(Comic) How Presidential Elections Works

(Comic) How Presidential Elections Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of Congress, talking to an elephant and a donkey.

Man: I have a few questions I’d like to ask you guys about running for office.

Elephant: You have our undivided attention.

Donkey: Yep. We’ll bend over backward for you.

Elephant: Wait. You are a wealthy campaign investor… I mean, donor, right?

Man: Uh, no.

Donkey: You got five minutes, and don’t expect much.

Man: It’s just that I’m so upset that my president promised change, but the only things that seem to have changed on his watch are that the rich have gotten richer, the poor have gotten poorer, and the police have gotten meaner.

Elephant: *Yawn* So what?

Man: So I’ve decided to run for president, but I’m a little confused by the electoral process. First, I noticed the people don’t actually elect the president. This group of people called “The Electoral College” does. What’s up with that?

Elephant: It’s no big deal. The Electoral College votes for the candidates the people vote for.

Donkey: Nothing to see here, citizen. Move along.

Man: So by law, The Electoral College has to vote how the majority of the people in their state vote?

Elephant: …depends on the state.

Man: Has any member of The Electoral College ever voted contrary to the voters they’re supposed to represent?

Donkey: Yeah, but it doesn’t happen often. So it’s not a big deal.

Man: Hmmmm. I have another minor point of concern. When the majority of people in a state vote for one candidate, then that automatically cancels out the vote of anyone who voted for the losing party in that state…

Elephant: Duh. That’s how a republic… I mean, a democracy works.

Donkey: It wouldn’t be fair for the majority to lose their representation to the minority, would it?

Man: I’m glad you said that, because under the current system, the majority of the people in the country could vote for one candidate and still lose if the majority of the people in the largest states vote for another.

Elephant: When you put it like that…

Donkey: …It’s not a big deal.

Man: The people who lose their voice in government through a loophole probably think it’s a big deal.

Elephant: Not if they never notice.

Donkey: Anyway, the point of losing your voice in government is that your voice doesn’t matter. So… problem solved.

Man: Next question. If a majority vote will put a politician in office, then will they get removed if their approval rating drops below 50%?

Elephant: Nope.

Man: 30%?

Donkey: No.

Man: Damn. What about 10%?

Elephant: Not even at 1%

Man: I suppose presidential candidates have to pass a pretty strict batter of tests to qualify to run for office to keep anyone that bad from getting elected in the first place, right?

Elephant: You gotta be old enough, be born a citizen and able to win a campaign.

Man: There’s no competency test, psych evaluation or even a drug test?

Donkey: It’s not like they’re enlisting to be a janitor in the military. Geeze. They’re just going to control the military.

Man: But if that’s all it takes to run for president, you could just put an actor on the campaign trail!

Elephant: Been there. Done that.

Man: How well did that work out?

Donkey: For who?

Man: Tell me this at least, if the president is guilty of corruption, will he get kicked out of office?

Elephant: If the president does it, it’s legal.

Man: Isn’t corruption tantamount to treason though?

Donkey: Not after our corporate-funded public relations firms spin it.

Man: What if the president commits war crimes?

Elephant: That’s okay as long as it’s in the name of national security.

Donkey: Anyway, war crime convictions are for people who follow orders, not people who give them.

Man: Is there anything the president can do to get kicked out of office?

Elephant: Sure. There’s lots of things.

Donkey: He could piss us off. He could make us look bad. The list goes on.

Man: Isn’t it a little unfair that people can elect a leader into office, but they can’t veto a leader out of office?

Elephant: The leaders you choose are the leaders you’re stuck with. So pick wisely.

Donkey: …between us.

Man: So let me get this straight. The voters only get to choose between you two, and if you betray them, they can’t get rid of you?

Elephant: That’s not how it works at all. If the voters don’t like us, they’re free to pick one of us to replace us in the next election.

Donkey: That’s the definition of fairness.

Man: That sounds more like the definition of a monopoly on power.

Elephant: It’s not a big deal.

Donkey: But if you don’t like it, then you’re a traitor, and that’s a big deal.

Man: I’m just saying, this doesn’t seem like the best system to ensure the most qualified individual holds the most powerful position in the country and arguably the world.

Elephant: It’s the best system have ever come up with… says me.

Donkey: So why change even the smallest detail?

Man: Uh… because politicians across the board have almost no accountability, and there are a hundred ways the people’s voice can get lost.

Elephant: It sounds so pretty when you say it like that.

Donkey: I got chills.

Man: Well, this just strengthens my resolve to run for president as an independent.

Elephant: You know the only independent to ever win a presidential election was George Washington, right?

Donkey: There’s a reason for that.

THE END

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