“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: Oh my God. I hate what sheeple all liberals are. They just believe everything they’re told by the liberal media and hate on anyone who disagrees with them.

Lady #2: Oh yeah. No fan on conservative media would ever do that… ever.

Lady #1: Exactly. That just goes to prove why we’re better than everyone else and don’t have to listen to anyone.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I hate how liberals are trying to make government bigger and interfere with our lives.

Lady #2: Oh, Lordy! Does that mean it’s morally wrong for us to use government to push our psuedo Christian beliefs on everyone else like we’ve been doing all these years?

Lady #1: No, dear. Because we’re the only people who’s beliefs matter in the entire world.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: I take it as a badge of honor that so many people on the internet disagree with me.

Lady #2: Have you ever considered that the reason so many people disagree with you is because you might in some way be wrong?

Lady #1: Not only no, but hell no.

Lady #2 Well, I suppose not listening to other people is a hallmark of intelligence.

Lady #1 Damn skippy.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: I believe in smaller government.

Lady #2: So you don’t believe the government should be allowed to say who can marry?

Lady #1: Obviously the government should have total control over that. I also believe in personal responsibility.

Lady #2 So you don’t believe in tax breaks for the rich or subsidies for big companies?

Lady #1 Hells yeah I believe in those things. I also believe in a strong military and police force… as long as they don’t try to take my guns.

Lady #2 So… you believe democracy means getting whatever you want and denying everyone else what they want.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: Unregulated capitalism is the only way the masses will ever have a chance at prosperity and happiness.

Lady #2: Yeah, but economic inequality is at an all time high in American society, and the resulting poverty is the greatest source of misery and hopelessness in the lives of the poor.

Lady #1: Bitch, don’t make me shout my premise louder until I drown out everything you have to say.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: If there’s one thing America stands for it’s freedom, and we shall fight against tyranny across the globe with our glorious military strength!

Lady #2: Did you know that with the help of the British, America stole the island of Diego Garcia from its inhabitants to build a U.S. military base on?

Lady #1: AAAAAAAAAAGGHH! Why don’t you support the troops, you Taliban-loving fuck wit!?

Lady #2 Jesus Christ, woman! I’m just pointing out…

Lady #1 What a freedom hating whore you are?

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: There’s only one thing I hate worse than libtards, fags, niggers, atheists, Jews, Muslims, immigrants or protesters who aren’t members of the Tea Party?

Lady #2: What’s that, dear?

Lady #1: People who aren’t tolerant of my views.

Lady #2 How do you endure the pain of your oppression?

Lady #1 Shopping helps.

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1:  God, I hope New Gingrich runs for president again. He was such an inspiration.

Lady #2: That guy!? He was literally found guilty of corruption. He cheated on his third wife, who had cancer. And he ran for president on the platform that he was going to build a moon base. By what criteria was he a good person much less an inspiration?

Lady #1: By the only criteria that matters… He called himself a Republican and not a Democrat.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: You pretend to be President Obama, and I’ll pretend to be Congress.

Lady #2: Okay.

Lady #1: Do everything I say without exception or I swear to God I’ll shut down the fucking government! I don’t care how many people it hurts.

Lady #2 Uhhh. No.

Lady #1 AAAAAAAAAGH! You’re completely unwilling to compromise. It’s 100% your fault I shut down the government.

Lady #2 You keep using the word “compromise,” but I don’t think you know what it means.

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: If we raise minimum wage then business owners like me will just raise prices, and nothing will change.

Lady #2: But letting rich people keep more money won’t raise inflation?

Lady #1: No, because when we have more money than we need we just horde it. Then it doesn’t go into circulation.

Lady #2 But doesn’t it stimulate the economy when more money is in circulation?

Lady #1 The only point of stimulating the economy is for me to make more money, and I keep it all as it is. That can’t happen if poor people can achieve financial independence and thus not be desperate enough to work themselves to death for pennies.

Lady #2 I’m sorry, dear. Explain to me again how you’re not just completely evil.

 

Comic # 11

Lady #1: America’s heroic military is committed to defending freedom and destroying tyranny wherever it rears its ugly head!

Lady #2: Oh, goody. So when do you think America will stop funding Israel’s extermination of the Palestinians and strong arming the rest of the world from stepping in and stopping the genocide?

Lady #1: …

Lady #2 Well?

Lady #1 I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention to what you were saying. I was thinking about this hilarious thing that happened on Duck Dynasty last night. Let’s talk about that.

Lady #2 *Sigh*

 

Comic # 12

Lady #1: You seem down. What’s the matter, dear?

Lady #2: Oh, I’ve just been feeling a bit guilty lately for hating immigrants so much.

Lady #1: Hey, no. Why would you ever feel bad about that?

Lady #2 Oh, I just feel a bit hypocritical since our ancestors were immigrants who came to this country and stole all the land and resources from the natives.

Lady #1 That’s completely different. Our ancestors conquered the natives in bloody warfare. See? They didn’t steal anything. They won it.

Lady #2 That’s why I love you, dear. You find the most creative ways to justify anything.

 

Comic # 13

Lady #1: I hate how Obama is using the N.S.A. to spy on us. Why can’t we go back to the way things were… when George Bush was using the N.S.A. to spy on us.

Lady #2: Ahhhh. Those were the days.

 

Comic # 14

Lady #1: What’s wrong, dear. You seem upset again.

Lady #2: It’s just that I heard that this guy, Edward Snowden, leaked a bunch of classified information about how the N.S.A. is spying on everyone. I mean, we’re talking dystopian level invasion of privacy here.

Lady #1: Uhhh. So what?

Lady #2 Well, I know Fox News told me to label him a hacker and a traitor instead of a whistle blower, but…. I don’t want to be spied on. And how can I love and respect my country when it doesn’t even respect my privacy?

Lady #1 Honey, you’re focusing on all the wrong things. All you need to take a way from all this is… Fuck Obama.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: I watched an interview between Bill O’reilly and an atheist, and it got me thinking.

Lady #2: What did Bill say this time?

Lady #1: Well, the atheist pointed out how the first amendment says that congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, but the American government clearly favors Christianity. So…

Lady #2: Aaaaagh! Christianity is a philosopy, not a religion. So the government is free to favor it.

Lady #1: Oh, so should churches not be tax-exempt, or should every philosophical organization be tax exempt?

Lady #2: Hold on. I’ll need a few minutes to think of a bullshit excuse to weasel my way around my blatant hypocrisy.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I’m about to say something you might disagree with.

Lady #2: I’ve just labeled you a liberal. So anything you say is invalid.

Lady #1: That’s all it takes?

Lady #2: That’s all it takes.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: I heard these two homeless people complaining about how worried they were that the government may raise the minimum wage and lower taxes on the rich.

Lady #2: Really?

Lady #1: No. Not really. They were complaining about being homeless.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: I think Jesus would have wanted us to celebrate his birthday by buying our children piles of useless crap made in sweatshops and then lie to our children by saying that their gifts were delivered by a character from Pagan mythology.

Lady #2: Is that what Jesus said to do in the Bible?

Lady #1: Eh, who the hell has time to read that big book?

Lady #2: You know they made a version with pictures, right?

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: You seem upset, dear. What’s the matter?

Lady #2: Oh, I was just thinking about how both Jesus and Yahweh resolutely approved of slavery.

Lady #1: Eh, that’s no big deal.

Lady #2: Isn’t it? I mean, what more proof do you need that the Bible is a work of primitive mythology that merely reflects the values of the culture that produced it and wasn’t in fact written by the creator of the universe?

Lady #1: From now on I’m going to make you put a quarter in a jar every time you think.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: Remind me again why we censor the reality of sex from children?

Lady #2: Because they can’t handle it. It would make their minds explode!

Lady #1: Is there any psychological research to back that up?

Lady #2: None.

Lady #1: We don’t really have any idea how to raise children, do we?

Lady #2: None.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: I just learned that it’s a recipe for economic inequality when corporations charge as much as possible for their products and pay their workers as little as possible.

Lady #2: Ugh, you sound like a college freshman.

Lady #1: Golly, it’s pretty sad that college freshmen are smarter than us.

Lady #2: Yeah, that’s not where I was going with that.

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1: It’s our duty to question the government and stand up against it when it becomes too big. Wait… do we have a president who calls himself a Democrat?

Lady #2: Yes, dear. For three more years.

Lady #1: Then I stand by my statement for three more years.

Lady #2: Your commitment to your principles is an inspiration to us all.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: I just hate how our government keeps redistributing wealth.

Lady #2: Really? You’re upset about how the rich keep getting bailouts, tax breaks and tax shelters while the poor keep losing social services? I thought you would have been happy to have the nation’s wealth redistributed upwards.

Lady #1: Hmmm. Would it be okay if I keep bitching about something happening when the opposite is actually happening?

Lady #2: Absolutely! I mean, it’ll only confuse people as to what’s actually happening.

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: I’ve figured out how to reduce local city governments’ debts!

Lady #2: How’s that, dear?

Lady #1: By slashing public pensions!

Lady #2: What will the government spend the money they save on? Food tampss for the pensionless, starving elderly?

Lady #1: As Christ as my witness, one way or the other, that money will go to job creators!

Lady #2: Oh, so we’ll use that money to create jobs then, will we?

Lady #1: No. We’ll use it to line our already oversized golden parachutes.

 

Comic # 11

Lady #1: After a lifetime of watching our government screw up I’ve concluded that our two-party political system doesn’t work and is anathema to democracy.

Lady #2: What would you propose replacing it with?

Lady #1: A Republican hegemony.

 

Comic # 12

Lady #1: Minimum wage jobs were never meant to support adults financially. They’re really just for exploiting children.

Lady #2: What about the millions of cases where adults have no choice but to work dead end minimum wage jobs?

Lady #1: We ignore them.

Lady #2: That’s it? We just tell them, “Sorry you’re stuck at the bottom of an oppressive economic system. Sucks to be you?”

Lady #1: I don’t understand why you’re getting so worked up. They’re just poor people. It’s not like they’re human beings.

 

Comic # 13

Lady #1: Criminals don’t follow rules. So there’s no point making any gun control laws at all.

Lady #2: Don’t criminologists say that opportunity creates the criminal? And aren’t millions of gun deaths caused by otherwise good people who have been driven to unforeseeable desperation and just happen to have easy access to weapons of mass destruction?

Lady #1: Nothing you said is true. I should know, because I’m a gun expert.

Lady #2: Where did you learn so much about guns?

Lady #1: The N.R.A.

 

Comic # 14

Lady #1: I just hate that plaque on the Statue of Liberty that says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore…”

Lady #2: What exactly do you hate about those words?

Lady #1: Have you seen our immigration requirements lately? The Statue of Liberty should read, “Give me your healthy, your educated and your rich. The rest of you can work in our outsourced sweatshops.” As it stands, the Statue of Liberty is one big, propagandist, hypocritical lie. If we’re going to be evil let’s be upfront about it.

Lady #2: My goodness. You actually have a good point there.

 

Comic # 15

Lady #1: I can’t believe the Pope is advocating fair wages. He must be the devil, because only devils hate capitalism.

Lady #2: I mean, didn’t Jesus himself go into the church and kick over all the beggar’s tables and redistributed their wealth to the tax collectors? He sure as hell advocated slavery. So according to God Himself, sweatshop workers have no room to complain.

Lady #1: The only thing you said that’s true is the bit about Jesus approving of slavery.

Lady #2: That’s enough to prove my point. The Pope is officially a piece of shit.

Lady #1: I’m going to have to start writing down a list of everyone we’re supposed to hate.

 

Comic # 16

Lady #1: America revolted against Britain because of taxation without representation. They just took our money, and we had no idea or say about what it was spent on.

Lady #2: …sort of like how America spends trillions of dollars on its top secret network that nobody knows anything about or can challenge?

Lady #1: Is a Democrat currently president?

Lady #2: Yes, dear.

Lady #1: Then, yes. Exactly like that.

 

Comic # 17

Lady #1: Black people tend to vote Democrat. So how can we make it harder for black people to vote?

Lady #2: What you’re suggesting is voter fraud!

Lady #1: That’s perfect! We’ll make them jump through unreasonable hoops under the guise of preventing voter fraud!

Lady #2: Firstly, don’t you feel any shame for being so Orwellianly hypocritical? And secondly, won’t it be blatantly obvious what we’re doing?

Lady #1: Firstly, I live for this shit. Secondly, we’re completely unaccountable. So it doesn’t matter how blatantly despicable we act.

 

Comic # 18

Lady #1: You seem melancholy, dear. What’s the matter?

Lady #2: Well, I went looking for Jesus like you said to, and I finally found him.

Lady #1: And that’s making you feel down?

Lady #2: It’s just that ever since I found him he won’t stop guilt tripping me into giving him more money.

Lady #1: Yeah, he does that.

 

Comic # 19

Lady #1: What should our number one priority be while there’s a Democrat in the White House?

Lady #2: To make sure he’s completely unable to help anyone in need.

Lady #1: Right. Now remind me again how that doesn’t make us bad guys.

Lady #2: Oh, it does, but we don’t have to worry about that.

Lady #1: And why is that, dear?

Lady #2: Because we have no conscience.

 

Comic # 20

Lady #1: You seem upset again. What’s got your panties in a bunch this time?

Lady #2: The other day I noticed that the long hours and high stress I submit my employees to is burning them out and breaking their bodies.

Lady #1: So what? They’re disposable. Just throw them out int the streets and get new ones to burn through.

Lady #2: That’s what I’ve been doing, but now I have to pay disability and welfare for the people I’ve broken to the point of being unable to work.

Lady #1: Well, let’s just cut as many social programs as possible. Problem solved.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old-fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: Raising the minimum wage will only cause job creators to create less jobs.

Lady #2: Why is that, dear?

Lady #1: Because we’re greedy fucks who only care about ourselves and would gladly kill a baby if we got an extra lobster dinner out of it.

Lady #2: I don’t suppose there’s any point trying to argue the value of human life with you, is there?

Lady #1: Not one God damned bit, no.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I’ve got this book that conclusively proves how wrong libtards’ ideas are.

Lady #2: Oh yeah. I read that book. All it did was state your pre-conceived notions as fact.

Lady #1: Exactly. That’s how objective thought works, right?

Lady #2: No, not at all.

Lady #1: Booyaz! I win!

Lady #2: I honestly don’t know what the hell is going on inside your head.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: Raising the minimum wage will cause job creators to fire workers and create less jobs.

Lady #2: So… by not paying our workers enough to live on we’re actually doing them a favor?

Lady #1: Exactly! We’re causing them inhumane and unnecessary levels of fear, degradation and suffering out of the goodness of our hearts.

Lady #2: Oh, goody! Now I don’t feel unbearable guilt for destroying any chance of them living meaningful lives.

Lady #1: And I don’t feel any guilt for selling them the euphoric substances that help them cope with their oppression.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: AAAAGH! I hate how the liberal media is demonizing rich people for underpaying their workers and overcharging their customers! It’s so unfair. It’s like they’re holding us accountable for the unconscionable economic inequality that we’ve blatantly caused by exploiting the poor.

Lady #2: Just ignore them and hope there isn’t a God who will hold you accountable for the untold misery you’ve inflicted on humanity.

Lady #1: I am God.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: I’m so proud of my bumper sticker I put on my SUV. It says, “Don’t listen to the liberal media.”

Lady #2: Golly, what would you think if you saw a bumper sticker that said, “Don’t listen to the conservative media?”

Lady #1: I’d say the owner of that sticker is a socialist fascist who wants to censor my freedom of speech. Then I’d leave a passive aggressive note on their windshield telling them what a freedom hating piece of shit they are.

Lady #2: So how is what you did any different?

Lady #1: The difference is that since I’m good, anything I do is good. And since liberals are evil, everything they do is evil.

Lady #2: Yes, that kind of thinking is the cornerstone of every Utopian society.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: What’s the purpose of government?

Lady #2: To provide for the needs of the people and help them succeed and make the most out of their lives, of course.

Lady #1: Which people?

Lady #2: The rich, of course.

Lady #1: Of course.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: Nothing makes me madder than government spending. We need to cut it at every corner possible!

Lady #2: So should we eliminate all the government jobs in your home state?

Lady #1: Heavens no! Our economy depends on those jobs.

Lady #2: So how do we cut costs then?

Lady #1: By eliminating pensions for all those government employees.

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1: Companies like McDonalds and WalMart pay their full time employees so little that they have to rely on food stamps to survive. What do you think we should do about that?

Lady #2: Eliminate food stamps.

Lady #1: I suppose that’s what it’s going to take to motivate those lazy bums to work more than one or two full time jobs.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: Corporations are people, right?

Lady #2: Right!

Lady #1: And giving handouts to people is bad, right?

Lady #2: Right!

Lady #1: So isn’t giving subsidies to corporations equivalent to giving food stamps to people who work full time but don’t make enough money to survive?

Lady #2: Must I remind you again that some people are more equal than others?

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: What would you say if I told you that I don’t believe it should be legal for black and white people to marry?

Lady #2: I would say that you’re a racist bigot with archaic ideas about marriage that are based solely on your personal biases as opposed to objective reasoning. Furthermore, I would make a categorical imperative out of others condemning your disdainable outlook.

Lady #1: What would you say if I told you that I don’t believe it should be legal for homosexuals to marry?

Lady #2: I would say that you’re standing up for your principles. You’re an inspiration to us all, and anyone who disagrees with you is a fascist who is trying to censor you, and they should be kicked out of America for being the freedom-hating butt hole that they are.

Lady #1: Funny how that works.

 

Comic # 11

Lady #1: I heard this guy, Glenn Greenwald, saying that both the Republican and Democrat parties are both controlled by the same financial contributors, which means that ultimately there’s really only one political party controlling the United States: the ultra wealthy.

Lady #2: AAAGH! Stuid libtards! Socialists! Fascists! Abortion! Homosexuals! Jesus!

Lady #1: So… that’s all you got?

Lady #2: That’s all I got.

 

Comic # 12

Lady #1: Socrates once said that to be a philosopher you need lots of leisure time.

Lady #2: Philosophy is like thinking, right?

Lady #1: Yes, dear.

Lady #2: Holy shit! We better never give our impoverished workers a moment’s rest!

Lady #1: That’s why I brought it up.

 

Comic # 13

Lady #1: I’m so glad I live in the land of the free. I’d never want to live in any of those oppressive countries where you can’t do what you want.

Lady #2: Speaking of freedom, remind me again why gays can’t marry in America.

Lady #1: Because I don’t want them to.

Lady #2: So that’s how freedom works? People are free to do whatever they want except for what you don’t want them to.

Lady #1: Yep.

Lady #2: That sounds more like the definition of…

Lady #1: Nope. It’s freedom.

 

Comic # 14

Lady #1: I’m building a new Statue of Liberty in Arizona that has a different plaque at the bottom.

Lady #2: What does the new plaque say?

Lady #1: I’ve replaced the inscription that says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door…” with one that says, “You God damned, dirty immigrants aren’t welcome here, and if you’re not white you better carry your citizenship papers with you everywhere you go and be prepared to be harassed by the police at every corner.”

Lady #2: Well, it makes you sound a bit like a racist, xenophobic douche who has never read a history book, but I suppose it works.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: I saw a Muslim on the news burning an American flag and saying that America is waging a holy war against Islam.

Lady #2: Muslims are so silly. I’ve been saying all along we should just bomb them back to the stone age.

Lady #1: But that’s what Obama has been doing… and isn’t Obama a Muslim?

Lady #2: Of course, dear.

Lady #1: But why would a Muslim wage war on Muslims?

Lady #2: Well… Obviously he’s just the worst Muslim ever.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I’m fiscally conservative but socially liberal.

Lady #2: What is that supposed to mean, dear?

Lady #1: It means I want to help everybody except the poor.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: Do you think overcharging our customers and underpaying our workers entitles us to a tax break?

Lady #2: The issue is moot, dear.

Lady #1: Why is that?

Lady #2: Funding politician’ campaigns entitles us to whatever we want.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: Remind me again why we love capitalism and hate socialism so much?

Lady #2: Okay, pretend you’re a worker and not a trust fund baby.

Lady #1: Okay, I’m pretending.

Lady #2: When your boss gets to keep all your money, that’s capitalism. When you get to keep all your money, that’s socialism.

Lady #1: Ahhh. Yep. Better not let that catch on.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: Can you really call a country the land of the free when it has more prisoners than any other country?

Lady #2: Try to stop me.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: Getting all your news from Jon Stewart and “The Daily Show” is exactly the same as getting all your news from Fox News.

Lady #2: I didn’t realize Jon Stewart told so many out-and-out lies.

Lady #1: You were just supposed to agree with my statement, not analyze it.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: Why don’t we let seventeen year olds vote?

Lady #2: Obviously, they’re too god damned stupid to vote responsibly.

Lady #1: But turning 18 doesn’t prove you’re smart.

Lady #2: Why not require voters to take actual competency exams before being allowed to vote? Or why not disqualify senile old people from being able to vote?

Lady #1: …

Lady #2: Oh, wait. Never mind.

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1: My daughter is so excited! This is the first year she’s getting to vote!

Lady #2: Why is she so excited about that?

Lady #1: Because she’s on the Electoral College.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: So explain to me how you plan to do your job.

Lady #2: No, and fuck you for asking.

Lady #1: Well, I’d never hire you to work for me, but I’ll sure vote for you to be president.

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: Things are getting out of hand out there! People are talking about voting for a third party all over the place! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?

Lady #2: Uhhh. Buy them out if they ever get in office.

Lady #1: Oh yeah. I forgot how easy corruption is.

 

Comic # 11

Lady #1: There’s only one thing I hate worse than the liberal news.

Lady #2: What’s that, dear?

Lady #1: How liberals won’t listen to conservative news since they’re all hopelessly biased.