Tag Archives: funny

October 20, 2017

13 Things I Won’t Say Anymore

By wise sloth

13. I will not call a small cup of coffee a “tall” cup of coffee.

The reason Starbucks uses Orwellian doublespeak for its coffee sizes is because some marketing executives held a meeting to figure out how to manipulate people into paying $5+ for 10 cents of liquid, and they decided it would help to change the names of the sizes to sound hipper. Not that I would buy coffee at Starbucks anyway, but if I did I would refuse to act like a mindless consumer whore and give into their hollow marketing ploy. I certainly wouldn’t celebrate it.

 

12. I will not call a medium sized cup of coffee a “vente.”

 

11. Unless I’m in Italy or a Spanish speaking country, I will not call a large cup of coffee a “grande.” 

 

 

10. I will not say “bless you” when you sneeze.

That custom started because the Romans thought your soul escaped your body when you sneezed. At some point, the phrase was stolen by the mythology-worshiping Christians who replaced the mythology-worshiping Romans and everyone started saying it because it just seemed nice. In reality, it’s ultimately pointless. As polite a gesture as it may be, it still reveals one’s unquestioning complicity in holding onto obsolete customs. So if you tell me “bless you” when I sneeze I have to wonder what other dumb (and possibly sinister) customs you’re wasting your life with because your actions are defined by mimicking other unquestioning automatons. You may argue to your death that it’s not a big deal, but point in fact, the world would be a smarter place if we stopped saying, “bless you” when people sneeze.

 

9. I will not address someone with a Ph.D. as “Doctor so and so.” 

People with a Ph.D. will respond to this by saying, “I didn’t go to school for 8 years for nothing.” Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s cool that you went to school for 8 years, and you probably know a few things that I don’t, but that doesn’t obligate me to you in any way. I will not give you a mental hand job, and if you were really so smart you wouldn’t ask me to….since there’s no logical reason to.

 

8. I will not address a judge as “your honor.” 

I don’t care what job you have. That doesn’t automatically make you more honorable than me. For all I know, you may be a terrible person, and even if I do respect you because I know you personally, I still find no logical reason to place you above me.

 

7. I will not address anyone as “sir or ma’am” in a way that signifies their authority over me.

I won’t address my elders, my boss, a military officer, a police officer, a judge, a politician or anyone else with a “higher” title than me as “sir” or “ma’am,” because we were born equals. We’ll spend our lives as equals, and we’ll die as equals. If reason were a religion it would be sacrilegious to address my equals with a higher title than me. I understand that many people say (and believe) that we call our equals “sir and ma’am” out of respect…but it’s funny how the people who tell us to subjugate ourselves “out of respect” are usually in the business of controlling us.

 

6. I will not address or refer to a priest as “father.” 

Even when I was a Christian in high school I understood that Jesus called himself “the son of man” as a sign of humility and taught that “the lowest among you is the greatest.” He praised a girl who washed his feet with her hair and condemned the religious leaders of the day for putting on airs. So a Christian calling another Christian (who is not their biological father) “father” is sacrilegious. Now that I’ve grown up and understand Christianity is mythology and everyone is equal, the idea of calling a priest “father” is even more repulsive.

 

5. I will not call or refer to the Dali Lama “His Holiness.”

He’s not holy. He’s a pissing, shitting, aging, ordinary human like the rest of us. The only things extraordinary about him are how flabby his arms are from never having to lift his silver spoon to his mouth himself in his life and what an unconscionable liar and/or megalomaniac he is for pretending to be a reincarnated ubber man. I don’t care how polite he is or how resolutely he stands for peace and freedom (as if nobody else in the world felt that way). If anyone else expected to be called “His Holiness” for that, we would be calling a mental institute to take them to a padded room.

 

 

4. I will not call America a democracy.

It’s not. It’s a republic. This isn’t stretching the truth. It’s not meant to be disrespectful. Look it up. Would you call Communist China a democracy? No. You wouldn’t because it’s not. So why would you call America a democracy when it’s a republic? If you argue democracies and republics aren’t mutually exclusive, and America contains democratic elements, I would say those elements are so broken they don’t work like a functional democracy. The election system is rigged to concentrate power in the hands of the people who control the RNC and DNC, and those people work for their corporate donors. So America is more like an oligarchy or a corporatocracy than a democracy.

 

3. I will not say or type “LOL” in conversation.

If you can’t see how using “LOL” in conversation makes you look dumb, then you’re probably too dumb to understand the reasons even if they were spelled out for you.

 

2. I will not pledge allegiance to any flag. 

Flags aren’t more important than humans, and any virtuous ideals flags supposedly represent are virtuous because they empower people. When people subjugate themselves to a flag they undermine those values. Not pledging allegiance to a flag does more to promote truth, justice, freedom, and equality than bending the knee to an inanimate object that was pushed on you by the leaders of the country you were arbitrarily born into. I will not disrespect my brothers and sisters in other countries by letting a flag or the manipulative practices of politicians divide us.

 

1. I will not refer to September 11th, 2001 as “9/11.”

“9/11” is a hip media catchphrase. It’s a pop culture buzz word. September 11th, 2001 wasn’t hip. It wasn’t cool. It was a tragedy, and reducing that tragedy to the same level of vocabulary as “LOL” is a disgraceful insult to those who died.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

General Pop Culture
Trending Topics
Movies, Music, and Television
Sports
Art
Fashion
Food and Drinks
Technology
Social Justice Warriors
Liberals and Conservatives
Baby Boomers and The Younger Generations
Racism and Xenophobia
Conspiracy Theories and Theorists
My Tweets About Pop Culture

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October 20, 2017

The Customer Is Not Always Right

By wise sloth

"Am I the only one around here who believes the Golden Rule applies to customer service workers as well?"

 

There’s a mantra in America that says, “The customer is always right.” This idea is so ingrained in American culture, it’s taken for granted by customers and service workers alike. You can walk into almost any business where people make minimum wage, yell at whoever serves you, and they’ll apologize to you. Frankly, I’m a little surprised politicians haven’t written it into law that customers have the right to treat employees like 18th-century slaves.

This traditional American value is flawed for several reasons I thought went without saying, but given the way I see retail and fast food workers getting treated, apparently, this needs to be said. All people are created equal and endowed with the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Your local fast food chain’s company policy doesn’t trump this fact because the value of a human life isn’t determined by employers. The value of human life is determined by the rarity and brevity of its existence. If there is a God, then humans are sacred projections of God’s love and power. If there is no God, then humans are the universe incarnate, an inexplicable miracle 14 billion years in the making. That’s what you’re bullying when you treat a customer service worker like shit. No human being deserves to be treated like that, and you don’t deserve to treat any other human being like a second class citizen who is beneath you.

Sure, you deserve to get your money’s worth when you pay a business for a product or service, but that doesn’t trump your customer service representative’s right to be treated with basic human dignity. This is especially true when your customer service representative is getting paid minimum wage, which is so far below the cost of living it’s wage slavery. They’re not making enough money to live healthily, enjoy luxuries, save for retirement or invest in continuing education. They’re ruining their bodies working as hard and fast as they can with as few rest breaks as the law allows. They’re watching their infinitely valuable and fleeting life end as fast as the clock turns.

For all they sacrifice to bring you a burger, they’re not getting financially compensated to get treated like shit by selfish, spoiled bullies. They endure it though because if they don’t they’ll get thrown out in the streets and die of starvation in the cold. But just because you gave their oppressive employer a few dollars, and they, in turn, gave you permission to kick their wage slaves while they’re down in life, doesn’t mean you have the God-given right or philosophical justification to do so. If you think customer service workers are lazy bums who deserve everything they get, then walk a mile in their shoes and find out how hard and thankless their lives truly are.

We shouldn’t have to have an argument about whether or not you get to treat other people like dirt. You should simply care about people. Most human beings believe in religion, and every religion mentions somewhere in their holy texts that you should love other people. I think Sam Harris (an atheist) put it best when he said, “…every person you have ever met, every person will suffer the loss of his friends and family. All are going to lose everything they love in this world. Why would one want to be anything but kind to them in the meantime?”

 

tim-and-eric-mind-blown

 

Look at life from the point of view of the people who are serving you. They’re sweating and bleeding for you. They’re busting their asses to fill every order as quickly and accurately as possible. Inevitably they’re going to make mistakes, and while it may be in your right to ask politely to have your order modified or remade, you’re inconveniencing your already overworked servants. You’re making their lives harder by sending them back to the kitchen than they’re making your life harder by getting your order slightly wrong. If you’re kind enough to give money to charity at Christmas then why not extend that kindness to let a few mistakes slide? You can take more genuine joy in helping your servers by not making their job harder than you can by getting your order right. The least you can do is not go out of your way to belittle them.

Despite what I’ve said so far about the righteousness of treating other people well, we’re all human. And when you treat people like shit they tend to respond in kind. Customer service workers have to put up with abuse every day at their dead-end jobs that they dread going to and know they won’t have forever. If you consistently inconvenience and bully them, it’s only a matter of time before one of them spits in your food or worse. I won’t say their retribution is right or wrong, but I will say that you brought it on yourself.

Also, be vividly aware that the consequences of your negative behavior don’t stop in the kitchen. Every time you treat someone poorly, you weigh down their mind with another negative experience that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their lives. These experiences add up and color the way they see the world. They can only endure enough abuse before their soul turns dark and they begin lashing out at other people. The people they take out their anger at you on will, in turn, be haunted by their own karma ghosts that will affect how they treat others. That’s how the world turns into a bad place to live. Your childish behavior isn’t just part of the problem. It is the problem.

If you’re truly selfish enough to justify treating other people worse than you expect to be treated, then you need to recognize that this manifestation of your selfishness is merely a symptom of a greater flaw in your character that is affecting other aspects of your life negatively. For your sake as well as everyone else, see a therapist and get help. You and everyone else will be happier for it.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

Predatory Capitalism Creates Poverty
Socialism and Communism
The Life of the Rich
The Life of the Poor
Oppression in the Workplace
Success and Retirement
The Housing Market
Healthcare in America
The Stock Market
Banks
Taxes
Cryptocurrency
Fixing the Economy
My Tweets About Economics

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October 1, 2017

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: The Social Contract

By wise sloth

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

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October 1, 2017

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Does Free Will Exist?

By wise sloth

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life
The Meaning of Life
How to Think Like a Genius
Knowledge and Learning
Biker Philosophy
My Tweets About Philosophy 

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, kid?

KID

Is there such a thing as free will?

OLD MAN

Would it change the way you live if I say yes or no?

KID

I’d feel a lot better if you said yes.

OLD MAN

Then yes, free will exists.

KID

You gotta prove it first.

OLD MAN

Okay, I’m 100% positive that free will does not exist.

KID

But you just said it does exist. What gives?

OLD MAN

The more convinced a person is that they’re right the more likely it is that they’re wrong. So if I’m 100% convinced free will does not exist then it probably does.

KID

OMG! How many logical fallacies were in that statement? Give me some hard evidence.

OLD MAN

Suppose I did make an elegant, logical, convincing argument one way or the other. Supposed you spent the rest of your life trying and failing to disprove my explanation. Suppose I won a Nobel prize for my theory and had it certified as God’s truth by the pope and the Dali Lama. Would any of that make my theory true?

KID

…close enough anyway.

OLD MAN

Wrong.

KID

You’re not going to tell me whether or not free will exists, are you?

OLD MAN

Flip a coin. Heads it does, tails it doesn’t. Either way, life goes on.

KID

Well I say free will doesn’t exist. Our decisions are the product of the casual nature of our environment. Our choices only appear to be ours because we can’t see all the cosmic dominoes hitting us in the back, pushing us this way and that.

OLD MAN

You’re free to think that if you want.

KID

No I’m not.

 

 

OLD MAN

Hmmm. Funny that you just admitted you don’t have total knowledge of how the universe operates yet you’ve completely convinced yourself that you know how the universe operates. I wonder what the chances are you’re wrong.

KID

I see what you did there, and I don’t like it.

OLD MAN

If you’d already made up your mind I don’t see why you came and asked me in the first place.

KID

I figured there was a 50/50 chance you’d reinforce my preconceived expectations. Anyway, I’m still set on the conclusion that free will doesn’t exist. So how do I go on living with the weight of my insignificance ever on my shoulders?

OLD MAN

Do what you were going to do anyway and blame it on fate when you screw up?

KID

Genius!

OLD MAN

Just know that that excuse isn’t going to get you out of trouble with your mother for getting home late tonight.

KID

Curses.

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October 1, 2017

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Philosophy

By wise sloth

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life
The Meaning of Life
How to Think Like a Genius
Knowledge and Learning
Biker Philosophy
My Tweets About Philosophy 

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, kid?

KID

Can you explain philosophy to me?

OLD MAN

Where do you want me to start from?

KID

From the beginning.

OLD MAN

In the beginning, humans were just like all the other dumb animals shivering in the cold, unable to speak or build tools. all we did all day was look for something to eat and someone to fu…aall in love with.  Over generations though, our brains grew, and as our brains grew they got better at thinking. We figured out how to communicate, make tools, devise strategy, form complex relationships, create art, that kind of stuff.

KID

OMG! What does this have to do with anything?

OLD MAN

You wanted me to start at the beginning. So that’s what’s happening. Now try to imagine what life was like for those human beings who were alive just after we learned to talk and write but before history began. They were completely lost and bewildered by the universe. Nothing made sense. What’s the sun? What’s lightning? How are babies made? Why do we get sick? What happens after death? They had all these questions with no answers. So people started asking questions.

KID

So philosophers are people who ask questions?

OLD MAN

Yeah, but that’s oversimplified near the point of being wrong.

KID

What’s that supposed to mean?

OLD MAN

So anybody who builds a house is a carpenter, right?

KID

Sounds about right.

OLD MAN

Well, anyone can nail a few boards together and make a roof over their head, but if you did that you’d end up with a dilapidated shanty that’s going to fall down and kill you in your sleep. It takes a lot more to be a proper carpenter and make a proper house.

KID

I see where you’re going with this. A  philosopher is someone who got a P.H.d. in philosophy and has been published professionally!

OLD MAN

So there weren’t any philosophers before humans invented the P.H.D. or the printing press?

KID

How else can you prove you’re a philosopher?

OLD MAN

Are the only real fighters the ones who win sponsored championship fights?

KID

I guess you can make a living as a fighter without being a household name.

OLD MAN

Are the only real fighters the ones who get paid?

KID

So you’re saying anyone who seriously devotes their life to asking questions about the nature of life and the universe is a philosopher?

OLD MAN

Yeah, but don’t you want to hear the rest of the story?

KID

Well, Veggie Tales doesn’t start for another hour. So I guess I got time to hear this.

OLD MAN

So back in the day, thousands of years before the invention of the printing press, people had all these simple questions about the universe like, “why does it rain?” but they didn’t know all the variables in the equation. So they came up with the best answers they could using the variables they had.

KID

Hold on. Why are we talking about figuring out why rain falls? That’s a scientific question, not a philosophical one.

OLD MAN

You can get a P.H.D. in science. Do you know what P.H.D. stands for?

KID

No.

OLD MAN

It stands for “philosophiae doctor” or “Doctor of philosophy.”

KID

Can’t you get a p.h.d. in religion? Does that mean anyone who asks religious questions is a philosopher too?

OLD MAN

I was just getting to that. Before the discovery of the periodic table of elements, philosophers deduced that rain was caused by magic, monsters and invisible sky people.

KID

How does that make religion philosophy?

OLD MAN

…the same way slapping together a children’s clubhouse out of junk is carpentry. It wouldn’t be incorrect to say that religion, which is just a more flattering word for mythology, was man’s first attempt at philosophy.

KID

So where did philosophy go from there?

OLD MAN

Back when humans didn’t know anything about the universe, any question you asked about pretty much anything was groundbreaking, and we hadn’t divided the body of human knowledge into categories like astronomy, medicine, geology, microbiology, physics, etc.

KID

So it was all just lumped under theoretical philosophy?

OLD MAN

Exactly, and it was pretty chaotic. Alchemists were trying to turn poop into gold. Barbers doubled as doctors. Politicians consulted oracles.

KID

What changed?

OLD MAN

Eventually, humans started noticing patterns in the universe. The moon, stars, and sun moved predictably. Certain medicines worked on certain ailments. Fortune tellers were recognized as frauds, and people noticed prayer worked as effectively as random chance. So people developed a systematic method of analyzing the universe and testing hypotheses for truth.

KID

So philosophy created science. I never thought of it that way before. So if philosophy splintered into science, math, medicine and all that then what do professional philosophers do these days?

OLD MAN

Nowadays they try to answer the questions that don’t fit in any of the boxes the philosophers of yesteryear compartmentalized the universe into. Some of the questions they ask may not even have answers.

KID

That doesn’t sound very useful.

OLD MAN

Does philosophy have to be useful?

KID

Isn’t sitting around congratulating yourself all day for thinking about useless things the same as mental masturbation?

OLD MAN

I can’t disprove that, but the point is moot anyway. Philosophy is useful for lots of things.

KID

Are there any other professions that dogmatically defend their right to be empirically useless while insisting they’re vitally useful?

OLD MAN

…religion?

KID

That reminds me. If theologians study books written by dead prophets to get their P.H.D. in religion then what do philosophers study to get their P.H.D. in philosophy?

OLD MAN

They study logic…and professionally published books written by dead philosophers who had P.H.D.s or some equivalent.

KID

How much time do they spend constantly rehashing the same old tired and suspiciously archaic ideas?

OLD MAN

…all I can say is, some more than others.

KID

Let me come at this from another angle. If I read the whole bible ten times will that make me a Christian?

OLD MAN

…not in and of itself, no.

KID

What if I get a piece of paper saying I studied all those people?

OLD MAN

Give me $70,000, and I’ll give you a piece of paper saying you’re the queen of the universe.

KID

So what do I have to do to prove I’m a real philosopher?

OLD MAN

Take a step back. Life isn’t about proving you’re a philosopher.

KID

So what’s life about then?

OLD MAN

For someone who doesn’t know why you’re here or what you should be doing now that you’re here, life is about using what you’ve got to get life figured out to the best of your ability to live your life as well as possible and leave the world a better place for future humans to do even better for themselves in.

KID

Great! Now give me step by step instructions on how to do that.

OLD MAN

If you believe everything I tell you then you’ll be a follower. If you put everything you learn to the test of truth and continue positing your own questions, answering them and challenging them then you’ll be a philosopher.

KID

So which questions should I start with?

OLD MAN

I’d start by asking myself what the most important question I can ask myself is and then work down from there.

KID

So when do I get to start congratulating myself for asking useless questions and rubbing in other people’s faces how I can quote more archaic books than them?

OLD MAN

You’ll have to use your own discretion to balance that between how much time you have in this life, how much suffering is in the world and how much you care about solving the real world problems that cause people to suffer.

KID

One last question. If I have the mental capacity to solve real-world problems and help people, does that mean I have an obligation to?

OLD MAN

Good question. You may make a philosopher yet.

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October 1, 2017

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Religions

By wise sloth

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, kid?

KID

Can you explain religion to me?

OLD MAN

Which one?

KID

…all of them.

OLD MAN

Well Christians say Hindus worship mythology, and Hindus say Christians worship mythology. Mormons say Muslims worship mythology, and Muslims say Mormons worship mythology…

KID

Hold the phone. Are you saying all religion is mythology?

OLD MAN

I’m just pointing out that there’s a consensus among all the religions…except maybe Caodaism…that religion is mythology.

KID

But one of them has to be right, look at how many people believe!

OLD MAN

By your reasoning the religion with the most believers must be the true one, but that changes from time to time.

KID

So what happens if the one true religion changes after you die?

OLD MAN

…my point exactly.

KID

Can’t I count on God to lead me to the one true religion?

OLD MAN

That approach will most likely lead you to the religion that has the most social influence in the area you were raised in.

KID

Isn’t there any reliable way to test for truth?

OLD MAN

…the scientific method?

KID

But I read on Facebook that science is evil and unreliable!

OLD MAN

Do you believe water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit? Do you believe light travels at 186,282 miles per second? Do you believe the planets orbit the sun? Do you believe volcanos are caused by magma bursting through the earth’s crust? Do you believe in gravity? Do you believe drinking Drano will kill you, and do you even know the science behind why drinking Drano will kill you?

KID

Yes to all the questions except the last one.

OLD MAN

Believing in science 99% of the time and then contradicting yourself the one time you need a cop-out excuse isn’t a valid form of argument. That’s a defense mechanism.

KID

Why are you so mean to religious people?

OLD MAN

I just pointed out the obvious. You’re the one that shot the messenger, which again, is a defense mechanism.

KID

So science isn’t evil…it’s just indifferent, like a neutral, objective third party?

OLD MAN

It has to be since the whole point of science is to study an indifferent universe.

KID

So which religion passes this objective test for truth that we rely on in every other aspect of our lives?

OLD MAN

Just to be clear, can we rephrase that question to ask which religious book passes the same test for truth we rely on in every other aspect of our lives?

KID

Do we really need to make that distinction?

OLD MAN

We can fact check words that are written down and hold them accountable. Arguing over what you personally feel your religion is to you is like arguing with a bipolar ghost with multiple personality disorders who is in denial.

KID

Okay, drama queen. So which religious book passes the test of scientific inquiry?

OLD MAN

None of them.

KID

So you’re saying God isn’t real?

OLD MAN

I didn’t say that.

KID

So you’re saying there is a god, but the one true prophet has yet to transcribe the true word of the lord through divine inspiration?

OLD MAN

I definitely didn’t say that.

KID

Why can’t you give me a straight answer?

OLD MAN

…You could ask God the same question.

KID

I pray every night, and God never answers.

OLD MAN

…well there you go.

KID

Does that prove God doesn’t exist?

OLD MAN

Dead dads and deadbeat dads are indistinguishable to orphans.

KID

What if God is like a rich, loving dad who only seems to have abandoned his children when in reality he let them leave the nest to grow up on their own?

OLD MAN

I’m just curious, do the orphans have to know or believe who their dad is in order to receive their inheritance? Or will the dad throw them in the gutter if they don’t figure out who he is before he comes to bail them out of the orphanage he stranded them in?

KID

That dad sounds like a douche bag, and the bible says, “A father’s love is a love without end, amen.”

OLD MAN

You may be surprised to learn that several self-proclaimed prophets wrote down in some pretty popular religious books that God is, as you say, a douche bag.

KID

Well, if a self-proclaimed prophet wrote it down then it must be true. I mean, how can we understand the nature of the universe or the difference between right and wrong without prophets to teach us our creator’s expectations for us?

OLD MAN

…are we still ignoring the fact that there’s a consensus among all the prophets that religion is mythology?

KID

Yes.

OLD MAN

You want rules? Here you go. Rule number one. Don’t put your hand on a hot stove.

KID

Did a prophet write that rule down?

OLD MAN

Did we need one to?

KID

We need someone to tell us how to live.

OLD MAN

…spoken like a true victim of battered-person syndrome.

KID

I don’t know what that means, but I stand by my statement.

OLD MAN

Then maybe you should worship the I.R.S. It’s got millions of rules, and they’re constantly being updated.

KID

The I.R.S. is evil. They take all your money, and their rules don’t even make sense half the time.

 

OLD MAN

…Funny how often that happens when one person gets to tell another person how to live.

KID

The fact remains, I can’t be held responsible for deciding how to live.

OLD MAN

…then what’s the point of leaving the nest?

KID

…to learn obedience?

OLD MAN

…you mean like a slave?

KID

God gave us the free will to choose to accept or reject him.

OLD MAN

Telling people, “Do what I say or die.” doesn’t give them free will. It gives them a tyrannical ultimatum.

KID

Is there anything we can know for sure outside of what the prophets told us?

OLD MAN

…so far water has frozen at 32 degrees Fahrenheit every time I’ve checked.

KID

Ah Ha! If that’s an unchangeable rule then God must have made it!

OLD MAN

…which god was that then?

KID

If a rose is a rose by any other name then so is the force that determines the freezing point of water.

OLD MAN

…then why name the rose at all?

KID

I need a concrete answer to bring closure to this issue, and you haven’t given me any yet.

OLD MAN

…are you talking to me or god?

KID

The point is there has to be more to life than being stranded in an indifferent universe where you have to figure out everything for yourself and take responsibility for your own conclusions.

OLD MAN

…you say that like it’s a bad thing. You seem to be navigating life just fine so far, and you can’t even quote a religious book accurately. Is this really about defending religion?

KID

I’m just scared of death, and I’m projecting my fears the only way my elders taught me to. But mainly I’m afraid of going to hell. Isn’t it better to wager on religion and be wrong than wager against it and be wrong?

OLD MAN

So which religion do you wager on?

KID

…The one that makes the best promises and the worst threats?

OLD MAN

…and fails the test of science and takes all your money and has a bunch of rules that don’t even make any sense?

KID

But if I strip away all my preconceived beliefs then what am I left with?

OLD MAN

…freedom?

KID

Are you the devil trying to trick me?

OLD MAN

I could ask you the same question, but if you’re constantly disagreeing with the people whose job it is to indifferently, objectively point out the obvious then at some point you might consider the possibility that the source of the confusion is that you’re wrong.

KID

I’m going to have to go home and think about this.

OLD MAN

…funny you were created with the capacity to do that.

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October 1, 2017

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: What Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg?

By wise sloth

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten year old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, KID?

KID

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

OLD MAN

Is the chicken a male or female?

KID

A female, duh. Male chickens don’t lay eggs.

OLD MAN

So which came first, the female chicken that laid the egg or the male chicken that impregnated the female chicken?

KID

There would have to be two more chicken to have them…and two before them…and two before them.

OLD MAN

You figured it out. There’s chickens all the way down.

KID

Well, let’s say time only stretches into the future.

OLD MAN

You’re assuming time exists.

KID

Seeing as how I have to be home at six, and this is taking longer than I thought, let’s assume time exists. So where did the first two chickens come from?

OLD MAN

…the same place as everything else?

KID

So what existed before everything else?

OLD MAN

…Potential?

KID

What about time? Did that exist before anything else?

OLD MAN

Potentially.

KID

Was the universe born from its own potential?

OLD MAN

Well, if you’re going to assume the universe had a beginning, or a birth as you put it, I reckon you can assume whatever else you want.

KID

How could it not have a beginning?

OLD MAN

You don’t want time to have an end, but you expect it to have a beginning?

KID

Which option gives me and the chickens a definite beginning in time and an eternal future?

OLD MAN

The beginning of time is the end of time. The chicken is the egg. Time and space are a loop.

KID

I’ll take it.

OLD MAN

Got any more questions?

KID

Well… I had one, but I guess you sorta already answered it.

OLD MAN

Yeah, what was that?

KID

If God created the universe then who created God?

OLD MAN

…assuming there is a god.

KID

I’m going home now.

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October 1, 2017

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: How To Grow Up

By wise sloth

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey, mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, kid?

KID

Can you explain how to grow up to me?

OLD MAN

Where do you want me to start from?

KID

From the beginning.

OLD MAN

If you don’t define your end goal you can’t define the process to achieve it. So the first thing you have to do is define what a grown up is.

KID

So what’s a grown up?

OLD MAN

You’re assuming there’s really such thing as a grown up. It might just be a term that old people invented to subjugate young people.

KID

I’m not buying it. There’s definitely a difference between me and my mom.

OLD MAN

Well, your mom has learned how to survive in the particular environment she lives in, and she’s taken responsibility for her survival as well as yours. So there’s that, but it doesn’t necessarily make her a higher form of life than anyone who made the mistake of being born after her.

KID

So all I have to do to grow up is learn how to survive and take responsibility for my survival? I’m already learning all that in school. Does that mean all I have to do to grow up is graduate?

OLD MAN

The skills necessary to survive change every day as technological advancements, social, political and economic evolution change the world we live in. So by your reasoning, if and when the skills you learned in school become obsolete then you’ll regress back to childhood….assuming you went to a good school and actually learned everything your teachers taught you in the first place. You would also revert to childhood if you moved to a foreign country where your life skills aren’t applicable.

KID

Is all that really true?

OLD MAN

…only if you choose to define adults and children by mastery of their environment.

KID

But what’s the point of it all if I’m just surviving to grow up and growing up to survive?

OLD MAN

…maybe there’s more to life than becoming the prefect product of your environment.

KID

Like what?

OLD MAN

Like becoming yourself.

KID

Why’s that important?

OLD MAN

It’s the same for you and me as it is for a flower. You grow to your full potential and bloom, not because it accomplishes anything else in the world but just for the sake of experiencing the majesty of existing for its own sake, and since what you experience is defined by who you are then in order to experience life to its fullest potential you have to become you to your fullest potential.

KID

So that’s what it means to be a grown up? you have to become you to the fullest extent possible?

OLD MAN

…only if you choose to define adults and children by their level of self actualization.

KID

By that definition are you an adult?

OLD MAN

I’m not dumb enough to claim to be anything but lost, but if you want some good examples of people I’d consider grown ups then study Leonardo Da Vinci, Socrates, Benjamin Franklin, Confucius, people like that.

KID

I don’t know all of those people, but the ones I do know were really, really smart. I mean, they were born smart. I won’t ever be that smart.

OLD MAN

If you put as much effort into studying as you do making excuses and defending where you’re at you could become smarter than all those people put together.

KID

Would you just tell me what I need to study to grow up and become myself like those guys did?

OLD MAN

Just study what those guys studied.

KID

What did they study?

OLD MAN

Everything.

KID

When do I finish my studies?

OLD MAN

Never.

KID

But if I never finish then what’s the point?

OLD MAN

Everything you will ever think or do is based on your knowledge. The more you know the more you are and the more you can do. The less you know the less you are and the less you can do.

KID

But where will all that knowledge get me?

OLD MAN

It’ll bring you back to where you started and you’ll know where you are. Then you’ll have perspective. With perspective you’ll have direction, and with direction your actions will finally have meaning.

KID

What if I’d rather do something else with my life?

OLD MAN

That’s up to you, but how can you define your wants if you haven’t defined yourself?

KID

How can I be anyone but myself?

OLD MAN

A seed is not a flower.

KID

What about the wants I have right now? Aren’t they valid?

OLD MAN

Sure. Just remember that whatever path you take, you bet your life on.

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October 1, 2017

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: The Meaning Of Life

By wise sloth

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby pestering him with questions.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life
The Meaning of Life
How to Think Like a Genius
Knowledge and Learning
Biker Philosophy
My Tweets About Philosophy 

TRANSCRIPT

 

KID

Hey Mister!

OLD MAN

What do you want, Kid?

KID

Can you explain life to me?

OLD MAN

Where do you want me to start from?

KID

From the beginning.

OLD MAN

Okay, now look. If I offered you 100 billion dollars to do it, and I promised to kill your whole family if you didn’t then would you do it?

KID

Um, yeah.

OLD MAN

That’s right. You wouldn’t even have to think about it or work up the motivation because there would be no choice There’d just be one path in front of you.

KID

The heck does this have to do with life?

OLD MAN

If you don’t understand how important life is or why then you won’t have the appropriate motivation to take life as seriously as you should. Then you won’t put the appropriate amount of effort into living, but if you truly, truly understood the value of life then you wouldn’t have to debate with yourself or work up the strength to sacrifice any of the relative temptations of the world to pursue life’s highest purpose. Your motivation would be so strong there’d only be one choice, one path before you. So the first lesson you need to learn about life is how valuable it is and why.

KID

Cool beans. So how valuable is life?

OLD MAN

How old are you, kid?

KID

I’m ten and a half years old going on eleven.

OLD MAN

No you’re not. You’re closer to 14 billion years old. All the stuff in your body was there at the Big Bang. Galaxies rose and fell around you as you floated to a place where the atoms in your body could finally come together in a way that makes you, you.

KID

So you’re saying I was meant to be here since the beginning of time?

OLD MAN

…that or you’re infinitely lucky to be here.

KID

So I’m either destined or lucky to come all this way just to die!? What’s the point of existing for a second if I’m not going to exist forever? Doesn’t the brevity of life make life pointless?

OLD MAN

The finite amount of time you get to live here is infinitely valuable because of its scarcity alone. You asked me how valuable life is. Well, here’s my answer. It’s infinitely valuable.

KID

Gosh, that’s a burden of responsibility bordering on a guilt trip.

OLD MAN

…ironic that it’s coming from an indifferent universe. Anyway, given that every second of your short, irreplaceable life is infinitely valuable, that makes the following question infinitely important: What’s the most important thing you can do with your life?

KID

I don’t know how to read a clock much less answer that question.

OLD MAN

Then find someone who knows the meaning of life and ask them.

KID

Who knows the meaning of life?

OLD MAN

Nobody.

KID

In all of human history?

OLD MAN

Nobody. Ever. Anywhwere. Did you get an instruction book to life when you were born that explained everything? No, well, nobody else did either. Nobody has any idea what’s going on. There are no experts, no authorities, no grown ups.

KID

My mom knows the answer to any question I ask her. And if she didn’t know what’s right and wrong then how could she spank me for doing wrong?

OLD MAN

We might get taller, and we might memorize a lot of facts, but philosophically we’re al stuck at 5 years old guessing at life and faking our maturity level until we start believing whatever it is we’re doing is what humans are supposed to be doing.

KID

So…you’re saying you’re not the person to ask about the meaning of life?

OLD MAN

Ask as many people as many questions as you can, but never take anything for granted, because you’re fate is your responsibility. It’s up to you to figure out the meaning of life.

KID

But you just said nobody ever figured it out.

OLD MAN

…sucks, don’t it?

KID

So that’s life? You’re born lost. The End. Hope it don’t suck to be you.

OLD MAN

You watch too much anime. So what if we don’t know why we’re here? The point is we’re still here. We still gotta do something. Since we don’t have anything more important to do than figure out what we’re supposed to be doing then we may as well spend our lives figuring that out.

KID

But if we can’t figure out why we’re here then how do we figure out what to do now that we’re here?

OLD MAN

There are things we can know about ourselves and the universe we’ve found ourselves stranded in. The more of those things we know the better we can live. We might not be able to prove we lived ight according to the ultimate maxim, but we can do something good with what we’ve got, and that which a man can do he should do.

KID

Sounds good. So where do I start my education?

OLD MAN

You can’t understand how a car works until you understand the parts that make up a car. Same thing with life. And what’s life then? Life is being a walking, talking, breathing, thinking creature stranded in this great, big, beautiful, lonely, indifferent universe.

KID

So I should become a mechanic? Got it.

OLD MAN

If you want to understand life then you gotta understand the universe that gave birth to you and that you live in. Learn all the science you can, because that’ll teach you the facts that everything else is built on.

KID

So once I become a super scientist then where do I point my telescope to start studying the meaning of life?

OLD MAN

That grass you’re standing on is alive. Why don’t you just ask it?

KID

Hey grass! why are you alive? It didn’t answer.

OLD MAN

Did it do anything?

KID

No. It just sat there and grew.

OLD MAN

Well there you go then.

KID

Are you saying the meaning of life is to just sit here and grow?

OLD MAN

I’m just pointing out what life does.

KID

But our lives would be pointless if all we did was just get big, grow old and die like grass.

OLD MAN

So you’re saying this grass’s life is meaningless?

KID

The life of grass has meaning because it’s a part of the food chain.

OLD MAN

…and whatever life form is at the top of the food chain has the most meaningful life, right?

KID

Exactly, but does that mean if more advanced aliens come along it’ll make my life worthless?

OLD MAN

But does that mean if more advanced aliens come along it’ll make my life worthless?

KID

Okay, I take that back. Life is inherently valuable to each individual life form simply because it’s alive.

OLD MAN

Now that that’s settled the grass is still growing into taller grass. What are you growing into?

KID

A taller human?

OLD MAN

That’s your body. What about your mind? What about your identity?

KID

I am what I am.

OLD MAN

That’s good that you acknowledge you’re a product of your environment. Now you need to acknowledge that you’ve yet to blossom into a significantly independent identity.

KID

Do they teach how to do that in school?

OLD MAN

I’d suggest enrolling in some online psychology classes.

KID

Now are you saying the meaning of life is to be a psychologist?

OLD MAN

The grass is here to be grass, and you’re here to be you. If you have questions about how to be you then I suggest you talk to the people who study “yous.”

KID

That’s painfully logical. So who am I supposed to be trying to become while I’m here?

OLD MAN

I suspect the point is that you get to pick.

KID

There’s no wrong answer?

OLD MAN

Well, you’re the one who is going to have to live with yourself. so You get what you got.

KID

So that’s life then?

OLD MAN

…I didn’t say to take my word for it.

 

 

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October 1, 2017

An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Is Man Inherently Good Or Evil?

By wise sloth

This is a mini-series of comics about a naive but curious ten-year-old boy who pesters a crude but wise old man while he sits on the steps to their dingy New Jersey apartment building trying to read the newspaper.

 

An old man sits on the steps to his dingy New Jersey apartment reading a newspaper. A naive but curious ten year old boy stands on the grass nearby about to ask a question.

If you enjoyed this post, you’ll also like these:

 

An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life
The Meaning of Life
How to Think Like a Genius
Knowledge and Learning
Biker Philosophy
My Tweets About Philosophy 

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Kid: Hey Mister!

Old Man: What do you want, kid.

Kid: Is man inherently good or evil?

Old Man: What’s good, and what’s evil?

Kid: I don’t know. I guess whatever God says.

Old Man: Which god is that then?

Kid: Don’t all religions basically say the same thing?

Old Man: And what do they say then?

Kid: To do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Old Man: They also tend to say that women and slaves should be obedient. Is that good?

Kid: Heck no. All people were created equal.

Old Man: Did God say that?

Kid: Didn’t He?

Old Man: Did He need to?

Kid: Didn’t He?

Old Man: Did God need to say that 2+2=4 for that to be true?

Kid: Does it matter? It’d still be true either way.

Old Man: What if I told you that 2+2=5?

Kid: Then I’d tell you you’re wrong.

Old Man: How do you know that?

Kid: Logic. Duh.

Old Man: Great. So what does logic say the difference between good and evil is?

Kid: Well, what’s good for people is good, and what’s bad for people is bad.

Old Man: I asked you to use logic, not circular logic.

Kid: What do I know about logic? I’m just a kid. Just tell me the final answer so I can get home and watch TV.

Old Man: Well, first you need a frame of reference to measure good and evil against.

Kid: What kind of frame of reference?

Old Man: The ultimate goal of life, what it’s all leading up to.

Kid: …like the meaning of life.

Old Man: Exactly.

Kid: So what’s the meaning of life?

Old Man: Nobody knows, and even if they thought they did couldn’t empirically prove they’re right.

Kid: Can’t we prove the meaning of life using logic?

Old Man: You can come up with all sorts of logical explanations for the meaning of life. You just can’t empirically prove any of them are right.

Kid: So we can’t be sure if we’ll ever know the true meaning of good and evil?

Old Man: We can’t even prove there is a true meaning of good and evil.

Kid: So what the heck are we doing here? How does the world function without a universal moral compass?

Old Man: Some would say the world isn’t doing a good job of functioning.

Kid: So how can we know if man is inherently good or evil if we can’t prove what good and evil are?

Old Man: Who said man is inherently good or evil?

Kid: You know, that old saying.

Old Man: Maybe you shouldn’t base your perception of reality on old sayings.

Kid: Look, people have to be inherently something.

Old Man: Well, we’re born ignorant if that helps.

Kid: Hey! ignorance doesn’t help you do anything. So ignorance is bad, and if ignorance is bad…and we’re ignorant…then we’re bad.

Old Man: But we’re also born with the capacity to learn and reason. We even know how to suckle without having to be taught. If ignorance is evil then our inherent capacity for intelligence makes us inherently good.

Kid: But babies are still inherently evil though, right? Since they don’t know nothing?

Old Man: There’s some who would agree that babies are evil, and there’s some who wouldn’t, but what does it matter?

Kid: It matters because I need to know what to do with my life.

Old Man: I’d suggest learning as much as possible and spending the rest of your life contemplating the meaning of life.

Kid: Ugh. That sounds like a lot of work.

Old Man: …and?

Kid: …and that sucks.

Old Man: Does it?

Kid: Yeah, it’s not fair!

Old Man: Isn’t it?

Kid: You’re hopeless. I’m going home.

Old Man: Okay. Well, be good for your mother.

Kid: Whatever.

The End.

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