they won’t live to see the new world, because they can’t let go of their traditions, which are based on archaic and intellectually lazy labels for sex and gender. If it’s any consolation, your children won’t have to pick their gender identity on a unicorn chart, and adults won’t have to pick between eighty different labels when they fill out employment applications, because nobody will care enough to make that distinction.

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My theory on just about every conspiracy theory

Aliens


The universe is too large for there to not be other life forms. However, it’s also too large for aliens to receive radio transmission from Earth, let alone visit us without spaceships capable of faster than light travel. The chances of aliens knowing Earth exists is slim but not impossible. Until we have more definitive proof, there’s no reason to believe aliens have been near Earth.

I’m 99.9% certain aliens have never set foot on our planet, because if they had, we all would have died from the space flu, and they would have died from the human flu. For this reason, I expect we’ll never be allowed to land on other planets inhabited by intelligent life, and they will never want to land on ours.

UFOs


There’s a good chance alien spacecraft have flown by Earth. I want to believe they’ve been captured on film, and I’ve seen some pretty crazy videos of UFOs, but until aliens make contact with us, the simplest explanation of UFOs is, they’re man-made.

Consider that the SR-71 Blackbird was invented in 1964 and wasn’t declassified until 1980. The F-117 Nighthawk was invented in 1975 and wasn’t declassified until 1989. So for decades, sky watchers could see strange shaped aircraft traveling faster than any aircraft known to the public.

It’s fair to assume that in any given year, the U.S. Air Force currently has classified aircraft technology 20 years ahead of what the public knows about. If I were in charge of keeping these aircraft secret, I would spread rumors they’re alien spacecraft to deflect attention from the truth.

Area 51


Area 51 is a real Air Force base located in a remote, deserted part of Nevada. Many strange aircraft have been seen in the skies nearby, and there are widespread rumors that it does, or did, contain the wreckage of an alien spacecraft and the bodies of its extraterrestrial passengers.

Some locals living near Aviano Air Force Base, Italy also believe the Air Force is hiding the body of a dead alien in an underground bunker there too. I was stationed at Aviano for two years with a top secret security clearance. I can assure you, life on base is normal and mundane. My guess is that a work day in Area 51 is closer to my experiences than the way Hollywood portrays it.

Since we know man-made aircraft, 20 years more technologically advanced than commercial airplanes, like the SR-71 Blackbird, are tested at Area 51, there’s a common sense explanation for why people keep seeing UFOs around there. I’m sure whatever is in Area 51 is mind blowing, but I doubt it has anything to do with aliens.

The Illuminati


The Illuminati was a real secret society in Germany during the 17th century that included royalty and other celebrities of the time. Their goal was to, “oppose superstition, obscurantism, religious influence over public life and abuses of state power.” Basically, they were humanitarian intellectuals committed to promoting truth and empowering the masses.

Conspiracy theorists believe this group still exists, but now they want to take over the world and oppress everyone. There’s no evidence this is true. So it would be stupid to take it seriously.

The Freemasons


The Masonic Lodge was originally a fraternal brotherhood in Europe dating back to the 14th century. It was partly a social club and partly a union for mason workers. It spread to America in the 17th century, where its members included many famous politicians and leaders of industry.

Conspiracy theorists believe it still has members at the highest level of government who worship Satan and want to control and oppress the world. You can still find Masonic Lodges operating all over America today, but they’re just a slightly more cultish version of the Rotary Club or Kiwanis Club. They’re basically Cub Scouts for grown-ups. You can join their silly meet-up group and climb the ranks, but you won’t find a secret conspiracy at the top of the pyramid. You’ll just find a bunch of suburban Christians having boring meetings.

Reptilians


Former sports broadcaster, turned professional conspiracy theorist, David Icke, popularized the idea that the world is controlled by shape-shifting aliens called Reptilians. There’s no evidence of this, and anyone who believes in Reptilians either needs to go back to school to learn logic or see a therapist.

If you believe in Reptilians, you’re a gullible, weak-minded fool who will believe anything. The Reptilian conspiracy theory is like Pizzagate. It’s a story invented by a professional liar who has to keep selling stories to keep getting paid.

American secret societies


America has a number of known secret fraternities like the Skull and Bones club, Bilderberg Group and Bohemian Grove, that include many politicians and leaders of industry. Conspiracy theorists believe these semi-secret organizations control the world or are plotting to.

The truth is, these are just groups of rich people who want to help each other get richer. They have a lot of power since they have a lot of money, but the world is bigger than them. China, India, and other world superpowers undoubtedly have their own little clubs for rich assholes, but none of them control the entire world, and it’s doubtful any of them want to.

All they want is for their businesses to make more money. They’ve undoubtedly done some shady things like fighting unions and environmental regulations and keeping the minimum wage at poverty levels. They probably congratulate themselves for ruling the world, but they don’t, nor do they need to.

The moon landing was faked
NASA faked some pictures and video of astronauts on the moon, but they did it because they didn’t have enough real footage to satisfy the public’s interest. Neil Degrasse Tyson does a better job than I could of explaining why it would be easier to go to the moon than to fake all the footage.

JFK


It’s possible there was more than one shooter involved in the JFK assassination, but nobody knows why JFK got shot. It’s doubtful any more evidence will come to light. So we’re just going to have to accept the fact that we’ll never know the whole truth.

Moon bases


In 2001, I was enlisted in the U.S. Air Force, stationed at Aviano Air Force Base, Italy. There, I met a man who claimed to have met a man whose job was to airbrush details out of government photos before the invention of Photoshop. This person claimed to have airbrushed bases out of pictures taken on the dark side of the moon. This story is proof of nothing, but it sure sounds cool. Frankly, I’d be disappointed in aliens and our government if there aren’t any permanent structures on the moon, but there’s no reason to believe there are until we have any real evidence.

The September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks 


On September 11, 2001, members of the terrorist organization, Al-Qaeda, hijacked several commercial airliners and flew them into the Twin Towers and the Pentagon in a coordinated terrorist attack. Conspiracy theorists claim this was really an inside job, created by the American government as a false flag attack to justify war in the Middle East.

It’s not crazy to believe the American government is capable of this, because they used a false flag attack in the Gulf of Tonkin to justify starting the Vietnam War. It also drew up plans for Operation Northwoods, in which the CIA would commit a false flag attack on American civilians so the Department of Defense could justify going to war with Cuba. The plan was never enacted, but its real evidence of how low the American Government’s moral standards are. Given that the American government also invented false evidence and lied about its justification to go to war with Iraq, there’s no reason to trust anything the American government says.

Having said that, at best, we have evidence a crime was committed, and the American government had the means and motive to do it, but if the government were put on trial, there wouldn’t be enough evidence to convict them. If anything shady happened on September 11th, we’ll probably never know the whole truth. So we shouldn’t act like we do.

 

HAARP


In 1993, the American military built a ridiculously huge and expensive array of antennas in Alaska called the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Project, or HAARP. Officially, their primary goal was to see if they could use the atmosphere as a giant radar or communication device. Eventually, the program was shut down and sold to a college. Conspiracy theorists believe the American military was using HAARP to weaponize the weather.

It’s not crazy to believe the American military would try to weaponize the weather. They weaponized dolphins and tried to weaponize psychics. The people running the Department of Defense would weaponize their mothers if they could. The fact that they defunded HAARP and sold the equipment to a college, means they couldn’t find a way to do anything with the atmosphere… for now.

The American government is spying on you


It used to be a joke that people who believe the government is spying on them are tinfoil hat-wearing, paranoid lunatics. In 2013, Edward Snowden, one of the government employees who spied on Americans, leaked conclusive evidence that the government is spying on everyone and constantly trying to get better at it. It’s no longer a conspiracy theory that the American government is spying on you. At this point, it’s crazier to trust the American government than to distrust it.

The Communist agenda


Karl Marx said that Communism must be spread by the sword, because everyone deserves to be free, and if they’re not, it’s a moral imperative to overthrow their oppressors. This was part of America’s justification for going to war with Vietnam and for putting an embargo on Cuba for decades. The more countries that became Communist, the bigger of an alliance they could form. If enough countries got together, they could overthrow America, which again, their mission statement says they’re obligated to do.

Communist aggression is a thing of the past though, and it only ever really existed in the Russian revolution. Once Lenin and Stalin got in power, they ran Russia as a dictatorship and called it Communism, which is the same thing that happened in China, Vietnam, Cuba and every other country that ever called itself Communist. Communism has never actually been tried, and nobody is even attempting to try anymore. “Communist” China is the sweatshop capital of the world. That’s as Capitalist as it gets, and the farthest thing from Communism.

American conservatives will scream about how Communists want to take over America, but most American Communists are the kind of suburban mall rats who would pay $20 for a Che Guevara T-shirt printed in a Chinese sweat shop. They don’t have much of a clue what Communism is or how to implement it. The Communist spirit is dead, and anyone worried about it has had smoke blown up their butt by a fear mongering shock jocks who probably doesn’t know what Communism is either, other than a trigger word that excites conservatives.

The Socialist agenda


Socialism means shared ownership of the means of production. Co-op stores that are owned and operated by their employees are Socialist businesses. If a government takes ownership of a business, like Venezuela has done with its oil industry, that would be Socialist if Hugo Chavez paid every citizen an equal share of the profits.

Taking government control of a business and then putting the profits into the government’s coffers is Nationalizing the business, not Socializing it. If any of that money goes into politicians’ pockets, or to pay for their pet projects, then that would constitute a dictatorship.

“Socialized medicine” like Britain’s National Health System, is a misnomer. It’s Nationalized health care, not Socialized. The people don’t own the hospitals or make a profit from them. They just pay taxes for a service. Getting access to things like roads, schools or welfare, in exchange for paying taxes, isn’t Socialism.

A welfare state isn’t a Socialist state. It’s just a poorly run economy that fails to address the reason people are poor, which is that they’re underpaid by their employers. Socialism would actually fix the problems inherent in a welfare state, which is probably why rich people starting calling welfare, Socialism. This way, employees will demonize the solution to the problem their employers created.

Whenever you hear a conservative scream about the Socialist agenda to take over America and turn it into a welfare state, you’re hearing one economically illiterate fool echoing economically illiterate bullshit he heard a pro-capitalist, fear mongering shock jock say on TV. The only real Socialist agenda you’ll find in America is the Co-op movement, which can and does exist harmoniously with Capitalism.

Obama is a Muslim Socialist and illegal immigrant


If you ever believed Obama was a Muslim, Socialist or illegal immigrant, you need to stop watching whatever TV shows you’ve been watching, because you’ve been duped by a fear mongering shock jocks who will tell you whatever trigger words will get you to keep watching their show.

If Obama were a Muslim or a Socialist, he’s the worst one ever. His illegal wars have killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims and set the Muslim world back decades. His economic policies were pro-Capitalist. He even went as far as allowing the Occupy Wall Street protests to be illegally and violently shut down.

Obama’s sin is that he was a professional campaigner who worked for rich lobbyists. He’s a Capitalist’s wet dream and millionaire himself. Furthermore, Obamacare wasn’t Socialist. He didn’t give people ownership of health insurance companies. He forced the public to pay private companies for a shitty product. That’s Capitalism operating at its most predatory extreme.

The liberal agenda


Conservative Americans often complain about the “liberal agenda” to destroy America by turning it into a gay-loving, anti-Christian welfare state. If you believe this, you’ve been duped again by fear mongering shock jocks who make meaningless statements to scare viewers into watching more television.

Liberals don’t want to destroy America. It’s crazy that there are actually people who believe legions of faceless liberals are meeting up and conspiring to destroy America for no other reason than, they’re evil. Reread that last sentence, and replace “liberals” with “Jews,” and “America” with “Germany.” People who believe liberals are evil worry me, and the people who keep telling them liberals are a threat to their survival and deserve to be hated, terrify me.

The conservative agenda


The majority of American conservatives get most of their news from Fox News, which claims to be fair and balanced, but is bombastically pro-conservative, pro-Republican, pro-Capitalism and pro-American. It’s equally anti-liberal, anti-Democrat, anti-economic equality, anti-science and anti-immigrants.

Fox’s news segments contain slander, logical fallacies, misdirection, false-flag scares, emotional hype, misdirection and lies. This doesn’t happen because Fox is full of amateur journalists. Bullshit is the product Fox sells, and it has bullshit broken down to a science.

Fox news is so consistent in its agenda and dishonesty, it looks like there’ s a conspiracy among its leaders to create a civil war between conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats. It makes you wonder what’s really going on, and what’s the mastermind’s end game? The truth is easy to deduce if you look at the history of its founders Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes.

Rupert Murdoch was born in Australia in 1931. He inherited a fortune from his father and spent the 1950’s and 60’s buying up tabloid newspapers in Australia, which he consolidated under a parent company, News Corp. In the early 70’s, he bought up the major tabloids in Britain and the United States, adding them to News Corp. roster of sensationalist, fake news magazines. News Corp. was convicted of criminal charges for corruption, hacking and stealing in all three countries.

Roger Ailes was born in America in 1940. He started as a production assistant at a local news station in Ohio, where he was promoted several times, earning him the credentials to produce a daytime television talk show. In 1968, Ailes became a professional political campaign manager. He managed Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan’s presidential campaigns, and he advised George H. Bush, George W. Bush and Donald Trump.

So Fox News was founded by an international tabloid kingpin, who sells lies for a living, and the public relations manager of the Republican Party. When you put them together, you get sensationalist Republican propaganda with the journalistic integrity of a tabloid.

Basically, these two men pulled off a plan to create a television network that indoctrinates its viewers into basing their identity and beliefs on the Republican Party’s political agenda. This is corruption and treason at the highest level. It created a fake culture war that real people have died in. It’s driving the country to the brink of civil war. It orchestrated the launch of the longest war in America’s history. It’s the source of the war on science, which could destroy humanity. And it got Donald Trump elected president.

Why the hell would two men do that? Are they trying to destroy the world? No. They’re just businessmen doing what they do. Rupert Murdoch wanted to sell newspapers and TV shows, and Roger Ailes wanted to produce TV shows. By teaming up with the Republican Party, Murdoch and Ailes got loyal customers, and the Republican Party got loyal voters. They all got a lot richer, and that’s what it’s all about.
Chemtrails


Some conspiracy theorists believe the government is putting chemicals into airplanes and crop dusting the world in an attempt to kill civilians or make them stupid. There’s no evidence of it, and worrying about it wastes time you could be worrying about all the poisonous chemicals that are in practically every product you buy at your local grocery store. Even those are only part of a conspiracy to sell the cheapest product at the highest price to make the companies selling them richer.

Fluoride


Governments have been putting fluoride in drinking water for decades to help strengthen people’s teeth. While fluoride is good for your teeth, consuming it will harm your brain and make you stupid. Guards at Soviet gulags intentionally put fluoride in the water to make the prisoners less sharp and more docile.

Are American politicians putting fluoride in drinking water to make the population stupid or because they’re stupid? This is one of those conspiracy theories that is probably best solved using Hanlon’s Razor, which states, “Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to incompetence.”

You shouldn’t drink tap water anyway. Every piece of equipment involved in getting that water to your house was built by the lowest bidder. It contains toxins from a hundred different sources, due to a hundred different people’s bad decisions.

The War on Drugs isn’t about drugs. It’s a war on people.


There’s a popular rumor, especially in the African-American community, that the government introduced hard drugs into the ghetto and set high prison sentences for drug users as a way to oppress the black community.

John Ehrlichman, a former aide to Richard Nixon, confirmed this when he confessed, “We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin. And then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.”

The war on drugs has always been a war on people. If it’s a war on African Americans specifically, the perpetrators have an unlimited tolerance for collateral damage. The War on Drugs causes suffering to people of every color, and it had done as much harm to Colombia as it has to Chicago. Even if African Americans were singled out, it wasn’t because of the color of their skin. If the majority of African Americans were die-hard Republicans who supported Nixon’s agendas, he would have pandered to them instead of attacking them.

The war on drugs may have been invented by racists, but Barack Obama had 8 years to end it. He held that torch tight and passed it dutifully. The only reason he did, was because he accepted campaign donations and promises from war dogs, many of whom were children in 1971, when Nixon basically used a false flag attack to declare war on Democrats and liberals. At this point, the war on drugs is just a pork barrel project that got too fat to kill. That’s as deep as the conspiracy goes.

Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster and other local legends
Scientists discover new species every year. It’s possible we’ll find an unbelievably large stealthy creature, but until we capture one, there’s no reason to say they exist. That’s how sanity works.

The Holocaust never happened


Some conspiracy theorists believe the Holocaust never happened, and the story was invented by Jews to help justify invading Palestine and creating the modern nation of Israel. Much like faking the moon landing, it would be easier to kill 6 million people than to create a fake story which nobody involved ever leaked the truth about.

We already have cures for most diseases
Some conspiracy theorists believe the shadow government that rules the world already has the cure for AIDS, cancer and most other diseases. There’s no need to bring shadow governments into this. We know for a fact drug companies are withholding medicine, or at least over-pricing them, to force people to keep buying their product. That’s how Capitalism works.

Every business owner decides independently to do whatever it takes to sell their product to as many people as possible, as often as possible, for as much profit as possible. So, yes. There is a conspiracy to withhold medicine, but there’s no central mastermind behind it. There’s just a bunch of rich sociopaths like Martin Shkreli, who have no problem screwing the poor and sick to make a lot of money.

This concept also applies to the conspiracy theory that the government is suppressing technology that would give us unlimited energy so that we remain dependent on oil. I’m sure big oil companies have covered up new technologies. They’ve lobbied heavily against solar and wind power. The politicians they make campaign contributions to have colluded to help them keep the world dependent on their product, but that’s not unique to the fossil fuel industry. Every industry bribes politicians to give them an advantage over their competition. Politicians aren’t colluding in this because it’s all part of their master plan. It’s just that their priorities are up for public auction.

The war on Islam


America has been waging war in the Middle East for decades, and it often kills with disregard for collateral damage. This has led many Muslims to the conclusion America is at war with Islam. Muslim terrorist cults like Al-Queda and ISIS help spread this rumor to recruit gullible, poor, ignorant, disenfranchised young people.

It’s ironic that some American conservatives believe Barack Obama is a Muslim, since he’s responsible for the deaths of enough Muslims to convince the Islamic world that America is at war with their religion. Obama isn’t a Muslim, and the American military isn’t waging a holy war. America just has an industrial war complex that’s wagging the dog.

Boeing and Lockheed Martin can’t sell more weapons to the government if America’s not at war. The Middle East is the most convenient place to wage perpetual war since it’s full of weak, unlikable political leaders and radical sectarian death cults, who nobody minds getting shot. The fact that they’re Muslim is irrelevant to the weapons industry. They’d declare war on mothers and say it’s for freedom if it would convince the American government to buy more bullets.

America is an aggressive empire bent on world domination

Americans don’t think of their country as an evil empire, but there is a popular belief in many countries that America is an empire bent on world domination. As proof, they point to the fact that America toppled their government by force or by subterfuge, took their natural resources and outsourced sweatshops to their country.

Technically, America behaves like an evil empire, but what is America? Who is making all the evil decisions, and why? There is no evil genius or central committee. Remember, American politics is an auction house. America’s actions are for sale to the highest bidder. That doesn’t mean the richest person controls it. That means every rich person in the world can pay to play America like a video game. America is controlled by a bunch of monkeys paying to slap the country’s steering wheel. All these monkeys want the same thing: money.

America could do a much better job of taking over the world by military force if its government was well organized and focused. But there is no focus. The American military is a headless robot being taken on a joy ride by a line of rich guys. Those guys aren’t trying to take over the world. They just want to make the world more friendly to their profit margin. Their company is the empire they’re building. If America looks like an empire, it’s because there are a bunch of imperial companies wearing America like a glove.
Tools of the global elite

The World Trade Organization, International Monetary Fund and the World Bank are international organizations ostensibly devoted to economic prosperity. In reality, they cripple third world countries with tariffs, loans and bureaucracy. Technically, this constitutes a global conspiracy to control the world. However, there’s no evil genius at the top of the pyramid twirling his mustache. There’s just a gang of rich countries holding down poor countries, which is how the world has always worked.

Zionism


In order to understand Zionism, you need to know a little Jewish history. Thousands of years ago, the nation of Israel was conquered by Assyria, Babylonia and Rome, in that order. Each time the Jews were exiled, they picked themselves up by the bootstraps, got organized and retook their homeland.

Rome sent the Jews into exile around 70AD, and they lived in immigrant communities around the world until the 19th century, when a bunch of Jews got together and decided they were going to re-establish a Jewish state. They called the dream of returning to their homeland and reestablishing a Jewish state, Zionism.

The goal of Zionism was accomplished in 1948, when the well-organized Zionists gathered millions of dollars in donations from other Jews around the world, created an army and lobbied the world’s super powers to recognize the new Jewish government and not defend Palestine when Israel invaded the country, toppled the old government, committed ethnic cleansing on the Palestinian population and put the survivors in concentration camps.

Some anti-Semites believe that was really just the first step of Zionism, and the real goal is total world domination. That sounds sinister and unbelievable until you realize that every country wants to rule the world. However, most ordinary citizens just want to survive and take care of their family.

In every country, there are people want to build an empire, and there are those who don’t. Israel can’t even figure out a final solution to the Palestinian problem. Israel is never going to take over the world, and I’m sure most Jews know this, if they ever even thought about it at all. At this point, America is the world’s superpower, and Israel is one of America’s allies. So they got the next best thing. I believe most Jews are content with this.

The Jews run Hollywood


Many people have noticed there are a lot of Jewish names in Hollywood movie credits, which has led some to jump to the conclusion the Jews run Hollywood and are using movies to brainwash the world. There may be a lot of Jews in Hollywood, but that probably only means there’s a conspiracy among Jews to enter profitable industries, which is what everyone in the world wants. Judging by the low quality of movies coming out of Hollywood, I’d say the only conspiracy among them is to make cheap products that appeal to gullible consumers with low intellectual standards, which is what every business owner in the world wants.

Antisemitism


Some Jewish conspiracy theorists believe there’s a worldwide movement to oppress the Jews, and anyone who criticizes any Jew or the Israeli government is prejudice. The reality is, everyone is a little racist, but most people are too busy worrying about themselves to worry about other groups. Jews may be disappointed to learn how little anyone really thinks about them.

There are a lot of religions and ethnic groups around the world who have victim complexes and pull the prejudice card so often it never gets put back in the deck. Sometimes they really are being victimized, like when Nazis put Jews in concentration camps, but sometimes ethnic groups play the victim card to deflect valid criticisms.

For example, I’ve liked every Jew I’ve ever met, but I don’t like the fact that the Jewish government in Israel is putting Palestinians in concentration camps. That’s not me be being anti-Semitic. That’s me pointing out a cut-and-dry violation of the Geneva Convention and the Declaration of Human Rights. If there’s a conspiracy here, it’s not that anti-Semitism is epidemic, it’s that political spin, bullshit excuses and lack of accountability are epidemic.
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Basic training is brainwashing


At some point in your life, someone has told you basic training is brainwashing. If you’ve never read a book on brainwashing or been through basic training, you probably thought to yourself, “I guess I could see how that kind of makes sense.” Then you never really thought about it again. If you did go through basic training, and someone told you it’s brainwashing, you probably told them they’re an idiot.

Most civilians and veterans haven’t read any books on brainwashing. Since neither side knows what brainwashing is, neither can prove their case, even if they’ve been through basic training. The only way to settle this argument is to go through basic training and take a checklist of brainwashing techniques with you. Then see if you find any of the red flags and check them off the list.

If you do that, you’ll check off every single criterion. Basic training is the perfection of brainwashing. To make matters creepier, if you take a checklist of a cult and walk around a military base looking for its red flags, you’ll check off every criterion on that list as well.

Basic training is the indoctrination process of a tax payer-funded death cult. This isn’t an opinion or a theory. Basic training literally fits the definition of brainwashing, and the military’s behaviors fit the definition of a cult. This fact isn’t controversial due to lack of evidence. It’s controversial because it civilians can’t accept they’re funding a death cult that commits human right violations on their heroes, and military members can’t accept it for the same reasons Scientologists can’t admit they belong to a cult.

Global warming and the war on science


Lobbyists from the fossil fuel industry legally bribed Republican politicians to repeal environmental protection laws, because they made producing energy more expensive and thus less profitable. But those politicians couldn’t legalize pollution, because that would look evil, and they would lose voters.

The most important thing in the world to a professional campaigner is their image. So they called up the guy they pay to manage their image, Roger Ailes and told him they need their voters to oppose environmental protection laws. Ailes told his business partner, Rupert Murdoch, who owns Fox News. They used all Rupert Murdoch’s tabloid tricks to convince half of America to believe in a strawman argument about climate change so they’d support Republicans passing laws that help fossil fuel companies make more money by not having to spend it cleaning and reducing the pollution they create.

We shouldn’t even be arguing about climate change. The term was invented by employees of Murdoch and Ailes to trick people into not saying “global warming,” because “climate change” doesn’t sound deadly. But even “global warming” is a distraction from the real issue, which is pollution.

Pollution is poison. The more poison there is in the environment, the more things will die from it. The less poison there is, the fewer things will die from it. That’s true regardless of whether or not climate change is real, and there’s too much poison in our environment already.

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This Was Your Life: The Traffic Cop

This is the 31st episode in an ongoing series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased at the gate to the afterlife.

Note: The type of traffic stop the characters are talking about actually happened to my brother in Santa Fe, Texas in 2017. He paid the fine and didn’t raise a fuss.

cop comic1

 

 

See who else Loki and his friends have taunted: 


My theory on why so many women have rape fantasies

I was raised in the Bible Belt where women hid their sexuality under poker faces and bland dresses. Growing up watching Disney movies, I came to the conclusion that women were basically asexual and would only consent to sex reluctantly after thousands of hours of a man begging and bribing her. Even then, women only wanted men to make sweet, tender, passionate love to them.

In my twenties, it came as a huge shock to learn women actually have strong sex drives, and they often prefer hard, pounding, ravishing sex over vanilla love making. In my thirties, I read a stack of psychology books about female sexuality and was even more surprised to learn that between 3090 percent of women have recurring rape fantasies despite the fact that most of them feel profound guilt about it. This made me seriously question why so many women have rape fantasies.

Some feminists explain this mystery by saying we live in a rape culture, where “rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality.” I disagree with this theory, because even though we definitely live in a sex-culture, you’d have to have a victim complex as bad as the person below not to see that rape is overwhelmingly shunned by society.

5vuafwt

Psychologists have offered the explanation that rape fantasies are a way for women to imagine having sex without the shame of feeling like a slut. This explanation makes more sense. Despite how much sex we’re exposed to in the media, slut shaming is still a thing. When people are sexually repressed, they find creative ways to indulge their sexuality. However, promiscuous and prudish women both have rape fantasies, which leads me to the conclusion that rape fantasies are caused more by nature than nurture.

My theory is that rape fantasies stem from Darwinism. Having sex and marrying for love is a relatively new cultural norm. For most of human history, women have been forced into marriages through slavery and arranged marriages where they had to have sex with a man they didn’t choose. Outside of marriage, it’s fair to assume billions of children have been born from women being raped in the streets and in wars. It’s even a cliché that in the cave man days, if a man wanted a woman, he bonked her on the head with a club and raped her.

Basically, the survival of the human race up until modern times, has been achieved largely by rape. You and I don’t like the sound of that, but our DNA is amoral; it will reinforce whatever behavior ensures the survival of a species by encoding past behaviors in itself and passing them down through generations as instincts.

I’m not saying women are born victims who want to be raped any more than I believe men are born closet rapists who spend their lives struggling to hold back the overwhelming urge to abuse women, like this guy seems to think:

I’m not saying rape is natural or defensible in any way. All I’m saying is our ancestors’ fucked up experiences conditioned us to have fucked up thoughts. I’m not proud of this. I don’t want it to be true. It’s just the most logical explanation I’ve found that concisely explains why men tend to be sexually aggressive and women tend to fantasize about sexually aggressive men and prefer ravenous sex over Prince Charming sex.

We’re more than the sum of our sex drive. A strand of DNA is six feet long. It contains more instructions than the vestiges of our ancestors’ sexual experiences. Our brains are cosmic super computers capable of consciousness, awareness of others, logic, empathy, and a bagillion other positive, empowering abilities and predispositions.

We’re biological machines that are designed to survive, and let’s be honest, our rocky evolution has left us with more than a few quirky subconscious features that conflict with our higher level thinking. Everyone has thought of killing someone. Most people have even fantasized about it at length. Everyone watches movies that allow them to live vicariously through imaginary characters who spend their lives unapologetically killing, stealing, cheating and screwing. Women fantasize about rape for the same reason everyone fantasizes about stealing a million dollars. The two day dreams are functionally and morally equivalent.

In your lifetime, you’re going to think an astronomical number of thoughts. Every consecutive thought you have, builds on the previous one. As you think through every subject you know about, inevitably, you’re going to reach some thoughts that are a lot farther out there than you believed yourself capable of. Some of these thoughts will be genius, and some will be illegal.

That’s okay. You’re a sentient computer processing information. That’s what you do. The point is to think through everything enough to make the most productive decisions in your real life. As long as you have enough common sense and respect for life not to act on your wildest passing musings, there’s no reason you should limit what you think about or hate yourself for it.

If fantasizing about getting gang banged helps you get through the morning, enjoy it like a good cup of coffee. Before you feel guilty of what other people would think, trust me, everyone has masturbated to thinking about something that would shock your socks off.

Here are some other blogs I wrote about sexuality: 

Sex Positions and Techniques

Dating and Relationships

Philosophy of Sexuality


What I think about Satan

One of my readers E-mailed me recently and asked what I thought about Satan. This was my response:

“I don’t think much about Satan, but I did write a comic about Satanism, which says a lot about how I feel about Satan:

This Was Your Life: The Satanist

The Bible is full of enigmas like Satan that theologians could study and argue about for centuries, but in the end, since the Bible is mythology, devoting one’s time to studying and talking about Satan is tantamount to obsessing over Hades in Greek mythology. You might be able to gleam some moral truths out of the stories, but psychology and logic are far better tools for measuring morality.

My Secular Theory on Ethics

Another Attempt at Explaining my Theory on Ethics

Since you asked though, I will say that I always found the idea of Satan illogical. I know the Bible says the wisdom of man is foolishness and God is unknowable, and I used to believe those “truths.” But even then, the idea of Satan seemed suspicious. An all powerful God wouldn’t choose or need to create an all-evil creature and give it leeway to mislead God’s most precious creation into needless eternal torture.

Some people say Satan and Hell are just the lack of God, but the Bible seems to indicate Satan was a specific individual who God sent to live in exile, which sounds a lot like a story you’d read in Greek mythology.

It’s possible the word “Satan” just means “bad guy,” similar to how the virgin Mary may have just been a young woman, and we’ve been taking these mis-translations too seriously. Frankly, at the end of the day, the Bible is about as clear about what Satan is, as it is on what the Holy Trinity is. There’s just not enough information to make sense out of either of them. You can come up with a lot of good sounding theories, but ultimately, they’re all just conspiracy theories you either heard or made up.

I identify as an agnostic theist. So not only do I concede the possibility of something existing in the universe that fits some definition of God, I’m also pretty impressed by the evidence, which I explain in this blog:

An Agnostic Take on Intelligent Design

When I look at the stars or diagrams of atoms, I see a grand design so elegant, it has a one-in-infinity chance of existing on accident. Scientific laws look like God’s thumb print to me, and the universe we live in provides for us, but it doesn’t play favorites or hold grudges. The universe is an impartial and perfect machine. If God’s creation is any reflection of God’s nature, God wouldn’t choose or need to create anything resembling Satan.

The only person who would invent Satan, or at least the idea of Satan, is a human being who wants to design a theocracy that controls its civilian population by indoctrinating them into believing a mentally and physically abusive mythological state-religion. In other words, the most logical explanation of Satan is that he’s a boogeyman invented to scare children into ostensibly obeying God, but in practice, they’re obeying the leaders of the theocracy.

The Jewish leaders who wrote the Torah would be amazed to see how their state-sponsored boogeyman spread around the world via knock-off versions of their mythology and then diffused into other cultures, creating new hybrid mythologies. I wonder if they’d do it again, knowing how their cult would spread and come back to haunt the nation of Israel.

Ironically, the lesson to be learned from their mistake is that actions have consequences in this life. If that much is true, it sets a precedent that actions could have consequences after death. I fear I may have to pay the piper for some of the things I’ve done, but again, I see nothing in the universe that makes me believe its creator would needlessly torture any of its creations for eternity, let alone appoint one of his exiled rivals as the ruler of Pain Land.

Even if I had done something as morally reprehensible as writing a viral mythology to brainwash people into following and obeying me, I’m confident the universe is reasonable. It’ll more likely give me what I need, than take out its anger on me.

In summary, there is no Satan. If there is a God, it’s not Yahweh, and we’re in the best position we can be to hope for the best.”

If you liked this post, you may like these: 

The Bible is mythology

Christianity is bad for you and society

Churches and Christian Culture


Tweets by The Wise Sloth: Feb 2017-April 2017

  • My entire life I haven’t been waiting to see what problem my president solves next, I’ve been waiting to see what problem he creates next.
  • Watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles growing up, it always confused me that the smartest member of the team wasn’t the leader.
  • Bruce Wayne should have hired 10,000 mercenaries and a wise council to fight evil instead of spending millions on a one-man vigilante fetish
  • “Teaching kids that the Earth is 6k years old is like teaching them that the distance across the United States is 17 feet.” Lawrence Krauss (paraphrased)
  • The more you tell yourself the world is on your shoulders, the more it will feel like it.
  • It might save the world if everyone criticizes three things about their group every time they criticize one thing about another group.
  • If your plan to fight poverty involves making the rich, richer, you don’t understand economics.
  • Moderate Americans and Muslims should strategize to redouble their efforts to educate their extreme members instead of passively enabling them
  • It baffles me how people absorb news and wisdom from around the world on phones, then use the same apps to say technology is tearing us apart.
  • You can tell the size of someone’s weed habit by the size of their grinder.

  • Just once I’d like to hear an American president tell all Americans to not act like victims and throw tantrums when their flaws are exposed.
  • The road to bankruptcy and debt is paved with “opportunities of a lifetime.”
  • America’s education system is so broken, it would be better to go 100% digital and close all brick and mortar schools.
  • The more rules you have to follow that stress you out, the more likely your soldiers and/or politicians must be failing at their job.
  • The more often and intensely you’re afraid of accidentally or unintentionally breaking the law, the more likely you live in a police state.
  • It baffles me that in 2017 there are still people who believe politicians care about what people who haven’t given them money think.
  • If you believe your bank cares about you, you’re wildly mistaken. Their job isn’t to help you get money. Their job is to take your money.
  • We need yard work appreciation day, where he who does all the yard work relaxes while his family experiences his pain for one day each year.
  • Most self-help, motivation and leadership books either teach how to be a more enthusiastic slave or slaver.
  • I want an app that calculates the shortest path and with the least amount of turns to mow your lawn.
  • “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. It’s your convictions that make you vulnerable to lies.”
  • “If the same kind of thing keeps happening to you over and over, it’s probably not other people or random chance.”

  • I love how freedom of religion prevents oppression but hate how much it’s used to justify oppressing those who want to be free from religion
  • I bet most people in North Korea don’t put any stock in the book, “The Secret.”
  • “The most dangerous lie is the one closest to the truth.”
  • If the Easter Bunny were a unicorn, we wouldn’t celebrate Easter, because it would force us to confront the fact that we celebrate mythology
  • You’d think humans would have learned by now, when a politician asks for more power, it’s for their benefit, at your expense.
  • Either all your exes are jerks or nobody wants to stay with a spoiled brat who throws hate-tantrums every time you don’t get what you want.
  • Radical SJWs and feminists need to embrace Abraham Lincoln’s words, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
  • Americans need licenses to do anything but go to church. As long as that line isn’t crossed, we accept having to apply/pay for our freedoms.
  • I wish Americans were as concerned with the freedom to buy medicine without a prescription as they are about freedom of religion.
  • It would solve so many problems later in life if schools taught children how to take a hint.
  • “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.”David Brinkley
  • “People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” Unknown
  • The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them.” Jim Henson
  • The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work.” Harry Golden
  • Just once I’d like to hear America’s celebrity doctors say America’s health care system could be fixed by doctors boycotting insurance.

  • You cross a line and do something to your soul when you wear sweat pants to a strip club.
  • You can’t pretend you’re not old anymore after you start meeting kids who are too young to remember the things that defined your childhood.
  • The more you find yourself telling people to give your hero a second chance, the more likely you should give your hero a second look.
  • The more passionately you support any American politician, the more you should doubt your objectivity and double check you’re not wrong.
  • Americans have proven they can’t protest without rioting. It’s about time they try something different.
  • There tends to be an inverse correlation between the amount of time you spend complaining and the amount of time you spend doing something.
  • Just because someone says something you disagree with, that doesn’t mean they’re against you. They may just be for facts, and you’re wrong.
  • “The real problem of humanity … we have Palaeolithic emotions; medieval institutions; and godlike technology.”
  • I wish humanity was as passionate about devoting resources to emigrating off Earth as we are stopping people from immigrating around Earth.
  • “We will not believe more than we know, and we will not live higher than our beliefs.”
  • When Christians say they don’t know or believe the Bible unambiguously approves of slavery, I assume they’re totally Biblically illiterate.
  • It’s baffling how many parents give their children religious books they’ve never read as their primary instruction book on life.
  • It’s baffling how few parents have written instruction books for life to give to their children.
  • Every time you watch a TV commercial, you get dumber.
  • If you still trust American news stations after the 2016 POTUS election, your standards of journalistic ethics are catastrophically low.
  • Wisdom is too important to wait for it to fall into your lap. Not constantly seeking/collecting it is how you stay an idiot your whole life.
  • If you can’t make yourself happy, you will inevitably make your lover miserable.
  • There are two types of rules: 1. Time-tested best practices for accomplishing a goal 2. Bullshit someone made up to control others

  • The longer you complain about being a victim, but have no plan to fix anything, the more likely you just have a delusional victim complex.
  • Give Trump a chance, they said. Every chance he’s had, he proved his worst critics right. How many more chances does he get?
  • America would be a very different place if Trump’s supporters were as critical of him as they were of Obama.
  • Trump bombed Syria for using WMDs. Then he uses a MOAB in Afghanistan, which has never been used because it fits the criteria of a WMD.
  • The quickest way to piss off someone in a cult is to tell them they’re in a cult.
  • Schools should have classes that teach you how/why not to throw tantrums when you don’t get what you want.
  • The easiest way to distract Americans is to make a controversial, heart-wrenching human interest story go viral.
  • A guy getting kicked off an overbooked flight is not the most important thing happening today and not what everyone should be talking about.
  • Aliens would be baffled by how much comedy humans watch on TV while our world is dying from wars, corruption, atrocities, oppression and waste

  • Proving to people you’re right all the time is more likely a symptom of your insecurity and shortsightedness than strength and genius.
  • Politicians and soldiers should be as concerned about protecting us from insurance companies as they are about protecting us from terrorists
  • If politicians could be dishonorably discharged for negligence, bad conduct and crime, all of America’s congress would qualify for one.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician advocate setting limits to how many laws a politician can break before being dishonorably discharged
  • “The price of originality is criticism. The value of originality is priceless.”
  • American culture teaches children to question how things have always been done almost as much as it teaches them traditions are sacrosanct.
  • Just once I’d like to hear a politician talk about the need for grocery store reform because the system we got is creating obesity and poverty
  • Masculinity is toxic, said no feminist to their mechanics, plumbers, or soldiers ever.
  • Congressmen/women, who are picked by voters in single states, get to decide laws that affect every other state. Totally defeats the purpose.
  • At least once in my life, I’d like to hear a politician say voters should have the ability to veto politicians out of office by popular vote.
  • The reason cheerleaders exist is to cover up the fact that sports are boring.
  • If massage therapists have to do continuing education to keep their job, so should Congress.
  • My high school history teacher once told my class America was founded by criminals, slaves and religious freaks. It seems nothing has changed.
  • Growing experiences tend to come with growing pains. Accept it. Embrace it. Get on with it.

  • When a woman complains to you about a problem, don’t offer solutions and rationalizations. Just actively listen. All you have to do is wait.
  • Writers have two choices: 1. Write about the most important topics they can. 2. Write things that distract people from more important topics
  • The angrier the poor get at the rich, the more the media tells them to be angry at another group of people.
  • If you believe there’s a liberal conspiracy to destroy America, the problem is you believe anything any fear-peddling shock jock sells you.
  • Knowledge is knowing the right answers. Wisdom is asking the right questions.
  • Rod Serling’s monologs in “The Twilight Zone” tend to make as much sense as The Ultimate Warrior’s monologs in the WWF.

  • Your job is more of an opportunity for your employer than for you.
  • Women, you can’t make your boyfriend or husband better by bitching at him. You can only do that by loving, supporting and building him up.
  • Anyone pissed about white privilege would have their jealousy cured by spending a week living with me in my trailer by the train tracks.
  • The more times you’ve justified beating someone smaller than you, the more likely you’re a god damn ass hole.
  • The more attention you pay to sports, the less important things you learn or act on.
  • Neither God or our ancestors would be proud of how our economy is designed to fuck people harder, the poorer they are.
  • No matter where you live, if you’re proud of being in the majority, you’re probably proud of being a gullible, surface-thinking idiot.
  • If there are an infinite number of universes, then there’s a universe out there somewhere where each of us have had sex with Bill Nye.
  • Some people are confident in social situations because they practice success. Other people are confident because they just don’t give a fuck
  • If you’re hyperactive and can’t stay still, and you don’t have a hobby, you’re leaving money and meaning on the table.
  • If Putin helped Trump win the election, it was probably more to help America fail than to help Trump succeed.
  • I wish the Republican Party would stop putting on pretenses and just change their name to the Fox News Party.
  • When someone asks for forgiveness for something they’re not really sorry for, they’re really asking for permission.
  • Trump could improve his approval rating quicker and easier by solving a few simple real problems than by grandstanding and sideshowing.

 

  • Today’s excuses become tomorrow’s regrets.
  • How do you create 1 rich person? By creating 10 poor people.
  • I wonder how many homes and gardens could have been built with the money America has spent spying on its citizens.
  • As long as there are for-profit prisons, ticket quotas and a war on drugs, there are no good cops, only accomplices to crime at best.
  • If you contradict everything I say, I’m going to give up trying to talk to you.
  • Despite what their advertisements and website say, anyone who would charge you 30% interest is not your friend.
  • If we protect people from hunger as zealously as we protect them from having their feelings hurt, we’d all love life and probably each other.
  • Elton John’s music would have been more interesting if he was goth.
  • We promote and incentivize women getting in STEM fields for equality, but where’s the push for gender equality in all the most deadly jobs?
  • Luckily, in America, the First Amendment allows you to speak freely about all your other rights the RNC and DNC are constantly taking away.
  • Every month hundreds of millions of Americans celebrate their freedom by living paycheck to paycheck.
  • Life according to conservativism: Blindly defending Democrats = sheep. Blindly defending Republicans = patriot. Not defending either = slacker
  • Just once I wish someone watching reality TV would drop their head in their hands and mumble, “Fuck. I’m what’s wrong with this world.”

  • Every year Americans celebrate their freedom by paying hundreds of dollars to renew their professional licenses that arbitrarily expired.
  • It’s ironic when Muslims say Islam is a religion of peace, since Muslim extremists have killed more Muslims than non-Muslims by magnitudes.
  • The dumber the individual, the dumber the whole. We all have a personal and civic responsibility to not be stupid.
  • The more emotional a news host is, the more likely they’re a shock jock.
  • American presidents are as synonymous with dishonesty as American military recruiters are.
  • Whatever your favorite radio DJ personalities are most excited about, you should not be.
  • For some reason, people hate it when you wear black shoes with a brown belt or visa/versa. It doesn’t make any sense, but be prepared for it
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more male you are, the better life is.”
  • The statement, “The more money you have, the better life is,” is more true than the statement, “The more white you are, the better life is.”
  • The angrier and more frightened watching the news makes you, the less likely you’re watching real journalistic new reporting.
  • If your plan to make the world better is to kill, incarcerate or deport all the bad guys, you’re probably one of the bad guys.

 


This Was Your Life: Two Social Justice Warriors

This is the 30th episode in an ongoing series in which Loki and his supernatural friends taunt the recently deceased at the gate to the afterlife.  

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See who else Loki and his friends have taunted:


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