Tag Archives: sex education

What Are Transexuals? Why Are They Suddenly Popular? Why Do Conservatives Fear Them?

Sexual norms have been changing rapidly in America over the past few decades. In a country that used to have laws against sodomy, homosexuality has become so accepted that gays have been granted the right to marry and serve openly in the military. As shocking as this was to conservative Americans, they’re now having to cope with the fact that transsexuals are being accepted as mainstream celebrities, and the federal government is defending their choice to use bathrooms that match their gender identity.

Some Americans view this sexual revolution as a sign of progress. Others view it as a sign of the apocalypse and predict God is going to burn down America like He did Sodom and Gomorra as punishment for becoming such a perverse society. Others believe sexual tolerance is a liberal conspiracy to erase conservative culture in order to eliminate conservatives as a political opponent. Most Americans aren’t that dramatic or articulate about why they’re unaccepting of transsexuals. If you ask them their opinion, they may say something like this:

“I just don’t get why someone would want to chop their dick off.”

“How is chopping your dick off, not a sign of mental illness?”

“God made us how we’re supposed to be. You can’t change that.”

“If these people are so miserable with who they are, why don’t they just kill themselves?”

“Anyone who wants to dress up like the opposite sex is just a pervert. Plain and simple.”

“A lot of these people saying they identify as another gender just want attention. They’re just doing it because it’s popular.”

America is confused by transsexuals, but the explanation is actually quite simple. It’s just not something conservatives want to hear. Gender is determined by genetics, not by a decision you make. Gender identity isn’t a moral or philosophical question. It has everything to do with DNA and chromosomes. This isn’t a conspiracy. Nobody made up or reverse engineered the evidence for this conclusion. Impartial scientists tweezed apart the building blocks of the human body and reported the facts they found, and anyone can repeat the same experiments and find the same evidence that supports the same conclusions.

Everyone’s DNA is a little different by nature, and everyone has unintended genetic anomalies. Sex chromosomes aren’t black and white. We all fall in a grey spectrum. At the far end of the spectrum, some people are born with the genes of one sex but the body of the other. They have the wrong operating system for the hardware they’re using.

 

 

Transsexuals didn’t ask to be born the way they are, and they don’t like being trapped in the wrong body. Coming to terms with having a mismatched mind and body (let alone living in a society that won’t accept them) is so agonizing that almost half of all transsexuals will attempt suicide at some point in their life. The decision to alter their bodies isn’t something they do flippantly.

Granted, some people with normal chromosomes may choose to identify as the opposite sex because of events that happened to them in childhood or personal preference. Even if sexuality isn’t biological, and it’s only a choice for everyone… people should still have the freedom to do what they want.  Freedom isn’t supposed to be comfortable for anyone other than the individual exercising their freedom.

America has always had its own transgender members. If conservatives didn’t notice, that’s because they ignored, dismissed and oppressed them into oblivion. Conservatives aren’t facing a new enemy. They’re seeing their family for the first time.

There have always been transgender people in every country in the world. Historically, most cultures have treated their transgender members like outcasts. In India and Hawaii, they belonged to the lowest caste, but at least those societies acknowledged the existence of the third gender and incorporated them into the culture.

 

 

Christians are having a hard time accepting their transgender kin because the Bible never mentions DNA, genes, chromosomes or the third gender, but it says in black and white that homosexuality is a sin, and transsexuals are close enough to homosexuals to lump them together.

In Christianity, sin is a matter of life and death. So to Christians, it’s a matter of life and death that everyone acts Christian. From one point of view, taking away other people’s freedom to sin is saving their life. From another Christian perspective, sinners made a decision to turn from God, and the path they’ve chosen leads straight to Hell. Accepting sinners is accepting evil, and officially granting them the legal freedom to sin is tantamount to electing Satan for president.

It should seem suspicious that Christians are so invested in oppressing homosexuals and transsexuals for not living Biblically since Christians have been abandoning the teachings of the Bible since it was written. As clearly as the Torah states homosexuality is wrong, it also states homosexuals should be killed. Polygamy and slavery should be legal. It’s immoral to eat shellfish, wear clothes with mixed fibers, get tattoos, pull your penis out of your wife when you ejaculate, have a wet dream or go to church if your testicles are mutilated. It also says in black and white that you should kill adulterers, disobedient children, witches, and anyone who stands in the way of the Jewish theocracy.

Modern, American Christians don’t believe in these laws or follow them. While Baby Boomers are still deluding themselves into believing they’re Christian, Millennials are not. The world has already woken up from history and is moving on past Christian mythology. When the Baby Boomers die, the era of Christianity will be over. There will still be Christians, but they’ll be an irrelevant, impotent shadow of what they once were. Eventually, they’ll fade away into the history books.

 

 

In the meantime, Christians are left watching in horror and confusion as their culture disappears. Their fear of America becoming a secular nation is validated every time the government passes laws that give homosexuals and transsexuals equal rights. When the government sides against Christianity, it officially declares Christians have lost the culture war. These rulings are nails in Christianity’s coffin.

It’s natural that Christians are frightened by Post-Biblical America and are frustrated with being pushed to the sidelines. It’s to be expected that they would lash out. No matter how many homosexuals and transgender people they harass, it won’t bring Christianity back. Violence and hatred were never going to solve anything anyway.

Now is not the time for hatred. Now is the time for everyone to pause, take a deep breath, and humbly consider the possibility their religion might be mythology. You owe it to yourself to do a few Google searches challenging whatever ideas you refuse to question. If your beliefs stand the most rigorous test of truth, you’ll just strengthen your faith. If you discover mountains of evidence that you’re wrong, you could free yourself from a lifetime of misguidance.

Christians who can’t let go of their modernized, watered-down version of Israel’s ancient mythology will just have to find some way to cope with the fact that transgender people are here to stay because there aren’t enough haters left to successfully oppress them.

When the federal government puts the next coffin nail in Christianity, and Christian anger flares up again, I urge Christians to pause, take another deep breath and ask yourself if you should really be angry that the world won’t accept your prejudices. Maybe you’re not the victim. Maybe you’re on the wrong side of history. You don’t want to be the bad guy. You owe it to yourself to question the beliefs that led you to screaming at people in bathrooms.

 

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Does Penis Size Matter?

Do women prefer men with bigger penises? The short answer to that question is, some do sometimes to some extent, but men are far more worried about penis size than women are. Look at the facts:

  • The average depth of a female vagina is 2.7-5.83 inches, though they expand when sexually aroused and can potentially grow several inches deeper. The average width of a vagina is 1.88-2.48 inches.
  • The average length of the human penis when erect is 5.1-5.9 inches long and 4.8 inches in circumference.

 

 

From this data alone we can deduce that not all women want a 12-inch-long, 6-inch-wide penis fully inserted in their vagina. Petite girls under 5 feet tall (with proportionately sized vaginas) couldn’t take a 12-inch penis inside them. It would literally tear them apart. A 12-inch penis wouldn’t even fit all the way into an average sized woman’s vagina, and cramming it in as far as possible would stretch her out so much it would physically damage her body. Far from being pleasurable, it would be unbearably painful.

If it’s important for a girl to be “filled up,” then the average sized penis is well suited for the average-sized vagina. This is one of those cases in life when average isn’t mediocre; average is statistically ideal. However, on the Bell Curve of sexual cravings, there are a minority of women who prefer above-average sized penises, and there are also women who prefer (and even need) below average-sized penises. Any man with a below average sized penis should consider dating petite girls whose vagina will need a smaller penis.

To this, some men might say, “Wouldn’t a petite girl still prefer an average sized penis since that would be large to them? After all, don’t all women like to be stretched out as much as possible since more is always better?”

The answer to that question is, “not necessarily.” A little stretching can feel good. A lot of stretching usually hurts. Stretching any bodily tissue past its normal limits hurts, especially tissue as sensitive as our all-important sexual organs. If you don’t believe me then ask every woman you know if she’d rather have a penis inside of her that’s a little too big or a little too small for her. Most women would be relieved to have a penis inside them that’s too small if the alternative is to have to endure taking in a penis that is too big.

To this, some men might say, “I don’t believe that, because I’ve been to porn stores, and I’ve seen the massive dildos they sell. I even know women who own and use a dildo the size of a fist. If women didn’t want the biggest penis as possible inside them then why do women buy dildos that big?”

Nobody who has ever worked at a porn store would ask that question. I speak from experience, and I’m not the only member of my family who has worked at a porn store. I can tell you porn stores sell very few dildos the size of a human forearm, and most of the ones they do sell are bought by gay men or frat boys. Take a closer look at the dildos and vibrators for sale at any erotic novelty store, and you’ll see they come in all shapes and sizes, some even as small as a pinky finger. Yeah, some women would literally pay to have something the size of a human pinky finger inserted into their vagina. Think about that.

If you look closer at the sex toys women pay money for, you’ll also notice a lot of them aren’t even designed to be inserted into the vagina at all. They’re designed to stimulate the clitoris, a pencil eraser-sized bump just above the opening of the vagina that contains more pleasure nerve endings than a man’s entire penis. Think about that. The ultimate pleasure device doesn’t even require a penis to operate. If you’ve ever wondered how lesbians can live without dick, that’s how. In fact, most women can’t achieve an orgasm through PIV sex alone. Most women literally can’t have an orgasm unless their clitoris is stimulated. So any man who is more obsessed with the size of his penis than how good he is at going down on a woman doesn’t understand women or their vaginas.

 

 

Technique may be more important to women than size, but meaning is more important than technique. Very few women would turn down the opportunity to have sex with a really great, confident, sweet, funny, strong, successful guy whose penis is smaller than her dildo. In fact, there are millions, if not billions, of women out there who own dildos and are married and totally committed to men whose penises are smaller than their dildos, and those women prefer having their husband’s penis inside them over their larger dildo because, again, sex is about more than penis size. To this, some men may ask, “But if they prefer their husband’s smaller penis then why do they own big dildos at all?”

The answer is because size is a novelty; it’s not the point. If a man bought a pocket pussy he might choose one a little looser or tighter than his lover’s actual vagina, but that has zero bearing on what he thinks about the size of his lover’s vagina, how he feels about her as a person, how badly he wants to fuck her or stay with her for the rest of his life. The same is equally, if not more true for women and their dildos. Sure, using a large vibrating dildo with a clitoral stimulator can be fun, but a dildo is just a piece of plastic. It can’t hold you. It can’t whisper compliments in your ear. It can’t make you feel like the only woman in the world. It can’t sweep you off your feet and offer you a lifetime of love and security. A man with a big cock and a cold heart is worth about as much to a woman as a dildo.

If the thing women wanted most out of sex was to have their genitals stimulated until they blow their load, they could just walk into any gym at any time and walk out with some big stud to have noncommittal sex with, but women don’t do that. They bide their time and choose their sexual partners based on much more than just the size of a man’s organs. What women want most out of sex most of the time is the emotional connection to the person they’re having sex with. They’re in it more for the total mind/body life experience, not the base physical chore of genital rubbing. They measure the quality of a sexual encounter more on whether or not a man can make them feel special than whether or not he works their pussy like a champ. Granted, if he can work their pussy like a champ also then so much the better, but if a women had to choose she’d usually choose emotional pleasure over physical pleasure. At any rate, working a pussy like a champ can be learned and has little to do with dick size. If you’re obsessed with your sexual prowess enough to study how to work a pussy like a champ, you should be more obsessed with how to make a woman glow emotionally, because, again, women are more obsessed with that then having their pussy worked like a champ.

Granted, if a woman found a genie lamp on a beach, and the genie offered to create the perfect man for her unconditionally, there’s a good chance she’d wish for a man with a better body than you have, dick and all. But to be fair, if a man found a genie lamp on a beach, and the genie offered to create the perfect woman for him, he’d probably choose to create a woman with an unrealistically beautiful body. If women are selfish, greedy size queens for wanting a hefty cock inside of them then men are selfish, greedy ass holes for wanting a busty petite beauty queen underneath them. But in reality, nobody is a bad person for being sexually attracted to sexually attractive people.

And in reality, most people will never get to have sex with or marry someone who fits their ideal sexual fantasy anyway. We have to settle for a real person, but we don’t resent the flaws of the people we love. We accept and celebrate them for everything they are. If someone can’t accept you and love you for who you are then you shouldn’t be with that person. If you can’t accept and love yourself for who you are then you won’t make a good partner for anyone.

Sometimes women do insult men’s penis sizes, but if a woman ever insults your penis it’s probably not because the size of your penis is so important to her; it’s more likely because she’s mad at you for something else and is just saying what she knows will hurt you because she knows how important your penis size is to you. If she’s genuinely judgmental and cruel about the size of your penis, the problem still isn’t the size of your penis. The problem is that she’s a petty, shallow human being whose petty, shallow opinions aren’t worth taking seriously.

In the end, neither God nor good women measure the value of a man’s life by the size of his penis. Penis size is more or less an incidental detail, and whatever pleasure (if any) is lost in sex by having a small penis can be more than made up for by giving a woman all the other things that are more important to her.

 

 

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My Theories About Cheating On Tasks And Lovers

CHEATING ON TASKS

My theory on ethics is that the meaning of life is to fulfill your potential, and anything which helps you do that is good, and anything which hinders you is bad. Furthermore, it’s equally good to help other people fulfill their potential as it is to fulfill your own, and it’s equally bad to hinder other people as it is to hinder yourself.

Completing the overall goal of fulfilling your potential requires you to complete trillions of little goals throughout your life. Often times in life you’ll be assigned these tasks by people, like when a teacher gives you an exam. If you need to know the information on that test to accomplish a more important goal in the future, then cheating doesn’t benefit you. However, if the information being tested isn’t important, and the test is just a formality then it would behoove you to pass the test by any means necessary regardless of how you’re told you’re supposed to pass it.

Sometimes rules are best practices and should be followed because they guide you to success. Sometimes rules are just obstacles individuals put in your way for their own reasons. Rules exist to serve people. People don’t exist to serve rules. So if a rule doesn’t benefit you, then it negates its authority. You have no moral obligation to follow arbitrary rules. In those cases, the best thing you can do for yourself is to think outside the box, ignore the rules and take the shortest path from Point A to Point B.

 

"Cheating is just taking the shortest path between point-A and point-B"

 

However, just because you can cheat, and just because a rule may be illogical, that doesn’t mean it’s always in your best interest to cheat because rules usually come with consequences. Anytime you take a risk, you need to do a cost/benefit risk analysis. If you stand to lose more by getting caught than you stand to gain by succeeding, then it’s illogical to take the risk. Sometimes, the quickest shortcut is years of hard work and dedication.

 

CHEATING ON LOVERS

 

Marriage/commitment isn’t commanded or ordained by God. It’s a cultural practice that gives structure to people’s lives. Marriage laws are just rules people thought up and wrote down on paper.

It’s only right to follow a rule when it represents the best instruction to follow to accomplish a goal that helps you fulfill your potential without harming anyone else. When the rules become obstacles between you and your potential, then they’re not a moral imperative. They’re bad ideas, and it would be irresponsible to follow them.

This doesn’t mean you have permission to do whatever you want as long as you justify it by saying you’re fulfilling your potential. The reason we fall in love and make commitments is because it helps us fulfill our potential. It’s a tactical decision we make subconsciously. Our brains analyze other people, size them up, and determine if their assets can help or hinder us achieve the goals that are most important to us. 99.9% of the people we meet fail Cupid’s cost/benefit analysis. Those who score the worst, we ignore, avoid, dislike and even hate. Sometimes we don’t even know why we dislike a person, and we may feel guilty about it, but the reason is because a little “angel” on our shoulder whispered in our ear to beware of them.

Falling in love is the most selfless thing you’ll ever do in the sense that you’ll have to share your destiny and all your worldly assets with another person. On another level, it’s the most selfish thing you’ll ever do, because you’re not just giving away all your stuff to a stranger as a gift. You’re investing your resources in an opportunity that your subconscious speculates will give you the highest return on investment.

This may sound like a stoic speech on love from Ayn Raynd, but the difference between my philosophy and hers is she believes selfishness is the greatest good, and other people are only valuable to the extent that they can help you. I say everyone is equally valuable. Doing things that help you is the definition of responsibility, and being completely selfless is throwing the baby out with the bath water. Virtue lies in finding a healthy balance. So if you and your lover decide you can achieve more together than on your own, then join forces. Just don’t delude yourselves; b honest about the symbiotic nature of your relationship and make the most out of it.

 

"Doing something that helps you is the definition of selfishness, but it's also the definition of responsibility."

 

If you take a lover as an ally in your quest to achieve your goals, be wary of the fact that everyone’s goals change as they grow older. The best life-partner for you as a teenager isn’t necessarily going to be the best life-partner for you as an adult. When culture and laws dictate that relationships have to last forever, and partners should endure whatever miseries it takes to stay together, people end up staying in relationships that aren’t good for anyone. We should be consciously analyzing our lovers to make sure the cost/benefit analysis of staying together continues to add up, and when it doesn’t, we should move on.

If you find yourself in a relationship that is holding you back more than it’s moving you forward, your subconscious Cupid will start whispering in your ear, telling you to leave. No matter how hard you try to consciously convince yourself you’re still in love, your subconscious already did the math and determined you shouldn’t want to be with this person. If you don’t just die inside and accept a life of unfulfilling cold comfort, your heart and hands may stray to another person.

If the new person really is better suited to you than the last, then you should give into temptation and be with them, but you should formally end your previous relationship first. Its purpose for existing is over. So staying with them isn’t helping either of you, but betraying your ex-ally just hurts them and wastes your time by making your life unnecessarily complicated. Yes, breaking up hurts too, but the benefits outweigh the cost.

If you do decide to cheat, and you feel guilty about it afterwards, then you’re hurting yourself unnecessarily, and you’re not going to be able to give your all in your existing relationship, which hurts your partner and lowers their ability to give their all, which leads to a downward spiral of dysfunction and unhappiness.

You may be able to cheat guilt-free and never get caught, and you may tell yourself as long as your partner isn’t hurt by the knowledge of your infidelity, then you can have your cake and eat it too. It may look like you’re maximizing your potential happiness, but if you stand to lose more than you have to gain by cheating, then cheating is illogical. Plus, cheating isn’t free. You have to sacrifice time, effort and honesty to pull it off. If monogamy isn’t your thing, then you should just be with someone who is polyamorous, polygamist or a swinger. Then you won’t have to pay anything for your cake. Or maybe we should all lighten up a little and give each other some leeway.

 

 

If you’re single, and someone who is already in a relationship tries to cheat on their partner with you, technically you’re not breaking any divine law by giving into temptation. However, if your actions hurt the person being cheated on, then you’ve undermined the purpose of life, which is bad and thus wrong. Even if the partner never finds out, the cheater might return to their lover stressed, guilty and distant, and if that doesn’t cause conspicuous pain, it can still degrade the quality of both people’s lives. In that case, the cheater is guilty of their part in the crime, and you’re guilty as an accomplice.

But life isn’t always so simple. If someone wants to cheat on their partner with you, then their heart doesn’t belong to their partner. They’ve already got one foot out the door, and cheating is just a formality that confirms what was already true. Their relationship could have been dead for years. Their partner could be an abusive cheater themselves, in which case, why should you honor a social contract that they don’t? If the contract they have with their partner isn’t important to them, then it’s not important. Fidelity is just a rule someone else told them they have to follow and they pay lip service to but otherwise ignore.

If you fall in love with someone who is perfect for you, and you’re perfect for them, but they’re committed to a terrible person, then by all means, take that lover for yourself. But do it in a way that causes the least harm. Sneaking around with a married person isn’t good for anyone, and neither is waiting for the situation to blow up when the jilted lover discovers the truth.

Life is complicated, and every moral decision needs to be made on a case-by-case basis. Cheating isn’t wrong because someone once wrote in a book that it is. The morality of your actions is based on the fact that life is valuable, and if you value people, then you should help them maximize their life as much as your own. Staying with your lover may not be the quickest path between Point A and Point B, but infidelity tends to be a much longer route… but there are exceptions to every rule.

P.S. Every person I’ve ever known who was a serial cheater, acted extremely possessive of the person they were cheating on. They would constantly check up on them and accuse them of wanting to cheat because they were projecting their guilt and paranoia onto their victim. If you know someone who acts like that, they’re probably cheating.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

Sex positions and techniques
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Philosophy of Sexuality
Friendship
My Tweets About Romance

Introduction To Sex Toys

SEX TOYS FOR WOMEN

 

Dildos and Vibrators

Dildos are plastic penises that women put in their vagina because it feels good. Vibrators are dildos that vibrate, which also feels good. If you’re not sure which one to buy, get a vibrator, and just don’t turn it on when you want it to be a dildo.

Most sex toys (especially dildos and vibrators) are cheaply made mass produced junk. If you’re going to be using a tool to penetrate yourself and achieve physical pleasure, you want the best-designed tool you can get. Ask the clerk at your sex toy store what their best products are, and be prepared to spend between $60-$140.

Dildos and vibrators come in an intimidating range of sizes and styles for two reasons: First, every vagina is different. One size does not fit all. Petite virgin women will need smaller vibrators than bigger, more sexually experienced women. If you’re not sure what size you need, start small and work your way up. If you’re a virgin or have never used a sex toy, you should definitely start small.

Another reason there are so many different kinds of vibrators is because different models are designed to pleasure women in different ways. Here’s a short list of the most popular types of vibrators:

 

Rabbit Vibrator

When a woman wants a really good, all-around orgasm, she uses a rabbit. It’s sleek and it rotates and vibrates, which helps it ease itself into the vagina, and feels great when it’s in inside. All that internal writhing combined with external clitoral stimulation is a recipe for success.

 

Picture of a rabbit vibrator: Basically a dildo with a clitoral stimulator

 

Small Vibrators

Sometimes you want a full-bodied orgasm that hits every spot you’ve got, but oftentimes in life you don’t have the time, energy or privacy to go all out. Sometimes you’re on vacation, and you don’t want to carry a giant android penis around with you. Small vibrators are convenient to have sometimes. You can use them to stimulate your clit and penetrate your vagina. If you have two then you can do both at the same time.

Ladies, if you only use vibrators when you’re alone, you’re missing out on half their potential. If you’ve never been penetrated with a small vibrator while your love goes down on you, you’re missing out a cherishable life experience.

 

Large Vibrators

Sometimes women want a full-bodied orgasm. Sometimes they want a quickie. Sometimes they use a lot of penetration, and other times not so much. But sometimes, every once and a while a woman may have a passing craving to just get filled up to the breaking point of her sanity. She may not know or even want a man with an elephant trunk to service her. So for those occasions when a woman wants to lay in bed with an erotic novel and fantasize about a dirty, sweaty construction worker four times her size, she can dust off her biggest vibrator and play out that fantasy. Note: A very petite woman’s biggest vibrator may be a medium sized vibrator for a larger woman.

FYI: The biggest dildos
and vibrators are usually only bought as gag gifts.

 

G Spot Stimulators

Different vibrators stimulate different parts of the vagina in different ways, and they’re all worth exploring, but sometimes you want to masturbate with a tool that directly targets your two most sensitive pleasure spots: the clitoris and the G-spot. Lucky for you, they make vibrators that do that. In the case of the We-Vibe, you can even wear it comfortably while having sex. Now that’s a recipe for success.

 

Clitoral Stimulators

Women use different amounts of penetration when they masturbate depending on their mood and fantasy, but most women can’t have orgasms through penetration alone. And most women can have an orgasm without any penetration at all because the majority of a woman’s pleasure nerves are in her clitoris. That’s the red button that launches the atomic bombs. When a woman wants to be sure she has a quick, easy body shaking orgasm all she needs to do is stimulate that pleasure button, which is conveniently located outside of her vagina. Luckily, there are a lot of toys that do that. You could always use a vibrator to stimulate your clit, but the motor that moves a vibrator is inside the handle, far away from the part of the toy making contact with the clit. There are other toys designed to provide more direct stimulation to the clit, such as:

 

Eggs

These are discreet and effective. They provide strong clitoral stimulation, and they usually come with a convenient handle that lets you adjust the speed so you can start out slow and gradually increase the speed. They’re a reliable go-to clit stimulator used by millions of women. Cheap ones tend to break quickly though.

 

Picture of a love egg vibrator. Basically a ball attached to a string, attached to a remote controller

 

Magic Wands

If you love your egg but want to take masturbating to the next level, you need a Hitachi Wand. It’s powerful. It’s reliable, and it’s easy to use. The only downside is it’s not discreet, and it won’t fit in your purse.

 

Pocket Rockets

Pocket Rockets are a very popular choice for women who want clitoral stimulation but they want something small and discreet.  These fun toys are about the size and shape of a tube of lipstick, usually with a soft nub on the business end.  They don’t make a lot of noise, won’t break your wallet, and they are perfect for stimulating the clit.  This is a good starter toy for beginners.

 

Other Clit Stimulators

There are a lot of oddly shaped clit stimulators out there, and some of them look very fancy. If you judge them solely by their price tag, they may seem high quality, but at the end of the day, the value of a clit stimulator tends to be measured by how strong its motor is, and how directly it delivers vibrations to the clit. A $110 tiny toy that looks like it came from the future might not deliver as much pleasure as a motorized ball.

 

 Butterfly and Wearable Clit Stimulators

A hands-free device that stimulates the clit is the holy grail of sex toys. There are a few products on the market that have clit stimulators attached to straps or crotchless panties. They’re not bad, but if your body shape isn’t compatible with the product, the clitoral stimulator might not stay on your clit. Hopefully, you can find a pair that works for you.

 

Nipple Clamps

To a white dressed virgin raised in the Bible Belt, nipple clamps may seem like something only a hardcore BDSM dungeon lurker would buy, but consider that most women have sensitive nipples. It feels good when they’re played with. Nipple clamps can help most women with that. Plus, whatever naughty stigmas they may have just makes them all the more delightfully naughty to use. Just do some internet research on the proper use of nipple clamps.

 

Clit Cream

Porn stores sell different creams that are supposed to stimulate the clitoris. They all basically work like Icy Hot, which you should NOT use as a substitute. The cream makes your skin tingle, which is a sensation in and of itself, but your clit also becomes a little more sensitive for a while. Some girls find it overpowering. Some girls get a little more out of it. I’ve never met a girl who used it regularly, but I’m sure there’s someone out there…. Though I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to chemically overstimulate your clit on a regular basis.

 

SEX TOYS FOR MEN

 

Pocket Pussies

99% of men masturbate. There’s a stigma against using toys because it’s seen as lonely and desperate by some people. For just a moment, stop caring about what people might think about what you do in private, and consider this: The more efficiently you stimulate your penis the better orgasms you’ll get. Given the choice, you’d usually rather feel the sensation of a pussy around your cock than your hand. There are a lot of good products that feel like real pussies and will take your masturbating to a higher level. Just be sure to spend the extra money on a good quality product. Clean your toy, and be aware that you can only fuck a piece of latex so many times before it wears out and needs to be replaced.

If you are going to buy a pocket pussy don’t waste your money on a piece of plastic.  It feels like you’re having sex with a beach ball. Spend the money on the squishy ones.  The Fleshlight is the most famous pocket pussy and for good reason. Its suction power can even make your penis bigger and make you last longer in bed.

 

Picture of several fleshlights: Basically a long cup with a latex vagina in it

 

Cock Rings

Cock rings are simple plastic bands that you stick both your dick and balls through so that the ring hugs the base of your cock against your abdomen and behind your balls. This gives you a bigger erection for longer by limiting blood flow away from your penis. It’s a helpful cure for whiskey dick, but if you cut off blood flow to a body part for more than 4 hours gangrene will set in. Research proper us of cock rings, and use them with caution.

 

Clitoral Stimulating Cock Rings

There’s another flavor of cock rings that don’t go behind your balls. You can spot them because they look more like a large ring than a bracelet. They’re usually made of stretchy plastic, and they have a big vibrating clitoral stimulator on the top. This kind of cock ring slips onto your penis like putting a ring on it. If you try to put it on behind your balls you’re going to cut off all circulation to your genitals, and that’s bad. Slide it down to the base of your shaft and then turn it on. In theory, while wearing this device you’ll be able to have PIV sex with a woman and stimulate her clit at the same time. The problem is the cock ring only stimulates her clit when you’re pressed all the way against her, which makes it useless for doggy style sex and only slightly useful for missionary position sex. It works best in the cowgirl position. It’s a fun novelty, but it’s not a must-have for every toy drawer.

 

Penis Pumps

In theory, penis pumps are supposed to make your dick bigger by stretching it out. I know a few men who swear by them, but the Fleshlight’s Stamina Training model would accomplish the same effect, feel better, and not burst your blood vessels.

 

Erection Pills

You can’t buy Viagra at a sex toy store, but you can buy “penis enhancement pills.” They take about 45 minutes to take effect and give you as big of an erection as you’re capable of having for a few hours. You’ll also be able to orgasm multiple times in quick succession without losing your erection. Then, for the next few days, you’ll get big, longer lasting erections more easily. These pills work as advertised, but they’re very hard on your heart. The packages even say not to take more than one pill every 3-6 days. I doubt many doctors would suggest ever taking these pills. If you do use them, consider taking 1/4th or ½ a pill. And don’t use them if you have health problems, especially heart problems.

 

Prostate Massagers

Men have a prostate gland inside their body that can be stimulated through anal penetration. It’s basically the male G-spot. Men who are interested in anal play but have reservations about what they’re willing to put inside of them should look into prostate stimulators. If you’re going to be shoving something up your ass, it may as well be scientifically designed to target the one place you need to stimulate most without stretching you out like a prison rape victim. Throw caution to the wind and buy a slim, high-quality prostate stimulator and you will be rewarded with sinfully intense orgasms.

 

Picture of a vibrating prostate massager with remote controller

 

Condoms

Condoms are like cheese and windshield wipers; if you buy the cheap stuff you’re going to get a cheap product.  Spend the extra few dollars on good condoms, not the stuff you get out of a vending machine in the bathroom of a bowling alley.  Two dollars is a small price compared to the cost of a baby or venereal disease.

Even among higher-priced condoms, there are still a lot of options, but most of those options are hokey novelties. Glow in the dark condoms are juvenile. Ribbed condoms aren’t very popular with the ladies. Flavored condoms are considerate to use when receiving safe oral sex. The safest bet is to just go with extra-lubricated condoms. When you’re getting frisky with a woman and you have to stop to struggle to put on a condom, if you have a hard time getting your covered penis back in her vagina you could lose your erection, which can lead to frustration, shame, and anxiety. Extra lubricated condoms give you a little extra insurance that won’t happen, and they give your sexual partner little extra insurance that they won’t get rubbed raw by a dry condom.

The most pleasurable (and most expensive) condoms for men and women are called lambskin condoms. However, they don’t protect against AIDS. So only use them with a committed partner who you know doesn’t have an STD (at least, not one that you don’t already have).

 

SEX TOYS FOR MEN AND WOMEN

 

Butt Plugs

If you’re new to anal sex, you may be intimidated by the anal isle at your local sex toy store. Books could be written about all the different kind of anal toys there are out there, but for starters, you only need to know about one: butt plugs. Whether you’re exploring anal play alone or with a partner, butt plugs are safe, enjoyable tools to stimulate yourself with or loosen up someone’s back door to prepare them for anal sex.  Experienced anal sex aficionados will usually start with a small butt plug and gradually put larger ones in to loosen up the anus for anal sex.  Most porn stars do this behind the scenes of movies before a shoot.

Do not ever stick a regular vibrator up your ass! Butt plugs and anal stimulators are designed with a wide base so the toys can’t get accidentally sucked into your rectum.  A regular vibrator does not have that fail-safe.

 

Vanilla Toys

Porn stores carry a useful selection of vanilla sex gear that anyone can use to add a little spice to their sex life like games, restraints, oils, edibles, and other stuff. If you’re too nervous to buy anything else the first time you go to a sex store, pick up one of these vanilla accessories.

 

Lubricants

If nothing else, buy some lube.  It’s not just for anal sex. So, what’s the best personal lubricant available? Well, the answer is going to depend on you and your partner’s likes and dislikes with lube. There are literally thousands of options available and you will want to visit a site like Lubricant Reviews in order to read about what options each lube offers. There are water-based lubes, silicone-based lubes, oil-based lubes, homemade lubes and anal lubes, each with their pros and cons. Sex can be complicated sometimes, and lube goes a long way to making the whole experience more enjoyable for both parties. It also goes a long way to prevent uncomfortable, problematic sex sessions, and ensures you won’t experience chaffing or dryness during sex.You probably won’t regret it.

 

BDSM Gear

Porn stores also sell a useful selection of tools like whips, masks, ropes, riding crops, paddles, and gags that are designed to inflict pain and bind the recipients of their use into mental, emotional and physical submission. It’s understandable how that could look and sound bad, but submissive role-playing can be a healthy, happy, nurturing experience when done correctly. If you don’t believe me, there’s plenty of BDSM literature out there that is very interesting to read even if you decide BDSM just isn’t for you. Everyone should own a pair of fuzzy handcuffs.  Metal ones hurt.  If you don’t want a pair of handcuffs laying around the house sex tape is a comfortable alternative that can add some kink to your life without making you feel like a dominatrix.

 

Sex Cushions

Sex cushions take up a lot of shelf space. So smaller stores may not stock many if any of these. You can order them online though, and every sexually active couple should have one or two of these. Sex is two bodies banging together. Great sex is two bodies banging together from comfortable, sustainable positions that often guide the penis towards the G-spot. Sex cushions open up possibilities for to fuck in slightly better positions. That’s worth spending money on.

 

Picture of sex wedge cushions: basically triangle shaped foam cushions

 

Lingerie

Sex toy stores tend to sell a lot of lingerie. Unfortunately, most of it is outlandish. If you’re looking for elegant, classy lingerie to wear for a lover, go to Victoria’s Secret. Go clothing shopping at a porn store if you’re looking for something naughtier or you want a role-playing costume like a naughty nurse or school girl.

 

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Stages Of A Romantic Relationship

1. Anonymity

You don’t know your future partner exists.

 

2. Strangers

You meet your future partner, but you don’t know what their name is or who they are.

 

3. Acquaintance

You break the barrier of anonymity. You talk, and then they’re no longer a stranger. They now have a connection to your life even if it’s a part as small as “friend of a friend.”

 

4. Interest

Eventually, you take an interest in one another. In this stage, you act like cats sniffing a treat and deciding whether or not it smells good enough to eat.

 

5. The Hunt

After passing the smell test, you make a conscious decision to pursue the other person. This is the chase. It’s exhilarating, expensive, sometimes unsuccessful, sometimes discouraging, and you have to exert a lot of energy pretending to be cooler and more collected than you really are to compete against other people who have more experience pretending to be cooler and more collected than you.

 

6. The Salad Days

Following the catch at the end of the hunt, you gorge yourself on each other for as long as your stamina holds out. During the salad days, children hold hands on the playground, teens make out in public, and adults try to have sex in every room of their house.

 

7. The Trial Commitment

People tend to assume that once they’ve reached the salad days they’ve found true love. Contrary to what Disney or the pop music industry would have you believe, this is not the time to propose for marriage. Though at some point in the salad days you’re going to have to consider where your relationship is going. If the salad days don’t end as just a successful fling then the next step is a trial commitment.

You may have already considered yourself a couple, but this move ups the ante. You may transition from “going out” to “going steady” or from “dating” to “being engaged.” You’ll spend this phase looking at your partner more seriously, and you’ll probably pretend to act like what you think a serious adult who is in a committed relationship acts like.

 

8. The Breeze Days

If things go well and your lifestyle and personality are compatible with your partner’s then you will find yourself working together like a finely tuned machine. You’ll act like twins who are so in tune with each other that you can complete complex tasks together with minimal verbal communication. Like twins, you’ll also develop a secret language of your own based on shared references and inside jokes. Life will operate so smoothly that time can fly by without you noticing it.

 

9. Deep Appreciation and Familiarity

One day you’ll roll over and see your partner lying next to you in bed and you’ll realize they know you better than anyone else, and you know them as well as yourself. You’ll have come to depend on this person like your right hand, and losing them would leave you more lost and helpless than losing your job. If there is a thing called love then this stage is it, but it can’t last forever. And the fact that you may have had it once with someone doesn’t mean you always have to have it with them or that either of you owes the other anything for having had it.

 

10. The “Washing Machine You Take For Granted” Days

It’s a wonderful thing if you can work with another person like a well-oiled machine, but when a machine works perfectly for long enough we tend to take it for granted. Even though you work well with the other person your heart’s somehow not in it anymore. You’re walking through your relationship and life on autopilot.

 

11. Full-on Boredom

One day you roll over and see your partner lying next to you in bed and you realize you’re tired of looking at them just like you’re tired of having to step around that damned washing machine you’re always bumping into on the way out the door. You’ll be surprised to find yourself actually bored of sex. You’ll fake enthusiasm during sex. You might even fake orgasms. You’ll yearn for the hunt and wonder where the magic in your relationship went. You’ll blame the other person when in reality the problem is that that’s what happens when two people share a pair of golden handcuffs for long enough.

 

12. The Pretend Days

You’re fully aware that you’re bored of the other person. You always think about someone else when you masturbate, but out of respect and obligation to your partner, you don’t let them know how far your heart has drifted away from them.  So even if you don’t lie to yourself about your feelings you lie to the other person to keep the boat from rocking.

 

13. The Onset of Resentment

You can only pretend to be happy for so long before it gets old and the cracks in the walls start showing. You’ll start dropping your mask more often and compromising less.

 

14. Outright Resentment

If you don’t talk openly to your partner, reassess your relationship, get some space, pursue separate interests or break up (if need be) then your resentment for one another will cross the line into open hostility. You may not act on this hostility yet, but you’ll feel it and be fully conscious of it. You’ll carry it with you all day and won’t be able to stand to look at your partner. Everything they say will sound like fingernails on a chalkboard, and everything they do will be wrong. This phase has ended in murder and/or suicide for millions of people.

 

15. Bursting out of the Bottle

The hate-charade can’t last forever. Eventually, the crack in the dam will burst and everything will come out. If this process is managed productively it can be a euphoric release that takes the weight of the world off your shoulders. If this process is managed unproductively it can lead to broken hearts, burned bridged and closed doors.

 

16. (A) Reconciliation or (B) Break Up

At this point, your old relationship is over. You can never go back to the way things were. Your only choice is to start a new relationship with your partner or end the relationship. Below is a list of the steps of the stages your life will go in if you reconcile. After that is another list that starts back over at #17 and traces the stages your life will take if you break up.

 

The Path of Reconciliation Leads to:

17A. The Kicked Puppy Days

You may have reconciled your differences with your partner, but you’ve both just come out of a traumatic experience. One sweaty night and a few heart felt words aren’t going to fill those wounds. There will be a short time where you’ll both still feel hurt and ashamed of your past behavior.

 

18A. The Trial Recommitment

Once the dust has settled and emotions have calmed you’ll find yourself looking at your partner soberly. Both of your punishments may be over, but you’re both still on notice.

 

19A. The Recovery Days

If you’re both truly sorry for hurting each other and earnestly want to be together you’ll try to make it up to the other person. This phase of your relationship will find you going out of your way again to do nice things for each other and say nice things to each other. These will be days full of pampering and feel like stages 6 (The Salad Days) and 9 (Deep Appreciation and Familiarity) combined.

 

20A. Return to the Breezy Days

You can’t keep up that intensity forever. Life goes on. The best place you can go from here is back to the Breezy Days. Where you go from there is up to you.

 

Breaking up Leads to:

17B. The Free Fall

If you break up with your partner at any stage of your relationship you’ll end up in a free fall. The intensity of the free fall experience for you will be relative to how long you’ve been with your partner, how strong of an emotional attachment you had with them and how strong your dependency on them was.

You will feel lost in space. You’ll feel disconnected from your environment. You’ll feel like you just stepped into a new universe, and you may or may not want to be there.

 

18B. The Landing

One day all the emotions left up in the air after your break up will come back down to earth. It’s like coming to terms with the fact that your dead relative really isn’t just sleeping in a box. They’re never coming back. Your life will go on, and you will be alone. Again, this can be a good thing or a bad thing.

 

19B. The New Underwear/Phantom Limb

So you move on with your life, but you’ll be so used to sharing a life with your partner that you’ll have some trouble readjusting to life without them. Sometimes it can feel like you’re missing a limb. Sometimes it’ll feel like you’re getting to stretch your limbs after years of being tied down in a contorted position.

 

20B. The Great Wide Open

When you finally get used to living on your own again and doing things your way then the world is your oyster. Life is there for the taking. Your plans may include hunting another partner or it may not, but either way, you have a new chance to get what you want.

 

21B. Normalcy

The things you’re doing with your freedom will lose their novelty, and if you don’t keep your life interesting, then the repetitiveness of your daily life will lull you into a dream state where you just go about your business on autopilot and not really notice time passing.

 

22B. Boredom

If you do the same thing over and over long enough eventually you’ll get bored with it. Technically you’ll have everything you need to survive. You may even have a giant television and a well-worn stack of awesome video games collecting dust in the corner of your living room, but you’ll feel an inexplicable sense of boredom and lack of satisfaction in life.

 

23. Desperation

After you feel bored long enough the boredom will turn to despair. You’ll put pictures of island beaches on your desktop background and/or screensavers and fantasize regularly about escaping the grinding, suffocating darkness of your normal yet “privileged” life. You’ll masturbate more, and you’ll have dirty thoughts about almost anything with two legs that walks past you.

 

24. Forever Alone

The longer you’re alone the older you get. The older you get the farther you’re removed from the dating pool. Eventually, there comes a point where you just have to face the fact that you’ll be forever alone.

 

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The 13 Rules Of Successful Relationships

1: Be kind to one another

As a general rule, your partners will tend to treat you as well as you treat them. After all, the better you treat them the more reason they’ll have to admire you and care about you. The less often you reciprocate kindness the less lovable you’ll be and the less motivation your partner will have to be kind to you. If your relationship is having trouble the first step you should always take is to be extra kind to your partner every day. If you think belittling, harassing, snapping, or yelling at your partner will ever accomplish anything other than destroying your relationship, then you’re ignorant and should be alone.

If you’re never kind to your partner and they always go out of their way to be kind to you then over time they’ll empty out all of their passion, and when they run out they’ll turn as cold and passionless as you. Then the coldness will turn to bitterness and the person who was once your lover will become your enemy. At that point, you might be able to turn your relationship around by being nice to each other again, but you’ll probably break up and resent each other.

This is very simple. If you’re not going to be kind to one another then there’s no point being together.

 

2: Communicate intimately and regularly

Human beings grow and change as they learn more, have new experiences, change jobs, move and meet new people. As we age we change, and when we change our expectations and goals change. Two people may be perfect for one another one year and then hold each other back the next year not because either of them did anything wrong but because they grew into themselves and outgrew their current relationship. This is the nature of relationships, and the only way to manage this risk by communicating intimately and regularly.

You can’t have a healthy, functional relationship with a stranger. You can’t resolve interpersonal problems between yourself and a stranger. In order to nurture and monitor your relationship, you and your partner need to tell each other everything that’s going on in your head all the time (within reason). The point is the only way to see eye to eye is to see mind to mind.

If you can’t talk to your partner, or your partner won’t open up to you, then one of you needs to walk away because a silent relationship is like driving with your headlights off; you’re going to run into problems.You should want to open up to your lover anyway. If you don’t have the motivation to open up to your partner or they don’t have the motivation to let you in then you’re not really in love, and you should strongly consider separating because neither of you are going to get the emotional nourishment you need from your relationship.

If you’re missing something in your relationship the only way you’re ever going to get it is by telling the other person about it. You need to encourage your partner to tell you if they’re missing anything so you’ll know what you need to do to improve your relationship and give the person you love a chance at happiness.

 

 

3: Don’t accept being treated poorly; stand up for yourself, and don’t be afraid to leave.

The promises you made to your partner and the contracts you’ve signed aren’t more important than your happiness. Staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy is throwing your life away for nothing. You’re not upholding a virtuous moral ideal by staying in an unfulfilling relationship. All you’re doing is hurting yourself.

Nobody deserves to be made unhappy. You can’t screw up in any way that would justify being treated poorly. If your partner can’t treat you with the dignity, respect, and empathy you deserve then they don’t deserve you. Stand up for yourself. Communicate your expectations, and if they’re not met then the mature, wise thing to do is leave. That’s not being unfaithful. That’s not giving up. That’s self-preservation. That’s making the most out of life.

 

4: Do things you enjoy together regularly (hobbies not events), and get away from each other regularly.

In order to be happy you need to do things you enjoy. If you can do things that make you happiest with the person who makes you happiest, then you’re winning at life. You’re also building great memories of one another. So at the end of your life, you’ll look back and see the best times of your life were with that person instead of the best times of your life being when they weren’t there.

Going to movies with another person doesn’t count. If you’re just going to be sitting somewhere staring ahead you could have anyone next to you. It’s not enough for you to go somewhere with your partner. You need to do meaningful, enjoyable things that involve you working together somehow.

As important as it is to do meaningful activities together it’s equally important to get away from each other on a regular basis. No matter how wonderful another person is, if you spend 24 hours per day with them every day you’re going to get bored of each other, and you’re going to get on each other’s nerves. So if you want to stay together for the long haul you need to get away from each other on a regular basis.

 

5: Maintain an active, dynamic sex life

Humans are sexual creatures. We need to have sex, and if we don’t we suffer physically and psychologically. Every time you and your partner’s sex life suffers your relationship will suffer. So both of you need to be proactive about initiating sex and spicing up your sex life.

There’s no one right way to structure your sex life. It depends on the individuals involved. So you need to regularly communicate with your partner about your sex life. Let them know your needs, expectations, fantasies, and disappointments. Help them help you and visa versa.

Even though everyone is different I would still give everyone one piece of advice: oral sex is the magic bullet. It’s hard to be unhappy when you’re getting great oral sex all the time. If your relationship is suffering, give each other more oral sex. You’ll see immediate improvements. And everybody wants oral sex anyway. So you should be giving each other great oral sex already because you care about each other and want to fulfill each other’s wants.

 

 

6: Proactively try to grow and articulate yourself

Your relationship is only as strong as its weakest member. If you don’t proactively teach yourself new knowledge and seek out edifying experiences your mind will atrophy. You’ll forget what you already know. You’ll get stuck in your ways, and regress into a boring old idiot. In that state, you won’t be able to fulfill your own potential much less help your partner through their personal saga of life. If your life only has a vague direction, you’ll bumble through life semi-lucidly never really getting anywhere, and you’ll keep your partner in life from getting anywhere as well.

Learn. Think. Grow.

 

7: Learn about the differences between men and women.

If you’re going to be proactively studying important subjects anyway, you may as well start with learning the differences between how men and women think. After all, if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a member of the opposite sex it’s important that you understand them. Even if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a member of your own sex, half the world’s population is still made up of the opposite sex. So it would serve you well to understand them.

There have been dozens, possibly hundreds of books written on the psychology of the sexes. There are even university courses on the subject. Read those textbooks before you buy self-help books written by self-proclaimed gurus with dubious credentials… such as myself.

 

8: Don’t date stupid or crazy people

Crazy, stupid people do crazy stupid things. If you let a cloud of bats live in your bedroom then your life is going to be hell. Learn how to spot crazy and stupid and stay far, far away from them.

 

 

9: Your happiness is your own responsibility.

This last rule is a combination of rule #3 and rule #9. Your partner should want you to be happy. After all, if they don’t, then why are they there? Yet at the same time, your happiness is ultimately your responsibility. If you can’t be happy without someone else constantly checking up on you and tending to your every, need then you’re behaving like a parasite, and you’re going to consume your partner. Once you’ve nibbled away your partner’s soul your relationship is going to crumble and your own chances of happiness will crumble right along with it.

Do what you need to do to keep yourself happy. Give what you expect to get back and more. Don’t rely on someone else to keep you happy. If you can’t keep yourself happy then they won’t be able to either. Then nobody will get to be happy and it would have been better for both of you if you’d never met.

 

10: A lover who doesn’t let you be yourself doesn’t love you for who you are.

If you lover constantly harasses you for going out with your friends or doing the things you want to do until you break down and behave the way they want you to behave then they must dislike who you are and what you want out of life. You’re never going to share and celebrate your life with one another. You’re just going to fight until you either leave or become their willing slave. No matter how many positive traits your partner may have, if they don’t respect you for who you are and give you space to do the things you enjoy then you don’t have a healthy relationship. You’re just being taken advantage of by someone who cares more about themself than you.

 

11: Don’t confuse co-dependency with love.

If you base your perception of love on Disney movies and pop music then what you call love is actually co-dependency. I’m not saying you’re codependent if your partner still takes your breath away even after ten years. I’m saying you’re codependent if you can’t breathe without them being right next to you worshiping you every moment of every day. If you can’t live without your partner’s love and affection you’re going to smother and cripple them, and when they’re too worn down and stressed out to live up to your unrealistic expectations you’re going to hate them, yourself and life itself because your life will be meaningless without a host to feed on.

Don’t confuse co-dependency with love.  Couples should be able to stand alone as individuals. Two individuals who are complete alone, will make a greater whole when they’re together than two people who need someone else to use as a crutch. So base your philosophy on relationships on reason, not oversimplified commercial children’s stories.

 

 

12: Learn how to argue for truth as opposed to winning.

Inevitably you’re going to have a disagreement with your partner, and often times little disagreements can escalate into big ones, especially when couples are already stressed out. Disagreements aren’t inherently a bad thing. They’re an opportunity to bridge a gap that’s come between you and your lover, but immature people don’t see it that way. Immature people see a disagreement a challenge to be won, but that means there has to be a loser. That means in order for you to win your lover has to lose. When you beat or shout your lover into submission you might win the battle, but you lose the war. It doesn’t matter who “wins” an argument. All that matters is your relationship.

When you argue, listen to your partner’s entire argument before uttering a word. When you do speak, ask for clarifications and elaborations. Find out everything on their mind and then think about that. Bend over backward to look at the situation from their point of view, and assume (for the sake of argument) that you’re wrong. Even if you’re right you’re probably wrong about something. In order to win the war, you need to find out what that is and correct it. If you’d proactively analyzed yourself for flaws beforehand you wouldn’t have to wait for them to drive your partner to the breaking point where they feel the need to confront you about your flaws.

 

13: Don’t hold back.

There are two parts to this piece of advice. First, don’t be afraid to love. Holding back and waiting to let yourself love someone or to tell them you love them until after you have ten tons of proof to justify your emotions doesn’t defend the integrity of love. It merely postpones your connection with the most important person in your life. Granted, there’s a limit. You don’t want to tell someone you love them on the first date; that’s just co-dependency. Having said that, there’s also a line where withholding your emotions is just being cold, and the consequences of holding back a little too long are worse than jumping the gun a little bit.

The other way you don’t want to hold back is by not letting the other person in. It’s understandable that you don’t want to be hurt. It’s understandable that you don’t want to share your deepest secrets with a complete stranger. However, if you’re in a committed relationship with someone and you keep holding them at arm’s length and never letting them swim through your soul then you’re just torturing the most important person in your life, and you’ll never be able to build a deeper relationship if they can’t dive into you.

 

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10 Character Traits To Look For In A Long-Term Romantic Partner

1: They’re proactively engaged in a lifelong quest for knowledge and growth.

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who actively, consciously and consistently learn new things, explore their interests and expand their horizons… and those who sit there and stagnate and become dull and flawed. If you spend your life with the first kind of person, they’ll lift you up as they lift themselves up. The latter type will drag you down like a boat anchor. Not only will they keep you from achieving your external goals, but after you spend enough years with another person you’ll adopt their personality. If that person is a dullard, you’ll become one too. Then that will be the reality you’ll experience for the rest of your life.

Facing life alone will make you a more vibrant person than living in cold comfort with a child stuck in an adult’s body. The more time you spend becoming a strong individual, the more you’ll attract similar mates. Once you find the right one, you can spend the rest of your lives moving forward together.

 

 

2: They’re not self-centered, demanding, or judgmental

When two people share their time, resources and energy equally, they can accomplish more together than they could have alone. That’s called a symbiotic relationship. When one person takes everything the other has and barely gives anything back, that’s called a parasitic relationship, and it’s not sustainable. When one person constantly empties their bucket and never gets it replenished, they eventually run dry. Then they start acting frustrated and resentful. When the spoiled, codependent parasite doesn’t get what they want, they start throwing tantrums. It’s a vicious cycle that inevitably ends in a dramatic breakup that leaves the host broke and depressed while the parasite just moves on to the next host without learning any life lessons.

Nobody is all-good or all-bad. There are millions of self-centered, demanding, judgmental parasites out there who are smart, interesting, funny, strong, successful, attractive and moderately generous. They have enough going for them to make you consider looking past their selfishness. Maybe they do deserve a chance, but if you give it to them, proceed with caution. Self-centered people can be generous and charming when they want something from you, but their prime prerogative is themselves. Sooner or later you’re going to take a back seat to their ego, and your needs will be treated as less important than their wants. Don’t be surprised when you wake up one day and realize that your life is just an accessory to theirs.

 

3: They’re able to take criticism and accept responsibility for their actions.

You can’t become a better person if you never change. Specifically, you need to figure out what your bad habits and character flaws are, and fix them. You shouldn’t even wait for someone else to point out your flaws. You should be proactively searching yourself for them and finding ways to fix them before they bother anyone else enough to call you out. If you do that, not only will you be happier and more successful in life, but you’ll be an ideal mate. Someone would be very lucky to spend the rest of their life with you.

You don’t need luck to find the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Pay attention to your dates. If they automatically get defensive and angry every time anyone points out their flaws, then be very cautious of that person. They’re probably never going to change. They’re going to build an impenetrable wall of circular, logic-proof, self-fulfilling excuses around their ego that will protect them from ever having to accept responsibility for their actions. They’ll never grow because they already believe they’re perfect. As they stagnate in their own ignorant arrogance, they’re going to get more toxic and more stuck in their ways.

If they’re unwilling to accept responsibility for the problems they create, they’re going to have to find someone else to blame, and it will inevitably be you. You have precious little time on this Earth to find yourself, identify your dreams and work towards achieving them. If you have to spend half your life defending yourself from irrational accusations and cleaning up someone else’s messes, you’re probably not going achieve your dreams. Even if you do make it, you’ll probably still be miserable. You’ll also find that as you grow and change while your partner stays the same, your goals will gradually become different. Eventually, you’ll probably find that you’re both moving in different directions. When that happens your toxic partner will probably harass you to give up your stupid dreams. They’ll continue to make you feel bad for being yourself and hold you back from fulfilling your potential.

 

 

4: They think rationally.

Sanity is defined: “having or showing reason, sound judgment, or good sense.”

mental illness exists when “ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function.”

Unreasonable people with bad judgment and no common sense are always stressed out over nothing, and they turn simple tasks into major disasters. Irrational people are effectively insane. I’m not saying they’re bad people. None of us are perfect, and we all deserve to be loved. I’m just saying, spending the rest of your life with someone who has a condition that causes them to be a danger to themselves and others and needs to be managed constantly, is a huge and costly responsibility.

Hunky meat head studs and ditzy blonde bimbos make great one night stands (if you use a condom), but they make bad life-partners because they’re better at ignoring and creating problems than solving them. Improving your quality of life depends on solving the problems that make your life suck. So if you want to be happy and secure in your old age (when you and your partner’s looks have faded) then marry Sherlock Holmes.

 

5: They have the same or compatible domestic goals/standards.

You’re going to spend most of your life either at work or at home. When you look back at life on your deathbed, about half of what you see will be your house. It’s half of your reality. It’s half of your universe. Spending that much time in the same environment will shape who you are and how you feel. So it’s vitally important that your home fits you. The decorations, cost, noise-level, pace, cleaning schedule, etc. should fit your personality. If your environment fits you like a glove, you’re going to find it pretty easy to be happy. If your environment doesn’t fit you at all, you’re going to find it pretty hard to be happy.

When you move in with another person, you have to share your environment. So it’s equally important that both of you fit your environment. If your partner is stifled by your environment, then they’ll get frustrated and stressed. Then you’ll have to live with a frustrated, stressed person, and that will frustrate and stress you out. The cycle can escalate quickly and lead to new problems.

Obviously, people who share a house will have to make compromises, and couples who communicate rationally will be able to find common ground peacefully. But the more you have to compromise, the less often both people get what they want. If nobody ever really gets what they want, you have to wonder why you’re together when you could just as easily be with someone else who wants to live the same way you do.

 

6: They have the same or compatible interests and passions.

If you have no personality, interests, hobbies, ambition or style then you’ll be happiest living with another blank person. Ideally, you have found some topic or hobby that you’re so passionate about that you clear your schedule to make time for it. That will give your life meaning and direction, which will make you a healthy life-partner. If you’re going to share a house with another person for the rest of your life, you should pick someone else who has a passion of their own. It’ll keep them growing and glowing, which will make them a positive force in your life.

If your partner discourages you from doing the thing that defines you and gives you joy then they either don’t understand or care about you. You’re not going to be happy if you spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t understand and care about you. If your partner loved you, they would encourage your hobby. If your passion is bowling, then you should find someone who will buy you bowling-related gifts on your birthday and won’t mind coming to watch you bowl. You might also strongly consider finding someone who enjoys bowling as much as you do. Then neither of you will have to take time out of your schedule to support the other’s passion. Plus, sharing your passion is a profound connection for you to bond over.

 

7: They have the same or compatible philosophies on life.

No two people are going to see eye to eye on everything. So finding the perfect person for you isn’t a matter of finding someone who always agrees with you. You can be perfectly happy with someone who doesn’t even believe in the same religion as you. The thing about that is, your belief system guides your actions. People with the same belief system as you are likely to have compatible domestic and long-term goals as you. Plus, sharing similar beliefs is a huge bond you share. You don’t have to share that bond, but it’s nice if you can get it… and with over 7 billion people in the world, you can find it if you look hard enough.

 

 

8: They’re financially responsible.

When most people move in with a long-term partner, they do it for love, not because it’s a cold, calculated business decision. Little did you know, moving in with someone is the biggest financial decision you’ll ever make in your life. Live with someone long enough, and all of your finances will become tied together.

In a world that revolves around finance, you can’t live a decent quality of life without money. Housing, food, clothes, and free time all cost money. Nothing is more expensive than retirement, and that takes a lifetime of financial responsibility to save up for. You might find temporary happiness with a poor, charming, irresponsible job-hopper, but they’re not going to help you build a secure life for you and your children. They’re going to bleed you into perpetual poverty. Since one of the biggest causes of divorce is financial problems, your relationship probably isn’t going to last forever anyway. It’ll just hold you back for a while.

 

9: They treat you with kindness.

There’s no point being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you with kindness. That’s half the point of being with someone: they treat you well, and your life is better with them than without them. Even if you’re patient enough to put up with an unkind lover (which is an oxymoron), they’re going to empty your bucket sooner rather than later, and the longer you stay with them, the more miserable you’re going to be. There’s no point being with someone who isn’t kind. Even if they’re a good provider, they’re just helping you survive to be miserable another day. You should spend the rest of your life with someone who regularly goes out of their way to say and do little things to make you smile and feel good about yourself. That’s a person worth waking up next to every day for the rest of your life.

 

10: They build you up.

When assessing potential long-term romantic partners, the question you have to ask yourself is, “Do they build me up, or tear me down?” The more they build you up, the more seriously you should consider spending more time with them. The more they tear you down, the quicker you should untether your life from theirs.

 

 

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15 Tips On Internet Dating

1: The goal is not to attract as many people as possible. It’s to attract the most compatible person possible.

This piece of advice is implied in most of the steps on this list, but it’s so important that I posted it as its own entry to emphasize the point. Even if your goal is just to have casual sex with strangers, you’re still looking for a specific kind of person. The way you find the most compatible person for you is to weed out everyone who is incompatible, which is at least 80% of the people out there.

Good dating sites help you weed out the competition by making you answer questions so it can calculate your compatibility with other users based on their answers. The more honestly you answer those questions the better the site can point you in the right direction.

The more honest your pictures are and the more completely and accurately your written profile reflects who you are the more your profile will attract compatible matches and repel incompatible ones. So don’t try to put your most polished foot forward. Put your real foot forward and let the chips fall where they may.

 

 

2: Post a picture of yourself.

It’s perfectly acceptable to make a generic profile with no picture if you just want to lurk on dating sites and check out the smorgasbord anonymously. But if you’re actually looking for a date, put a picture of yourself on your profile. You might be scared to do that because you have insecurities about your attractiveness. But if a potential date doesn’t find your picture attractive then they’re not going to find you attractive in real life, and it’s probably not going to work out between you. Putting up a picture saves everyone’s time. At any rate, potential dates deserve to know what you look like, and not posting a picture of yourself tells them that you have something to hide, which will discourage them from contacting you.

If you are too insecure to post a picture of yourself then you’re probably too insecure to have a truly successful relationship. I say this in the nicest possible way: you should see a therapist before jumping into the dating pool. You have some healing you need to do. You deserve it, and you owe it to your future partner.

 

3: Post a clear picture of yourself that accurately captures your appearance.

Again, there’s no point hiding what you look like. People who aren’t going to like you aren’t going to like you. That’s the cold, hard reality of the dating scene. Accept it, and act accordingly. You need someone in your life who will accept you for who you are anyway, and you future partner needs someone who is honest with them.

If you’re so attractive that you feel the need to post slightly uglier pictures of yourself to discourage horn dogs from messaging you, understand that you’re also discouraging good people from messaging you as well. You might say to yourself, “But I don’t want to date someone who would only date me if I’m beautiful.” To that I would say, stop being a hypocrite. There are certain people you would never consider dating based solely on their appearance. We all pretend like there isn’t a petty bone in our body, but the cold, hard reality of dating is that water rises to its own level. We all know where we fit in the attractiveness spectrum, and statistically speaking we’re probably going to end up messaging and eventually settling down with someone in our range. There are good people with specific standards. Don’t help them overlook you.

 

4: Guys, don’t post shirtless mirror pics.

Shirtless mirror pics scream, “I’m vain,” and vain people are selfish. Selfish people aren’t good partners. Posting shirtless mirror pics repels girls who are looking for more than just sex.

 

Picture of a shirtless man wearing large gold chains and a backwards baseball cap taking a selfie in his bathroom

 

5: If you can write a description under the pictures you post then do it.

It gives people a better idea of who you are and whether you’re compatible with them. Use the tools you’re given.

 

6: Don’t fill out your profile with generic information. Express yourself.

It’s perfectly okay to make a generic profile if you’re just lurking, but if you’re looking for a real relationship you should fill out your profile as completely and honestly as possible.

If you’re uncomfortable sharing personal information then you should probably see a therapist before jumping into the dating pool with both feet. Your insecurities are a symptom of a larger problem that will surface in all your relationships. For you sake as well as your future partners, get help.

If the only thing you profile says is that family and friends are important to you and that you like getting out of the house, watching movies and hanging out with friends then all you’ve really said is that you have a pulse. Everyone feels that way; it goes without saying. So if that’s all you say then you’re really saying you have no personality. That’s what you’re telling potential suitors anyway. You may be exactly what someone else is looking for, but if you don’t show them that you’re that person they’re going to overlook you.

You may not want to share too much about yourself out of fear that it will scare people away. If what you say about yourself scares someone away… that’s great! That’s what it’s supposed to do. It’s supposed to scare away the +80% of people who are incompatible with you.

If there really isn’t any more to your personality than the bare basics then you need to go traveling and find yourself. Being basic is no way to go through life, because being a dull person yields a dull life. The more you explore new passions and define yourself the happier and more fulfilling your life will become, and as you define yourself you define who is compatible with you.

There’s no one, right way to fill out your profile, but the following outline provides a useful starting point:

Explain what most defines you. What type of personality do you have? What do you like to do? What’s important to you? What do you believe? What do you hope to accomplish in life.

Explain what you’re doing with your life these days.

Explain what kind of a person you’re looking for.

Explain what kind of person you’re not looking for.

 

7: Use proper grammar.

Using poor grammar and typing in text talk like this, “Hi wuz up!? I think ur hot. LOL. Write bck plz.!,” screams, “I’m dumb.” You might feel that’s harsh and judgmental, and maybe it is, but for right or wrong, that’s the message it sends.

If you’re only looking for anti-intellectuals then feel free to type like you’re a 13-year-old on a cell phone. But if you really do possess the intellect of a teenager I would strongly urge you to consider taking a break from dating and focusing on educating yourself. Knowledge is important. It’s like having a superpower. I guarantee that it will make you a better person and a better partner.

 

"The fact that you failed to spell check your online dating profile gives me serious doubts about your attention to detail in bed."

 

8: Don’t use “wink” or “like” buttons to express an interest in someone.

It’s the equivalent of having your friend tell someone you like them. It conveys that you’re not confident enough to approach them directly.

 

9: Unless you just want sex, don’t message people with catcalls.

Don’t send people messages that just say, “You’re hot.” “Hi, cutie.” “Message me.” “How you doing?” etc.

These types of messages convey one of three things:

1. You’re just looking for sex.

2. You’re too insecure to send a real message.

3. You’re too simpleminded to communicate effectively.

 

10: Make your first message personal, but keep it simple.

The first time you message a person, write a brief statement about who you are and what piqued your interest in them. Then offer to meet them for an informal date. Then click “send.”

If you drone on and on about yourself you’re going to come off as self-absorbed. If you drone on and one about the other person you’re going to come across as clingy.

You don’t need to tell people your life story before meeting them. You don’t need to know their life story, and you don’t need to woo them. You’ll know within a few minutes of meeting each other whether there’s a connection between you. By just skipping to the chase and offering to meet you minimize your chance of making a fool of yourself, and you save everyone a lot of time and energy.

You want to make your message short and sweet, but you don’t want it to be so simple that it sounds like a cut and pasted template. People are more likely to respond to you if you show that you’re genuinely interested in something about them and that you have something in common.

 

11: Don’t message people if you’re not going to respond to their reply.

I’ve noticed a strange trend on internet dating sites, and I’ve talked to other people who have experienced it too. People will send you a message introducing their self. But when you write back and offer to meet up, they never write back. It’s frustrating and disrespectful. I don’t know why people do this, but stop it.

 

12: Have an informal first date.

Going on a big, fancy expensive first date may seem like putting your best foot forward. If you’re just looking for sex then it’s a good way to impress someone in the short term, but if your goal for a first date is to measure compatibility then you’re hurting yourself because all the glamour and glitz serves as a mask that hides your true selves.

The fewer pretenses you put up on your first date the more likely you are to connect on a real, personal level, and the more likely you are to recognize incompatibility. You might feel like a failure if you leave an informal date knowing that there will never be a second date, but the date wasn’t a failure. It succeeded at weeding out one more incompatible person.

 

13: Be attractive.

Even though I advise against getting too dressed up, I would also advise against being too informal. The simple truth is that people are attracted to attractive people. It’s in our DNA. You might have the best personality in the world, but if you show up on a first date badly in need of a haircut and wearing sweatpants you’re just slitting your own throat.

There’s more to attractiveness than just how beautiful your face is. It’s the total package from your haircut to the length of your fingernails to how you smell to how well you dress. If you look like you’re successful and well-groomed then you will exude attractiveness. If you present yourself like a slob you’ll be taken for a slob and will likely find yourself sitting alone at the end of a failed date. The problem isn’t that the other person was too judgmental. The problem is that you sold yourself short.

 

 

14: Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

Again, the success of a first date is not determined by whether or not there’s a second date. Success is determined by whether or not you connect with someone you’re compatible with, and securing a second date with someone you’re not compatible with counts as a failure.

If you are compatible, the other person won’t be able to connect with you if you behave vaguely and safely without revealing your true personality. If you’re not compatible, the other person needs to know that, and they won’t if you don’t show them.

 

15: If you’re just coming out of a traumatic breakup you should consider putting off dating for a while.

There are a lot of people on dating sites who will say flat out not to message them if you’re just getting over an ex and are an emotional wreck at the moment. That request seems harsh and arrogant, but there’s some validity to it. It’s hard (maybe even impossible) to build a healthy relationship with someone who is still getting over an ex.

After a big breakup you may feel alone and think that the best way to heal is to find love again as soon as possible, but there’s a good chance that the best thing you can do to heal, recoup and redefine yourself as an individual (as opposed to a member of your last relationship) is to spend some time alone.

If you’re feeling angry, hurt, lost and/or suicidal, find a therapist to help you work through your feelings. If nothing else, read this book: Getting Past your Breakup.

 

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10 Tips On Flirting

1: Love yourself.

 

"Loving yourself isn't vanity. It's is sanity." Andre Gide

 

If you love yourself, you probably won’t be afraid to talk to the opposite sex. You won’t have reason to doubt yourself, and you won’t be offended by rejection. You probably won’t be rejected though, because you’ll be an infectiously enjoyable person. When you finally settle down in a relationship, you’ll probably make a great partner, because you’ll have a lot of patience and be easy to get along with. And you won’t even have to muster up inner strength to behave this way because it’ll just be how you are.

If you look down on yourself and beat yourself up all the time, you’ve already set yourself up to fail at flirting and being in a relationship. You’re going to give yourself a panic attack just stressing out over talking to the opposite sex in the first place. Your conversations are going to be forced and awkward for everyone involved. If you do ever get in a relationship, you’re not going to make your partner smile, and eventually, your unhappiness will make them feel like a failure. In the end, they’ll probably leave you for someone who lifts them up emotionally instead of dragging them down.

If this describes you, understand that no amount of inner strength is going to help you lift the rock crushing your morale. The problem is that you don’t understand your true worth. Someone convinced you to base your self-worth on shortsighted criteria, and you need to talk to a therapist about realigning your perception of reality. You deserve to be loved, particularly by yourself. If you’re willing to put a lot of work into getting laid or married, then put a lot of work into loving yourself. When you do that, you’ll naturally cultivate most of the character traits that members of the opposite sex find attractive.

 

2: Find your target audience, and market yourself to them

Life is short, and you’re not getting any younger. You don’t have time to waste hoping your one true love falls in your lap by chance. Speed up the process by figuring out what kind of a person you’re looking for. Then figure out what kind of places those people go. Then go there.

If you’re already pursuing your passion in life, if you’re already living somewhere you love doing things you love, then you’re already in the perfect place to find someone who shares your values and goals. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and there’s a good chance you actually will run into your soul mate. If you’re not pursuing your passions, then that’s the first reason you haven’t found someone you’re compatible with. You’re in the wrong place.

If you don’t have any passions at all then there’s nothing inside you to be compatible with. In that case, you’ll be most compatible with other people who don’t have any personality, and you might have the best chance of finding someone you click with at Wal~Mart.

 

Picture of an obese woman shopping at Wal-Mart, wearing a shirt that says, "Biscuits N' Porn"

 

3: Put your best foot forward.

Most people decide whether you’ll ever have a chance of sleeping with them within five seconds of meeting you… before you even say a word. We’re able to make that judgment so quickly because a picture is worth a thousand words, and the way you present yourself is equivalent to giving a silent dissertation about yourself.

This means, if you’re going to stress out over how to get someone to have sex or fall in love with you, then stress out overlooking sexy and successful. If you can look sexy and successful, then even if you do screw up your pickup line, it won’t matter because the other person will already be hooked. If you don’t put any effort into your appearance, you may as well stop reading, because the rest of this guide isn’t going to help you. Your target will have already made up their mind about you, and there will be little you can do to redeem yourself.

 

4: The first look

Every romantic encounter/relationship must follow this logical progression of events: Look, talk, touch, sex. Everything begins with a look. After all, how can you have sex with someone if you’ve never seen them? So the first thing you have to do in order to pick up a date is get them to look at you. If you already look good, they’ll already be interested in talking to you.

If you can get all the other guys or girls in the room looking at you, then each individual person will want you more, because competition for a resource drives up the perceived value of that resource. If you’re a rare resource that multiple people want, they’ll each pay a higher price to beat the competition. For example, a sexy, successful musician doesn’t need to flirt. He could actually be a horrible person, but if every girl in a crowd knows that every other girl in the crowd wants him, he can just sit back and let them pump up his value like a penny stock in a boiler room until the women are scratching each other’s faces to win the man all the other girls want.

 

Picture of a girl saying, "Whoa! Cute guy alert!"

 

You can also use this concept to pick up serious dates. Find what you’re passionate about in life, and then host an event related to your passion. If you love reading, start a book club. If you love music, host music classes or small concerts. Start a meetup group or find some other way to put yourself in a position where people you want to date will look up to you. That will attract the kind of people you’re looking for in the first place, and those people will associate you as an alpha member of the pack. Then they’ll be the ones using pickup lines on you.

 

5: The first talk

After making eye contact, the only way a romantic encounter can move forward is for the two people to talk. Both men and women overthink this way too much. In reality, talking to the opposite sex is simple and logical. I’ll walk you through it.

When entering a flirting scenario, your first goal is to exchange names. Until they know your name, you don’t exist, and they can’t have sex with someone who doesn’t exist. After you’ve exchanged names you become a real human being with a life and future. You also gain power over them. Dale Carnegie once said, “The sweetest word anyone can hear in any language is their own name.” Flattery will get you everywhere, and it’s flattering to simply hear your own name because it highlights your existence and makes you center of attention. When someone addresses you by your name, it means they know who you are, and that’s intimate. If you ever hope to sleep with a person, you need to establish a consistent track record of shared intimate experiences. You can begin establishing a history of intimacy with another person immediately by simply using their name in conversation a few times.

 

"Remember taht a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language." Dale Carnegie

 

Of course, they need to know more about you than your just your name to determine if you’re worth sleeping with. Talking to them gives you the opportunity to shape their impression of you. You don’t need to convince them that you’re the most impressive human being to ever walk the earth. You just need to convince them that you’re worth spending more time with, and you don’t have to blow their mind to accomplish that. All you have to do is make them smile, and that’s very easy to do. All you have to do is compliment them. But directly complimenting their physical body can come across as creepy. Instead, try complimenting their clothes or haircut, because when you compliment something they chose, you’re not only complimenting their external appearance, you’re also complimenting their decision-making skills. Plus, if you like something they like then that means you have something in common.

Excessively bragging about yourself usually backfires for several reasons. First, it makes you look like a selfish, arrogant prick. Even if you’re not trying to be arrogant, people only want to be a little impressed by you. The bigger and better your life is than theirs, the more intimidating you are and the less you have in common.

Nobody wants to hear about your life anyway. Most people would rather talk about themselves than listen to you jerk yourself off. If you have no idea what to talk to a stranger about, just ask them about themselves. If you can get them talking about themselves, they’ll probably have a great time talking to you even though they pretty much did all the work. That’s not to say you should grill them on their entire life story. Just find out what they’re interested in, and get them to talk about that. Actively listen, and try to throw in a witty comment, joke or compliment every once in a while to keep them smiling. If you can do that, they’ll probably want to talk to you again.

 

6: The first touch

Everyone has a personal space bubble around them that strangers aren’t allowed in. Eventually, you want the person you’re flirting with to let you past all their defenses so you can experience their body completely. How do you transition from being completely shut out to being granted total access? The answer is one degree of intimacy at a time.

Suppose you meet someone you’re attracted to, and the two of you end up hanging out on a regular basis for the next couple of weeks. If the only time you ever touch them is to shake hands, then their mind will subconsciously categorize you as a person who doesn’t enter their personal space. The more normal that becomes, the harder it’ll be to earn permission past their barriers. Sooner rather than later, you’ll be stuck in the friend zone forever.

Ideally, you would find some excuse to touch your date the first time you meet, and handshakes and hugs don’t count. The more times you make physical contact with another person, the more their mind associates you with physical contact, thus the more receptive they’ll be to having more physical contact with you. Obviously, you don’t want to go around groping people, but there are plenty of innocuous ways to touch someone: hugs, pats on the back, shoulder massages, playful shoves, accidentally bumping into them, handing something to them and making sure your hands accidentally touch, feeling their clothes, etc. You can even plan to do activities together that involve physical contact like playing basketball.

Touch is also important because it has powerful and meaningful emotional effects. Babies will die in their cribs if they’re not touched. People who receive massage therapy will sometimes cry or laugh hysterically because the physical touch of the therapist triggers a somato-emotional release. Human touch can have a powerful effect on the human psyche. It’s powerful almost to the point of being magical. This is valuable to know in life in general. If you want to heal someone or bring them closer to you, then touch them more often.

Everyone in the dating scene is looking for someone who will hold them in their arms and make them feel safe. The sooner you establish a pattern of safe physical contact, the sooner they’ll start looking at you like the person who is going to hold them for the rest of their life… or at least the night. The longer you go without touching them, the more their subconscious will associate you with touching.

 

 

7: Take a chance.

Women can separate the boys from the men just by standing around and seeing who has the courage to talk to her. Introducing one’s self is just the first test you have to pass to get laid or married. At the end of the first conversation, you’ll need to ask for the other person’s number and schedule a date. After you’ve been involved with someone romantically for a while, eventually you’ll want to risk confessing your love to them and maybe ask them to spend the rest of their life with you.

It can be scary to ask someone to take their relationship with you to the next level, but the only thing there really is to fear is fear itself. If you love yourself, you can survive and thrive on your own. If someone turns you down, you look at it as their loss… not that anyone has to be the bad guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and most of them aren’t right for you anyway. Finding love is like inventing the light bulb. You have to find 10,000 things that don’t work in order to find the one that does. So getting rejected is usually more of a win than a loss.

 

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take."

 

Asking for someone’s telephone number or hand in marriage might seem like putting your head on the chopping block, but that would only be true if the person you’re hitting on is an executioner. Most people don’t look forward to judging and hurting everyone who hits on them. We want people to hit on us, and we want them to succeed. Even when we do turn someone down, we usually don’t see them as pathetic losers who stuck their nose where it didn’t belong. We see them as that person who had the confidence to punch above their weight class.

You might strike out the first time you go up to bat, but the game isn’t over until everyone is married or dead. If someone turns you down, and you take it with dignity, make a joke out of it, and let them know they may still have a chance with you if they ever change their mind, there’s a good chance that the next time they’re deciding who to drunk dial, they might remember how confident you were in the face of defeat. Then they might decide they want someone strong like you to hold them tonight.

I’m not saying that only incomplete, immature people feel fear and shame. Fear is healthy, and the secret to overcoming fear isn’t to avoid it. The secret is to feel it and do the thing you’re scared of anyway. The more times you do that, the less fear will paralyze you. Also, it’s a sign of good mental health for you to feel pain when someone you care about rejects you. That means you’re human. But you simply can’t make a categorical imperative out of letting fear prevent you from taking risks.

If you risk nothing, you gain nothing. If you do nothing, you’ll never live. You won’t lose the game of life by striking out. You’ll lose by never showing up to the game. Ironically, you don’t actually risk anything by flirting. The only way flirting will hurt you is if you beat yourself up over it. If you don’t beat yourself up, then there are no risks. There are only potential gains, and you stand to gain everything you’ve ever wanted.

It can be confusing for men to figure out when a woman wants him to take their relationship to the next level. Women often talk around what they’re trying to say and drop hints leading to what they’re really trying to tell you, leaving men in the dark as to where they actually stand with her. You could try asking her straightforward, but she still might not give you a straight or honest answer. A good way a man can gauge a woman’s intentions is to ask himself, “How much attention is she paying to me, and how hard is she trying to impress me?” If she’s going out of her way for you, she’s telling you something. If she’s not, then she’s not that into you.

 

Man trying to ignore a woman as she pats him on the shoulder annoyingly while saying, "Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, talk to me."

 

Women also misunderstand how men communicate. Men don’t communicate with each other by talking around what they’re saying and dropping hints. They communicate by speaking directly and saying what they mean. If you want to tell a man something, it helps to speak his language. If your man isn’t getting the hint, don’t rack your brain trying to figure out a better way to drop hints. The problem isn’t that you’re bad at dropping hints. The problem is that you’re playing cryptic mind games instead of speaking directly to him in his native language.

If you see a sexy guy anywhere, you can just walk up to him and say, “Hey, you seem interesting. Feel like talking?” He’ll probably thank his lucky stars he found a girl he doesn’t have to play mind games with, and he would probably love to talk to you. However, it would creep a lot of men out if a woman approached him and said, “You’re hot. Let’s have sex.” Granted, there are a lot of men who would agree to have sex without even thinking about it, but they may view that woman as desperate, which means they can do better.

Women, after the first date, and for the rest of your life, you don’t need to play games with men to get them to like you. All you have to do is communicate openly with them. If/when you do talk around what you’re really trying to say, drop hints, and play mind games, your man probably won’t understand what you’re trying to tell him, and it will frustrate him. Also, understand that when your man communicates with you, he’s probably going to speak to you directly. The younger he is the more likely he is to not even know that men and women communicate differently. I’m not saying it’s every woman’s responsibility to think and act exactly like a man all the time. I’m just forewarning you what to expect from men.

 

8: Continue to look and be attractive, successful, ambitious and kind

First impressions are important, but every day is important, and the best always have style. If you only own one nice pair of clothes that you wear to parties, you’re going to slowly lose your partner’s interest. If you always dress to impress and wear nice underwear, you’ll continually rekindle your partner’s interest in you.

If you don’t have a stable job or any ambitions then you’re not a good catch. You’re a liability. You might be cute, funny, genuine and inspiring, but you can’t buy baby clothes with a great personality. I’m just saying, don’t expect someone to take care of you for the long haul if you can’t take care of them at all.

The more you can make a person smile the first time you meet them, the more they’ll want to see you a second time. The more you make a person smile the second time you see them, the more they’ll want to see you a third time. If you make them smile every day, they’ll look forward to seeing you every day, but when you stop making them smile they’ll stop wanting to be around you. You make people smile by looking attractive, having a refreshingly positive outlook on life, being funny, supportive, witty, useful and good at sex.

It’s also worth emphasizing that compliments aren’t just for first impressions. Everyone wants to have sex with someone who can make them feel beautiful and special for a night. Everyone wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who always makes them feel beautiful and special.

 

"Good news gorgeous! Flattery works!"

 

If you always present yourself as sexy, successful, confident, ambitious and pleasant to be around, then you won’t have to chase after love interests. All you’ll have to do is keep showing up and being a joy to be around, and love interests will chase after you. In fact, if you have to constantly chase after someone and fight and beg for them to pay attention to you, you’re probably wasting your time. If they were interested in you, they’d already be paying attention to you.

If you keep pestering someone long enough, you might be able to win them over. But before you go through all that trouble, ask yourself what it says about them that they don’t already recognize how wonderful you are? Sure, they might have some virtues that make them worth pursuing, but life is short, and there are millions of wonderful lovers out there who would go out of their way to be with you if they only knew you existed. It would probably be a better use of your time to look for those lovers instead of trying to convince someone who’s just not that into you that they’re wrong about what they want.

The more desperately you want someone, the more power you give them over you, and the less likely they are to ever date you. This is petty, but we don’t do it because we’re evil. We do it because our brains are so extensively designed to operate on autopilot that very we’re easy to manipulate. You see, everyone is looking for the most valuable mate, and if we can date out of our league, so much the better for us and our children. Also, when there’s a lack of supply of a resource, the perceived value of the resource increases. For these reasons, it makes you look like more valuable mate when someone knows they can’t have you.

On the other side of the coin, when you stalk someone, you send the message that they’re out of your league. Even if you really are a great match for them, they might not recognize it after you get done telling them what a small fish you are.

This is a big part of why women have a reputation for dating jerks instead of nerds with a heart of gold. This is also why some of the more sociopathic dating guides instruct men to insult women. Sadly, it often works, because it creates the perception that the man is out of the woman’s league. In my opinion, if you’re hurting and consciously manipulating your date then you’ve failed at being a good lover and a good person. So I wouldn’t suggest insulting your date. You don’t have to establish your dominance over them anyway. Just be their equal, and don’t go out of your way to put yourself beneath them.

 

9: Have fun.

You usually have to take someone on a few dates before they let you have sex with them, and you usually have to court them even longer before they’ll let you marry them. This raises the question, how do you keep someone interested in you throughout the courtship phase, let alone the rest of your life?

All you have to do to keep someone interested in you is keep them smiling. Unfortunately, men and women both make this way harder than it has to be. If you’re stressing over how to make someone smile, you’re overthinking it. You don’t have to do much. You almost don’t have to do anything. As long as you do the things that make you smile, then chances are you’re going to make the people around you smile. If you’re taking care of yourself, and you’re happy with your life, then you’ll be fun to be around. If you don’t fulfill your own wants and do the things you enjoy, then you’ll sulk around like the hollow vessel you are. So, if you want people to enjoy being around you, then just have fun yourself, and your good vibes will infect everyone around you.

If your schedule is already filled with personally rewarding activities, then you won’t need to rack your brain trying to figure out where to take a date. Just bring them along with you to do the things you were going to do anyway. They’ll have fun, and it’ll help them get to know you. You’ll demonstrate how interesting and proactive you are, and if they don’t enjoy your favorite activities, then you’ll know not to invest any more time pursuing a deeper relationship with them. That date didn’t fail. It succeeded in informing you to move on.

Remember that the person you’re flirting with is also an independent person who has their own interests. The quickest, easiest way to make people happy is to give them what they want. So if you want to take someone on a date that they’ll be sure to enjoy, just find out what their interests are, and then cater to those interests. If they love the symphony, then buy two tickets to the symphony. If they like hiking, then plan a hiking trip. If they like dogs, then do something with dogs. You don’t need to sit around racking your brain trying to figure out what to do to make someone happy. Just ask them what they like to do, and then go do those things with them.

 

Man asking a girl, "What do you want?"

 

10: Be yourself.

The meaning of life is not to be someone else’s slave. If you change everything about yourself to please someone else, that makes you a hollow, empty person. If you succeed at impressing your date that way, you’ll fail at the larger goal of becoming yourself. If you never become yourself, then you’ll never fulfill any of your own goals with which to draw purpose, happiness, and confidence from. Then there will be nothing for your partner to connect to, let alone admire in you. Sure, you’ll be a great slave, but you’ll be boring and emotionally unsatisfying. Plus, as pleased as your partner may be by your obedience, they’ll come to see you as unworthy of their love since you made it so clear how out of your league they are.

 

"Don't change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you."

 

Men who dress like Don Draper and women who dress like Jessica Rabbit will get dates, but that doesn’t mean you should. It’s mentally unhealthy to change everything about yourself to please another person, and the goal of dating isn’t to impress every person you talk to anyway. The goal is to find the right person for you. If you succeed at bringing the wrong person home, then you’ve failed at dating. If your date won’t accept you for who you are, then they’re not the person you’re looking for anyway. Be yourself, and be relieved by the fact that your unique style is going to drive away at least a third of the dating pool, because the more people who run away from you, the easier it is to pick out your soul mate from the people who are left.

 

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My Theory On Why So Many Women Have Rape Fantasies

I was raised in the Bible Belt where women hid their sexuality under poker faces and bland dresses. Growing up watching Disney movies, I came to the conclusion that women were basically asexual and would only consent to sex reluctantly after thousands of hours of a man begging and bribing her. Even then, women only wanted men to make sweet, tender, passionate love to them. In my twenties, it came as a huge shock to learn women actually have strong sex drives, and they often prefer hard, pounding, ravishing sex over vanilla lovemaking. In my thirties, I read a stack of psychology books about female sexuality and was even more surprised to learn that between 3090 percent of women have recurring rape fantasies despite the fact that most of them feel profound guilt about it. This made me seriously question why so many women have rape fantasies.

Some feminists explain this mystery by saying we live in a rape culture, where “rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality.” I disagree with this theory because even though we definitely live in a sex-culture, you’d have to have a victim complex as bad as the person below not to see that rape is overwhelmingly shunned by society.

 

Screenshot of a tweet by @proud_womyn: "During pregnancy, males have penises inside their mother's vaginas. They are literally raping their own mothers. #NotAnotherMonster"

 

Psychologists have offered the explanation that rape fantasies are a way for women to imagine having sex without the shame of feeling like a slut. This explanation makes more sense. Despite how much sex we’re exposed to in the media, slut shaming is still a thing. When people are sexually repressed, they find creative ways to indulge their sexuality. However, promiscuous and prudish women both have rape fantasies, which leads me to the conclusion that rape fantasies are caused more by nature than nurture.

My theory is that rape fantasies stem from Darwinism. Having sex and marrying for love is a relatively new cultural norm. For most of human history, women have been forced into marriages through slavery and arranged marriages where they had to have sex with a man they didn’t choose. Outside of marriage, it’s fair to assume billions of children have been born from women being raped in the streets and in wars. It’s even a cliché that in the cave man days, if a man wanted a woman, he bonked her on the head with a club and raped her.

 

Drawing of a cave man carrying a club and dragging an unconscious cave woman by her hair

 

Basically, the survival of the human race up until modern times has been achieved largely by rape. You and I don’t like the sound of that, but our DNA is amoral; it will reinforce whatever behavior ensures the survival of a species by encoding past behaviors in itself and passing them down through generations as instincts.

I’m not saying women are born victims who want to be raped any more than I believe men are born closet rapists who spend their lives struggling to hold back the overwhelming urge to abuse women… like this guy seems to think:

 

 

I’m not saying rape is natural or defensible in any way. All I’m saying is our ancestors’ fucked up experiences conditioned us to have fucked up thoughts. I’m not proud of this. I don’t want it to be true. It’s just the most logical explanation I’ve found that concisely explains why men tend to be sexually aggressive and women tend to fantasize about sexually aggressive men and prefer ravenous sex over Prince Charming sex.

We’re more than the sum of our sex drive. A strand of DNA is six feet long. It contains more instructions than the vestiges of our ancestors’ sexual experiences. Our brains are cosmic supercomputers capable of consciousness, awareness of others, logic, empathy, and a million other positive, empowering abilities and predispositions.

We’re biological machines that are designed to survive, and let’s be honest, our rocky evolution has left us with more than a few quirky subconscious features that conflict with our higher level thinking. Everyone has thought of killing someone. Most people have even fantasized about it at length. Everyone watches movies that allow them to live vicariously through imaginary characters who spend their lives unapologetically killing, stealing, cheating and screwing. Women fantasize about rape for the same reason everyone fantasizes about stealing a million dollars. The two daydreams are functionally and morally equivalent.

In your lifetime, you’re going to think an astronomical number of thoughts. Every consecutive thought you have builds on the previous one. As you think through every subject you know about, inevitably, you’re going to reach some thoughts that are a lot farther out there than you believed yourself capable of. Some of these thoughts will be genius, and some will be illegal.

That’s okay. You’re a sentient computer processing information. That’s what you do. The point is to think through everything enough to make the most productive decisions in your real life. As long as you have enough common sense and respect for life not to act on your wildest passing musings, there’s no reason you should limit what you think about or hate yourself for it.

If fantasizing about getting gangbanged helps you get through the morning, enjoy it like a good cup of coffee. Before you feel guilty of what other people would think, trust me, everyone has masturbated to thinking about something that would shock your socks off.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

Sex positions and techniques
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