(Comic) How Universities Work

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A college student is standing in a classroom speaking to a professor.

Kid: Hey, bro. Can I ask you something?

Professor: First, let’s get one thing straight. I’m a professor with a doctorate degree. So you will preface my name with the word, “doctor.”

Kid: Sorry. It’s against my religion to address other people with a higher title than me.

Professor: What!? That’s not in any religion! Which religion do you think said that?

Kid: Reason. My religion is reason.

Professor: Silly boy, that’s not legally recognized as a religion.

Kid:…only because it’s based on reality.

Professor: I don’t have time to argue with a child about how you expect the world to operate. Just address me with a higher title than you, and let’s move on.

Kid: No. Not until you give me a reason why.

Professor: I didn’t go to eight years of school for nothing!

Kid: Yeah, you went to eight years of school for an education and a higher paycheck.

Professor: …and to deserve to be called doctor by people foolish enough to be born after me or poorer than me.

Kid: Will I get to be addressed with a higher title just for doing whatever benefits me for eight years?

Professor: No. It only counts if you do exactly what I did.

Kid: Don’t get me wrong. That’s cool that you went to school for so long, but I still don’t see how that obligates me to subjugate myself to you.

Professor: Oh, children are so naïve it makes my head hurt! Look, I went to school for eight years. How do you not understand that?

Kid: So who else gets to demand that other people stroke their ego by addressing them a higher title?

Professor: Military officers, politicians, clergy, and bosses in general.

Kid: So basically, anyone who controls other people deserves to be addressed with a higher title, and anyone who is controlled deserves to subjugate themselves?

Professor: Now you’re talking like a mature adult! Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about?

Kid: Well, doctor, I just wanted to know if I passed my last assignment.

Professor: Yes, you passed, but you got a C, and I know you can do better. So I just have to ask, are you on drugs?

Kid: No. It’s just that I didn’t care about the assignment. So I didn’t bother wasting too much of my precious life on it.

Professor: You have a piss poor attitude, son.

Kid: I’m not your son, and I don’t understand how I have a piss poor attitude.

Professor: It takes so much hard work to get a college degree because a college degree is a badge of maturity that proves how much hard work you’re capable of doing.

Kid: Dude, this class has nothing to do with my career path. Why does it make me a failure if I don’t do well at something I don’t want to do and will never do again?

Professor: I’m a doctor, not a dude, and it seems like the real question is why you’re wasting my time if you don’t even want to be in this class?

Kid: Your school made me take this class for no other reason that I can see other than to charge me more money!

Professor: You kids are so naïve. Colleges don’t make students take superfluous classes just to make money. We’re not here to make money. We’re here to educate young minds.

Kid: So I suppose texts books don’t cost $130 just because you can get away with charging that much.

Professor: Well, point in fact, textbook prices are a racket. Everybody knows that, but nobody will do anything about it.

Kid: Everybody also knows that the higher cost of tuition rises the higher the glass ceiling rises for the poor.

Professor: What liberal, biased news anchor did you learn that “fact” from?

Kid: …all of my social science classes. Look, if you’re going to force me to become a debt slave for the rest of my life to get a college education, can you at least make the classes relevant and useful?

Professor: But every class is relevant and useful! If you took it at college then it must be!

Kid: I learned in Logic 101 that that’s a circular argument. Qualify your statement.

Professor: Every class you take was made by a person with a doctorate degree who is smarter than you. So if you don’t understand its value then the reason why must be because you’re not smart enough to understand.

Kid: “Appeal to authority” is another form of logical fallacy. I’m going to need you to try harder.

Professor: Look, all of the work you’re doing in college is preparing you to succeed in business in ways you’ll only be able to understand after you enter the workforce.

Kid: So after I start working at another job other than all the ones I’ve already had I’ll understand the profound value of writing essays nobody (even you) wants to read, cramming references int said essays and giving PowerPoint presentations to people who don’t care about topics that I’ve just been introduced to while my teacher zones off in the corner?

Professor: Yes, you see, for the rest of your life you’re going to work for totalitarian dictators who need you to perform personally unrewarding tasks to make your bosses rich. And they’ll need you to delegate more loathsome tasks to people younger and poorer than you. So it’s essential that you learn to put up with bullshit now.

Kid: So you’re training me to be a good house nigger?

Professor: That word is insensitive. Use the term, “house slave” instead.

Kid: I thought you were supposed to teach young people to think.

Professor: No, but that sure sounds good on paper, doesn’t it?

Kid: So what did you teach me logic for?

Professor: I was just joking. There’s no big conspiracy. This school’s faculty is just woefully incompetent because they all went to schools that prioritized profit over education.

Kid: That’s it. I’m filing a student complaint.

Professor: HHAAAHAAHA HAHAAHHAHA HA HAHA

The End

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