1. Before you call make sure your computer is plugged in and turned on.
I’ve actually gotten about 6 calls from people whose monitors were black because their computers were turned off. I’ve had about 3 calls from people with unplugged computers. One person actually asked me, “Will it work if it’s not plugged in?” Don’t be that guy. It’s embarrassing for you and a waste of the help desk technician’s time.
2. If your screen freezes, then reboot your system.
What do you expect a help desk guy to do for you? There’s no unfreeze switch in the back. There’s no secret button combination that unfreezes computers. All a help desk guy is going to do is reboot your system. Save him the trouble. Save yourself the wait, and do it your self.
3. If you want to know how to add bullets to your PowerPoint or insert a picture in Word, then use the fucking Help menu.
Don’t call the help desk to find out something you could have figured out on your own in less than 15 seconds. If you ever call your help desk and ask how to use any of the Office programs, chances are they’re going to open Office on their computer, pull up the help menu, type in your question, and read what it says to you verbatim. So basically, their boss is paying them to read to you. Your laziness has reduced your I.T. technicians into overpaid nannies for illiterate adults.
If you type almost any problem into an internet search engine and find the answer to even the most obscure problems in minutes.
4. If your internet connection is down, or your mouse or keyboard stopped working, make sure your wires are plugged in.
80% of problems with network connections and peripherals can be solved by jiggling the cables. If you call the help desk they’re going to ask you to jiggle cables. Now that you know it, do it yourself before you call.
5. If your account is locked out don’t tell the help desk that you have no idea how it got locked.
I’ll tell you how it got locked. You put in your password wrong too many times. The more you try to deny that you’re responsible the dumber you’ll look in the eyes of the nerds in the help desk. Do you want to be looked down upon by nerds? No. If you want to minimize the shame of getting locked out of your account then minimize the time the help desk guy has to spend unlocking it. You can minimize the time by wasting everyone’s time with transparent excuses.
6. Don’t yell at the help desk because your computer is broken.
It’s not their fault. In fact, the help desk technician is the last person you want to yell at, because he’s the only one who can help you. And think about this. Every call the help desk guy gets all day is from some frustrated idiot at his wit’s end. You’re the 10th today and the millionth in his life. The help desk technician is not in the mood to deal with your shit.
I’ve put many angry customers on hold for no reason and bullshitted with my coworkers while the guy on the line fumed. If I had to go out to the person’s workstation to help them I’d wait anywhere from 30 minutes to a day before helping them. On a few occasions, I even told them that a fixable problem was unfixable. For really nice customers I’ve taken their systems home and worked their problem on my off time or hooked them up with extra software or hardware. The helpdesk technician is not your punching bag. He’s a human being, and you need him.
7. Don’t explain how important it is that your problem gets fixed.
The technician doesn’t care, and your babbling is only keeping him from fixing your important problem. If you absolutely must explain how important your work is, then only do it once.
On a related note, know that if the technician says your hard drive has exploded and there’s no hope of salvaging your data…you can not get the technician to change his mind by repeating over and over how important it is that you get your data back. If a doctor told you that your spouse was dead you wouldn’t stand there repeating to the doctor how important it is for you to get your spouse back. Face the facts. Move on. Back up your data next time.
8. If you know anything about computers, then don’t try to impress the technician with how much you know.
And don’t try to start a dick waving competition about who knows more about computers or who has the better home computer. You will only make yourself look like a dick, annoy your technician, waste the time he could be using to fix your problem, and cause him to give you worse service now and in the future.
9. Try to describe the actual problem you’re having.
This means taking ten seconds to analyze your screen and at least read labels correctly. I don’t know how many times someone has called me because they say they can’t log in to their computer, but when I get to their office they’re logged in. They just can’t get to a website. I had one guy call up and say he deleted the Internet. The whole damned thing.
Just because your internet connection doesn’t work, doesn’t mean that the entire building’s internet connection is down. Before you tell the technician the building’s internet is down, ask the person next to you if they have a connection. I understand that everyone can’t be tech savvy, but explaining what is right in front of you falls more under common sense than tech sense. Use common sense. Take the time to analyze the problem you’re having if only enough to describe it accurately. It will help the technician help you.
10. Rewards your helpdesk technician
Unless you’re the old lady who gives the help desk candy all the time, or you’re the hot young girl who wears low cut shirts, your help desk technicians hate you and don’t want to serve you because you’re an idiot who makes their lives hell.
They only help you for the money, and they don’t get paid enough to make dealing with you worth it. They would quit and get a better job, but they’ve got bills to pay just like everyone else. So they man up and take shit from idiots day in and day out like good, hard-working adults are supposed to.
Try to look at life from their point of view. They deal with real, catastrophic tech problems day in and day out. The more time they can spend on real problems and the less time they have to spend on wiping stupid, lazy people’s asses the better they’ll be able to improve everyone’s computing experience. So try to fix your problem yourself before calling. If you do have to interact with technicians then get to the point, shut up and let them do their job. And give them candy.
11. The help desk cannot fix your Hotmail.
Don’t ask.
If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:
General Pop Culture
- 8 Ways pop culture warps our perception of reality
- Why you should boycott pop culture
- 10 signs you’re a sheeple
- 10 reasons you’re surrounded by idiots
- 13 things I won’t say anymore
- You might be depressed because the system is crazy, not because you are
- 20 problems Americans accept as normal but don’t have to
- 7 economic injustices we all accept
- Holding onto out cultures is holding the world back
- Recommended intelligent books and videos
Trending Topics
- My theory on gun control
- Stop talking about guns and start talking about poverty
- My theory on illegal immigration
- Borders are inhumane
- 7 reasons minimum wage should be higher
- Is it lazy to not want to work?
- It’s time to stop guilt-tripping poor people into saving the environment
- The Global Warming Denier
- What are transsexuals? Why are they suddenly popular? Why do Conservative fear them?
- Should transsexuals be allowed in the military?
- 9 reasons not to join the united states military
- Patriotism is not a virtue. It’s insanity.
- American cops, you’re delusional if you don’t understand why civilians hate you
- Why are Americans so violent and unhappy?
- Stop treating people like shit and they’ll start giving a fuck
- Americans need to learn the difference between socialism, communism, and capitalism
- Why Obamacare made me facepalm
- Islam needs an intervention
- Never Forget Chick-Fil-A’s Inequality Appreciation Day
- It’s time to stop mutilating baby boys’ genitals
- Why you should not respect religious beliefs
- American Christians, you don’t believe or practice what the Bible says about marriage
- Are you a meta Atheists or pop Atheists
- A modest proposal on the moral imperative of teacher accountability
Movies, Music, and Television
- The world won’t improve until you stop being a vidiot
- Why the movie “Brave” made me facepalm
- Why the movie “Tomorrowland” made me facepalm
- Why did “Full House” and “Saved by the Bell” exist?
- 6 reasons not to let your children read/watch Twilight
- A basic Hollywood movie plot outline template
- A basic Hollywood sitcom episode plot template
Sports
Art
- The Warhol Effect
- What is the difference between good art and bad art?
- Funny anthropomorphic illustrations of common dinners
- This Was Your Life: The modern artist (Comic)
Fashion
- The importance of style
- Why men should wear nice underwear
- We need to talk about this pants situation
Food and Drinks
- What’s the difference between expensive wine and cheap wine?
- The time I worked in an apple orchard
- 5 reasons why I hate Starbucks
- The customer is not always right
- This Was Your Life: The Vegetarian (Comic)
Technology
- Cost/benefit analysis of internet trolling
- My opinion on online sharing
- 26 things I wish someone would invent
- Introduction to cryptocurrency
- The most important factor in the value of cryptocurrencies, and how it applies to STEEM
- Introduction to Steemit.com
- 9 reasons why writers should blog
- 11 things I learned about blogging from blogging on Myspace
- Highway to the Thunderdome: A Story about Digital Piracy (Comic)
Social Justice Warriors
- My theory on social justice warriors
- Two Feminist Ladies (Comic)
- This Was Your Life: The Radical Feminist (Comic)
- This Was Your Life: Two Social Justice Warriors (Comic)
Liberals and Conservatives
- An open letter to liberal Americast
- An open letter to conservative America
- What should Republicans and Democrats do about Trump?
- Conservatives, stop talking about overthrowing the government
- Right wing entertainment news is making America worse
- My theory on why Fox News acts so biased and evil
- This was your life: A liberal and a conservative (Comic)
- Two conservative ladies (Comic)
Baby Boomers and The Younger Generations
- 10 mistakes the future generation won’t make
- 14 ways American parents created the children they complain about
Racism and Xenophobia
- Hating white people isn’t logical or helpful
- Everyone is a little racist and what we should do about it
- A white man explains the Black Lives Matter movement
- What should racists do about Trump?
- What should xenophobes do about Trump?
- What should minorities do about Trump?
- This was your life: The racist (Comic)
- 9 reasons foreigners look down on Americans
Conspiracy Theories and Theorists
- My theory on every major conspiracy theory
- My unifying conspiracy theory
- My ghost story
- My UFO story
- Have a sane perception of conspiracy theories
- Don’t give conspiracy theorists your money
- This Was Your Life: The conspiracy theorist (Comic)
Feel free to leave a comment.