(Comic) Two Conservative Ladies #11

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points. 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

Comic # 1

Lady #1: As a Conservative Christian woman I’m outraged that America is giving billions of dollars of aid to Israel to help them exterminate the Palestinians.

Lady #2: Don’t you mean you’re outraged that America is giving food stamps to workers who aren’t paid enough to survive?

Lady #1: Oh yeah. That’s what I meant.

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I absolutely love the idea of forcing people to pay for health insurance the same way we force people to buy car insurance. Mitt Romney was a genius for thinking of that. God, I wish he could have been president.

Lady #2: That’s exactly the same as Obama’s Affordable Care Act.

Lady #1: Obama is a liberal Democrat, right?

Lady #2: That’s what he calls himself.

Lady #1: AAAGH! I hate forcing people to buy health insurance more than anything else in the world! …but I’m not going to complain about the care insurance thing.

Comic # 3

Lady #1: I hate the government and our political leaders so much I constantly advocate violently overthrowing them.

Lady #2: But do you support the troops who defend our government and political leaders you hate so much?

Lady #1: I’ll kick anyone in the balls who doesn’t support the troops. All praise be to them.

Lady #2: Okay, I’m not saying don’t support the troops, but yo do realize what a woefully confused hypocrite you are, right?

Lady #1: No. And I never will.

Comic # 4

Lady #1: I ride into the church parking lot every Sunday on a donkey just like Jesus would if he were alive today.

Lady #2: I didn’t know BMW made a car called “donkey.”

Lady #1: That’s what I call my 5-series model to make my husband feel guilty for not buying me a 7-series.

Comic # 5

Lady #1: I don’t support food stamps, accessible health care or raising the minimum wage.

Lady #2: So… how do you expect our workers to survive?

Lady #1: Hey, I didn’t make my fortune by giving a shit about the people who earned it for me.

Comic # 6

Lady #1: As a Christian I’m cringing at the upcoming war on Christmas we have every year nowadays.

Lady #2: I know I can’t believe how anyone couldn’t appreciate how the Catholic church lied about December 25th being Jesus’s birthday in a thinly veiled attempt at co-opting a Pagan holiday… or how Christmas is now one giant celebration of wasteful, selfish consumerism in direct contradiction of everything Jesus stood for.

Lady #1: God damnit. You’re not supposed to think about it that deeply.

Lady #2: Honey, that’s just scratching the surface. Don’t even get me started on Santa.

Comic # 7

Lady #1: We need to do something drastic about the single greatest cause of suffering and misery in this country!

Lady #2: You’re referring to unchecked economic inequality, right?

Lady #1: What? No. I’m talking about the gays.

Lady #2: Oh, yeah. I forgot about how they were making all those children go hungry.

Comic # 8

Lady #1: Since it’s Veteran’s Day I just have to ask, do you support the troops?

Lady #2: Fuck yeah!

Lady #1: Do you support the gays?

Lady #2: Fuck no!

Lady #1: So… what about the gay troops?

Lady #2: God damnit. Let me keep pretending they don’t exist and haven’t made countless sacrifices in my name while I deny them their freedom and dignity.

Lady #1 Okay.

Comic # 9

Lady #1: On this Veteran’s Day I’d just like to thank all the troops who protect our freedom.

Lady #2: And I’d like to thank all the police officers who beat the shit out of the Occupy Wallstreet protestors, locked people up with rapists and murders for smoking weed, fined them for not buying auto insurance, took away their property for not paying taxes, arrested them for drinking or peeing in public, frisked them at the airport and shot and killed unarmed civilians after breaking into the wrong house.

Lady #1: Are you being sarcastic?

Lady #2: …

Comic # 10

Lady #1: I just can’t stand how blatantly biased Fox News is and how it panders to the Conservative base promoting the Republican agenda.

Lady #2: Don’t you mean you hate how “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” often expresses a viewpoint you disagree with yet you overlook every instance where they criticize Democratic politicians?

Lady #1: Er, yeah. That’s what I meant.

Lady #2: That’s what I thought you meant.

Comic # 11

Lady #1: I can’t decide what I hate most about president Barack Hussein Obama…

Lady #2: Oh?

Lady #1: …whether he’s a commie socialist who wants to redistribute the wealth from the ultra-wealthy to the poorest of the poor or he wants to take away all of our guns.

Lady #2: Since he took office haven’t the rich gotten richer and the poor gotten poorer and nobody lost their guns?

Lady #1: Well, yeah. There’s that, but you still have to admit that he’s a poor-loving, gun-hating butt hole.

Lady #2: Uhhhh. I guess.

Comic # 12

Lady #1: I fucking hate how illegal Mexican immigrants can come to America and sit on their asses collecting welfare and enjoying free health care and being supported by hard working Americans’ tax dollars.

Lady #2: You mean the same illegal Mexican immigrants who work for 13 hours per day in scalding hot fruit farms for less than half of minimum wage and live in overheated conex trailers and can’t see a doctor for fear of being deported while paying sales tax on everything they buy?

Lady #1: Yeah, I’m talking about those entitled mooching ass holes.

Lady #2: Wow. If that’s your definition of an entitled moocher then what constitutes a justified hard worker?

Lady #1: Trophy wives like me.

Comic # 13

Lady #1: There are some people who don’t want science classes in public schools to teach that the first humans on earth appeared instantaneously in a magic garden in the Middle East guarded by a flying, flaming sword where they were tricked by a talking snake into eating a magic apple causing every subsequent human to have to slaughter animals to buy God’s forgiveness until God magically impregnated himself into a woman in order to come to earth to kill himself in order to forgive his children who he loves unconditionally. I mean, how arrogant and unscientific is it not to believe that?

Lady #2: Yeah, it’s just unbelievable that anyone wouldn’t accept all that as flat fact or want every child to e told that’s a realistic explanation of life.

Lady #1: I know, right? And since when did science have to be backed up by objective, peer-reviewed evidence?

Lady #2: It’s all part of Satan’s plan to keep us from giving all of our money to the church.