Note 1: All women are different, and every individual woman changes over time, which means it’s impossible to make universal generalizations about women. However, if you want to impress them, you need to have some kind of understanding of how they think and behave. This guide is a starting point, and it makes a lot of generalizations. Take them with a grain of salt, and pay attention to the woman you’re trying to impress to figure out her specific wants.
Note 2: Also, understand that you can get more dates by changing your entire life to be everything women want, and many men have had great success with the ladies doing just that. But what does it say about you if you change your entire identity to satisfy someone else’s expectations? It kind of makes you an empty slave. Neither gender was put on this earth to be a slave to the other. We’re all individuals with an opportunity and responsibility to define and express our own individuality. Incidentally, the more we become ourselves, the more of a complete person we can share with our lover. So before you change your ways to impress a woman, ask yourself if you should.
EVOLUTIONARY PSYCHOLOGY IS THE MOST USEFUL WAY TO UNDERSTAND DATING
There are more anatomical differences between men and women than just our sex organs. Our entire bodies are filled with subtle differences, which optimize our gender-specific role in reproduction. Just as our bodies are wired a little different, so are our brains. Everyone’s brain is hardwired with instincts that subconsciously manipulate our decision-making process into doing things that will improve our chances of passing our genes on through an ideal mate. We’re not complete automatons, but we’re not completely free or unique either.
We’re all looking for the ideal mate, and even if we don’t have any idea what he or she looks like, the instinctual autopilot ghosts inside our heads do. They’re looking for a mate who can help us and our offspring climb Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Think of the five stages of the Hierarchy of Needs as 5 trials a man has to complete in order to impress the instinctual ghost in a woman’s brain. You don’t complete these trials one after the other though. You complete all of them simultaneously. If you can pass the test and prove to her subconscious that you can help her and her offspring fulfill their potential, then the primal part of her brain will tell her to be attracted to you even if she doesn’t want or need you to actually provide for her and her offspring. This doesn’t guarantee she’ll marry you, just that part of her will be interested in you. The rest is up to you.
THE 1ST TRIAL: SURVIVAL PSYCHOLOGY
No matter how funny, educated or exciting you are, if you can’t help a woman and her offspring survive, then you’re not a very attractive mate. Even women who make enough money to be the breadwinner of the household are still instinctively more attracted to men who look success than to men who don’t. So if you want women to be attracted to you, give them a reason to believe you would be a strong, stable provider.
Be attractive (in all 5 senses).
You can value and respect all body sizes and types and still be attracted to attractive people without being shallow and petty. In fact, we don’t have much of a choice. Our instincts determine what we find sexually attractive, and women tend to be attracted to well-dressed, well-groomed, clean, muscular men who smell nice. If being attracted to that kind of man is petty, then Mother Nature is petty… but she’s not really. She’s pragmatic. The human race needs the healthiest members of the species to mate and evolve. Women are like bees looking for a man-flower to pollinate, and the men with the brightest petals attract the most bees. That’s life.
I’m not saying every man should be a professional model (though I will say that every model will attract women). But it’s naïve for out of shape men to complain about how they can’t get a date. The reason they can’t get a date isn’t because women are petty. They can’t get a date because Mother Nature is telling women not to date them.
If you still think that’s petty and unfair, then consider this: It’s not fair to your family for you to die from a preventable disease halfway through your life. You should be in shape and eating healthy anyway. Getting more dates is just one of the many benefits of taking care of yourself.
Look at the situation from a woman’s point of view. Any woman in the world can have sex today if she wanted. All she has to do is go outside and ask every man she sees to sleep with her, and sooner rather than later, a man will agree. When a woman does sleep with a man, he enters her body and imprints himself on her physically, emotionally and mentally. The quality of the man who enters her is indicative of her quality as a person.
Probably the single most defining attribute of an ideal mate is success. The more successful a man is, the better he’ll be able to produce and provide for children to carry on their mother’s DNA. If you want women to look at you with hunger, then look successful, because success is what rings their Pavlovian bell.
Granted, not every woman wants to marry a man who dresses like Don Draper, but there are more ways to look good than just in a business suit. The important thing is that you’re clean and well groomed. Your clothes fit flatteringly. You have style, and you project the message that you’re collected and ambitious. If you can achieve that, you’ll turn heads.
Consider the alternative. A grown man who wears a tank top and pajamas to the grocery store doesn’t send out any signals that he can support a family. That’s not to say that men who dress like The Big Lebowski are bad people who don’t deserve dates; the goal in life isn’t to be the perfect boy toy. The goal is to be the perfect you. Just understand that the less effort you put into looking successful, the less the sight of you is going to light up the erogenous zones in women’s brains.
Have a stable, well-paying job.
Having a stable, well-paying job is part of being a responsible adult. It’s not too much for women to ask their life partner to be a responsible adult and pull his own weight. It’s not that women need a man to provide for them, but it is extremely important to most women that their man has a stable, well-paying job.
Granted, every woman knows there’s more to a man than just his job title and paycheck. Unemployed men still deserve love. However, all men should be mindful of the fact that there are about 4 billion other wonderful men in the world who also deserve love… and have a job.
If you’re willing to put a lot of work into attracting women, then start by putting a lot of work into getting a stable, well-paying job. Just make sure that your job is personally rewarding to you. Don’t spend your life at a grueling office job you hate just to impress women. Any joy you take from your relationships will be overshadowed by the misery you experience at work, and the stress will inevitably affect your home life, degrading and destroying the relationships you sacrificed your happiness for in the first place.
A man with ambition is going places, and women who are with ambitious men go places with them. It’s not petty of women to want a man who can help them get ahead in life. If anything, you could argue it would be irresponsible for a woman to invest in a man who won’t improve her quality of life.
Regardless of how successful a man is or becomes, simply by being ambitious, he demonstrates forward thinking, purpose, strength, commitment and many more virtues for the woman at his side (or watching him from across the room) to admire in him.
Spend money on women.
Everybody likes to have money spent on them. Everyone likes receiving presents; just look at how popular birthdays, Christmas and Valentine Day are. Not only is it nice to get new stuff you didn’t have to pay for, but receiving a present makes you feel special. And who doesn’t want to feel special? Plus, when a man gives a gift to a woman, he demonstrates his ability to provide for her and her offspring in the future.
THE 2ND TRIAL: SAFETY PSYCHOLOGY
It takes more than a healthy body and a job to be a good mate. Life is long and full of unexpected dangers. Granted, life isn’t as dangerous as it used to be. So men might not have to slay a lion to pass the second trial, but they do need to give women a reason to believe the concrete jungle isn’t going to eat them and their family alive.
One of the simplest tests men have to pass in order to prove themselves is whether or not he has the courage to talk to a woman in the first place. One of the easiest ways for a woman to weed out the boys from the men is to stand around and see who has the courage to talk to her. Granted, just because a man has the courage to talk to a woman doesn’t guarantee he’s a fearless prince with a heart of gold, but what is a woman supposed to think about a man who doesn’t even have the courage to approach her?
Women don’t need a savior or protector, but they’re attracted to men they could rely on if need be. One of the easiest ways to guess how capable a man is at overcoming life’s adversities is by looking at his posture and listening to his voice. A shaky, insecure tone of voice demonstrates a lack of faith in ones’ self, which is usually based on experience. A direct, confident tone of voice is usually forged by experiencing success. Granted, you can fake a confident tone of voice, but life is always testing us. Men who stand up for themselves, think clearly under pressure and take risks will continue to impress their mates. Men who shrink from life’s challenges tend to lose their mate’s interest.
Be decisive and proactive.
Some women are looking for a knight in shining armor to sweep them off their feet and carry them off to a castle. Most women don’t need that, but everyone can benefit from having a competent, capable partner to watch their back, fight alongside them and carry them when need be. Women don’t expect men to be superheroes, but there’s something sexy about a man who can take charge of a situation and make order out of chaos. It demonstrates a general sense of responsibility and dependability. Another reason for women to admire decisive, proactive behavior is because men who know what they want and go after it, often achieve their goals. And when they succeed, their family succeeds.
Being indecisive and only reacting to what life throws at you is not a recipe for success. That’s more of a recipe for cowardice, and cowards don’t tend to get far in life. You can’t depend on a coward. In fact, cowards need to be taken care of. Women can be very good at taking care of their man, but with 4 billion men competing for every woman’s attention, why should a woman pick a lovable coward over a lovable trailblazer?
Make a commitment to her.
You may have a lot going for you, but that doesn’t mean much to a woman if you’re not going to be faithful to her. Life is short, and women have little motive to invest their time in a man who is just going to leave her. Granted, asking a woman for her hand in marriage on a first date is probably going to freak her out, but so will texting another girl while you’re on said date.
Own your life and pursue meaningful goals
Women want to be with a man who is going to accomplish great things and be happy with himself and his life. If you’re not going anywhere in life, then neither will the woman in your life. She has higher ambitions than watching you eat potato chips and watch sports. Plus, if you don’t have a firm direction in life, then you’ll have nothing to stand for, which will cause you to fail her shit tests.
THE 3RD TRIAL: SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY
No person is an island. Our lives rise and fall in communities. Our standing in the community has a huge effect on our quality of life and long-term chances of survival. The more you can help a woman improve her social standing, the more her ghost will tell her what a good catch you are.
Impress her family, friends, and frenemies.
Women are more socially-minded than men. Men tend to solve problems by going into their man cave and thinking really hard. Women tend to talk about their problems with people close to them and use that as a vehicle to work through their decision-making process. One of the biggest life decisions anyone makes is who to spend their life with. Any man who wants a woman to think well of him would be wise to make her family, friends, and frenemies think well him. Then those people will whisper positive, encouraging things to her about him, helping her make up her mind. When a man pisses off everyone close to a woman, they inevitably whisper negative things him into the woman’s ear.
Elevate her place in the social hierarchy.
This is as true today as it was 40,000 years ago; The more members of your community who look up to you, the more likely you (and your mate) are to survive and thrive. The more members of your community who look down on you, the less likely you (and your mate) are to survive and thrive. Popularity is a tremendously valuable commodity. The more social capital a man has, the more valuable he is as a mate. The more unpopular a man is, the more of a liability he is to his mate.
If a woman catches a man who other women want (like a hot musician), it will raise her social value even if that man doesn’t have a good job and wouldn’t be a good provider. The fact that she beat the rest of the women in the competition, makes her the alpha female for the day. She probably won’t stay with the guy forever, but if he doesn’t want her to anyway then both people got something they wanted.
You don’t have to be a rock star to impress women, mainly you just have to look successful. Probably the easiest way to accomplish this is to own a very expensive looking car, like a used Porsche. Ask anyone who owns a Porsche, women will try to date you just so that other women will see them in your Porsche. If this makes women sound petty, let me redeem myself by pointing out that, statistically speaking, most women will fall madly in love with a man who has little to no social value. Many women would never even consider dating a musician or Porsche owner. However, it should come as no surprise that musicians and Porsche owners have less difficulty finding dates than Sci Fi nerds who live in their mothers’ basement.
THE 4TH TRIAL: SELF-ESTEEM
Once your survival is secured, you can (and will) turn your attention to higher-level, more abstract goals, such as developing your identity. The more you can help another person achieve that goal, the more useful of a mate you are.
Make her feel good and smile.
This is a simple yet powerful truth: Everyone wants to feel good. So we naturally gravitate towards people who make us smile, and we recoil from people who make us frown. The more you can make a girl smile, the more reasons you give her to keep coming back to you. The less you make her smile, and the more you make her frown, the more reasons you give her to stay away from you. That’s not to say that emo kids never get dates. It’s just to say that funny kids get more dates than emo kids.
The world is often cold and unloving. We all have pain that needs soothing and insecurities that need diffusing. We all put tons of work in looking and acting nice, but we rarely get any positive feedback for our efforts. It’s the easiest thing in the world to compliment someone, and the joy it brings can last for the rest of their life. The more you build up a woman, the more she’ll want to spend more time with you. And when she’s with you, she’ll want to build you up. If you abandon her emotionally, she’ll likely reciprocate the gesture.
Do thoughtful things for her.
Women like compliments, but compliments only reveal so much about a man’s character. Women like it when men spend money on them, but anyone can spend money; it doesn’t necessarily prove anything other than the fact that you have money. Doing something thoughtful for a woman shows that you know her inside and out and are willing to go out of your way for her. It demonstrates virtue on multiple levels, which gives women multiple reasons to be attracted to you.
THE 5TH TRIAL: SELF-ACTUALIZATION
When all of life’s trials have been conquered, the only thing left to do is achieve self-actualization. This is the cherry on top of the love cake. If you can pass the fifth trial then you can connect with your lover on the deepest emotional, mental and spiritual levels. However, if this is the only trial you can pass, you’re probably more of a liability than a boon for a woman.
Single women aren’t just looking for a man-machine that’s programmed to be responsible for half the household bills and chores. They’re looking for a living, breathing, meaningful person to look them in the eyes and see who they are. They want to share their soul with someone who will cherish, nurture and remember them. They want to connect with a lover so completely that they become the Yin to the other’s Yang. In order to get to that point, men need to pay attention to their lover. Analyze them and connect the dots. Learn their wants, fears, hopes, ambitions, traumas, ticks, etc.
This is a win/win for everyone. It’s a joy for a man to explore a wonderful woman, and it’s gratifying to her to be valued enough to be explored. Once two people understand each other, they can operate like one person with four hands. Life experiences that intimate are some of the best memories to look back on in old age. We’re all desperate to have such meaningful, blissful experiences. Women who don’t get that out of her relationship are likely to go looking for it elsewhere, because it’s important, and they deserve it.
A word of warning to men: Very few women want to share their life story on a first, second or third date. Intimacy is earned one day at a time. Be patient, and respect women’s privacy.
Tell her you love her.
What women really hear when a man says, “I love you.” is, “You’re worth being loved. You’re valuable, and your value is recognized. I don’t want anyone but you. I’ll be there for you when you need me. You don’t have to worry. You don’t have to stress. You’re home. You win.” Women want to hear that, and they have little motivation to leave a man who is committed to her and makes them feel like a goddess. That’s ultimately what they’re looking for.
Improve your beingness.
Old traumas can keep us living in the past mentally, and worries about the future can distract us from living the moment. But life happens in the here and now, and if you’re not present for it, you won’t be able to make the most of it. This is especially true when you’re with another person (and even truer when you’re having sex). To truly experience another person you both need to be able to let go of the past and the future and be in the present together. If you never do that, your mate may start to feel alone even if she never leaves your side.
Improve your sexual technique.
Sexual pleasure isn’t vital for survival. There are plenty of women who are madly in love with men who aren’t that great in bed, which is a shame because sexual technique can be learned. Even if a woman can accept a man who is bad in bed, she’d prefer to not have to, and she shouldn’t have to. It’s mindboggling that men put so much effort into trying to get women in bed, but they don’t put that same level of commitment into what happens next. Women want to be pleasured sexually. So if you want to impress a woman, study how to be good at sex.
Accept her as she is: crazy.
Women and men’s brains work slightly differently. Men tend to think more analytically and goal-oriented. Men gravitate towards mathematics and engineering more than women. When men go shopping, they walk directly to what they need, purchase it and leave. Women tend to think more holistically, nonlinear, and social-minded. Their skill set gives them “women’s intuition,” which helps them understand people better intuitively. Women gravitate to social science careers more than men. When women go shopping they try on lots of clothes and experience them.
Neither way of thinking is inherently better, but feminine thinking can seem insane to men, and masculine thinking can seem insane to women. To men, thinking like a man is the norm. In a woman’s head, thinking like a woman is the norm. So when we see members of the opposite sex acting abnormally relative to our norm, we often perceive the other’s behavior as irrational and insane.
In every relationship, men and women do little things that baffle and annoy the other. To win the war, you’ve got to pick and choose your battles. If a woman does something that seems crazy, but it’s not hurting anyone, let it slide. She doesn’t need to be corrected. She doesn’t need to be fixed. She needs a man who will accept her and not constantly tell her she’s wrong for being herself.
Respect is a two-way street though. If you have to tuck your balls behind your legs and watch Lifetime movies with her every night to keep her happy, you might consider leaving her for someone who will accept and respect your masculinity as much as you accept and respect her femininity.
Also be wary of women who play the “Bridget Jones’ Diary” card too often. Yes, you should accept your lover as they are, but they should be proactively engaged in a lifelong quest for self-growth. If your lover angrily refuses to change and constantly demands dogmatic acceptance, the problem might not be that you’re an insensitive, selfish man. The problem may be that she’s refusing to accept responsibility for her actions. You deserve to be cared about and built up just as much as she does. If she drags you down more than she builds you up then the cost/benefit analysis of staying with her doesn’t add up, and she doesn’t deserve you. Staying with her doesn’t make you a noble lover. It makes you a willing victim.
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