(Comic) Two Conservative Ladies #7

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

Comic # 1

Lady #1: I just found out the name of the politician who is going to represent me in government!

Lady #2: What’s his platform, dear?

Lady #1: He’s not really saying.

Lady #2: Tell me everything about his past then.

Lady #1: He says its nitpicky to ask.

Lady #2: How do you know he’s going to represent you if you don’t know what he stands for?

Lady #1: The television said that anyone who doesn’t have unquestioning faith in him is naive and ungrateful.

Lady #2: Well, if they said it on television then it must be true I suppose.

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I read this self-help book about arguing to help me argue with libtards on the internet.

Lady #2: What did it say, dear?

Lady #1: …that if you have to yell to win an argument you’re probably wrong, and the first person to make a personal attack isn’t arguing for truth but rather to avoid listening.

Lady #2: …well, fuck.

Comic # 3

Lady #1: My favorite president of all time is Ronald Reagan!

Lady #2: Why is that, dear?

Lady #1: Well…

Lady #2: What would you say if I told you I don’t actually know why?

Lady #1: …that I’m not surprised.

Comic # 4

Lady #1: Who’s the better role model, Ayn Raynd or Jesus Christ?

Lady #2: When I was younger I would have said Jesus, but now that I’m older and wiser I realize Jesus was embarrassingly naive.

Lady #1: How’s that, dear?

Lady #2: Every enlightened, modern conservative understands that sociopathic selfishness is the key to job creation and thus prosperity for all…though I do agree with what Jesus said about servants obeying their masters.

Comic # 5

Lady #1: The conservative presidential candidate just chose his vice president!

Lady #2: What’s he like?

Lady #1: Well, he’s from Congress. So it really goes without saying that he’s a soulless corporate sell out.

Lady #2: I’m going to go tell everyone to call him “The people’s hero.” If anyone criticizes anything he’s legitimately done wrong yell at them and call them irrationally biased.

Lady #1: What if they back up their claims with evidence?

Lady #2: Just keep yelling at them until they realize it’s pointless to argue with you.

Comic # 6

Lady #1: Sometimes I write I like to tell liberals what I learned from watching Fox News by posting comments on chat forums, but my comments always get torn apart by thousands of libtards.

Lady #2: I’ll tell you why that happens. Everyone on the internet is under 25 years old. Yep. When people get older and wiser they naturally evolve into conservatives. It’s the circle of life.

Lady #1: If only truth were determined by the number of times you say something and how loud you say it.

Lady #2: You know, a lot of young people these days are saying it isn’t…apparently there’s

Lady #1: Apparently there’s little hope for the future.

Comic # 7

Lady #1: I’m a fiscal conservative, which means I’m against big government and all the wasteful spending that comes along with it.

Lady #2: So you want to downsize the military, the T.S.A., C.I.A., N.S.A., F.B.I., Homeland Security and all the other government agencies that intrude into our lives? What about eliminating subsidies for failing businesses, tax breaks and tax loop holes for the wealthy that all have to paid for by someone?

Lady #1: Damnit. Those are all things I love. I guess I shouldn’t call myself a fiscal conservative.

Lady #2: …but that’s not going to stop you, is it dear?

Comic # 8

Lady #1: I reserve the right to real all your E-mails, listen to all your telephone calls and track all your internet data.

Lady #2: Why is that, dear?

Lady #1: If you don’t have anything to hide there isn’t anything to worry about. So there’s no reason to even ask…unless you’re hiding something.

Lady #2: I’ll agree on one condition. Let me see your tax returns for the past ten years.

Lady #1: Bitch, I don’t owe you shit, and fuck you for asking.

Comic # 9

Lady #1: All my friends and I ate at Chick-Fil-A to show our solidarity with the company, and we helped them break their sales record!

Lady #2: What do you and Chick-Fil-A have in common?

Lady #1: We’re against equal rights!

Lady #2: What!!!

Lady #1: Naw, it’s cool. We’re against equal rights for homosexuals.

Lady #2: Oh, well that’s okay then.

Comic # 10

Lady #1: Do you believe in the Book of Mormon?

Lady #2:  Obviously, no.

Lady #1: Really? Why not?

Lady #2: It was written by a known con artist and contains factually inaccurate statements. It’s blatantly mythology. It’s not real.

Lady #1: Hmmm. What do you call it when you believe in something that isn’t real? Well?

Lady #1: …

Lady #2: Well?

Lady #1: I believe it’s called being entitled to your own opinion.