Category Archives: Self-Esteem

October 30, 2009

You Can’t Hide Your True Face. So Don’t Even Try.

By wise sloth

"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what other people thought about you if you realized how seldom they did.” Think about that. Most people walk around agonizing about what other people think of them. They don’t go around agonizing about what they think about you. Nobody is scrutinizing you. Nobody gives a fuck about you. They’re too busy thinking about themselves. So don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about you. You’re under the radar.

Well, you’re not really under the radar. Everyone can see you more clearly than you could imagine. They just don’t generally care about you or your image enough to tell you everything they understand about you.

People don’t need to scrutinize you to see you for who you are. We put so much time and energy into constructing these elaborate masks to present a polished Hollywood image of ourselves to the rest of the world and hide the vulnerable, shattered people we truly are, but the irony in this is that we’re only fooling ourselves.

You can fool a person on a first date. You can fool a person at a job interview. You can fool anyone for a week at most, but the real you will shine through eventually, and people will pick up on the real you much, much, much, much sooner than you’d expect.

We all like to think we’re smooth. We like to think we’re unique snowflakes. We like to think we’re different. But we’re not. People are people. We’re all 99% the same. The differences are barely consequential. This is why advertising works. This is why brainwashing works. This is why self-help books work. This is why our whole society works.

But it doesn’t take a professional psychologist to read you. You’re transparent. Period. I’m transparent. Period. I don’t bother pretending to be anyone but who I am anymore even though I know I’m not perfect because I am who I want to be, as we all are. Apparently, we don’t really want to be perfect, or we would be. Whatever. Fuck it. As long as I like who I am, I’m not going to bother hiding the stains. It wouldn’t do any good if I tried because you’d see through my glass mask eventually. So why expend the extra effort?

So do yourself a favor. Stop hiding, because you’re not really hiding from anyone but yourself. And when someone points out your stains, don’t waste their time with this, “You don’t know me! You don’t know anything about me!” bullshit. You’re not complicated. You’re not special. You’re cut from a generic cookie cutter. What little else there is to know about you, everyone already knows… because you told them all about yourself with your actions.

We know you. And we can see all the stains you’ve wiped all over your face behind your glass mask.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

Growing up and Becoming You
Happiness and Peace
Self-Esteem
Health
Drugs and Addiction
Achieving a Healthy Work/Life Balance
Leadership and Authority
My Tweets About Self-Help

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October 30, 2009

You don’t need a trophy. You’re already a winner.

By wise sloth

Picture of a trophy

I had a conversation with a guy a long time ago. I don’t remember who his name or what we were talking about, but I remember I said something that made the guy chuckle, and he said, “You’re cool.” But he didn’t say it like it was a compliment. He said it like he was making a decision… like he was bestowing a title on me. Like I wasn’t cool until he said so. I was a little offended by that because I knew I was cool regardless of whether or not he or anyone else thought so.

Understanding you’re valuable regardless of what anyone else thinks is a vital life lesson for everyone to learn. That’s why it pisses me off that our society has a tool that teaches people their value is validated and measured by external sources like ribbons, certificates, and trophies.

Isn’t that pretty much what an award does? It says, “I deem you worthy.” I deem you the best, the second-best, third-best, or I deem you’re not worth mentioning. Sure, I’m being a little hyperbolic; awards have their place, but honestly, human beings do have a tendency to take them way too seriously.  People have walls in their houses dedicated to their trophies because they believe on some level that their inherent value is reflected on that wall. That’s why people cry when they lose a contest. That’s why parents push their children to the breaking point to win competitions. Emilio Estevez’s character in “The Breakfast Club” was based on real people.

https://youtu.be/l-ZyYtoKuUs

If your kid wins an award and you make a huge deal about congratulating him but you don’t make it a point to teach him that he’s valuable without the award then you’re effectively teaching him that he needs external approval to validate his internal worth, and that’s crippling.

I lose respect for adults if I see that they still have a wall full of trophies they won during childhood. Nobody needs that. If they’re so proud of themselves for having those trophies, I have to wonder if they’d still be proud without them.  When I get an award, I throw it away the first moment nobody is looking, and I believe that’s healthy.

Having said all that, I hereby award you the world champion ass-kicking award. Your certificate reads as follows: “I (insert name here) don’t need your fucking award to tell me I kick ass. It goes without saying.”

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

Growing up and Becoming You
Happiness and Peace
Self-Esteem
Health
Drugs and Addiction
Achieving a Healthy Work/Life Balance
Leadership and Authority
My Tweets About Self-Help

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October 28, 2009

Don’t Argue With People Who Point Out Your Flaws

By wise sloth

What would you do if one of your friends had a big piece of broccoli in their teeth that they were oblivious about, and the two of you were about to go out in public? If they’re your friend, you’d say, “Hey, you’ve got some broccoli in your teeth. You should pick it out so you don’t embarrass yourself, friend.”

Broccoli in your teeth is a metaphor for everything you do wrong. For example, growing up I went through a series of bad haircuts. In fact, it was pretty late in life before I ever had a good haircut. I had a lot of friends through the course of those haircuts who should have told me I looked like a waterlogged circus clown. My friends would have told me if I broccoli in my teeth. So why didn’t they tell me my haircut sucked?

We all know acquaintances, family, and friends who are doing something wrong in life, but we don’t say anything because it would be rude. In 2004, I worked with a guy who acted ridiculous, and everyone complained about him behind his back. I always felt guilty every time he made a fool out of himself because he didn’t realize it. Everybody else did though, and they were just going to let him keep on being a moron and keep ruining his life. Well, I couldn’t live with that on my conscience. So one day I had a long conversation with him about how he was making his life harder, and he needed to put more thought into the decisions he made.

He lashed back, demanding me to explain what made me think I was so great. From then on he was quick to criticize me. I’d made an enemy by trying to help him. And all the people he thought were his friends just kept laughing at him behind his back and letting him be an idiot. But I didn’t give up. There were a few times after that when he did something stupid again, and I said, “This is what we talked about. That was a bad idea, and you’re going to regret it, and when that happens, you need to analyze the situation and learn a lesson from it.” His stupidity always came back to haunt him, and he never learned a lesson…but he did resent me more.

It was ironic that he thought I was a prick, because I was the most honest, concerned, and helpful friend he had in that circle. It absolutely blows my mind the unwavering resolve people have when it comes to not listening to (or more precisely, thinking about) advice and staying stupid. I’ve seen this time and time again, even when people ask you for advice. You give it to them, they argue with you, do the opposite, regret it, and then do the same thing over again and wonder why their life sucks.

So do you think I was being a prick by calling out my friend’s mistakes? Don’t answer. It’s a trick question. It doesn’t matter if I was. He needed someone to point of the proverbial broccoli in his teeth by any means necessary for his own good.

Do your self and the world a favor. Embrace criticism. It’s better to lose face and look dumb for a minute than to be dumb for the rest of your life.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

Growing up and Becoming You
Happiness and Peace
Self-Esteem
Health
Drugs and Addiction
Achieving a Healthy Work/Life Balance
Leadership and Authority
My Tweets About Self-Help

1 Comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Self-Esteem

October 28, 2009

How To Be Cool

By wise sloth

Black and white photo of James Dean leaning against a wall holding a cigarette looking cool

All through junior high school and the first part of high school, I was obsessed with being cool, because the only way you could feel safe in school (much less become accepted or popular) was to be cool. Of course, I didn’t articulate it like that at the time. I just knew I had to be cool, and I felt that everyone else had already figured out how, and I was scrambling to catch up, and in the meantime, I’d just have to pretend as best I could and hope nobody figured out that I was a fake.

It turns out that most people actually felt the same way I did in high school. If we all knew that at the time we’d all have been a lot happier, but of course nobody was going to admit their feelings of inadequacy to each other. That wouldn’t be cool. Or would it? What does it mean to be cool? If it were simple we all would have just gotten it and our teenage years would have been that much simpler. But it’s not simple.

Urbandictionary.com has a good definition of the word, “cool.”

“An adjective referring to something that is very good, stylish, or otherwise positive.”

“Cool” is about as diverse as the word, “fuck,” but we’re only going to focus on one usage of the word. What does is mean to be a cool person? The urbandictionary.com’s definition exposes why it’s so hard to say what a cool person is. It applies to two opposing lifestyles: good and stylish.

Let’s assume that the terms “stylish” and “cool” are interchangeable. “Style” is whatever is popular at the moment. Other than the fact that style changes daily this is an easy-to-follow formula that is very reliable. Just conform to the majority’s standards and the majority will accept you…in other words, sell out. If you want to be more than just accepted the trick is to pay close attention to what is going to be popular tomorrow and stay on top of the trends. The problem with this is that you live your life for other people who are probably as petty as you and their friendship is about as durable as a sun-dried toothpick. There are a lot of people out there willing to pay that price for safety and exaltation, and if you choose that path I can’t say I blame you, and I can’t say I haven’t done it before. But today I won’t have any respect for you.

I’ll introduce my next point with a quote from James Dean, the master of cool. He once said, “If you aren’t living for yourself then you aren’t really living.” The other version of cool is to be yourself regardless (and often in spite) of what the majority is doing. Having said that, it’s also important to point out that style and individuality are two extremes at opposite ends of a scale, and nobody is 100 stylish or individual, and you don’t have to be. It’s okay to be in the gray area. No, you will be in the gray area. You can’t help being shaped by your environment, and at any rate, no matter what you do, wear, or want, in a world with almost 7 billion people you’re inevitably going to be like someone else. And trying not to be like anyone else for the purpose of not being like anyone else is pointless. Disliking something just because it’s mainstream is ultimately the same as liking something because it’s mainstream. Either way, you’re basing your actions on other people’s actions. The point is that when figuring out where you are on the scale it’s not important to measure how much you look or act like everyone else but why you make the decisions you’ve made. Did you do it for yourself or for someone else?

Consider subcultures like goth, punk, gangsta, hippie, raver, etc. These “sub” cultures include millions of people worldwide, which have entire fashion, music, decoration, and entertainment industries built around them to provide you the material goods you think you need to set yourself “apart.” Dumbass. Conforming to a subculture is still conforming. And the rules of subcultures are enforced just as harshly as the rules of mainstream culture. Don’t kid yourself. If you identify with a subculture you’re not the outsider you think you are.

The point is that it’s more important to be true to yourself than popular. It’s more important to have a sense of personal identity than social identity. And if you want to live for yourself then, yes, you will probably have to sacrifice some social acceptance for it, but if you do you’ll be free, you’ll be able to grow, and you’ll have self-respect. But where does say a 14-year-old get the strength to sacrifice popularity for individuality? Commitment to any mental endeavor like this is rarely done through raw, mental strength. It’s achieved through knowledge, which gives you a clear perception of the course of action you should take. Anyone who has great resolve to accomplish anything or live a certain way will always have a clear philosophy about why they’re doing what they’re doing. So in order to be yourself, you have to see clearly the cost and benefits of popularity and individuality. I mentioned a few reasons why individuality is more important than popularity, but there’s another very important one that I haven’t mentioned. Think about the people you’re trying to be popular with. If their friendship is so flimsy that you’ll lose it if you don’t play the perfect little role they expect you to then they’re not really friends and not worth impressing. In fact, if you haven’t figured it out yet, most of the people in this world are complete douche bags. If somebody doesn’t like you then statistically you’re better off. In fact, you should hope people don’t like you and leave you alone.

ANYBODY who stands up for them self in spite of social pressure is cool. And in this generation, nobody is more victimized by social pressure, and thus, nobody has to stand up for themselves more than nerds and gays. Agree with them or not, befriend them or not, but respect them, because they’re stronger and cooler than all the jocks and valley girls in the world. Don’t put words in my mouth though. I’m not saying we should all be gay nerds. I’m just saying that nerds, gays, and other unstylish outcasts don’t get the respect they deserve.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

Growing up and Becoming You
Happiness and Peace
Self-Esteem
Health
Drugs and Addiction
Achieving a Healthy Work/Life Balance
Leadership and Authority
My Tweets About Self-Help

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