(Comic) How Equality Works

(Comic) How Equality Works

 

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of Congress talking to an elephant and a donkey.
MAN
Hey, guys, I have a question about political philosophy I was hoping you could help me with.
ELEPHANT
We might be able to help you.
DONKEY
Just don’t ask us any questions about history.
MAN
The declaration of independence says all men are created equal. What does that mean?
ELEPHANT
It means everyone is entitled to the same freedoms and rights.
DONKEY
…at birth.
MAN
Can anyone ever have a different amount of freedoms and rights?
ELEPHANT
Well, I mean you have to allow for a few exceptions…for the greater good.
MAN
So who and what are the exceptions to the rule that all people should be equal in the eyes of the
law?

ELEPHANT
Obviously, politicians have to have some immunity from the law.
DONKEY
…so we can do our jobs representing the public will that is.
MAN
Give me an example.
ELEPHANT
We can profit off of insider trading.
MAN
Who else is held to a different standard of accountability than the average taxpayer/voter?
ELEPHANT
We decided diplomats visiting the country are exempt from half the rules that apply to the
citizens living here.
MAN
How is that legal?
DONKEY
Nobody asked you that are how.
MAN
Do all foreigners have more rights in this country than those born here?
ELEPHANT
Ha ha ha. No. That would be insulting!
DONKEY
Only foreign politicians have more freedom in your country than you.

ELEPHANT
We pretty much don’t acknowledge that anybody else is human.
MAN
How so?
DONKEY
We gave ourselves the right to lock up pretty much any foreigner in secret prisons and torture
them indefinitely.
MAN
Doesn’t our military overthrow governments that do that sort of thing?
ELEPHANT
…if our government has something to gain from it, sure.
MAN
I thought the troops fought for freedom and equality. How is that possible when the government
they’re backing doesn’t support freedom and equality itself?
ELEPHANT
Because the troops are literally slaves themselves.
DONKEY
Yeah, calling them second-class citizens is an understatement.
MAN
That’s 1% of the population! How can you take that many people’s rights away? How is that
legal?
ELEPHANT
It’s totally legit. The uniform code of military justice allows us to legally strip human beings of
the rights and freedoms guaranteed to them in the constitution and the universal declaration of
human rights.

MAN
Who wrote the uniform code of military justice?
ELEPHANT AND DONKEY
We did.
MAN
I’m confused how you can just give yourself the right to void other people’s rights.
ELEPHANT
Well, the troops signed a contract waiving their rights.
MAN
Why would someone sign away their rights?
ELEPHANT
Well, we didn’t really stress that that was part of the deal when we got them to sign.
MAN
What did you stress?
DONKEY
That signing would make them a hero. We even gave some of them a few thousand dollars as an
extra incentive.
MAN
So that’s how much human rights are worth in this country? A few thousand dollars?
DONKEY
That and free medical care.

MAN
That’s very generous of you to give the troops socialized medical care, especially considering
you’ve created such a stigma against the taxpayers funding their own socialized medical care.
ELEPHANT
Slaves are expensive. We don’t want them falling apart.
MAN
About that. If you can sign your rights away for a paycheck. then they’re not really rights, are
they? And if people can have different levels of freedom then we’re not really all equal are we?
ELEPHANT
But it has to be this way to protect and maintain freedom and equality.
MAN
You’re saying the leaders have to be exempt from the law, and they have to control an army of
slaves drawn from the civilian population in order to ensure the freedom and equality of the
civilian population…at least the ones you haven’t sent to your massive networks of for-profit
prisons.
ELEPHANT
You get an “A-plus” in political philosophy.
MAN
Have we ever tried actually giving everyone equal rights and freedoms unconditionally?
ELEPHANT
Many Native American tribes lived that way.
DONKEY
…before we ordered our army of slaves to kill them in the name of patriotism.
MAN
Would it be unpatriotic to ask for everyone to be given equal rights and freedoms now?

ELEPHANT
So you’re saying you don’t agree with the current government?
MAN
…yes?
ELEPHANT
That makes you an enemy combatant in the war on terror. You just exempted yourself from what
few rights you had been enjoying at our leisure.
MAN
The people won’t stand for this!
DONKEY
Ha ha ha. Tell that to Bradley Manning when you see him.

THE END

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