The Wise Sloth

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

 

COMIC # 1

Woman #1:  Do you want to know the cornerstone of my political philosophy?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: Fiscal responsibility! I don’t want the government to spend one cent more than it absolutely has to.

Woman #2:  Are you saying we should reduce the size of our excessively gargantuan military then?

Woman #1: Well, does the military kill poor people?

Woman #2: Yep.

Woman #1: Then it’s a justified expense.

 

COMIC # 2

Woman #1: The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms so the civilian population can fight off tyranny if its government ever turns on its own people.

Woman #2: But do you support the troops?

Woman#1: Hells Yeah! Nobody better ever question the military or cut a penny out of the defense budget!

Woman #2:  Hmmm. Remind me again how you’re going to fight the world’s largest and most advanced military with a few pistols and a shotgun?

Woman #1: …Uhhhhhhh….

Woman #2:  Take your time, dear.

 

COMIC # 3

Woman #1: I’m mad as hell at how every liberal in the country fully supports that one corrupt thing that one corrupt democratic politician did that one time.

Woman #2: Do they really?

Woman#1: Well, probably. They’re all retards after all.

Woman #2:  Do you get mad as hell every time every conservative in the country supports every corrupt thing every Republican politician ever does?

Woman #1: Do you mean, do I hate patriotism? No, dumbass.

 

COMIC # 4

Woman #1: Did you hear how the Democrats want to give everything away for free to everyone without anyone ever having to work or pay for anything?

Woman #2: …No…because that never happened.

Woman#1: …I’m just going to keep saying it though.

Woman #2:  We know, dear. We know.

 

COMIC # 5

Woman #1: You know what my two favorite things in the world are?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: My guns and my Bible!

Woman #2:  What kind of gun did Jesus own?

Woman #1: Dumbass. Everybody knows Jesus didn’t own a gun.

Woman #2: And why didn’t he own a gun?

Woman #1: …because they hadn’t been invented yet. Duh.

 

COMIC # 6

Woman #1: Well, dear. I hate to say it, but I’m moving to New Zealand.

Woman #2: Why the fuck would you ever want to leave the greatest country on earth?

Woman#1: It’s just that New Zealand requires you to pass a psychiatric exam before you’re allowed to own a gun.

Woman #2:  Fuck that bullshit! Nobody’s taking my guns! Not over my dead body! I’ll kill any mother fucker who tries! You do not want to fuck with me! I’m not fucking around here! I swear to fucking Christ! Don’t tread on me! Wooooo!

Woman #1: Yeah, so….I’ll send you a postcard.

 

COMIC # 7

Woman #1: Liberals are such hypocritical, fascist pig fuckers!

Woman #2: What did they do this time, dear?

Woman#1: They just keep asking questions about the Republican presidential candidate. It’s like they want to know everything about him. It’s crazy!

Woman #2:  How did you think political elections worked?

Woman #1: Don’t you get sassy with me, missy.

Woman #2: Here, I’ve got a tissue in my purse.

 

COMIC # 8

Woman #1: You know what I hate more than anything else in the world?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: Government mandated redistribution of wealth!

Woman #2:  What do you love more than anything else in the world?

Woman #1: A brutally regressive tax code!

 

COMIC # 9

Woman #1: I really fucking hate how liberals…

Woman #2: Can we please talk about something else?

Woman#1: No.

 

COMIC # 10

Woman #1: America is a Christian nation and always has been!

Woman #2: …said no Native American ever.

Woman#1:  They don’t count.

Woman #2:  Why is that, dear?

Woman #1: Because they’re heathens. That’s why.

Woman #2: Ah, I see how this works.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

COMIC # 1

Woman #1: I hate everyone who isn’t exactly like me so much I’ll literally deny them the same human rights as me, and I’ll constantly advocate killing them.

Woman #2: You scare me sometimes.

Woman#1:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGAGHAGHAGHAGH! You have no right to judge me!

 

COMIC # 2

Woman #1: Did you hear about that time Obama gave a bunch of tax payers’ money to those corrupt big businesses?

Woman #2: I sure did. There’s only one other time I’ve ever been that mad in my entire life!

Woman#1:  When was that, dear?

Woman #2:  That time Obama tried to lower the taxes the owners and C.E.O.s of those corrupt businesses have to pay.

 

COMIC # 3

Woman #1: I read on the internet that Republicans and Democrats are just different sides of the same coin, and demonizing one group really accomplishes nothing but distracting attention from the real source of the problem: the systemic corruption of the American political system, particularly campaign finance contributions and lobbying….are you even listening to me?

Woman #2: Huh? Yeah, sure. You said all Democrats are demons.

 

COMIC # 4

Woman #1: Did you hear that hate-filled vitriolic rant that one liberal shock jock was spewing about conservatives on the radio this morning?

Woman #2: I sure did. When is the persecution of conservatives ever going to end?

Woman#1:  What was that D.J.’s name again?

Woman #2:  Uuhhhhhh. I can’t remember his name off the top of my head.

Woman #1: That’s because he doesn’t exist.

 

COMIC # 5

Woman #1: Did you hear about this new presidential candidate who wants to remove all government regulations that prevent the 1% from screwing the 99%?

Woman #2: No, but I’m totally voting for him now!

Woman#1:  Tricked you! He calls himself a Libertarian, not a Republican.

Woman #2:  Damn! Oh well. The Republican party is still endorsing a candidate from the 1%, right?

Woman #1: Yeah, but he’s a Mormon who follows a false prophet…and he lacks confidence.

Woman #2: Damn! Voting would have been so much easier if Obama would have just called himself a Republican.

 

COMIC # 6

Woman #1: You seem sad, dear. What’s the matter?

Woman #2: I can’t figure out who I hate more: Obama or the Occupy Wall Street Protesters.

Woman#1:  Didn’t Obama quietly consent to all the blood and tears the police beat out of the Occupy Wall Street protesters’ faces?

Woman #2:  Oh God! I don’t know what to believe anymore. How can I hate a man after my own heart?

Woman #1: Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think.

 

COMIC # 7

Woman #1: Want to hear a joke?

Woman #2: Sure thing, dear.

Woman#1:  What’s more important: The environment or corporate profits?

Woman #2:  AHAHAAHAAAHAHAAHA!

Woman #1:  It’s funny because it’s a trick question. Nothing is more important than corporate profits!

 

COMIC # 8

Woman #1: You know who the most persecuted group in America is?

Woman #2: Homosexuals, prostitutes, drug addicts, illegal immigrants, anyone who looks remotely Middle Eastern, felons, dishonorably discharged veterans, people without college degrees, entry level customer service workers, Native Americans, anyone who lives in the ghetto, atheists living in the Bible Belt? Am I close?

Woman#1:  Nope. It’s conservative Christians.

Woman #2:  Ah, how did I miss that?

Woman #1: I don’t know. It’s a statistical fact.

 

COMIC # 9

Woman #1: So I was cramming my religious beliefs down this atheist’s throat the other day.

Woman #2: …as usual…

Woman#1:  When all of a sudden he told me Christianity is mythology and I should stop wasting my life believing in easily falsifiable, primitive fairy tales!

Woman #2:  How judgemental! Atheists should respect other people’s rights to have their own beliefs.

Woman #1: I told him that. I also told him he’s going to burn in hell for all eternity.

Woman #2: Yep. That’s what happens if you don’t believe in zombies.

 

COMIC # 10

Woman #1: You know what I hate most about Obama?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1:  Every time anyone complains about him legitimately screwing up…he pulls the race card to deflect valid criticism!

Woman #2:  You know what I hate most about Obama?

Woman #1: What’s that, dear?

Woman #2: He looks like a monkey.

 

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: I just found out the name of the politician who is going to represent me in government!

Lady #2: What’s his platform, dear?

Lady #1: He’s not really saying.

Lady #2: Tell me everything about his past then.

Lady #1: He says its nitpicky to ask.

Lady #2: How do you know he’s going to represent you if you don’t know what he stands for?

Lady #1: The television said that anyone who doesn’t have unquestioning faith in him is naive and ungrateful.

Lady #2: Well, if they said it on television then it must be true I suppose.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I read this self-help book about arguing to help me argue with libtards on the internet.

Lady #2: What did it say, dear?

Lady #1: …that if you have to yell to win an argument you’re probably wrong, and the first person to make a personal attack isn’t arguing for truth but rather to avoid listening.

Lady #2: …well, fuck.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: My favorite president of all time is Ronald Reagan!

Lady #2: Why is that, dear?

Lady #1: Well…

Lady #2: What would you say if I told you I don’t actually know why?

Lady #1: …that I’m not surprised.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: Who’s the better role model, Ayn Raynd or Jesus Christ?

Lady #2: When I was younger I would have said Jesus, but now that I’m older and wiser I realize Jesus was embarrassingly naive.

Lady #1: How’s that, dear?

Lady #2: Every enlightened, modern conservative understands that sociopathic selfishness is the key to job creation and thus prosperity for all…though I do agree with what Jesus said about servants obeying their masters.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: The conservative presidential candidate just chose his vice president!

Lady #2: What’s he like?

Lady #1: Well, he’s from Congress. So it really goes without saying that he’s a soulless corporate sell out.

Lady #2: I’m going to go tell everyone to call him “The people’s hero.” If anyone criticizes anything he’s legitimately done wrong yell at them and call them irrationally biased.

Lady #1: What if they back up their claims with evidence?

Lady #2: Just keep yelling at them until they realize it’s pointless to argue with you.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: Sometimes I write I like to tell liberals what I learned from watching Fox News by posting comments on chat forums, but my comments always get torn apart by thousands of libtards.

Lady #2: I’ll tell you why that happens. Everyone on the internet is under 25 years old. Yep. When people get older and wiser they naturally evolve into conservatives. It’s the circle of life.

Lady #1: If only truth were determined by the number of times you say something and how loud you say it.

Lady #2: You know, a lot of young people these days are saying it isn’t…apparently there’s

Lady #1: Apparently there’s little hope for the future.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: I’m a fiscal conservative, which means I’m against big government and all the wasteful spending that comes along with it.

Lady #2: So you want to downsize the military, the T.S.A., C.I.A., N.S.A., F.B.I., Homeland Security and all the other government agencies that intrude into our lives? What about eliminating subsidies for failing businesses, tax breaks and tax loop holes for the wealthy that all have to paid for by someone?

Lady #1: Damnit. Those are all things I love. I guess I shouldn’t call myself a fiscal conservative.

Lady #2: …but that’s not going to stop you, is it dear?

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1: I reserve the right to real all your E-mails, listen to all your telephone calls and track all your internet data.

Lady #2: Why is that, dear?

Lady #1: If you don’t have anything to hide there isn’t anything to worry about. So there’s no reason to even ask…unless you’re hiding something.

Lady #2: I’ll agree on one condition. Let me see your tax returns for the past ten years.

Lady #1: Bitch, I don’t owe you shit, and fuck you for asking.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: All my friends and I ate at Chick-Fil-A to show our solidarity with the company, and we helped them break their sales record!

Lady #2: What do you and Chick-Fil-A have in common?

Lady #1: We’re against equal rights!

Lady #2: What!!!

Lady #1: Naw, it’s cool. We’re against equal rights for homosexuals.

Lady #2: Oh, well that’s okay then.

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: Do you believe in the Book of Mormon?

Lady #2:  Obviously, no.

Lady #1: Really? Why not?

Lady #2: It was written by a known con artist and contains factually inaccurate statements. It’s blatantly mythology. It’s not real.

Lady #1: Hmmm. What do you call it when you believe in something that isn’t real? Well?

Lady #1: …

Lady #2: Well?

Lady #1: I believe it’s called being entitled to your own opinion.

 

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

COMIC #1

Woman #1: Everyone who disagrees with me is biased.

Woman #2: What you just said is the god damned definition of bias.

Woman#1: I’m sorry. I can’t hear you, because I don’t listen to people who are biased.

 

COMIC #2

Woman #1: Did you hear Obama wants to take our guns away?

Woman #2: Really? I remember when we were bitching about that like three years ago, but I thought that myth had been thoroughly debunked years ago.

Woman#1: Since when has the truth stopped us from freaking out and bitching about anything?

Woman #2: Good point. Fuck Obama for trying to take our guns away.

 

COMIC #3

Woman #1: Obamacare was objectively a failure of the American political process.

Woman #2: …and?

Woman#1: … and it passed because we shut down any objective conversation about it by shouting nonsensical bullshit about Obama being a socialist. It makes me wonder how many other bad things have happened on our watch because we just shouted until the clock ran out.

Woman #2: That sounds like socialist talk to me.

 

COMIC #4

Woman #1: Obama was such a lame president. He didn’t accomplish shit.

Woman #2: To be fair though, Republicans in Congress vowed to never let him accomplish anything, and they held America hostage sticking to that promise.

Woman#1: But they wouldn’t have had to if Obama would have just done everything they wanted.

Woman #2: That’s so true. I guess Obama really has nobody to blame but himself.

 

COMIC #5

Woman #1: I’ve got a great idea! Let’s make it illegal for prisoners to have pornography!

Woman #2: Prisoners already aren’t allowed to have pornography.

Woman#1: Well, shit. I’m out of ideas on how to turn the victims of the war on drugs into deranged animals.

Woman #2: Let’s put 100 prisoners to each cell!

 

COMIC #6

Woman #1: We’ve bullied the Mexicans for so long and so hard that they won’t work in our fruit fields anymore!

Woman #2: We should hire American Republicans. They’re the hardest working people in the world.

Woman#1: …but they’re entitled to minimum wage and benefits.

Woman #2: I never thought I’d live to see the day when Republicans were as self-entitled as libtards.

Woman #1: These are sad times indeed.

 

COMIC #7

Woman #1: I’ve got a joke. What’s the primary cause of poverty in the world?

Woman #2: I don’t know. *snicker* *snicker*

Woman#1: The rich getting richer!

Woman #2: Hahahahaah! It’s funny because it’s true!

Woman #1: And we know it!

 

COMIC #8

Woman #1: I can’t believe how badly Obama screwed up on saying whether or not terrorists were responsible for burning down that embassy in Libya.

Woman #2: Did Obama ever even personally go to Libya or gather intelligence?

Woman#1: That’s not his job, dear.

Woman #2: So why are we bitching about semantics and things Obama really had nothing to do with?

Woman #1: Because fuck it. That’s why.

 

COMIC #9

Woman #1: Did you know 47% of Americans are lazy, worthless bums?

Woman #2: That’s the most retarded, baseless thing I’ve ever heard.

Woman#1: But a Republican presidential candidate said it, and he was talking about libtards.

Woman #2: Oh, well then it must be true.

 

COMIC #10

Woman #1: Would you like to hear my one-point plan for balancing America’s budget?

Woman #2: What is it, dear?

Woman#1: Remove any pretense that corporations control America.

Woman #2: How’s that going to balance the budget?

Woman #1: It won’t, but we won’t have to keep pretending like we give a shit about balancing the budget.

Woman #2: Genius.

 

COMIC #11

Woman #1: Did you see the last presidential debate?

Woman #2: No, dear. Did I miss anything interesting?

Woman#1: All they talked about was the need for campaign finance reform.

Woman #2: WHAT!?!?

Woman #1: Just kidding. They never mentioned a word about it.

Woman #2: Lordy, Lordy. You gave me a fright there for a moment.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: You remember when there was a Republican president in office, and we kept screaming about how anyone who questions the president is an evil traitor?

Lady #2: …like it was yesterday.

Lady #1: Then do you remember how after a Democrat president got elected we spent the next 8 years screaming about how the president is the devil and we should revolt against the government?

Lady #2: Of course. That’s practically all we talk about these days.

Lady #1: Do you think when there’s another Republican president we’ll go back to screaming about how it’s immoral to question him?

Lady #2: That’s a silly question. Why would we do anything differently?

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I love corporations and hate politicians more than anything else in the world.

Lady #2: Don’t corporations control all the politicians through campaign financing and lobbyists?

Lady #1: Of course, that’s their God given right.

Lady #2: So you hate the puppet and love the master?

Lady #1: Lordy. Lordy. Don’t nobody better say nothing bad about thu mastah!

Lady #2: Good girl. You get a treat.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: Remind me again why we’re so passionate about gun rights.

Lady #2: It’s out God given right to kill people.

Lady #1: Just to be clear though, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Right.

Lady #2: Yes…with guns.

Lady #1: Right. Why do we want to use guns to kill people again?

Lady #2: To stop them from taking away our right to kill people with guns.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: What’s more important than ending poverty?

Lady #2: I know the answer. It’s upholding the right to own automatic weapons that were invented by militaries to kill as many people as quickly as possible.

Lady #1: And why is that more important than ending poverty?

Lady #2: Because whatever the person with the gun says is most important…is most important.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: Saying that we don’t need guns to protect ourselves because we have the police is like saying we don’t need fire extinguishers because we have the fire department.

Lady #2: Right. Everyone should own a gun to protect them from… Wait. What are we protecting ourselves from again?

Lady #1: …from all those psychos buying assault rifles at pawn shops, obviously.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: “I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.”

Lady #2: How lovely. Did you come up with that yourself?

Lady #1: No. My hero, Margaret Thatcher, said that.

Lady #2: So…she’s saying we should stop calling people we disagree with, “libtards?”

Lady #1: Hmmmmm…..no.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: I love Biblical laws so much that I want them to be federal laws, and I’m going to hate on anyone who disagrees.

Lady #2: HOLY SHIT!!!

Lady #1: What????

Lady #2: What about all the Biblical laws that would inconvenience us? Are you going to rage about how they should be forced onto the entire population and spit at people who disagree with them?

Lady #1: I was just going to quietly ignore those.

Lady #2: Ah, lovely.

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1: What’s a bigger problem than poverty?

Lady #2: Easy. Illegal immigration. We’ve got to stop all these poor Mexicans from risking a dangerous journey across the border to work at inhumane jobs for less than a living wage.

Lady #1: I’m confused. Do we want to stop them because we’re trying to help them or…

Lady #2: Wait. No, that’s not what I meant.

Lady #1: Too late. You said you wanted to help people.

Lady #2: Did not!

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: Libtards want this country to be just like Denmark, Sweden or Switzerland. Well I say if you don’t like this country exactly how it is you should just leave.

Lady #2: Okay, well let’s pass laws that make it almost effortless for anyone to emigrate out of the country.

Lady #1: But then what would stop the educated elite or the working wage slave from moving to a country with an objectively higher quality of living?

Lady #2: Nothing.

Lady #1: Yeaaaah. Never mind.

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: I’ve been thinking about a new slogan that sums up our political views.

Lady #2: What have you come up with?

Lady #1: “Keep the government out of our boardrooms and inside your bedrooms.”

Lady #2: Maybe you could just leave out that last part that admits we want to take away people’s freedom to be different than us.

Lady #1: Seriously!f? How much longer do we have to keep pretending?

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points. 

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: As a Conservative Christian woman I’m outraged that America is giving billions of dollars of aid to Israel to help them exterminate the Palestinians.

Lady #2: Don’t you mean you’re outraged that America is giving food stamps to workers who aren’t paid enough to survive?

Lady #1: Oh yeah. That’s what I meant.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I absolutely love the idea of forcing people to pay for health insurance the same way we force people to buy car insurance. Mitt Romney was a genius for thinking of that. God, I wish he could have been president.

Lady #2: That’s exactly the same as Obama’s Affordable Care Act.

Lady #1: Obama is a liberal Democrat, right?

Lady #2: That’s what he calls himself.

Lady #1: AAAGH! I hate forcing people to buy health insurance more than anything else in the world! …but I’m not going to complain about the care insurance thing.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: I hate the government and our political leaders so much I constantly advocate violently overthrowing them.

Lady #2: But do you support the troops who defend our government and political leaders you hate so much?

Lady #1: I’ll kick anyone in the balls who doesn’t support the troops. All praise be to them.

Lady #2: Okay, I’m not saying don’t support the troops, but yo do realize what a woefully confused hypocrite you are, right?

Lady #1: No. And I never will.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: I ride into the church parking lot every Sunday on a donkey just like Jesus would if he were alive today.

Lady #2: I didn’t know BMW made a car called “donkey.”

Lady #1: That’s what I call my 5-series model to make my husband feel guilty for not buying me a 7-series.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: I don’t support food stamps, accessible health care or raising the minimum wage.

Lady #2: So… how do you expect our workers to survive?

Lady #1: Hey, I didn’t make my fortune by giving a shit about the people who earned it for me.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: As a Christian I’m cringing at the upcoming war on Christmas we have every year nowadays.

Lady #2: I know I can’t believe how anyone couldn’t appreciate how the Catholic church lied about December 25th being Jesus’s birthday in a thinly veiled attempt at co-opting a Pagan holiday… or how Christmas is now one giant celebration of wasteful, selfish consumerism in direct contradiction of everything Jesus stood for.

Lady #1: God damnit. You’re not supposed to think about it that deeply.

Lady #2: Honey, that’s just scratching the surface. Don’t even get me started on Santa.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: We need to do something drastic about the single greatest cause of suffering and misery in this country!

Lady #2: You’re referring to unchecked economic inequality, right?

Lady #1: What? No. I’m talking about the gays.

Lady #2: Oh, yeah. I forgot about how they were making all those children go hungry.

Comic # 8

Lady #1: Since it’s Veteran’s Day I just have to ask, do you support the troops?

Lady #2: Fuck yeah!

Lady #1: Do you support the gays?

Lady #2: Fuck no!

Lady #1: So… what about the gay troops?

Lady #2: God damnit. Let me keep pretending they don’t exist and haven’t made countless sacrifices in my name while I deny them their freedom and dignity.

Lady #1 Okay.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: On this Veteran’s Day I’d just like to thank all the troops who protect our freedom.

Lady #2: And I’d like to thank all the police officers who beat the shit out of the Occupy Wallstreet protestors, locked people up with rapists and murders for smoking weed, fined them for not buying auto insurance, took away their property for not paying taxes, arrested them for drinking or peeing in public, frisked them at the airport and shot and killed unarmed civilians after breaking into the wrong house.

Lady #1: Are you being sarcastic?

Lady #2: …

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: I just can’t stand how blatantly biased Fox News is and how it panders to the Conservative base promoting the Republican agenda.

Lady #2: Don’t you mean you hate how “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” often expresses a viewpoint you disagree with yet you overlook every instance where they criticize Democratic politicians?

Lady #1: Er, yeah. That’s what I meant.

Lady #2: That’s what I thought you meant.

Comic # 11

Lady #1: I can’t decide what I hate most about president Barack Hussein Obama…

Lady #2: Oh?

Lady #1: …whether he’s a commie socialist who wants to redistribute the wealth from the ultra-wealthy to the poorest of the poor or he wants to take away all of our guns.

Lady #2: Since he took office haven’t the rich gotten richer and the poor gotten poorer and nobody lost their guns?

Lady #1: Well, yeah. There’s that, but you still have to admit that he’s a poor-loving, gun-hating butt hole.

Lady #2: Uhhhh. I guess.

 

Comic # 12

Lady #1: I fucking hate how illegal Mexican immigrants can come to America and sit on their asses collecting welfare and enjoying free health care and being supported by hard working Americans’ tax dollars.

Lady #2: You mean the same illegal Mexican immigrants who work for 13 hours per day in scalding hot fruit farms for less than half of minimum wage and live in overheated conex trailers and can’t see a doctor for fear of being deported while paying sales tax on everything they buy?

Lady #1: Yeah, I’m talking about those entitled mooching ass holes.

Lady #2: Wow. If that’s your definition of an entitled moocher then what constitutes a justified hard worker?

Lady #1: Trophy wives like me.

 

Comic # 13

Lady #1: There are some people who don’t want science classes in public schools to teach that the first humans on earth appeared instantaneously in a magic garden in the Middle East guarded by a flying, flaming sword where they were tricked by a talking snake into eating a magic apple causing every subsequent human to have to slaughter animals to buy God’s forgiveness until God magically impregnated himself into a woman in order to come to earth to kill himself in order to forgive his children who he loves unconditionally. I mean, how arrogant and unscientific is it not to believe that?

Lady #2: Yeah, it’s just unbelievable that anyone wouldn’t accept all that as flat fact or want every child to e told that’s a realistic explanation of life.

Lady #1: I know, right? And since when did science have to be backed up by objective, peer-reviewed evidence?

Lady #2: It’s all part of Satan’s plan to keep us from giving all of our money to the church.

 

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: Oh my God. I hate what sheeple all liberals are. They just believe everything they’re told by the liberal media and hate on anyone who disagrees with them.

Lady #2: Oh yeah. No fan on conservative media would ever do that… ever.

Lady #1: Exactly. That just goes to prove why we’re better than everyone else and don’t have to listen to anyone.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I hate how liberals are trying to make government bigger and interfere with our lives.

Lady #2: Oh, Lordy! Does that mean it’s morally wrong for us to use government to push our psuedo Christian beliefs on everyone else like we’ve been doing all these years?

Lady #1: No, dear. Because we’re the only people who’s beliefs matter in the entire world.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: I take it as a badge of honor that so many people on the internet disagree with me.

Lady #2: Have you ever considered that the reason so many people disagree with you is because you might in some way be wrong?

Lady #1: Not only no, but hell no.

Lady #2 Well, I suppose not listening to other people is a hallmark of intelligence.

Lady #1 Damn skippy.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: I believe in smaller government.

Lady #2: So you don’t believe the government should be allowed to say who can marry?

Lady #1: Obviously the government should have total control over that. I also believe in personal responsibility.

Lady #2 So you don’t believe in tax breaks for the rich or subsidies for big companies?

Lady #1 Hells yeah I believe in those things. I also believe in a strong military and police force… as long as they don’t try to take my guns.

Lady #2 So… you believe democracy means getting whatever you want and denying everyone else what they want.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: Unregulated capitalism is the only way the masses will ever have a chance at prosperity and happiness.

Lady #2: Yeah, but economic inequality is at an all time high in American society, and the resulting poverty is the greatest source of misery and hopelessness in the lives of the poor.

Lady #1: Bitch, don’t make me shout my premise louder until I drown out everything you have to say.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: If there’s one thing America stands for it’s freedom, and we shall fight against tyranny across the globe with our glorious military strength!

Lady #2: Did you know that with the help of the British, America stole the island of Diego Garcia from its inhabitants to build a U.S. military base on?

Lady #1: AAAAAAAAAAGGHH! Why don’t you support the troops, you Taliban-loving fuck wit!?

Lady #2 Jesus Christ, woman! I’m just pointing out…

Lady #1 What a freedom hating whore you are?

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: There’s only one thing I hate worse than libtards, fags, niggers, atheists, Jews, Muslims, immigrants or protesters who aren’t members of the Tea Party?

Lady #2: What’s that, dear?

Lady #1: People who aren’t tolerant of my views.

Lady #2 How do you endure the pain of your oppression?

Lady #1 Shopping helps.

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1:  God, I hope New Gingrich runs for president again. He was such an inspiration.

Lady #2: That guy!? He was literally found guilty of corruption. He cheated on his third wife, who had cancer. And he ran for president on the platform that he was going to build a moon base. By what criteria was he a good person much less an inspiration?

Lady #1: By the only criteria that matters… He called himself a Republican and not a Democrat.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: You pretend to be President Obama, and I’ll pretend to be Congress.

Lady #2: Okay.

Lady #1: Do everything I say without exception or I swear to God I’ll shut down the fucking government! I don’t care how many people it hurts.

Lady #2 Uhhh. No.

Lady #1 AAAAAAAAAGH! You’re completely unwilling to compromise. It’s 100% your fault I shut down the government.

Lady #2 You keep using the word “compromise,” but I don’t think you know what it means.

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: If we raise minimum wage then business owners like me will just raise prices, and nothing will change.

Lady #2: But letting rich people keep more money won’t raise inflation?

Lady #1: No, because when we have more money than we need we just horde it. Then it doesn’t go into circulation.

Lady #2 But doesn’t it stimulate the economy when more money is in circulation?

Lady #1 The only point of stimulating the economy is for me to make more money, and I keep it all as it is. That can’t happen if poor people can achieve financial independence and thus not be desperate enough to work themselves to death for pennies.

Lady #2 I’m sorry, dear. Explain to me again how you’re not just completely evil.

 

Comic # 11

Lady #1: America’s heroic military is committed to defending freedom and destroying tyranny wherever it rears its ugly head!

Lady #2: Oh, goody. So when do you think America will stop funding Israel’s extermination of the Palestinians and strong arming the rest of the world from stepping in and stopping the genocide?

Lady #1: …

Lady #2 Well?

Lady #1 I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention to what you were saying. I was thinking about this hilarious thing that happened on Duck Dynasty last night. Let’s talk about that.

Lady #2 *Sigh*

 

Comic # 12

Lady #1: You seem down. What’s the matter, dear?

Lady #2: Oh, I’ve just been feeling a bit guilty lately for hating immigrants so much.

Lady #1: Hey, no. Why would you ever feel bad about that?

Lady #2 Oh, I just feel a bit hypocritical since our ancestors were immigrants who came to this country and stole all the land and resources from the natives.

Lady #1 That’s completely different. Our ancestors conquered the natives in bloody warfare. See? They didn’t steal anything. They won it.

Lady #2 That’s why I love you, dear. You find the most creative ways to justify anything.

 

Comic # 13

Lady #1: I hate how Obama is using the N.S.A. to spy on us. Why can’t we go back to the way things were… when George Bush was using the N.S.A. to spy on us.

Lady #2: Ahhhh. Those were the days.

 

Comic # 14

Lady #1: What’s wrong, dear. You seem upset again.

Lady #2: It’s just that I heard that this guy, Edward Snowden, leaked a bunch of classified information about how the N.S.A. is spying on everyone. I mean, we’re talking dystopian level invasion of privacy here.

Lady #1: Uhhh. So what?

Lady #2 Well, I know Fox News told me to label him a hacker and a traitor instead of a whistle blower, but…. I don’t want to be spied on. And how can I love and respect my country when it doesn’t even respect my privacy?

Lady #1 Honey, you’re focusing on all the wrong things. All you need to take a way from all this is… Fuck Obama.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: I watched an interview between Bill O’reilly and an atheist, and it got me thinking.

Lady #2: What did Bill say this time?

Lady #1: Well, the atheist pointed out how the first amendment says that congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, but the American government clearly favors Christianity. So…

Lady #2: Aaaaagh! Christianity is a philosopy, not a religion. So the government is free to favor it.

Lady #1: Oh, so should churches not be tax-exempt, or should every philosophical organization be tax exempt?

Lady #2: Hold on. I’ll need a few minutes to think of a bullshit excuse to weasel my way around my blatant hypocrisy.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I’m about to say something you might disagree with.

Lady #2: I’ve just labeled you a liberal. So anything you say is invalid.

Lady #1: That’s all it takes?

Lady #2: That’s all it takes.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: I heard these two homeless people complaining about how worried they were that the government may raise the minimum wage and lower taxes on the rich.

Lady #2: Really?

Lady #1: No. Not really. They were complaining about being homeless.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: I think Jesus would have wanted us to celebrate his birthday by buying our children piles of useless crap made in sweatshops and then lie to our children by saying that their gifts were delivered by a character from Pagan mythology.

Lady #2: Is that what Jesus said to do in the Bible?

Lady #1: Eh, who the hell has time to read that big book?

Lady #2: You know they made a version with pictures, right?

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: You seem upset, dear. What’s the matter?

Lady #2: Oh, I was just thinking about how both Jesus and Yahweh resolutely approved of slavery.

Lady #1: Eh, that’s no big deal.

Lady #2: Isn’t it? I mean, what more proof do you need that the Bible is a work of primitive mythology that merely reflects the values of the culture that produced it and wasn’t in fact written by the creator of the universe?

Lady #1: From now on I’m going to make you put a quarter in a jar every time you think.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: Remind me again why we censor the reality of sex from children?

Lady #2: Because they can’t handle it. It would make their minds explode!

Lady #1: Is there any psychological research to back that up?

Lady #2: None.

Lady #1: We don’t really have any idea how to raise children, do we?

Lady #2: None.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: I just learned that it’s a recipe for economic inequality when corporations charge as much as possible for their products and pay their workers as little as possible.

Lady #2: Ugh, you sound like a college freshman.

Lady #1: Golly, it’s pretty sad that college freshmen are smarter than us.

Lady #2: Yeah, that’s not where I was going with that.

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1: It’s our duty to question the government and stand up against it when it becomes too big. Wait… do we have a president who calls himself a Democrat?

Lady #2: Yes, dear. For three more years.

Lady #1: Then I stand by my statement for three more years.

Lady #2: Your commitment to your principles is an inspiration to us all.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: I just hate how our government keeps redistributing wealth.

Lady #2: Really? You’re upset about how the rich keep getting bailouts, tax breaks and tax shelters while the poor keep losing social services? I thought you would have been happy to have the nation’s wealth redistributed upwards.

Lady #1: Hmmm. Would it be okay if I keep bitching about something happening when the opposite is actually happening?

Lady #2: Absolutely! I mean, it’ll only confuse people as to what’s actually happening.

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: I’ve figured out how to reduce local city governments’ debts!

Lady #2: How’s that, dear?

Lady #1: By slashing public pensions!

Lady #2: What will the government spend the money they save on? Food tampss for the pensionless, starving elderly?

Lady #1: As Christ as my witness, one way or the other, that money will go to job creators!

Lady #2: Oh, so we’ll use that money to create jobs then, will we?

Lady #1: No. We’ll use it to line our already oversized golden parachutes.

 

Comic # 11

Lady #1: After a lifetime of watching our government screw up I’ve concluded that our two-party political system doesn’t work and is anathema to democracy.

Lady #2: What would you propose replacing it with?

Lady #1: A Republican hegemony.

 

Comic # 12

Lady #1: Minimum wage jobs were never meant to support adults financially. They’re really just for exploiting children.

Lady #2: What about the millions of cases where adults have no choice but to work dead end minimum wage jobs?

Lady #1: We ignore them.

Lady #2: That’s it? We just tell them, “Sorry you’re stuck at the bottom of an oppressive economic system. Sucks to be you?”

Lady #1: I don’t understand why you’re getting so worked up. They’re just poor people. It’s not like they’re human beings.

 

Comic # 13

Lady #1: Criminals don’t follow rules. So there’s no point making any gun control laws at all.

Lady #2: Don’t criminologists say that opportunity creates the criminal? And aren’t millions of gun deaths caused by otherwise good people who have been driven to unforeseeable desperation and just happen to have easy access to weapons of mass destruction?

Lady #1: Nothing you said is true. I should know, because I’m a gun expert.

Lady #2: Where did you learn so much about guns?

Lady #1: The N.R.A.

 

Comic # 14

Lady #1: I just hate that plaque on the Statue of Liberty that says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore…”

Lady #2: What exactly do you hate about those words?

Lady #1: Have you seen our immigration requirements lately? The Statue of Liberty should read, “Give me your healthy, your educated and your rich. The rest of you can work in our outsourced sweatshops.” As it stands, the Statue of Liberty is one big, propagandist, hypocritical lie. If we’re going to be evil let’s be upfront about it.

Lady #2: My goodness. You actually have a good point there.

 

Comic # 15

Lady #1: I can’t believe the Pope is advocating fair wages. He must be the devil, because only devils hate capitalism.

Lady #2: I mean, didn’t Jesus himself go into the church and kick over all the beggar’s tables and redistributed their wealth to the tax collectors? He sure as hell advocated slavery. So according to God Himself, sweatshop workers have no room to complain.

Lady #1: The only thing you said that’s true is the bit about Jesus approving of slavery.

Lady #2: That’s enough to prove my point. The Pope is officially a piece of shit.

Lady #1: I’m going to have to start writing down a list of everyone we’re supposed to hate.

 

Comic # 16

Lady #1: America revolted against Britain because of taxation without representation. They just took our money, and we had no idea or say about what it was spent on.

Lady #2: …sort of like how America spends trillions of dollars on its top secret network that nobody knows anything about or can challenge?

Lady #1: Is a Democrat currently president?

Lady #2: Yes, dear.

Lady #1: Then, yes. Exactly like that.

 

Comic # 17

Lady #1: Black people tend to vote Democrat. So how can we make it harder for black people to vote?

Lady #2: What you’re suggesting is voter fraud!

Lady #1: That’s perfect! We’ll make them jump through unreasonable hoops under the guise of preventing voter fraud!

Lady #2: Firstly, don’t you feel any shame for being so Orwellianly hypocritical? And secondly, won’t it be blatantly obvious what we’re doing?

Lady #1: Firstly, I live for this shit. Secondly, we’re completely unaccountable. So it doesn’t matter how blatantly despicable we act.

 

Comic # 18

Lady #1: You seem melancholy, dear. What’s the matter?

Lady #2: Well, I went looking for Jesus like you said to, and I finally found him.

Lady #1: And that’s making you feel down?

Lady #2: It’s just that ever since I found him he won’t stop guilt tripping me into giving him more money.

Lady #1: Yeah, he does that.

 

Comic # 19

Lady #1: What should our number one priority be while there’s a Democrat in the White House?

Lady #2: To make sure he’s completely unable to help anyone in need.

Lady #1: Right. Now remind me again how that doesn’t make us bad guys.

Lady #2: Oh, it does, but we don’t have to worry about that.

Lady #1: And why is that, dear?

Lady #2: Because we have no conscience.

 

Comic # 20

Lady #1: You seem upset again. What’s got your panties in a bunch this time?

Lady #2: The other day I noticed that the long hours and high stress I submit my employees to is burning them out and breaking their bodies.

Lady #1: So what? They’re disposable. Just throw them out int the streets and get new ones to burn through.

Lady #2: That’s what I’ve been doing, but now I have to pay disability and welfare for the people I’ve broken to the point of being unable to work.

Lady #1: Well, let’s just cut as many social programs as possible. Problem solved.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old-fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

 

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Comic # 1

Lady #1: Raising the minimum wage will only cause job creators to create less jobs.

Lady #2: Why is that, dear?

Lady #1: Because we’re greedy fucks who only care about ourselves and would gladly kill a baby if we got an extra lobster dinner out of it.

Lady #2: I don’t suppose there’s any point trying to argue the value of human life with you, is there?

Lady #1: Not one God damned bit, no.

 

Comic # 2

Lady #1: I’ve got this book that conclusively proves how wrong libtards’ ideas are.

Lady #2: Oh yeah. I read that book. All it did was state your pre-conceived notions as fact.

Lady #1: Exactly. That’s how objective thought works, right?

Lady #2: No, not at all.

Lady #1: Booyaz! I win!

Lady #2: I honestly don’t know what the hell is going on inside your head.

 

Comic # 3

Lady #1: Raising the minimum wage will cause job creators to fire workers and create less jobs.

Lady #2: So… by not paying our workers enough to live on we’re actually doing them a favor?

Lady #1: Exactly! We’re causing them inhumane and unnecessary levels of fear, degradation and suffering out of the goodness of our hearts.

Lady #2: Oh, goody! Now I don’t feel unbearable guilt for destroying any chance of them living meaningful lives.

Lady #1: And I don’t feel any guilt for selling them the euphoric substances that help them cope with their oppression.

 

Comic # 4

Lady #1: AAAAGH! I hate how the liberal media is demonizing rich people for underpaying their workers and overcharging their customers! It’s so unfair. It’s like they’re holding us accountable for the unconscionable economic inequality that we’ve blatantly caused by exploiting the poor.

Lady #2: Just ignore them and hope there isn’t a God who will hold you accountable for the untold misery you’ve inflicted on humanity.

Lady #1: I am God.

 

Comic # 5

Lady #1: I’m so proud of my bumper sticker I put on my SUV. It says, “Don’t listen to the liberal media.”

Lady #2: Golly, what would you think if you saw a bumper sticker that said, “Don’t listen to the conservative media?”

Lady #1: I’d say the owner of that sticker is a socialist fascist who wants to censor my freedom of speech. Then I’d leave a passive aggressive note on their windshield telling them what a freedom hating piece of shit they are.

Lady #2: So how is what you did any different?

Lady #1: The difference is that since I’m good, anything I do is good. And since liberals are evil, everything they do is evil.

Lady #2: Yes, that kind of thinking is the cornerstone of every Utopian society.

 

Comic # 6

Lady #1: What’s the purpose of government?

Lady #2: To provide for the needs of the people and help them succeed and make the most out of their lives, of course.

Lady #1: Which people?

Lady #2: The rich, of course.

Lady #1: Of course.

 

Comic # 7

Lady #1: Nothing makes me madder than government spending. We need to cut it at every corner possible!

Lady #2: So should we eliminate all the government jobs in your home state?

Lady #1: Heavens no! Our economy depends on those jobs.

Lady #2: So how do we cut costs then?

Lady #1: By eliminating pensions for all those government employees.

 

Comic # 8

Lady #1: Companies like McDonalds and WalMart pay their full time employees so little that they have to rely on food stamps to survive. What do you think we should do about that?

Lady #2: Eliminate food stamps.

Lady #1: I suppose that’s what it’s going to take to motivate those lazy bums to work more than one or two full time jobs.

 

Comic # 9

Lady #1: Corporations are people, right?

Lady #2: Right!

Lady #1: And giving handouts to people is bad, right?

Lady #2: Right!

Lady #1: So isn’t giving subsidies to corporations equivalent to giving food stamps to people who work full time but don’t make enough money to survive?

Lady #2: Must I remind you again that some people are more equal than others?

 

Comic # 10

Lady #1: What would you say if I told you that I don’t believe it should be legal for black and white people to marry?

Lady #2: I would say that you’re a racist bigot with archaic ideas about marriage that are based solely on your personal biases as opposed to objective reasoning. Furthermore, I would make a categorical imperative out of others condemning your disdainable outlook.

Lady #1: What would you say if I told you that I don’t believe it should be legal for homosexuals to marry?

Lady #2: I would say that you’re standing up for your principles. You’re an inspiration to us all, and anyone who disagrees with you is a fascist who is trying to censor you, and they should be kicked out of America for being the freedom-hating butt hole that they are.

Lady #1: Funny how that works.

 

Comic # 11

Lady #1: I heard this guy, Glenn Greenwald, saying that both the Republican and Democrat parties are both controlled by the same financial contributors, which means that ultimately there’s really only one political party controlling the United States: the ultra wealthy.

Lady #2: AAAGH! Stuid libtards! Socialists! Fascists! Abortion! Homosexuals! Jesus!

Lady #1: So… that’s all you got?

Lady #2: That’s all I got.

 

Comic # 12

Lady #1: Socrates once said that to be a philosopher you need lots of leisure time.

Lady #2: Philosophy is like thinking, right?

Lady #1: Yes, dear.

Lady #2: Holy shit! We better never give our impoverished workers a moment’s rest!

Lady #1: That’s why I brought it up.

 

Comic # 13

Lady #1: I’m so glad I live in the land of the free. I’d never want to live in any of those oppressive countries where you can’t do what you want.

Lady #2: Speaking of freedom, remind me again why gays can’t marry in America.

Lady #1: Because I don’t want them to.

Lady #2: So that’s how freedom works? People are free to do whatever they want except for what you don’t want them to.

Lady #1: Yep.

Lady #2: That sounds more like the definition of…

Lady #1: Nope. It’s freedom.

 

Comic # 14

Lady #1: I’m building a new Statue of Liberty in Arizona that has a different plaque at the bottom.

Lady #2: What does the new plaque say?

Lady #1: I’ve replaced the inscription that says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door…” with one that says, “You God damned, dirty immigrants aren’t welcome here, and if you’re not white you better carry your citizenship papers with you everywhere you go and be prepared to be harassed by the police at every corner.”

Lady #2: Well, it makes you sound a bit like a racist, xenophobic douche who has never read a history book, but I suppose it works.