(Comic) How Bank Greeters Work

(Comic) How Bank Greeters Work

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Banker: Hello, Buddy. Welcome to the bank that loves you. How are you doing today?

Customer: Not too good, I’m afraid.

Banker: Really? What’s wrong, friend?

Customer: Well, I just hate coming to your bank, because I know I’m going to have to exchange cheerful greetings with four employees not doing any work before I even get to the counter. Then your receptionist is going to ask about my day and try to make small talk.

Banker: Whoa there, Negative Nacy. We’re just being friendly because we love you so much. Don’t blame me because your daddy didn’t love you.

Customer: If you look at the bigger picture, you may be surprised by how logical it is for me to be nauseated by your behavior. For starters, what if I don’t feel like conversing? I can’t walk past for people and dismiss them without looking like an asshole.

Banker: Well, why not just be a nice person and return their greeting?

Customer: The thing about that is, it’s not your place to ask. But every time I come into this bank, I have to act how you want me to or else I’ll look like an asshole. You set me up to look like an asshole… for not doing something I don’t want to do. Which is why I always just return your exaggerated greetings. But that just means you’ve succeeded at manipulating me into acting fake.

Banker: I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not going to apologize for expressing my love for you.

Customer: Then apologize for lying to my face. Did every single employee here independently come up with the idea to get in customers’ faces and pry into their personal lives?

Banker: Heck, no. Everyone is ordered to be aggressively friendly. It discourages bank robbers, and it makes most customers feel important.

Customer: And what happens if your employees aren’t aggressively friendly?

Banker: They get in trouble, and we threaten to fire them. If they don’t conform their behavior, we throw them out in the street to starve to death.

Customer: The fact that you force your employees to act like impossibly happy cult members makes me not want to say hi to you.

Banker: But all businesses do that. So it must be okay.

Customer: By the way, how profitable is this business, and how does it make money?

Banker: This bank is extremely profitable, and we make all of our money by taking it away from our customers through ATM fees, late fees, hidden fees, etc. We even charge customers for not having enough money. But the big profits come from high-interest rates. And the poorer you are, the more you’re going to pay for everything.

Customer: So basically, every time I come here, you lie to my face and force me to kiss you on the cheek before you fuck me in the ass. How on Earth can you not understand why I’m underwhelmed with you?

Banker: Oh, I’m totally with you on this. I hate my job too, but I’m a slave to money just like everyone else. So, we do what the master tells us and find our own way to cope with living in an Orwellian world where money is more important than people.

Customer: Hmmm. Now I kind of do feel like an asshole for rubbing the cold reality of your hollow existence in your face like that.

Banker: Nah, I deserved it.


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