October 22, 2017

(Comic) How The War On Drugs Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How The War On Drugs Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A woman is standing in front of a judge in a courtroom.
JUDGE
Order in the Court! This case is now in session. Will the defendant please state her name?
DR. JUSTICE
My name is Dr. Michele Justice.
JUDGE
You’ve been charged with growing ten marijuana plants in your house. Tell the court how you
plead before the prosecution states their case.
DR. JUSTICE
Before we go on, tell me who this “prosecution” person is.
JUDGE
That’s the person whose job it is to make sure you go to jail for as long as possible and pay as
much money in fines as possible.
DR. JUSTICE
I’d like to call a mistrial. There’s no reason or justice in having someone here whose sole job it is
to ruin my life.
JUDGE
Don’t worry. We’ll lend you a person whose sole job it is to fight the prosecution and defend you
even if you’re guilty.
DR. JUSTICE
What if my representative is an idiot with no experience and the prosecutor is a sociopathic
genius with decades of experience?
JUDGE
Then you’ll be going to prison for a long, long time, and after you get out you won’t be able to
get a decent job for the rest of your life because of your criminal record.
DR. JUSTICE
This is absurd. I demand better protection from this villain.
JUDGE
Don’t worry. Twelve of our peers will listen to both sides of the case and vote democratically on
your fate.
DR. JUSTICE
Isn’t it a conflict of interest to have my peers judge me?
JUDGE
By “peers” I meant, “total strangers.”
DR. JUSTICE
Are they experts in the law?
JUDGE
No, not at all. A lot of them aren’t experts in anything. They’re pretty much failures in life.
DR. JUSTICE
What are the chances they’ll be sympathetic to my case?
JUDGE
Not good, because the prosecutor will get to screen them and remove any he doesn’t think he can
manipulate into voting to send you to jail and ruin your life.
DR. JUSTICE
So you’re going to put my fate in the hands of a group of people who have been stacked against
me, have no legal training and don’t want to be here? Then on top of that you’re going to let a
highly skilled, manipulative sociopath twist their perception of me?
JUDGE
When you put it like that it really does sound bad, but I can assure you it’s a great system.
DR. JUSTICE
Has anyone innocent ever been found guilty? Or has anyone guilty ever been found innocent?
JUDGE
Both literally happen every single day.
DR. JUSTICE
I’ll tell you what, why don’t you let three impartial detectives investigate my case, and I’ll let
them have the final say on my verdict.
JUDGE
You don’t have that option.
DR. JUSTICE
What options do I have?
JUDGE
None.
DR. JUSTICE
So how do I get options?
JUDGE
First, you go to prison, and if you survive then you spend the rest of your life learning the legal
system and spend your life savings appealing your case until it goes to the Supreme Court, but
the legal system will try to stop you every step of the way.
DR. JUSTICE
Is it the Supreme Court’s responsibility to objectively stand up for human rights and challenge
the system when it fails to serve the interests of the people?
JUDGE
For every case where that happened, I can point to three where it didn’t.
DR. JUSTICE
What about you? I’m talking to you right now. Can’t you help me?
JUDGE
I don’t have the authority.
DR. JUSTICE
But you have the authority to destroy my life and by proxy the lives of my family?
JUDGE
That’s correct.
DR. JUSTICE
How is that justice?
JUDGE
That’s how it’s always been done. So it must be right. Now, you were caught with ten marijuana
plants. How do you plead?
DR. JUSTICE
Before I answer that, why is it a problem that I had ten marijuana plants?
JUDGE
Because it’s against the law.
DR. JUSTICE
But why is it against the law?
JUDGE
Because it’s bad for you.
DR. JUSTICE
I’ve got 30 tobacco plants growing in my backyard. Why don’t you arrest me for that?
JUDGE
Because it’s not illegal.
DR. JUSTICE
Why not? Millions of people die every year from tobacco, and nobody has ever died from
marijuana. In fact, marijuana has medicinal properties.
JUDGE
Can you prove that marijuana is medicinal?
DR. JUSTICE
Until you prove that tobacco is medicinal I don’t see why I need to.
JUDGE
Well, marijuana will also get you high, and anything that makes you feel euphoric has to be
illegal.
DR. JUSTICE
Cigarettes and alcohol get you high too.
JUDGE
Alcohol was legalized because prohibition led to an unprecedented rise in organized crime, and
the majority of Americans wanted it legalized.
DR. JUSTICE
Everything you just said is true about marijuana, and there are tons of academic papers written
about it.
JUDGE
Too bad this is neither the time nor the place to have this discussion.
DR. JUSTICE
I’m about to be sent to prison…by you. This is exactly the time and place to have this
conversation. In fact, I’d say this conversation is long overdue.
JUDGE
I’m sorry, but you can’t question the law in a court of law.
DR. JUSTICE
Can I at least pick my punishment? I’d rather get whipped than go to jail.
JUDGE
We can’t whip you. That would be cruel and unusual punishment.
DR. JUSTICE
Will I suffer any inhumane treatment in prison?
JUDGE
You’ll almost certainly be beaten, stabbed and raped. You’ll live in constant fear. You’ll barely
get enough nutrition to survive, and you’ll get as little medical care as possible. And you’ll be
coerced into working in a sweatshop.
DR. JUSTICE
Is there any way I can improve my odds of surviving in prison?
JUDGE
Since you’re white your best bet is to join the Arian Brotherhood.
DR. JUSTICE
So your solution to crime is to force criminals to join organized crime rings?
DR. JUSTICE
Uhhhh.
JUDGE
How much would it cost to send me to prison anyway?
DR. JUSTICE
About twenty-four thousand dollars a year.
DR. JUSTICE
I’m a doctor. I’d pay that much in taxes if I were able to go back to work.
JUDGE
Well, that’s all the more reason why you shouldn’t have broken the law. You’re costing the taxpayers
twice.
DR. JUSTICE
No.You’re costing the taxpayers twice by sending me to prison for no reason.
DR. JUSTICE
There is a reason. Marijuana users have to be arrested to keep society safe.
JUDGE
Smoking marijuana is a victimless crime. Absolutely no one gets hurt by it. Even if it were as
dangerous as alcohol or cigarettes, it still wouldn’t be as dangerous as prison. Sending people to
jail for marijuana possession is like shooting them in the head to stop them from shooting
themselves in the foot. Wouldn’t people’s taxes be better spent enforcing victim-full crimes and
rehabilitating violent criminals?
DR. JUSTICE
Honestly, as long as I get a paycheck every month I don’t really care.
DR. JUSTICE
Doesn’t it bother you at all that this system is designed to set people up to fail, not to facilitate
justice?
JUDGE
People who can afford a high-priced lawyer aren’t set up to fail. Neither are politicians.
DR. JUSTICE
That’s completely and utterly unfair. That’s not justice.
JUDGE
Not my job to care.
DR. JUSTICE
Reason is dead here. Well, why don’t we just skip this charade and send me to your for-profit
human kennel you call a prison.
JUDGE
Fantastic. Send in the next victim in the war on people.

THE END

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