“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.
Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:
#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14
Each comic is 3 panels long. Each panel has the same black and white photo of two middle-aged Caucasian women wearing nice clothes from the early 1900’s.
Woman #1: You know who I blame for all America’s problems?
Woman #2: No, who?
Woman#1: Those God damned Jews.
Woman #2: Dear, it’s not 1941 anymore. Haven’t you seen Shindler’s List? You can’t talk like that anymore.
Woman #1: Okay then, I blame the niggers.
Woman #2: It’s not 1951 anymore either. You can’t use the N-word!
Woman #1: Okay then, I blame the liberals.
Woman #2: I know, right? I’d never let my daughter date a fucking libtard!
Woman #1: I can’t wait to get another Republican president.
Woman #2: Why’s that, dear?
Woman#1: Haven’t you seen the news in the past 4 years? The democratic president has been taking away people’s freedoms, screwing the blue collar class, killing innocent people and wasting tax payer money while grandstanding for other people’s accomplishments and taking record breaking vacations…But if a Republican were president we wouldn’t have to be so upset about him doing all those horrible things.
Woman #2: I know what will make you feel like a better person. Let’s go to church.
Woman #1: Then let’s go shopping!
Woman #1: You know why I hate Obama most?
Woman #2: Why’s that dear?
Woman#1: Because he’s a Muslim. I never thought I’d live to see the day our president worships a false prophet. How is the president supposed to represent the 100% Christian population of America when he follows the teachings of a false prophet? The idea makes me want to vomit.
Woman #2: Would you ever vote for a Mormon? I mean, Joseph Smith was as much a false prophet as Mohammed.
Woman #1: Do I have any other choice?
Woman #2: Nope.
Woman #1: I guess a Mormon will do. I can’t be bothered to go too far out of my way to stand up for my principles.
Woman #1: Have you looked at your taxes lately?
Woman #2: No. Never. I married into money, and my husband’s accountant takes care of all that.
Woman#1: Well, if you don’t vote Republican then your taxes are going to get raised!
Woman #2: What will the government spend that money on?
Woman #1: Social services like health care for our husband’s workers.
Woman #2: I’m not worried. If our taxes go up my husband will just lower his workers’ pay to cover the difference….just like every other time before.
Woman #1: You know what got this country into the mess it’s in?
Woman #2: What’s that, dear?
Woman#1: Too many government regulations. Why can’t the government just get out of our lives and let the invisible hand of freedom guide us to happiness?
Woman #2: I know, right? Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go marry the woman of my dreams.
Woman #1: …over my dead body.
Woman #1: You know what I love most about America?
Woman #2: What’s that, dear?
Woman#1: It was founded on the teachings of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ! What was that one thing Jesus said?
Woman #2: “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor and you will have treasure in Heaven?”
Woman #1: No. No. No. He said something else.
Woman #2: “Mercy is for the weak?”
Woman #1: That’s the one.
Woman #1: You remember when Obama tried to take away all our guns?
Woman #2: I sure do. I ain’t never been madder in my whole life…until last week.
Woman#1: What happened last week to make you so mad?
Woman #2: The government got caught selling guns to…
Woman #1: To who?
Woman #2: …someone other than me.
Woman #1: Can you believe this bullshit about Obama using executive privilege?
Woman #2: I know, right? No Republican in history has ever used executive privilege. Fuck Obama. Fuck him in his stupid ass fucking ass.
Woman#1: Do you even know what executive privilege is?
Woman #2: Nope.
Woman #1: Well, executive privilege is…
Woman #2: Come on. You know me. You don’t need to explain it. In fact, this is boring. Let’s talk about something else.
Woman #1: Fuck Obama for golfing.
Woman #2: Fuck him for wearing hats!
Woman #1: Did you hear about those gay activists taking a picture of themselves flipping off a portrait of Ronald Reagan at the White House?
Woman #2: Can you believe the disrespect some people have for other people?
Woman#1: Say, I’ve got an idea. Let’s make flipping off pictures illegal.
Woman #2: …just like gay marriage!
Woman #1 and Woman #2: HAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!
Woman #1: I just got done reading “The Jungle” by Upton Sinclair.
Woman #2: What was that about?
Woman#1: It’s about a dystopian future where unions and big government ruin everyone’s lives.
Woman #2: When was that written?
Woman #1: A long time ago.
Woman #2: You’d think people would have learned by now.
Woman #1: You’d think.