My Unifying Conspiracy Theory

The problem with the world is that humans don’t believe they’re stupid. Obviously, we recognize that individual people can be stupid, but as a species, we believe we’re the closest thing in the universe to god. So our vanity blinds us to how stupid we really are. Then when we, as a species, screw up big time in a way that results in a spectacularly shameful human rights atrocity that doesn’t fit inside our Disney version of reality, our minds reverse engineer a mental trick to excuse and explain away the breach in the schema.

The excuse we tell ourselves is that bad luck and evil geniuses are responsible for all our problems. Everything bad in the world was perpetrated by the man, the terrorists, the NWO, the CIA, the FBI, the Illuminati, the communists, the socialists, the capitalists, the bourgeois, the Bilderberg Group, the church, the corporations, Big Government, Big Business, those people, etc., etc. We find it comforting, even necessary, to believe that if you trace any problem far enough it’ll always lead back to someone bigger, stronger and smarter than us.

And while it’s true there are people actively, consciously making decisions that will hurt others, they’re not the end of the rabbit hole because you have to ask why anyone is hurting anyone and why haven’t they been stopped yet by everyone else? The answer to both of those questions is that we’re just that dumb. We tell ourselves the smoking gun always leads to this:

Photo of Cobra Commander from "GI Joe"

…. when in reality it always leads to this:

Photo of a somber monkey wearing a business suit, holding a hand gun.

We’re so dumb it doesn’t even make sense. We’re so dumb that a movie called “Dumb and Dumber” has a cult following. We’re so dumb our adult news channels look like children’s video games, and in many ways operate like them. The world has gotten bizarro dumb.The president of the country that has invaded the highest number of countries in recent history, and was complicit in the torture of a whistleblower who publicized human rights abuses, received the Nobel Peace Prize.  The dumbest real-life characters on television right now are on Jersey Shore and C-Span. There are fictional characters who were consciously designed to embody idiocy who would make better presidents than recent real-life candidates. Even the caliber of those who inspire us to be better people has dropped to ironic levels. Our idea of what constitutes an idyllic suburban life has taken one step forward and two steps back. We’re so dumb that you can’t tell when we’re being serious or just joking. We’re so dumb we have to come up with conspiracy theories to make sense of the dumb fuck ups happening all around us. We have become the dark parody of ourselves we warned ourselves about.

Dumb is the norm. Dumb is cool. And a dumb culture bears dumb fruits. And that’s why all the bad things happen on every level of society. It’s not because of “them.” It’s because of us. We’re all the problem. Our dumb is our fail. Think about that next time you think about not donating to help create a free, universal education system.

 

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