“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Each comic is 3 panels long. Each panel has the same black and white photo of two middle-aged Caucasian women wearing nice clothes from the early 1900’s.

COMIC #1

Woman #1: You know who I blame for all America’s problems?

Woman #2: No, who?

Woman#1: Those God damned Jews.

Woman #2: Dear, it’s not 1941 anymore. Haven’t you seen Shindler’s List? You can’t talk like that anymore.

Woman #1: Okay then, I blame the niggers.

Woman #2: It’s not 1951 anymore either. You can’t use the N-word!

Woman #1: Okay then, I blame the liberals.

Woman #2: I know, right? I’d never let my daughter date a fucking libtard!

 

COMIC #2

Woman #1: I can’t wait to get another Republican president.

Woman #2: Why’s that, dear?

Woman#1: Haven’t you seen the news in the past 4 years? The democratic president has been taking away people’s freedoms, screwing the blue collar class, killing innocent people and wasting tax payer money while grandstanding for other people’s accomplishments and taking record breaking vacations…But if a Republican were president we wouldn’t have to be so upset about him doing all those horrible things.

Woman #2: I know what will make you feel like a better person. Let’s go to church.

Woman #1: Then let’s go shopping!

 

COMIC #3

Woman #1: You know why I hate Obama most?

Woman #2: Why’s that dear?

Woman#1: Because he’s a Muslim. I never thought I’d live to see the day our president worships a false prophet. How is the president supposed to represent the 100% Christian population of America when he follows the teachings of a false prophet? The idea makes me want to vomit.

Woman #2: Would you ever vote for a Mormon? I mean, Joseph Smith was as much a false prophet as Mohammed.

Woman #1: Do I have any other choice?

Woman #2: Nope.

Woman #1: I guess a Mormon will do. I can’t be bothered to go too far out of my way to stand up for my principles.

 

COMIC #4

Woman #1: Have you looked at your taxes lately?

Woman #2: No. Never. I married into money, and my husband’s accountant takes care of all that.

Woman#1: Well, if you don’t vote Republican then your taxes are going to get raised!

Woman #2:  What will the government spend that money on?

Woman #1:  Social services like health care for our husband’s workers.

Woman #2: I’m not worried. If our taxes go up my husband will just lower his workers’ pay to cover the difference….just like every other time before.

 

COMIC #5

Woman #1: You know what got this country into the mess it’s in?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: Too many government regulations. Why can’t the government just get out of our lives and let the invisible hand of freedom guide us to happiness?

Woman #2: I know, right? Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go marry the woman of my dreams.

Woman #1: …over my dead body.

 

COMIC #6

Woman #1: You know what I love most about America?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: It was founded on the teachings of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ! What was that one thing Jesus said?

Woman #2: “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor and you will have treasure in Heaven?”

Woman #1: No. No. No. He said something else.

Woman #2: “Mercy is for the weak?”

Woman #1:  That’s the one.

 

COMIC #7

Woman #1: You remember when Obama tried to take away all our guns?

Woman #2: I sure do. I ain’t never been madder in my whole life…until last week.

Woman#1: What happened last week to make you so mad?

Woman #2: The government got caught selling guns to…

Woman #1: To who?

Woman #2: …someone other than me.

 

COMIC #8

Woman #1: Can you believe this bullshit about Obama using executive privilege?

Woman #2: I know, right? No Republican in history has ever used executive privilege. Fuck Obama. Fuck him in his stupid ass fucking ass.

Woman#1: Do you even know what executive privilege is?

Woman #2:  Nope.

Woman #1: Well, executive privilege is…

Woman #2: Come on. You know me. You don’t need to explain it. In fact, this is boring. Let’s talk about something else.

Woman #1: Fuck Obama for golfing.

Woman #2: Fuck him for wearing hats!

 

COMIC #9

Woman #1: Did you hear about those gay activists taking a picture of themselves flipping off a portrait of Ronald Reagan at the White House?

Woman #2: Can you believe the disrespect some people have for other people?

Woman#1: Say, I’ve got an idea. Let’s make flipping off pictures illegal.

Woman #2: …just like gay marriage!

Woman #1 and Woman #2: HAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!

 

COMIC #10

Woman #1: I just got done reading “The Jungle” by Upton Sinclair.

Woman #2: What was that about?

Woman#1: It’s about a dystopian future where unions and big government ruin everyone’s lives.

Woman #2: When was that written?

Woman #1: A long time ago.

Woman #2:  You’d think people would have learned by now.

Woman #1: You’d think.

 

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Each comic is 3 panels long. Each panel has the same black and white photo of two  middle aged Caucasian women wearing nice clothes from the early 1900’s.

 

COMIC #1

Woman #1: I saw a liberal douche bag on the internet criticizing conservatives for being judgemental hypocrites.

Woman #2: It never ceases to amaze me what colossal cock bags all liberals are.

Woman#1: Wait a minute. They’re judging us for judging them for judging us…for judging…my God! Maybe we’re the same!

Woman #2: No, dear. There’s one very important difference between us and them.

Woman #1: What’s that, dear?

Woman #2: We have guns.

 

COMIC # 2

Woman #1: You know what I hate most about liberals?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: They’re sheep. They just blindly follow their leaders with total faith no matter how obvious it is they’re being led over a cliff.

Woman #2: You know what I hate most about liberals?

Woman #1: What’s that, dear?

Woman #2: Well, it’s like Fox News says, liberals are unpatriotic traitors for…well, everything.

Woman #1: Amen!

 

COMIC # 3

Woman #1: I came home today, and my daughter had the most wretched poster taped to her bedroom wall.

Woman #2: What was it?

Woman#1: A quote that said, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” and some other socialist bullshit that I didn’t even bother reading.

Woman #2: What did you do?

Woman #1: I replaced it with my favorite quote, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

Woman #2: You’re an excellent mother.

 

COMIC # 4

Woman #1: You know what I hate most about Muslims?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: The way they subjugate women and make them wear burqas and hajibs. It’s blatant sexual oppression, but they try to pretend like they’re doing women a favor when everyone except the most deluded religious fanatic knows that’s bullshit.

Woman #2: I know, right? Well, I’m going to go sunbathe topless with the guys.

Woman #1: …over my dead body.

 

COMIC # 5

Woman #1: Did you hear this bullshit about Obama asking for campaign donations through gift registries?

Woman #2: No shit, right? Our Republican candidate hasn’t accepted one cent of campaign donations. So fuck Obama. Fuck him in his greedy fucking face!

Woman#1:  Uuuh. Actually, our Republican candidate has raised over $122 million in campaign contributions.

Woman #2: Oh…so what were we supposed to be mad about again?

Woman #1: We’re supposed to be mad about how he’s accepting campaign donations.

Woman #2: Yeah, fuck Obama for coming up with the idea of using gift registries first.

 

COMIC # 6

Woman #1: You know who I love more than anyone else in the world?

Woman #2: Who’s that, dear?

Woman#1: The troops! I bought more “support the troops” merchandise than anyone in the neighborhood.!

Woman #2: Then you should sign this petition to end the U.C.M.J, an unconscionable piece of legislation that strips the troops of their basic human rights and dignities and turns them into second class citizens in a psychopathic cult caste system.

Woman #1: …so basically what you’re saying is you don’t support the troops.

Woman #2: No. I’m saying the troops are victims and we need to save them from the military.

Woman #1: Fuck ’em. They knew what they were getting into when they signed up.

 

COMIC # 7

Woman #1: You know who I love just as much as Jesus?

Woman #2: Who’s that, dear?

Woman#1: The founding fathers of America. I hang on every word they said as if it were gospel.

Woman #2: Didn’t the founding fathers advocate separation of church and state?

Woman #1: Much like the gospel, I cherry pick which of the founding fathers’ ideas I embrace and which ones I reinterpret through my own values.

Woman #2: I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered if Jesus ever said anything about cognitive dissonance.

 

COMIC # 8

Woman #1: I’ve figured out how to solve all of America’s problems!

Woman #2: How’s that, dear?

Woman#1: If we lower the minimum wage and stop making the rich pay taxes then the rich will get richer. Then the wealth will trickle down, and everyone will be saved!

Woman #2: Where will the government get the money to run all the prisons?

Woman #1: We’ll just raise taxes on the poor and cut all their social services.

Woman #2: Let’s raise the cost of living too!

Woman #1: That’ll help even more!

Woman #2: The poor are going to be so happy.

 

COMIC # 9

Woman #1: You know what’s ruining this country?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: All these stupid, dirty, nasty, ugly, backwards German and Italian immigrants!

Woman #2: …wait, what?

Woman #1: ….er, I mean, Mexicans and Muslims.

Woman #2: That’s better.

 

COMIC # 10

Woman #1: You know what I love most about America?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: It’s the land of the free. Anyone can come here and become anything if they just want it bad enough. This country is a beacon of hope for humanity.

Woman #2: It’s a shame this great country is being ruined by people not thinking or acting like good, Christian conservatives.

Woman #1: We can fix that with a few more laws.

Woman #2: …and a few more prisons.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

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Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Each comic is 3 panels long. Each panel has the same black and white photo of two middle aged Caucasian women wearing nice clothes from the early 1900’s.

 

COMIC # 1

Woman #1: Do you remember that scene in “Schindler’s List” where Schindler gives that speech about how he could have saved more of his workers’ lives if he’d kept less money for himself?

Woman #2: I don’t know. I guess so. Why?

Woman#1: Well, do you think you would have given a similar speech if you were in the same situation?

Woman #2: Hell no! I would have told my workers if they wanted a better life they should have worked harder! I don’t believe in fucking hand outs!

Woman #1: Excellent. You’ve passed the right wing test. You are now one of us.

Woman #2: The circle is complete.

 

COMIC # 2

Woman #1: This morning my daughter asked me how you know if someone is a liberal.

Woman #2: And what did you tell her?

Woman#1: You spot a liberal the same way you spot a terrorist. They’re anyone who disagrees with you.

Woman #2: What did she say to that?

Woman #1: She said, “I get it. So liberals are a phantom enemy we should wage an unquestioning, endless holy war against.”

Woman #2: Your daughter is going to be such a productive member of society.

 

COMIC # 3

Woman #1: This morning my daughter asked why conservatives are against abortion but for the death penalty.

Woman #2: Oh? And what did you tell her?

Woman#1: …that fetuses aren’t black.

 

COMIC # 4

Woman #1: Do you think climate change is real?

Woman #2: Oh, you mean global warming? Come on. We both know science has thoroughly debunked that myth.

Woman#1: Do you believe the big bang and evolution are real?

Woman #2: Come on. We both know science is just theories.

Woman #1: So can we trust scientists?

Woman #2: Only the ones who confirm our biases.

 

COMIC # 5

Woman #1: Today my daughter asked me why she has to stand during the pledge of allegiance.

Woman #2: What did you tell her?

Woman#1: I took her to the veteran’s hospital and told her, “It’s your right not to stand for the pledge, but let me introduce you to some people who can’t stand because they fought for your freedom.”

Woman #2: What did she say about that?

Woman #1: She asked why she has to pledge unquestioning loyalty to the same government that I base my life around bitching about.

Woman #2: What did you do then?

Woman #1 I spanked the shit out of her for questioning my authority.

 

COMIC # 6

Woman #1: I told my maids and butlers that I expect them to hand out champaign at my Christmas party again.

Woman #2: Naturally.

Woman#1: But they said they wouldn’t do it unless I gave them overtime and holiday pay. One of them flat out refused!

Woman #2: My goodness! How did you react?

Woman #1: I refused, and I reminded them that that’s why they’re poor…because they’re just a bunch of lazy bums always looking for a hand out.

Woman #2: If only they could see you’re really helping them by not letting them become dependent.

 

COMIC # 7

Woman #1: Today my daughter asked me what a socialist is.

Woman #2: What did you tell her?

Woman#1: I told her a socialist is a failure who expects the government to redistribute the nation’s wealth to pad their pockets at everyone else’s expense.

Woman #2: What did she say about that?

Woman #1: She asked me why I defend C.E.O.s of big businesses so loyally if they’re all socialists. So I explained to her that C.E.O.s are job creators who can never be questioned. Then I kicked her unemployed ass out of the house.

 

COMIC # 8

Woman #1: Have you heard about the American Dream?

Woman #2: The American Dream? No, I’ve never heard of that before in my entire life, ever. Why?

Woman#1: Well, my daughter said she expected to get it.

Woman #2: What? Like for Christmas? Well get it for her! Get the latest model. It’ll make you look like a better parent than your neighbors.

Woman #1: No. No. No. Apparently the American Dream is the idea that you can expect a job with decent pay, an affordable home and a secure retirement.

Woman #2: Damn. Kids are such spoiled pieces of shit these days. Where did these self-entitled fuck wads get their values?

 

COMIC # 9

Woman #1: My daughter just got beat up by the police for standing up for her beliefs!

Woman #2: You see!?!? This is why we’re guaranteed the right to assemble and to bear arms!

Woman#1: …but…

Woman #2: This is why it’s every citizen’s duty to question authority and dissent to unlawful control! This country belongs to the people, not to…

Woman #1: She was at the Occupy Wall Street protest.

Woman #2: Oh…stupid, ungrateful hippie. She got what she deserved.

 

COMIC # 10

Woman #1: I just heard about this fucked up thing that happened…

Woman #2: You see!?!? It’s those fucking liberals’ fault. They’re always fucking up everything, and just when you think things can’t get any worse they fuck it up even more.

Woman#1: …but…

Woman #2: I swear, one more thing like this happens and I’m just going to snap. I don’t know how much more I can take. I mean, when are the liberals going to realize how bad they’re fucking everything up?!?!

Woman #1: …but I haven’t even said what happened.

Woman #2: I honestly don’t care.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

COMIC #1

Woman #1: Would you like to hear my one-point plan to end poverty?

Woman #2: Sure thing, dear.

Woman#1: End welfare!

Woman #2: Do you have any other thoughts on the causes of poverty or how to rectify them?

Woman #1: …not until Fox News tells them to me.

 

COMIC #2

Woman #1: I figured out how to end poverty!

Woman #2: How’s that, dear?

Woman#1: The poor should want to work degrading, dead-end jobs in sweat shops as disposable wage slaves.

Woman #2: How does that end poverty?

Woman #1: Well…if nobody complains then there isn’t a problem.

 

COMIC #3

Woman #1: My daughter tried to start telling me some liberal bullshit the other day.

Woman #2: What did you do?

Woman#1: I called her a stupid libtard and started reciting talking points I’d heard on the Fox News echo chamber.

Woman #2: Did that shut her up?

Woman #1: No! She just kept telling me facts and statistics that contradicted everything I said!

Woman #2: Damn. Libtards are so closed minded. They never listen.

COMIC #4

Woman #1: The resort I spent the last week at charged me $7 for a soda. They should be arrested for extortion!

Woman #2: Whoa, hold on. You can’t make a categorical imperative out of that.

Woman#1: Why’s that?

Woman #2: Competition always drives down the price of goods in an unregulated market.

Woman #1: That makes perfect sense! Now I love paying $7 for a soda!

Woman #2: And so should people without $7.

 

COMIC #5

Woman #1: You know who I love more than anyone else in the world?

Woman #2: Your children of course.

Woman#1: You know who I hate more than anyone else in the world?

Woman #2: Who’s that, dear?

Woman #1: Their school teachers.

Woman #2: Why do you hate them so much?

Woman #1 Well, someone has to take responsibility for my complete failure as a parent.

 

COMIC #6

Woman #1: My daughter is so naive. She said it’s self evident that all humans are equal and should be guaranteed equal rights, privileges and dignities.

Woman #2: So she thinks men, women, gays, politicians, enlisted troops, military officers, police officers, felons, foreigners, children and the elderly should all be guaranteed the exact same legal  rights, privileges and dignities?

Woman#1: “100% equality” were her exact words.

Woman #2: What fucking country does she think she lives in?

Woman #1: Fucking fantasy land, apparently.

 

COMIC #7

Woman #1: I saw this lady in a nurse’s uniform standing in the welfare line. Right across the street was a fruit farm that was hiring.

Woman #2: I said, “Hey, lazy ass. Why don’t you go pick fruit for minimum wage and no benefits?”

Woman#1: She asked me why I didn’t go do demeaning work for demeaning pay.

Woman #2: What did you tell her?

Woman #1: I told her that kind of work is beneath trust fund babies who married into old money.

 

COMIC #8

Woman #1: Do you think if customer service jobs paid a living wage and didn’t treat workers like second class citizens then more welfare recipients would take those jobs?

Woman #2: Hmmm. I never thought about it that in depth before.

Woman#1: …and?

Woman #2: …and I’m never going to.

 

COMIC #9

Woman #1: Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Woman #2: Please, God. Please make her be quiet.

Caption: Many years later…

Woman#1: Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Caption: Until one day…

Woman #1: Oh Fuck! Everybody run! There’s a fucking wolf!

Woman #2: Dear lord, thank you for these ear plugs.

Wolf: Grrrrrrrrr.

 

COMIC #10

Woman #1: You know, the Supreme Court is supposed to be the most objective, wise body of lawmakers in the universe, but every time we have a democratic president he stacks it with liberal judges.

Woman #2: It’s unethical. It’s a conflict of interests, abuse of power, and it defeats half the purpose of having a supreme court.

Woman#1: I know, right? I can’t wait until we get a few more Republican presidents…so they can stack the Supreme Court with extreme right wing leaning judges.

Woman #2: …for life.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

 

COMIC # 1

Woman #1:  Do you want to know the cornerstone of my political philosophy?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: Fiscal responsibility! I don’t want the government to spend one cent more than it absolutely has to.

Woman #2:  Are you saying we should reduce the size of our excessively gargantuan military then?

Woman #1: Well, does the military kill poor people?

Woman #2: Yep.

Woman #1: Then it’s a justified expense.

 

COMIC # 2

Woman #1: The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms so the civilian population can fight off tyranny if its government ever turns on its own people.

Woman #2: But do you support the troops?

Woman#1: Hells Yeah! Nobody better ever question the military or cut a penny out of the defense budget!

Woman #2:  Hmmm. Remind me again how you’re going to fight the world’s largest and most advanced military with a few pistols and a shotgun?

Woman #1: …Uhhhhhhh….

Woman #2:  Take your time, dear.

 

COMIC # 3

Woman #1: I’m mad as hell at how every liberal in the country fully supports that one corrupt thing that one corrupt democratic politician did that one time.

Woman #2: Do they really?

Woman#1: Well, probably. They’re all retards after all.

Woman #2:  Do you get mad as hell every time every conservative in the country supports every corrupt thing every Republican politician ever does?

Woman #1: Do you mean, do I hate patriotism? No, dumbass.

 

COMIC # 4

Woman #1: Did you hear how the Democrats want to give everything away for free to everyone without anyone ever having to work or pay for anything?

Woman #2: …No…because that never happened.

Woman#1: …I’m just going to keep saying it though.

Woman #2:  We know, dear. We know.

 

COMIC # 5

Woman #1: You know what my two favorite things in the world are?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: My guns and my Bible!

Woman #2:  What kind of gun did Jesus own?

Woman #1: Dumbass. Everybody knows Jesus didn’t own a gun.

Woman #2: And why didn’t he own a gun?

Woman #1: …because they hadn’t been invented yet. Duh.

 

COMIC # 6

Woman #1: Well, dear. I hate to say it, but I’m moving to New Zealand.

Woman #2: Why the fuck would you ever want to leave the greatest country on earth?

Woman#1: It’s just that New Zealand requires you to pass a psychiatric exam before you’re allowed to own a gun.

Woman #2:  Fuck that bullshit! Nobody’s taking my guns! Not over my dead body! I’ll kill any mother fucker who tries! You do not want to fuck with me! I’m not fucking around here! I swear to fucking Christ! Don’t tread on me! Wooooo!

Woman #1: Yeah, so….I’ll send you a postcard.

 

COMIC # 7

Woman #1: Liberals are such hypocritical, fascist pig fuckers!

Woman #2: What did they do this time, dear?

Woman#1: They just keep asking questions about the Republican presidential candidate. It’s like they want to know everything about him. It’s crazy!

Woman #2:  How did you think political elections worked?

Woman #1: Don’t you get sassy with me, missy.

Woman #2: Here, I’ve got a tissue in my purse.

 

COMIC # 8

Woman #1: You know what I hate more than anything else in the world?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: Government mandated redistribution of wealth!

Woman #2:  What do you love more than anything else in the world?

Woman #1: A brutally regressive tax code!

 

COMIC # 9

Woman #1: I really fucking hate how liberals…

Woman #2: Can we please talk about something else?

Woman#1: No.

 

COMIC # 10

Woman #1: America is a Christian nation and always has been!

Woman #2: …said no Native American ever.

Woman#1:  They don’t count.

Woman #2:  Why is that, dear?

Woman #1: Because they’re heathens. That’s why.

Woman #2: Ah, I see how this works.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

COMIC # 1

Woman #1: I hate everyone who isn’t exactly like me so much I’ll literally deny them the same human rights as me, and I’ll constantly advocate killing them.

Woman #2: You scare me sometimes.

Woman#1:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGAGHAGHAGHAGH! You have no right to judge me!

 

COMIC # 2

Woman #1: Did you hear about that time Obama gave a bunch of tax payers’ money to those corrupt big businesses?

Woman #2: I sure did. There’s only one other time I’ve ever been that mad in my entire life!

Woman#1:  When was that, dear?

Woman #2:  That time Obama tried to lower the taxes the owners and C.E.O.s of those corrupt businesses have to pay.

 

COMIC # 3

Woman #1: I read on the internet that Republicans and Democrats are just different sides of the same coin, and demonizing one group really accomplishes nothing but distracting attention from the real source of the problem: the systemic corruption of the American political system, particularly campaign finance contributions and lobbying….are you even listening to me?

Woman #2: Huh? Yeah, sure. You said all Democrats are demons.

 

COMIC # 4

Woman #1: Did you hear that hate-filled vitriolic rant that one liberal shock jock was spewing about conservatives on the radio this morning?

Woman #2: I sure did. When is the persecution of conservatives ever going to end?

Woman#1:  What was that D.J.’s name again?

Woman #2:  Uuhhhhhh. I can’t remember his name off the top of my head.

Woman #1: That’s because he doesn’t exist.

 

COMIC # 5

Woman #1: Did you hear about this new presidential candidate who wants to remove all government regulations that prevent the 1% from screwing the 99%?

Woman #2: No, but I’m totally voting for him now!

Woman#1:  Tricked you! He calls himself a Libertarian, not a Republican.

Woman #2:  Damn! Oh well. The Republican party is still endorsing a candidate from the 1%, right?

Woman #1: Yeah, but he’s a Mormon who follows a false prophet…and he lacks confidence.

Woman #2: Damn! Voting would have been so much easier if Obama would have just called himself a Republican.

 

COMIC # 6

Woman #1: You seem sad, dear. What’s the matter?

Woman #2: I can’t figure out who I hate more: Obama or the Occupy Wall Street Protesters.

Woman#1:  Didn’t Obama quietly consent to all the blood and tears the police beat out of the Occupy Wall Street protesters’ faces?

Woman #2:  Oh God! I don’t know what to believe anymore. How can I hate a man after my own heart?

Woman #1: Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think.

 

COMIC # 7

Woman #1: Want to hear a joke?

Woman #2: Sure thing, dear.

Woman#1:  What’s more important: The environment or corporate profits?

Woman #2:  AHAHAAHAAAHAHAAHA!

Woman #1:  It’s funny because it’s a trick question. Nothing is more important than corporate profits!

 

COMIC # 8

Woman #1: You know who the most persecuted group in America is?

Woman #2: Homosexuals, prostitutes, drug addicts, illegal immigrants, anyone who looks remotely Middle Eastern, felons, dishonorably discharged veterans, people without college degrees, entry level customer service workers, Native Americans, anyone who lives in the ghetto, atheists living in the Bible Belt? Am I close?

Woman#1:  Nope. It’s conservative Christians.

Woman #2:  Ah, how did I miss that?

Woman #1: I don’t know. It’s a statistical fact.

 

COMIC # 9

Woman #1: So I was cramming my religious beliefs down this atheist’s throat the other day.

Woman #2: …as usual…

Woman#1:  When all of a sudden he told me Christianity is mythology and I should stop wasting my life believing in easily falsifiable, primitive fairy tales!

Woman #2:  How judgemental! Atheists should respect other people’s rights to have their own beliefs.

Woman #1: I told him that. I also told him he’s going to burn in hell for all eternity.

Woman #2: Yep. That’s what happens if you don’t believe in zombies.

 

COMIC # 10

Woman #1: You know what I hate most about Obama?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1:  Every time anyone complains about him legitimately screwing up…he pulls the race card to deflect valid criticism!

Woman #2:  You know what I hate most about Obama?

Woman #1: What’s that, dear?

Woman #2: He looks like a monkey.

 

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: I just found out the name of the politician who is going to represent me in government!

Lady #2: What’s his platform, dear?

Lady #1: He’s not really saying.

Lady #2: Tell me everything about his past then.

Lady #1: He says its nitpicky to ask.

Lady #2: How do you know he’s going to represent you if you don’t know what he stands for?

Lady #1: The television said that anyone who doesn’t have unquestioning faith in him is naive and ungrateful.

Lady #2: Well, if they said it on television then it must be true I suppose.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I read this self-help book about arguing to help me argue with libtards on the internet.

Lady #2: What did it say, dear?

Lady #1: …that if you have to yell to win an argument you’re probably wrong, and the first person to make a personal attack isn’t arguing for truth but rather to avoid listening.

Lady #2: …well, fuck.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: My favorite president of all time is Ronald Reagan!

Lady #2: Why is that, dear?

Lady #1: Well…

Lady #2: What would you say if I told you I don’t actually know why?

Lady #1: …that I’m not surprised.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: Who’s the better role model, Ayn Raynd or Jesus Christ?

Lady #2: When I was younger I would have said Jesus, but now that I’m older and wiser I realize Jesus was embarrassingly naive.

Lady #1: How’s that, dear?

Lady #2: Every enlightened, modern conservative understands that sociopathic selfishness is the key to job creation and thus prosperity for all…though I do agree with what Jesus said about servants obeying their masters.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: The conservative presidential candidate just chose his vice president!

Lady #2: What’s he like?

Lady #1: Well, he’s from Congress. So it really goes without saying that he’s a soulless corporate sell out.

Lady #2: I’m going to go tell everyone to call him “The people’s hero.” If anyone criticizes anything he’s legitimately done wrong yell at them and call them irrationally biased.

Lady #1: What if they back up their claims with evidence?

Lady #2: Just keep yelling at them until they realize it’s pointless to argue with you.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: Sometimes I write I like to tell liberals what I learned from watching Fox News by posting comments on chat forums, but my comments always get torn apart by thousands of libtards.

Lady #2: I’ll tell you why that happens. Everyone on the internet is under 25 years old. Yep. When people get older and wiser they naturally evolve into conservatives. It’s the circle of life.

Lady #1: If only truth were determined by the number of times you say something and how loud you say it.

Lady #2: You know, a lot of young people these days are saying it isn’t…apparently there’s

Lady #1: Apparently there’s little hope for the future.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: I’m a fiscal conservative, which means I’m against big government and all the wasteful spending that comes along with it.

Lady #2: So you want to downsize the military, the T.S.A., C.I.A., N.S.A., F.B.I., Homeland Security and all the other government agencies that intrude into our lives? What about eliminating subsidies for failing businesses, tax breaks and tax loop holes for the wealthy that all have to paid for by someone?

Lady #1: Damnit. Those are all things I love. I guess I shouldn’t call myself a fiscal conservative.

Lady #2: …but that’s not going to stop you, is it dear?

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1: I reserve the right to real all your E-mails, listen to all your telephone calls and track all your internet data.

Lady #2: Why is that, dear?

Lady #1: If you don’t have anything to hide there isn’t anything to worry about. So there’s no reason to even ask…unless you’re hiding something.

Lady #2: I’ll agree on one condition. Let me see your tax returns for the past ten years.

Lady #1: Bitch, I don’t owe you shit, and fuck you for asking.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: All my friends and I ate at Chick-Fil-A to show our solidarity with the company, and we helped them break their sales record!

Lady #2: What do you and Chick-Fil-A have in common?

Lady #1: We’re against equal rights!

Lady #2: What!!!

Lady #1: Naw, it’s cool. We’re against equal rights for homosexuals.

Lady #2: Oh, well that’s okay then.

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: Do you believe in the Book of Mormon?

Lady #2:  Obviously, no.

Lady #1: Really? Why not?

Lady #2: It was written by a known con artist and contains factually inaccurate statements. It’s blatantly mythology. It’s not real.

Lady #1: Hmmm. What do you call it when you believe in something that isn’t real? Well?

Lady #1: …

Lady #2: Well?

Lady #1: I believe it’s called being entitled to your own opinion.

 

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

COMIC #1

Woman #1: Everyone who disagrees with me is biased.

Woman #2: What you just said is the god damned definition of bias.

Woman#1: I’m sorry. I can’t hear you, because I don’t listen to people who are biased.

 

COMIC #2

Woman #1: Did you hear Obama wants to take our guns away?

Woman #2: Really? I remember when we were bitching about that like three years ago, but I thought that myth had been thoroughly debunked years ago.

Woman#1: Since when has the truth stopped us from freaking out and bitching about anything?

Woman #2: Good point. Fuck Obama for trying to take our guns away.

 

COMIC #3

Woman #1: Obamacare was objectively a failure of the American political process.

Woman #2: …and?

Woman#1: … and it passed because we shut down any objective conversation about it by shouting nonsensical bullshit about Obama being a socialist. It makes me wonder how many other bad things have happened on our watch because we just shouted until the clock ran out.

Woman #2: That sounds like socialist talk to me.

 

COMIC #4

Woman #1: Obama was such a lame president. He didn’t accomplish shit.

Woman #2: To be fair though, Republicans in Congress vowed to never let him accomplish anything, and they held America hostage sticking to that promise.

Woman#1: But they wouldn’t have had to if Obama would have just done everything they wanted.

Woman #2: That’s so true. I guess Obama really has nobody to blame but himself.

 

COMIC #5

Woman #1: I’ve got a great idea! Let’s make it illegal for prisoners to have pornography!

Woman #2: Prisoners already aren’t allowed to have pornography.

Woman#1: Well, shit. I’m out of ideas on how to turn the victims of the war on drugs into deranged animals.

Woman #2: Let’s put 100 prisoners to each cell!

 

COMIC #6

Woman #1: We’ve bullied the Mexicans for so long and so hard that they won’t work in our fruit fields anymore!

Woman #2: We should hire American Republicans. They’re the hardest working people in the world.

Woman#1: …but they’re entitled to minimum wage and benefits.

Woman #2: I never thought I’d live to see the day when Republicans were as self-entitled as libtards.

Woman #1: These are sad times indeed.

 

COMIC #7

Woman #1: I’ve got a joke. What’s the primary cause of poverty in the world?

Woman #2: I don’t know. *snicker* *snicker*

Woman#1: The rich getting richer!

Woman #2: Hahahahaah! It’s funny because it’s true!

Woman #1: And we know it!

 

COMIC #8

Woman #1: I can’t believe how badly Obama screwed up on saying whether or not terrorists were responsible for burning down that embassy in Libya.

Woman #2: Did Obama ever even personally go to Libya or gather intelligence?

Woman#1: That’s not his job, dear.

Woman #2: So why are we bitching about semantics and things Obama really had nothing to do with?

Woman #1: Because fuck it. That’s why.

 

COMIC #9

Woman #1: Did you know 47% of Americans are lazy, worthless bums?

Woman #2: That’s the most retarded, baseless thing I’ve ever heard.

Woman#1: But a Republican presidential candidate said it, and he was talking about libtards.

Woman #2: Oh, well then it must be true.

 

COMIC #10

Woman #1: Would you like to hear my one-point plan for balancing America’s budget?

Woman #2: What is it, dear?

Woman#1: Remove any pretense that corporations control America.

Woman #2: How’s that going to balance the budget?

Woman #1: It won’t, but we won’t have to keep pretending like we give a shit about balancing the budget.

Woman #2: Genius.

 

COMIC #11

Woman #1: Did you see the last presidential debate?

Woman #2: No, dear. Did I miss anything interesting?

Woman#1: All they talked about was the need for campaign finance reform.

Woman #2: WHAT!?!?

Woman #1: Just kidding. They never mentioned a word about it.

Woman #2: Lordy, Lordy. You gave me a fright there for a moment.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: You remember when there was a Republican president in office, and we kept screaming about how anyone who questions the president is an evil traitor?

Lady #2: …like it was yesterday.

Lady #1: Then do you remember how after a Democrat president got elected we spent the next 8 years screaming about how the president is the devil and we should revolt against the government?

Lady #2: Of course. That’s practically all we talk about these days.

Lady #1: Do you think when there’s another Republican president we’ll go back to screaming about how it’s immoral to question him?

Lady #2: That’s a silly question. Why would we do anything differently?

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I love corporations and hate politicians more than anything else in the world.

Lady #2: Don’t corporations control all the politicians through campaign financing and lobbyists?

Lady #1: Of course, that’s their God given right.

Lady #2: So you hate the puppet and love the master?

Lady #1: Lordy. Lordy. Don’t nobody better say nothing bad about thu mastah!

Lady #2: Good girl. You get a treat.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: Remind me again why we’re so passionate about gun rights.

Lady #2: It’s out God given right to kill people.

Lady #1: Just to be clear though, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Right.

Lady #2: Yes…with guns.

Lady #1: Right. Why do we want to use guns to kill people again?

Lady #2: To stop them from taking away our right to kill people with guns.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: What’s more important than ending poverty?

Lady #2: I know the answer. It’s upholding the right to own automatic weapons that were invented by militaries to kill as many people as quickly as possible.

Lady #1: And why is that more important than ending poverty?

Lady #2: Because whatever the person with the gun says is most important…is most important.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: Saying that we don’t need guns to protect ourselves because we have the police is like saying we don’t need fire extinguishers because we have the fire department.

Lady #2: Right. Everyone should own a gun to protect them from… Wait. What are we protecting ourselves from again?

Lady #1: …from all those psychos buying assault rifles at pawn shops, obviously.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: “I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.”

Lady #2: How lovely. Did you come up with that yourself?

Lady #1: No. My hero, Margaret Thatcher, said that.

Lady #2: So…she’s saying we should stop calling people we disagree with, “libtards?”

Lady #1: Hmmmmm…..no.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: I love Biblical laws so much that I want them to be federal laws, and I’m going to hate on anyone who disagrees.

Lady #2: HOLY SHIT!!!

Lady #1: What????

Lady #2: What about all the Biblical laws that would inconvenience us? Are you going to rage about how they should be forced onto the entire population and spit at people who disagree with them?

Lady #1: I was just going to quietly ignore those.

Lady #2: Ah, lovely.

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1: What’s a bigger problem than poverty?

Lady #2: Easy. Illegal immigration. We’ve got to stop all these poor Mexicans from risking a dangerous journey across the border to work at inhumane jobs for less than a living wage.

Lady #1: I’m confused. Do we want to stop them because we’re trying to help them or…

Lady #2: Wait. No, that’s not what I meant.

Lady #1: Too late. You said you wanted to help people.

Lady #2: Did not!

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: Libtards want this country to be just like Denmark, Sweden or Switzerland. Well I say if you don’t like this country exactly how it is you should just leave.

Lady #2: Okay, well let’s pass laws that make it almost effortless for anyone to emigrate out of the country.

Lady #1: But then what would stop the educated elite or the working wage slave from moving to a country with an objectively higher quality of living?

Lady #2: Nothing.

Lady #1: Yeaaaah. Never mind.

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: I’ve been thinking about a new slogan that sums up our political views.

Lady #2: What have you come up with?

Lady #1: “Keep the government out of our boardrooms and inside your bedrooms.”

Lady #2: Maybe you could just leave out that last part that admits we want to take away people’s freedom to be different than us.

Lady #1: Seriously!f? How much longer do we have to keep pretending?

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points. 

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: As a Conservative Christian woman I’m outraged that America is giving billions of dollars of aid to Israel to help them exterminate the Palestinians.

Lady #2: Don’t you mean you’re outraged that America is giving food stamps to workers who aren’t paid enough to survive?

Lady #1: Oh yeah. That’s what I meant.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I absolutely love the idea of forcing people to pay for health insurance the same way we force people to buy car insurance. Mitt Romney was a genius for thinking of that. God, I wish he could have been president.

Lady #2: That’s exactly the same as Obama’s Affordable Care Act.

Lady #1: Obama is a liberal Democrat, right?

Lady #2: That’s what he calls himself.

Lady #1: AAAGH! I hate forcing people to buy health insurance more than anything else in the world! …but I’m not going to complain about the care insurance thing.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: I hate the government and our political leaders so much I constantly advocate violently overthrowing them.

Lady #2: But do you support the troops who defend our government and political leaders you hate so much?

Lady #1: I’ll kick anyone in the balls who doesn’t support the troops. All praise be to them.

Lady #2: Okay, I’m not saying don’t support the troops, but yo do realize what a woefully confused hypocrite you are, right?

Lady #1: No. And I never will.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: I ride into the church parking lot every Sunday on a donkey just like Jesus would if he were alive today.

Lady #2: I didn’t know BMW made a car called “donkey.”

Lady #1: That’s what I call my 5-series model to make my husband feel guilty for not buying me a 7-series.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: I don’t support food stamps, accessible health care or raising the minimum wage.

Lady #2: So… how do you expect our workers to survive?

Lady #1: Hey, I didn’t make my fortune by giving a shit about the people who earned it for me.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: As a Christian I’m cringing at the upcoming war on Christmas we have every year nowadays.

Lady #2: I know I can’t believe how anyone couldn’t appreciate how the Catholic church lied about December 25th being Jesus’s birthday in a thinly veiled attempt at co-opting a Pagan holiday… or how Christmas is now one giant celebration of wasteful, selfish consumerism in direct contradiction of everything Jesus stood for.

Lady #1: God damnit. You’re not supposed to think about it that deeply.

Lady #2: Honey, that’s just scratching the surface. Don’t even get me started on Santa.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: We need to do something drastic about the single greatest cause of suffering and misery in this country!

Lady #2: You’re referring to unchecked economic inequality, right?

Lady #1: What? No. I’m talking about the gays.

Lady #2: Oh, yeah. I forgot about how they were making all those children go hungry.

Comic # 8

Lady #1: Since it’s Veteran’s Day I just have to ask, do you support the troops?

Lady #2: Fuck yeah!

Lady #1: Do you support the gays?

Lady #2: Fuck no!

Lady #1: So… what about the gay troops?

Lady #2: God damnit. Let me keep pretending they don’t exist and haven’t made countless sacrifices in my name while I deny them their freedom and dignity.

Lady #1 Okay.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: On this Veteran’s Day I’d just like to thank all the troops who protect our freedom.

Lady #2: And I’d like to thank all the police officers who beat the shit out of the Occupy Wallstreet protestors, locked people up with rapists and murders for smoking weed, fined them for not buying auto insurance, took away their property for not paying taxes, arrested them for drinking or peeing in public, frisked them at the airport and shot and killed unarmed civilians after breaking into the wrong house.

Lady #1: Are you being sarcastic?

Lady #2: …

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: I just can’t stand how blatantly biased Fox News is and how it panders to the Conservative base promoting the Republican agenda.

Lady #2: Don’t you mean you hate how “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” often expresses a viewpoint you disagree with yet you overlook every instance where they criticize Democratic politicians?

Lady #1: Er, yeah. That’s what I meant.

Lady #2: That’s what I thought you meant.

Comic # 11

Lady #1: I can’t decide what I hate most about president Barack Hussein Obama…

Lady #2: Oh?

Lady #1: …whether he’s a commie socialist who wants to redistribute the wealth from the ultra-wealthy to the poorest of the poor or he wants to take away all of our guns.

Lady #2: Since he took office haven’t the rich gotten richer and the poor gotten poorer and nobody lost their guns?

Lady #1: Well, yeah. There’s that, but you still have to admit that he’s a poor-loving, gun-hating butt hole.

Lady #2: Uhhhh. I guess.

 

Comic # 12

Lady #1: I fucking hate how illegal Mexican immigrants can come to America and sit on their asses collecting welfare and enjoying free health care and being supported by hard working Americans’ tax dollars.

Lady #2: You mean the same illegal Mexican immigrants who work for 13 hours per day in scalding hot fruit farms for less than half of minimum wage and live in overheated conex trailers and can’t see a doctor for fear of being deported while paying sales tax on everything they buy?

Lady #1: Yeah, I’m talking about those entitled mooching ass holes.

Lady #2: Wow. If that’s your definition of an entitled moocher then what constitutes a justified hard worker?

Lady #1: Trophy wives like me.

 

Comic # 13

Lady #1: There are some people who don’t want science classes in public schools to teach that the first humans on earth appeared instantaneously in a magic garden in the Middle East guarded by a flying, flaming sword where they were tricked by a talking snake into eating a magic apple causing every subsequent human to have to slaughter animals to buy God’s forgiveness until God magically impregnated himself into a woman in order to come to earth to kill himself in order to forgive his children who he loves unconditionally. I mean, how arrogant and unscientific is it not to believe that?

Lady #2: Yeah, it’s just unbelievable that anyone wouldn’t accept all that as flat fact or want every child to e told that’s a realistic explanation of life.

Lady #1: I know, right? And since when did science have to be backed up by objective, peer-reviewed evidence?

Lady #2: It’s all part of Satan’s plan to keep us from giving all of our money to the church.