(Comic) How Becoming A Billionaire Works

(Comic) How Becoming A Billionaire Works

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The scene is of a rich businessman and his son standing in a fancy office with a large window overlooking skyscrapers in the heart of a major city.

Father: Son, today I’m going to teach you my secret 7 steps to success.

Son: Okay, but talk to me like I’m an adult. I want the full, uncensored version.

Father: You asked for it. Here we go. Step 1. Inherit a fortune.

Son: I already will, but what if I didn’t?

Father: Then it would suck to be you. Everything is as expensive as it can be, especially the training and education necessary to move up the caste system.

Son: So if you can’t pay up front for life you’re pretty much doomed to tread water half your life?

Father: Some more than others. Now, step 2. Own your own business.

Son: Good thing I’m going to inherit a business and grow up receiving personal training in how to run it. What if I weren’t?

Father: Then start one at all costs because there are only two kinds of people in this world. Those who work for other people and those who have other people work for them.

Son: That makes sense. If you work for someone else then you only have one income stream, but everyone who works for you is another source of income for you.

Father: Good, let’s move on. Step 3: Minimize cost, and maximize profit. This means paying as little as possible to anyone for the things you need from them and charge everyone as much as possible for the things they need from you.

Son: You could have just said, Pay your workers as little as possible and charge your customers as much as possible.

Father: That brings us to step 4. Use slaves.

Son: But slavery is illegal.

Father: Phrase it however you want as long as they do all the work and you keep all the money.

Son: Slavery is usually considered black and white, but I guess it really is a spectrum of degrees.

Father: And you can legally push your workers to the far end, especially if you outsource your jobs to sweatshops, which you should be doing anyway. Now, step 5. Pay as few taxes as possible.

Son: If there are tax havens and loopholes then why not use them?

Father: And how! Now, step 6. Buy influence. Sometimes the law can stand between you and more money, but there’s nothing but formalities standing between you and a politician’s bank account.

Son: The more they rely on your money the more you can rely on them, which means that if they rely on you totally…

Father: Bingo.

Son: That’s a pretty brazen plan. Does your last step address the fact that your heartless grab for money at the expense of human decency will raise eyebrows eventually?

Father: It sure does. Let’s go outside and I’ll demonstrate this one first hand.

The father and son go outside. They are standing in front of an expensive office building where a crowd of protesters is gathered.

Father: Those are protesters over there, and they’ve figured out the secret to our success.

Son: …but instead of using it themselves like they should be, they’re mad that we’re using it!?!?! But these are our workers! Does this mean our time as the foxes of the hen house are over?

Father: Step 7. Always keep an ace in the hole.

Just then a young female wearing baggy clothing and carrying a backpack shouts at the father

Female Protester: Hey Billionaire, you can’t keep drinking our blood forever!

Father: Wait for it…

Just then a chubby, middle age man shouts at the female.

Fat Man: Shut up, commulist hippie! This man is a job creator! Why don’t you go get a job? If you’re unhappy then the problem is you!

Female Protester: You realize you’re part of the 99% we’re trying to help and he’s trying to hurt, right?

Father: Don’t bother, miss. I employed award-winning professional psychologists to design the propaganda this man has been exposing himself to. The techniques we’ve perfected were originally invented by cults, religions, and militaries. I could explain the whole thing to his face and he’d still defend me to the death.

The son looks up to the father.

Son: I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Female Protester: Wow. Just wow.


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