Tag Archives: social anxiety

6 Inaccurate Ways People Judge You

1. By the possession of a college degree

A college degree tells you surprisingly little about a person. Human resource personnel who hire workers like to say that it shows you can commit to something big and follow through. To this I would respond, have you ever joined the military? Have you ever washed dishes at a restaurant? Have you ever cleaned toilets? Pauper’s work isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes more sacrifice and more grit than practically any other job.

Having a college degree tells me you could afford to go to college. Maybe that’s because you were smart enough to get a scholarship. Maybe you got a sports scholarship and got passed through all your classes unfairly. Maybe you were a spoiled frat boy who drank and fucked your way through 4 blurry years of fun and made D’s on half your classes, and the only reason you got that high of a grade is because you cheated. I don’t know. The fact that you have a college degree doesn’t necessarily tell me anything. I don’t even know what you learned. Every college. You could have gone to a worthless school where you didn’t learn anything. You could have had bumbling teachers who spent all semester talking about themselves. You could have majored in music, and while I would admire your musical talent, that wouldn’t have anything to do with what kind of a person you are. Some of the dumbest people I’ve known have had college degrees. Some of them even had doctorates.

"I assure you, an educated fool is more foolish than an uneducated one." Moliere

2. By your rank

You could be a judge who is called “your honor,” a military officer who is called “sir,” a clergyman who is called “father,” a doctor is called “Dr.” or a CEO who commands the subservience of everyone who works for you. I don’t care what your rank is because rank is a social construct awarded by people, who are generally fools. Your rank doesn’t tell me anything about who you are, but if you rub your rank in other people’s faces that tells me immediately that your self-worth is based on the opinions of others and the meaningless symbols they give you. Even if you’re the pope or the president. That doesn’t mean anything to me. You may have proven to your followers that you deserve respect, but I’ll judge you on more than your rank.

3. By your own level of confidence

How great you believe yourself to be is rarely indicative of your greatness. Likewise, an inferiority complex doesn’t necessarily reflect inferiority. The perfect example is gangstas who drive flashy cars and wave guns around. Nobody displays more confidence than a gangsta rapper, but few people are as petty and ignorant as gangsta rappers. On the other end of the scale, great scientists and artists can be extremely hard on themselves and have a low opinion of themselves even though they’ve accomplished more than most people ever will, but it’s their humility that gives them room to grow and motivates them to constantly improve themselves and their skill. Granted, some people create self-fulfilling prophecies by telling themselves they’re strong, capable people or weak, pathetic people. But your opinion of yourself (in and of itself) doesn’t tell me anything about you.

4. Your talent in any one skill

So you’re a great musician, painter, soldier, CEO or medical doctor. Great. Good for you. That tells me that you’re passionate or at least dedicated to one thing, but that’s all it tells me. You could still be the world’s biggest asshole. You could also be a great humanitarian. Your personality could be anything and everything. Just because you’re the best at what you do doesn’t tell me if you deserve respect or pity.

5. By your age

Growing old doesn’t necessarily reflect growing up. Some of the oldest people I know are some of the dumbest people I know. There was a time when growing old was a sign of strength and success. Now growing old is easy. There was a time when growing old gave you the power to beat younger people until they feared and respected you. That time is gone as well. Now you have to earn respect by being a good, intelligent, driven, wise person, and that doesn’t come automatically with age. That’s something you have to work on, and that’s something the young can accomplish as well as the old.

6. By your wealth

There are a lot of ways to make money. Some involve intelligence, a good work ethic, sacrifice, and tenacity, but owning wealth is not mutually exclusive with success, intelligence or integrity. You can be a mean, stupid screw up and still become wealthy, especially if your parents were wealthy and well connected. In fact, some studies suggest that the more wealthy you are the more likely you are to be a heartless bastard. After all, the only way to get money is to take it from someone else. Thus, the formula for success in a capitalist economy is to pay your workers as little as possible while charging your customers as much as possible. This means the world’s richest men are the world’s best thieves.

Every billionaire is guilty of this, but when judging barely rich people you have to look at them on a case by case basis. On the other end of the spectrum, there are a lot of ways to become poor, and being a virtueless bastard is only one of them. The quickest path to poverty is to be born to poor parents in a country where wages are as low as possible while the cost of goods and housing are as high as possible and the cost of higher education is so expensive it creates a glass ceiling. Regardless of what chance of financial success you’re born into, professional success is not the end-all purpose of human existence.  Jesus and Buddha were penniless, and both of their philosophies centered around how much more important it is to be a good than to be rich and powerful. If you’re going to judge the success of a man’s life, wealth and power are not the primary criteria.

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The Futility Of Being Fake

Part of growing up is struggling with confidence and the temptation to act fake to impress people. The benefits of being fake are obvious and endless. It can get you laid, make and keep friends, get you a job, a promotion, a higher social status, awards, and fame. But at the same time, being fake has hidden costs.

The highest cost is that it defeats the purpose of life. You’re here to be you. If you’re not going to be you then there’s little point for you to be here; you’re just killing time until you die. In order to truly live and love you need to be yourself. When you behave genuinely you express and grow your identity, and that’s important. That’s life. Even if you get friends and riches from being fake, it’s a hollow victory. It’s winning a battle but losing the war.

 

"You were born to be real, not perfect. You're here to be you, not to be what someone else wants you to be."

 

Even if people smile to your face and swear they like you, there’s a very good chance that they’ll be lying to you as much as you’re lying to them. People don’t like fake people, and people are experts at spotting fakeness. Even if they want you to be fake to them, and even if they demand that you be fake to them, they’ll always know you as a fake. Even if they genuinely like you in certain ways, they’ll always know you’re a fake, and they won’t be able to respect you as much as they would otherwise.

Even if you make enemies by being yourself, you’ll still have a certain amount of your enemy’s respect because you had the integrity to stand up for yourself and stand for something in the life. Even if they don’t respect you, you can respect yourself, and that’s all that really matters. Everyone takes their self-respect to the grave individually. When we’re dead it doesn’t matter what anyone else thought about us. We go to eternity as individuals, and all we take with us is with us is who we are.

Having said that, there are deeply rewarding social benefits to be gained from being honest and genuine, even if that means closing a few doors and burning a few bridges in the process. If you’re honest with other people, then they’re more likely to be honest with you. Everybody’s exhausted by the pretending game, and it’s a relief to talk to a genuine person you don’t have to wear your heavy glass mask around.

 

When two people’s relationship is defined by mutual dishonesty, then all they’re really doing is using each other to see what they can get from each other. The people you’re dishonest with are effectively tools to you, but when you’re honest with people and they’re honest with you then can truly experience each other’s company. What more could you ask from life than getting to experience the inner warmth and beauty of the people around you? Those are the experiences you cherish most, but you won’t get those by being fake.

Still, nobody wants to look back on their life and see conflict. If you’re genuine with people, eventually someone is going to disagree with you and pull your card. They’re going to test you, and if you don’t tell them what they want to hear they’re going to want to punish you. Sometimes it’s smart to tell a maniac what they want to hear even if you don’t mean it, but in everyday life standing up for yourself will usually just mean that somebody barks at you and then won’t hang around you anymore. It’s a shame that you two human beings couldn’t get along and enjoy experiencing each other’s unique perspective, but that was inevitable.

Regardless of whether or not you’re fake or genuine, there was always going to be a certain percentage of the people you meet in life who were never going to like you, and frankly, they’re doing you a favor by not liking you. There are over six billion people in the world, and most of them have incompatible interests. There’s a very small percentage of the people in the world who have all the right interests, attributes, beliefs, personalities, values, attitudes and skills that click euphorically with yours. Sure, you’ll get along with people from all walks of life, but most of them will bore you. You’ll only meet a few people cut from the same cloth as you who you instantly hit it off with and become soul mates with. You have a very short life to find these potential soul mates and build a lifetime of experiences together before you take your history to the grave forever. You don’t have any time to waste. If somebody gets pissed off at you for being yourself, then you can wish them the best of luck as they fuck off and not waste any more of your precious time.

Before you can meet people whose souls are compatible with yours, you have to become yourself. The only way to become yourself is by being yourself. It takes a lot of mistakes and a lot of practice. Every second you spend not being yourself is time eternally and irrevocably lost that could have been spent becoming more you. Every second you waste is another second that you risk not meeting and clicking with a potential soul mate. This is unfortunate for you and your potential friends and family.

 

 

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You Can’t Hide Your True Face. So Don’t Even Try.

"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what other people thought about you if you realized how seldom they did.” Think about that. Most people walk around agonizing about what other people think of them. They don’t go around agonizing about what they think about you. Nobody is scrutinizing you. Nobody gives a fuck about you. They’re too busy thinking about themselves. So don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about you. You’re under the radar.

Well, you’re not really under the radar. Everyone can see you more clearly than you could imagine. They just don’t generally care about you or your image enough to tell you everything they understand about you.

People don’t need to scrutinize you to see you for who you are. We put so much time and energy into constructing these elaborate masks to present a polished Hollywood image of ourselves to the rest of the world and hide the vulnerable, shattered people we truly are, but the irony in this is that we’re only fooling ourselves.

You can fool a person on a first date. You can fool a person at a job interview. You can fool anyone for a week at most, but the real you will shine through eventually, and people will pick up on the real you much, much, much, much sooner than you’d expect.

We all like to think we’re smooth. We like to think we’re unique snowflakes. We like to think we’re different. But we’re not. People are people. We’re all 99% the same. The differences are barely consequential. This is why advertising works. This is why brainwashing works. This is why self-help books work. This is why our whole society works.

But it doesn’t take a professional psychologist to read you. You’re transparent. Period. I’m transparent. Period. I don’t bother pretending to be anyone but who I am anymore even though I know I’m not perfect because I am who I want to be, as we all are. Apparently, we don’t really want to be perfect, or we would be. Whatever. Fuck it. As long as I like who I am, I’m not going to bother hiding the stains. It wouldn’t do any good if I tried because you’d see through my glass mask eventually. So why expend the extra effort?

So do yourself a favor. Stop hiding, because you’re not really hiding from anyone but yourself. And when someone points out your stains, don’t waste their time with this, “You don’t know me! You don’t know anything about me!” bullshit. You’re not complicated. You’re not special. You’re cut from a generic cookie cutter. What little else there is to know about you, everyone already knows… because you told them all about yourself with your actions.

We know you. And we can see all the stains you’ve wiped all over your face behind your glass mask.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

Growing up and Becoming You
Happiness and Peace
Self-Esteem
Health
Drugs and Addiction
Achieving a Healthy Work/Life Balance
Leadership and Authority
My Tweets About Self-Help