Why Does It Have To Be So Hard To Retire?

There’s no one right way to success, but if you follow the steps below you should be able to retire happily and peacefully.

1. Be born in whatever country is currently the world superpower.

2. Be born a male and a member of the ethnic majority in that country.

3. Be born to well-educated, upper-class parents who have achieved a significant level of personal self-actualization

4. Have a healthy infancy. Be well nourished,  vaccinated and monitored. Have lots of positive interaction with both your parents.

5. During the first few years of your life, receive lots of positive conditioning training that teaches you to build confidence. Also, make sure your environment is tailored to your sensory input tolerance level.

6. Go to a solid elementary school that has minimal disciplinary problems and bases its curriculum and policies around best practices designed by a truly professional psychological organization that specializes in education.

7. Receive lots of emotional support during your puberty years. Be able to talk openly with a wide support network that will help you work through all your problems in a healthy, productive way.

8. Go to a well-funded high school with minimal disciplinary problems, a high-quality staff and a wide range of extracurricular activities with well-funded labs. Focus on your school work. Don’t let friends, fun, and dating distract you from your responsibilities.

9. Make time in your high school schedule to find meaningful entry-level work in the field you’re going to spend the rest of your life working in. Volunteer as an intern if you have to.

10. Graduate high school at the top of your class having won multiple prestigious awards in various extracurricular activities. Go to university for the next 8 years and have someone else pay for it all. Get a generous allowance, but keep doing low-level work in the field you’re studying. Let your supervisors know from the beginning that you are focusing like a laser on moving up the ladder in your industry.

11. Graduate with a doctorate degree and move straight into upper management if you’re not there already. Put yourself in a position in the industry where upper-class people would want to do you favors.

12. Employ the crash savings technique. Spend as little as possible to live healthily and save as much as possible. Don’t get in a relationship with anyone who makes less money than you, is crazy or unhealthy.

13. Invest in an IRA from the youngest age possible. Work for a company that has a secure 401k option that matches your contributions, and invest in it. Keep your spending money in a secure, high yield money market account instead of a regular checking/savings account.

14. Buy the smallest cheapest house you can as soon as you can afford to pay it off in 5 years. Stick to that schedule. Get a professional roommate immediately and start charging her rent.

15. Kiss up, back-stab, lie, cheat and grind your way up in the industry you work in for the next 60 years.

16. As you get closer to retirement, steadily transition your investments from high risk to low risk. Consider becoming a slum lord and hire a property management company to oversee your properties.

17. Equip your house with the latest self-sustainability technology and stop relying on or paying for utilities.

18. Keep a strong support network around you your entire life. Have regular meaningful contact with other people after retirement. Keep at least a semi-regular schedule. Mediate and do yoga. Play lots of video games, laugh often and get the best medical care money can buy.

Follow these simple steps and your life will turn out great. If you get knocked off track anywhere along the line, don’t expect to get any sympathy from the world around you. You’ve got a roadmap to success right here. If you don’t follow it to the letter, then any consequences you suffer as a result are nobody else’s fault but your own. Anyway, that’s the belief that gets pounded into the heads of billions of people who were born into unhealthy environments with little to no resources.

 All I’m saying is, imagine if you lived in a world where the retirement flow chart looked like this:

1: Be born in a country that doesn’t have an inhumane, predatory housing market.

2: Be born in a country that has free, equal access to all levels of education for everyone.

3: Have an automatic allotment set up at birth that covers all your taxes and investments so you never have to think about taxes or investments in your life ever.

4: Get a job working for a company that provides on-site housing and mandates a majority share of excess profits be divided among all the employees in the company.

5: Get a condo as part of your retirement package that you don’t have to pay any property taxes or fees on.

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