Tag Archives: politician satire

(Comic) How The War On Drugs Works

(Comic) How The War On Drugs Works

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Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

TRANSCRIPT

 

A woman is standing in front of a judge in a courtroom.
JUDGE
Order in the Court! This case is now in session. Will the defendant please state her name?
DR. JUSTICE
My name is Dr. Michele Justice.
JUDGE
You’ve been charged with growing ten marijuana plants in your house. Tell the court how you
plead before the prosecution states their case.
DR. JUSTICE
Before we go on, tell me who this “prosecution” person is.
JUDGE
That’s the person whose job it is to make sure you go to jail for as long as possible and pay as
much money in fines as possible.
DR. JUSTICE
I’d like to call a mistrial. There’s no reason or justice in having someone here whose sole job it is
to ruin my life.
JUDGE
Don’t worry. We’ll lend you a person whose sole job it is to fight the prosecution and defend you
even if you’re guilty.
DR. JUSTICE
What if my representative is an idiot with no experience and the prosecutor is a sociopathic
genius with decades of experience?

JUDGE
Then you’ll be going to prison for a long, long time, and after you get out you won’t be able to
get a decent job for the rest of your life because of your criminal record.
DR. JUSTICE
This is absurd. I demand better protection from this villain.
JUDGE
Don’t worry. Twelve of our peers will listen to both sides of the case and vote democratically on
your fate.
DR. JUSTICE
Isn’t it a conflict of interest to have my peers judge me?
JUDGE
By “peers” I meant, “total strangers.”
DR. JUSTICE
Are they experts in the law?
JUDGE
No, not at all. A lot of them aren’t experts in anything. They’re pretty much failures in life.
DR. JUSTICE
What are the chances they’ll be sympathetic to my case?
JUDGE
Not good, because the prosecutor will get to screen them and remove any he doesn’t think he can
manipulate into voting to send you to jail and ruin your life.
DR. JUSTICE
So you’re going to put my fate in the hands of a group of people who have been stacked against
me, have no legal training and don’t want to be here? Then on top of that you’re going to let a
highly skilled, manipulative sociopath twist their perception of me?

JUDGE
When you put it like that it really does sound bad, but I can assure you it’s a great system.
DR. JUSTICE
Has anyone innocent ever been found guilty? Or has anyone guilty ever been found innocent?
JUDGE
Both literally happen every single day.
DR. JUSTICE
I’ll tell you what, why don’t you let three impartial detectives investigate my case, and I’ll let
them have the final say on my verdict.
JUDGE
You don’t have that option.
DR. JUSTICE
What options do I have?
JUDGE
None.
DR. JUSTICE
So how do I get options?
JUDGE
First, you go to prison, and if you survive then you spend the rest of your life learning the legal
system and spend your life savings appealing your case until it goes to the Supreme Court, but
the legal system will try to stop you every step of the way.
DR. JUSTICE
Is it the Supreme Court’s responsibility to objectively stand up for human rights and challenge
the system when it fails to serve the interests of the people?

JUDGE
For every case where that happened, I can point to three where it didn’t.
DR. JUSTICE
What about you? I’m talking to you right now. Can’t you help me?
JUDGE
I don’t have the authority.
DR. JUSTICE
But you have the authority to destroy my life and by proxy the lives of my family?
JUDGE
That’s correct.
DR. JUSTICE
How is that justice?
JUDGE
That’s how it’s always been done. So it must be right. Now, you were caught with ten marijuana
plants. How do you plead?
DR. JUSTICE
Before I answer that, why is it a problem that I had ten marijuana plants?
JUDGE
Because it’s against the law.
DR. JUSTICE
But 
why is it against the law?
JUDGE
Because it’s bad for you.

DR. JUSTICE
I’ve got 30 tobacco plants growing in my backyard. Why don’t you arrest me for that?
JUDGE
Because it’s not illegal.
DR. JUSTICE
Why not? Millions of people die every year from tobacco, and nobody has ever died from
marijuana. In fact, marijuana has medicinal properties.
JUDGE
Can you prove that marijuana is medicinal?
DR. JUSTICE
Until you prove that tobacco is medicinal I don’t see why I need to.
JUDGE
Well, marijuana will also get you high, and anything that makes you feel euphoric has to be
illegal.
DR. JUSTICE
Cigarettes and alcohol get you high too.
JUDGE
Alcohol was legalized because prohibition led to an unprecedented rise in organized crime, and
the majority of Americans wanted it legalized.
DR. JUSTICE
Everything you just said is true about marijuana, and there are tons of academic papers written
about it.
JUDGE
Too bad this is neither the time nor the place to have this discussion.

DR. JUSTICE
I’m about to be sent to prison…by you. This is exactly the time and place to have this
conversation. In fact, I’d say this conversation is long overdue.
JUDGE
I’m sorry, but you can’t question the law in a court of law.
DR. JUSTICE
Can I at least pick my punishment? I’d rather get whipped than go to jail.
JUDGE
We can’t whip you. That would be cruel and unusual punishment.
DR. JUSTICE
Will I suffer any inhumane treatment in prison?
JUDGE
You’ll almost certainly be beaten, stabbed and raped. You’ll live in constant fear. You’ll barely
get enough nutrition to survive, and you’ll get as little medical care as possible. And you’ll be
coerced into working in a sweatshop.
DR. JUSTICE
Is there any way I can improve my odds of surviving in prison?
JUDGE
Since you’re white your best bet is to join the Arian Brotherhood.
DR. JUSTICE
So your solution to crime is to force criminals to join organized crime rings?
DR. JUSTICE
Uhhhh.
JUDGE

How much would it cost to send me to prison anyway?
DR. JUSTICE
About twenty-four thousand dollars a year.
DR. JUSTICE
I’m a doctor. I’d pay that much in taxes if I were able to go back to work.
JUDGE
Well, that’s all the more reason why you shouldn’t have broken the law. You’re costing the taxpayers
twice.
DR. JUSTICE
No.
You’re costing the taxpayers twice by sending me to prison for no reason.
DR. JUSTICE
There is a reason. Marijuana users have to be arrested to keep society safe.
JUDGE
Smoking marijuana is a victimless crime. Absolutely no one gets hurt by it. Even if it were as
dangerous as alcohol or cigarettes, it still wouldn’t be as dangerous as prison. Sending people to
jail for marijuana possession is like shooting them in the head to stop them from shooting
themselves in the foot. Wouldn’t people’s taxes be better spent enforcing victim-full crimes and
rehabilitating violent criminals?
DR. JUSTICE
Honestly, as long as I get a paycheck every month I don’t really care.
DR. JUSTICE
Doesn’t it bother you at all that this system is designed to set people up to fail, not to facilitate
justice?
JUDGE
People who can afford a high-priced lawyer aren’t set up to fail. Neither are politicians.

DR. JUSTICE
That’s completely and utterly unfair. That’s not justice.
JUDGE
Not my job to care.
DR. JUSTICE
Reason is dead here. Well, why don’t we just skip this charade and send me to your for-profit
human kennel you call a prison.
JUDGE
Fantastic. Send in the next victim in the war on people.

THE END


(Comic) How Equality Works

(Comic) How Equality Works

 

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An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

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This Was Your Life

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of Congress talking to an elephant and a donkey.
MAN
Hey, guys, I have a question about political philosophy I was hoping you could help me with.
ELEPHANT
We might be able to help you.
DONKEY
Just don’t ask us any questions about history.
MAN
The declaration of independence says all men are created equal. What does that mean?
ELEPHANT
It means everyone is entitled to the same freedoms and rights.
DONKEY
…at birth.
MAN
Can anyone ever have a different amount of freedoms and rights?
ELEPHANT
Well, I mean you have to allow for a few exceptions…for the greater good.
MAN
So who and what are the exceptions to the rule that all people should be equal in the eyes of the
law?

ELEPHANT
Obviously, politicians have to have some immunity from the law.
DONKEY
…so we can do our jobs representing the public will that is.
MAN
Give me an example.
ELEPHANT
We can profit off of insider trading.
MAN
Who else is held to a different standard of accountability than the average taxpayer/voter?
ELEPHANT
We decided diplomats visiting the country are exempt from half the rules that apply to the
citizens living here.
MAN
How is that legal?
DONKEY
Nobody asked you that are how.
MAN
Do all foreigners have more rights in this country than those born here?
ELEPHANT
Ha ha ha. No. That would be insulting!
DONKEY
Only foreign politicians have more freedom in your country than you.

ELEPHANT
We pretty much don’t acknowledge that anybody else is human.
MAN
How so?
DONKEY
We gave ourselves the right to lock up pretty much any foreigner in secret prisons and torture
them indefinitely.
MAN
Doesn’t our military overthrow governments that do that sort of thing?
ELEPHANT
…if our government has something to gain from it, sure.
MAN
I thought the troops fought for freedom and equality. How is that possible when the government
they’re backing doesn’t support freedom and equality itself?
ELEPHANT
Because the troops are literally slaves themselves.
DONKEY
Yeah, calling them second-class citizens is an understatement.
MAN
That’s 1% of the population! How can you take that many people’s rights away? How is that
legal?
ELEPHANT
It’s totally legit. The uniform code of military justice allows us to legally strip human beings of
the rights and freedoms guaranteed to them in the constitution and the universal declaration of
human rights.

MAN
Who wrote the uniform code of military justice?
ELEPHANT AND DONKEY
We did.
MAN
I’m confused how you can just give yourself the right to void other people’s rights.
ELEPHANT
Well, the troops signed a contract waiving their rights.
MAN
Why would someone sign away their rights?
ELEPHANT
Well, we didn’t really stress that that was part of the deal when we got them to sign.
MAN
What did you stress?
DONKEY
That signing would make them a hero. We even gave some of them a few thousand dollars as an
extra incentive.
MAN
So that’s how much human rights are worth in this country? A few thousand dollars?
DONKEY
That and free medical care.

MAN
That’s very generous of you to give the troops socialized medical care, especially considering
you’ve created such a stigma against the taxpayers funding their own socialized medical care.
ELEPHANT
Slaves are expensive. We don’t want them falling apart.
MAN
About that. If you can sign your rights away for a paycheck. then they’re not really rights, are
they? And if people can have different levels of freedom then we’re not really all equal are we?
ELEPHANT
But it has to be this way to protect and maintain freedom and equality.
MAN
You’re saying the leaders have to be exempt from the law, and they have to control an army of
slaves drawn from the civilian population in order to ensure the freedom and equality of the
civilian population…at least the ones you haven’t sent to your massive networks of for-profit
prisons.
ELEPHANT
You get an “A-plus” in political philosophy.
MAN
Have we ever tried actually giving everyone equal rights and freedoms unconditionally?
ELEPHANT
Many Native American tribes lived that way.
DONKEY
…before we ordered our army of slaves to kill them in the name of patriotism.
MAN
Would it be unpatriotic to ask for everyone to be given equal rights and freedoms now?

ELEPHANT
So you’re saying you don’t agree with the current government?
MAN
…yes?
ELEPHANT
That makes you an enemy combatant in the war on terror. You just exempted yourself from what
few rights you had been enjoying at our leisure.
MAN
The people won’t stand for this!
DONKEY
Ha ha ha. Tell that to Bradley Manning when you see him.

THE END


(Comic) How Protesting In Tents Works

(Comic) How Protesting In Tents Works

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This Was Your Life

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A woman is standing in front of a judge in a courtroom.
JUDGE
Dr. Michelle Justice, three weeks ago you and several hundred other protesters were arrested for
camping in a public park. How do you plead?
DR. JUSTICE
Before I answer that I have a few questions. First of all, I paid for that park with my taxes. So
that makes it 
my park. So why would it be a crime for me to camp in my park?
JUDGE
Correction. It’s everybody’s park. So since everybody has a right to use it then nobody can use it
in case someone else wants to use it.
DR. JUSTICE
Did someone complain that they couldn’t use the park because I was camping there?
JUDGE
No, but your camping there was a health and safety issue anyway. So it was imperative that you
be removed.
DR. JUSTICE
If it’s 
so imperative that my health and safety be secured that you won’t allow me to camp in a
park then it should also be imperative that you won’t allow police to beat, mace, and taze people
camping in parks, right?
JUDGE
You answered your own question. The cops beat, maced, and tazed everyone camping in the park
for their own safety. So the end justified the means.
DR. JUSTICE

You don’t see that as the means defeating the purpose?
JUDGE
Justice is blind.
DR. JUSTICE
Or maybe in this case, retarded. So is there a nation-wide ban on all long-term camping due to
health and safety concerns or does that ban only apply to protesters?
JUDGE
It only applies to protesters, of course.
DR. JUSTICE
Why is that?
JUDGE
Because protesters are a public nuisance. You get people riled up and create a volatile
atmosphere that could result in harm to yourselves or others.
DR. JUSTICE
If all of that were true, then the end would justify the means though because we were camping to
protest against how multinational corporations have used corruption and bribery to shape the
nation’s laws to allow them to exploit their workers and customers at an unconscionable cost in
human life and dignity.
JUDGE
Even if what the corporations did was immoral it was still legal. So that makes it okay. The real
issue here is that you just admitted to camping on public property. That means you’re about to go
to jail where you’ll undoubtedly be raped and stabbed.
DR. JUSTICE
But I was camping as a form of protest. So I invoke the legal immunity reserved for citizens
performing their civic duty to protest against injustice in their representative government.
JUDGE

What you just described doesn’t exist.
DR. JUSTICE
But if any form of protest can be labeled a public nuisance at best and terrorism at worst then any
corrupt politician can call on the law enforcement officials they control to violently and totally
squash any protest against real corruption that has a real negative impact on the lives of human
beings.
JUDGE
But if we set the precedent that you’re allowed to protest then you’ll protest about everything and
never stop.
DR. JUSTICE
Assuming that’s the greater of two evils we can still compromise. How about if citizens get legal
immunity to protest only in cases where corruption has led to the deaths of millions of people
and the destitution of even more?
JUDGE
Nope. Order must be maintained.
DR. JUSTICE
Are corruption, systemic manslaughter, economic inequality and misery considered order?
JUDGE
This country has 4% of the world population and 25% of the world prison population.
DR. JUSTICE
It’s a well-established fact that poverty and income inequality lead to higher crime rates. So in a
sense, when you protect income inequality creators you’re not protecting job creators. You’re
protecting crime creators.
JUDGE

You’re forgetting another very important fact. By prosecuting illegal campers I’m also protecting
the grass you’re killing with your tents.
DR. JUSTICE
I fail to see how the cost/benefit analysis adds up in favor of protecting a few square feet of grass
at the expense of millions of people’s lives.
JUDGE
It’s just not my job to look that far ahead.
DR. JUSTICE
Whose job is it then?
JUDGE
The Supreme Court.
DR. JUSTICE
How does a person get on the Supreme Court?
JUDGE
They’re appointed by the politicians you’re protesting against for being compromised by the
corporations you’re protesting against.
DR. JUSTICE
Is there any legal avenue I can use to hold corrupt politicians and their financial backers
accountable to crimes against humanity that are equivalent to a trillion armed robberies and tens
of millions of cases of manslaughter?
JUDGE
I’m afraid the system is designed so the higher up the chain of command you are the less
accountable you are. So no.
DR. JUSTICE
Shouldn’t that be the other way around?

JUDGE
Not if you want to maintain order.
DR. JUSTICE
By “order” you don’t mean “the safety and dignity of the majority.” You mean “the power
structure that allows the rich to exploit the poor?
JUDGE
By “order” I mean “the way it’s always been done.” If that’s the way it’s always been done, then
yes.
DR. JUSTICE
We’re really in need of heroes right now. Why don’t 
you stand up for truth, justice and the
American way by refusing to punish protesters?
JUDGE
I got a family to feed. There’s no way I’m sticking my neck out for anyone else. Just look at
where that got you!
DR. JUSTICE
So that’s how it’s going to be then?
JUDGE
Every man for himself. Isn’t that what Jesus and the founding fathers said?
DR. JUSTICE
No.

THE END


(Comic) How Political Representation Works

Reference: 

The Stop Online Piracy Act of 2011

(Comic) How Political Representation Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of the White House talking to an elephant and a donkey.
MAN
Hey guys. I’m thinking about running for Congress, but I’m a little confused about what the job
entails. Can you help me?
ELEPHANT
Sure. We’ve been doing this a long time and have the system worked out pretty well.
DONKEY
Streamlined even.
MAN
Here’s the thing. I want to get elected to represent my voters, but it seems like I’ll be passing laws
that affect the whole nation and sometimes the whole world. So how is that fair for all the people
from different states who didn’t vote for me?
ELEPHANT
We sort of have a “don’t ask. Don’t tell.” policy when it comes to that.
DONKEY
Don’t worry about it. What people don’t realize won’t hurt them.
MAN
What about this “S.O.P.A.” Bill that will effectively destroy free speech on the internet? That
was introduced by a congressman from Texas and has the whole world in an uproar…for good
reason?

ELEPHANT
Yeah, but the rest of the representatives in Congress could shoot the bill down…if we wanted
them to.
DONKEY
So the balance of power evens out in the end.
MAN
That’s a relief. So if people contact their congressmen and express their disapproval of a bill then
their congressman will have to represent their expectations?
ELEPHANT
No.
MAN
No?
DONKEY
No.
MAN
So what happens when a person sends a letter to their congressman? Doesn’t he or she read it and
then act on the wishes of their voters?
ELEPHANT
NO. An intern reads it and either throws it away or sends a canned response back.
DONKEY
…and then throws the voter’s letter away.
MAN
So congressmen are under no obligation whatsoever to represent their voter’s expectations?

ELEPHANT
No. The voters can elect someone else to take their place next election cycle if their
representatives’ actions don’t incidentally meet their voters’ expectations.
DONKEY
So congressmen have a strong incentive to represent their voters…or to keep them in the dark.
MAN
But if the representatives never act in the interest of the voters then couldn’t the representatives
get voted out perpetually while the voters never get what they want no matter who they vote in?
ELEPHANT
You’re oversimplifying things.
DONKEY
In reality, the voters get a lot of what they want…and a lot of what they don’t.
MAN
Surely there’s a law that says representatives can’t go back on their campaign promises though,
right?
ELEPHANT
Nah. That happens all the time.
MAN
Doesn’t that piss voters off?
ELEPHANT
Yeah. That’s why we groom our candidates to be as vague as possible in their campaign
promises.
MAN
When you get right down to it the voters really just have to hope their representatives…represent
them.

DONKEY
It never hurts to grease the wheels with massive campaign contributions.
ELEPHANT
You can also move to Washington D.C. and become a politician yourself or become a full-time
lobbyist. And really, if you don’t do that then you have no excuse for not having your views
represented.
MAN
…unless they want a life of their own, which is what I thought government was supposed to give
them. I just don’t see how congressmen can call themselves representatives when there’s no way
to hold them accountable to their voters, especially when they’re more or less on the payroll of
campaign donors and lobbyist who are doing everything they can to buy all the influence in the
government.
ELEPHANT
Well, it’s a good thing nobody asked you.
MAN
So what do you call a government where the people elect leaders who don’t represent their
interests?
ELEPHANT
I don’t know. Do you know what you call someone who speaks out against their leaders…
DONKEY
A terrorist!
MAN
So what are you going to do? Send me to Guantanamo Bay?
ELEPHANT
No. Once we pass the S.O.P.A. bill or something like it we’ll just stop you from being able to
spread your dissenting ideas.

DONKEY
Now if you’ll excuse us, our lobbyists are calling.

THE END


(Comic) How Presidential Elections Works

(Comic) How Presidential Elections Works

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An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

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This Was Your Life

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of Congress, talking to an elephant and a donkey.

Man: I have a few questions I’d like to ask you guys about running for office.

Elephant: You have our undivided attention.

Donkey: Yep. We’ll bend over backward for you.

Elephant: Wait. You are a wealthy campaign investor… I mean, donor, right?

Man: Uh, no.

Donkey: You got five minutes, and don’t expect much.

Man: It’s just that I’m so upset that my president promised change, but the only things that seem to have changed on his watch are that the rich have gotten richer, the poor have gotten poorer, and the police have gotten meaner.

Elephant: *Yawn* So what?

Man: So I’ve decided to run for president, but I’m a little confused by the electoral process. First, I noticed the people don’t actually elect the president. This group of people called “The Electoral College” does. What’s up with that?

Elephant: It’s no big deal. The Electoral College votes for the candidates the people vote for.

Donkey: Nothing to see here, citizen. Move along.

Man: So by law, The Electoral College has to vote how the majority of the people in their state vote?

Elephant: …depends on the state.

Man: Has any member of The Electoral College ever voted contrary to the voters they’re supposed to represent?

Donkey: Yeah, but it doesn’t happen often. So it’s not a big deal.

Man: Hmmmm. I have another minor point of concern. When the majority of people in a state vote for one candidate, then that automatically cancels out the vote of anyone who voted for the losing party in that state…

Elephant: Duh. That’s how a republic… I mean, a democracy works.

Donkey: It wouldn’t be fair for the majority to lose their representation to the minority, would it?

Man: I’m glad you said that, because under the current system, the majority of the people in the country could vote for one candidate and still lose if the majority of the people in the largest states vote for another.

Elephant: When you put it like that…

Donkey: …It’s not a big deal.

Man: The people who lose their voice in government through a loophole probably think it’s a big deal.

Elephant: Not if they never notice.

Donkey: Anyway, the point of losing your voice in government is that your voice doesn’t matter. So… problem solved.

Man: Next question. If a majority vote will put a politician in office, then will they get removed if their approval rating drops below 50%?

Elephant: Nope.

Man: 30%?

Donkey: No.

Man: Damn. What about 10%?

Elephant: Not even at 1%

Man: I suppose presidential candidates have to pass a pretty strict batter of tests to qualify to run for office to keep anyone that bad from getting elected in the first place, right?

Elephant: You gotta be old enough, be born a citizen and able to win a campaign.

Man: There’s no competency test, psych evaluation or even a drug test?

Donkey: It’s not like they’re enlisting to be a janitor in the military. Geeze. They’re just going to control the military.

Man: But if that’s all it takes to run for president, you could just put an actor on the campaign trail!

Elephant: Been there. Done that.

Man: How well did that work out?

Donkey: For who?

Man: Tell me this at least, if the president is guilty of corruption, will he get kicked out of office?

Elephant: If the president does it, it’s legal.

Man: Isn’t corruption tantamount to treason though?

Donkey: Not after our corporate-funded public relations firms spin it.

Man: What if the president commits war crimes?

Elephant: That’s okay as long as it’s in the name of national security.

Donkey: Anyway, war crime convictions are for people who follow orders, not people who give them.

Man: Is there anything the president can do to get kicked out of office?

Elephant: Sure. There’s lots of things.

Donkey: He could piss us off. He could make us look bad. The list goes on.

Man: Isn’t it a little unfair that people can elect a leader into office, but they can’t veto a leader out of office?

Elephant: The leaders you choose are the leaders you’re stuck with. So pick wisely.

Donkey: …between us.

Man: So let me get this straight. The voters only get to choose between you two, and if you betray them, they can’t get rid of you?

Elephant: That’s not how it works at all. If the voters don’t like us, they’re free to pick one of us to replace us in the next election.

Donkey: That’s the definition of fairness.

Man: That sounds more like the definition of a monopoly on power.

Elephant: It’s not a big deal.

Donkey: But if you don’t like it, then you’re a traitor, and that’s a big deal.

Man: I’m just saying, this doesn’t seem like the best system to ensure the most qualified individual holds the most powerful position in the country and arguably the world.

Elephant: It’s the best system have ever come up with… says me.

Donkey: So why change even the smallest detail?

Man: Uh… because politicians across the board have almost no accountability, and there are a hundred ways the people’s voice can get lost.

Elephant: It sounds so pretty when you say it like that.

Donkey: I got chills.

Man: Well, this just strengthens my resolve to run for president as an independent.

Elephant: You know the only independent to ever win a presidential election was George Washington, right?

Donkey: There’s a reason for that.

THE END


(Comic) How Gender Equality Works

(Comic) How Gender Equality Works

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A young girl is talking to an elephant and a donkey in front of the Supreme Court building.

Girl: Can I ask you guys something?

Elephant: Sure. You have the right to say whatever you want in this country.

Donkey: …just like we have the right to monitor whatever you say.

Girl: I’m not legally required to wear a burqa or a hajib when I grow up, am I?

Elephant: Heavens no! It’s no the government’s place to tell you how to dress.

Donkey: …Outside of the workplace that is.

Girl: Oh, great! So I’ll always be free to take my shirt off wherever a man is allowed to take his shirt off then, right?

Elephant: Heavens no! That would be indecent.

Donkey: You’ll be free to work in a strip club after you turn 18 though…wherever strip clubs are legal.

Girl: So let me get this straight. It’s 2011, and I don’t have equal rights as men?

Elephant: If you want to get nitpicky about it, not.

Girl: What if I don’t think this is being nitpicky?

Donkey: Either way, it’s still the same.

Girl: Why don’t I have equal rights, again? I thought I lived in the land of the free.

Elephant: Not enough people have complained about it loud enough. So they voted for your subjugation through their collective silence.

Donkey: ….but if enough people did complain about it we’d have the police mace, taze, beat, and arrest them.

Girl: But isn’t the point of having rights that you don’t need anyone else’s approval?

Elephant: If you want to get nitpicky about it, yes.

Donkey: …but we’re not nitpicky.

Girl: If it’s all the same to you, do you think you could just sign my freedom into law real quick? That wouldn’t take long, would it?

Elephant: It’d take as long as it takes to sign a piece of paper.

Donkey: …but we’re really busy signing other pieces of paper.

Girl: What’s more important than equal rights for women?

Elephant: Tax breaks and bailouts for the ultra-wealthy.

Donkey: ….and cracking down on protesters advocating economic equality.

Girl: I’ve got an idea. What if you give me this one thing, and maybe that’ll make people feel like you’re doing something for them and they won’t be so upset about the rest of the stuff you’re not doing?

Elephant: I like the way you think, but…

Donkey: We don’t want to set a precedent. If we give you an inch the next thing you’ll be asking for a mile.

Girl: I’m sure if you do me this one…favor…you’ll go down in history as civil rights leaders.

Elephant: *ugh* Our arms are still aching from having them twisted to let gays serve openly in the military.

Donkey: …and from patting ourselves on the back for doing that.

Elephant: I don’t know what you’re so upset about anyway. You could live in Saudi Arabia. Then you’d have way fewer rights.

Girl: By that logic I shouldn’t complain about economic inequality because I could live in a country that America exports all its sweatshop labor to.

Donkey: Now you’re getting the hang of it!

Elephant: I’ll tell you what. You can make a petition on the White House website, and if enough people sign it we’ll look at it.

Girl: I already signed a bunch of those petitions. All you give me is dismissive, non-answers. I’m not even going to try that anymore.

Donkey: Wow! You’re really getting the hang of this!

THE END


(Comic) How Government Hand-Outs Work

(Comic) How Government Hand-Outs Work

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TRANSCRIPT

 

Every panel shows the same picture of a wealthy businessman and his son standing near an expensive Ferrari sports car.

Father: “Congratulations on graduating from my Ivy League alma mater, son. After paying all your tuition and living expenses through school I bought you this Ferrari for your graduation present.”

Son: “Wow. Thanks, Dad!”

Father: “Thank the taxpayers. I bought ten of these with the bonus I got after the government gave my company all that bailout money.”

Son: “Let’s drive down to your office and show the car to your coworkers.”

Father: “We’ll have to do that another time. The streets to the office are blocked by vagrant protesters.”

Son: “What do the protesters want?”

Father: Oh, they’re just a bunch of spoiled kids looking for a handout.”

Son: “They sound like a bunch of douche bags.”

THE END


(Comic) How Veterans Protesting Works

(Comic) How Veterans Protesting Works

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Police are lined up in front of a crowd of protesters. The police have their weapons aimed at the crowd. An unarmed man wearing an unbuttoned military uniform is standing between the police and the protesters.

Panel 1: A police officer shouts at the crowd, “I’m not telling you people again, you can’t be here if you don’t have a permit, and you can’t have a permit. So stop asking.”

Panel 2: The man in the military uniform says, “Everybody chill out. I got this. I’m an honorably discharged veteran. Me and my fellow troops have spent the last 10 years fighting to protect the freedoms of the American people.”

Panel 3: A police officer shoots the veteran in the head. There is blood, but the veteran is not dead. He’s only wounded.

Panel 4: The police officer who spoke earlier says, “Correction, you’ve been fighting for our freedoms.”

Panel 5: The veteran growls  and a little girl in the crowd of protesters asks, “Whatever happened to ‘Support the Troops?'”

THE END


(Comic) How Civilians Protesting Works

(Comic) How Civilians Protesting Works

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A crowd of protesters are loitering in front of Wall Street. A policeman approaches the
crowd.
NARRATOR
One day on Wall Street…
COP
What are you peopling doing here? Don’t you know it’s illegal for this many people to be in the
same place at the same time unless you’re buying something?
PROTESTOR
It’s cool. Don’t worry about it. We’re protesting against how billionaires have bought out the
government and used their backroom influence to create an unconscionable disparity of wealth
and power in this country.
COP
The correct way to go about having your voices heard in government is to vote between two
candidates whose campaigns are financed by billionaires.
PROTESTOR
Believe me. We’ve tried that…with predictable results. That’s our point. Our voices aren’t being
heard in government. You think we want to be sleeping on the streets?
COP
*sigh* fine. I’ll let you protest for a little while, but you have to do it quietly behind fences where
nobody will notice you.
PROTESTOR
…so we only have the freedom of speech as long as we speak in the most noncommittal way that
eliminates any leverage our voice could have?

COP
It either that or get beat, tazed, maced, arrested, fined and saddled with a criminal record.
PROTESTOR
But we haven’t broken any laws!
COP
We’ll cook up some excuse to arrest you.
PROTESTOR
So that’s the government’s official stance on people who protest against government corruption?
COP
That shouldn’t surprise you. The billionaires you’re protesting against just donated 4.6 million
dollars to our police force, and the president and the mayor are both in bed with them.
PROTESTOR
That just underscores how important it is for us to be protesting. We’re not going anywhere.
COP
Okay, but FYI, police are almost never held accountable for excessive use of force.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile in living rooms across the country…
SCENE: A man is sitting on his couch in a poor looking house. Faux News Network is playing on
the television.
MAN
I’ll just watch a little television to take my mind off the fact that I’m unemployed and my house
is being foreclosed on…

TELEVISION
The people responsible for the financial collapse have instructed us to inform you that pinheaded
anarchists are disturbing the peace on Wall Street. Hopefully, the police will teach those whiny
brats a lesson very soon.
MAN
Stupid protesters.

THE END


(Comic) How Freedom Works

(Comic) How Freedom Works

 

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An innocent looking little girl is standing in front of Congress talking to an elephant
and a donkey.
ELEPHANT AND DONKEY
Congratulations!!! You win!!! Hooray!!!
GIRL
What did I win?
ELEPHANT
You were born in the greatest country in the world!
DONKEY
And in all of history!!!
GIRL
Hooray for me! But why is it the best country ever?
ELEPHANT
It’s the land of the free and the home of the brave!
DONKEY
And it was created by the people, for the people!
GIRL
Well, I’ll just be getting on with my life and enjoying my freedom now. Bye.
ELEPHANT
Hold on. You’ll need to read the rulebook first.

DONKEY
Trust me. You do not want to break any of the rules.
NARRATOR
A little while later…
GIRL
I was reading your rulebook, and there were a lot of rules in there that I didn’t agree with…and
not just a little bit. Some of those rules seriously contradict my moral values, and some other
ones are blatantly illogical. Here, let me point out a few of the more glaring examples.
ELEPHANT
Hold it right there, terrorist! It works like this. You follow the rules we give you. If you don’t
then we lock you in prison for a long time, and after we let you out we tell everyone not to hire
you because you’re a bad person.
DONKEY
Just don’t treat your pets the way you were treated in prison or you’ll go to prison.
GIRL
I appreciate that you have a job to do, and it’s not easy keeping a nation in the balance between
order and anarchy, but I simply can’t honor any external laws that violate my core principles,
especially when you just said that this country was built by the people, for the people. If the
highest authority in the land is the people then I’m putting my foot down on this.
ELEPHANT
I don’t think you understand, we pay an army of well-armed, unquestioning mercenaries and
ideologues that can and will make you follow any rule we hand down to them.
GIRL
Where do you get the money for that?
DONKEY
About that…here’s the bill.

GIRL
What?! You want me to pay other people to force me to follow rules I don’t agree with and that
they might not even agree with?
ELEPHANT
We’re not asking anyone.
DONKEY
We’re telling you.
GIRL
I’m not going to finance my own oppression. I won’t pay.
ELEPHANT
Then you’re going to prison.
DONKEY
The rule book is very clear about this. It’s against the law not to pay us whatever we tell you that
you have to pay us.
GIRL
That’s the very definition of extortion! That’s stealing!
ELEPHANT
That’s not stealing. We build roads with that money too. You like roads don’t you?
GIRL
I’m old enough to know what a straw man argument is. The fact that I give you some of my
money to do the job I hired you to do doesn’t give you the right to claim more of my money to
finance terrorizing me.
ELEPHANT
Actually, we decide what we have the right to do.

DONKEY
That’s how being in power works.
GIRL
This system sucks. What do I have to do to change it?
ELEPHANT
Luckily we have the best system in the entire world to make sure you get what you want! Vote
for me. I’ll fix everything.
DONKEY
He said that before and he only made it worse. Vote for me and I’ll fix everything.
ELEPHANT
No! He said that before and he only made it worse. Vote for me and I’ll fix everything.
DONKEY
No! Vote for me and I’ll fix everything. Ha ha ha ha
GIRL
That’s it. I’m immigrating to another country.
ELEPHANT
In theory, you have that right, but seriously, we’ll see you next April.
DONKEY
We made it as hard as possible for the poor to leave any country.

THE END


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