“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.
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Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:
#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14
TRANSCRIPT
Each comic is 3 panels long. Each panel has the same black and white photo of two middle aged Caucasian women wearing nice clothes from the early 1900’s.
COMIC # 1
Woman #1: Do you remember that scene in “Schindler’s List” where Schindler gives that speech about how he could have saved more of his workers’ lives if he’d kept less money for himself?
Woman #2: I don’t know. I guess so. Why?
Woman#1: Well, do you think you would have given a similar speech if you were in the same situation?
Woman #2: Hell no! I would have told my workers if they wanted a better life they should have worked harder! I don’t believe in fucking hand outs!
Woman #1: Excellent. You’ve passed the right wing test. You are now one of us.
Woman #2: The circle is complete.
COMIC # 2
Woman #1: This morning my daughter asked me how you know if someone is a liberal.
Woman #2: And what did you tell her?
Woman#1: You spot a liberal the same way you spot a terrorist. They’re anyone who disagrees with you.
Woman #2: What did she say to that?
Woman #1: She said, “I get it. So liberals are a phantom enemy we should wage an unquestioning, endless holy war against.”
Woman #2: Your daughter is going to be such a productive member of society.
COMIC # 3
Woman #1: This morning my daughter asked why conservatives are against abortion but for the death penalty.
Woman #2: Oh? And what did you tell her?
Woman#1: …that fetuses aren’t black.
COMIC # 4
Woman #1: Do you think climate change is real?
Woman #2: Oh, you mean global warming? Come on. We both know science has thoroughly debunked that myth.
Woman#1: Do you believe the big bang and evolution are real?
Woman #2: Come on. We both know science is just theories.
Woman #1: So can we trust scientists?
Woman #2: Only the ones who confirm our biases.
COMIC # 5
Woman #1: Today my daughter asked me why she has to stand during the pledge of allegiance.
Woman #2: What did you tell her?
Woman#1: I took her to the veteran’s hospital and told her, “It’s your right not to stand for the pledge, but let me introduce you to some people who can’t stand because they fought for your freedom.”
Woman #2: What did she say about that?
Woman #1: She asked why she has to pledge unquestioning loyalty to the same government that I base my life around bitching about.
Woman #2: What did you do then?
Woman #1 I spanked the shit out of her for questioning my authority.
COMIC # 6
Woman #1: I told my maids and butlers that I expect them to hand out champaign at my Christmas party again.
Woman #2: Naturally.
Woman#1: But they said they wouldn’t do it unless I gave them overtime and holiday pay. One of them flat out refused!
Woman #2: My goodness! How did you react?
Woman #1: I refused, and I reminded them that that’s why they’re poor…because they’re just a bunch of lazy bums always looking for a hand out.
Woman #2: If only they could see you’re really helping them by not letting them become dependent.
COMIC # 7
Woman #1: Today my daughter asked me what a socialist is.
Woman #2: What did you tell her?
Woman#1: I told her a socialist is a failure who expects the government to redistribute the nation’s wealth to pad their pockets at everyone else’s expense.
Woman #2: What did she say about that?
Woman #1: She asked me why I defend C.E.O.s of big businesses so loyally if they’re all socialists. So I explained to her that C.E.O.s are job creators who can never be questioned. Then I kicked her unemployed ass out of the house.
COMIC # 8
Woman #1: Have you heard about the American Dream?
Woman #2: The American Dream? No, I’ve never heard of that before in my entire life, ever. Why?
Woman#1: Well, my daughter said she expected to get it.
Woman #2: What? Like for Christmas? Well get it for her! Get the latest model. It’ll make you look like a better parent than your neighbors.
Woman #1: No. No. No. Apparently the American Dream is the idea that you can expect a job with decent pay, an affordable home and a secure retirement.
Woman #2: Damn. Kids are such spoiled pieces of shit these days. Where did these self-entitled fuck wads get their values?
COMIC # 9
Woman #1: My daughter just got beat up by the police for standing up for her beliefs!
Woman #2: You see!?!? This is why we’re guaranteed the right to assemble and to bear arms!
Woman#1: …but…
Woman #2: This is why it’s every citizen’s duty to question authority and dissent to unlawful control! This country belongs to the people, not to…
Woman #1: She was at the Occupy Wall Street protest.
Woman #2: Oh…stupid, ungrateful hippie. She got what she deserved.
COMIC # 10
Woman #1: I just heard about this fucked up thing that happened…
Woman #2: You see!?!? It’s those fucking liberals’ fault. They’re always fucking up everything, and just when you think things can’t get any worse they fuck it up even more.
Woman#1: …but…
Woman #2: I swear, one more thing like this happens and I’m just going to snap. I don’t know how much more I can take. I mean, when are the liberals going to realize how bad they’re fucking everything up?!?!
Woman #1: …but I haven’t even said what happened.
Woman #2: I honestly don’t care.
The Wise Sloth 
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