(Comic) Two Conservative Ladies #14

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old-fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

Comic # 1

Lady #1: Raising the minimum wage will only cause job creators to create less jobs.

Lady #2: Why is that, dear?

Lady #1: Because we’re greedy fucks who only care about ourselves and would gladly kill a baby if we got an extra lobster dinner out of it.

Lady #2: I don’t suppose there’s any point trying to argue the value of human life with you, is there?

Lady #1: Not one God damned bit, no.

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I’ve got this book that conclusively proves how wrong libtards’ ideas are.

Lady #2: Oh yeah. I read that book. All it did was state your pre-conceived notions as fact.

Lady #1: Exactly. That’s how objective thought works, right?

Lady #2: No, not at all.

Lady #1: Booyaz! I win!

Lady #2: I honestly don’t know what the hell is going on inside your head.

Comic # 3

Lady #1: Raising the minimum wage will cause job creators to fire workers and create less jobs.

Lady #2: So… by not paying our workers enough to live on we’re actually doing them a favor?

Lady #1: Exactly! We’re causing them inhumane and unnecessary levels of fear, degradation and suffering out of the goodness of our hearts.

Lady #2: Oh, goody! Now I don’t feel unbearable guilt for destroying any chance of them living meaningful lives.

Lady #1: And I don’t feel any guilt for selling them the euphoric substances that help them cope with their oppression.

Comic # 4

Lady #1: AAAAGH! I hate how the liberal media is demonizing rich people for underpaying their workers and overcharging their customers! It’s so unfair. It’s like they’re holding us accountable for the unconscionable economic inequality that we’ve blatantly caused by exploiting the poor.

Lady #2: Just ignore them and hope there isn’t a God who will hold you accountable for the untold misery you’ve inflicted on humanity.

Lady #1: I am God.

Comic # 5

Lady #1: I’m so proud of my bumper sticker I put on my SUV. It says, “Don’t listen to the liberal media.”

Lady #2: Golly, what would you think if you saw a bumper sticker that said, “Don’t listen to the conservative media?”

Lady #1: I’d say the owner of that sticker is a socialist fascist who wants to censor my freedom of speech. Then I’d leave a passive aggressive note on their windshield telling them what a freedom hating piece of shit they are.

Lady #2: So how is what you did any different?

Lady #1: The difference is that since I’m good, anything I do is good. And since liberals are evil, everything they do is evil.

Lady #2: Yes, that kind of thinking is the cornerstone of every Utopian society.

Comic # 6

Lady #1: What’s the purpose of government?

Lady #2: To provide for the needs of the people and help them succeed and make the most out of their lives, of course.

Lady #1: Which people?

Lady #2: The rich, of course.

Lady #1: Of course.

Comic # 7

Lady #1: Nothing makes me madder than government spending. We need to cut it at every corner possible!

Lady #2: So should we eliminate all the government jobs in your home state?

Lady #1: Heavens no! Our economy depends on those jobs.

Lady #2: So how do we cut costs then?

Lady #1: By eliminating pensions for all those government employees.

Comic # 8

Lady #1: Companies like McDonalds and WalMart pay their full time employees so little that they have to rely on food stamps to survive. What do you think we should do about that?

Lady #2: Eliminate food stamps.

Lady #1: I suppose that’s what it’s going to take to motivate those lazy bums to work more than one or two full time jobs.

Comic # 9

Lady #1: Corporations are people, right?

Lady #2: Right!

Lady #1: And giving handouts to people is bad, right?

Lady #2: Right!

Lady #1: So isn’t giving subsidies to corporations equivalent to giving food stamps to people who work full time but don’t make enough money to survive?

Lady #2: Must I remind you again that some people are more equal than others?

Comic # 10

Lady #1: What would you say if I told you that I don’t believe it should be legal for black and white people to marry?

Lady #2: I would say that you’re a racist bigot with archaic ideas about marriage that are based solely on your personal biases as opposed to objective reasoning. Furthermore, I would make a categorical imperative out of others condemning your disdainable outlook.

Lady #1: What would you say if I told you that I don’t believe it should be legal for homosexuals to marry?

Lady #2: I would say that you’re standing up for your principles. You’re an inspiration to us all, and anyone who disagrees with you is a fascist who is trying to censor you, and they should be kicked out of America for being the freedom-hating butt hole that they are.

Lady #1: Funny how that works.

Comic # 11

Lady #1: I heard this guy, Glenn Greenwald, saying that both the Republican and Democrat parties are both controlled by the same financial contributors, which means that ultimately there’s really only one political party controlling the United States: the ultra wealthy.

Lady #2: AAAGH! Stuid libtards! Socialists! Fascists! Abortion! Homosexuals! Jesus!

Lady #1: So… that’s all you got?

Lady #2: That’s all I got.

Comic # 12

Lady #1: Socrates once said that to be a philosopher you need lots of leisure time.

Lady #2: Philosophy is like thinking, right?

Lady #1: Yes, dear.

Lady #2: Holy shit! We better never give our impoverished workers a moment’s rest!

Lady #1: That’s why I brought it up.

Comic # 13

Lady #1: I’m so glad I live in the land of the free. I’d never want to live in any of those oppressive countries where you can’t do what you want.

Lady #2: Speaking of freedom, remind me again why gays can’t marry in America.

Lady #1: Because I don’t want them to.

Lady #2: So that’s how freedom works? People are free to do whatever they want except for what you don’t want them to.

Lady #1: Yep.

Lady #2: That sounds more like the definition of…

Lady #1: Nope. It’s freedom.

Comic # 14

Lady #1: I’m building a new Statue of Liberty in Arizona that has a different plaque at the bottom.

Lady #2: What does the new plaque say?

Lady #1: I’ve replaced the inscription that says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door…” with one that says, “You God damned, dirty immigrants aren’t welcome here, and if you’re not white you better carry your citizenship papers with you everywhere you go and be prepared to be harassed by the police at every corner.”

Lady #2: Well, it makes you sound a bit like a racist, xenophobic douche who has never read a history book, but I suppose it works.