(Comic) How The Officer Corps Works

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TRANSCRIPT

An enlisted soldier is carrying a lot of military equipment and wearing a helmet that is
too large is talking to a military officer who is wearing sunglasses and standing under an
umbrella. Behind them is a barbed wire fence.
SOLDIER
Hey, how’s it going, buddy?
OFFICER
Oh hell No! I am an officer! You will render me a salute and address me as, sir!
SOLDIER
Why would I do all that?
OFFICER
Out of respect for how awesome I am.
SOLDIER
My parents taught me that respect has to be earned, and I don’t know you. For all I know, you
could be a complete scum bag.
OFFICER
The mere fact that I earned the rank of officer proves how glorious I am.
SOLDIER
So what did you do to become an officer?
OFFICER
I partied my way through college on my parent’s savings and then went to a few months of
officer training school.
SOLDIER
That’s cool. I worked my way through college and got promoted to manager. I was also senior
class president and went to leadership camp 4 summers in a row. So maybe you should salute me
and call me sir.
OFFICER
Nope. You didn’t go to those few months of officer school. So no matter what you do you’ll
always be a lower form of life than me. Anyway, you’re lacking the experience of being an
officer.
SOLDIER
What’s your job again?
OFFICER
I sit at a desk and do paperwork all day.
SOLDIER
Hmmm. I’m a network administrator. I build computer networks. I also train and manage a group
of 10 workers responsible for millions of dollars of equipment, and we don’t know the meaning
of the word, “excuses.” come to think of it, I remember your name from our trouble tickets. You
have no idea how to use a computer.
OFFICER
I’m paid to lead, not fix technical problems.
SOLDIER
What’s your degree in again?
OFFICER
Engineering.
SOLDIER
Wouldn’t a degree in psychology or communication or even business serve you better as a leader?
I mean, engineers have like the worst reputation for having bad social skills.
OFFICER
Never question my authority again.
SOLDIER
What if you’re wrong about something? Can I question you then?
OFFICER
That would be disrespectful. You can only question me if I let you and only if you do it like
you’re tiptoeing on eggshells.
SOLDIER
I was raised in the Bronx, and I don’t have much respect for people with thin skin. What happens
if I don’t salute you or address you like you’re my daddy?
OFFICER
Then I’ll give you progressively worse punishments until you salute me or I send you to jail for
failure to obey a direct order, and when you get out you’ll get a dishonorable discharge that will
prevent you from getting meaningful employment for the rest of your life!
SOLDIER
That dishonorable discharge part is pretty rough. That’s kind of like a more politically correct
way of shooting someone in the head.
OFFICER
AND don’t you forget that that’ll always be hanging over your head as long as you wear that
uniform.
SOLDIER
So basically, if I don’t salute you then you’re going to shoot me in the head.
OFFICER
Basically.
SOLDIER
So I’m not really saluting you out of respect at all. I’m saluting you out of fear.
OFFICER
Only if need be.
SOLDIER
So that’s the philosophy on leadership you learned at that glorious training school you went to?
You learned you’re better than everyone else, you don’t have to listen to anyone, and if your
subordinates don’t massage your ego then you’re morally obligated to shoot them in the head?
OFFICER
Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that, but point in fact…yes.
SOLDIER
You’re not a leader. You’re a dictator.
OFFICER
You just got yourself a dishonorable discharge.
SOLDIER
What for?
OFFICER
Failure to conform and disrespecting one of your superiors. You’re undisciplined.
SOLDIER
So thinking for you constitutes a lack of discipline?
OFFICER
Obviously. How can you not see that?
SOLDIER
Wow. You no longer live in reality. Well, I just have one more question before you destroy my
life for not subjugating me to you.
OFFICER
Ask away. I have a few more minutes before its happy hour at the officer’s club.
SOLDIER
What do you think of the phrase, “All men were created equal?”
OFFICER
Sounds like a bunch of liberal hippie bullshit. That’s not what I joined the military to defend.

THE END