Category Archives: Dating Advice

The Futility Of Being Fake

Part of growing up is struggling with confidence and the temptation to act fake to impress people. The benefits of being fake are obvious and endless. It can get you laid, make and keep friends, get you a job, a promotion, a higher social status, awards, and fame. But at the same time, being fake has hidden costs.

The highest cost is that it defeats the purpose of life. You’re here to be you. If you’re not going to be you then there’s little point for you to be here; you’re just killing time until you die. In order to truly live and love you need to be yourself. When you behave genuinely you express and grow your identity, and that’s important. That’s life. Even if you get friends and riches from being fake, it’s a hollow victory. It’s winning a battle but losing the war.

 

"You were born to be real, not perfect. You're here to be you, not to be what someone else wants you to be."

 

Even if people smile to your face and swear they like you, there’s a very good chance that they’ll be lying to you as much as you’re lying to them. People don’t like fake people, and people are experts at spotting fakeness. Even if they want you to be fake to them, and even if they demand that you be fake to them, they’ll always know you as a fake. Even if they genuinely like you in certain ways, they’ll always know you’re a fake, and they won’t be able to respect you as much as they would otherwise.

Even if you make enemies by being yourself, you’ll still have a certain amount of your enemy’s respect because you had the integrity to stand up for yourself and stand for something in the life. Even if they don’t respect you, you can respect yourself, and that’s all that really matters. Everyone takes their self-respect to the grave individually. When we’re dead it doesn’t matter what anyone else thought about us. We go to eternity as individuals, and all we take with us is with us is who we are.

Having said that, there are deeply rewarding social benefits to be gained from being honest and genuine, even if that means closing a few doors and burning a few bridges in the process. If you’re honest with other people, then they’re more likely to be honest with you. Everybody’s exhausted by the pretending game, and it’s a relief to talk to a genuine person you don’t have to wear your heavy glass mask around.

 

When two people’s relationship is defined by mutual dishonesty, then all they’re really doing is using each other to see what they can get from each other. The people you’re dishonest with are effectively tools to you, but when you’re honest with people and they’re honest with you then can truly experience each other’s company. What more could you ask from life than getting to experience the inner warmth and beauty of the people around you? Those are the experiences you cherish most, but you won’t get those by being fake.

Still, nobody wants to look back on their life and see conflict. If you’re genuine with people, eventually someone is going to disagree with you and pull your card. They’re going to test you, and if you don’t tell them what they want to hear they’re going to want to punish you. Sometimes it’s smart to tell a maniac what they want to hear even if you don’t mean it, but in everyday life standing up for yourself will usually just mean that somebody barks at you and then won’t hang around you anymore. It’s a shame that you two human beings couldn’t get along and enjoy experiencing each other’s unique perspective, but that was inevitable.

Regardless of whether or not you’re fake or genuine, there was always going to be a certain percentage of the people you meet in life who were never going to like you, and frankly, they’re doing you a favor by not liking you. There are over six billion people in the world, and most of them have incompatible interests. There’s a very small percentage of the people in the world who have all the right interests, attributes, beliefs, personalities, values, attitudes and skills that click euphorically with yours. Sure, you’ll get along with people from all walks of life, but most of them will bore you. You’ll only meet a few people cut from the same cloth as you who you instantly hit it off with and become soul mates with. You have a very short life to find these potential soul mates and build a lifetime of experiences together before you take your history to the grave forever. You don’t have any time to waste. If somebody gets pissed off at you for being yourself, then you can wish them the best of luck as they fuck off and not waste any more of your precious time.

Before you can meet people whose souls are compatible with yours, you have to become yourself. The only way to become yourself is by being yourself. It takes a lot of mistakes and a lot of practice. Every second you spend not being yourself is time eternally and irrevocably lost that could have been spent becoming more you. Every second you waste is another second that you risk not meeting and clicking with a potential soul mate. This is unfortunate for you and your potential friends and family.

 

 

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10 Character Traits To Look For In A Long-Term Romantic Partner

1: They’re proactively engaged in a lifelong quest for knowledge and growth.

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who actively, consciously and consistently learn new things, explore their interests and expand their horizons… and those who sit there and stagnate and become dull and flawed. If you spend your life with the first kind of person, they’ll lift you up as they lift themselves up. The latter type will drag you down like a boat anchor. Not only will they keep you from achieving your external goals, but after you spend enough years with another person you’ll adopt their personality. If that person is a dullard, you’ll become one too. Then that will be the reality you’ll experience for the rest of your life.

Facing life alone will make you a more vibrant person than living in cold comfort with a child stuck in an adult’s body. The more time you spend becoming a strong individual, the more you’ll attract similar mates. Once you find the right one, you can spend the rest of your lives moving forward together.

 

 

2: They’re not self-centered, demanding, or judgmental

When two people share their time, resources and energy equally, they can accomplish more together than they could have alone. That’s called a symbiotic relationship. When one person takes everything the other has and barely gives anything back, that’s called a parasitic relationship, and it’s not sustainable. When one person constantly empties their bucket and never gets it replenished, they eventually run dry. Then they start acting frustrated and resentful. When the spoiled, codependent parasite doesn’t get what they want, they start throwing tantrums. It’s a vicious cycle that inevitably ends in a dramatic breakup that leaves the host broke and depressed while the parasite just moves on to the next host without learning any life lessons.

Nobody is all-good or all-bad. There are millions of self-centered, demanding, judgmental parasites out there who are smart, interesting, funny, strong, successful, attractive and moderately generous. They have enough going for them to make you consider looking past their selfishness. Maybe they do deserve a chance, but if you give it to them, proceed with caution. Self-centered people can be generous and charming when they want something from you, but their prime prerogative is themselves. Sooner or later you’re going to take a back seat to their ego, and your needs will be treated as less important than their wants. Don’t be surprised when you wake up one day and realize that your life is just an accessory to theirs.

 

3: They’re able to take criticism and accept responsibility for their actions.

You can’t become a better person if you never change. Specifically, you need to figure out what your bad habits and character flaws are, and fix them. You shouldn’t even wait for someone else to point out your flaws. You should be proactively searching yourself for them and finding ways to fix them before they bother anyone else enough to call you out. If you do that, not only will you be happier and more successful in life, but you’ll be an ideal mate. Someone would be very lucky to spend the rest of their life with you.

You don’t need luck to find the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Pay attention to your dates. If they automatically get defensive and angry every time anyone points out their flaws, then be very cautious of that person. They’re probably never going to change. They’re going to build an impenetrable wall of circular, logic-proof, self-fulfilling excuses around their ego that will protect them from ever having to accept responsibility for their actions. They’ll never grow because they already believe they’re perfect. As they stagnate in their own ignorant arrogance, they’re going to get more toxic and more stuck in their ways.

If they’re unwilling to accept responsibility for the problems they create, they’re going to have to find someone else to blame, and it will inevitably be you. You have precious little time on this Earth to find yourself, identify your dreams and work towards achieving them. If you have to spend half your life defending yourself from irrational accusations and cleaning up someone else’s messes, you’re probably not going achieve your dreams. Even if you do make it, you’ll probably still be miserable. You’ll also find that as you grow and change while your partner stays the same, your goals will gradually become different. Eventually, you’ll probably find that you’re both moving in different directions. When that happens your toxic partner will probably harass you to give up your stupid dreams. They’ll continue to make you feel bad for being yourself and hold you back from fulfilling your potential.

 

 

4: They think rationally.

Sanity is defined: “having or showing reason, sound judgment, or good sense.”

mental illness exists when “ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function.”

Unreasonable people with bad judgment and no common sense are always stressed out over nothing, and they turn simple tasks into major disasters. Irrational people are effectively insane. I’m not saying they’re bad people. None of us are perfect, and we all deserve to be loved. I’m just saying, spending the rest of your life with someone who has a condition that causes them to be a danger to themselves and others and needs to be managed constantly, is a huge and costly responsibility.

Hunky meat head studs and ditzy blonde bimbos make great one night stands (if you use a condom), but they make bad life-partners because they’re better at ignoring and creating problems than solving them. Improving your quality of life depends on solving the problems that make your life suck. So if you want to be happy and secure in your old age (when you and your partner’s looks have faded) then marry Sherlock Holmes.

 

5: They have the same or compatible domestic goals/standards.

You’re going to spend most of your life either at work or at home. When you look back at life on your deathbed, about half of what you see will be your house. It’s half of your reality. It’s half of your universe. Spending that much time in the same environment will shape who you are and how you feel. So it’s vitally important that your home fits you. The decorations, cost, noise-level, pace, cleaning schedule, etc. should fit your personality. If your environment fits you like a glove, you’re going to find it pretty easy to be happy. If your environment doesn’t fit you at all, you’re going to find it pretty hard to be happy.

When you move in with another person, you have to share your environment. So it’s equally important that both of you fit your environment. If your partner is stifled by your environment, then they’ll get frustrated and stressed. Then you’ll have to live with a frustrated, stressed person, and that will frustrate and stress you out. The cycle can escalate quickly and lead to new problems.

Obviously, people who share a house will have to make compromises, and couples who communicate rationally will be able to find common ground peacefully. But the more you have to compromise, the less often both people get what they want. If nobody ever really gets what they want, you have to wonder why you’re together when you could just as easily be with someone else who wants to live the same way you do.

 

6: They have the same or compatible interests and passions.

If you have no personality, interests, hobbies, ambition or style then you’ll be happiest living with another blank person. Ideally, you have found some topic or hobby that you’re so passionate about that you clear your schedule to make time for it. That will give your life meaning and direction, which will make you a healthy life-partner. If you’re going to share a house with another person for the rest of your life, you should pick someone else who has a passion of their own. It’ll keep them growing and glowing, which will make them a positive force in your life.

If your partner discourages you from doing the thing that defines you and gives you joy then they either don’t understand or care about you. You’re not going to be happy if you spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t understand and care about you. If your partner loved you, they would encourage your hobby. If your passion is bowling, then you should find someone who will buy you bowling-related gifts on your birthday and won’t mind coming to watch you bowl. You might also strongly consider finding someone who enjoys bowling as much as you do. Then neither of you will have to take time out of your schedule to support the other’s passion. Plus, sharing your passion is a profound connection for you to bond over.

 

7: They have the same or compatible philosophies on life.

No two people are going to see eye to eye on everything. So finding the perfect person for you isn’t a matter of finding someone who always agrees with you. You can be perfectly happy with someone who doesn’t even believe in the same religion as you. The thing about that is, your belief system guides your actions. People with the same belief system as you are likely to have compatible domestic and long-term goals as you. Plus, sharing similar beliefs is a huge bond you share. You don’t have to share that bond, but it’s nice if you can get it… and with over 7 billion people in the world, you can find it if you look hard enough.

 

 

8: They’re financially responsible.

When most people move in with a long-term partner, they do it for love, not because it’s a cold, calculated business decision. Little did you know, moving in with someone is the biggest financial decision you’ll ever make in your life. Live with someone long enough, and all of your finances will become tied together.

In a world that revolves around finance, you can’t live a decent quality of life without money. Housing, food, clothes, and free time all cost money. Nothing is more expensive than retirement, and that takes a lifetime of financial responsibility to save up for. You might find temporary happiness with a poor, charming, irresponsible job-hopper, but they’re not going to help you build a secure life for you and your children. They’re going to bleed you into perpetual poverty. Since one of the biggest causes of divorce is financial problems, your relationship probably isn’t going to last forever anyway. It’ll just hold you back for a while.

 

9: They treat you with kindness.

There’s no point being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you with kindness. That’s half the point of being with someone: they treat you well, and your life is better with them than without them. Even if you’re patient enough to put up with an unkind lover (which is an oxymoron), they’re going to empty your bucket sooner rather than later, and the longer you stay with them, the more miserable you’re going to be. There’s no point being with someone who isn’t kind. Even if they’re a good provider, they’re just helping you survive to be miserable another day. You should spend the rest of your life with someone who regularly goes out of their way to say and do little things to make you smile and feel good about yourself. That’s a person worth waking up next to every day for the rest of your life.

 

10: They build you up.

When assessing potential long-term romantic partners, the question you have to ask yourself is, “Do they build me up, or tear me down?” The more they build you up, the more seriously you should consider spending more time with them. The more they tear you down, the quicker you should untether your life from theirs.

 

 

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15 Tips On Internet Dating

1: The goal is not to attract as many people as possible. It’s to attract the most compatible person possible.

This piece of advice is implied in most of the steps on this list, but it’s so important that I posted it as its own entry to emphasize the point. Even if your goal is just to have casual sex with strangers, you’re still looking for a specific kind of person. The way you find the most compatible person for you is to weed out everyone who is incompatible, which is at least 80% of the people out there.

Good dating sites help you weed out the competition by making you answer questions so it can calculate your compatibility with other users based on their answers. The more honestly you answer those questions the better the site can point you in the right direction.

The more honest your pictures are and the more completely and accurately your written profile reflects who you are the more your profile will attract compatible matches and repel incompatible ones. So don’t try to put your most polished foot forward. Put your real foot forward and let the chips fall where they may.

 

 

2: Post a picture of yourself.

It’s perfectly acceptable to make a generic profile with no picture if you just want to lurk on dating sites and check out the smorgasbord anonymously. But if you’re actually looking for a date, put a picture of yourself on your profile. You might be scared to do that because you have insecurities about your attractiveness. But if a potential date doesn’t find your picture attractive then they’re not going to find you attractive in real life, and it’s probably not going to work out between you. Putting up a picture saves everyone’s time. At any rate, potential dates deserve to know what you look like, and not posting a picture of yourself tells them that you have something to hide, which will discourage them from contacting you.

If you are too insecure to post a picture of yourself then you’re probably too insecure to have a truly successful relationship. I say this in the nicest possible way: you should see a therapist before jumping into the dating pool. You have some healing you need to do. You deserve it, and you owe it to your future partner.

 

3: Post a clear picture of yourself that accurately captures your appearance.

Again, there’s no point hiding what you look like. People who aren’t going to like you aren’t going to like you. That’s the cold, hard reality of the dating scene. Accept it, and act accordingly. You need someone in your life who will accept you for who you are anyway, and you future partner needs someone who is honest with them.

If you’re so attractive that you feel the need to post slightly uglier pictures of yourself to discourage horn dogs from messaging you, understand that you’re also discouraging good people from messaging you as well. You might say to yourself, “But I don’t want to date someone who would only date me if I’m beautiful.” To that I would say, stop being a hypocrite. There are certain people you would never consider dating based solely on their appearance. We all pretend like there isn’t a petty bone in our body, but the cold, hard reality of dating is that water rises to its own level. We all know where we fit in the attractiveness spectrum, and statistically speaking we’re probably going to end up messaging and eventually settling down with someone in our range. There are good people with specific standards. Don’t help them overlook you.

 

4: Guys, don’t post shirtless mirror pics.

Shirtless mirror pics scream, “I’m vain,” and vain people are selfish. Selfish people aren’t good partners. Posting shirtless mirror pics repels girls who are looking for more than just sex.

 

Picture of a shirtless man wearing large gold chains and a backwards baseball cap taking a selfie in his bathroom

 

5: If you can write a description under the pictures you post then do it.

It gives people a better idea of who you are and whether you’re compatible with them. Use the tools you’re given.

 

6: Don’t fill out your profile with generic information. Express yourself.

It’s perfectly okay to make a generic profile if you’re just lurking, but if you’re looking for a real relationship you should fill out your profile as completely and honestly as possible.

If you’re uncomfortable sharing personal information then you should probably see a therapist before jumping into the dating pool with both feet. Your insecurities are a symptom of a larger problem that will surface in all your relationships. For you sake as well as your future partners, get help.

If the only thing you profile says is that family and friends are important to you and that you like getting out of the house, watching movies and hanging out with friends then all you’ve really said is that you have a pulse. Everyone feels that way; it goes without saying. So if that’s all you say then you’re really saying you have no personality. That’s what you’re telling potential suitors anyway. You may be exactly what someone else is looking for, but if you don’t show them that you’re that person they’re going to overlook you.

You may not want to share too much about yourself out of fear that it will scare people away. If what you say about yourself scares someone away… that’s great! That’s what it’s supposed to do. It’s supposed to scare away the +80% of people who are incompatible with you.

If there really isn’t any more to your personality than the bare basics then you need to go traveling and find yourself. Being basic is no way to go through life, because being a dull person yields a dull life. The more you explore new passions and define yourself the happier and more fulfilling your life will become, and as you define yourself you define who is compatible with you.

There’s no one, right way to fill out your profile, but the following outline provides a useful starting point:

Explain what most defines you. What type of personality do you have? What do you like to do? What’s important to you? What do you believe? What do you hope to accomplish in life.

Explain what you’re doing with your life these days.

Explain what kind of a person you’re looking for.

Explain what kind of person you’re not looking for.

 

7: Use proper grammar.

Using poor grammar and typing in text talk like this, “Hi wuz up!? I think ur hot. LOL. Write bck plz.!,” screams, “I’m dumb.” You might feel that’s harsh and judgmental, and maybe it is, but for right or wrong, that’s the message it sends.

If you’re only looking for anti-intellectuals then feel free to type like you’re a 13-year-old on a cell phone. But if you really do possess the intellect of a teenager I would strongly urge you to consider taking a break from dating and focusing on educating yourself. Knowledge is important. It’s like having a superpower. I guarantee that it will make you a better person and a better partner.

 

"The fact that you failed to spell check your online dating profile gives me serious doubts about your attention to detail in bed."

 

8: Don’t use “wink” or “like” buttons to express an interest in someone.

It’s the equivalent of having your friend tell someone you like them. It conveys that you’re not confident enough to approach them directly.

 

9: Unless you just want sex, don’t message people with catcalls.

Don’t send people messages that just say, “You’re hot.” “Hi, cutie.” “Message me.” “How you doing?” etc.

These types of messages convey one of three things:

1. You’re just looking for sex.

2. You’re too insecure to send a real message.

3. You’re too simpleminded to communicate effectively.

 

10: Make your first message personal, but keep it simple.

The first time you message a person, write a brief statement about who you are and what piqued your interest in them. Then offer to meet them for an informal date. Then click “send.”

If you drone on and on about yourself you’re going to come off as self-absorbed. If you drone on and one about the other person you’re going to come across as clingy.

You don’t need to tell people your life story before meeting them. You don’t need to know their life story, and you don’t need to woo them. You’ll know within a few minutes of meeting each other whether there’s a connection between you. By just skipping to the chase and offering to meet you minimize your chance of making a fool of yourself, and you save everyone a lot of time and energy.

You want to make your message short and sweet, but you don’t want it to be so simple that it sounds like a cut and pasted template. People are more likely to respond to you if you show that you’re genuinely interested in something about them and that you have something in common.

 

11: Don’t message people if you’re not going to respond to their reply.

I’ve noticed a strange trend on internet dating sites, and I’ve talked to other people who have experienced it too. People will send you a message introducing their self. But when you write back and offer to meet up, they never write back. It’s frustrating and disrespectful. I don’t know why people do this, but stop it.

 

12: Have an informal first date.

Going on a big, fancy expensive first date may seem like putting your best foot forward. If you’re just looking for sex then it’s a good way to impress someone in the short term, but if your goal for a first date is to measure compatibility then you’re hurting yourself because all the glamour and glitz serves as a mask that hides your true selves.

The fewer pretenses you put up on your first date the more likely you are to connect on a real, personal level, and the more likely you are to recognize incompatibility. You might feel like a failure if you leave an informal date knowing that there will never be a second date, but the date wasn’t a failure. It succeeded at weeding out one more incompatible person.

 

13: Be attractive.

Even though I advise against getting too dressed up, I would also advise against being too informal. The simple truth is that people are attracted to attractive people. It’s in our DNA. You might have the best personality in the world, but if you show up on a first date badly in need of a haircut and wearing sweatpants you’re just slitting your own throat.

There’s more to attractiveness than just how beautiful your face is. It’s the total package from your haircut to the length of your fingernails to how you smell to how well you dress. If you look like you’re successful and well-groomed then you will exude attractiveness. If you present yourself like a slob you’ll be taken for a slob and will likely find yourself sitting alone at the end of a failed date. The problem isn’t that the other person was too judgmental. The problem is that you sold yourself short.

 

 

14: Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

Again, the success of a first date is not determined by whether or not there’s a second date. Success is determined by whether or not you connect with someone you’re compatible with, and securing a second date with someone you’re not compatible with counts as a failure.

If you are compatible, the other person won’t be able to connect with you if you behave vaguely and safely without revealing your true personality. If you’re not compatible, the other person needs to know that, and they won’t if you don’t show them.

 

15: If you’re just coming out of a traumatic breakup you should consider putting off dating for a while.

There are a lot of people on dating sites who will say flat out not to message them if you’re just getting over an ex and are an emotional wreck at the moment. That request seems harsh and arrogant, but there’s some validity to it. It’s hard (maybe even impossible) to build a healthy relationship with someone who is still getting over an ex.

After a big breakup you may feel alone and think that the best way to heal is to find love again as soon as possible, but there’s a good chance that the best thing you can do to heal, recoup and redefine yourself as an individual (as opposed to a member of your last relationship) is to spend some time alone.

If you’re feeling angry, hurt, lost and/or suicidal, find a therapist to help you work through your feelings. If nothing else, read this book: Getting Past your Breakup.

 

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10 Tips On Flirting

1: Love yourself.

 

"Loving yourself isn't vanity. It's is sanity." Andre Gide

 

If you love yourself, you probably won’t be afraid to talk to the opposite sex. You won’t have reason to doubt yourself, and you won’t be offended by rejection. You probably won’t be rejected though, because you’ll be an infectiously enjoyable person. When you finally settle down in a relationship, you’ll probably make a great partner, because you’ll have a lot of patience and be easy to get along with. And you won’t even have to muster up inner strength to behave this way because it’ll just be how you are.

If you look down on yourself and beat yourself up all the time, you’ve already set yourself up to fail at flirting and being in a relationship. You’re going to give yourself a panic attack just stressing out over talking to the opposite sex in the first place. Your conversations are going to be forced and awkward for everyone involved. If you do ever get in a relationship, you’re not going to make your partner smile, and eventually, your unhappiness will make them feel like a failure. In the end, they’ll probably leave you for someone who lifts them up emotionally instead of dragging them down.

If this describes you, understand that no amount of inner strength is going to help you lift the rock crushing your morale. The problem is that you don’t understand your true worth. Someone convinced you to base your self-worth on shortsighted criteria, and you need to talk to a therapist about realigning your perception of reality. You deserve to be loved, particularly by yourself. If you’re willing to put a lot of work into getting laid or married, then put a lot of work into loving yourself. When you do that, you’ll naturally cultivate most of the character traits that members of the opposite sex find attractive.

 

2: Find your target audience, and market yourself to them

Life is short, and you’re not getting any younger. You don’t have time to waste hoping your one true love falls in your lap by chance. Speed up the process by figuring out what kind of a person you’re looking for. Then figure out what kind of places those people go. Then go there.

If you’re already pursuing your passion in life, if you’re already living somewhere you love doing things you love, then you’re already in the perfect place to find someone who shares your values and goals. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and there’s a good chance you actually will run into your soul mate. If you’re not pursuing your passions, then that’s the first reason you haven’t found someone you’re compatible with. You’re in the wrong place.

If you don’t have any passions at all then there’s nothing inside you to be compatible with. In that case, you’ll be most compatible with other people who don’t have any personality, and you might have the best chance of finding someone you click with at Wal~Mart.

 

Picture of an obese woman shopping at Wal-Mart, wearing a shirt that says, "Biscuits N' Porn"

 

3: Put your best foot forward.

Most people decide whether you’ll ever have a chance of sleeping with them within five seconds of meeting you… before you even say a word. We’re able to make that judgment so quickly because a picture is worth a thousand words, and the way you present yourself is equivalent to giving a silent dissertation about yourself.

This means, if you’re going to stress out over how to get someone to have sex or fall in love with you, then stress out overlooking sexy and successful. If you can look sexy and successful, then even if you do screw up your pickup line, it won’t matter because the other person will already be hooked. If you don’t put any effort into your appearance, you may as well stop reading, because the rest of this guide isn’t going to help you. Your target will have already made up their mind about you, and there will be little you can do to redeem yourself.

 

4: The first look

Every romantic encounter/relationship must follow this logical progression of events: Look, talk, touch, sex. Everything begins with a look. After all, how can you have sex with someone if you’ve never seen them? So the first thing you have to do in order to pick up a date is get them to look at you. If you already look good, they’ll already be interested in talking to you.

If you can get all the other guys or girls in the room looking at you, then each individual person will want you more, because competition for a resource drives up the perceived value of that resource. If you’re a rare resource that multiple people want, they’ll each pay a higher price to beat the competition. For example, a sexy, successful musician doesn’t need to flirt. He could actually be a horrible person, but if every girl in a crowd knows that every other girl in the crowd wants him, he can just sit back and let them pump up his value like a penny stock in a boiler room until the women are scratching each other’s faces to win the man all the other girls want.

 

Picture of a girl saying, "Whoa! Cute guy alert!"

 

You can also use this concept to pick up serious dates. Find what you’re passionate about in life, and then host an event related to your passion. If you love reading, start a book club. If you love music, host music classes or small concerts. Start a meetup group or find some other way to put yourself in a position where people you want to date will look up to you. That will attract the kind of people you’re looking for in the first place, and those people will associate you as an alpha member of the pack. Then they’ll be the ones using pickup lines on you.

 

5: The first talk

After making eye contact, the only way a romantic encounter can move forward is for the two people to talk. Both men and women overthink this way too much. In reality, talking to the opposite sex is simple and logical. I’ll walk you through it.

When entering a flirting scenario, your first goal is to exchange names. Until they know your name, you don’t exist, and they can’t have sex with someone who doesn’t exist. After you’ve exchanged names you become a real human being with a life and future. You also gain power over them. Dale Carnegie once said, “The sweetest word anyone can hear in any language is their own name.” Flattery will get you everywhere, and it’s flattering to simply hear your own name because it highlights your existence and makes you center of attention. When someone addresses you by your name, it means they know who you are, and that’s intimate. If you ever hope to sleep with a person, you need to establish a consistent track record of shared intimate experiences. You can begin establishing a history of intimacy with another person immediately by simply using their name in conversation a few times.

 

"Remember taht a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language." Dale Carnegie

 

Of course, they need to know more about you than your just your name to determine if you’re worth sleeping with. Talking to them gives you the opportunity to shape their impression of you. You don’t need to convince them that you’re the most impressive human being to ever walk the earth. You just need to convince them that you’re worth spending more time with, and you don’t have to blow their mind to accomplish that. All you have to do is make them smile, and that’s very easy to do. All you have to do is compliment them. But directly complimenting their physical body can come across as creepy. Instead, try complimenting their clothes or haircut, because when you compliment something they chose, you’re not only complimenting their external appearance, you’re also complimenting their decision-making skills. Plus, if you like something they like then that means you have something in common.

Excessively bragging about yourself usually backfires for several reasons. First, it makes you look like a selfish, arrogant prick. Even if you’re not trying to be arrogant, people only want to be a little impressed by you. The bigger and better your life is than theirs, the more intimidating you are and the less you have in common.

Nobody wants to hear about your life anyway. Most people would rather talk about themselves than listen to you jerk yourself off. If you have no idea what to talk to a stranger about, just ask them about themselves. If you can get them talking about themselves, they’ll probably have a great time talking to you even though they pretty much did all the work. That’s not to say you should grill them on their entire life story. Just find out what they’re interested in, and get them to talk about that. Actively listen, and try to throw in a witty comment, joke or compliment every once in a while to keep them smiling. If you can do that, they’ll probably want to talk to you again.

 

6: The first touch

Everyone has a personal space bubble around them that strangers aren’t allowed in. Eventually, you want the person you’re flirting with to let you past all their defenses so you can experience their body completely. How do you transition from being completely shut out to being granted total access? The answer is one degree of intimacy at a time.

Suppose you meet someone you’re attracted to, and the two of you end up hanging out on a regular basis for the next couple of weeks. If the only time you ever touch them is to shake hands, then their mind will subconsciously categorize you as a person who doesn’t enter their personal space. The more normal that becomes, the harder it’ll be to earn permission past their barriers. Sooner rather than later, you’ll be stuck in the friend zone forever.

Ideally, you would find some excuse to touch your date the first time you meet, and handshakes and hugs don’t count. The more times you make physical contact with another person, the more their mind associates you with physical contact, thus the more receptive they’ll be to having more physical contact with you. Obviously, you don’t want to go around groping people, but there are plenty of innocuous ways to touch someone: hugs, pats on the back, shoulder massages, playful shoves, accidentally bumping into them, handing something to them and making sure your hands accidentally touch, feeling their clothes, etc. You can even plan to do activities together that involve physical contact like playing basketball.

Touch is also important because it has powerful and meaningful emotional effects. Babies will die in their cribs if they’re not touched. People who receive massage therapy will sometimes cry or laugh hysterically because the physical touch of the therapist triggers a somato-emotional release. Human touch can have a powerful effect on the human psyche. It’s powerful almost to the point of being magical. This is valuable to know in life in general. If you want to heal someone or bring them closer to you, then touch them more often.

Everyone in the dating scene is looking for someone who will hold them in their arms and make them feel safe. The sooner you establish a pattern of safe physical contact, the sooner they’ll start looking at you like the person who is going to hold them for the rest of their life… or at least the night. The longer you go without touching them, the more their subconscious will associate you with touching.

 

 

7: Take a chance.

Women can separate the boys from the men just by standing around and seeing who has the courage to talk to her. Introducing one’s self is just the first test you have to pass to get laid or married. At the end of the first conversation, you’ll need to ask for the other person’s number and schedule a date. After you’ve been involved with someone romantically for a while, eventually you’ll want to risk confessing your love to them and maybe ask them to spend the rest of their life with you.

It can be scary to ask someone to take their relationship with you to the next level, but the only thing there really is to fear is fear itself. If you love yourself, you can survive and thrive on your own. If someone turns you down, you look at it as their loss… not that anyone has to be the bad guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and most of them aren’t right for you anyway. Finding love is like inventing the light bulb. You have to find 10,000 things that don’t work in order to find the one that does. So getting rejected is usually more of a win than a loss.

 

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take."

 

Asking for someone’s telephone number or hand in marriage might seem like putting your head on the chopping block, but that would only be true if the person you’re hitting on is an executioner. Most people don’t look forward to judging and hurting everyone who hits on them. We want people to hit on us, and we want them to succeed. Even when we do turn someone down, we usually don’t see them as pathetic losers who stuck their nose where it didn’t belong. We see them as that person who had the confidence to punch above their weight class.

You might strike out the first time you go up to bat, but the game isn’t over until everyone is married or dead. If someone turns you down, and you take it with dignity, make a joke out of it, and let them know they may still have a chance with you if they ever change their mind, there’s a good chance that the next time they’re deciding who to drunk dial, they might remember how confident you were in the face of defeat. Then they might decide they want someone strong like you to hold them tonight.

I’m not saying that only incomplete, immature people feel fear and shame. Fear is healthy, and the secret to overcoming fear isn’t to avoid it. The secret is to feel it and do the thing you’re scared of anyway. The more times you do that, the less fear will paralyze you. Also, it’s a sign of good mental health for you to feel pain when someone you care about rejects you. That means you’re human. But you simply can’t make a categorical imperative out of letting fear prevent you from taking risks.

If you risk nothing, you gain nothing. If you do nothing, you’ll never live. You won’t lose the game of life by striking out. You’ll lose by never showing up to the game. Ironically, you don’t actually risk anything by flirting. The only way flirting will hurt you is if you beat yourself up over it. If you don’t beat yourself up, then there are no risks. There are only potential gains, and you stand to gain everything you’ve ever wanted.

It can be confusing for men to figure out when a woman wants him to take their relationship to the next level. Women often talk around what they’re trying to say and drop hints leading to what they’re really trying to tell you, leaving men in the dark as to where they actually stand with her. You could try asking her straightforward, but she still might not give you a straight or honest answer. A good way a man can gauge a woman’s intentions is to ask himself, “How much attention is she paying to me, and how hard is she trying to impress me?” If she’s going out of her way for you, she’s telling you something. If she’s not, then she’s not that into you.

 

Man trying to ignore a woman as she pats him on the shoulder annoyingly while saying, "Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, talk to me."

 

Women also misunderstand how men communicate. Men don’t communicate with each other by talking around what they’re saying and dropping hints. They communicate by speaking directly and saying what they mean. If you want to tell a man something, it helps to speak his language. If your man isn’t getting the hint, don’t rack your brain trying to figure out a better way to drop hints. The problem isn’t that you’re bad at dropping hints. The problem is that you’re playing cryptic mind games instead of speaking directly to him in his native language.

If you see a sexy guy anywhere, you can just walk up to him and say, “Hey, you seem interesting. Feel like talking?” He’ll probably thank his lucky stars he found a girl he doesn’t have to play mind games with, and he would probably love to talk to you. However, it would creep a lot of men out if a woman approached him and said, “You’re hot. Let’s have sex.” Granted, there are a lot of men who would agree to have sex without even thinking about it, but they may view that woman as desperate, which means they can do better.

Women, after the first date, and for the rest of your life, you don’t need to play games with men to get them to like you. All you have to do is communicate openly with them. If/when you do talk around what you’re really trying to say, drop hints, and play mind games, your man probably won’t understand what you’re trying to tell him, and it will frustrate him. Also, understand that when your man communicates with you, he’s probably going to speak to you directly. The younger he is the more likely he is to not even know that men and women communicate differently. I’m not saying it’s every woman’s responsibility to think and act exactly like a man all the time. I’m just forewarning you what to expect from men.

 

8: Continue to look and be attractive, successful, ambitious and kind

First impressions are important, but every day is important, and the best always have style. If you only own one nice pair of clothes that you wear to parties, you’re going to slowly lose your partner’s interest. If you always dress to impress and wear nice underwear, you’ll continually rekindle your partner’s interest in you.

If you don’t have a stable job or any ambitions then you’re not a good catch. You’re a liability. You might be cute, funny, genuine and inspiring, but you can’t buy baby clothes with a great personality. I’m just saying, don’t expect someone to take care of you for the long haul if you can’t take care of them at all.

The more you can make a person smile the first time you meet them, the more they’ll want to see you a second time. The more you make a person smile the second time you see them, the more they’ll want to see you a third time. If you make them smile every day, they’ll look forward to seeing you every day, but when you stop making them smile they’ll stop wanting to be around you. You make people smile by looking attractive, having a refreshingly positive outlook on life, being funny, supportive, witty, useful and good at sex.

It’s also worth emphasizing that compliments aren’t just for first impressions. Everyone wants to have sex with someone who can make them feel beautiful and special for a night. Everyone wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who always makes them feel beautiful and special.

 

"Good news gorgeous! Flattery works!"

 

If you always present yourself as sexy, successful, confident, ambitious and pleasant to be around, then you won’t have to chase after love interests. All you’ll have to do is keep showing up and being a joy to be around, and love interests will chase after you. In fact, if you have to constantly chase after someone and fight and beg for them to pay attention to you, you’re probably wasting your time. If they were interested in you, they’d already be paying attention to you.

If you keep pestering someone long enough, you might be able to win them over. But before you go through all that trouble, ask yourself what it says about them that they don’t already recognize how wonderful you are? Sure, they might have some virtues that make them worth pursuing, but life is short, and there are millions of wonderful lovers out there who would go out of their way to be with you if they only knew you existed. It would probably be a better use of your time to look for those lovers instead of trying to convince someone who’s just not that into you that they’re wrong about what they want.

The more desperately you want someone, the more power you give them over you, and the less likely they are to ever date you. This is petty, but we don’t do it because we’re evil. We do it because our brains are so extensively designed to operate on autopilot that very we’re easy to manipulate. You see, everyone is looking for the most valuable mate, and if we can date out of our league, so much the better for us and our children. Also, when there’s a lack of supply of a resource, the perceived value of the resource increases. For these reasons, it makes you look like more valuable mate when someone knows they can’t have you.

On the other side of the coin, when you stalk someone, you send the message that they’re out of your league. Even if you really are a great match for them, they might not recognize it after you get done telling them what a small fish you are.

This is a big part of why women have a reputation for dating jerks instead of nerds with a heart of gold. This is also why some of the more sociopathic dating guides instruct men to insult women. Sadly, it often works, because it creates the perception that the man is out of the woman’s league. In my opinion, if you’re hurting and consciously manipulating your date then you’ve failed at being a good lover and a good person. So I wouldn’t suggest insulting your date. You don’t have to establish your dominance over them anyway. Just be their equal, and don’t go out of your way to put yourself beneath them.

 

9: Have fun.

You usually have to take someone on a few dates before they let you have sex with them, and you usually have to court them even longer before they’ll let you marry them. This raises the question, how do you keep someone interested in you throughout the courtship phase, let alone the rest of your life?

All you have to do to keep someone interested in you is keep them smiling. Unfortunately, men and women both make this way harder than it has to be. If you’re stressing over how to make someone smile, you’re overthinking it. You don’t have to do much. You almost don’t have to do anything. As long as you do the things that make you smile, then chances are you’re going to make the people around you smile. If you’re taking care of yourself, and you’re happy with your life, then you’ll be fun to be around. If you don’t fulfill your own wants and do the things you enjoy, then you’ll sulk around like the hollow vessel you are. So, if you want people to enjoy being around you, then just have fun yourself, and your good vibes will infect everyone around you.

If your schedule is already filled with personally rewarding activities, then you won’t need to rack your brain trying to figure out where to take a date. Just bring them along with you to do the things you were going to do anyway. They’ll have fun, and it’ll help them get to know you. You’ll demonstrate how interesting and proactive you are, and if they don’t enjoy your favorite activities, then you’ll know not to invest any more time pursuing a deeper relationship with them. That date didn’t fail. It succeeded in informing you to move on.

Remember that the person you’re flirting with is also an independent person who has their own interests. The quickest, easiest way to make people happy is to give them what they want. So if you want to take someone on a date that they’ll be sure to enjoy, just find out what their interests are, and then cater to those interests. If they love the symphony, then buy two tickets to the symphony. If they like hiking, then plan a hiking trip. If they like dogs, then do something with dogs. You don’t need to sit around racking your brain trying to figure out what to do to make someone happy. Just ask them what they like to do, and then go do those things with them.

 

Man asking a girl, "What do you want?"

 

10: Be yourself.

The meaning of life is not to be someone else’s slave. If you change everything about yourself to please someone else, that makes you a hollow, empty person. If you succeed at impressing your date that way, you’ll fail at the larger goal of becoming yourself. If you never become yourself, then you’ll never fulfill any of your own goals with which to draw purpose, happiness, and confidence from. Then there will be nothing for your partner to connect to, let alone admire in you. Sure, you’ll be a great slave, but you’ll be boring and emotionally unsatisfying. Plus, as pleased as your partner may be by your obedience, they’ll come to see you as unworthy of their love since you made it so clear how out of your league they are.

 

"Don't change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you."

 

Men who dress like Don Draper and women who dress like Jessica Rabbit will get dates, but that doesn’t mean you should. It’s mentally unhealthy to change everything about yourself to please another person, and the goal of dating isn’t to impress every person you talk to anyway. The goal is to find the right person for you. If you succeed at bringing the wrong person home, then you’ve failed at dating. If your date won’t accept you for who you are, then they’re not the person you’re looking for anyway. Be yourself, and be relieved by the fact that your unique style is going to drive away at least a third of the dating pool, because the more people who run away from you, the easier it is to pick out your soul mate from the people who are left.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

Sex positions and techniques
General Sex Advice
Dating Advice
Relationship Advice
Philosophy of Sexuality
Friendship
My Tweets About Romance

 


Tips On Impressing Women Using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Note 1: All women are different, and every individual woman changes over time, which means it’s impossible to make universal generalizations about women. However, if you want to impress them, you need to have some kind of understanding of how they think and behave. This guide is a starting point, and it makes a lot of generalizations. Take them with a grain of salt, and pay attention to the woman you’re trying to impress to figure out her specific wants.

Note 2: Also, understand that you can get more dates by changing your entire life to be everything women want, and many men have had great success with the ladies doing just that. But what does it say about you if you change your entire identity to satisfy someone else’s expectations? It kind of makes you an empty slave. Neither gender was put on this earth to be a slave to the other. We’re all individuals with an opportunity and responsibility to define and express our own individuality. Incidentally, the more we become ourselves, the more of a complete person we can share with our lover. So before you change your ways to impress a woman, ask yourself if you should.

EVOLUTIONARY PSYCHOLOGY IS THE MOST USEFUL WAY TO UNDERSTAND DATING

There are more anatomical differences between men and women than just our sex organs. Our entire bodies are filled with subtle differences, which optimize our gender-specific role in reproduction. Just as our bodies are wired a little different, so are our brains. Everyone’s brain are hardwired with instincts that subconsciously manipulate our decision-making process into doing things that will improve our chances of passing our genes on through an ideal mate. We’re not complete automatons, but we’re not completely free or unique either.

We’re all looking for the ideal mate, and even if we don’t have any idea what he or she looks like, the instinctual autopilot ghosts inside our heads do. They’re looking for a mate who can help us and our offspring climb Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Think of the five stages of the Hierarchy of Needs as 5 trials a man has to complete in order to impress the instinctual ghost in a woman’s brain. You don’t complete these trials one after the other though. You complete all of them simultaneously. If you can pass the test and prove to her subconscious that you can help her and her offspring fulfill their potential, then the primal part of her brain will tell her to be attracted to you even if she doesn’t want or need you to actually provide for her and her offspring. This doesn’t guarantee she’ll marry you, just that part of her will be interested in you. The rest is up to you.

THE 1ST TRIAL: SURVIVAL PSYCHOLOGY

No matter how funny, educated or exciting you are, if you can’t help a woman and her offspring survive, then you’re not a very attractive mate.  Even women who make enough money to be the breadwinner of the household are still instinctively more attracted to men who look success than to men who don’t.  So if you want women to be attracted to you, give them a reason to believe you would be a strong, stable provider.

Be attractive (in all 5 senses).

You can value and respect all body sizes and types and still be attracted to attractive people without being shallow and petty. In fact, we don’t have much of a choice. Our instincts determine what we find sexually attractive, and women tend to be attracted to well-dressed, well-groomed, clean, muscular men who smell nice. If being attracted to that kind of man is petty, then Mother Nature is petty… but she’s not really. She’s pragmatic. The human race needs the healthiest members of the species to mate and evolve. Women are like bees looking for a man-flower to pollinate, and the men with the brightest petals attract the most bees. That’s life.

I’m not saying every man should be a professional model (though I will say that every model will attract women). But it’s naïve for out of shape men to complain about how they can’t get a date. The reason they can’t get a date isn’t because women are petty. They can’t get a date because Mother Nature is telling women not to date them.

If you still think that’s petty and unfair, then consider this: It’s not fair to your family for you to die from a preventable disease halfway through your life. You should be in shape and eating healthy anyway. Getting more dates is just one of the many benefits of taking care of yourself.

Look at the situation from a woman’s point of view. Any woman in the world can have sex today if she wanted. All she has to do is go outside and ask every man she sees to sleep with her, and sooner rather than later, a man will agree. When a woman does sleep with a man, he enters her body and imprints himself on her physically, emotionally and mentally. The quality of the man who enters her is indicative of her quality as a person.

Look successful.

Probably the single most defining attribute of an ideal mate is success. The more successful a man is, the better he’ll be able to produce and provide for children to carry on their mother’s DNA. If you want women to look at you with hunger, then look successful, because success is what rings their Pavlovian bell.

Granted, not every woman wants to marry a man who dresses like Don Draper, but there are more ways to look good than just in a business suit. The important thing is that you’re clean and well groomed. Your clothes fit flatteringly. You have style, and you project the message that you’re collected and ambitious. If you can achieve that, you’ll turn heads.

Consider the alternative. A grown man who wears a tank top and pajamas to the grocery store doesn’t send out any signals that he can support a family. That’s not to say that men who dress like The Big Lebowski are bad people who don’t deserve dates; the goal in life isn’t to be the perfect boy toy. The goal is to be the perfect you. Just understand that the less effort you put into looking successful, the less the sight of you is going to light up the erogenous zones in women’s brains.

Have a stable, well-paying job.

Having a stable, well-paying job is part of being a responsible adult. It’s not too much for women to ask their life partner to be a responsible adult and pull his own weight. It’s not that women need a man to provide for them, but it is extremely important to most women that their man has a stable, well-paying job.

Granted, every woman knows there’s more to a man than just his job title and paycheck. Unemployed men still deserve love. However, all men should be mindful of the fact that there are about 4 billion other wonderful men in the world who also deserve love… and have a job.

If you’re willing to put a lot of work into attracting women, then start by putting a lot of work into getting a stable, well-paying job. Just make sure that your job is personally rewarding to you. Don’t spend your life at a grueling office job you hate just to impress women. Any joy you take from your relationships will be overshadowed by the misery you experience at work, and the stress will inevitably affect your home life, degrading and destroying the relationships you sacrificed your happiness for in the first place.

Show ambition.

A man with ambition is going places, and women who are with ambitious men go places with them. It’s not petty of women to want a man who can help them get ahead in life. If anything, you could argue it would be irresponsible for a woman to invest in a man who won’t improve her quality of life.

Regardless of how successful a man is or becomes, simply by being ambitious, he demonstrates forward thinking, purpose, strength, commitment and many more virtues for the woman at his side (or watching him from across the room) to admire in him.

Spend money on women.

Everybody likes to have money spent on them. Everyone likes receiving presents; just look at how popular birthdays, Christmas and Valentine Day are. Not only is it nice to get new stuff you didn’t have to pay for, but receiving a present makes you feel special. And who doesn’t want to feel special? Plus, when a man gives a gift to a woman, he demonstrates his ability to provide for her and her offspring in the future.

THE 2ND TRIAL: SAFETY PSYCHOLOGY

It takes more than a healthy body and a job to be a good mate. Life is long and full of unexpected dangers. Granted, life isn’t as dangerous as it used to be. So men might not have to slay a lion to pass the second trial, but they do need to give women a reason to believe the concrete jungle isn’t going to eat them and their family alive.

Appear confident.

One of the simplest tests men have to pass in order to prove themselves is whether or not he has the courage to talk to a woman in the first place. One of the easiest ways for a woman to weed out the boys from the men is to stand around and see who has the courage to talk to her. Granted, just because a man has the courage to talk to a woman doesn’t guarantee he’s a fearless prince with a heart of gold, but what is a woman supposed to think about a man who doesn’t even have the courage to approach her?

Women don’t need a savior or protector, but they’re attracted to men they could rely on if need be. One of the easiest ways to guess how capable a man is at overcoming life’s adversities is by looking at his posture and listening to his voice. A shaky, insecure tone of voice demonstrates a lack of faith in ones’ self, which is usually based on experience. A direct, confident tone of voice is usually forged by experiencing success. Granted, you can fake a confident tone of voice, but life is always testing us. Men who stand up for themselves, think clearly under pressure and take risks will continue to impress their mates. Men who shrink from life’s challenges tend to lose their mate’s interest.

Be decisive and proactive.

Some women are looking for a knight in shining armor to sweep them off their feet and carry them off to a castle. Most women don’t need that, but everyone can benefit from having a competent, capable partner to watch their back, fight alongside them and carry them when need be. Women don’t expect men to be superheroes, but there’s something sexy about a man who can take charge of a situation and make order out of chaos. It demonstrates a general sense of responsibility and dependability. Another reason for women to admire decisive, proactive behavior is because men who know what they want and go after it, often achieve their goals. And when they succeed, their family succeeds.

Being indecisive and only reacting to what life throws at you is not a recipe for success. That’s more of a recipe for cowardice, and cowards don’t tend to get far in life. You can’t depend on a coward. In fact, cowards need to be taken care of. Women can be very good at taking care of their man, but with 4 billion men competing for every woman’s attention, why should a woman pick a lovable coward over a lovable trailblazer?

Make a commitment to her.

You may have a lot going for you, but that doesn’t mean much to a woman if you’re not going to be faithful to her. Life is short, and women have little motive to invest their time in a man who is just going to leave her. Granted, asking a woman for her hand in marriage on a first date is probably going to freak her out, but so will texting another girl while you’re on said date.

Own your life and pursue meaningful goals

Women want to be with a man who is going to accomplish great things and be happy with himself and his life. If you’re not going anywhere in life, then neither will the woman in your life. She has higher ambitions than watching you eat potato chips and watch sports. Plus, if you don’t have a firm direction in life, then you’ll have nothing to stand for, which will cause you to fail her shit tests.

THE 3RD TRIAL: SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY

No person is an island. Our lives rise and fall in communities. Our standing in the community has a huge effect on our quality of life and long-term chances of survival. The more you can help a woman improve her social standing, the more her ghost will tell her what a good catch you are.

Impress her family, friends, and frenemies.

Women are more socially-minded than men. Men tend to solve problems by going into their man cave and thinking really hard. Women tend to talk about their problems with people close to them and use that as a vehicle to work through their decision-making process. One of the biggest life decisions anyone makes is who to spend their life with. Any man who wants a woman to think well of him would be wise to make her family, friends, and frenemies think well him. Then those people will whisper positive, encouraging things to her about him, helping her make up her mind. When a man pisses off everyone close to a woman, they inevitably whisper negative things him into the woman’s ear.

Elevate her place in the social hierarchy.

This is as true today as it was 40,000 years ago; The more members of your community who look up to you, the more likely you (and your mate) are to survive and thrive. The more members of your community who look down on you, the less likely you (and your mate) are to survive and thrive. Popularity is a tremendously valuable commodity. The more social capital a man has, the more valuable he is as a mate. The more unpopular a man is, the more of a liability he is to his mate.

If a woman catches a man who other women want (like a hot musician), it will raise her social value even if that man doesn’t have a good job and wouldn’t be a good provider. The fact that she beat the rest of the women in the competition, makes her the alpha female for the day. She probably won’t stay with the guy forever, but if he doesn’t want her to anyway then both people got something they wanted.

You don’t have to be a rock star to impress women, mainly you just have to look successful. Probably the easiest way to accomplish this is to own a very expensive looking car, like a used Porsche. Ask anyone who owns a Porsche, women will try to date you just so that other women will see them in your Porsche. If this makes women sound petty, let me redeem myself by pointing out that, statistically speaking, most women will fall madly in love with a man who has little to no social value. Many women would never even consider dating a musician or Porsche owner. However, it should come as no surprise that musicians and Porsche owners have less difficulty finding dates than Sci Fi nerds who live in their mothers’ basement.

THE 4TH TRIAL: SELF-ESTEEM

Once your survival is secured, you can (and will) turn your attention to higher-level, more abstract goals, such as developing your identity. The more you can help another person achieve that goal, the more useful of a mate you are.

Make her feel good and smile.

This is a simple yet powerful truth: Everyone wants to feel good. So we naturally gravitate towards people who make us smile, and we recoil from people who make us frown. The more you can make a girl smile, the more reasons you give her to keep coming back to you. The less you make her smile, and the more you make her frown, the more reasons you give her to stay away from you. That’s not to say that emo kids never get dates. It’s just to say that funny kids get more dates than emo kids.

Compliment her.

The world is often cold and unloving. We all have pain that needs soothing and insecurities that need diffusing. We all put tons of work in looking and acting nice, but we rarely get any positive feedback for our efforts. It’s the easiest thing in the world to compliment someone, and the joy it brings can last for the rest of their life. The more you build up a woman, the more she’ll want to spend more time with you. And when she’s with you, she’ll want to build you up. If you abandon her emotionally, she’ll likely reciprocate the gesture.

Do thoughtful things for her.

Women like compliments, but compliments only reveal so much about a man’s character. Women like it when men spend money on them, but anyone can spend money; it doesn’t necessarily prove anything other than the fact that you have money. Doing something thoughtful for a woman shows that you know her inside and out and are willing to go out of your way for her. It demonstrates virtue on multiple levels, which gives women multiple reasons to be attracted to you.

THE 5TH TRIAL: SELF-ACTUALIZATION

When all of life’s trials have been conquered, the only thing left to do is achieve self-actualization. This is the cherry on top of the love cake. If you can pass the fifth trial then you can connect with your lover on the deepest emotional, mental and spiritual levels. However, if this is the only trial you can pass, you’re probably more of a liability than a boon for a woman.

Understand her.

Single women aren’t just looking for a man-machine that’s programmed to be responsible for half the household bills and chores. They’re looking for a living, breathing, meaningful person to look them in the eyes and see who they are. They want to share their soul with someone who will cherish, nurture and remember them. They want to connect with a lover so completely that they become the Yin to the other’s Yang. In order to get to that point, men need to pay attention to their lover. Analyze them and connect the dots. Learn their wants, fears, hopes, ambitions, traumas, ticks, etc.

This is a win/win for everyone. It’s a joy for a man to explore a wonderful woman, and it’s gratifying to her to be valued enough to be explored. Once two people understand each other, they can operate like one person with four hands. Life experiences that intimate are some of the best memories to look back on in old age. We’re all desperate to have such meaningful, blissful experiences. Women who don’t get that out of her relationship are likely to go looking for it elsewhere, because it’s important, and they deserve it.

A word of warning to men: Very few women want to share their life story on a first, second or third date. Intimacy is earned one day at a time. Be patient, and respect women’s privacy.

Tell her you love her.

What women really hear when a man says, “I love you.” is, “You’re worth being loved. You’re valuable, and your value is recognized. I don’t want anyone but you. I’ll be there for you when you need me. You don’t have to worry. You don’t have to stress. You’re home. You win.” Women want to hear that, and they have little motivation to leave a man who is committed to her and makes them feel like a goddess. That’s ultimately what they’re looking for.

Improve your beingness.

Old traumas can keep us living in the past mentally, and worries about the future can distract us from living the moment. But life happens in the here and now, and if you’re not present for it, you won’t be able to make the most of it. This is especially true when you’re with another person (and even truer when you’re having sex). To truly experience another person you both need to be able to let go of the past and the future and be in the present together. If you never do that, your mate may start to feel alone even if she never leaves your side.

Improve your sexual technique.

Sexual pleasure isn’t vital for survival. There are plenty of women who are madly in love with men who aren’t that great in bed, which is a shame because sexual technique can be learned. Even if a woman can accept a man who is bad in bed, she’d prefer to not have to, and she shouldn’t have to. It’s mindboggling that men put so much effort into trying to get women in bed, but they don’t put that same level of commitment into what happens next. Women want to be pleasured sexually. So if you want to impress a woman, study how to be good at sex.

Accept her as she is: crazy.

Women and men’s brains work slightly differently. Men tend to think more analytically and goal-oriented. Men gravitate towards mathematics and engineering more than women. When men go shopping, they walk directly to what they need, purchase it and leave. Women tend to think more holistically, nonlinear, and social-minded. Their skill set gives them “women’s intuition,” which helps them understand people better intuitively. Women gravitate to social science careers more than men. When women go shopping they try on lots of clothes and experience them.

Neither way of thinking is inherently better, but feminine thinking can seem insane to men, and masculine thinking can seem insane to women. To men, thinking like a man is the norm. In a woman’s head, thinking like a woman is the norm. So when we see members of the opposite sex acting abnormally relative to our norm, we often perceive the other’s behavior as irrational and insane.

In every relationship, men and women do little things that baffle and annoy the other. To win the war, you’ve got to pick and choose your battles. If a woman does something that seems crazy, but it’s not hurting anyone, let it slide. She doesn’t need to be corrected. She doesn’t need to be fixed. She needs a man who will accept her and not constantly tell her she’s wrong for being herself.

Respect is a two-way street though. If you have to tuck your balls behind your legs and watch Lifetime movies with her every night to keep her happy, you might consider leaving her for someone who will accept and respect your masculinity as much as you accept and respect her femininity.

Also be wary of women who play the “Bridget Jones’ Diary” card too often. Yes, you should accept your lover as they are, but they should be proactively engaged in a lifelong quest for self-growth. If your lover angrily refuses to change and constantly demands dogmatic acceptance, the problem might not be that you’re an insensitive, selfish man. The problem may be that she’s refusing to accept responsibility for her actions. You deserve to be cared about and built up just as much as she does. If she drags you down more than she builds you up then the cost/benefit analysis of staying with her doesn’t add up, and she doesn’t deserve you. Staying with her doesn’t make you a noble lover. It makes you a willing victim.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

Sex positions and techniques
General Sex Advice
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Relationship Advice
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Tips On Impressing Men Using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

TL;DR: If you want to make a man attracted to you, then fill his needs.

 

EVOLUTIONARY PSYCHOLOGY IS THE BEST WAY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT MEN WANT

 

Men typically aren’t looking for a tall, dark and handsome woman to hold him in her strong arms at night and be a successful breadwinner who his frenemies will be jealous of. What men are looking for is a woman who will be their caretaker and copilot through their lifelong quest to find themselves and provide for their family. The reason men are looking for that kind of woman is because she compliments the demands society places on men, and evolution has programmed men’s brains to understand this even if they don’t consciously understand it themselves.

Men and women’s entire bodies are filled with subtle differences, which optimize our gender-specific role in reproduction. Everyone’s brain is hardwired with instincts that subconsciously manipulate our decision-making process into doing things that will improve our chances of passing our genes on through an ideal mate. We’re not complete automatons, but we’re not completely free or unique either.

We’re all looking for the ideal mate, and even if we don’t have any idea what he or she looks like, the instinctual autopilot ghosts inside our heads do. They’re looking for a mate who can help us and our offspring climb Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

 

 

Think of the five stages of the Hierarchy of Needs as five fronts in man’s battle against the world. The more a woman can assist him in each of those battles, the more valuable and thus attractive of a life partner she’ll be… and the more he’ll want to fight for her.

 

THE 1ST FRONT: SURVIVAL PSYCHOLOGY

 

Life is a battle for survival. You can lose every other battle in life and keep going, but not the battle for survival. When you show a man you can give birth to healthy babies and help him and his offspring survive and thrive, you give him a reason to want you in his life. He might not think in those terms, but the instinctual evolutionary ghosts inside his head do. He might even have inflexible reasons for staying single and childless, but if you send the right signals to the ghosts in his head, they’ll put rose-colored glasses over his eyes. He might not change his entire life for you, but a part of him will be attracted to you.

 

Be attractive (in all 5 senses).

Evolution wants us to copulate with the healthiest mate in order to produce the healthiest offspring. So subconsciously we associate indicators of good health with attractiveness. Women are programmed to like big, strong, healthy men who are well groomed, smell nice and dress for success. Men are programmed to be attracted to women with toned skin, vibrant hair, a breast-hip-waist ratio of about 86-61-86 cm, who smell nice and have a soothing voice. Granted, that’s just the middle of the Bell Curve. There are men with fetishes for every conceivable body type, but statistically speaking, women have the highest chance of impressing the most amount of men by being healthy and fit.

You could argue that men should blindly accept women for who they are regardless of their body type, and there’s truth to that statement. There’s also truth to the statement that everyone should be striving to be healthy for their own sake anyway. It’s also true that an unhealthy lifestyle leads to health problems, and your problems become your family’s problems. If you choose to burden your family with unnecessary problems then you’re a liability to them. Men might not fully realize or care about that, but Mother Nature does, and she generally tries to steer men towards healthier members of the dating pool. That’s not petty. It’s practical. Even if it’s unfair, that’s life.

 

Be willing and eager to pleasure him sexually.

It’s the least profound thing in the world to say that men want to have sex. 99% of the male population masturbates because 99% of the male population is effectively addicted to sex. 99% of the male population is searching for a woman who wants to have sex with him. So, after looking sexy, the quickest, most effective way a woman can make a man more attracted to her is to have quality sex with him.

This doesn’t mean that men will automatically commit to and love a woman after she’s had sex with him. Nor does it mean that women should rush into having sex or let every guy they sleep with give them “ass to mouth.” Sex is a major life decision for a woman, and the decision belongs to her completely. She doesn’t owe her body to any man for any reason.

I’m just pointing out that sex is as important to men as success is to women, and if you give someone what they want then they’ll want to be around you more often. Men want sexual pleasure. So the more sexual pleasure you give them, the happier they’ll be, the more likely they’ll want to be around you and reciprocate the happiness you’ve given them.

The only way for couples to understand their partner’s sexual desires by communicating directly and openly. The more conversations you have about your sexual expectations the more successfully you’ll be able to fill them on mutually agreeable terms.

 

 

Help him succeed, and don’t hold him back.

Life is hard for men. They work their butts off and stress over taking care of their family. It’s a profound relief for a man to find a woman who not only acknowledges and respects the weight he’s under but does whatever is in her power to help him succeed. The easier she makes his life, the more valuable of a mate she becomes. Women should be proactively plotting how to build up their man and help him succeed anyway because when he succeeds, the family succeeds. A woman who complains about everything her man does/doesn’t do and won’t lift a finger to help him is just shooting her lover in the heart and herself in the foot.

 

THE 2ND FRONT: PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY

 

Life isn’t lived when you’re constantly fighting for survival. A man is as grateful for a woman who can foster a sense of safety and harmony in his life as a soldier is grateful for a bunker.

 

Be faithful.

There’s no point in a man fighting for a woman who is just going to leave him. When a woman does cheat on a man, it means everything he fought for was in vain. Not only did he lose, he lost because he was betrayed by the very person he was fighting for. Getting cheated on is one of the most humiliating, emasculating tragedies that could happen to a man. If you want another man, then leave the one you have first, because cheating is as cruel as kicking puppies.

Life is war, and war is a lonely, terrifying place when you can’t trust the soldier next to you. If you can though, your worries will be halved, and the two of you will experience an interpersonal bond that transcends all others.

 

Don’t be a gold digger.

Men work hard to provide for their family, and life is as expensive as it can be. Everything we buy costs as much as possible, and the more vital the product or service, the more overpriced it is. You have to go into a lifetime of debt just to get a college degree that opens entry-level career doors, and most jobs pay as little as possible and offer as few benefits as possible. Mortgages are so overpriced that you have to go into another 30 years of debt to buy a house, and even if you can beat the system and save enough for retirement, all of your savings will be wiped out by astronomical health care bills in old age. Our entire economy is designed to make the rich richer by making the poor poorer.  This is the entire reason why so many people have to work as hard and as fast as they can for 40+ hours per week at jobs they hate making barely enough to survive because workers are fighting a battle that they’ve been set up to fail.

The last thing a man needs in his life is a gold digger wasting the money he paid for in blood, setting him and his family back, making him work longer and harder just to keep up. Men are often happy to give away all their money to the woman they’re infatuated or in love with, but in the end, all the added stress that comes with supporting a wasteful spender will make a man frustrated, anxious and depressed. This will make him unpleasant to live with, and the relationship will probably end in flames.

Considering what a burden it is for a man to support a gold digger, imagine what a relief it is to a man to find out that his date isn’t a gold digger. Now, imagine how grateful he would be to find out that his date, not only isn’t a gold digger, but will actually spend money on him. Men never expect women to spend money on them. They expect to be expected to be women’s slaves. When a man finds a woman who helps him financially more than she costs him, he’ll believe he’s found a keeper.

 

Be there when he needs you.

Pampering a man too much makes a baby out of him and a slave out of you. However, men’s minds and bodies take a lot of hits and go through a lot of wear and tear. So they need regular preventative and corrective maintenance. Most of the time all he needs is a pat on the back, a kiss on the forehead, a hug, and a compliment about his penis. As little positive feedback as men get from life, a massage, blowjob, or home-cooked meal can feel like Christmas to a man. So it should come as no surprise that a man will climb a mountain to be with a woman who is there for him when he needs her.

 

 

THE 3RD FRONT: SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY

 

Impress his family and friends.

Everyone takes their relationships seriously. Women talk to their friends and family about the men in their life all the time, and the opinions of their inner circle hold a lot of sway. Men do the same thing. So if you want a guy to like you, it will only help if his friends and family like you.

Insecure girls may try to cause drama with their man’s family to turn him against them in order to keep him all for herself. This twisted plan is almost guaranteed to backfire. He may choose you over his family for a little while, but eventually, he’s going to look around and wonder why he doesn’t have any friends anymore, and he’s going to realize you’re the problem. If you’re going around tearing families apart then you should be single until you get the therapy you obviously need.

 

Don’t lower a man’s rank in the social hierarchy.

Women are generally more turned on by men in authority than men are by women in authority, and women are more excited by the prospect of dating a popular/famous person than men are. Whether or not a woman raises a man’s social standing is usually a non-issue to him. Men are more concerned with what a woman can do for him behind closed doors. Having said that, there’s a limit to how big of a hit a man will take in his reputation for a woman. Basically, as long as you’re not an offensive, repulsive, stinky mutant you should be okay. So if you want to obsess over how you can go above and beyond to make a man attracted to you, don’t focus on how you can improve his reputation. Focus more on how you can make him smile and lower his stress level.

While most adult males aren’t too concerned with popularity, they are concerned with being respected by the people they regularly interact with. Losing the respect of their peers would devastate their sense of self-worth. There’s not much a woman can do to help a man gain the respect of his peers other than helping him succeed in life in general. Even if you could somehow talk a man’s friends into respecting him more, that’s not a woman’s job, and it’s not necessary anyway. All you have to do is not embarrass and emasculate him in front of people he respects. You’d think that would go without saying, but soon-to-be-single women do it every day.

 

 

THE 4TH FRONT: SELF-ESTEEM

 

Make him feel good and smile.

This is a simple yet powerful truth: Everyone wants to feel good. So we naturally gravitate towards people who make us smile, and we recoil from people who make us frown. The more you can make a man smile, the more reasons you give him to keep coming back to you. The less you make him smile, and the more you make him frown, the more reasons you give him to stay away from you. Just generally be a warm compassionate, good person, and your man will probably smile when he’s around you.

 

Boost his confidence.

A man who believes in himself will find a way to overcome any obstacle. A man who doesn’t believe in himself will find a way to screw up every opportunity. Confidence is one of the biggest prerequisites to success. So it should come as no surprise that women find confidence in a man so sexy.

What does come as a surprise is how many women will criticize, insult, and guilt-trip men for failing to live up to their expectations. When a woman lowers a man’s confidence, she reprograms his brain to fail more. When a woman compliments her man out of the blue, praises his success, and reassures him when he fails, she reprograms his brain to succeed more.

Not only is she designing a stronger man to take care of her and her offspring, she’s making him happier. A confident mind is a safe, enjoyable place to live. A self-loathing mind is a horrible place to live. If you give a man a reason to feel better about himself, you give him a reason to come back to you. If you give a man a reason to doubt himself, you give him a reason to recoil from you.

 

Show him you value and appreciate him.

It doesn’t cost anything to say, “You’re special. I care about you. I love you. I appreciate you. You mean the world to me.” When a man hears those words, it validates all the work he’s ever done in his entire life to get where he is today, and it validates all the work he’s put into impressing and catching the woman he’s with. It’s basically telling him, “You win.” Yes, men want to hear that, and they have little motivation to leave a woman who makes him feel like a winner.

You can tell your man you care about him by saying it with a blowjob, a thoughtful gift, a look, or a kiss. How you express your love is limited only by your imagination, but if you never actually verbally articulate to a man in no uncertain terms that you care about him, he’ll eventually start feeling like a loser. He’ll feel empty and hurt inside and start thinking about leaving you for someone he can win with… which would be tragically ironic if you actually did care about him.

 

THE 5TH FRONT: SELF-ACTUALIZATION

 

When all of life’s trials have been conquered, the only thing left to do is achieve self-actualization. This is the cherry on top of the love cake. If you can pass the fifth trial then you can connect with your lover on the deepest emotional, mental and spiritual levels.

 

Understand him.

In order to make a man happy, you have to fulfill his wants. You won’t know what he wants until you understand him. Learn everything you can about him until you know him so well you can predict his wants. But as you’re studying him, understand that you’re not just doing it so that you can be a better servant to him. Most men don’t want to spend the rest of their life with a servant. They want to spend the rest of their life with a woman who gets them.

 

Support his interests.

Most men are looking for a woman to devote their life to, but that doesn’t mean the only thing they want to do with the rest of their life is follow you around like a whipped slave, catering to your every need, and obeying your every command. A man is his own person. He has his own goals and interests, and he takes great personal satisfaction out of pursuing his own path.

When a woman shows interest in a man’s hobbies, she shows interest in the man. When she supports the hobby, she supports the man. When she ignores his interests, she ignores him. When she tells him his interests are stupid and a waste of time, she tells him he’s stupid and a waste of time. Thus, she tells him it would be a stupid, waste of time to stay with her.

 

Don’t emasculate him.

Men should respect and support women’s femininity. Men should be patient with women’s differences and compromise their own behavior to accommodate women’s foreign ways. At the very least, men should not urinate on the toilet seat, argue with women, get impatient when women cry, hang posters of Playboy bunnies in the living room, or expect women to love The Expendables as much as they do.

Every woman in the world can agree that it would be a criminal injustice for a man to force a woman to live exactly like a man. Yet it’s not uncommon for women to try to cut off men’s balls and force them to sit down to pee, hold their purse, hold in their farts, dress metrosexual, drive a pastel-colored car, watch Lifetime movie marathons and never do or say anything remotely masculine. A lot of women see this as finding the perfect man and fixing him, like housebreaking a wild animal. In reality, it’s breaking a man down and killing him inside. It’s caging and torturing a noble stallion.

If you cage a man and try to turn him into something he’s not, he’ll look at the moon every night and dream of running away… as well he should. If you celebrate a man for what he is, and nurture his nature, he’ll look at your face every night and thank his lucky stars he found someone so accepting and supportive.

 

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

Sex positions and techniques
General Sex Advice
Dating Advice
Relationship Advice
Philosophy of Sexuality
Friendship
My Tweets About Romance

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