(Comic) How Congressional Elections Work

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TRANSCRIPT

A man is standing in front of the White House talking to an elephant and a donkey.
MAN
I’m going to run for Congress or maybe even president…but I don’t even know where to begin.
ELEPHANT AND DONKEY
We can help!
MAN
What exactly can you do for me?
ELEPHANT
We’ll take care of all the registration paperwork and red tape. We’ll give you brand recognition
and manage your campaign.
DONKEY
But most importantly- we’ll connect you with investors.
MAN
Wait. What does a politician need investors for?
ELEPHANT
He didn’t say “investors.” He said, “Donors.”
DONKEY
Of course, your donors will expect you to represent their interests once you’re in office.
MAN
I’m going to represent my voters’ interest once I’m in office.
ELEPHANT
Exactly! You just have to appreciate that your donors are voting with their dollars.
DONKEY
And each dollar equals one vote.
MAN
So what if these financial voters want me to do something that’s not in the public voter’s interest?
ELEPHANT
Well, I mean, you have to ask yourself who helped you win all those public votes.
DONKEY
Also, consider that your financial voters can vote you out with their money next election if they
need to.
MAN
I don’t know. IT just kind of seems like a conflict of interest. It almost seems like bribery…or
even extortion.
ELEPHANT
You new guys are so cute. It’s not bribery or any of that. IT’s called playing ball.
DONKEY
And everyone who plays is a winner.
MAN
So I guess I’ll need to present my platform to these donor-investor-voters so they can decide
whether they want to vote for me or my opponent.
ELEPHANT
…No. Your platform is to win. The less you stand for the fewer faults anyone can find in you.
See, this is why we write all your speeches for you. So you don’t make mistakes like that.
DONKEY
Anyway, the big donors vote on every candidate just to make sure their interests are represented
no matter who wins.
MAN
That’s some unethical bullshit right there. I’m running against you as an independent.
ELEPHANT
Well, it was nice knowing you.
DONKEY
I hope you enjoyed your time in politics.

THE END