Category Archives: Sex Positions and Techniques

Introduction To Sex Toys

SEX TOYS FOR WOMEN

 

Dildos and Vibrators

Dildos are plastic penises that women put in their vagina because it feels good. Vibrators are dildos that vibrate, which also feels good. If you’re not sure which one to buy, get a vibrator, and just don’t turn it on when you want it to be a dildo.

Most sex toys (especially dildos and vibrators) are cheaply made mass produced junk. If you’re going to be using a tool to penetrate yourself and achieve physical pleasure, you want the best-designed tool you can get. Ask the clerk at your sex toy store what their best products are, and be prepared to spend between $60-$140.

Dildos and vibrators come in an intimidating range of sizes and styles for two reasons: First, every vagina is different. One size does not fit all. Petite virgin women will need smaller vibrators than bigger, more sexually experienced women. If you’re not sure what size you need, start small and work your way up. If you’re a virgin or have never used a sex toy, you should definitely start small.

Another reason there are so many different kinds of vibrators is because different models are designed to pleasure women in different ways. Here’s a short list of the most popular types of vibrators:

 

Rabbit Vibrator

When a woman wants a really good, all-around orgasm, she uses a rabbit. It’s sleek and it rotates and vibrates, which helps it ease itself into the vagina, and feels great when it’s in inside. All that internal writhing combined with external clitoral stimulation is a recipe for success.

 

Picture of a rabbit vibrator: Basically a dildo with a clitoral stimulator

 

Small Vibrators

Sometimes you want a full-bodied orgasm that hits every spot you’ve got, but oftentimes in life you don’t have the time, energy or privacy to go all out. Sometimes you’re on vacation, and you don’t want to carry a giant android penis around with you. Small vibrators are convenient to have sometimes. You can use them to stimulate your clit and penetrate your vagina. If you have two then you can do both at the same time.

Ladies, if you only use vibrators when you’re alone, you’re missing out on half their potential. If you’ve never been penetrated with a small vibrator while your love goes down on you, you’re missing out a cherishable life experience.

 

Large Vibrators

Sometimes women want a full-bodied orgasm. Sometimes they want a quickie. Sometimes they use a lot of penetration, and other times not so much. But sometimes, every once and a while a woman may have a passing craving to just get filled up to the breaking point of her sanity. She may not know or even want a man with an elephant trunk to service her. So for those occasions when a woman wants to lay in bed with an erotic novel and fantasize about a dirty, sweaty construction worker four times her size, she can dust off her biggest vibrator and play out that fantasy. Note: A very petite woman’s biggest vibrator may be a medium sized vibrator for a larger woman.

FYI: The biggest dildos
and vibrators are usually only bought as gag gifts.

 

G Spot Stimulators

Different vibrators stimulate different parts of the vagina in different ways, and they’re all worth exploring, but sometimes you want to masturbate with a tool that directly targets your two most sensitive pleasure spots: the clitoris and the G-spot. Lucky for you, they make vibrators that do that. In the case of the We-Vibe, you can even wear it comfortably while having sex. Now that’s a recipe for success.

 

Clitoral Stimulators

Women use different amounts of penetration when they masturbate depending on their mood and fantasy, but most women can’t have orgasms through penetration alone. And most women can have an orgasm without any penetration at all because the majority of a woman’s pleasure nerves are in her clitoris. That’s the red button that launches the atomic bombs. When a woman wants to be sure she has a quick, easy body shaking orgasm all she needs to do is stimulate that pleasure button, which is conveniently located outside of her vagina. Luckily, there are a lot of toys that do that. You could always use a vibrator to stimulate your clit, but the motor that moves a vibrator is inside the handle, far away from the part of the toy making contact with the clit. There are other toys designed to provide more direct stimulation to the clit, such as:

 

Eggs

These are discreet and effective. They provide strong clitoral stimulation, and they usually come with a convenient handle that lets you adjust the speed so you can start out slow and gradually increase the speed. They’re a reliable go-to clit stimulator used by millions of women. Cheap ones tend to break quickly though.

 

Picture of a love egg vibrator. Basically a ball attached to a string, attached to a remote controller

 

Magic Wands

If you love your egg but want to take masturbating to the next level, you need a Hitachi Wand. It’s powerful. It’s reliable, and it’s easy to use. The only downside is it’s not discreet, and it won’t fit in your purse.

 

Pocket Rockets

Pocket Rockets are a very popular choice for women who want clitoral stimulation but they want something small and discreet.  These fun toys are about the size and shape of a tube of lipstick, usually with a soft nub on the business end.  They don’t make a lot of noise, won’t break your wallet, and they are perfect for stimulating the clit.  This is a good starter toy for beginners.

 

Other Clit Stimulators

There are a lot of oddly shaped clit stimulators out there, and some of them look very fancy. If you judge them solely by their price tag, they may seem high quality, but at the end of the day, the value of a clit stimulator tends to be measured by how strong its motor is, and how directly it delivers vibrations to the clit. A $110 tiny toy that looks like it came from the future might not deliver as much pleasure as a motorized ball.

 

 Butterfly and Wearable Clit Stimulators

A hands-free device that stimulates the clit is the holy grail of sex toys. There are a few products on the market that have clit stimulators attached to straps or crotchless panties. They’re not bad, but if your body shape isn’t compatible with the product, the clitoral stimulator might not stay on your clit. Hopefully, you can find a pair that works for you.

 

Nipple Clamps

To a white dressed virgin raised in the Bible Belt, nipple clamps may seem like something only a hardcore BDSM dungeon lurker would buy, but consider that most women have sensitive nipples. It feels good when they’re played with. Nipple clamps can help most women with that. Plus, whatever naughty stigmas they may have just makes them all the more delightfully naughty to use. Just do some internet research on the proper use of nipple clamps.

 

Clit Cream

Porn stores sell different creams that are supposed to stimulate the clitoris. They all basically work like Icy Hot, which you should NOT use as a substitute. The cream makes your skin tingle, which is a sensation in and of itself, but your clit also becomes a little more sensitive for a while. Some girls find it overpowering. Some girls get a little more out of it. I’ve never met a girl who used it regularly, but I’m sure there’s someone out there…. Though I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to chemically overstimulate your clit on a regular basis.

 

SEX TOYS FOR MEN

 

Pocket Pussies

99% of men masturbate. There’s a stigma against using toys because it’s seen as lonely and desperate by some people. For just a moment, stop caring about what people might think about what you do in private, and consider this: The more efficiently you stimulate your penis the better orgasms you’ll get. Given the choice, you’d usually rather feel the sensation of a pussy around your cock than your hand. There are a lot of good products that feel like real pussies and will take your masturbating to a higher level. Just be sure to spend the extra money on a good quality product. Clean your toy, and be aware that you can only fuck a piece of latex so many times before it wears out and needs to be replaced.

If you are going to buy a pocket pussy don’t waste your money on a piece of plastic.  It feels like you’re having sex with a beach ball. Spend the money on the squishy ones.  The Fleshlight is the most famous pocket pussy and for good reason. Its suction power can even make your penis bigger and make you last longer in bed.

 

Picture of several fleshlights: Basically a long cup with a latex vagina in it

 

Cock Rings

Cock rings are simple plastic bands that you stick both your dick and balls through so that the ring hugs the base of your cock against your abdomen and behind your balls. This gives you a bigger erection for longer by limiting blood flow away from your penis. It’s a helpful cure for whiskey dick, but if you cut off blood flow to a body part for more than 4 hours gangrene will set in. Research proper us of cock rings, and use them with caution.

 

Clitoral Stimulating Cock Rings

There’s another flavor of cock rings that don’t go behind your balls. You can spot them because they look more like a large ring than a bracelet. They’re usually made of stretchy plastic, and they have a big vibrating clitoral stimulator on the top. This kind of cock ring slips onto your penis like putting a ring on it. If you try to put it on behind your balls you’re going to cut off all circulation to your genitals, and that’s bad. Slide it down to the base of your shaft and then turn it on. In theory, while wearing this device you’ll be able to have PIV sex with a woman and stimulate her clit at the same time. The problem is the cock ring only stimulates her clit when you’re pressed all the way against her, which makes it useless for doggy style sex and only slightly useful for missionary position sex. It works best in the cowgirl position. It’s a fun novelty, but it’s not a must-have for every toy drawer.

 

Penis Pumps

In theory, penis pumps are supposed to make your dick bigger by stretching it out. I know a few men who swear by them, but the Fleshlight’s Stamina Training model would accomplish the same effect, feel better, and not burst your blood vessels.

 

Erection Pills

You can’t buy Viagra at a sex toy store, but you can buy “penis enhancement pills.” They take about 45 minutes to take effect and give you as big of an erection as you’re capable of having for a few hours. You’ll also be able to orgasm multiple times in quick succession without losing your erection. Then, for the next few days, you’ll get big, longer lasting erections more easily. These pills work as advertised, but they’re very hard on your heart. The packages even say not to take more than one pill every 3-6 days. I doubt many doctors would suggest ever taking these pills. If you do use them, consider taking 1/4th or ½ a pill. And don’t use them if you have health problems, especially heart problems.

 

Prostate Massagers

Men have a prostate gland inside their body that can be stimulated through anal penetration. It’s basically the male G-spot. Men who are interested in anal play but have reservations about what they’re willing to put inside of them should look into prostate stimulators. If you’re going to be shoving something up your ass, it may as well be scientifically designed to target the one place you need to stimulate most without stretching you out like a prison rape victim. Throw caution to the wind and buy a slim, high-quality prostate stimulator and you will be rewarded with sinfully intense orgasms.

 

Picture of a vibrating prostate massager with remote controller

 

Condoms

Condoms are like cheese and windshield wipers; if you buy the cheap stuff you’re going to get a cheap product.  Spend the extra few dollars on good condoms, not the stuff you get out of a vending machine in the bathroom of a bowling alley.  Two dollars is a small price compared to the cost of a baby or venereal disease.

Even among higher-priced condoms, there are still a lot of options, but most of those options are hokey novelties. Glow in the dark condoms are juvenile. Ribbed condoms aren’t very popular with the ladies. Flavored condoms are considerate to use when receiving safe oral sex. The safest bet is to just go with extra-lubricated condoms. When you’re getting frisky with a woman and you have to stop to struggle to put on a condom, if you have a hard time getting your covered penis back in her vagina you could lose your erection, which can lead to frustration, shame, and anxiety. Extra lubricated condoms give you a little extra insurance that won’t happen, and they give your sexual partner little extra insurance that they won’t get rubbed raw by a dry condom.

The most pleasurable (and most expensive) condoms for men and women are called lambskin condoms. However, they don’t protect against AIDS. So only use them with a committed partner who you know doesn’t have an STD (at least, not one that you don’t already have).

 

SEX TOYS FOR MEN AND WOMEN

 

Butt Plugs

If you’re new to anal sex, you may be intimidated by the anal isle at your local sex toy store. Books could be written about all the different kind of anal toys there are out there, but for starters, you only need to know about one: butt plugs. Whether you’re exploring anal play alone or with a partner, butt plugs are safe, enjoyable tools to stimulate yourself with or loosen up someone’s back door to prepare them for anal sex.  Experienced anal sex aficionados will usually start with a small butt plug and gradually put larger ones in to loosen up the anus for anal sex.  Most porn stars do this behind the scenes of movies before a shoot.

Do not ever stick a regular vibrator up your ass! Butt plugs and anal stimulators are designed with a wide base so the toys can’t get accidentally sucked into your rectum.  A regular vibrator does not have that fail-safe.

 

Vanilla Toys

Porn stores carry a useful selection of vanilla sex gear that anyone can use to add a little spice to their sex life like games, restraints, oils, edibles, and other stuff. If you’re too nervous to buy anything else the first time you go to a sex store, pick up one of these vanilla accessories.

 

Lubricants

If nothing else, buy some lube.  It’s not just for anal sex. So, what’s the best personal lubricant available? Well, the answer is going to depend on you and your partner’s likes and dislikes with lube. There are literally thousands of options available and you will want to visit a site like Lubricant Reviews in order to read about what options each lube offers. There are water-based lubes, silicone-based lubes, oil-based lubes, homemade lubes and anal lubes, each with their pros and cons. Sex can be complicated sometimes, and lube goes a long way to making the whole experience more enjoyable for both parties. It also goes a long way to prevent uncomfortable, problematic sex sessions, and ensures you won’t experience chaffing or dryness during sex.You probably won’t regret it.

 

BDSM Gear

Porn stores also sell a useful selection of tools like whips, masks, ropes, riding crops, paddles, and gags that are designed to inflict pain and bind the recipients of their use into mental, emotional and physical submission. It’s understandable how that could look and sound bad, but submissive role-playing can be a healthy, happy, nurturing experience when done correctly. If you don’t believe me, there’s plenty of BDSM literature out there that is very interesting to read even if you decide BDSM just isn’t for you. Everyone should own a pair of fuzzy handcuffs.  Metal ones hurt.  If you don’t want a pair of handcuffs laying around the house sex tape is a comfortable alternative that can add some kink to your life without making you feel like a dominatrix.

 

Sex Cushions

Sex cushions take up a lot of shelf space. So smaller stores may not stock many if any of these. You can order them online though, and every sexually active couple should have one or two of these. Sex is two bodies banging together. Great sex is two bodies banging together from comfortable, sustainable positions that often guide the penis towards the G-spot. Sex cushions open up possibilities for to fuck in slightly better positions. That’s worth spending money on.

 

Picture of sex wedge cushions: basically triangle shaped foam cushions

 

Lingerie

Sex toy stores tend to sell a lot of lingerie. Unfortunately, most of it is outlandish. If you’re looking for elegant, classy lingerie to wear for a lover, go to Victoria’s Secret. Go clothing shopping at a porn store if you’re looking for something naughtier or you want a role-playing costume like a naughty nurse or school girl.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

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How To Spice Up Your Sex Life Without Getting Too Kinky

1. Be nicer to each other in general.

If things have cooled down in the bedroom there’s a good chance things have cooled down between you and your lover in general. If you want to rekindle the fire in the bedroom, start by rekindling your love and passion for one another. That passion will naturally pour over into the bedroom, and the sex you do have will be more meaningful.

Even if you don’t currently have any problems in the bedroom, you should still make a conscious effort to be nicer to your lover. Love is a flower that needs to be watered every day to blossom and stay vibrant. So make an extra effort to compliment each other, do nice things for each other and tell each other how much you care about one another.

 

2. Have an open conversation with your lover about your sexual expectations.

If there is anything about your relationship that’s bothering you, then you should have an open conversation with your lover about it. Unresolved complaints only get worse, and the only way they’re going to get resolved is by talking about them. If you can’t talk to your lover then you either need to get couples therapy or break up. If you can talk to your lover then talk to them. Ask them what their sexual expectations are and tell them about yours. Get to know each other’s fantasies, and work out a plan where everyone gets what they want. Improving your sex life can be as simple as that.

 

 

3. Talk erotically during (and not during) sex

If you and your partner are always completely silent during sex other than a few moans and grunts, the least you could do to spice up your sex life is to throw a little dialogue into sex every once in a while. It doesn’t have to be raunchy and corny. If nothing else, say, “Baby, I love you,” once at some point during sex.

Compliment your lover during sex. Tell them how attractive they are. Everyone goes through a lifetime of trouble to look good in order to have sex. It’s very gratifying to have that hard work verbally acknowledged and praised by the person you did all that work for. And when your lover gratifies you by complimenting your sexiness it makes you want to reciprocate the gratification.

Call out your lover’s name during sex. That’s not corny at all. It feels great to have someone scream out your name in ecstatic passion. Give that gift to your lover.

Sex isn’t something that only happens in the bedroom. Tell your lover naughty things in the morning before work and throughout the day. Sext them. Randomly tell them how sexy they are. Tell them how horny they make you. Tell them to spend the rest of the day imagining you fucking them. Describe what you’re going to do to them and leave that thought with them to carry through the day. They’ll have a good day, and you’ll probably both have a good night.

 

4. Vary your sexual positions.

Write the following list of sex positions on a piece of paper, and keep that piece of paper by your bed. Every time you have sex in one of the positions on the list, put a mark next to that position. At the end of a month, you should be able to get a good idea of what you’re doing too much of and not enough of. Adding new positions to your list will only make your sex life spicier.

 

 

5. Vary the speed and duration of your sex.

If your sex life happens on Tuesday and Thursdays between 9pm and 10pm, of course your sex life is going to get boring. Write the following list of sexual encounters on a piece of paper and keep it by your bed. Each time you have sex, put a mark next to which kind of sex you had. At the end of a month, you should be able to see what you’re doing too much of and where you have room to spice things up.

  • Quickie
  • Tantric Sex
  • Slow, Passionate Romantic Sex
  • Routine Sex
  • Morning Sex
  • Afternoon Delight
  • Sleeping Sex
  • Wild Romp
  • Fuck Me Like You Don’t Care About My Feelings Sex

 

6. Have more oral sex.

It’s hard to be unhappy when you’re reciprocating great oral sex with someone on a regular basis. If that’s not part of your life then you’re doing it wrong. If you’re really in love you should be reciprocating oral sex anyway, because nothing says, “I love you” more than putting someone’s genitals in your mouth.

 

7. Use toys

Toys aren’t dirty or kinky. They’re not a danger. They’re an opportunity. But if you’re bashful about the idea of using toys in bed, the least you could do is get an egg/bullet shaped clitoral stimulator. It’s discreet and nonthreatening looking. And it makes miracles. Most women can’t achieve orgasm through penis-in-vagina sex alone; they need clitoral stimulation. A girl can stimulate her clit easily during sex with an egg/bullet shaped clitoral stimulator. That means she can orgasm during sex all the time. That’s not shameful. That’s sex done correctly.

 

 

8. Make videos

Making sex videos is fun to do. It’s fun to watch afterward, and the replays can be very educational and inspirational.

 

9. Change your environment

If the only place you ever have sex is your bedroom then of course sex is going to get boring. If nothing else, rearrange your bedroom every once in a while. Better yet, go have sex somewhere else. If nothing else, fuck in other rooms of your house. Fuck in your car. Get a hotel room and fuck there. Go camping. Find excuses to get out of the house and find new legal places to have sex. You could probably use the change of scenery anyway.

 

10. Wear sexy underwear

You wouldn’t expect your lover to wear expensive, sexy underwear all the time, but if they did you’d love it. They’d love it if you wore sexy underwear all the time. It would turn them on and make them associate you with the idea of sex. Plus, you’ll feel sexier and more confident yourself.

 

11. Sex slave Sunday

Imagine this. Every other Sunday you and your lover take turns being the sex master for the entire day while the other plays the role of the submissive. I’m not saying every other Sunday one of you gets locked in a cage naked and has wet dog food thrown at them through the bars. If your lover offers you a blank sexual check for a day and all you ask for is a blowjob at lunchtime, that’s cool. The important thing is you got what you wanted, and next week you’re going to get to reciprocate the selflessness your lover showed you on your weekend in control. This way nobody goes more than two weeks without getting what they want. If you institute sex slave Sunday, be sure to agree on a safe word.

 

12. Go to therapy

If your sex life sucks and your love life sucks you might consider going to couples therapy. Think of your love life as a child. If your real child gets sick you rush it to the doctor because your child is important to you. If you love child is important to you then take it to the love doctor when it’s sick.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

Sex positions and techniques
General Sex Advice
Dating Advice
Relationship Advice
Philosophy of Sexuality
Friendship
My Tweets About Romance

Advice To Female Virgins About Having Sex

1: Men want sex all the time. This doesn’t make them evil.

Men’s sex drive is generally much stronger than women’s. Men (particularly teens) crave it so badly it hurts. Unfortunately, this means that nature has inflicted a conundrum on you as a woman because denying your boyfriend any sexual relief will likely cause him a great deal of anxiety, and if he has to wait too long to get relief from you he may go looking for it elsewhere. I’m not saying he’s right or you’re wrong. I’m not saying you have to “give it up” to prove that you care about him or that he’s justified in cheating on you if you withhold sex from him. You don’t owe your boyfriend sex. You owe it to yourself to be true to yourself. So don’t have sex until you’re ready. Take care of yourself, and don’t let yourself be pressured into doing anything you’re not ready for.

Just be aware of your boyfriend’s condition so you can understand where he’s coming from. He’s not a creep for wanting to have sex; he’s a human being. Instead of complaining about his urges and silently stone-walling him, communicate openly about your sexual expectations, and encourage him to do the same. If you’re not ready for sex then you may consider just staying single. You may also consider giving him handjobs and blowjobs. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution here. The important thing is for both of you figure out what’s right for you and communicate proactively about it.

If you are at a point in your life and your relationship where you’re ready to have sex, there are a few things you should know about men. Firstly, men weren’t born with a handbook to understanding women. It takes years for men to achieve even a basic understanding of the female mind and body. Don’t expect men to be able to read your mind, and don’t hold it against them if they do something wrong. Don’t be demanding or judgmental. In order to make your first sexual experiences as enjoyable and effective as possible for both of you, you need to do what you can to make each other feel safe and comfortable. If your man doesn’t know how to please you, then instead of resenting him for it, you need to take responsibility for getting what you want/need by training your man how to please you. You don’t have to wait until after you’ve had sex to do this.

 

 

2: Men aren’t born sexperts. Have realistic expectations, be patient, and don’t judge.

Young men may not understand that most women can’t achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation. They may not even know what the clitoris is or where it is. They may not understand what your G-spot is, where it is or how to stimulate it. They may also not understand how important the emotional and contextual aspects of sex are for you. Young men tend to go into their first sexual encounters assuming that women view sex exactly the same as men. Since men are practical, goal-oriented thinkers they tend to view sex as a physical act that revolves around physically stimulating each other until you both achieve orgasm and then the act is over. That’s not to say that men are emotionless machines, but they do have a tendency to not understand that for women, sex is as much (if not more) about the two people involved connecting emotionally and making the most out of the overall experience than simply stimulating each other’s genitals as proficiently as possible until you both orgasm.

Men won’t know these things until they figure it out through trial and error or until someone tells them. So, again, communicate openly with your man about your wants and needs. Also, encourage them to do their own research on the internet other than watching porn videos. If nothing else, share the link to this essay with them.

Also, understand that men feel extreme pressure to succeed at all aspects of life. So there’s a good chance they’ll be obsessing the whole time over everything they’re doing in a desperate attempt to prove their manhood. They do this partly out of a selfish desire to prove their worth to their self, but they judge their success by how much they please you, and they do selflessly want to please you.

In fact, they may be so nervous about pleasing you that their anxiety will cause them to not be able to get an erection. And there’s nothing more terrifying or humiliating to a man than not being able to get an erection during sex. If that happens they’ll experience an avalanche of guilt and embarrassment that they surely won’t be able to get an erection. Then they’ll leave feeling awful, and they’ll regret it the rest of their lives.

As a girl, you know how anxiety can cripple your ability to enjoy sex. Even though some guys can’t wait to get their penis in your vagina, others are just as nervous as you. The more anxiety they feel, the less sexually capable they’ll be. Despite what television may have taught you, all men are not supermen, and most men who come across as supermen are not actually supermen. They’re just really good liars. So don’t expect your man to be a superman. Expect them to be just as human as you. If you want to have the best sexual experience with them then make them feel as comfortable, safe and desired as you want to be. Create a warm, accepting atmosphere for them where they can flourish.

 

3: Men want to do whatever pleases you.

This brings us to the topic of how you can physically please your man when the time comes. Luckily for you, men are easy to please sexually. One simple way to please your man is to just do whatever pleases you. As long as you’re having sex with him and being an active participant and enjoying yourself then he’s probably going to enjoy it too. Truly, the one thing that drives men the craziest during sex is seeing/hearing/smelling/tasting their lover having the time of their life. Almost the only way you can go wrong is by just lying there like a sack of potatoes. Even then, you’ll find that guys often like to take control and all you can do is just hold on for dear life while they ravage you (in a good way). Even when he takes control, you can still participate by moaning and shouting, which you may enjoy doing anyway.

 

4: Try new things on a regular basis.

When you finally find yourself in a long-term sexual relationship you’re going to need to try different things to keep your sex life interesting. That means having sex in different positions and in different places. You can try role playing, talking dirty, incorporating toys, blindfolds, handcuffs. The list goes on forever. You don’t have to do everything, and you don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. However, if you’re never open to expanding your horizons you will probably bore your man, and you’ll be missing out on adventures yourself. Getting kinky doesn’t make you a disgusting slut. It makes you well-rounded.

 

5: Blowjobs are your best friend.

Blowjobs are your silver bullet. If you can give a great blowjob and you volunteer to give them to your man on a regular basis he will bend over backward for you. If you complain about giving blowjobs, rarely give them to him, and barely put forth an effort when you do, I can guarantee he will complain to his friends about how inattentive you are to his wants/needs. Is that fair? Maybe not, but that’s life. And if you expect him to perform great oral sex on you then you should reciprocate.

If you’re simply refuse to stick your partner’s penis in your mouth for whatever reason, don’t act all disgusted, disappointed, and resentful when your man tries to initiate a blowjob. In doing so, you’re telling him that his dick is a revolting, unlovable piece of trash. Men’s dicks are very important to them. They love them. They name them. They base a portion of their self-worth on them. If you’re going to insult your lover’s manhood, you may as well literally kick them in his disgusting balls, because that’s what you’re doing to him emotionally.

 

 

6: Don’t fake orgasms.

Don’t fake orgasms. If a man isn’t bringing you to orgasm then tell him how to improve his technique. Faking orgasms just teaches him that whatever he’s doing wrong is what you like best. There may come a day when you’re having sex and you’re not really into and you just want it to end and you decide to fake an orgasm to get him to hurry up and finish. If you’re going to tell a white lie, tell him that you’re sore and that you’ll finish him off with a hand job or blowjob.

 

7: Pornography is not your enemy.

A lot of women feel threatened by their man masturbating to pornography or masturbating at all. This is understandable but ultimately unfounded. Like I said earlier, men have voracious sexual appetites, so much so that you may not want to have sex every single time they do. So they’re going to masturbate. 99% of men do masturbate, and it’s not because they don’t want you or they want someone else. They just want to masturbate. If it brings them any amount of happiness then you should want that for them.

 

8: Pee after sex.

If you don’t use the bathroom within a few minutes after sex you highly increase your odds of getting a urinary tract infection, especially if you have sex in one of the deeper penetrating positions such as the folded lawn chair.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

Sex positions and techniques
General Sex Advice
Dating Advice
Relationship Advice
Philosophy of Sexuality
Friendship
My Tweets About Romance

 


How To Have Sex In The Cowgirl Position

WHAT IS THE COWGIRL POSITION?

The cowgirl position is, “a group of sex positions in which the man lies on his back or sits. The woman straddles him facing either forward or backward, and the man inserts his erect penis into the woman’s vagina or anus.”

WHEN SHOULD YOU USE THE COWGIRL POSITION?

The biggest advantage of the cowgirl position is that it can angle the penis perfectly to hit the g-spot or penetrate the vagina deeply. The woman also has complete control of how she moves her body. So she’s in the perfect position to hit all her favorite spots exactly how she wants. In particular, it gives the woman control to rub her clitoris against the man’s abdomen, which gives her the power to give herself an orgasm during PIV sex. This is also a great position for pregnant women who can’t have a man lying on top of them.

There are a lot of slight variations you can make to the cowgirl position that can all be very effective at pleasuring women in different ways. The trick is picking the right variation for the moment. Since there are so many options, it behooves women to communicate openly with their partner about what they want, and it behooves men to listen.

As much potential as this position has to pleasure a woman, young men should not assume shy virgins would want to begin their first sexual experience on top. She may not know what to do and be nervous about being exposed and in control. If she feels more comfortable being guided through sex until she’s more experienced, consider starting with the missionary position, and put off experimenting with the cowgirl position until later.

The cowgirl position is a great choice when a woman wants to pleasure a man because it lets him lie on his back and relax while the woman does most of the work. It’s also emotionally gratifying for a man to see a woman actually put enthusiasm and effort into pleasing him. It makes him feel good, and it makes the woman look good to him.

WHAT DO YOU DO BEFORE PENETRATION?

Sex begins when the intimacy starts, not when penetration happens. When you have less than 10 minutes of foreplay before penetration, you’re having a quickie, and a lifetime of quickies is unfulfilling, especially for women. Foreplay isn’t a daunting task you have to complete. It’s an opportunity to experience your partner, pleasure them and build sexual tension so that your orgasms are more intense.

There’s not much foreplay a guy can instigate while lying on his back. The woman can straddle his face and let him eat her out, which is fun and worth doing now and then. But sitting on a guy’s face is a novelty position and is best used to tease and warm up a woman’s sexual organs before penetration. If your goal is to give a girl an orgasm through cunnilingus, you’d have better luck laying her on her back where she can relax and focus entirely on the pleasure between her legs.

The man lying on his back is perfect for going down on a guy or giving him hand jobs though, which is convenient if the man is having a difficult time getting an erection. The woman can lay him on his back, go down on him and jump on top before he loses his erection. He’ll be able to relax and focus on the pleasure, and he won’t have to deal with the potential frustration of putting the condom on or guiding his penis into the woman’s vagina. This will further reduce the chances of him losing his erection. Regardless of what position you’re in, if your man is having difficulty getting an erection because he’s nervous, try using slow, soothing, passionate movements as you kiss him and caress his body and cock. Don’t be aggressive, demanding or condescending.

When a man is lying on his back, the woman can kneel or lay between his legs and blow him from there or she can straddle him in the 69 position. From the 69 position, she can also move both knees to one side of the man’s head so that he’s not looking up at her crotch. All of these positions can work just as well for giving a blowjob. It depends entirely on what both partners are comfortable with. Find what works for you, but remember to vary your routine every once and a while to spice up your sex life.

The 69 position is fun, but since both partners can’t fully concentrate on what they’re doing or experiencing, it’s difficult for either partner to achieve orgasm. It’s still possible, and it’ll be rewarding, but the 69 position is mainly a novelty position best used for a short time to warm each other up prior to getting down to business.

The cowgirl position can be emotionally and physically stimulating without putting anyone’s genitals in anyone’s mouths. The woman can straddle the man and lean forward over his chest for an intimate make-out session. The man can and should use his hands to caress, grab, squeeze, pinch and tickle the woman’s body. This is also a convenient time for the man to grab a wide tract of the woman’s hair on the back of her skull as close to the roots as possible and pull her hair back.

The woman won’t have access to as much surface area of the man’s body to touch, but what she can do, she should. But the best part of straddling the man is that she can rub her pussy lips up and down the base of the man’s erect penis. This feels great for both partners, and if you angle your bodies correctly, the woman can rub her clit up and down the man’s penis, which will feel very good to the woman, and if she does it long enough, could give her an orgasm.

No matter what you’re doing during foreplay, it will almost always be improved by a little sexy talk. The trick to sexy talk isn’t to try to spout impromptu poetry. Just compliment your partner from the heart, and tell them how they make you feel. The goal isn’t to impress them with your prose. The goal is to make them feel important.

TYPES OF COWGIRL POSITIONS

1: Perpendicular Kneeling

This is the classic cowgirl position. The woman kneels over the man’s groin and inserts his penis into her vagina. From this position, she can start out slow and ease her way into sex. She can hop, grind, swivel, twerk, and wave. It’s a great all-around position.

2: Perpendicular Squatting

Instead of kneeling, the woman can plant her feet down and squat onto the penis while holding her body straight up or leaning forward. This can feel reasonably good for both partners since the angle guides the penis straight up the vagina. However, can be tiring and awkward for the woman to keep her balance. The man can help by holding the woman’s butt up with his hands or thighs, but that may not be effective if the woman is big and the man is small. Anyone sexually liberated enough to use ropes and bars to hold onto during sex can really make the most of this position.

3: Leaning Back

If the woman starts in the kneeling or squatting position, she can lean back and rest her hands by the man’s thighs. The man can also help support her weight with his hands and thighs. This can be awkward and tiring for the woman, and it can bend the man’s penis painfully towards his feet. At the right angle, it can feel good for both partners, but the high cost and low payout of this position make it more of a novelty position.

4: Woman Leaning Forward

From the kneeling position, the woman can lean forward. This is an intimate position because both partners can embrace, caress and kiss each other. It angles the penis directly into the vagina, which feels good for both partners at any speed. Both partners can thrust, and it’s a little less tiring for women than sitting straight up. This is a good all-around position.

5: Man Sitting Up

If the man puts a cushion behind himself, he can prop his back up, and the woman can mount him while he’s in a sitting position. This makes it easier for both partners to kiss and caress each other, but it can limit how much the can thrust (especially if he is small and his partner is big). The man is in a perfect position to lift the woman’s ass with his hands, and the woman is in a perfect position to bounce and grind. It also angles the penis for deep penetration. This can be a very effective position for both partners. If you haven’t tried this position, you’re missing out.

6: Reverse Cowgirl Perpendicular

When the woman is kneeling over the man’s groin looking towards his head, she can turn around and mount him with her face pointing towards his feet. She thrusts against the penis by leaning her body forward towards the man’s feet and then dropping her ass backward towards his groin. This makes it precariously easy to bend the man’s penis down painfully towards his feet. It also angles the woman’s body so that she’s slamming her butt straight towards the man’s balls. Despite the dangers, this position has a lot of potential, and some people absolutely swear by it, but it’s certainly one of the more advanced sex positions.

7: Reverse Cowgirl Crabwise

In this position, the woman plants her hands and feet on the ground/bed with her face pointing towards the ceiling while the man lies underneath her looking up at the back of her head. She thrusts by lowering her body towards the man’s feet and then pushing her body back upwards towards the man’s head. This position can be tiring and awkward for the woman to maintain. The man can help by supporting her with his hands and thighs, but a small man won’t be able to hold a large woman for very long. This position can be made much easier if the woman has bars or ropes to hold onto. This can be a very pleasurable position, but it’s definitely another advanced technique. This position can be very rewarding for both partners if they can maintain it.

8: Reverse Cowgirl Squatting

The woman plants her feet on the ground/bed and squats down over the man’s penis while facing towards his feet. It can be difficult for the woman to keep her balance, but the man can support her ass with his hands, and she can lean forward to rest her hands on his knees. This is a position where ropes or bars to hold onto would really help.

This position can angle the penis away from the G-spot, but it also lends to deep penetration and hard thrusts from both partners. This is probably the most advanced of the cowgirl positions. If you don’t get it right the first time, don’t let it stop you from trying again sometime.

9: Reverse Cowgirl Leaning Back

From the reverse cowgirl position, the woman can lean back until her back touches the man’s chest. A woman needs to be very flexible to hold this position when her knees still on the ground/bed. Most likely, she’ll be more comfortable laying her legs out flat in the same way as the man. If she plants her feet next to the man’s thighs and bends her knees, she can stabilize her balance better and use her legs to thrust and writhe a little. The man will be able to kiss, nibble, lick and bite the woman’s shoulders, neck, ears, and face. He will also be able to wrap his arms completely around the woman to caress her, play with her breasts and possibly even stimulate her clit. This is an intimate, sensual position at any speed. It has a lot of potential for men and women, but it takes both partners working together.

WHAT SPEED DO YOU THRUST?

1: Slow

As a general rule, it’s always best to start out PIV sex slowly to give the woman’s vagina time to relax, expand and moisten. Starting any position too fast is likely to be immediately painful for the woman and leave her sore for potentially days afterward. This shouldn’t be much of a problem in the cowgirl position since the woman is in the dominant position and can control the speed. However, the man can take control away from the woman and thrust upwards at the speed he wants at any time. Men should resist the urge to take control away from a woman while she’s on top. Even though she may not be moving as fast as the man wants, she’s probably doing what feels best to her. The man is not going to impress her by taking that away from her.

2: Medium

A steady, rhythmic, medium pace is almost always great for both partners in any position. Though the tendency in sex is to get so worked up you can’t wait for the grand finale, it’s usually best to resist the urge to rush to the end. After you’ve had enough slow sex to loosen and moisten the vagina, stick with a medium pace for a while. It will make the sex last a little longer and give you both better orgasms. When both partners thrust in unison at a medium pace, the results are spectacular.

3: Fast

As both partners get closer to orgasm, harder, faster thrusts usually feel better. Though, men tend to enjoy very fast thrusts more than women, while women generally prefer harder thrusts to faster ones. When it comes time for fast and hard thrusts in the cowgirl position, there’s only so much the woman can do since she’s pushing her hips downwards and backward. The man can actually thrust faster and harder from below. So, if speed is what you’re going for, it may be best to let the man take control and do most of the thrusting while the woman holds on for dear life. Fast/hard sex is also a great time for the man to pull the woman’s hair and/or talk really dirty to her.

HOW DO YOU THRUST?

1: Hopping up and down

When the woman hops up and down on the man’s penis, it feels good for both partners. If both partners put a little muscle into it, you can get some hard, slamming connections. The downside is that it can be tiring for the woman, and it doesn’t stimulate her clit. So she is unlikely to achieve an orgasm from it.

When the woman is hopping up and down, the man can hold his legs together, which gives the woman the most freedom, or, he can spread lift his knees and lean them outward like a butterfly. This makes it easier for the man to thrust, and the woman can hold onto his knees for support. However, it takes some control away from the woman and limits her freedom to choose her own angle.

Women, when you’re jumping up and down on a man’s penis (especially when you’re doing it fast and hard), be mindful of his balls. You may be crushing them between his legs, especially when he has his thighs completely pressed together.

2: Swiveling Hips

When the woman swivels her hips, she can tilt her man’s penis so that it hits 360’s of her vaginal tunnel. This can be pleasurable, and it’s a good way to loosen the vagina to prepare for harder, faster penetration. This is a physically and mentally stimulating experience for men. It demonstrates to him that his woman is virile and giving. It’s playful and enticing. It’s usually never a bad idea to throw in a few hip swivels in during cowgirl sex sessions. Just know that this is a “cherry on the top” kind of move. It’s tiring and unlikely to do enough for either partner to bring them to orgasm. This technique is best used during the first few minutes after penetration and intermittently afterward just to spice things up.

3: Grinding

Most women can’t have an orgasm through PIV sex alone. They need clitoral stimulation. More than any other sexual position, most woman probably have the best chance of achieving an orgasm during PIV sex (without using a toy) while grinding in the cowgirl position. The cowgirl gives the woman the opportunity to rub her clit on the man’s abdomen and have his cock deep inside of her, and she has complete control of speed and pressure… especially if the man puts his legs together.

If ever there was a time during sex when a man should verbally ask the woman what she wants him to do, this would be it. But really, mostly what the man needs to do is lay there and let the woman pleasure herself.

What the woman is doing will feel good to the man, and he can orgasm from it, but left to his own devices he’d probably choose something with more thrusting. This technique has very little thrusting to it, since the point is to keep the clit pressed against the man’s abdomen. There are plenty of other positions that are more suited to pleasure men, and men get to experience those all the time while the girl waits patiently for him to finish. Sometimes it’s the man’s turn to take one for the team, and if he wants to be a great lover, he should want to do that. So, men, be patient and let your woman do her thing.

4: Twerking

Twerking can be tiring. So it’s not something women should plan to do for a long time. It does feel good for both partners though, and it demonstrates virility and kindness on the woman’s part. Like hip-swiveling, this a “cherry on top” move that is welcome in almost any cowgirl sex session, at least for a few moments.

5: The Wave

The woman can make long, flowing, gliding, arching thrusts with her hips, fucking her man in a wavy motion. The woman feels her partner’s penis inside her from different angles, which means the man also feels the vagina from different angles. This is an incredibly sensual, intimate move at any speed. It gets more difficult the faster you do it, but at slow-to-medium speeds, it’s not particularly tiring. So it can be done for a long time. This move feels better for men than woman. Men have more of a chance of achieving orgasm from the wave, but with a little deliberation, the woman can rub her clit against the man’s abdomen as she swings her hips forward. If that’s not enough to get her off, she can always switch to the grinding technique at any time to heighten her pleasure momentarily or to finish herself off.

6: Letting Him do the Work

Sometimes it’s nice for the woman to kneel over her man and let him do all the work, thrusting up. This can be very tiring for the man if the woman rests her entire body weight on his groin, but if she can support some of her own weight, the man should be able to thrust upwards for quite a while.

Some men are used to doing all the work. So when the girl gets on top he still won’t give her control. He thinks he’s being a giving lover, but he’s really taking away the woman’s opportunity to pleasure herself, and he’s missing out on the opportunity to pleasure his lover without hardly doing any work. Men should think long and hard about if/when they should commandeer full control of the cowgirl position. There’s no one right answer, but if the woman hasn’t had a chance to do her thing yet, think about letting her.

When a man (especially a sexually inexperienced man) is close to orgasm, he sometimes loses control of his mind and body and feels compelled to thrust as fast and hard as he can. Sometimes this is extremely pleasurable for women. Her vagina enjoys deep, passionate thrusts, and her psyche is overwhelmed by being overpowered by a raging sex bull. Sometimes her vagina is sore, and her psyche is underwhelmed by the fact that she’s on a ride she’s not enjoying but can’t get off. Men need to pay attention to their women and be mindful of the state of their vagina. If a man is going to lose control and start acting like a jackrabbit on steroids, he should at least accentuate the experience with hair pulling, dirty talk, love talk, groping, kissing and/or moaning so the experience is more passionate and less clinical for the woman.

WHAT KIND OF TOYS CAN YOU USE?

1: Restraints

The cowgirl family of positions are perfect for tying a man to the bed. There’s a different flavor of fun in tying only his hands, only his feet or all of his extremities at the same time. He can also be blindfolded and gagged. All of these techniques will heighten his senses and give the woman the satisfaction of being in control.

Women who want to dominate and be dominated at the same time can still have their hands tied behind their backs and be blindfolded. Their legs can be tied down to the bed as well. Both partners can even be tied to each other. The number of ways you can use restraints in the cowgirl position is limited only by your imagination.

2: Cushions

Putting a pillow or wedge-shaped cushion under the man’s ass will angle his penis more towards his face. Depending on which variation of the cowgirl position you’re using, this can change the depth the penis penetrates the vagina and how well it hits the G-spot. Try every variation with and without a pillow or cushion to see what works best for you.

3: Clitoral Stimulator

It’s hard for either the man or woman to hold a pocket rocket or bullet/egg clitoral stimulator on the clit in most of the cowgirl positions since her groin is usually slamming down on the man’s abdomen. Even when she’s grinding, the device is likely to get dislodged. The best chances you have of using a clitoral stimulator may be for the man takes control of the thrusting while the woman holds the device where she wants it.

4: Vibrating Cock Ring

One of the few instances where a vibrating cock ring is actually useful is when the woman grinds the man in the cowgirl position. This gives her snug clitoral stimulation and deep PIV penetration at the same time. This is the perfect combination in theory, but I’ve never found a cock ring ergonomically designed well enough to fulfill this position/combo’s full potential in practice.

5: Dildos/Vibrators

With all the flopping around, it can be easier to stimulate the clit with a long vibrator than a tiny egg/bullet shaped clit stimulator. The downside to using a vibrator to stimulate the clit while bouncing up and down is it’s hard to hold in place. With enough practice and determination, you can successfully incorporate vibrators into the cowgirl position, but that’s advanced technique.

6: Butt Plug

Either partner can wear a butt plug during cowgirl sex. Use lots and lots of lube, and be sure to buy a plug with a wide base; never stick anything in anyone’s anus that could potentially get sucked all the way in. If you practice safe anal play, it will heighten the experience for both partners.

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How To Have Sex In The Missionary Position

WHAT IS THE MISSIONARY POSITION?

 

The missionary position is, “a sex position usually denoting the act in which a woman lies on her back and a man lies on top of her while they face each other and engage in sexual intercourse or other sexual activity.”

 

Line illustration of a man and a woman in the missionary position: She is laying on her back, and he is laying over her, with his torso and groin pressed against hers

 

WHEN SHOULD YOU USE THE MISSIONARY POSITION?

 

The missionary position is possibly the easiest position to have sex in. It’s emotionally intimate and easy to get into. It also offers are lot of options for spicing things up. It’s basically the default sex position. If you’re not sure which position to use, the missionary always a safe, reliable position. However, if it’s the only one you ever use, then eventually you’ll start to bore your partner.

 

VARIATIONS OF THE MISSIONARY POSITION

 

The dictionary definition of “missionary position” has the man lying face down on top of a woman who is lying on her back, but that position is easily modified to achieve a whole family of spin-off positions that should be explored. You can and should use several of these variations during a single sex session.

 

1: Face to face

Laying on top of a naked woman, face to face is a great way to start out a sex session. It’s intimate, and your penis can slide into her vagina at an easy angle. However, this position has two downsides. First, since your penis is sliding straight into her vagina you’re probably not going to hit her G-spot… unless you tilt her pelvis upwards by placing a cushion under her ass and consciously angling your thrusts upwards.

Regardless of where you’re aiming your penis, when you’re laying on top of a woman with your chest pressed to her you’re not going to be able to thrust as hard or fast as you could if you were in a kneeling position. You can still fuck a girl pretty hard in this position, and girls really enjoy it (physically and emotionally) when you wrap your big, strong arms around them and hold them firmly to your bosom while fucking them as hard and fast as you can. However, when your partner wants to be power-fucked, there are other variations of the missionary position that are more tailored to that goal.

 

2: Man kneeling

In the kneeling position you have more room to thrust, and you can draw on more muscles. Plus, you can grab your partner’s legs or waist and pull them towards you as you thrust. This isn’t the most intimate position, but it’s perfect for hard-hitting sex.  It also works well for medium-paced sex as well, especially because it uses your major muscle groups, which means it’s relatively easy to maintain your pace without wearing yourself out.

You have a pretty good chance of being able to hit the G-spot with your penis when lying flat on top of a woman if she has a cushion under her ass. But when you put a cushion under her ass and fuck her from the kneeling position, your penis will be angled perfectly to hit the G-spot with as much force as she can take and you can give. If you don’t have a cushion, you can lift her ass with your hands, which can be exhausting (depending on how strong you are and how heavy she is), but if you can cradle her lower torso in your hands you’ll have complete control to man-handle her and slam her body into your incoming power thrusts. Most women can’t have an orgasm from PIV sex without clitoral stimulation most of the time, but this is a good position to beat the odds in.

 

3: Knees to chest

When you’re in the kneeling missionary position, your partner’s legs are usually spread so her thighs are pressed against your hips. If she brings her knees to her chest so she’s laying on her back in the fetal position, then she can put her feet on your chest. You can lean against her feet and slide your cock into her fully exposed vagina. This isn’t the most relaxing position for either partner, but it’s worth doing for the benefits it offers.

This position angles the vagina slightly upward, which means when the penis enters horizontally it’s probably going to hit the roof of the vagina, which is where the G-spot is. And since her legs are completely out of your way, you press your pelvis against hers as far as possible, which means your penis will penetrate her as deeply as possible. This is great for men with short penises. And it’s a good go-to position whenever a girl wants a nice, deep dicking. You can fuck a girl pretty hard from this position, especially if you grab her ass or legs and pull her into your thrusts. However, the upward-tilted angle of her vagina makes it easy for your penis to slip out of, especially when you’re fucking wildly.

 

4: Ankles over shoulders

From the kneeling position, take hold of your partner’s ankles and rest them on your shoulders. This is one of the least intimate, least lady-like and most awkward-looking variations of the missionary position. If you’ve never had sex, this position could appear off-putting. I wouldn’t advise taking a girl’s virginity in this position, but it definitely has benefits that you and your partner should know about.

It’s easier to achieve the deepest thrusts when a girl’s feet are on your chest than when they’re over your shoulder, but it’s easier to thrust your hips and pull her legs towards you when her feet are over your shoulder. So what you lose in depth you can make up for in force.

You can have the best of both worlds though if you put your partner’s ankles over your shoulders and lean forward until you’re almost face to face with her.  This is called “the folding deck chair” position, and while it definitely looks unladylike, it’s very lady friendly. This position lets your penis penetrate her even deeper than having her feet on your chest. Plus, you can hold onto her torso, stretch out your legs and fuck her really hard. If you’re on a bouncy bed you can even bounce up and down and let gravity do half the work for you. If a girl ever tells you she wants you to fuck her until she breaks, this would be a good position to give it to her from.

 

5: Side twist

Kneel between your partner’s legs with her ankles on your shoulders. Then take both of her ankles and hold them together. Then lower both of her ankles to one of your hips. Then scoot forward and penetrate her while both her legs are hinged around one side of your body.  This position gives you decent room to maneuver, but the angle doesn’t allow you to really hit the G-spot or go as deep as other variations of the missionary position. Plus, it’s not very intimate. Use this position when you’re bored and want to do something different, but don’t do it very long, because it’ll likely get boring pretty quick, at least for your partner.

 

6: Her legs together

In all the variations of the missionary position discussed here, the man is between the woman’s legs. However, you can close her legs so that she’s laying like a plank. Then you mount her and lay down face to face with her. If your penis is long enough, you can slide your penis between her legs and into her vagina. You won’t be able to penetrate her very deeply, but the top of your shaft will slide over clit as you enter her… again and again. You won’t be able to fuck very hard in this position, but it has a good potential to give a girl an orgasm… if your bodies are compatible enough to pull off this position effectively.

 

 

 

HOW FAST SHOULD YOU THRUST?

 

The pros and cons of using different speeds are listed below:

 

1: Slow

Most sexual encounters should begin with slow thrusts for the woman’s comfort and safety. Sometimes it’s nice to have PIV sex slow from start to finish. It’s passionate, meaningful and respectful. A male virgin who was raised on Disney movies to believe all women are a-sexual porcelain princesses could develop the idea that women want slow, romantic sex most of the time. This would be incorrect. Sometimes women want their vagina caressed like delicate flowers, and sometimes they want to be fucked into the mattress so hard the bed breaks. Both of those techniques are at extreme ends of a spectrum. The ideal speed to use most of the time is probably somewhere in the middle, not the bottom.

 

2: Medium

After fucking a woman slowly for a few minutes her mind and body will be ready and hungry for harder, faster thrusts. Chances are, you will be too. Everybody gets what they want if you speed your thrusts up to a medium pace.

If you were raised in a culture where fast service and fast results are valued, you could develop the idea that faster is always better. This isn’t always the case with sex. Fast thrusts can be good. They can be great, but don’t underestimate the value of medium paced thrusts.

Women get to experience the full sensation of your penis when you thrust at a medium pace. When you thrust too fast they can lose sensation sometimes. Imagine getting a really, really fast hand job; all you’d feel is friction. Now imagine getting a hand job that started really fast, then stopped, then went slow, then fast, then slow, then fast, then stopped again. You’d be wishing your partner would just stick with a nice medium pace.

Hard fucking has its time and place, but if you’re not experienced, and you want to use the technique with the highest statistical probably of giving a girl an orgasm, then start by fucking her slow, spend most of your time fucking her at a medium pace, and speed up right at the end.

Just be aware that most women can’t orgasm from PIV sex alone. For the best statistical odds of giving a woman an orgasm during PIV sex, you need to stimulate her clit. Tips on that later.

There’s one last semi-selfish reason to have sex at a medium pace: it conserves your energy.  If you start out fucking a girl as fast and hard as possible, you might wear yourself out and have no choice but we wheeze and struggle through the final critical minutes of sex. That’ll negatively affect your ability to give your partner an orgasm. A good, medium pace feels rocking good for girls, and it’s manageable for guys. Take advantage of that.

 

3: Fast

It’s unfair to call medium-paced sex “vanilla sex.” It’s a good standard speed for good reasons, but any technique used too often will become boring. When you start out a sexual encounter going slow, then speed up to a medium pace and finish fast you cover all your bases. The question is, what percentage of the time should you go fast? A conservative range is the last 10-40% of a sexual encounter, but again, there’s a time and place for everything.

When a woman is close to orgasm (and especially while she’s orgasming), you can give her a more intense orgasm by speeding up your thrusts. But if you try to improve her orgasm with hard, fast strokes you could throw her off her rhythm or you could be wrong, and she actually needs a lot more stimulation. In that case, you might wear yourself out trying to maintain your pace or you might wear her out too early as well. If you have to slow down you will ruin her rhythm.

Fucking fast can be risky, but there’s a way to minimize your risk. If you can tell your partner is close to cumming or just hungry for you to take it up a notch, consider making your thrusts harder instead of faster. You’d be surprised how hard of a pounding a vagina can take and be euphoric for the girl. They feel it deep inside their vagina and all over the outside. It gives her more of what she wants and leaves the option open for you to go faster later.

 

4: Jackrabbit fast

As mentioned earlier, women usually don’t find it emotionally or physically pleasing when you lose control and fuck them like a jackrabbit. If you’re going to lose control then fuck them with reckless abandon, then fuck them like a raging gladiator, not a delirious Pomeranian.

 

5: Press and hold

Put your penis all the way into her vagina and hold it for a few seconds and gyrate your hips. This will help her vagina acclimate to your penis even more, and it feels intimate. This is the best speed to start most sex sessions because it lets the woman’s vagina acclimate to your size. Once she’s comfortable, you can go slow. Keep escalating your speed as she acclimates to each stage. Avoid the temptation to constantly stop what you’re doing and press-and-hold again. Once she’s revved up, stopping suddenly kills her momentum towards having an orgasm.

There’s a modality of sex called tantric sex, where you leave your penis held in the vagina the entire sex session. You should try it, but talk with your partner first and plan it.

 

6: Irregular

Sometimes it’s fun to spice up a sexual encounter by constantly changing up the speed of your thrusts, but that technique is a novelty, not standard practice, because, again, frequently changing paces is more likely to throw off your partner’s rhythm than build her up. Having said that, it can be beneficial to change your pace up a little during the first few minutes of sex following the initial penetration. During that “meet and greet” stage, spicing things up can help stoke your partner’s passion, loosen her vagina and communicate you’re your passion for her. Once she’s really wet or looking at you hungrily, abandon the novelty technique and get down to business.

Having said that, it can be effective to thrust slowly for a little bit and then go fast. Then go slow for a little bit. Then go fast. When done fluidly, the contrast between sensations can heighten the experience for women.

 

WHERE DO YOU THRUST?

 

1: Aim for the G-spot

The G-spot is located on the roof of the vagina just past the opening. When you’re in the missionary position, you can stick the tip of your penis into the vagina, and as you slide your penis in, push up with your knees or feet so that the top of your shaft presses against the roof of the vagina. This could hit the G-spot, but not necessarily. If you want to know if your technique is working for sure, ask your partner.

You can increase your odds of hitting the G-spot in the missionary position by lifting your partner’s ass up using your hands or a cushion. When you thrust inside of her, don’t aim your shaft so that it goes straight into her. Aim the tip of your penis head to hit the roof of her vagina just past the opening. You’ll likely find it easiest to do this when you’re kneeling and your posture is upright, as opposed to laying your chest flat against hers. You can use this technique at any stage of sex. Just be sure to do it slowly if you do it at the beginning of a sexual encounter, and do it faster if you’re doing it closer to climax.

 

2: Aim for the clit

The clit is a mole-sized bump located on the outside of a woman’s body a few centimeters above the opening of her vagina. You can’t hit that with your penis when you’re fucking a woman in any position since your penis is inside her, and her clit is on the external surface of her body. However, if you slide your penis all the way into your partner’s vagina you can sometimes rub the clit with the skin where the shaft of your cock meets your abdomen.

Different body types have different levels of compatibility. Ask your partner if this technique works for her. If it doesn’t, move on. This technique has the best chance of working if both partners have shaved their pubic hair and lubricated their smooth skin, but shaving your pubes to the skin usually causes razor bumps (which aren’t sexy), and your pubes might be spikey for the next few days after shaving, and no girl wants spikes jabbing into their sensitive skin.

You can also improve your chances of stimulating the clit by wearing a vibrating cock ring with a clitoral stimulator. Whether or not you use a vibrating cock ring, your pelvis will have to be pressed against her clit for a long time to give her an orgasm. This means you can’t pull your penis out of her vagina far enough to fuck her hard. So this technique is best suited to warm a girl up during the slow stage of sex or finishing her off after a hard fucking.

 

3: Straight forward

There are novel ways to stimulate a woman’s vagina, and they’re all worth exploring, but sometimes a girl likes a good old fashioned fuck. You don’t have to worry about boring women with straight forward thrusts, and if your goal is to fuck her hard and fast, you’re going to have to use a simple thrust anyway. When you use this technique, play to its strengths.

 

4: Stirring

The vagina is a biological sex organ that responds to physical and emotional stimuli. The more you stimulate it the closer it will bring a woman to orgasm. Pumping your penis into her like the head of an oil drill is a good way to hit her deep, hard and fast, but it can feel impersonal and miss a lot of sexual nerve endings inside and outside the vagina.

You can hit more nerve endings and add another level of interaction and intimacy to the missionary position by gyrating your hips like dancing like Elvis or using a hula hoop. This changes the trajectory of your penis throughout the course of a single thrust so your penis hits the vagina walls from different angles. There’s not an exact science to gyrating your hips during sex. Just make sure they’re fluid and you should be fine. This technique takes a lot of muscles and is difficult to do with a lot of force or for a long time. You can finish a girl off with this technique, but it’s best suited during the slow-to-medium paced stages of sex when you’re warming your partner’s vagina up.

 

5: All the way in, all the way out

Sticking your penis all the way into the vagina and all the way out is pleasurable for men and women, and it can be used effectively during any stage of sex. However, it always comes with the risk of drying out your partner’s vagina. So if this is the first technique you use after initially penetrating a woman’s vagina (when she’s not very loose or wet) you could dry her out and stretch her too abruptly. If you use this during wild, pounding sex you might dry her out while ramming your shaft through her with a lot of force. That’s a recipe for disaster. By all means, use this technique when you and your partner want to experience full-bodied strokes. Just don’t do it for very long… unless she’s a gusher or you’re using reliable lube.

 

 

 

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How To Have Sex In the Doggy Style Position

WHAT IS THE DOGGY STYLE POSITION?

 

The “doggy style” position is, “any sex position in which a person bends over, crouches on all fours (usually on hands and knees), or lies on their stomach, for sexual intercourse.”

 

Line-drawing of a man and woman in the doggy style position: The woman is on her hands and knees, and the man is standing behind her, with his ground against her butt

 

WHEN SHOULD YOU USE THE DOGGY STYLE POSITION?

 

This position is best suited for fast, hard, wild, carefree sex. The penis enters the vagina at an angle that’s comfortable for the woman, and it gives the man a lot of room to thrust, which makes it ideal for fast, hard, wild, carefree sex.

If you begin a sex session with fast, hard sex, you’re likely to hurt your partner, because vaginas need time and stimulation to get wet and loose. It’s best to start in an intimate position like the missionary position and switch to doggy style later.

 

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO BEFORE PENETRATION?

 

Even though the doggy style position can look pretty carnal, you can set a sweet, tantalizing tone using techniques like these:

  • Tell her how beautiful she is, what she means to you and how much she turns you on.
  • Lightly kiss and caress your partner’s erogenous zones such as her pussy, nipples, inner thighs, neck, ass and back.
  • Kneel behind her and pull her torso tight against yours. Then squeeze and caress her body while nibbling her ears and neck and whispering compliments in her ear. Slide your hand down her abdomen and stimulate her clitoris with your finger or a vibrator while slowly pumping your cock inside her.
  • Kneel behind her, then lean her forward, and lean your chest down over her back. Then graze her pussy with your dick while you play with her tits, bite her shoulders and pull her hair.

If you want to set a more BDSM tone, you can use techniques like these:

  • Lightly spank her and/or whip her.
  • Kneel behind her, and pull her hair by grabbing a large tuft as close to the roots as possible (that will make it hurt less). Then grind your crotch into her ass and tell her erotic things about how she deserves to be treated and how you’re going to treat her during sex. If this sounds confusing, have a conversation with your partner over dinner and ask what kind of things they may like to hear during both romantic and submissive sex.
  • Use smooth but forceful and aggressive body movements. Push her body down and pull her into you wildly. Hold onto her hips or shoulders. Squeeze her nipples. Flip her around into other positions and then bring her back to doggy style.
  • Kneel in front of her and lightly face-fuck her.

 

TYPES OF DOGGY STYLE POSITIONS

 

1: Traditional

The basic doggy style position has the girl on her hands and knees. If you start out in this position, don’t be surprised if the girl lays her torso down instead of holding herself up on her arms. Lying halfway down like this is simply more comfortable and doesn’t affect what you’re doing behind her. Whether she’s on her hands or chest, this position works great for pounding sex.

 

2: Froggy Style

Instead of kneeling behind your girl, thrusting your cock straight into her, you can push yourself up into a half-kneeling, half-standing position and lean forward over her back. From this position, your penis will be angled downward. So when you thrust into your partner, your penis could hit her G-spot. This can be very pleasurable for women, but it’s very strenuous on the man’s leg muscles. If you can’t hold this position for long, consider saving it until the last few minutes of sex.

 

3: Woman leaned back

When you’re kneeling behind your woman, and she is on all fours, pull her torso towards your chest so you’re both kneeling. Then slide your penis inside of her vagina. You won’t be able to get your penis in as deep as in the traditional doggy style position. However, if you aim your thrusts low you may be able to hit the G-spot. That could pay off well, but this position is a little awkward for both people to hold, especially the woman who has to hold herself upright while you pound into her from behind/below. This is an intimate way to embrace a woman. So do it enough to show her you care and then let her lay back down where she can relax and focus her mind on the pleasure you’re giving her.

 

4: Standing

Instead of having the woman down on all fours, have her stand up and either lean against the wall or over a desk, couch or counter. This way you can draw on the full power of your legs to fuck your partner as hard as physically possible.

Fucking a girl against the wall is great for impromptu, carefree sex. However, the idea is usually more erotic than the reality. Women tend to want to lean over when being fucked from behind. If they lean too low against the wall and you’re pounding them with all the force your legs can muster, you’re likely to ram their head into the wall. They’ll be more comfortable if you lean them over the back of a couch. That will also have cushions to pad their abdomen. If you lean a girl over a table and ram into them full force, you could bruise their abdomen against the table… unless you put a cushion there.

 

5: Girl on her stomach

Have a girl lay on her stomach with her legs together. Then lie on top of her and enter her vagina from behind. If you want to be intimate, lay your chest flat on her back when your penis is inside her. If you want to give harder thrusts, then kneel over her ass and enter her vagina. Either way, be careful not to enter her anus… unless she’s into that.

If you put a pillow under her hips and lay your chest on her back, then when you thrust downward your penis could hit her G-spot same as in the froggy style. However, where froggy style is the most exhausting variation of doggy style, this is the least physically demanding. If your partner has a cushy butt, this position will feel even better for you. This position feels great for slow, medium or fast sex. It’s also great for irregular speed and hip-swiveling thrusts. You can really get playful in this position. Wrap your arms around your girl, pin her, whisper in her ears, bite her neck and pull her hair. You could even give a girl an erotic back massage while penetrating her. One downside to this position is that you can’t drive your penis as hard or deep as you could in tradition doggy style. Another problem is that it limits how well you can use toys to stimulate the clit. For those reasons, this position is best suited for the beginning or middle of a sexual session, not the grand finale.

 

HOW DO YOU THRUST?

 

Listed below are the pros and cons of each angle.

1: Straight forward

You don’t have to get artistic with your thrusts in the doggy style position. It’s perfectly okay to just pump your hips straight forward. If you want to use a more advanced technique, just pound straight forward harder. You’d be amazed how much women enjoy a good, hard straight forward pounding in the doggy style position. If you want to fixate on your technique, then fixate on your breathing technique so you can hammer away on your partner’s yearning pussy longer.

 

2: Pressing low

You may have to sacrifice some speed and force to do this, but if you thrust in a way that the base of your cock presses against the vaginal canal you can stimulate the G-spot. Combining G-spot stimulation and deep, hard, fast penetration is a recipe for great sex. If the girl stimulates her own clitoris using her fingers or a toy while you fuck her this way, she’ll have a very good chance of having an orgasm.

 

3: Stirring

You can swivel your hips a little to angle your penis to hit the sides of the vaginal canal. However, this doesn’t work as well in the doggy style position as it does in the missionary position. You can do a little of this to be playful at first, but it’ll get boring quickly. As a general rule, don’t try to get too creative in this position. It’s just not suited for it.

 

WHAT SPEED SHOULD YOU THRUST?

 

Listed below are the pros and cons of each thrusting speed.

1: Slow

You should always begin PIV sex slowly to allow your partner’s vagina time to lubricate and expand. While doggy style isn’t a very intimate position to start a sex session in, it does create a perfect angle for the penis to enter the vagina comfortably. So it can be a good position to begin with if tightness is a problem.

However, slow doggy style sex tends to get boring quickly since there’s so little interaction between the two people. So if you’re going to have slow doggy style sex, make up for the lack of intimacy by telling your partner sexy things and by groping them as much as you can.

Another way to make slow doggy style more exciting is by thrusting harder (assuming the vagina is already loose enough for hard penetration). Using slow, hard thrusts in conjunction with pulling a woman’s hair and telling her how hard she deserves/needs/will be fucked will make a woman feel safe, overpowered and eager for more all at the same time.

 

2: Medium

You can rarely go wrong with a good medium pace in any position. It feels good. It lasts longer than fast sex, and it builds stronger orgasms. Once you get a rhythmic, medium pace going for a while you’ll eventually want to take it up a notch. Instead of taking it up a notch by thrusting faster, try staying at a medium pace while thrusting harder. This gives your partner’s vagina more stimulation without numbing it from rapid friction.

 

3: Fast

Doggy style can be fun at any pace, but the position lends itself best to hard, fast sex for obvious reasons. As mentioned earlier, the vagina is angled perfectly to be penetrated by the penis, which means the penis can enter the vagina comfortably for the woman. It also means that the penis can penetrate the vagina as deeply as possible. At the same time, you can thrust into her as hard and fast as your body is capable while also holding onto her hips and pulling her into you as hard as you can. The physical intensity of fast, hard doggy style sex accentuates the erotic nature of the woman’s exposed, trusting position. Those two factors combined add up to great sex. And on those occasions when a girl doesn’t care about the context of sex and just wants to get fucked until she can’t remember her burdens, this position will allow you to give her that experience.

 

WHAT KIND OF SEX TOYS CAN YOU USE IN THE DOGGY STYLE POSITION?

 

1: Restraints

The doggy style position already puts the woman in an exposed position. The erotic nature of offering her body to you can be accentuated by tying her hands together or to something in front of her (like the headboard). You can also tie her feet together, but unless you’re getting really kinky, don’t tie her hands to her feet or she won’t be able to move at all. You can also put a blindfold or mouth gag on her.

Restraining a woman when she’s already exposed and helpless increases the trust she places in her partner, which increases the intimacy and meaning of the experience. And on the occasions when she wants to be fucked without regard for social etiquette, the restraints add an extra layer of delicious naughtiness.

 

2: Buttplug

If your woman wants to experiment with anal play for the first time, you should have PIV sex in the doggy style position while inserting a butt plug in her ass. This way she can experience a pleasurable deep vaginal fucking while experiencing anal penetration for the first time. She doesn’t have to see, touch or help put the butt plug in. So even though she’s already consented to it happening, it’s out of sight and out of mind until it happens. Anal beads work well also.

 

3: Clitoral stimulator

Most women can’t have an orgasm by PIV sex alone. They need clitoral stimulation. The three things that stimulate the clitoris best are tongues, fingers, and mechanical clitoral stimulators. Anytime you can use one of these to stimulate the clit during PIV sex you’re setting the stage for a female orgasm.

It would be impractical for the man to reach around his partner during doggy style sex to stimulate her clitoris with his fingers or a toy. The exception is when the woman is leaning back, but that’s an awkward position to hold for a long time, and you won’t be able to thrust very hard since you’ll have to control what your hand is doing in front of/below your partner. However, the woman can use one hand (if she’s on all fours) or both hands (if her torso is lying flat on the bed) to stimulate her own clitoris. If she’s willing to do this she can have mind-blowing clitoral stimulation and deep, fast pounding PIV sex at the same time. If she’s using a butt plug as well, she stands to have an orgasm that could take days to recover from.

 

WHEN SHOULD YOU SPANK A GIRL’S BUTT?

 

Inevitably, you’ll be tempted to spank a woman’s upturned, bare ass before or during sex. Here’s what you need to know about that. Most girls enjoy a little spanking as long as it’s in the right context. The physical act of spanking is exciting and pleasurable, but the most erotic aspect of spanking is the trust exercise between the giver and the receiver. The idea is that the receiver can trust you to administer small doses of pain without causing too much pain or disregard for their feelings. You create that context by kindly caressing her ass, and showing her you care about her. Then spank her lightly, caress, spank, caress, repeat. Give her a few spanks, and if she responds well, spank her a little more. If she doesn’t seem to be getting much out of it, move on. Always finish a spanking session with kind caressing, and the more pain you inflict on your partner, the more aftercare you should give her.

You may be apprehensive about spanking a woman. You might be worried she’s not that kinky, and you’re not cool enough to administer a spanking without looking corny. The only time that’s likely to happen is if you’re you start a sex session in the doggy style position with a nervous woman you’ve never slept with before, and you spank her weakly and awkwardly. The safest time to administer a spanking is after you’re halfway through a sex session, and you’re both really hot, excited and losing control. Once a woman is already into having her body rocked, then one or two confident smacks in the ass can accentuate the submissive nature of the doggy style position. It will stimulate her body and communicate to her that she’s being fucked by a wild, confident man who she can trust to the point of allowing him to administer light amounts of pain to her safely. That’s sexy.

 

 

SHOULD YOU GO DOWN ON A GIRL IN THE DOGGY STYLE POSITION?

 

Most women find it difficult to have an orgasm while kneeling on all-fours because they’re too distracted by the chore of balancing on all fours to focus on their orgasm. It’s not impossible, but it’s much, much easier for them to have an orgasm while they’re laying on their back relaxing. A little cunnilingus always feels good, but don’t linger at in in the doggy style position. Stimulate her and move on to the pounding she’s waiting for.

 

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How To Be Bad At Sex: 17 Common Misconceptions and Mistakes To Avoid

1: Contribute very little during sex.

Good sex isn’t something one person does to another. When one person does all the work, they’re just using the other person’s body as a masturbation device. That can be fun sometimes, but it becomes unfulfilling very quickly. Good sex is like tango. It’s a dance between two people who read each other’s body language and work in tandem to express and explore a shared emotional experience.

Good lovers use everything they’ve got to engage their partner fully. Bad lovers don’t instigate sex, and when they allow sex to happen, they lay there like a sack of potatoes and grunt like a lazy cat when their partner tries to instigate a new position. Nobody wants to have sex with a groaning sack of cat potatoes.

 

Picture of a burlap sack full of potatoes that all have meowing cat faces

 

2: Contribute very little outside of sex.

Bad lovers think of sex as beginning when an orifice is penetrated. Good lovers think of sex as everything that happens after clothes start coming off. Great lovers think of sex as the total sum of their relationship with their partner.

Every interaction you have with your partner at any point in time is a chance for you to give or deny them pleasure. Every compliment, every gift, every touch, every look is just as important as what happens during physical sex. If you can give your partner an orgasm every time you have sex, but you withhold affection the rest of the time, that makes you bad at sex.

 

3: Always be in control.

There’s a lot to be said for taking charge and knowing what you’re doing. Your sexual skills may be world class, and your partner may love to be dominated, but there’s something valuable lost in perpetual one-sided sex. You don’t get to experience the fullness of the other person, and they don’t get to experience giving their self to you. Again, you may both agree that you’re good at what you do, but in the bigger picture, you’re only half good at what you do.

 

4: Withhold sex.

I said earlier, what you do outside the bedroom to pleasure your partner is just as important as what happens inside the bedroom. Well, what happens in the bedroom is important. Making love to your lover is the most intimate way you can express your love to them. By cutting off sex, you’re cutting off love.

You may have a perfectly good excuse for not wanting to have sex. You may have had a traumatic experience in your past, or a lifetime of not being loved has left you hollow, but if the obstacle is mental, and you claim to love your partner, then go see a therapist. If you can’t express your love through sex then express your love through getting help and mending the scars that are keeping you apart.

If you have a medical issue that prevents you from having sex with your partner, get as close to sex as you can without putting yourself at risk of danger. As long as the shared emotional experience is there, you’ve succeeded at sex.

But people who simply withhold sex because they have an agenda are terrible at sex, love and domestic partnership.

 

5: Don’t create ambiance.

Sex is more than just the penetration of an orifice. Sex is a total mind/body experience. Every touch, every word, every intention, every detail is part of the experience… including the physical environment.

A bad lover leaves dirty clothes lying all over the room and never changes the sheets. A good lover keeps the house clean, lights scented candles and wears nice underwear. A great lover takes their partner to a bed and breakfast in the mountains with a private outdoor hot tub, two bottles of champagne and a basket of strawberries.

 

6: Don’t get your partner in the mood

Men typically don’t take much inspiration to get in the mood to have sex, but women’s bodies need to be primed to crave more stimulation. Quickies are great every once in a while, but the less often you put in the effort to get her in the mood, the more rushed and obligatory sex with you will feel.

 

 

7: Don’t pay attention to your partner.

In order to please your partner sexually, you need to find out what they want and then give it to them. That sounds simple enough, but every single human has different sexual preferences and needs. Each individual has different wants and needs at different times. They even change over the course of a single sexual session, and no two sessions are exactly the same. So if you want to pleasure your partner, it’s imperative that you pay attention to them. Watch them until you can predict what they want before they even want it. Then fuck them like you can read their mind. Then you’ll be a great lover.

 

8: Don’t communicate during sex.

You don’t have to be able to read your partner’s mind to know what they want. You can just ask them right there in the moment during sex. It doesn’t have to be awkward. You can ask in a sexy tone of voice, and even if your execution isn’t perfect, nobody is going to resent you for asking what they want and then giving it to them.

Likewise, you don’t have to wait for your partner to ask you what you want. If you want something, you can just open your mouth and say it. Your partner is already trying to please you. The easier you make their job, the happier they’ll be. You’d be surprised what you can get if you just ask.

There’s more to talk about during sex than just instructions and directions. See, everybody is born lost and lonely. We’re all just trying to make the most out of the brief time we have in this cold, savage world. Everybody yearns to be loved, wanted, appreciated, comforted, valued, and maybe even worshiped a little. We all want to know we matter, and sex gives us that positive feedback we so rarely get from the outside world. Sex without words is music without a song. You don’t have to spout poetry though. Just speak from the heart, and simply tell your partner a few of the wonderful compliments they’ve been waiting since childhood to hear.

Words are just one way to communicate. You can also use moans, shouts, groans and body language. Use your eyes, lips, hips, and fingertips to communicate your passion for your partner. When they do something right, let them know by moaning and writhing. Then you won’t have to have as many instructional conversations during sex.

 

9: Don’t communicate about sex outside of sex.

Your partner will appreciate you asking for their input during sex, but nobody wants to play “20 questions” every time they have sex. You can speed up the process of learning your partner’s likes and dislikes by asking them at the dinner table for example. Pro Tip: It may help to get a bottle of wine in them to loosen their tongue before asking them to confess their naughty fantasies. Even without alcohol, you can learn things about your partner you would never have guessed in a thousand years simply by asking them. Then, you can come to bed prepared to rock your partner’s world.

It’s like the old saying goes, “Proper preparation prevents poor performance.”

 

10: Be impatient and judgemental.

Sex is a celebration of two people’s lives. It’s a distilled embodiment of everything good in reality. You’ll never give or receive the best sex possible if you measure the value of another human being by what they can do for you because what you’re doing isn’t even sex. You’re just feeding on a host.

Even without getting philosophical about what “real sex” is, you’re going to degrade the quality of sex by being impatient and judgmental simply because you’re going to frustrate, embarrass, and discourage your partner with your negativity. That’s going to put them in a bad place mentally, which will degrade the quality of their sexual performance. If you had just not been whiny, and taken the time to compliment and coax them and build them up instead of tearing them down, they would have pounced on you like a berserk sex lion and shook you all night long like AC/DC instead of stuttering through the rest of your sex session like Charlie Brown.

 

11: Don’t do foreplay.

Sometimes you don’t have time for foreplay. Sometimes you and your partner are just so horny you can’t wait another minute for penetration. Rushed sex has its time and place. However, if you almost never engage in foreplay before sex, you’re not making the most out of sex for several reasons.

First, it generally takes a woman at least 10 minutes of erotic stimulation for her vagina to moisten, relax and stretch enough to be prepared for comfortable, rewarding penetrative sex. Let that sink in, men. 10 minutes is the bare minimum. If you rarely spend more than 10 minutes on foreplay, you’re rarely a good lover.

Another reason to spend more time on foreplay is because the longer both men and women are sexually stimulated, the more intense their orgasms will be. And foreplay feels really good physically. There’s no sense in passing that up. But more importantly, foreplay is an emotionally bonding experience. Skipping foreplay isn’t skipping a chore. It’s skipping an opportunity to experience the fullness of each other’s being.

 

 

12: Don’t do oral.

If you think oral sex is nasty, you’re naïve and selfish. You’re also a hypocrite if you think that statement is judgmental. You’re the one who judged your lover’s body to be so vile and worthless that you refuse to kiss it.

Your partner’s body isn’t nasty. Your partner is a miracle inside and out. Only a very small handful of people in all of eternity will ever get to know them intimately or see them naked. Of all the people in the world they could choose to expose themselves completely to, they chose you… and you returned the honor by recoiling in disgust!?

Your partner deserves someone they can celebrate their body with fully and freely. The tragic irony is, by choosing not to fully experience your partner, you’re missing out on all the incredible joys that come from giving and receiving oral sex (of which, physical pleasure is only one of).

 

13: Don’t do anal.

Being hesitant to do anal doesn’t make you a prude. There are legitimate concerns when it comes to anal sex, but allow me to illustrate the bigger picture through the use of a metaphor:

Two couples go to a carnival together. They approach a giant Ferris wheel. One couple wants to ride it, but the other couple is scared of falling off and doesn’t think the seats would be comfortable. The first couple goes on the ride and has the time of their life. After the ride is over they tell their friends how great the experience was. The friends brush them off saying, “If you liked it, that’s fine. It’s just not for us. We don’t have any interest in doing that sort of thing. We’re just not that kind of people.” The first couple drops the issue and respects their friend’s right to not be interested in having fun because they’re just not adventurous people.

I’m not saying you’re a bad person if you won’t take a dick in the ass. But if you won’t even consider a finger during oral or a butt plug during sex, you’re almost going out of your way not to have fun.

 

14: Don’t use sex toys.

The same metaphor I used for anal applies to using toys. However, anal sex involves feces and can be painful when done incorrectly. Most sex toys are no more dangerous or spiritually unnatural than a coffee mug.

Men need to understand that no woman is ever going to leave a man for a vibrator that’s bigger than his penis. No toy is ever going to replace a flesh and blood human who can hold, love, care for and impress a woman. Toys aren’t a threat. They’re an opportunity to achieve better orgasms with less physical effort. No woman is going to roll over after a sex session using toys and say, “The toy was better than you.” They’re going to roll over and say, “What we just did together was great.”

I’m just saying, work smarter not harder. And, the fewer ways you make your lover orgasm, the less you’ve done for your lover.

 

 

15: Be unhealthy.

Sex with an Olympic athlete is going to be better than sex with an Ebola patient. I say that without disrespect or judgment towards the Ebola patient. This is a stoic fact. Sex is literally calisthenics. The better shape your body is in, the better you can do calisthenics.

We can’t all be Olympic athletes, but what we can do, we should, and let’s be honest, are you really doing everything you can to be in as good of shape for your partner as possible? If not, you’re not doing everything you can to be the best lover you can be.

 

16: Don’t practice safe sex.

It doesn’t matter how good you are at sex if, after each session, you put a bullet in a revolver, spin the chamber, point the barrel at your partner’s head and pull the trigger. Nothing will alter the course of a person’s life quicker and more totally than an STD or an unplanned pregnancy. Putting someone at risk for either of those fates is the most disrespectful thing you can do to them. If you don’t practice safe sex, you automatically lose your good lover card.

 

17: Always do the same thing.

If you only ever have sex in the missionary position in the same place at the same time at the same speed every time you have sex, you are most definitely not fulfilling your potential. Even if you and your partner have been together long enough to know exactly what the other person likes best, if you only have sex in your favorite positions, they’ll eventually become as boring as your favorite pop song that got overplayed on the radio. Even the sweetest, most sensual, romantic, loving sex will get old and stale if it’s the only kind of sex you ever have.

Don’t be afraid of having sex in positions that aren’t you’re favorite. Have sex in different positions, locations, times, durations, speeds, and tones. You can always revert back to the old faithful techniques to get you off at the end of a sex session. In the meantime, taste all the flavors of the rainbow. People who have experienced 100 different pleasures will probably die happier than people who have experienced 5 pleasures. And couples who have had sex in 100 different situations, have experienced their partner 100 different ways. Couples who have only had sex 5 different ways… haven’t experienced much of each other.

Variety is the spice of life. Good lovers are spicy. Bad lovers are vanilla.

 

 

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How To Have Anal Sex: A Beginner’s Guide

Anal sex or anal intercourse is generally the insertion and thrusting of the erect penis into a person’s anus, or anus and rectum, for sexual pleasure. Other forms of anal sex include fingering, the use of sex toys for anal penetration, oral sex performed on the anus (anilingus), and pegging. Although the term anal sex most commonly means penile-anal penetration, sources sometimes use the term anal intercourse to refer exclusively to penile-anal penetration, and anal sex to refer to any form of anal sexual activity, especially between pairings as opposed to anal masturbation.”

Note: Since anal sex is gender-neutral, this blog will refer to the person doing the penetration as “The Top,” and the person being penetrated will be referred to as “The Bottom.”

 

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO TO PREPARE FOR ANAL SEX?

 

 

Step 1: Communicate.

The first step towards having virgin anal sex with your partner is to talk to them about it. Never pressure anyone into doing anything they don’t want to. Just express your interest, and explain the benefits and the process. Create a plan and agree on your boundaries. The better they understand what they’re getting into, the fewer misconceptions they’ll have holding them back.

 

Step 2: Acclimate The Bottom’s mind and body.

If you don’t loosen the anus before penetration then you run a high risk of tearing the tissue. So you’ll want to loosen it with some light stretching before you penetrate it with your penis or strap-on. It’s a good idea to begin the process a few days before you do the real deed. Not only will this prepare the tissue for preparation, but it also acclimates your partner’s mind. It’s a natural reflex for the body to tense up when the anus is penetrated, and if you try to force your way through you increase your risk of tearing tissue. If The Bottom is already used to being penetrated, they’ll be more relaxed and more able to safely and enjoyably receive deeper penetration.

You’ll definitely want to loosen the anus immediately before penetration every time. You can use a finger for this, but if either of you has anxieties about poop, this could be a turn-off. You could wear a medical glove to keep from getting your fingers dirty, but some people may find still find that awkward. Also, many people have latex allergies. So you may want to use a non-latex glove just to be safe.

Your other option is to use a sex toy. There are a dizzying number of sex toys on the market. The most important thing you need to remember when picking an anal sex toy is that the anus tends to pucker when penetrated, which can suck toys into the anus resulting in an embarrassing trip to the E.R. to have it removed.

There are anal pros who will tell you that you can safely use vibrators and dildos for anal play, but most X-Ray technicians would advise you to only use toys that are designed not to get lost. The safest, simplest toy is a butt plug with a wide base. An added bonus to using a butt plug is that you can insert it and leave it there while you make out or have oral or PIV sex prior to anal penetration. Both partners can also wear a butt plug so that The Bottom doesn’t feel like the experience is one-sided. Not only is that a fair compromise, but it’s actually a great opportunity for both people because hey, anal penetration is fun.

Wearing a butt plug can give a man a higher-level orgasm, but he can get an even higher-level orgasm by having a vibrating prostate stimulator inserted in his anus. Again, make sure you use one with a wide base. If you give a man a blowjob while probing his anus with a vibrating prostate stimulator, he’ll have a mind-blowing orgasm, and it’ll be a great bonding/equalizing experience for both of you.

Whatever you stick into an anus, it’s absolutely vital to lubricate both the object and the anus first. You’ll want to use 5-10 times the amount of lube as you would use to lubricate a vagina. When in doubt, err on the side of caution. Nothing bad is going to happen from using too much lube, but you can easily create a worst-case scenario by using too little.

When lubricating the anus, the thing to remember is that, unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t produce its own internal lubricant. So if you apply a generous amount of lube to the opening and the object, then stick it in, the object will slide in easily for an inch or so, but the lube will quickly rub off on the sides of the anal cavity, and then the dry object will hit dry tissue and tear it. So you want to lube the hole and the object, penetrate the anus a little bit. Then re-lube the opening and the object and penetrate it again. Then do that again. Keep in constant communication with your partner to determine how many times you have to repeat the process, and be prepared to re-apply even more lube at any time during anal play.

Not everyone wears a condom for anal sex, but until you’re in a long-term monogamous relationship with someone, you should, because it prevents the risk of STDs and UTIs. It defeats the purpose of having fun if it’s going to make you sick.

If you’re worried about poop, you can take a laxative or get an enema earlier in the day to clean out your colon prior to having your anus penetrated. Beware though, if you take laxatives or receive enemas too often, your body will become dependent on them, and then your life is going get a lot harder. The simplest thing you can do to keep your colon clean, is to eat plenty of fiber like Shredded Wheat. Just don’t eat too much fiber or you’ll get constipated.

 

Step 3: Lube up the anus.

There are tons of options available for anal lube. If you’re looking for the best anal lube for you and your partner, check review sites like Lubricant Reviews to see all of the options available. A good anal lube will usually be thicker than your standard lube and some of these products include a desensitizing agent that help numb the sphincter. Because of this numbing agent, you MUST be careful how fast you proceed in case your partner is not fully aware of any issues with unintentional tearing.

 

ANAL SEX POSITIONS

 

There’s no one right or best position for anal sex. They all have their pros and cons. The question is which position you and your partner most comfortable with and what mood you’re trying to set. Here’s a list of the pros/cons of the basic positions to help you figure out what’s best for you and your partner:

 

1: Normal doggy style

Of all the sex positions, doggy style is the most synonymous with anal sex for one good reason: It angles the anus perfectly to slide an object in comfortably (though other positions can be just as comfortable). It also allows The Bottom to play with their genitals while being pleasured from behind.

The downside of doggy style is that it’s the least intimate position. So if you’re doing anal for the first time, you might want to start in the doggy style position for a few minutes and then switch to a different position in which there’s no chance of The Bottom feeling like they’re being used as an impersonal fuck toy. Having said that, you should revisit the doggy style position when you’re both ready for hard, wild, uninhibited anal sex,

 

2: Laying on the stomach

Have The Bottom lay flat on their stomach (possibly with a pillow under their hips), and have The Top mount them. This is more relaxing for The Bottom than doggy style, it provides a good angle for penetration, and it allows The Top to hug and kiss The Bottom thus making anal sex a more intimate full body experience. The only problem is it’s difficult for The Bottom to pleasure themselves.

 

3: Spooning

Spooning gives you just as good of an angle for penetration as the previous two positions, and it allows for more intimacy. Plus, it gives The Bottom plenty of room to pleasure themselves with their hands or toys. The Top can even reach around and pleasure The Bottom’s genitals. This way, The Bottom isn’t just someone that anal sex is happening to, they’re the center of attention, and they have a good chance of having an orgasm (as long as their genitals are being stimulated while their anus is being penetrated).

 

4: Missionary

The missionary position is arguably the most intimate sexual position. It gives both partners the most room to kiss and use all their body parts to express their passion. If you put a pillow under The Bottom’s hips, they can be comfortably penetrated.  The Bottom has the freedom to relax on their back completely or take control of the speed and force of the thrusts. Both partners also have room to pleasure The Bottom’s genitals with their hands or toys. If your goal is to make your first anal sex session as romantic as possible, you may want to use the missionary position.

 

5: Cowgirl

The cowgirl position gives The Bottom more control over the speed and force of thrusts than any other position. So if you’re nervous about anal being too intense and damaging your bodily tissue, this might be a good position to start in. If The Top lays flat on their back, they may not get the intimacy they’re looking for. But if The Top sits on a chair or couch and has The Bottom straddle them while they’re sitting upright, then both partners can experience lots of intimacy, and if The Bottom is a female, she can rub her clit against The Top’s abdomen and possibly get an orgasm. If your main concern is that anal sex is as physically pleasurable for both partners, you might want to use this position.

 

6: Reverse Cowgirl

Everything I just said about the cowgirl position applies to the reverse cowgirl position. The two biggest differences are that if The Bottom is a female, she can’t rub her clit against The Top’s abdomen. However, if The Top is sitting upright, he/she can easily reach around and pleasure The Bottom’s genitals using hands or toys. So more than any other position, this gives a female Bottom the most potential to be the center of attention.

 

ANAL SEX SPEEDS

 

If you or your partner are nervous about anal sex, talk with each other about what speed/s you’re going to use ahead of time. The more everyone understands what they’re getting into, the less reason anyone will have to be anxious.

 

1: Slow

You definitely want to start out an anal sex session very slowly to give The Bottom’s mind and body time to acclimate. If it’s their first time, you might not even want to ever build up to medium or fast speeds. There’s nothing wrong with penetrating The Bottom and then holding your penis or strapon inside them without ever thrusting at all. This way you can use all your time together to focus on pleasuring The Bottom’s genitals while they’re statically/passively penetrated from behind. This will give them a safe, pleasurable, intimate experience that could wet their appetite for more vigorous anal play later on instead of shocking them and scaring them away from experimenting with anal in the future. Another option is to statically/passively penetrate them for a few minutes and then work your way up to slow, fluid pumps and stick with that pace for the rest of the session. This can make for a nice, soothing introduction to anal sex.

 

2: Medium

You always want to start an anal sex session with slow thrusts for the safety of The Bottom. However, if you only ever have slow anal sex, both partners will probably get bored eventually. It’s hard to go wrong with a nice, even medium pace. It allows both partners to feel what’s going on, and it’s probably not going to hurt anyone. Just make sure that your movements are fluid and everyone should have a good time.

 

3: Fast

For the safety of The Bottom, don’t start with fast thrusts. Start slow, then speed up to a medium pace. Stick with that for a little while, and then rev up your speed. Check with your partner first to see if they want you to be that aggressive, and make sure their anus still has plenty of lubrication. Fast anal sex can be great as long as everyone and everything is ready for it.

 

IS IT MORAL TO HAVE ANAL SEX?

 

I’ve never heard a logical, coherent argument for why anal sex is immoral. Sure, it involves poop and the butt, but life involves poop and butts. Poop and butts is a mundane non-issue. There’s no reason for it to be a taboo. It’s just there. Actually, it’s better than just there. It’s a gift. It’s an opportunity for intimacy with the ones we care about. There is only good in that. If we’re not here to live and love, then what the hell are we doing here? I can’t, don’t and won’t believe that we’re here to fear and loathe any part of our bodies. I believe we’re here to live and love, and anal sex is one way of doing that.

Having said that, anal sex is not a moral imperative either. There’s no logical reason why anal abstinence would make you a bad person. Your prerogative is your choice, and your choice is your right. You do your thing and don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with.

 

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Advice On Sexual Domination And Submission

Photo of a sexy woman wearing a thick, leather collar around her neck

 

There’s no one right position, technique, speed, duration or tone to have sex. Even if there were one combination of movements that your partner likes best, they’ll get bored of you doing the same thing every time. Being a good sexual partner requires you to understand all the variations of sex and cycle through them.

Sometimes women want to be treated like a princess in bed. Sometimes they want you to communicate how much she means to you by doing things like scattering rose petals on the bed, lighting candles and kissing her softly. She wants you to woo her by undressing her slowly then laying her down softly and making sweet, gentle, tantalizing, intimate, romantic love to her. All of these things will make her feel wanted, understood, cared for and safe. However, if that’s the only way you ever make love to your woman then you don’t understand her, and you’re not satisfying all her needs. Ironically, your good intentions are likely boring her and leaving her unfulfilled.

Most women crave harder, rougher sex every once in a while. This extends to more than just thrusting harder. They want their man to take charge and dominate her. They want to blur the lines of consensuality and submit to an overwhelming and uncontrollable force.

This can be difficult for sexually inexperienced men to understand. Society trains boys to grow up into gentlemen who treat women with respect and reverence, which is good. Furthermore, you should know from your own experiences that if you step over a woman’s personal boundaries in public she won’t hesitate to snap at you and call you a creep or worse. You could even be expelled, fired or arrested for sexual harassment just for talking about sex in front of a woman. If all the women in your life act like high class, prim, sophisticated, modest ladies, you may assume that they want to be treated with the same degree of light-handedness in bed, but that’s not always the case.

If you read any book on the psychology of women’s sexuality, which you should, you may be surprised to learn that most women have rape fantasies. This doesn’t mean that women want to be raped. In fact, many women don’t realize how common rape fantasies are, and they feel profound shame for having these guilty fantasies… yet their imagination keeps returning to that dark place.

Men aren’t any different. 99% of men masturbate, and I would hazard to say that most men with an internet connection will watch internet porn eventually. If you watch enough internet porn, it’s only a matter of time before you masturbate to some scenario that you might not do in real life such as cuckolding, infidelity, gangbangs, bukkake, dubious consent, hardcore BDSM, homosexuality, incest, public sex, glory holes, teen anal, GILF, etc. Hopefully, you don’t feel guilty about that, because it’s okay. Your imagination is a safe place to act out your biological carnal urges. Having exaggerated sexual fantasies isn’t a sign of immorality or weakness. It’s a sign that you’re human. Instead of repressing and loathing these thoughts, we should understand and learn from them.

Women shouldn’t fear and resent men’s sexual fantasies. They should learn from them that men crave variety and excitement. If they want to please a man sexually they should cater to his needs within reason. Men can learn the same lesson from women’s fantasies.

 

 

You don’t have to get psychoanalytical to understand why women would want to be dominated in bed every once in a while. It’s different. It’s exciting. It’s carefree fun. It’s a thrilling, overwhelming sensation that tows the line between safety and danger similar to skydiving or riding a motorcycle. Even men can have a great time letting their guard down and being dominated now and again.

Having said that, you can also find psychological roots for this desire, and all of them are completely natural. Everyone has a psychological need for structure and security. Deep down we all want to be controlled by an authority figure. It makes us feel safe. It takes the burden of responsibility away from us, which feels euphoric. In this way, allowing someone to dominate you doesn’t feel threatening or belittling. Quite the opposite, it feels reassuring and comforting to know that you can trust your lover to take you to the brink of danger without going over the line.

When done correctly, domination won’t make a woman feel disrespected. It will actually make her respect you more because it demonstrates that you’re man enough to take control and exert your will. If you never exert any dominance in bed you run the risk of looking like an insecure wimp in her eyes.

At the same time, when a woman allows herself to be sexually dominated she’s actually exercising control. On the surface, it might look like the dom is controlling the sub, but the sub can stop the sexual encounter at any time. The dom only gets to act in control because the sub lets him. It’s like controlling a raging bull with a remote control. That can be a very empowering experience. It’s similarly empowering for the sub to know that the reason her dom is being wild and ravenous is because she turns him on that much. His sexual appetite is an indicator of how desirable she is. That’s flattering.

On the other hand, sometimes women get weary of acting prim, proper and modest in public all the time. After acting in control for the public for so long they just want to throw their modesty to the wind and indulge in care free ravishing submission. Sometimes they just want to be lazy in bed. Men should be able to understand that. Sometimes men just want to lay on their backs and let the woman do all the work too. We should all get to enjoy that on a regular basis.

For these reasons and more it’s important for men to be dominant in bed sometimes. I can’t tell you how often or how intense that should be. You need to communicate with your partner to understand what she wants.

You might not be comfortable dominating your woman because you’re insecure or just not into that kind of thing. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to step up to the plate. Imagine if your woman told you, “I’m just not into giving blowjobs, or being on top. So you’re just going to have to live with neither of those things ever happening.” That would be selfish and insensitive, and eventually, you might start looking for a woman who wants to pleasure you in the ways that are important to you. Sex is a give and take. Sometimes you have to do things that aren’t your favorite because it’s important to your lover, and she’s important to you. It’s not going to kill you. Quite the opposite, she’s going to reciprocate the pleasure to you when it’s your turn.

At this point, I may have convinced you to experiment with sexual domination, but you’re still not sure what exactly that entails. The first thing you need to do is ask your partner what she wants. She has likely already been having specific fantasies that she wants you to enact. She’s the only person who can tell you what she wants. You should also read a few books on BDSM for beginners. There are hundreds to choose from. You may as well learn from the masters.

Being sexually dominant isn’t just something you do in bed. Depending on how far you and are your partner are willing to take it, you can make a lifestyle around being a dominant alpha male and/or a dedicated sub.  There are hundreds of books and forums covering this topic as well, and they’re worth looking into even if you’re not going to fully swallow the red pill.

For now I’ll give you an easy way to begin talking to your partner about domination and determine what level she wants. Sit down together with this list and discuss how far she wants you to go and how often:

 

Level 1: Light

Domination can be as simple as holding and kissing your woman firmly during sex. You can also press her against the wall, take her clothes off commandingly or tell her what you want her to do during sex. You can also blindfold your woman or restrain her hands behind her back. That takes a little control away from her and adds a higher level of eroticism to sex. All of these techniques demonstrate strength without being offensive.

 

Level 2: Medium

You can turn the heat up another notch by instigating sex more abruptly. Take her clothes off more forcefully. Manhandle her a little more in bed. Spank her ass and grip her tightly. Flip her over into successive sex positions confidently. Use sex positions that put her in a more submissive position like doggy style or the folding deck chair. Thrust harder and talk dirty to her. Pull her hair firmly, but make sure you hold a large tuft of hair close to the roots so it doesn’t hurt. Place your hand around her throat like you’re choking her, but don’t apply any pressure. Just having your hand there is enough to create the impression of dominance without risk of hurting her.

 

Level 3: Hard

Be more vocal about what you want her to do and how you want her to do it. Administer light spanking if she doesn’t follow your orders precisely. Use spanking toys like whips, crops, and paddles. Use other toys like nipple clamps, and gags. Have her be completely naked while you still have most of your clothes on to tip the power dynamics in your favor. Be forceful enough with your thrusting and manhandling that the issue of using a safe word becomes relevant. You can pick your own safe word, but one option that eliminates all confusion is to use “green,” “yellow,” and “red” for “go,” “proceed with caution,” and “stop.” If/when you choke her, apply a little pressure, but read a few articles about the proper way to choke. You’re not crushing the windpipe. You’re applying light pressure to the arteries on the side of the neck. Have your woman dress submissively and spend time both in and out of bed serving you as her master.

 

Level 4: Professional

If you’ve never practiced domination in the bedroom then you shouldn’t begin your journey into BDSM at the most intense level. It’s only logical that you work your way up to using advanced toys and techniques. At this level, you definitely want to have read a few BDSM books and have gone to some fetish parties or clubs, which you should be able to find on the internet.

When done correctly any level of BDSM is empowering, loving and exciting for everyone involved. If you don’t think you’d be into even the lightest BDSM then you probably don’t understand what it is. It’s not a deviant taboo that only wicked perverts do. It’s for everyone. It’s not a line that you cross into sexual perversion. It’s an opportunity for you and your lover to explore each other mentally, physically and emotionally. It’s a natural way to have fun and bond.

It doesn’t cost anything to talk to your lover about spicing up your sex your life a little. You may be surprised to discover that your lover has been waiting to have that conversation with you.

 

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How To Perform Foreplay

WHAT IS FOREPLAY?

 

The dictionary defines foreplay as,

“erotic stimulation preceding sexual intercourse.”

Wikipedia defines foreplay as,

“a set of emotionally and physically intimate acts between two or more people meant to create sexual arousal and desire for sexual activity.”

Urban dictionary defines foreplay as,

“touching/kissing/licking each other in a stimulating manner, in order to become ‘turned on’ before having actual sex.”

 

Etching of a Reneissance-era man and woman laying in a field, kissing and touching each other

 

Basically, these definitions say foreplay is stuff that happens before sex, but they don’t say what to do, how to do it, or why. To answer those questions, you have to understand a little about how the human body works.

Humans are basically brains connected to a mobile stimulation detector. The reality you experience is the sum product of a bowl full of chemicals in your skull. If you change the chemical composition in your brain bowl by adding a new chemical like L.S.D., you’ll change how you experience reality.

Every time your body experiences sensory stimulation, it changes the chemicals in your brain, which changes how you feel and what you want to do. When you get hurt, your brain produces endorphins that try to numb you. When you’re scared, it secretes adrenaline that sends you into a fight-or-flight panic. When you’re touched softly, it releases cortisol, which makes you relax. When you have sex, it produces oxytocin, which makes you feel high.

The more sexual stimulation your body experiences, the more sexual chemicals your brain releases. You have an orgasm when your chemical composition reaches a tipping point.

If foreplay is getting ready for sex, and people are bowls of chemicals attached to stimulation detectors, then my definition of foreplay is, “stimulating a person’s senses to produce the brain chemicals most conducive to sexual pleasure leading to orgasm.”

 

HOW LONG SHOULD FOREPLAY LAST?

 

Redundant studies have found it takes men 1-11 minutes of sexual sensory stimulation to prime their body chemistry enough to give them an erection and be able to orgasm. It takes 10-20 minutes of stimulation for women’s bodies to complete the hormonal changes necessary to relax/moisten their vagina and get them sex-drunk on oxytocin.

Everyone’s biology is a little different, but apparently, 10-20 minutes is a good amount of time to fool around before penetration. The consequence of not putting in the time is, you won’t have as strong of an orgasm as possible. If both partners are fine with this, and they just want to have sex and get to a quick boom at the end, that’s fine.

The more time you spend stimulating each other’s senses and minds, the stronger your orgasms will be. There’s an art to delayed sexual gratification. It’s called edging and/or tantric sex. Having nuclear orgasms is ideal when you have time to prepare them, but it’s not always necessary or practical to put that much time and effort into foreplay.

If you’re a high achiever, then aim for 30-40 minutes tops, but also consider how much chafing and boredom can happen in that time. 15-30 minutes is a much safer time frame.

However, mental and emotional foreplay can last all day though. If you stimulate your partner’s brain with positive words, sounds, smells, tastes, images, and physical stimulation throughout the day, you’ll pump sexual chemicals into their brain. So their arousal level will be higher than zero when you first touch them.

 

HOW DO YOU PERFORM FOREPLAY?

During foreplay, you should stimulate your partner with sights, sounds, smells, and tastes. Common sense can tell you how to do that. Wear nice underwear, light some scented candles, turn on some mood music, and brush your teeth. What you might be having trouble understanding is, what to do with your body? Here’s a list of options:

1: Ask your partner what they want you to do

Everyone is different. What worked best for your last partner might not work at all on your next. The most consistently successful lovers aren’t the best at reading minds. They’re the best at asking their partners what they want.

If neither of you knows what you like, then experiment with different techniques, modalities, and fetishes. Afterwards, talk about what you did and didn’t like about them. This will help you discover each others’ passions and create new ones together. That will keep your sex life burning bright, but you won’t get anywhere if you don’t communicate.

 

 

2: Make out and dry hump for twenty minutes

If you have no idea what to do during foreplay, you’re overthinking it. You need to stimulate your partner’s skin so their brain will produce sexual chemicals and increase blood flow to their genitals. All you have to do to accomplish that is make out and rub their genitals for a while. It may not be creative, but it’s intimate, and it gets the job done.

There’s no single right speed or intensity. The more you use your best technique, the more boring it will get. Alternate between being romantic and ravishing. All that matters is you’re in sync. So read your partner’s vibe, and go with the flow.

 

 

This advice applies to taking each other’s clothes off as well. How do you know if you should take your clothes off, or let them undress you? Should you undress them, or do you undress each other? Does one person go first, or do you do it together? Do you do it slowly or aggressively? Do whatever the situation calls for. If you need help, then turn on some sexy music, and move your body with the tempo, like you’re dancing. If it’s slow music, go slowly. If it’s fast, be rougher. Don’t think. Just go with the flow and do what you feel.

 

 

3: Give your partner a full body erotic massage

The most effective way to prep your partner’s body for sex, is to give them a full body erotic massage. If you caress their entire body, you’ll stimulate all their nerve endings, and it’ll take at least twenty minutes. That covers everything you need to warm up their sexual engine to cruising speed.

You don’t have to be a massage expert to give a good sensual massage. Just use soft, flowing, rhythmic movements, and glide your hands all over their body. You don’t need to impress your partner’s mind with fancy techniques. You just need to stimulate all their nerve endings.

My one suggestion would be to not focus too much on stimulating their genitals. Brush by them every once and a while, but don’t focus on them. Waiting and teasing will result in delayed gratification. It’ll make your partner want you to get to the sex, and the more they think about it, the more their body will respond by producing those sexual chemicals and increasing blood flow to their genitals.

There are tons of books, sites, and videos on the internet about the art of sensual, erotic, tantric massages. The more you teach yourself, the more confident you’ll feel when giving a massage. Then your partner will feel your confidence through your touch.

Particularly in women’s brain chemistry, safety equals sexy. When a man demonstrates he’s confident having sex with her, then her body will feel more comfortable having sex with him and send messages to her vagina to relax and get wet. If a man demonstrates insecurity and awkwardness leading up to sex, then her nerve endings report that to her brain, which may respond by chemically inducing feelings of insecurity in her, which can cause her body to shut down sexually to the point it won’t allow her vagina to get wet. So do your homework. Proper preparation prevents poor performance.

 

4: Caress each other

In foreplay, you need to stimulate your partner’s skin, but you don’t need a full body massage. You don’t even need to take your clothes off. Just reach your hand over, touch them, and move your hand around softly. You can caress them lightly, tracing your fingers up and down their body. Or you can hold and squeeze them. If you focus on impressing them with technical proficiency, then your touch is going to feel mechanical, impersonal, and self-indulgent. Your partner doesn’t want to be impressed by your technical skills. They want to feel needed. So touch them in a way that communicates desire.

If you want to spice things up a little more, you can caress them with something that feels good to the touch, like a feather tickler or rose. You can take this to the next level by caressing them with ice or drip melted wax on them. If that’s too intense or scary, find something that’s silky smooth. Then put it in the freezer or the microwave long enough to make it tantalizingly cool or warm.

 

 

5: Practice tantric sex

If/when you want to have foreplay that lasts a really long time, you can use tantric sex. There are lots of instructional books and websites. You should read, share and discuss them with your partner. It’s ironic so much has been said about tantric sex, because the point of it is you don’t do anything. Just sit in the yab yum position, and nuzzle your partner for an insanely long time.

 

 

6: Buy a sex game

If you constantly worry that you’re doing foreplay wrong, then try not being in control. Instead, buy a sex game that tells you what to do by picking cards, spinning wheels or rolling dice. This way, you don’t have to make any decisions. You’ll both have fun. Plus you’ll be able to practice foreplay techniques and learn what your partner likes.

 

 

7: Watch a sexy and/or scary movie

Watching a movie about a person accomplishing a goal stimulates the same regions of your brain as experiencing real-world success. In the same way, watching a sexy movie stimulates the sexual regions of your brain.

Since movies last longer than twenty minutes, you know your partner’s brain will have a lot of time to pump their veins full of sex hormones. If you caress each other and make out a little during the movie, you’ll accomplish everything you’re supposed to during foreplay. At that point, you can jump straight into sex, or pick another technique from this list to do for a while. If you’re both already pretty warmed up, you don’t have to worry about foreplay lasting a whole twenty minutes.

It might seem counter-intuitive to watch a scary movie to get someone in the mood, but there’s a logical reason why it can help you get laid. When you experience fear, your body produces adrenaline, which heightens your senses and makes you feel the need to fight or flight. You get a big rush of motivation to do something to release the tension. Your brain’s reaction to fear is to find safety and protection. If you hold your partner in your arms while they’re scared, their body chemistry will naturally respond to the fear by associating you with protection and comfort. That will make them feel good inside, and their body will want more of that positive feedback, which will make them want more of your touch.

This doesn’t always work, and it’s guaranteed to fail if you watch something gross and disturbing like “The Human Centipede.” For the best chances of success, pick a show that’s sexy and scary, like a slutty vampire flick.

 

 

8: Practice BDSM

If watching scary movies makes your brain produce adrenaline that can be rolled over into sexual excitation, then it stands to reason that you can accomplish the same effect by scaring your partner in real life. There’s an art form to BDSM that takes years to master, and you shouldn’t attempt it without reading several instructional books, websites and watching videos. You can start by reading my blog, “Advice to men on sexual domination and submissiveness.” If you really want to jump into the world of BDSM, then make a profile on fetlife.com and talk to some real aficionados.

 

 

The idea behind BDSM, is that one person pretends to be domineering, and the other pretends to be submissive. The “Dom” tells the “Sub” to do things like, “Take off your clothes.” “Kneel.” “Touch yourself.” “Touch me.” etc. When the Sub does something they’re not supposed to, the Dom punishes them with light amounts of pain by spanking, whipping, pinning, pushing, choking, scratching, burning, etc.

The point isn’t to be cruel. It’s to build trust. You begin by caressing the part of their body where you’re going to inflict pain. Then you administer a very tiny amount, followed by caressing the same spot. You alternate stimulating emotions of fear and comfort, which opens Pandora’s box of sexual chemistry. Then, after the BDSM session is over, you engage in aftercare, which means you snuggle lovingly for as long as it takes to confirm the Sub is with a Dom who truly cares about them and isn’t just a selfish, sadistic jerk.

 

 

9: Oral sex

You don’t need to have oral sex every time you have foreplay, and you don’t need to bring your partner to climax every time you go down on them. When should you do it, and for how long? There’s no wrong answer. Just do whatever feels good.

Having said that, there are some guidelines to consider. First, oral sex is one of the fastest ways to stimulate blood flow to your partner’s genitals. So it might seem like a good place to start, but that’s like starting a car engine and then slamming the gas pedal to the floor. This would be effective when you know you don’t have a lot of time and want to get to the sex quickly, but oral sex is most pleasurable when your sex organ is already throbbing with passion, particularly for women.

During the first 1-10 minutes of foreplay, a blowjob is a great way to rev up a man’s engine, and for women who enjoy giving head, it warms them up as well. Once a man is fired up, he’s not going to lose his momentum if you switch to something less stimulating.

For women, the best way to prime their body for orgasm is to start your foreplay session soft and slow, then build up speed and intensity to a crescendo without ever losing momentum. If you start fast and heavy, then slow down and speed up, over and over again, then she’ll ride a wave of hormones towards orgasm, then lose it and have to build it back up again. The more times she has to start over, the more frustrated she’ll become until her body just gives up. So, you might not want to play your strongest hand first.

It’s typically not a good idea to fellate a man all the way to orgasm before sex because he’ll need to take a break for at least five minutes before he can get hard again, if at all. With women, it depends on her mood. Sometimes she’d rather get her orgasm first, so she can sit back and enjoy sex without having to wonder if she’ll get an orgasm today. Other times, they prefer saving the orgasm until during or after sex, so it releases all the tension from foreplay and fucking at once. The best way to know which kind of orgasm she wants is to ask. Though, guys wouldn’t have to, if girls would just tell men what they want.

 

PIcture of Willy Wonka smiling sarcastically and saying, "Oh, your boyfriend doesn't know how to make you cum. Tell me more about why you didn't just say what you want, but it's still his fault you didn't get it?"

 

For a basic foreplay session, try making out and caressing each other for 10-15 minutes, then go down on each other. You can do it one at a time, or in the 69 position. Sometimes foreplay should be about both people pleasing each other, but it’s also good to take turns making it all about your partner. When you’re having a worshiping session, go down on your partner and then proceed to the sex without expecting anything in return.

For more information on oral sex, read these two blogs:

How to go down on a girl

How to go down on a guy

 

10: Manual genital stimulation

Handjobs and fingering follow slightly different rules. Penises usually aren’t overly sensitive when they’re flaccid. So it’s okay to begin foreplay by stroking his cock. It’s a fast and effective way to get him in the mood and stoke his desire for you.

Before a woman has been properly aroused for at least ten minutes, her vagina will probably be sensitive, dry and tight. So if the first thing you do in a foreplay session is cram a bunch of fingers inside her, you’re going to hurt her and trigger her body’s defense mechanisms.

Fingering a woman after she’s been warmed up, is a good way to loosen her up a little bit more and make her body want deeper penetration. There are women out there with fingering fetishes, who enjoy getting finger banged for 5-10 minutes straight. Most often, when women are turned on and yearning for penetration, she’s hungry for cock. Fingering is just teasing, which is erotic but only in small doses. If you’re a virgin and don’t know anything about vaginas, don’t finger bang them at all. You’ll probably do more damage than good.

When fingering a woman, start slow, and penetrate her deeper gradually. Don’t push in until she’s wet enough for your finger to slip in fluidly. Virgins who assume all women love big cocks, also assume the more fingers you can cram in a vagina, the better it will feel. There are some girls who like getting fisted, but 99 times out of 100, women would rather you just use one, or two fingers at most.

A vagina is a sex organ, and the best way to stimulate a sex organ is to massage the part with the most nerve endings. On a woman, that’s the clit, which is outside the vagina. So you should be stimulating that with your tongue, a toy or your other hand, while you’re fingering her.

On the surface, the clitoris looks like a tiny nub, but it extends inside the woman’s body another inch or so, right above the roof of the vaginal canal. If you push up on the roof, you can stimulate the clitoris from the inside. This area is known as the G-spot. Every girl likes their clit internally massaged differently. Ask her, and experiment, but understand that less is usually more. The simplest way to hit the G-spot is to stick your finger all the way in, press it against the roof, and draw it all the way out, slowly. This will guarantee you hit as much of it as possible. Just keep doing that rhythmically, and it will have a positive effect.

 

11: Self-stimulation

Instead of stimulating each other, you and your partner can watch each other stimulate yourselves. It may seem awkward and embarrassing at first glance, but that’s exactly why you should do it. You get to see a side of each other most people won’t. You get to share yourself laid bare, while simultaneously experiencing the rush of voyeurism.

Your partner knows you feel vulnerable. That’s part of what makes masturbating in front of them so hot. It shows courage and trust. Plus, seeing you experience pleasure stimulates the same regions of their brain as when they experience pleasure. You’re basically mind-fucking them, and they love it. Best of all, it shows them how you like to be pleasured.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

Sex positions and techniques
General Sex Advice
Dating Advice
Relationship Advice
Philosophy of Sexuality
Friendship
My Tweets About Romance

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