Tag Archives: money comic

(Comic) How The Housing Market Works

(Comic) How The Housing Market Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

Every scene in the comic uses the same picture of a young, scrawny white hipster and a well-dressed businessman standing across from each other in a bland office. There’s nothing on the walls, and the only piece of furniture is a bland, wooden desk between them.

Man: How can I help you?

Hipster: I just turned 18, and my parents kicked me out of my home that I’ve lived my entire sheltered life in.

Man: So you need to rent an apartment then?

Hipster: I’d rather buy than rent. I’ve been saving all the money I made working at my high school job. You can run my credit check.

Man: That won’t be necessary. I can tell you right now that you can’t afford to buy property. Your only two choices in life are renting and dying homeless in the streets.

Hipster: Those are my only choices in life?

Man: Well, no. You could go to jail or join the military. Both are very popular choices for people like you.

Hipster: I guess I’ll rent. How much does that cost?

Man: It costs as much as possible.

Hipster: I can only afford $100 per month. What can I get for that?

Man: You can’t rent a parking spot in the city for $100 per month.

Hipster: So how do I survive?

Man: Not that anyone cares, but you could rent a room from someone who can’t afford their mortgage and has been forced to sublet.

Hipster: That sounds confusing. Which government office handles that?

Man: It doesn’t really work that way. You just have to look in the classifieds.

Hipster: What if I’m not good at this?

Man: Then you deserve to die in the streets.

Hipster: Well, I’d rather have my own place anyway so I can live by my own rules and establish my own space in the world. I don’t want to live with psychotic strangers. Isn’t there some kind of low cost government-owned young professionals dorms I can live in? I don’t need a space bigger or fancier than a prison cell.

Man: You mean like projects for white people? No, that doesn’t exist, and even if it did I’d sponsor a politician’s career and get him to privatize it.

Hipster: Why would a politician privatize a social service?

Man: Because he owes his career to me. Of course, he’ll tell the voters who think he represents them that I’ll be able to provide a better product at a cheaper price.

Hipster: Will you?

Man: Of course not! There’d be no point. I’d charge the highest price possible for the cheapest product.

Hipster: Why?

Man: Obviously, so I can keep as much money as possible for myself personally.

Hipster: Huh. I guess it’s a good thing the government doesn’t offer affordable housing to young professionals.

Man: Come to think of it, maybe I should get my representatives to have taxpayers build those so they could privatize them and then sell them to me for pennies on the dollar….hmmmm.

Hipster: At least if you ran a slumy privatized young professionals dormitory then I’d be guaranteed to have a place to live.

Man: No, you’d still be in the same position you are today because I can’t get exorbitantly rich without charging exorbitant rent.

Hipster: But you won’t get any of my money if I can’t afford rent.

Man: But I’ll get more from the people who can pay. So the cost/benefit analysis adds up.

Hipster: I’ll just rent from someone else.

Man: Everyone charges as much as possible.

Hipster: What the hell? Is everyone evil?

Man: Most property owners have to take out a 30-year loan. So if you’re renting from someone you’re probably paying their mortgage. And the banks have set the interest rates, taxes and meaningless add-on fees for buying a house so high that everyone ends up paying twice what their property is worth in the current housing bubble.

Hipster: So since everyone got charged twice what their stuff was worth they have to charge twice what it’s worth when they sell or rent it.

Man: …to break even, but it’s standard procedure to try to make a profit.

Hipster: So the system is designed so that everybody has to shank their neighbors just to get by?

Man: See? It’s nothing personal. Your land lord’s not evil, just stupid.

Hipster: Now that that’s settled, you mentioned earlier that we always pay twice what a house is worth in the current housing bubble.

Man: If you take out a standard 30-year mortgage, yes.

Hipster: But what do you mean current housing bubble?

Man: Nothing costs as much as its worth. Everything costs as much as people will pay for it. So as long as you’re living anywhere worth living you’ll pay more than what your property is worth.

Hipster: Why does this process have to be so confusing and complicated?

Man: Businesses exist to make money. Banks are businesses. The only way banks make money is by taking it from their customers. So it’s in their best interest to take as much money from their customers as possible. That’s why it’s so hard to buy property.

Hipster: How do banks get away with that?

Man: Because that’s the way the entire economy works. Every time you open your wallet to take money out or put money in someone is going to take as much of it from you as they can.

Hipster: That sounds like a recipe for poverty and homelessness.

Man: Well, you don’t become the richest man in the world by factoring that into the cost/benefit analysis of your actions.

Hipster: What about Bill Gates? He’s like the richest man in the world, and he cares about people.

Man: Well, after I earn my first $70,000,000,000 selling the cheapest product for the highest price while paying my workers as little as the market will allow I’ll give away a few billion I’d never have used anyway to buy my way into Heaven too.

Hipster: With that much money you could sponsor every politician’s career in the country.

Man: With that much money I’d be above the law and wouldn’t care what politicians do, but yes. If the need ever arose I could make the government dance.

Hipster: I guess I won’t hold my breath on getting those government-owned low-cost young professionals dorms.

Man: Well, if you can’t afford to rent in my economy then you can count on going to jail. So in the end, you’ll get a room after all.

Hipster: At least you won’t make any money off of me.

Man: Actually, I own the prison, and the company I own it through is traded on the stock market. So the government pays me for every person I have in prison, and the more people I have in prison the more my stocks go up. It’s a win/win situation!

Hipster: The prison system is a privatized social service? Does that mean you provide the cheapest product at the highest cost?

Man: Let me put it this way. There aren’t enough vitamins in a prison meal to keep a sea monkey alive, but my kids eat steak and lobster twice a week.

Hipster: At least when the police send me to your human kennel I won’t have to work 40+ hours at an unfulfilling job I hate for minimum wage.

Man: Actually, I got your political representatives to waive the basic human rights of prisoners. So inmates work in sweatshop conditions that would otherwise be illegal.

Hipster: I don’t remember voting on that.

Man: Why would I put that up for a vote? That’s not in my best interest.

Hipster: Well, I’m not going to work in your sweatshop. It’s not like I’ll need money in prison.

Man: You’d think that, but I’ve made it pretty damned hard to live without money…even in my prisons.

Hipster: So it’s even expensive to live in a prison?

Man: …as expensive as it can be.

Hipster: Damn. How much does it cost to die?

Man: Ha. Ha. It’s like anything else, as expensive as it can be.

Hipster: Can I ask you one more question.

Man: Sure, but if this takes much longer I’m going to start charging you. Ha. Ha.

Hipster: What do you think the meaning of life is?

Man: It’s like anything else…

Hipster: …to pay as much as possible because life is as expensive as it can be?

Man: Ha. Ha. Well put, but I was just going to say, “Fuck you.”

The End


(Comic) How The Stock Market Works

(Comic) How The Stock Market Works

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(Comic) How Bank Greeters Work

(Comic) How Bank Greeters Work

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TRANSCRIPT

 

Banker: Hello, Buddy. Welcome to the bank that loves you. How are you doing today?

Customer: Not too good, I’m afraid.

Banker: Really? What’s wrong, friend?

Customer: Well, I just hate coming to your bank, because I know I’m going to have to exchange cheerful greetings with four employees not doing any work before I even get to the counter. Then your receptionist is going to ask about my day and try to make small talk.

Banker: Whoa there, Negative Nacy. We’re just being friendly because we love you so much. Don’t blame me because your daddy didn’t love you.

Customer: If you look at the bigger picture, you may be surprised by how logical it is for me to be nauseated by your behavior. For starters, what if I don’t feel like conversing? I can’t walk past for people and dismiss them without looking like an asshole.

Banker: Well, why not just be a nice person and return their greeting?

Customer: The thing about that is, it’s not your place to ask. But every time I come into this bank, I have to act how you want me to or else I’ll look like an asshole. You set me up to look like an asshole… for not doing something I don’t want to do. Which is why I always just return your exaggerated greetings. But that just means you’ve succeeded at manipulating me into acting fake.

Banker: I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not going to apologize for expressing my love for you.

Customer: Then apologize for lying to my face. Did every single employee here independently come up with the idea to get in customers’ faces and pry into their personal lives?

Banker: Heck, no. Everyone is ordered to be aggressively friendly. It discourages bank robbers, and it makes most customers feel important.

Customer: And what happens if your employees aren’t aggressively friendly?

Banker: They get in trouble, and we threaten to fire them. If they don’t conform their behavior, we throw them out in the street to starve to death.

Customer: The fact that you force your employees to act like impossibly happy cult members makes me not want to say hi to you.

Banker: But all businesses do that. So it must be okay.

Customer: By the way, how profitable is this business, and how does it make money?

Banker: This bank is extremely profitable, and we make all of our money by taking it away from our customers through ATM fees, late fees, hidden fees, etc. We even charge customers for not having enough money. But the big profits come from high-interest rates. And the poorer you are, the more you’re going to pay for everything.

Customer: So basically, every time I come here, you lie to my face and force me to kiss you on the cheek before you fuck me in the ass. How on Earth can you not understand why I’m underwhelmed with you?

Banker: Oh, I’m totally with you on this. I hate my job too, but I’m a slave to money just like everyone else. So, we do what the master tells us and find our own way to cope with living in an Orwellian world where money is more important than people.

Customer: Hmmm. Now I kind of do feel like an asshole for rubbing the cold reality of your hollow existence in your face like that.

Banker: Nah, I deserved it.

THE END


(Comic) Intervention With A Pop Star: Part 2

(Comic) Intervention With A Pop Star: Part 2

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A girl named Pop Star and her friend are standing in a hallway next to a door.

Friend: Okay, Pop Star. This is where we’re going shopping.

Pop Star: Hey, I know this place. The last time you brought me here I had an intervention with Dr. Philpot about how anti-intellectual my music was.

The two girls go inside the room. It’s a professional office with a couch. A man is sitting in a chair across from the couch.

Dr. Philpot: Welcome back, Pop Star.

Pop Star: Damn it! I knew it. This is another intervention. What gives?

Friend: I guess you’ll find out. I’ll be back later to pick you up.

The friend leaves.

Dr. Philpot: Why don’t you have a seat, Pop Star?

Pop Star: I’m not sitting down. I don’t need another intervention. I already stopped singing songs that glamorize co-dependency.

Dr. Philpot: This is about something else. Please have a seat. I promise you’ll benefit from what you’re going to hear today.

Pop Star: Fine. Whatever.

She lays down on the couch.

Dr. Philpot: Your friends asked me to have an intervention with you about how you handle money.

Pop Star: What’s wrong with how I handle money? I don’t have any debt. Oh, I get it. You’re going to try to tell me I spend too much on partying, right?

Dr. Philpot: Sort of. To illustrate my point, let’s talk about some of the uplifting songs you’ve written since your last intervention.

Pop Star: Well, there was, “Man in the Mirror,” “Another Day in Paradise,” “Heal the World,” “Where is the Love,” “Walking on Sunshine,” “What a Wonderful World,” “That’s What Friends are For,” “You Get What You Give,” “Never Surrender…” The list goes on. I’m on top of the charts right now.

Dr. Philpot: Yeah…about that.

Pop Star: I believe the word you’re looking for is, “congratulations.”

Dr. Philpot: Yes, congratulations. You’ve filled the world with an unprecedentedly positive message of hope and change. Tell me now, have you seen that change in the world?

Pop Star: Totally. It’s like a whole new world out there. It’s like living in Disney Land.

Dr. Philpot: There’s not any poverty, gangs, drugs, domestic violence, war, famine, fear or collapse going on anywhere in the world?

Pop Star: Well, if you count that stuff…

Dr. Philpot: Yes. Yes, those count.

Pop Star: Well, that’s just all the more reason to stay positive.

Dr. Philpot: And what do you do in your personal life to stay positive?

Pop Star: Bitch, I’m rich. I guarantee you that money can buy happiness. I can make all my wildest fantasies come true with the snap of a finger. When I’m sad I throw money at the problem.

Dr. Philpot: So it’s pretty easy for you to stay positive then?

Pop Star: The fact that I only sleep with models who will let me do anything helps too.

Dr. Philpot: …of course. What would you say if I told you it’s harder for some people to stay positive?

Pop Star: I’d say they should hold on and persevere no matter what.

Dr. Philpot: Would you tell slaves to hold on and persevere no matter what?

Pop Star: There’s no such thing as slaves anymore.

Dr. Philpot: Let’s pretend there are.

Pop Star: I’d tell them that help is on the way.

Dr. Philpot: What if help isn’t on the way?

Pop Star: I’d tell them to keep on believing.

Dr. Philpot: Believing in what, exactly?

Pop Star: Themselves? Their leaders? God? I don’t know. Something inspiring like that.

Dr. Philpot: How is your message supposed to help them if your message is vague to the point of being useless?

Pop Star: Who cares? The whole situation is hypothetical anyway.

Dr. Philpot: If it’s hypothetical anyway, then humor me, and tell me what you would tell your fans if they were slaves on a plantation owned by Superman and in fact, everyone worked in slave plantations owned by a different superhero. So nobody had any hope of rescue since their heroes were the ones enslaving them.

Pop Star: I’d sing the world a song about respecting yourself, holding your leaders accountable and standing up for yourself in the name of truth, justice, and the human spirit. Hey, I think I’ll use that idea for a song in my next album…even if it’s based on a hypothetical premise.

Dr. Philpot: What would you say if I told you that you were a superhero?

Pop Star: Thank you. In fact, that’s what I’ll call my next song, “Hero.”

Dr. Philpot: You don’t understand. You’re one of the heroes in the hypothetical slave world…except that it’s not hypothetical. It’s metaphorical.

Pop Star: That’s ridiculous.  I don’t own any slaves. Ask my accountant.

Dr. Philpot: And what is a slave, exactly?

Pop Star: A slave is a human being you own and have a receipt for.

Dr. Philpot: Does the mafia need a receipt to force a girl into sex slavery?

Pop Star: Okay, fine. No, but it doesn’t matter because I’m not forcing girls to have sex at gunpoint.

Dr. Philpot: True… but it raises the question though, what exactly is a slave? At what point would you call yourself a slave? Suppose your manager kept 100% of the money you made and kept you in his dog house. Would that be slavery?

Pop Star: Yeah, that’d be slavery.

Dr. Philpot: What if he didn’t keep you in his dog house? What if he left you to sleep in the streets and expected you to show up and work for him every day?

Pop Star: I’d kick him in the nuts!

Dr. Philpot: Okay, calm down. What if he let you keep 1% of the money you made him so you could afford to buy your own house, raise a family and make all your dreams come true?

Pop Start: 1% isn’t a favor, that’s an insult.

Dr. Philpot: Well, what if it were 3% or 7 or…

Pop Star: If I’m doing all the work I better get all the money.

Dr. Philpot: Well, your manager is doing a lot of work booking gigs and such. Doesn’t he deserve a fair share of the profits?

Pop Star: Sure, as long as it’s fair and I have my freedom.

Dr. Philpot: What if he gave you a fair share, but in order to buy anything you had to buy it from other slave drivers who charged you 100% of your wages so that you didn’t get to keep any money for yourself? Would you still be a slave then?

Pop Star: I guess not, but the end result would be the same.

Dr. Philpot: Well, that’s the reality of life for most of the human beings on this planet.

Pop Star: Yeah, I know. I wrote the song, “Heal the World,” remember? Anyway, what’s the point? Are you trying to guilt trip me into giving more money to charity?

Dr. Philpot: Well, if your manager kept 90% of the profits you made and it cost 100% of your wages to survive, do you think it would help much if your boss gave 1% of his savings to charity?

Pop Star: No, but I’m not a slave driver. So I don’t know why you’re asking me.

Dr. Philpot: Hmmm. How many people does it take to put on a concert and make and sell all your merchandise?

Pop Star: Uhhhh. Dozens?

Dr. Philpot: How many people do you work with you are so filthy rich they have to do drugs to get creative enough to come up with ideas how to spend all their money?

Pop Star: …just me…and my manager.

Dr. Philpot: How many of your employees are drowning in debt just trying to put a roof over their heads and send their kids to school?

Pop Star: …most of them.

Dr. Philpot: Well, in your song, “In the Air Tonight” you sing about watching a man drown when you have the power to save him…

Pop Star: Yeah, that’s not what that song is about.

Dr. Philpot: Whatever. The point is, would you consider it manslaughter to let someone drown when you have the power to save them?

Pop Star: Yes, I would make a categorical imperative out of that.

Dr. Philpot: Well, your fans and your employees are all drowning, and the only reason you’re not is because you’re standing on their heads.

Pop Star: Wow. You’re so pessimistic. You need to be more optimistic.

Dr. Philpot: I’m not being pessimistic. I’m being realistic, and you’re not being optimistic. You’re being apathetic.

Pop Star: You’re so mean.

Dr. Philpot: If the truth sounds ugly it’s not because of the way the messenger looks.

Pop Star: What what? You want me to give away all of my money? You said yourself, if everyone else is being greedy then charity is just pouring blood into a sieve. It doesn’t address the underlying problem.

Dr. Philpot: If you believe that then I want you to ask yourself, what can you do to address the root cause of poverty and wage slavery other than throwing a fraction of your blood money at the problem…like you’ve been doing.

Pop Star: Can you just tell me what to do instead of asking me leading questions?

Dr. Philpot: I ask leading questions because patients tend to automatically argue with anything they don’t want to hear, and the reason they see me in the first place isn’t because they need the obvious pointed out to them but because they refuse to acknowledge the obvious without coming to the conclusion themselves…but I trust you. So I’ll tell you the truth, but it will be the end of our session. I don’t want to give you time to argue with me. I want you to go home and rethink your life…objectively.

Pop Star: Deal.

Dr. Philpot: You’ve already answered most of your questions anyway.

Pop Star: I have?

Dr. Philpot: You should pay your employees more and charge your customers less.

Pop Star: But they’ll still get overcharged by everyone else, and I’ll be lowering my head closer to water.

Dr. Philpot: But you’ll be setting a precedent and sending a message that can be amplified if your songs reflect your actions.

Pop Star: Will that be enough to make a difference?

Dr. Philpot: If nothing else, you won’t be a brazen hypocrite anymore. Your question is moot anyway. What you can do, you must do. Even if it doesn’t change the world, it’ll still help those within your broad sphere of influence.

Pop Star: Wow, you really know how to guilt trip a girl.

Dr. Philpot: All I did was state the truth. If that makes you feel guilty then that’s your conscience trying to tell you something. And with that, I think we should end your intervention. Will you promise to go home and think about the things we’ve talked about?

Pop Star: I do, but I have to confess… I’m scared to risk what I’ve got on one man’s guilt trip.

Dr. Philpot: If you have enough money to make your dreams come true and your dream is to find answers then hire someone who answers questions.

Pop Star: I guess two minds are better than one…hmmm. Maybe I’ll hire a whole monastery full of intellectual monks.

Pop Star’s friend walks back into the room.

Dr. Philpot: I suppose that’s a start. Well, your friend is back. Looks like our session is over. Good luck, Pop Star.

Pop Star: Thank you, Dr. Philpot. I promise I’ll make the world proud.

The End


(Comic) Intervention With A Pop Star: Part 1

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An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

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TRANSCRIPT

 

Two girls are standing in a hallway next to a door talking. Then they go through the
door where they meet a psychologist.
FRIEND
Okay, pop star. This is where your fan club meeting is.
POP STAR
This is a weird place for a fan club meeting.
Pop Star and her friend walk through the door. Inside is a psychologist’s office. A man is sitting
in a chair.
POP STAR
Oh no! Only one fan showed up?!?! And he’s old!?!
DR. PHILPOT
This isn’t a fan club meeting, and I’m not a fan per se. My name is Dr. Philpot, and I’m a clinical
therapist. Your friend brought you here today for an intervention.
POP STAR
Is that like a total make-over?!?!
DR. PHILPOT
If it helps you can think of it as a make-over for the mind.

POP STAR
Are we both going to get a make-over?
FRIEND
No. I’m good. Call me when you’re done.
The friend leaves.
POP STAR
Okay, so how does this work?
DR. PHILPOT
Just lie down on that couch and get comfortable. Then we’re just going to talk.
Pop Star sits down.
Why did you change your name to “pop star?”
POP STAR
Because that’s who I am, and that’s what I do.
DR. PHILPOT
So you feel your new name is more honest and straightforward? Is that the message you’re
trying to communicate?
POP STAR
Sure. That and it tested well with focus groups.
DR. PHILPOT
Let’s talk about the messages you’re communicating in your song lyrics.
POP STAR
Like, almost all of my songs are about relationships.

DR. PHILPOT
Your target audience is mostly teens who are preparing for the rest of their lives while wrestling
with big decisions and big changes. So why is it that most of your songs focus almost exclusively
on the topic of relationships?
POP STAR
My songs totally prepare teens for life. It’s like one of my earlier songs said, “All you need is
love.”
DR. PHILPOT
In another song you said, “You ain’t got anything if you ain’t got love.” Do you believe that?
POP STAR
I backed that up in the song, “love lifts us up where we belong.” I mean, it’s where we belong.
How can I make that any clearer?
DR. PHILPOT
Have you ever considered that this extreme emphasis on love might be oversimplifying life a
little and possibly distracting or confusing the younger and more impressionable members of
your audience?
POP STAR
Distracting them? From what? What else would I sing about?
DR. PHILPOT
For starters, what about education? You could implore young people to travel, to question their
beliefs, to think logically. In a word, self-improvement.
POP STAR
That’s not romantic!
DR. PHILPOT
Actually, it’s the foundation of romance. How can you know who will make a compatible life
partner if you’ve never defined or refined who you are? Furthermore, the less you’ve defined

yourself the harder it is to achieve happiness because you haven’t defined your wants, goals or
expectations, which makes them impossible to fulfill.
POP STAR
Whatever. Self-help books don’t complete you. Finding the perfect person does.
DR. PHILPOT
Two incomplete people can’t complete each other. And again, how will you know who you’re
compatible with until you fully understand yourself?
POP STAR
When you meet that perfect person you just know.
DR. PHILPOT
But upon first meeting someone you don’t know anything about them.
POP STAR
Why do you need to know everything about them? So you can judge them? So you can measure
them? Love is blind. The whole point of love is you accept the other person just as they are.
DR. PHILPOT
See, the message you’re sending to children there is that they don’t need to improve themselves,
and they should endure any manner of neglect and abuse by their partners in the name of a fuzzy
ideal. This is not a solid foundation to build lasting, meaningful, healthy relationships on. I mean,
do you believe a woman in an abusive or unfulfilling relationship should get a divorce?
POP STAR
Uh, duh? Obviously. Any man of mine better walk the line.
DR. PHILPOT
Have you ever considered writing a few songs that define the preconditions of a healthy
relationship or set useful boundaries? Maybe even songs offering advice on how to achieve
compromise?

POP STAR
You’d have to be stupid not to know that stuff already, and why is it my responsibility to teach
them that anyway?
DR. PHILPOT
Because you’re a pop star, and Children see you as an authority figure. Also, remember that
people listen to your songs over and over again. So your words get pounded into their memory.
And when the only thing they hear from you is that the only thing they should be focusing on in
their life right now is getting in a relationship and staying there, it can have a profound impact on
their priorities. The fact that some of them might not be smart enough to see that makes it all the
more important for you to shape your message responsibly.
POP STAR
You’re acting like I’m killing people. What’s the worst that could happen?
DR. PHILPOT
People may rush into unhealthy relationships, stay in abusive relationships, neglect other
responsibilities, kill themselves after a breakup or simply feel incomplete when there’s no reason
to.
POP STAR
Do you really think so? People will always think with their genitals, which is what love songs are
ultimately appealing to. How will that ever go out of style?
DR. PHILPOT
Culture is always evolving, and it’s evolving faster now than ever before. Counterproductive
norms are becoming obsolete in a fraction of the time it took before the invention of the internet.
Codependency can’t remain the norm forever. Ignorance is becoming more and more taboo, and
it’s only a matter of time before enlightenment goes mainstream. The only question is whether
your career will be riding that wave or be crushed by it.
POP STAR
You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’m going to have to talk to my manager about this. Before
I go though I have one question. You said you weren’t going to bother appealing to my emotions
or my sense of right and wrong. What would you have said if you thought that would help?

DR. PHILPOT
Tonight I want you to spend an hour gazing at the stars and contemplating the beauty, scarcity,
and value of life in this universe. Then ask yourself, if you had a chance to make your brothers’
and sisters’ lives even a little better. then how could you possibly pass up such a profound
opportunity?

THE END


(Comic) How Universities Work

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A college student is standing in a classroom speaking to a professor.

Kid: Hey, bro. Can I ask you something?

Professor: First, let’s get one thing straight. I’m a professor with a doctorate degree. So you will preface my name with the word, “doctor.”

Kid: Sorry. It’s against my religion to address other people with a higher title than me.

Professor: What!? That’s not in any religion! Which religion do you think said that?

Kid: Reason. My religion is reason.

Professor: Silly boy, that’s not legally recognized as a religion.

Kid:…only because it’s based on reality.

Professor: I don’t have time to argue with a child about how you expect the world to operate. Just address me with a higher title than you, and let’s move on.

Kid: No. Not until you give me a reason why.

Professor: I didn’t go to eight years of school for nothing!

Kid: Yeah, you went to eight years of school for an education and a higher paycheck.

Professor: …and to deserve to be called doctor by people foolish enough to be born after me or poorer than me.

Kid: Will I get to be addressed with a higher title just for doing whatever benefits me for eight years?

Professor: No. It only counts if you do exactly what I did.

Kid: Don’t get me wrong. That’s cool that you went to school for so long, but I still don’t see how that obligates me to subjugate myself to you.

Professor: Oh, children are so naïve it makes my head hurt! Look, I went to school for eight years. How do you not understand that?

Kid: So who else gets to demand that other people stroke their ego by addressing them a higher title?

Professor: Military officers, politicians, clergy, and bosses in general.

Kid: So basically, anyone who controls other people deserves to be addressed with a higher title, and anyone who is controlled deserves to subjugate themselves?

Professor: Now you’re talking like a mature adult! Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about?

Kid: Well, doctor, I just wanted to know if I passed my last assignment.

Professor: Yes, you passed, but you got a C, and I know you can do better. So I just have to ask, are you on drugs?

Kid: No. It’s just that I didn’t care about the assignment. So I didn’t bother wasting too much of my precious life on it.

Professor: You have a piss poor attitude, son.

Kid: I’m not your son, and I don’t understand how I have a piss poor attitude.

Professor: It takes so much hard work to get a college degree because a college degree is a badge of maturity that proves how much hard work you’re capable of doing.

Kid: Dude, this class has nothing to do with my career path. Why does it make me a failure if I don’t do well at something I don’t want to do and will never do again?

Professor: I’m a doctor, not a dude, and it seems like the real question is why you’re wasting my time if you don’t even want to be in this class?

Kid: Your school made me take this class for no other reason that I can see other than to charge me more money!

Professor: You kids are so naïve. Colleges don’t make students take superfluous classes just to make money. We’re not here to make money. We’re here to educate young minds.

Kid: So I suppose texts books don’t cost $130 just because you can get away with charging that much.

Professor: Well, point in fact, textbook prices are a racket. Everybody knows that, but nobody will do anything about it.

Kid: Everybody also knows that the higher cost of tuition rises the higher the glass ceiling rises for the poor.

Professor: What liberal, biased news anchor did you learn that “fact” from?

Kid: …all of my social science classes. Look, if you’re going to force me to become a debt slave for the rest of my life to get a college education, can you at least make the classes relevant and useful?

Professor: But every class is relevant and useful! If you took it at college then it must be!

Kid: I learned in Logic 101 that that’s a circular argument. Qualify your statement.

Professor: Every class you take was made by a person with a doctorate degree who is smarter than you. So if you don’t understand its value then the reason why must be because you’re not smart enough to understand.

Kid: “Appeal to authority” is another form of logical fallacy. I’m going to need you to try harder.

Professor: Look, all of the work you’re doing in college is preparing you to succeed in business in ways you’ll only be able to understand after you enter the workforce.

Kid: So after I start working at another job other than all the ones I’ve already had I’ll understand the profound value of writing essays nobody (even you) wants to read, cramming references int said essays and giving PowerPoint presentations to people who don’t care about topics that I’ve just been introduced to while my teacher zones off in the corner?

Professor: Yes, you see, for the rest of your life you’re going to work for totalitarian dictators who need you to perform personally unrewarding tasks to make your bosses rich. And they’ll need you to delegate more loathsome tasks to people younger and poorer than you. So it’s essential that you learn to put up with bullshit now.

Kid: So you’re training me to be a good house nigger?

Professor: That word is insensitive. Use the term, “house slave” instead.

Kid: I thought you were supposed to teach young people to think.

Professor: No, but that sure sounds good on paper, doesn’t it?

Kid: So what did you teach me logic for?

Professor: I was just joking. There’s no big conspiracy. This school’s faculty is just woefully incompetent because they all went to schools that prioritized profit over education.

Kid: That’s it. I’m filing a student complaint.

Professor: HHAAAHAAHA HAHAAHHAHA HA HAHA

The End


(Comic) How Healthcare Works

(Comic) How Healthcare Works

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A woman walks into a hospital and approaches the nurse at the front desk.

Patient: Nurse! Nurse! Help me! I’ve got a horrible pain in my stomach. I think it might be cancer from eating all the processed, chemical-injected food they sell at every grocery store!

Nurse: Oh no! Quick, give me your health insurance card!

Patient: I don’t have health insurance because I can’t afford it. Is that going to be a problem?

Nurse: It is for you. We can’t treat you unless you have insurance.

Patient: You can’t help me, or you won’t help me?

Nurse: Technically we could, but we won’t, because you won’t pay your bills afterward. After all, you can’t even afford insurance.

Patient: I promise I’ll pay my bills. And look at it this way, you’ll never get anything from me if I die.

Nurse: Seriously, our prices are so high there’s no way you’ll be able to afford them without insurance. There’s really no point wasting our time with you. You’d go bankrupt, and again, you wouldn’t ever be able to pay. So we’re just going to let you die.

Patient: But that’s not fair! why do you have to charge so much? Is it really that expensive to provide health care?

Nurse: Technically, no, but we raise the price and pass on the cost to the insurance companies. And insurance companies are evil. So nobody cares if they get overcharged.

Patient: But don’t the insurance companies just pass on the cost to their customers in the form of higher plans?

Nurse: They also reduce their loss by setting ridiculous co-pay thresholds. So you still have to pay thousands of dollars out of pocket even if you already spend hundreds of dollars on insurance each month. And they deny coverage for pre-existing conditions… at least, they did before Obamacare forced them to stop.

Patient: So are insurance companies losing a lot of profits now because they’re being forced to do what they exist to do?

Nurse: They’re making up the losses by forcing every American to have to buy insurance or get fined.

Patient: Isn’t forcing people to buy insurance, socialism?

Nurse: No. Socialism would be if the hospital and insurance companies were owned by the employees or they at least all got an equal cut of the profit. When a company bribes and coerces politicians to pass laws that force people to give them money, that’s just plain old simple extortion and corruption.

Patient: How am I supposed to afford to buy Obamacare? Like I already told you, I can’t afford any insurance.

Nurse: And like I already told you, now you’re going to have to find a way to pay your fine for not having insurance.

Patient: Can’t you just offer affordable prices for your vital services?

Nurse: No, because that’s not how supply and demand works. You see, the more vital something is, the more people will pay for it.

Patient: Who cares!? You make it sound like you have to extort people just because you can.

Nurse: Uh, yeah. That’s like the fundamental tenet of capitalism. Kill or be killed.

Patient: This entire system is completely immoral. Didn’t you take the Hippocratic Oath?

Nurse: Those are just empty words to make you feel better, like when we tell you that you’re a valued customer… or at least we would tell you that if you had insurance. As it stands, I’m just going to tell you to leave before I call the police and have you arrested for loitering.

Patient: Fine. I’m taking a bus to Mexico. I’ll see a doctor there.

Nurse: Drats. You found a loophole. I swear someday we’re going to make it illegal to do that. At least you can’t bring any medicine back.

THE END


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