(Comic) Two Conservative Ladies #13

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

Comic # 1

Lady #1: I watched an interview between Bill O’reilly and an atheist, and it got me thinking.

Lady #2: What did Bill say this time?

Lady #1: Well, the atheist pointed out how the first amendment says that congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, but the American government clearly favors Christianity. So…

Lady #2: Aaaaagh! Christianity is a philosopy, not a religion. So the government is free to favor it.

Lady #1: Oh, so should churches not be tax-exempt, or should every philosophical organization be tax exempt?

Lady #2: Hold on. I’ll need a few minutes to think of a bullshit excuse to weasel my way around my blatant hypocrisy.

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I’m about to say something you might disagree with.

Lady #2: I’ve just labeled you a liberal. So anything you say is invalid.

Lady #1: That’s all it takes?

Lady #2: That’s all it takes.

Comic # 3

Lady #1: I heard these two homeless people complaining about how worried they were that the government may raise the minimum wage and lower taxes on the rich.

Lady #2: Really?

Lady #1: No. Not really. They were complaining about being homeless.

Comic # 4

Lady #1: I think Jesus would have wanted us to celebrate his birthday by buying our children piles of useless crap made in sweatshops and then lie to our children by saying that their gifts were delivered by a character from Pagan mythology.

Lady #2: Is that what Jesus said to do in the Bible?

Lady #1: Eh, who the hell has time to read that big book?

Lady #2: You know they made a version with pictures, right?

Comic # 5

Lady #1: You seem upset, dear. What’s the matter?

Lady #2: Oh, I was just thinking about how both Jesus and Yahweh resolutely approved of slavery.

Lady #1: Eh, that’s no big deal.

Lady #2: Isn’t it? I mean, what more proof do you need that the Bible is a work of primitive mythology that merely reflects the values of the culture that produced it and wasn’t in fact written by the creator of the universe?

Lady #1: From now on I’m going to make you put a quarter in a jar every time you think.

Comic # 6

Lady #1: Remind me again why we censor the reality of sex from children?

Lady #2: Because they can’t handle it. It would make their minds explode!

Lady #1: Is there any psychological research to back that up?

Lady #2: None.

Lady #1: We don’t really have any idea how to raise children, do we?

Lady #2: None.

Comic # 7

Lady #1: I just learned that it’s a recipe for economic inequality when corporations charge as much as possible for their products and pay their workers as little as possible.

Lady #2: Ugh, you sound like a college freshman.

Lady #1: Golly, it’s pretty sad that college freshmen are smarter than us.

Lady #2: Yeah, that’s not where I was going with that.

Comic # 8

Lady #1: It’s our duty to question the government and stand up against it when it becomes too big. Wait… do we have a president who calls himself a Democrat?

Lady #2: Yes, dear. For three more years.

Lady #1: Then I stand by my statement for three more years.

Lady #2: Your commitment to your principles is an inspiration to us all.

Comic # 9

Lady #1: I just hate how our government keeps redistributing wealth.

Lady #2: Really? You’re upset about how the rich keep getting bailouts, tax breaks and tax shelters while the poor keep losing social services? I thought you would have been happy to have the nation’s wealth redistributed upwards.

Lady #1: Hmmm. Would it be okay if I keep bitching about something happening when the opposite is actually happening?

Lady #2: Absolutely! I mean, it’ll only confuse people as to what’s actually happening.

Comic # 10

Lady #1: I’ve figured out how to reduce local city governments’ debts!

Lady #2: How’s that, dear?

Lady #1: By slashing public pensions!

Lady #2: What will the government spend the money they save on? Food tampss for the pensionless, starving elderly?

Lady #1: As Christ as my witness, one way or the other, that money will go to job creators!

Lady #2: Oh, so we’ll use that money to create jobs then, will we?

Lady #1: No. We’ll use it to line our already oversized golden parachutes.

Comic # 11

Lady #1: After a lifetime of watching our government screw up I’ve concluded that our two-party political system doesn’t work and is anathema to democracy.

Lady #2: What would you propose replacing it with?

Lady #1: A Republican hegemony.

Comic # 12

Lady #1: Minimum wage jobs were never meant to support adults financially. They’re really just for exploiting children.

Lady #2: What about the millions of cases where adults have no choice but to work dead end minimum wage jobs?

Lady #1: We ignore them.

Lady #2: That’s it? We just tell them, “Sorry you’re stuck at the bottom of an oppressive economic system. Sucks to be you?”

Lady #1: I don’t understand why you’re getting so worked up. They’re just poor people. It’s not like they’re human beings.

Comic # 13

Lady #1: Criminals don’t follow rules. So there’s no point making any gun control laws at all.

Lady #2: Don’t criminologists say that opportunity creates the criminal? And aren’t millions of gun deaths caused by otherwise good people who have been driven to unforeseeable desperation and just happen to have easy access to weapons of mass destruction?

Lady #1: Nothing you said is true. I should know, because I’m a gun expert.

Lady #2: Where did you learn so much about guns?

Lady #1: The N.R.A.

Comic # 14

Lady #1: I just hate that plaque on the Statue of Liberty that says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore…”

Lady #2: What exactly do you hate about those words?

Lady #1: Have you seen our immigration requirements lately? The Statue of Liberty should read, “Give me your healthy, your educated and your rich. The rest of you can work in our outsourced sweatshops.” As it stands, the Statue of Liberty is one big, propagandist, hypocritical lie. If we’re going to be evil let’s be upfront about it.

Lady #2: My goodness. You actually have a good point there.

Comic # 15

Lady #1: I can’t believe the Pope is advocating fair wages. He must be the devil, because only devils hate capitalism.

Lady #2: I mean, didn’t Jesus himself go into the church and kick over all the beggar’s tables and redistributed their wealth to the tax collectors? He sure as hell advocated slavery. So according to God Himself, sweatshop workers have no room to complain.

Lady #1: The only thing you said that’s true is the bit about Jesus approving of slavery.

Lady #2: That’s enough to prove my point. The Pope is officially a piece of shit.

Lady #1: I’m going to have to start writing down a list of everyone we’re supposed to hate.

Comic # 16

Lady #1: America revolted against Britain because of taxation without representation. They just took our money, and we had no idea or say about what it was spent on.

Lady #2: …sort of like how America spends trillions of dollars on its top secret network that nobody knows anything about or can challenge?

Lady #1: Is a Democrat currently president?

Lady #2: Yes, dear.

Lady #1: Then, yes. Exactly like that.

Comic # 17

Lady #1: Black people tend to vote Democrat. So how can we make it harder for black people to vote?

Lady #2: What you’re suggesting is voter fraud!

Lady #1: That’s perfect! We’ll make them jump through unreasonable hoops under the guise of preventing voter fraud!

Lady #2: Firstly, don’t you feel any shame for being so Orwellianly hypocritical? And secondly, won’t it be blatantly obvious what we’re doing?

Lady #1: Firstly, I live for this shit. Secondly, we’re completely unaccountable. So it doesn’t matter how blatantly despicable we act.

Comic # 18

Lady #1: You seem melancholy, dear. What’s the matter?

Lady #2: Well, I went looking for Jesus like you said to, and I finally found him.

Lady #1: And that’s making you feel down?

Lady #2: It’s just that ever since I found him he won’t stop guilt tripping me into giving him more money.

Lady #1: Yeah, he does that.

Comic # 19

Lady #1: What should our number one priority be while there’s a Democrat in the White House?

Lady #2: To make sure he’s completely unable to help anyone in need.

Lady #1: Right. Now remind me again how that doesn’t make us bad guys.

Lady #2: Oh, it does, but we don’t have to worry about that.

Lady #1: And why is that, dear?

Lady #2: Because we have no conscience.

Comic # 20

Lady #1: You seem upset again. What’s got your panties in a bunch this time?

Lady #2: The other day I noticed that the long hours and high stress I submit my employees to is burning them out and breaking their bodies.

Lady #1: So what? They’re disposable. Just throw them out int the streets and get new ones to burn through.

Lady #2: That’s what I’ve been doing, but now I have to pay disability and welfare for the people I’ve broken to the point of being unable to work.

Lady #1: Well, let’s just cut as many social programs as possible. Problem solved.